“We are committed to the proposition that principles of morality and considerations for our own security will never permit us to acquiesce in a peace dictated by aggressors and sponsored by appeasers. We know that enduring peace cannot be bought at the cost of other people's freedom.”
(We start in April 1945. We start with Maxwell Donahue sitting in bed at a military encampment in Okinawa. He sits up in bed and sees a soldier laying on the bed across from him)
(The other guy sits up)
MAXWELL: What’s your name?
MAXWELL: Ah. Will, did you hear they liberated a death camp up in Germany?
WILL: Yeah, it was called the Ohrdruf concentration camp.
MAXWELL: It was called Ohrdruf? Wow, it sounds more like a German Country Club than a death camp.
WILL: That’s really offensive.
MAXWELL: It almost sounds like “orderve” death camp.
WILL: Not really.
MAXWELL: What’s with you, bud?
WILL: I don’t know, I just miss home.
MAXWELL: Yeah, I know how you feel. My parents send me a lot of letters, they miss me a lot.
WILL: Yeah. I’m from the Boston area, very tightly knit, you know?
MAXWELL: They sure love accusing people of witchcraft.
WILL: HEY GO SOX! FUCK YOU!
WILL: Sorry, that’s my Boston coming out. Plus, the witchcraft trials were so long ago.
MAXWELL: Can I make fun of you for the black sox scandal back in 1919? That was twenty-six years ago.
WILL: Sorry bub, that was the Chicago White Sox.
MAXWELL: Damnit. What’s your full name by the way?
WILL: William Altmire.
MAXWELL: Nice. Good name.
WILL: Yeah, I was named after my grandfather.
MAXWELL: Ah. I was named after a fugitive Negro I knew.
WILL: Wha-how old are you?
MAXWELL: (Laughs) No, not like a fugitive slave, a Negro who was a fugitive for another reason, my parents sheltered him for a while. But still, he was basically a fugitive for being colored.
WILL: Yeah, that’s probably true.
(A southern soldier comes in)
SOUTHERN SOLDIER: That’s a bunch of bullshit! That nigger pro’lly got what was comin’ for ‘im!
MAXWELL: He didn’t get anything Casey, we held him as a fugitive for a couple of years before we sent him off with a new name and new look.
CASEY: My daddy was a Klansmen and he can’t believe the calls by them niggers to integrate the military, what a crock of shit!
WILL: You know it’s going to happen eventually, why fight it? It’s like eighty years ago when slavery was abolished, that was inevitable.
CASEY: My grand pappy owned two-hundred men and they owned two-hundred more, we had slaves for slaves, motherfucker!
MAXWELL: Isn’t motherfucker a Negro term?
CASEY: Wha-what? FUCK!
(Case runs away as Maxwell and Will laugh)
MAXWELL: Ah, he’s an idiot.
WILL: Yeah, fucking rube.
MAXWELL: So Will, do you have a family?
WILL: Yes, I have a wife at home named Chelsea and I have a five-year old boy named Joseph.
MAXWELL: Wow, how old are you?
WILL: I’m twenty-three.
MAXWELL: So, did you knock her up?
WILL: Well, it was my first time, I was nervous and I didn’t use a condom, which was fucking stupid, but yeah, she got knocked up and the father pointed a knife to my Achilles and I married her.
MAXWELL: You got married at knife point?
WILL: Yeah, he was a learned man, so he didn’t own a shotgun. I’m surprised I wasn’t married at book light-point.
MAXWELL: (Chuckles) Yeah. I have a 50-year old dad, a 48-year old mother and a ten-year old brother at home.
WILL: I see. Any special lady back home?
MAXWELL: I don’t know, I’ve never had much luck with women. I kind of liked a woman that I saw in a Broadway Musical a few years back, Ethel Merman, but it turns out it was just because I like musicals.
WILL: Oh, I love musicals!
MAXWELL: Me too.
(They stare at each other in admiration for a little while, when a General comes in, they stand tall)
GENERAL: ARE YOU TWO HAVING A FUCKING STARING CONTEST OR SOME SHIT?!
MAXWELL AND WILL: SIR, NO, SIR!
GENERAL: GOOD! BECAUSE I WOULD BEAT HITLER AT A STARING CONTEST IF HE DIDN’T TAKE SO MANY AMPHETAMINES! I’D KICK BOTH YOUR FUCKING ASSES! NOW BOYS, WE HAVE SLANTY-EYED JAPS OUT THERE JUST WAITING TO KILL US! DO YOU THINK WE LANDED AT OKINAWA TO JERK OFF OUR FUCKING DICKS AND FIGHT THE ENEMY THAT WAY?!
