The Donahues Episode 53

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan’s therapy friends treat him differently at school, Ethan has to deal with the press and Jacob gets a job at a Toys R Us, where Delaware also works, where a fat chick won’t leave him alone

Submitted: November 28, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: November 28, 2012









“On fragile hearts and weaker souls. No. He only dwells in desires of duplicity; and that tires me so; drilling sharp strategic holes in my heart; kicking the dim-light out of me until crying comes about”

  • John Frost


(We start with Ryan in his room, masturbating on his bed. Then cut to him washing his hands. He sees razor blades on his bathroom counter. He takes one and looks at it. Cut to Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury delivering the news)


PATRICK WHITE: Former Chief of staff to Mayor Brian Sarandon Ethan Donahue was arrested on Thursday for bribery, extortion and misuse of public funds. Donahue is just another piece in the ever-growing puzzle that is the alleged corruption within the Hansbay City Government under Mayor Sarandon.


FIONA CADBURY: It’s an “ever-growing puzzle”?


PATRICK WHITE: Um, yes, Fiona, it is.


FIONA CADBURY: Puzzles don’t grow, Patrick, you just have to put them together.


PATRICK WHITE: Yeah, they don’t grow like a plant, but the more you put the pieces together-


FIONA CADBURY: They don’t grow at all.


PATRICK WHITE: Whatever, I didn’t write this shit. Can we do it again?


DIRECTOR: We’re live.


PATRICK WHITE: Oh yeah. Fuck.


(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Jacob, Ryan, Madeline, Rob and Logan sitting in the living room watching the report on TV)


ETHAN: What a load of macaroni.


KIMBERLY: Macaroni?


ETHAN: Malarkey, whatever it is.


LOGAN: It’s not either; you’ve admitted that you’re guilty in front of all of us.


KIMBERLY: Um, why are you still here, Logan? I thought the reason we were keeping you here was so Zimmerman wouldn’t hand over the evidence to the prosecution, but he has, so…


ETHAN: He didn’t hand over all of it. So Logan lives another day.


RYAN: If we’re conditioning Logan’s life on this, I’ll do the honor.


ETHAN: That’s not what I meant. Listen, the Mayor and I are defending ourselves using the best lawyers possible. Nobody beats these guys. Nobody I tells ya. At Harvard Law School, they were hazed into fraternities by being required to blindfold themselves and hold two scales while reciting the Miranda rights.


JACOB: That doesn’t sound that bad, actually.


ETHAN: Plus, they had to hold an olive in their ass for an hour.


JACOB: Of course.


KIMBERLY: Well, I hope they let you off. You know, I still wonder how Zimmerman got ahold of that evidence.


ETHAN: When the trial comes, that’s a question we’ll be asking adamantly.


PATRICK WHITE: Key Republicans like Senator Lindsay Graham of South Carolina, Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia and Congressman Peter King of New York have said they are willing to violate the Grover Norquist “no tax hikes” pledge if it’s for the good of the country in the fiscal cliff deal.


ETHAN: Wow, the only news I want to hear about less than my legal problems.


KIMBERLY: I have a feeling that those three members of Congress will be distinguished gentleman from the bottom of the Potomac River pretty soon if I’m not overestimating Grover Norquist’s power.


ETHAN: Well, listen everybody, just in case this case doesn’t go in my favor, I want you to know that I could be going away for a long time. In the unlikely event I go to jail, I appoint Jacob as the man of the house.


ROB: Why not me?


ETHAN: You know why not you so don’t even bother.


ROB: Fine.


ETHAN: And if I do go to jail, Kimberly will have to take care of you and the income from her business isn’t going to cut it. Kimmy, if I go to jail, you’d have to put your business on hold and find a job.


KIMBERLY: I understand.


ETHAN: Good. Also, Jacob, I told you already to get a job just in case I go to the clink. Even if I don’t it’s probably best that you get a job.


JACOB: I understand, I got a job at Toys R Us, I start tomorrow.


ETHAN: Good on you. Ryan, go to work more often so you don’t get fired.


RYAN: I still can’t believe Michelle is letting me keep my job, I haven’t showed up since Election Day. Speaking of Michelle, her new boyfriend Delaware works at Toys R Us, Jacob.