MAXWELL AND WILL: SIR, NO, SIR!
GENERAL: CARE TO EXPAND ON THAT, PRIVATE DONAHUE?
PRIVATE DONAHUE: I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR?
GENERAL: WHY SHOULDN’T WE JERK OFF OUR FUCKING DICKS TO FIGHT THE ENEMY?!
MAXWELL: Um, well, Private Yeager, I don’t think, masturbation is an effective or at all commonly accepted tactic in battle.
WILL: I don’t remember reading about it in Sun Su’s Art of War. I mean, it could render us blind.
GENERAL YEAGER: ARE YOU GETTING FRESH WITH ME, PRIVATE ALTMIRE?!
WILL: SIR, NO, SIR!
GENERAL YEAGER: GOOD! DON’T GET FRESH WITH-Well, that was pretty funny actually. (Chuckles) BUT I DON’T THINK IT’S FUNNY THAT BUCK-TEETHED JAPS ARE BOMBING OUR HARBORS AND HIDING IN OUR TELEPHONE BOOTHS LISTENING TO OUR CONVERSATIONS! THAT’S WHAT BUGS BUNNY TOLD ME AT LEAST! NOW LET'S DO SOME TRANING EXERCISES, MAGGOTS!
(General Yeager leads them away. Cut to a 50-year old Nicholas Donahue sitting at a desk with a 40s style telephone wearing a 1940s style suit, writing down something. A 45-year old Calvin Zimmerman comes in and sits down at a desk across from him)
CALVIN: What is today?
NICHOLAS: It’s Thursday the 12th.
CALVIN: I know it’s the 12th, but I want to know what day of the week it is.
NICHOLAS: I just told you it’s Thursday!
CALVIN: Okay. What month?
NICHOLAS: It’s March.
NICHOLAS: What do you got, money in your ears you fucking Jew, I said it’s March!
CALVIN: Nicholas, it’s April.
NICHOLAS: What? Oh yeah, of course. It is April. Wait, why’d you ask me if you knew the answer?
CALVIN: It’s kind of like when you’re little and you ask your friend what a pussy is just to see if they know what it is.
NICHOLAS: So April’s like a vagina then?
CALVIN: April showers bring May flowers. (Nicholas chuckles) Nicholas, what’s the year?
NICHOLAS: It’s 1945, Calvin, fuck you.
CALVIN: I’m just saying Nicholas, you’re getting up there, what are you like, fifty now?
NICHOLAS: Yeah, I’m fifty, but I’m still filled with piss and vinegar, don’t worry about that. Remember, I joined the police force because I admired how you took down Sarandon.
CALVIN: Yeah, well I’m quite admirable. But then once prohibition was repealed, we had no choice but to turn to the murder division.
NICHOLAS: Speaking of which, we have a new case. (Nicholas takes out a case file) Two men were killed execution-style at the Sparking Widows Apartment Complex in downtown Hansbay.
CALVIN: Weird name.
NICHOLAS: Also, two men were killed.
CALVIN: Yeah, that too. Get your coat.
NICHOLAS: I’m the one who introduced the case, I should say get your coat.
CALVIN: (Sighs) Jesus Christ.
(Nicholas and Calvin get their coats on and head out the door. Cut to Calvin and Nicholas at the apartment door. Nicholas knocks on it)
CALVIN: Sparking Widows Estates?
NICHOLAS: I get it, it’s a weird name!
(A middle-aged woman in 40s clothing opens the door and you can see the two dead men and the blood spatter on the wall)
WOMAN: (Jovial) Hello!
NICHOLAS: Jesus Christ, who are you?
WOMAN: I’m the landlady. Looks like I’ll be needing new tenants!
CALVIN: Wow, so inappropriate. Where’s the chief?
WOMAN: He’s in there, but I was just checking out the joint, making sure it would be a good fit to rent out again eventually, once all the blood and bodies are cleaned up.
NICHOLAS: Please move, psycho lady.
(Nicholas and Calvin nudge her out of the way and go in to see a 45-year old Detective Hambery)
CALVIN: Chief Hambery, it’s a pleasure.
CHIEF HAMBERY: Not for these people.
NICHOLAS: It looks like they had a rude awakening.
CALVIN: It looks like they were shot in the head, Nicholas.
NICHOLAS: Hey, don’t ruin the desensitization process, it keeps me sane!
CHIEF HAMBERY: It looks as though they were shot point-blank in the head, like there was little, if any resistance.
NICHOLAS: How could that be?
CALVIN: Maybe they wanted to die. They live in downtown Hansbay, after all. (Nicholas chuckles) You’re right, that does make me feel better.
NICHOLAS: I told you.
CALVIN: Well, do we have any leads, Hambery?
CHIEF HAMBERY: Well, it’s come to our attention that this worked at a business downtown and the people there may not have necessarily been happy with them.
NICHOLAS: What’s the business?
CHIEF HAMBERY: It’s a shoe store on Steno Avenue.
CALVIN: A shoe store? I could use some new Crocodile shoes.
NICHOLAS: You know how I feel about those.
CALVIN: How do you feel about those?
NICHOLAS: They’re fucking weird! It’s like, whey don’t they make turtle shoes and you just put shells on your feet?! Huh?! It’s a slippery slope!
(Cut to Nicholas and Calvin driving down the street in their 1944 Packard, listening to the radio)
RADIO ANNOUNCER: And that is why Twinkies will last forever. This is Bernard White, it is Thursday, April 12, 1945 and it is a mild Spring day in Hansbay. There are-what’s that? I’m sorry, I’m being handed some stunning late-breaking bulletin. (Nicholas turns up the volume) You might want to turn up your radios for this.
(Calvin turns down the radio)
BERNARD WHITE: It has been reported to us that the 32nd President of the United States, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, died today-(They appear shocked and Calvin turns up the radio) in Warm Springs, Georgia at approximately three thirty.
NICHOLAS: Oh my God.
BERNARD WHITE: Vice President Harry S Truman will soon presumably be sworn in as the 33rd President of the United States as funeral arrangements are made for this country’s longest-serving President.
CALVIN: He just died? He’s not even retirement age!
BERNARD WHITE: President Roosevelt has lead us some through some tough times. When we were feasting on boots during the depression, when we were feasting on dust-covered boots during the dust bowl, when we stopped that awful dictator from rounding up people he didn’t trust just because of their ethnicity and placing them in camps and of course, when President Roosevelt rounded up people he didn’t trust just because of their ethnicity and placed them in camps. But those were Japs, it was different. President Roosevelt will surely be missed.
NICHOLAS: Oh my God, how are we going to concentrate on this case now that the President is dead?
CALVIN: I guess we’ll see.
(They stop their car and get out and walk into a shoe store, where a man is behind a counter wearing a really nice suit and various rings. There are shoes everywhere naturally and he is listening to an old-timey radio)
PATRICK: If you are just joining us, we have received news that the President of the United States, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, has died at the age of 63 in Warm Springs, Georgia. This is the first President to die in office in twenty-two years since our 29th President Warren G. Harding, who was assassinated by congestive heart failure in August 1923. Before Harding’s death the last President to die in office was President McKinley 44 years ago when he died from bullet entry syndrome.
(Calvin and Nicholas walk up to the man behind the counter)
CALVIN: Guess who else is dead?
MAN: Excuse me?
NICHOLAS: What are you doing?
CALVIN: I’m trying to make use of this situation, okay? You know who else died today? Christopher Driggs and Paul Kolde. They were shot in the head execution-style at their apartment at Sparking Widows estates.
MAN: I’m sorry, who are you people?
NICHOLAS: I’m Detective Nicholas Donahue and this is Detective Calvin Zimmerman, we’re with the Hansbay police department murder division. We’re investigating the deaths of Chris Driggs and Paul Kolde.
(They both flash their badges and then put them away)
MAN: Oh. Well, officers, I wouldn’t know anything about that, did you hear the President died?
CALVIN: Don’t try to change the subject; did you know Driggs and Kolde?
MAN: First of all, I’m Lucas. How are you?
NICHOLAS: Are you trying to make nice with us?
CALVIN: Lucas, did you know Driggs and Kolde?
LUCAS: Yes, they were my employees.
NICHOLAS: So you would know something about them then, right?
LUCAS: Can I get you guys anything? Hot tea? Coffee?
CALVIN: I’ll take some coffee.
NICHOLAS: You’re taking the bait, Calvin.