RYAN: But he still doesn’t like you.


JACOB: I will win him over with the power of po-


RYAN: Jacob!


JACOB: Pussy…


RYAN: Wow, you should’ve stuck with “pot” if “pussy” was your save.


ETHAN: Is it too late to appoint a new man of the house?


ROB: No it is not!


ETHAN: On second thought, I’m content.


(Cut to Ryan in a corner of his dark room, using the razors to cut his wrists)


RYAN: Dad thinks he can just leave us here…HE THINKS HE CAN GET SYMPATHY FROM ME BECAUSE HE CHOSE TO BE A CORRUPT ASSHOLE? RGGH! THAT FUCKING KILLS! Oh, it’s so good. He just willfully ignores that his son is harming himself…I don’t want Jacob to be my dad…I want Sarah to be my bride…or Michelle…I don’t know, they’re so similar…what is that dripping feeling on my leg? Oh, that’s blood.


(Cut to Ryan, Cooper, Scott, Mr. Proskovec and the rest in group therapy together)


MR. PROSKOVEC: Okay, happy Sunday, everybody, I hope you’ve had good breaks. Now let’s talk about how shitty our breaks were. We’ll start with Cooper Dickson.


COOPER: Um, ever since April 20th, my mom’s been looking up whether each day has a drug-related meaning, and she found one website saying that there were five drugs called 1119, 1120, 1121, 1122 and 1123. So she grounded me for fear that I would go out and do those drugs on those days even though they don’t exist. It turns out that website was set up by my dad.


RYAN: Damn, you got grounded for five days to prevent you from doing imaginary drugs?


COOPER: That’s correct.


MR. PROSKOVEC: Wow, that’s rough. Scott, how shitty was your break?


SCOTT: Well, my friend’s dick dad got arrested at my Thanksgiving dinner.


RYAN: Dude, I’m right here!


SCOTT: But we did start a band!


RYAN: Yes we did!


SCOTT: So it actually was not that bad.


MR. PROSKOVEC: Well I’m glad. Ryan?


RYAN: Well, my kind of sucked actually. Firstly, my brother and I followed this guy we thought may have been planning to shoot up the school, it turns out he’s just kind of an awkward kid with some eccentric interests. Um, they killed off the main character in my favorite anime just because the Japanese voice actor died of radiation poisoning, my prescription for Prozac probably needs to be strengthened and they should allow me to take it with alcohol! But most and foremost-


MR. PROSKOVEC: That’s redundant, but go ahead.


RYAN: MOST AND FOREMOST, my dad was arrested, as you all probably heard.


MR. PROSKOVEC: I did hear. Sorry to hear that, Ryan.


RYAN: But I thought you already heard.


MR. PROSKOVEC: Ryan, how does your father’s arrest and impending trial make you feel?


RYAN: Well, I feel like…I don’t know, it’s like, he brought this onto himself and now he’s expecting us to operate without him should he go to jail.


COOPER: Well, he may not have a choice.


RYAN: I know, it’s just…he’s getting all this sympathy from us and all this support when we should be pissed at him. Meanwhile, I’m dealing with drug addiction, self-harm and chronic depression and they just say “sorry about that” and act like that solves everything.


MR. PROSKOVEC: Well Ryan, are you envious of the attention your father is receiving?


RYAN: Yes! I’m especially envious of all the support he’s receiving. We all tearfully apologized to each other during Thanksgiving-


SCOTT: Which made me feel real comfortable, thanks for that.


RYAN: You’re welcome, but anyway, it’s like, talk is cheap, right? They throw me in here, they say let a professional deal with it but they forget the reason why they need a professional is because they can’t communicate with me effectively.


COOPER: Is it them or is it you?


RYAN: …Probably both.


MR. PROSKOVEC: When’s the last time you took drugs, Ryan?


RYAN: Um…I’ve been a couple weeks at this point. But I’ve been drinking…and jerking a lot more than I usually would. Meanwhile, Sarah and I have barely seen each other in the last three weeks. It’s like, she doesn’t have the same effect on me that Michelle did. I remember on Halloween, she encouraged me to ditch my Prozac and just have fun naturally on a trampoline with her and our friends, but…I secretly took the Prozac anyway. I sometimes feel like I wanted Sarah because I no longer wanted Michelle and once Michelle broke up with me, I wanted Sarah because I wanted Michelle. Now that I have Sarah, I almost feel like I just want Michelle again.


SOME STUDENT: BORING! Goddamn, am I right? (Silence) Okay, so no one appears to be with me on this.


COOPER: Yeah, no one is.


SOME STUDENT: Okay, I’ll try it again. BORING!


RYAN: Why would that help?!


(Cut to Ryan, Scott and Cooper walking to the parking lot of the therapy facility)


COOPER: I just don’t feel comfortable with it.


RYAN: Why not?


COOPER: You guys are going to make fun of me!


SCOTT: No, we’re not, dude, out with it! Why are you in drug therapy?


COOPER: …It was marijuana. (Ryan and Scott laugh) I knew you guys were going to make fun of me!


RYAN: (Laughing) No, dude, that’s hard shit. How much dank did you shoot up?


SCOTT: (Laughing) Snort some fuckin’ doobies, dude?


COOPER: (Smiling) Fuck you guys.


RYAN: Dude, we’re messing with you, I have a brother who’s addicted to pot.


SCOTT: Yeah, drugs can be destructive whatever they are, we understand.


COOPER: Okay. I guess I should probably speak up in our sessions more often then.


RYAN: Yeah.


COOPER: Okay, well I’ll see you guys.


RYAN: See ya.




(They all walk to their cars. Cut to Jacob standing in front of a wall covered in rifles, guns, grenades and pictures of military officials such as Defense Secretary Leon Panetta, Commander in Chief Barack Obama, acting CIA Director Michael Morell and Afghanistan War Commander General John Allen)


JACOB: This is quite an impressive collection.


(General DePinto walks over with two glasses, one with soda and one with alcohol)


GENERAL DEPINTO: Well, weapons have kind of been my secret passion.


JACOB: You’re a General, how is that your “secret” passion?


GENERAL DEPINTO: I don’t know, it’s like admitting you play Dungeons and Dragons. “Oh, I cast a bullet curse on this ancient bearded terrorist wizard! Plus twenty hit points!”


JACOB: Yeah, that’s really badass!


GENERAL DEPINTO: Just don’t tell anybody.


JACOB: Oh, you got me soda, thank you.


GENERAL DEPINTO: No, this is for me. I got you Scotch.


JACOB: Um, I have to drive to work soon. Plus, I’m only eighteen.


GENERAL DEPINTO: Fine, I’ll have both. (Jacob and DePinto sit down) So you got a job, eh?


JACOB: I did.


GENERAL DEPINTO: Which infantry have you enlisted in?


JACOB: I invested in the red-shirt cackied pants Toys R Us infantry.


GENERAL DEPINTO: And I thought the National Guard was full of pussies.


JACOB: (Laughs) Well, it’s a job. And since my dad got arrested, he’s been saying I need to get a job. I may have to be the breadwinner for the family.


GENERAL DEPINTO: Well, you could also win bread in the United States Military.


JACOB: Noah, I know. But I can’t leave my mom with a husband in prison, a son in Afghanistan, a drug-addicted emo son and an asshole half-brother, it would just be too much.


GENERAL DEPINTO: Fair enough. But if your dad doesn’t go to jail, I think your calling is in the army.


JACOB: (Singing) I don’t know what I’ve been told!


GENERAL DEPINTO: How can you not know if you’ve been told it?


JACOB: (Singing) But Eskimo pussy is mighty cold!


GENERAL DEPINTO: Well, it depends on the temperature of the environment they’re in-


JACOB: (Not singing) Were you actually in the military?


GENERAL DEPINTO: Yeah, but they left me out of the misogynistic chants during Vietnam and Desert Storm. Except for this one, (singing) I don’t know who gave me a handy, bur Iraqi pussy is mighty sandy!


JACOB: You got a handy from and Iraqi chick?




JACOB: Was that her name?


GENERAL DEPINTO: No, that’s my favorite movie from the 90s.




(Cut to Jacob in a Toys R Us uniform working the technology desk, looking bored. An overweight chick is working the other side of the desk and goes over to Jacob)


OVERWEIGHT CHICK: Ugh, what a busy day.