CALVIN: Fuck, uh, I mean, screw you and your coffee! The President is DEAD and I WANT TO KNOW WHO DID IT!
NICHOLAS: We’re not investigating the President’s death, Calvin.
CALVIN: Sorry, I got confused. I WANT ANSWERS!
LUCAS: Listen sirs, let’s just sit down for coffee and talk this out. I’m very sad that Chris and Paul died of natural causes, they were good men.
NICHOLAS: They were shot point-blank in the head.
LUCAS: Let’s go to the back room.
(Nicholas and Calvin go around the counter and follow Lucas to the back, but Nicholas notices Lucas is not wearing the brand of shoe that his store sells. He ponders this as he walks into the back room. Cut to Connor Lautenberg, his wife, his son and his daughter in the lower deck of a steam ship. Connor is lying on a cot while his 13-year old son and eleven-year old daughter spin a dreidel. Connor’s wife is lying on another cot)
CONNOR: (Jewish accent) Ah, America. I cannot wait to see the Stature of Liberty and the Lincoln Memoriam when I get off this steam ship at Newark Harbor.
CONNOR’S WIFE: It’ll be much better than Poland was, that’s for sure.
CONNOR: You’ve got that right, Abbey.
CONNOR’S SON: Dad, will America be scary?
CONNOR: Of course not, boychick. It will be beautiful. It has the highest standard of living in the world, at least for another thirty years.
CONNOR’S SON: And after that?
CONNOR: Don’t worry; you’ll be long gone by then, Kirk.
KIRK: Dad, I’ll be forty-three.
CONNOR: Shit, you’re right.
ABBEY: Let’s not worry about that right now. Are we almost to America?
CONNOR’S DAUGHTER: Well, I’ve been spinning this dreidel around for a couple days now. I don’t know why the ancient Jews found this so entertaining, I’m bored as a hell over here.
CONNOR: HEY! Hell doesn’t exist, Samantha!
SAMANTHA: Sorry, father.
CONNOR: It’s okay. And we’ll be there soon, just be patient. This damp, dark room isn’t that bad, imagine what the Nazis would have for accommodations. They certainly wouldn’t have left a mint on our pillow, I’ll tell you that much.
(Cut to the Lautenbergs walking off the steam ship to see New York Harbor and the Statue of Liberty)
CONNOR: Take it in, family. This is America. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life trash talking immigrants like me.
(A customs officer walks up)
CUSTOMS OFFICER: Hi there. Can you please sign in to the United States?
(The customs officer presents a clipboard)
CONNOR: Absolutely, sir. Unfortunately, although I speak English exponentially well, I am illiterate in the language. I will have to sign my name another way.
(Connor takes the clipboard and puts the date, 12-4-1945 (the fourth of April 1945) and signs his name with a circle and hands it to the customs agent)
CUSTOMS AGENT: What is this?
CONNOR: It’s a kike.
CUSTOMS AGENT: I beg your pardon?
CONNOR: I drew a kike where my name is supposed to go.
CUSTOMS AGENT: it looks like a circle.
CONNOR: Is that what Americans call it? Okay then, it’s a circle.
CUSTOMS AGENT: So you knew the word “exponentially” but not the word “circle”?
CONNOR: Here are our passports.
(Connor, Abbey, Kirk and Samantha show the man their passports)
CUSTOMS AGENT: Alright then. Welcome to America, kike. Go along now.
(They walk onto land)
CONNOR: Did that guy just call me a circle?
(Cut to Maxwell and Will wielding guns in a field. Kneeling down behind rocks as Japanese shoot at them)
MAXWELL: HOW LONG HAS THIS BATTLE BEEN GOING ON?!
WILL: LIKE, ALMOST TWO WEEKS!
MAXWELL: THESE JAPS DON’T GIVE UP!
WILL: WELL, ONCE THEY SEE WHAT WE PUT OUT, THEY’LL BE SCARED!
(Will pulls the clip off a grenade and throws it to the Japanese side. An explosion is heard as Maxwell and Will cover their ears)
MAXWELL: DO YOU HEAR THAT RINGING?
WILL: YEAH, IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY; I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!
MAXWELL: ME TOO!
(Maxwell hops up and shoots at the other side. He ducks down once they shoot back. General Yeager sneaks over)
GENERAL YEAGER: ALRIGHT, YOU TWO! WE HAVE TO KILL THESE JAPS DEAD!
WILL: BUT THEN WE’LL JUST HAVE TO KILL THEM AGAIN HALF AN HOUR LATER!
GENERAL YEAGER: THAT’S RACIST!
MAXWELL OH, SO RACISM’S REAL TABOO NOW?!
GENERAL YEAGER: KEEP ON KEEPING ON IS ALL I’M SAYING!
WILL: PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY SIR?
GENERAL YEAGER: GRANTED!
WILL: YOU CAME ALL THE WAY OVER HERE TO TELL US TO KEEP ON KEEPING ON?!
GENERAL YEAGER: PERMISSION REVOKED!
WILL: YOU CAN’T DO THAT!
GENERAL YEAGER: ADVANCE!
(Maxwell, Will, General Yeager and fourteen other troops advance forward and shoot their guns at various Japanese. Maxwell and Will keep shooting Japanese people until they make it to a street in some village that appears devoid of shooting)
GENERAL YEAGER: Did we kill all of them?
WILL: I think so. But this village might have aggressors.
MAXWELL: I hope not, I don’t like it too rough.
WILL: Yeah, I like it smooth, in and out, you know?
MAXWELL: Definitely. That’s the bee’s knees, legs and genital areas.
GENERAL YEAGER: Shut the fuck up, you two.
(They begin walking through the village)
OTHER SOLDIER: Sir, if we see little Japanese children, what is our course of action?
GENERAL YEAGER: Unless they have bombs, guns or are possessed, you don’t do shit, Private Woodrow. They’re kids for God’s sake.
PRIVATE WOODROW: What about unarmed adult Japanese?
GENERAL YEAGER: Don’t shoot until you see the slants of their eyes.
PRIVATE WOODROW: So, shoot immediately?
GENERAL YEAGER: Yes.
(They come upon a dead Japanese body in the middle of the road)
MAXWELL: Oh my God.
(A gunshot is heard, sending the soldiers scattering for cover)
GENERAL YEAGER: WHO’S HERE?! THIS IS THE UNITED STATES MILITARY, REVEAL YOURSELF! (A Japanese man with a Thompson submachine gun emerges from a building, pointing the gun at the soldiers, causing all the soldiers to point their guns at him) YOU’RE FAR OUTNUMBERED, YOU FUCKING NIP!
JAPANESE MAN: ??????????
(SUBTITLES: I think otherwise)
MAXWELL: What did the gook say?!
(Dozens of Japanese soldiers come out of the woodworks, along with General Hideki Tojo, prompting a gasp from the American soldiers)
GENERAL YEAGER: Oh my God, that’s Tojo.
WILL: Holy shit!
GENERAL TOJO: Yes, it’s me. General Hideki Tojo.
GENERAL YEAGER: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, TOJO?! YOU HAVEN’T BEEN PRIME MINISTER FOR NINE MONTHS!
GENERAL TOJO: Oh, but I still fight on behalf of my country. It is my life’s goal to turn the world into an imperialist Japanese wonderland! Every receptionist will be a Geisha, every gym teacher will be a samurai, every professor will be a wise man of the mountains, every schoolgirl will become a sexy schoolgirl and every businessman will become suicidal. It will be a paradise, I tell you. And the United States will become the United Incorporated Extensions of Japan and your flag will look like this.
(General Tojo unravels a flag depicting Harry Truman’s face against a red background, except instead of his eyes there’s a large X and a large single tear drooping from it)
MAXWELL: Why is Vice President Truman on there instead of President Roosevelt?
GENERAL TOJO: I guess you haven’t heard. (Tojo hands the flag to some Japanese soldier) President Roosevelt is dead; Truman is your President now.
GENERAL YEAGER: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?!
GENERAL TOJO: Calm down, I didn’t kill him; he had a stroke or something.
GENERAL YEAGER: Oh. Well, are we gonna fight or something?
GENERAL TOJO: Yes.
(General Tojo runs into the building as the American soldiers open fire on the Japanese soldiers, who get into strategic positions and open fire back. In the scuffle, two American soldiers are killed. Maxwell gets up and opens fire on one Jap, but Will pulls him down as they open fire on him. Maxwell and Will go into a building to see General Tojo and a Japanese soldier. Maxwell and Will open fire on Tojo, but Tojo uses the other soldier as a human shield and they kill him instead. Tojo then takes out his gun and shoots at Maxwell and Will, who duck to avoid, but then shoot in Tojo’s direction. Tojo runs upstairs and Maxwell and Will follow him to the top floor. Tojo is holding a grenade and standing near a window. Maxwell and Will stop)
MAXWELL: General, you don’t want to do that.