JACOB: I know.


OVERWEIGHT CHICK: My name’s Caroline.


JACOB: I’m Jacob.


CAROLINE: Cool. Busy day, huh?


JACOB: Yes. You mentioned that.


CAROLINE: The boss here is such a dud.


JACOB: He’s a dud?


CAROLINE: Yeah, like a total dud.


JACOB: What does that mean?


CAROLINE: It doesn’t matter, just agree with me.


JACOB: Fine.


CAROLINE: Do you smoke?


JACOB: Are you sure we should be talking about this here?


CAROLINE: Ooh, James Bond, I see.


JACOB: No, just not wanting to be fired, you see.


CAROLINE: I’m Pussy Galore.




CAROLINE: So you do smoke?




CAROLINE: Because I smoke as well.


JACOB: Really?


CAROLINE: Yes. I smoke four bowls a day, minimum.


JACOB: That’s a lot. I smoke five, though.




JACOB: Yeah, it’s pretty chill.


CAROLINE: That is so chill.


JACOB: Okay, don’t say that word anymore.


CAROLINE: Do you watch the show Game of Thrones?

JACOB: I don’t.


CAROLINE: Well, let me describe to you the first couple of episodes.


JACOB: Oh God.


(Cut to Jacob and Delaware stocking shelves together)


DELAWARE: So are you working here now?


JACOB: No, I just figured I’d throw on a red shirt and volunteer.


DELAWARE: I don’t take well to sarcasm.


JACOB: Sorry.


DELAWARE: Dude, I’m fucking with you man. Hey listen, sorry that we got off on the wrong foot when we met.


JACOB: Oh, don’t worry about it.


DELAWARE: I just thought you were kind of annoying and trying too hard to be my friend, you know?


JACOB: I said don’t worry about it.




JACOB: Speaking of trying too hard to be someone’s friend, this fat chick named Caroline keeps talking to me, it’s SO annoying.


DELAWARE: So you’re criticizing her for doing what you did to me?




DELAWARE: Well I don’t blame you, Caroline is fat and gross. And fat and gross people should talk to other fat and gross people, not the normal.


JACOB: Yeah, well, I don’t want to be mean, but-


DELAWARE: Be mean. That’s the only way she’ll learn to back off. And backing off will probably get her fat ass some exercise.


JACOB: She says she wants to smoke weed with me.


DELAWARE: Dude, she smokes weed? That’s fucked up. Fat chicks should not be stoners, only cute beanie-capped Bob Marley-shirt wearing chicks should be stoners, even if they think Marley was a rapper. Just not fat chicks. Who would’ve thought that people who sit on their ass all day eating and smoking pot would get fat?


JACOB: Well, the point is, I can’t stand her.


(The manager drives over in a Barbie car and starts honking the horn while Jacob and Delaware stand there)


MANAGER: Move it, employees! (Honk) We got some of the black Friday latecomers and they angry! (Honk) Let’s go!


(The manager starts circling Jacob and Delaware in his Barbie mobile while honking repeatedly. Cut to Ryan sitting in his ASL class with Cooper, Scott, Barbara and some other hipster chick behind him, talking)


COOPER: So then Valerie came over to have sex with me-


VALERIE: (Laughing) Cooper, stop it!


COOPER: She said “I want Cooper’s Dickson me.” (Scott Laughs) She made a play on words with my name while we were fucking.


VALERIE: (Laughing) Stop it!


SCOTT: (Laughing) That’s great.


VALERIE: (Half-jokingly) You’re an asshole!


COOPER: You’re the wordsmith here; you can come up with something better than “asshole”.


VALERIE: I’ll leave that to Delaware, he’s the song writer.


COOPER: Fucking Delaware. Did you hear he’s dating Michelle?


(Ryan’s eyes perk up)


SCOTT: Who doesn’t know that? They’ve been dating for over a month.


BARBARA: Where does Delaware work again?


COOPER: I think he works at Toys R Us.


(Ryan turns around)


RYAN: Really? My brother Jacob works at Toys R Us.


COOPER: Hey Ryan, A to B conversation here, so D your way out.


RYAN: That’s not how that goes first of all, secondly, dude, I was just saying.


COOPER: This conversation is private, thank you.


RYAN: Not really, you were talking about how Valerie fucked you pretty loudly while the teacher is a few feet from you.


COOPER: This is an ASL class, she’s deaf!


RYAN: No, she’s not!


COOPER: Oh my God, just turn around, Ryan.


RYAN: Fine, Jesus.


(Ryan turns around, looking dejected. Cut to Ethan in his home office on his computer)


ETHAN: Good for Marco Rubio, nobody really knows how old the Earth is. I don’t understand how atoms works, so who’s to say they’re not plotting against me? (There is a ringy ding at the door) I’LL GET IT! (He gets up) Wait, nobody’s here.


(Ethan walks to the front door and opens it to see Matthew Chambliss with a microphone and a camera man behind him)


MATTHEW: Mr. Donahue, how do you feel about your legal troubles?


ETHAN: How do you feel with a black hooker’s tits in your face?


MATTHEW: Walked right into that one.


ETHAN: So did she.


(A newspaper reporter comes out of a bush)


REPORTER: Mr. Donahue, I’m Luke Stockton from the Hansbay Quintessential, how is your family holding up in the face of your legal problems?


ETHAN: Were you hiding my bush?


LUKE: No, I’m a newspaper reporter, I live there.


ETHAN: Wow. Listen, I have no comment about the scurrilous and untrue allegations against me, I am a good family man who is being victimized in a witch hunt.


MATTHEW: Let’s see if you float!


ETHAN: That is a good movie.


(CNN’s Tom Foreman walks over to the house with a microphone and a camera behind him)


TOM FOREMAN: Mr. Donahue, this story is receiving state-wide attention due to its complexities, when you sleep at night do you see the hairs on your head shrivel and gray into another unrecognizable clump of your former self, delicately dropping onto your pillow as you start the next day a new man no better than the last?


ETHAN: Did you just recite a poem to me?


TOM FOREMAN: It’s pretty good, right?


ETHAN: I mean, yes, but-wait, why does CNN care about this?


TOM FOREMAN: The election’s over, we’re thirsty for scandal. And ever since the Israeli-Gaza war ended, we’ve got to find something juicy.


ETHAN: Well, unlike the Israeli-Gaza situation, MY situation will resolve itself, and not with a nuclear bomb either. Although I wouldn’t put it past the prosecution. (The reporters chuckle) My trial is tentatively scheduled for mid-January 2013, so you can leave me alone until then. I have no further comment.


(Ethan goes inside as reporters shoot questions at him. Ethan closes the door, draws all the blinds and takes out his iPhone. He then presses six to speed dial Mayor Sarandon. Cut to Mayor Sarandon typing on his computer in the Mayor’s office)


MAYOR SARANDON: Dear Vogue Magazine, more like vague magazine. HA! I’m a genius.


MARIA: (Intercom) Mr. Mayor, Mr. Donahue is calling your cell phone.


MAYOR SARANDON: What? (His cell phone rings and he picks it up) Hello?


ETHAN: (On the phone) I need you to come over.


MAYOR SARANDON: But I saw on the news that a bunch of reporters are showing up, if I show up, that’s going to be fish food for the media.


ETHAN: Put on a disguise or something, just come over.


MAYOR SARANDON: I have a lot of disguises, should I be a clown?


ETHAN: YES! I’ll say I’m hosting a birthday party for my son.


MAYOR SARANDON: You have an eighteen year old and a seventeen year old.


ETHAN: The media doesn’t know if my sons are mentally retarded or not, right?


MAYOR SARANDON: Oh my God, I’ll be over soon.


(Mayor Sarandon hangs up. Cut to Ryan waiting in the therapy room with some other people, but Scott and Cooper have not showed up yet. Some student is talking to Ryan)


SOME STUDENT: So I decided that ten reps a day would be better for my…body type…and I think…


(He falls asleep)


RYAN: Were you bored by your own story?


(He wakes up)




(Cooper and Scott walk in)


COOPER: Hello, therapy people!


(They both sit down)


RYAN: What the hell, man?




RYAN: Today in ASL! You totally bitched me out!


COOPER: What? Really?


RYAN: How do you not remember? You told me to “D” my way out of your conversation.


COOPER: I meant to say “F” your way out.


RYAN: Then it would still be wrong.