GENERAL TOJO: Why not?
WILL: Think of the consequences!
MAXWELL When your wife asks you what you did at work today, you’ll have to tell her you killed a bunch of people!
WILL: That’s not very good dinner table conversation.
GENERAL TOJO: But it makes great pillow talk. Katsuko loves it when I tell her about killing Americans, it turns her on.
MAXWELL: Oh my God.
(General Tojo pulls the pin, throws the grenade and Maxwell and Will close their eyes in anxious anticipation. About ten seconds pass and Maxwell and Will open their eyes)
GENERAL TOJO: …Must’ve been a dud.
(Maxwell and Will open fire on Tojo, but Tojo uses a Japanese soldier he pulled out of seemingly nowhere as a human shield)
WILL: How did-?
MAXWELL How did I not see him before?!
(General Tojo climbs down the building as bullets continue to fly. He then runs to a military truck and gets on)
GENERAL TOJO: I’LL RETURN 67 YEARS FROM NOW TO RAISE A TEENAGE ARMY OF ANIME-OBSESSED EMO KIDS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
(General Tojo drives away, deflecting bullets the whole time. Cut to Maxwell and Will exiting the building)
MAXWELL: What is anime?
WILL: What are emo kids?
(Cut to Nicholas, Calvin and Lucas sitting in the back room of the shoe store, drinking coffee)
NICHOLAS: So…did you…murder Driggs and Kolde?
LUCAS: No, of course not.
CALVIN: Okay then, let’s go.
NICHOLAS: What are you doing? Hold on!
CALVIN: C’mon Nicholas, does the owner of some shoe store look suspicious to you? He looks like a saint!
NICHOLAS: Hambery told us they were mad at them!
LUCAS: We were mad at them, sure, but that was only because their work performance wasn’t up to par, we would never kill them over it.
CALVIN: What was wrong with their work performance? Were they slovenly? Lazy?
LUCAS: They…came in late. Constantly.
NICHOLAS: So why didn’t you fire them?
LUCAS: Because they are my partner’s friends.
CALVIN: Who’s your partner?
LUCAS: His name is Daniel Walsh. He works in the back.
CALVIN: I thought we were in the back.
LUCAS: Oh, there’s more back to this store. Like, you don’t even know.
NICHOLAS: Well, where is Daniel?
DANIEL: (Offscreen) YEAH?
LUCAS: THERE’S SOME PEOPLE OUT HERE THAT WANT TO TALK TO YOU!
LUCAS: HANSBAY HOMICIDE!
DANIEL: I’M KINDA BUSY!
LUCAS: WELL, IT’S KIND OF IMPORTANT!
DANIEL: WELL I’M KIND OF BUSY!
NICHOLAS: Fuck this; I’m going back there myself.
(Nicholas and Calvin get up, as does Lucas)
LUCAS: I’ll lead you back there, gentlemen.
(Lucas leads Nicholas and Calvin into the next back room, where there a bunch of boxes of shoes, but no Daniel)
NICHOLAS: Where is he?
LUCAS: He must be further back.
NICHOLAS: How many back rooms does this store have?
LUCAS: Trust me, this baby’s got back.
CALVIN: I should tell that line to my friend Mr. Burrell, he’s a professional poker player.
NICHOLAS: Hold on a second, those shoes you’re wearing, they’re not the brand that this store sells.
NICHOLAS: So why wouldn’t you wear your own brand of shoe?
LUCAS: …Laundry day.
CALVIN: You wash your shoes?
LUCAS: What are you implying, detective? (Nicholas and Calvin walk to the front of the store while Lucas follows. Nicholas goes up to a shoe and picks it up and looks inside of it) See? There’s nothing.
(Nicholas lifts up the bottom pad to see a Social Security card, which he then takes out)
NICHOLAS: Nothing except THIS!
CALVIN: AHA! You’ve been selling people’s Social Security numbers! That’s why you had Driggs and Kolde killed! Because they were going to tell police!
LUCAS: NO! I don’t know how that got there; I think my friends put those there!
NICHOLAS: If your friends put those there, that would be a really mean joke. (Nicholas takes another shoe and pulls out the Social Security card) Well, look at that. Calvin, call the Social Security Administration. In the meantime, you’re under arrest for the murder of Christopher Driggs and Paul Kolde.