COOPER: Listen dude, I was just keeping up appearances. Nobody knows I’m in drug therapy and nobody knows that I fraternize with the likes of emo kids such as yourself.


RYAN: Everybody in here knows you’re in drug therapy.


COOPER: Yeah, but when I have a pact not to tell anybody, remember?


RYAN: No, I actually don’t. I remember your suicide pact.


COOPER: Yeah, and when everybody pussied out, I replaced it with a “no tellsies” pact.


RYAN: Still, you don’t have to be a dick to me outside of therapy.


COOPER: You gotta understand Ryan, I’m a prep, you’re an emo, you’re Irish, I’m Scottish.


RYAN: This isn’t the mafia, plus you fraternize with hipsters all the time!


COOPER: Yeah, but they’re like one or two electrons away from preps. It’s the difference of sparies and TOMS, basically.


RYAN: Just, don’t embarrass me like that, at least!




RYAN: Also Scott, why didn’t you stand up for me? We have a band!


SCOTT: I can’t stand up for myself against my dad, what do you expect?


RYAN: Don’t milk me for sympathy, asshole!


SCOTT: Sorry.


RYAN: Ugh, whatever. I’m used to it anyway.


(Cut to Jacob assisting an old woman in the video game section)


OLD WOMAN: Most people don’t realize this, but there were no video games during the depression!


JACOB: Who doesn’t realize that? (Pan to Jacob’s manager, behind him, who clears his throat) I mean, can I help you with anything else?


OLD WOMAN: No thank you.


JACOB: Okay. Have a great day.


(The old woman walks away)


MANAGER: Watch what you say, Jacob. We have to respect our customers here. On black Friday, I let a woman gouge another woman’s eyes out over a TV because I RESPECT the right of that woman to harm others for material goods.


JACOB: Sorry, Mr. Silver.


(Mr. Silver gets in his Barbie mobile and rides away. Delaware walks over to him)


DELAWARE: Scolded by the boss, OUCH! Let me see those sears.


JACOB: Silver’s so weird.


(Caroline walks over)


CAROLINE: I know, he’s such a dud!


DELAWARE: The fuck outta here, Caroline!


CAROLINE: Excuse me?


JACOB: He’s joking.


DELAWARE: No I’m not; Jacob doesn’t want to talk to you!


JACOB: Delaware, what are you doing? Caroline, don’t listen to him.


DELAWARE: Jacob, you told me that she was annoying you, right?


CAROLINE: You said that?


JACOB: No, I didn’t say that!  Delaware’s just being an asshole.


CAROLINE: Well that appears to be his specialty, doesn’t it?


DELAWARE: Well at least my specialty isn’t eating my weight in whale heart!


JACOB: Oh my God!


CAROLINE: Fuck you, asshole!


(Caroline walks away)


JACOB: What the fuck are you doing?!


DELAWARE: She insulted me first! She called me an asshole. So I was forced to retaliate.


JACOB: You ARE an asshole, you insulted her to her face!


DELAWARE: Oh, so you like her now, then? You like fat chicks?


JACOB: No, it’s not that, it’s just…I still hate her, it’s just…she did insult you first though.


DELAWARE: That’s what I wanted to hear. Look at us now. Two months ago we held animus, but now we stick together. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to tell little kids to ask their parents to buy M-rated titles.


(Delaware pats Jacob on the back and walks away. Jacob clearly feels guilty. Cut to Mayor Sarandon, who’s wearing a track suit with sunglasses, a baseball cap and slightly disheveled hair. He walks past clueless reporters at Ethan’s house and walks inside his house. Cut to Ethan greeting Sarandon at the door)


ETHAN: You look like a middle-aged coke addict.


(Mayor Sarandon takes off his sunglasses)


MAYOR SARANDON: I look like a master of disguise.


ETHAN: Let’s talk in the kitchen. (Cut to the two at the kitchen table) I’ve had to deal with the press hounds all damn day. Asking questions and writing down things on their little pads or iPads. Yet they’re still outside my house!


MAYOR SARANDON: You want me to have Sheriff Warren sic the dogs on them? It worked during the civil rights movement.