(Nicholas puts him in handcuffs. Cut to Connor, Abbey, Samantha and Kirk in a dirty apartment. Connor is making stew, Abbey is sewing and Kirk and Samantha are playing with dreidels)
ABBEY: This is the highest standard of living in the world?
CONNOR: Hey, don’t complain it’s better than Poland.
ABBEY: The President just died and this neighborhood is awful. What a bad time to move to America. Why’d we move to Canarsie specifically?
CONNOR: It’s the American dream, Abbey. This is where Jews go. Now who wants pork stew?
ABBEY: Excuse me?
CONNOR: I’m kidding! (A knock is heard at the door) I’ll get it.
(Connor goes to answer the door to see a door to door salesman)
SALESMAN: Why hello there, Jewish sir. My name is Frederick Bumpass. Thanks for taking a break from bathing in Christian baby blood to speak with me. Are you interested in a new kind of product that allows you to spray stuff? (He takes out an Aerosol spray can) This amazing invention allows you to spray stuff from a can! It’s only been available to the general public for like four years, it’s kind of amazing nobody thought of it before.
CONNOR: I’m not interested.
FRED: Ugh…fine. I guess I’ll just quit this dead-end job and move to Hansbay.
CONNOR: Where’s Hansbay?
FRED: It’s a town in Western Vermont. My father Roscoe Bumpass made it big there as a bootlegger before he went to jail. I see it as a shining opportunity city and I’m going to move there!
CONNOR: Do you know if there’s a significant Jewish population there?
FRED: Hopefully not.
(Fred leaves. Connor closes the door)
ABBEY: Yes, Connor?
CONNOR: Pack your bags. We’re moving to Vermont.
ABBEY: Really? We just moved here!
CONNOR: Yes, but Vermont is the promised land!
CONNOR: It starts with a V, most American states don’t start with a V.
ABBEY: What about Virginia?
CONNOR: Abbey, we need to move there. Alright? The salesman I was just talking to says there’s a lot of opportunity there. I mean, you’ve already expressed your protestations about this place!
ABBEY: Right, but I don’t know if we should move so quickly.
CONNOR: The salesman said he hopes there’s not too many Jewish people there.
ABBEY: Pack the bags.
(They go into another room. Cut to Maxwell and Will sitting in a military tent)
MAXWELL: I think we worked together pretty well out there. Shooting us some Japs!
WILL: (Chuckles) Yeah, we did really well. We work well together.
(General Yeager peeks his head in the tent)
GENERAL YEAGER: Alright, lights out! We got a long day of killing Japs tomorrow!
MAXWELL AND WILL: Yes sir.
(General Yeager leaves. Maxwell and Will lie down and put out the lantern. Then, a few seconds later, they both turn towards each other. Maxwell kisses Will on the mouth and then they start making out with each other. They continue making out and then Maxwell unzips his pants, as does Will. The camera zooms out of the tent slowly as sex noises are made. Cut to Nicholas Donahue arriving home from work to see 48-year old Morgan and ten-year old Leonard Donahue. Morgan walks over with Leonard)
NICHOLAS: Hi, Morgan. How are you holding up?
MORGAN: I don’t know, it’s weird. The President is dead. He’s been our leader for so long and now suddenly, Truman! He’s only been Vice President for two and a half months, who the hell even is he?
NICHOLAS: To me, he looks like a boxing magnate and he sounds like every radio announcer ever. But, you know, Roosevelt has been in office for twelve years, he probably died of stress.
MORGAN: And then our precious Maxwell is fighting in Japan under the command of President Truman, I never know what he’s doing our what kind of danger he’s in, it’s-
NICHOLAS: Leonard, go listen to the radio.
LEONARD: It says things to me, daddy.
NICHOLAS: That’s because it’s a radio, just go.
(Leonard goes away)
MORGAN: I’m sorry, I forgot he was there.
NICHOLAS: Morgan, you needn’t worry yourself about something you can’t control.
MORGAN: I needn’t?
NICHOLAS: (Smiles) You needn’t.
(They both smile)
MORGAN: How was work?
NICHOLAS: Pretty good. We arrested a guy who killed two people because they were going to tell the police about how they were selling Social Security cards by hiding them in the soles of shoes.
MORGAN: Wow, that’s ingenious.
NICHOLAS: Yeah, it was fucking ludicrous. Let me go talk to Leonard.