ETHAN: No, I just want you to teach me the art of pandering! I need to keep a positive public image throughout this thing, I mean, I’m in survival mode, so like Bear Grylls, I need to drink the piss of pandering to the public.


MAYOR SARANDON: I like the alliteration. But listen, pandering is an art form, not everybody can get it right away, you know? First off, mention the local sports team.


(Cut to Ethan holding a press conference outside the Hansbay courthouse)


ETHAN: So, like the Red Sox, this case is going to be a slam dunk for me!


(Cut back)


MAYOR SARANDON: Make a pop culture reference or two, but don’t be like Romney and mention “George Costanza” or “Big Bird”. Just keep it simple.


(Cut back to Ethan speaking to the press)


ETHAN: I’m going to defeat these allegations like Edward defeated…Glee.


(Cut back)


MAYOR SARANDON: Be sure to latently compliment your audience, not only the reporters in front of you, but the people you know are watching who you want to impress.


(Cut back)


ETHAN: First off, I’d like to thank the reporters who keep this nation such a vibrant Democracy. They, along with our nation’s jurors, judges, jailers and executioners, are some of the handsomest, most intelligent people on God’s green Earth.


(Cut back)


MAYOR SARANDON: Always compliment someone’s question but then insult them by not answering it.


(Cut to Ethan talking to reporters)


MATTHEW CHAMBLISS: If you’re innocent, how do you explain the expensive trip to the Cayman Islands?


ETHAN: That’s a great question, Matthew. Let me answer it with a question. How do you explain what to not do when not doing trips to the Caymans?


(Cut back)


MAYOR SARANDON: Do you understand?


ETHAN: Seems easy enough.


MAYOR SARANDON: It’s not as easy as it sounds.


ETHAN: I’ll go try it.


MAYOR SARANDON: Go get ‘em, tiger.


(Ethan gets up. Cut to Ryan, Scott and Cooper walking out of the therapy building at night)


COOPER: People always assume I play tennis.


RYAN: Do you?


COOPER: Of course, but it’s pretty presumptuous.


SCOTT: You’re holding it right now.


(Cooper holds up a tennis racket)


COOPER: Well I’m going to the courts later! (Cooper sees Barbara, Valerie and Preston walking over) Oh shit.


(Cooper jumps in a nearby bush)


RYAN: What the fuck?


COOPER: Just keep walking!


SCOTT: Okay.


RYAN: Dude, are you serious?


(Barbara and Valerie walk up to Ryan and Scott)


VALERIE: Hey Scott.


BARBARA: Hey Scott, hey Ryan.


RYAN: Hello, Barbara and Valerie.


VALERIE Why did Cooper jump in a bush when we came over here?


SCOTT: Cooper? You mean like a barrel maker? I haven’t seen any around here lately.


(Cooper jumps out of the bush)


COOPER: Man, I’m so drunk that I fell into a bush in front of this crazy place I’ve never been to before!


RYAN: How is you being passed out in a bush drunk better than you being in drug therapy?


VALERIE: You’re in drug therapy?


COOPER: Ryan! Come on!


VALERIE: No Cooper, it’s fine, I’m just…surprised. I thought you subscribed to the whole “smoke weed ‘erry-day’” mentality.


COOPER: I was, but my parents caught me smoking weed “erry-day” and forced me into this.


VALERIE: Well…I suppose there’s nothing wrong with self-improvement. Is this why you were being such a dick to Ryan today?


COOPER: Partially? It’s just…I didn’t want to make you think I had psychological problems, I wanted to continue to be untouchable.


VALERIE: You were trying to protect your superman persona…for me?


RYAN: He tried to deceive you.


COOPER: Sometimes even superman needs to go to drug therapy.


RYAN: No, he never did that.


SCOTT: Ugh, Ryan, you’re just too brainwashed by the mainstream version of superman.


VALERIE: Well…maybe it’s time you jumped into another bush.


(Valerie jumps on Cooper and they start making out in the bush)


BARBARA: Wow, she came up with another play on words.


RYAN: Yeah, but what they’re doing can’t be comfortable.


SCOTT: We should go.


RYAN: Yeah.


(The three of them walk away. Cut to Jacob sitting in the kitchen with a cup of milk. Ryan walks in while he’s masturbating)


JACOB: Oh my God! What are you doing?!