(Nicholas walks over to Leonard, who is listening to the radio)
RADIO: The Campaign to re-elect Franklin Delano Roosevelt in 1948 released a statement that Roosevelt’s death is a minor setback in their effort to get Roosevelt elected to a fifth term.
(Nicholas turns off the radio and kneels down)
NICHOLAS: Lenny, do you know what happened today?
LEONARD: The President died.
NICHOLAS: No, Lenny, he didn’t die, he just…took his wheelchair and went to live on a farm somewhere.
LEONARD: They said he died of a massive stroke.
NICHOLAS: Goddamn radio people. Fine, yes, he did die. And the country we live in, America, is going to be in a period of mourning, we’re going to be sad. You know, about twelve years before you were born, another President died suddenly.
NICHOLAS: Yes. His name was Warren Harding. It was sad, but it was less sad than this because Warren Harding was a corrupt asshole.
LEONARD: Oh. So this is more sad?
NICHOLAS: Yes. You know what the President does right?
LEONARD: He makes sure people of color don’t get jobs.
NICHOLAS: (Sighs) No, that just kind of happens naturally. He makes sure the Country’s at peace and that everyone is safe and secure.
LEONARD: How is he going to be President if he’s dead?
NICHOLAS: He won’t, Leonard. There’s going to be a funeral on Saturday and now we have a new President.
NICHOLAS: Okay, good boy.
(Nicholas gets up and Leonard runs off. Morgan walks over to him)
MORGAN: So do you think Maxwell is safe over there?
NICHOLAS: I think he’s doing the manly job that men do in the military.
(Cut to Maxwell and Will having sex in the tent. Then cut to a Japanese man with a shotgun walking near their encampment. He steps on a stick. Cut to Maxwell and Will having sex when the noise happens)
(Maxwell stops having sex and grabs his gun)
MAXWELL: I heard someone.
(Cut to the Japanese man with the shotgun walking over to the General’s tent. He shoots the tent and blood spatters everywhere. This causes Maxwell and Will to emerge from their tent, stark naked pointing guns at him. He turns and aims the shotgun, but Maxwell and Will shoot him twice in the chest, sending him to the ground. Suddenly, other military personnel jump out of their tents wielding guns, however, they are clothed and are shocked to see Maxwell and Will not clothed)
PRIVATE WOODROW: Okay, a lot of question are running through my mind, but I guess my first one is WHAT?
MAXWELL: Some fucking Jap shot General Yeager, he’s dead.
ANOTHER SOLDIER: Oh my God. That’s terrible.
PRIVATE WOODROW: Yeah, it is. Um, but if I could address-
WILL: WE WERE FUCKING! QUEERS EXIST! GET OVER IT! WE JUST SAVED ALL OF YOUR ASSES, SO WHY DON’T YOU JUST CAN IT?!
ANOTHER SOLDIER: …Yes sir.
(Cut to Connor, Abbey, Samantha and Kirk getting off the bus at a Hansbay bus terminal)
CONNOR: Here we are, family. Hansbay!
ABBEY: Smells like syrup and cold.
CONNOR: That’s the American dream!
ABBEY: Stop saying everything’s the American dream, please.
CONNOR: And what you just said is the Hansbay dream! Let’s go!
SAMANTHA: No more dreidels!
(They walk away. Cut to Leonard reading the Hansbay Quintessential nearly three weeks later in early May. He is reading it in his dining room next to Morgan, who’s reading the same thing. The headline reads “ADOLF HITLER DEAD: HARRY TRUMAN SWORN IN AS FUHRER, Wait, that can’t be right”)
NICHOLAS: Wow, I guess FDR started a trend.
MORGAN: That’s morbid.
NICHOLAS: Apparently, he committed suicide and married his girlfriend Eva Braun a day earlier.
MORGAN: I read that he shot himself while holding a cyanide capsule in his mouth. Why would he do that?
NICHOLAS: Maybe just in case the bullet didn’t take. Maybe he had a rope around his neck and a knife to his wrists too.
MORGAN: (Laughs) Gotta have a back-up plan, especially when you’re committing suicide with your birdie.
(The doorbell rings. Nicholas gets up to get it. He opens the door to see Connor holding an aerosol spray can)
CONNOR: Do you like to spray stuff?
NICHOLAS: I’m not interested.
(Nicholas slams the door in his face. Fade to black)
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Script / Humor
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
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