RYAN: What? Mom, dad and Rob aren’t home and we’re both guys here, right?


JACOB: Why can’t you do it in your room?!


RYAN: I have things to do, I’m multi-tasking!


JACOB: Ryan, put your dick away!


RYAN: Fine, Jesus, you’re so uptight. (Ryan puts his dick away and zips up his pants) What is this, puritan society?


JACOB: Please tell me you’re rolling at least!


RYAN: No, I’m pretty sober. In fact, jerking it is kind of replacing X for me.


JACOB: Oh my God.


RYAN: So how was your day?




(Cut to Jacob in the toy aisle with Caroline)


JACOB: Listen, I’m really sorry about Delaware, he’s kind of a dick sometimes.


CAROLINE: Yeah, no kidding.


JACOB: Is there anything I can do to-


(Delaware walks over)


DELAWARE: Sorry to interrupt, but Silver needs extra hands in the 3D TV section. We need to throw a lot of them away.


JACOB: Well, I was just telling Caroline that she owes you an apology for calling you an asshole.


DELAWARE: Atta boy. Meet me in the TV area.


(Delaware walks way)


CAROLINE: You’re a pussy.


JACOB: You’re not the first girl to tell me that.


(Caroline walks away. Cut back to Jacob and Ryan in the kitchen)


JACOB: Nothing major. Delaware and I are becoming the friends we deserved to be in the first place.


RYAN: Cool.


(Cut to Ethan and Mayor Sarandon walking through the front door)


MAYOR SARANDON: You are terrible at pandering.


ETHAN: I’m sorry I’m not as duplicitous as you, you know?


MAYOR SARANDON: The Red Sox are not a football team!


ETHAN: I’m sorry I’m not a Hockey genius, you know?


MAYOR SARANDON: Stop fake apologizing!


(Ethan and Mayor Sarandon walk into the kitchen to see Ryan and Jacob)


ETHAN: Hello, boys.


JACOB: Hello, dad.


RYAN: Dad, I’m going to Sarah’s house.


ETHAN: No, Ryan, I need you to help me clean out the attic.


RYAN: Talk to me when you’re not  a suspected criminal.


(Ryan walks away)




(The door slamming is heard)




(Ethan rubs his eyes)


ETHAN: He probably wouldn’t be helpful anyway. (He stops rubbing his eyes) Jacob, can you help?


JACOB: Yes sir.


(Jacob gets up and walks over to them)


MAYOR SARANDON: Maybe we can find some Red Sox Legend Peyton Manning memorabilia up there.


ETHAN: Shut it.


(They all walk away. Cut to Sarah opening the door to see Ryan standing there)


SARAH: Ryan!


(Sarah hugs Ryan)


RYAN: Hey. You smell like silly puddy and…anti-freeze.


(They stop hugging)


SARAH: It’s a bootleg anime-themed perfume from Okinawa.


RYAN: Oh, the Japanese and their bootlegging.


(Ryan comes in and Sarah closes the door)


SARAH: So what’s up?


RYAN: Um, well we haven’t really seen each other much outside of school since Halloween, so…I’m seeing you.


SARAH: Yeah, that’s fine. Let’s go upstairs.


RYAN: Okay.


(Sarah and Ryan go upstairs. Cut to them in Sarah’s room)


SARAH: Sorry about your dad.


RYAN: Yeah, well I’m pissed at him for doing this to us. Everyone else in my family is just falling all over themselves to support him.


SARAH: Well, Ryan, maybe forgiveness is key to keeping the family together.


RYAN: Forgiveness? He knew this might land him in jail and leave us without a father, but he chose to do it anyway.


SARAH: He probably didn’t think that far ahead.


RYAN: Then how can he lecture me on being short-sighted?! It just pisses me off.


SARAH: I understand.


RYAN: Listen, I’m planning a sleepover for this Friday. It’s going to be Michael, Brennan and hopefully you. Are you free?


SARAH: Well…yes.


RYAN: Why did you hesitate?


SARAH: I was just making sure in my own head.


RYAN: Does your head have a secretary?


SARAH: Yeah, and I don’t bang her like your dad’s former boss.


(Ryan smiles and the two of them hug, but their faces both look uncertain while they’re doing it. Fade to black)



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