The Donahues Episode 55

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan, Sarah, Michael and Brennan remain on the run as they head to Rhode Island; Jacob tries to draw his friends away from pot and he protests his treatment by them

Submitted: December 05, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: December 05, 2012









“Adrenaline rises as this comes around that corner, feet prancing lightly across to friends, laughter rings upon the trio's ears as we three walk down this open lane”

-Kevin Wang


(We start with Ryan driving with Sarah, Michael and Brennan in the car. Sarah is still clearly pissed)


RYAN: …Sarah? Are you still angry at me?


SARAH: Yes, of course I am!


RYAN: Is someone…ticklish?


(Ryan starts trying to tickle Sarah but it causes the car move into the other lane too much)


SARAH: (Laughing form the tickling) RYAN! Stop it! Focus on driving!


(Ryan stops tickling Sarah and corrects the car’s convergence)


RYAN: Fine. Michael-no, Brennan, tickle Sarah for me so I can get her in a better mood.




MICHAEL: Why’d you pass over me?


SARAH: Absolutely not, no one’s tickling me.


RYAN: Fine.


BRENNAN: I had to urinate.


RYAN: Why don’t you anymore?


BRENNAN: I mean to say “have to”.


RYAN: How do you accidentally use the wrong tense?


BRENNAN: Can we just pull over?


RYAN: Fine. We’re about to arrive in New Hampshire so we’ll pull over then.


(They pass by a sign that says “WELCOME TO NEW HAMPSHIRE, THE LIVE DEAD OR FREE STATE”. They pull into Jake’s Fuel and Convenience and park. They all get out)


RYAN: Alright, let’s make sure everything’s going well. I’ll go inside to get a drink, Brennan will pee and Michael will…do what?


MICHAEL: I’ll get food. There’s a market here, so...


RYAN: Great. Make sure the food’s not reconstituted anus meat like most gas station food.


MICHAEL: Alright.


RYAN: Sarah, you can pump gas, right?




RYAN: You’ve got to be kidding me.


SARAH: I usually have a gas station attendant do it!


RYAN: Those don’t exist anymore!


SARAH: I pay lost ten year olds to do it for me.


RYAN: How many lost ten year olds do you run into? You’re helpless!


MICHAEL: Whoa, a fight is brewing here. Let’s just focus on keeping our eyes on the focus, which is the prize.


RYAN: Fine. I’ll teach Sarah how to pump gas.




(Ryan and Sarah get in the car, Brennan and Michael walk into the convenience store. Cut to Brennan peeing while Michael stands nearby in the bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror)


MICHAEL: It’s like, those two are so wrong for each other.


BRENNAN: I know, Sarah thinks Ryan’s not a man? You’ve got to be kidding me, if Ryan’s ever dated anyone who’s been more of a man than him it’s Michelle.


MICHAEL: Hands down.


BRENNAN: That chick never let anything get by her.




(A knock is heard)




(Cut to Ryan taking out the nozzle)


RYAN: Okay, so the nozzle is out. Now what do we do?


SARAH: You put it in the trunk?


RYAN: How are you manlier than I am?


SARAH: I don’t know; just show me how to do it!


RYAN: Okay, (Ryan opens the fuel hatch, undoes the thing and then sticks it in, while engaging the thing that makes it stay) Voila! (Pronounces it voy-la) Instant gas.


SARAH: Thank you.


RYAN: Please tell me you helped those ten year olds get back to their legal guardians.


SARAH: Reluctantly, yes.


RYAN: Why reluctantly? Also, why do you think I’m not a man?


SARAH: I don’t know, it’s just that I go through boyfriends like tissues. And you’re more of a Puff brand of tissues. Soft, but not durable when used against a raw, red nose. Brandon was like a Kleenex. Not that soft, but it could take a beating. Logan was like using sand paper to blow my nose. I mean, you’re and emo who can’t work with his hands worth a shit, you’re not athletic, you’re pretty damn lazy actually and you don’t like watching professional football, and if commercials have taught me anything, it’s that every man on Earth loves professional football.


RYAN: I know plenty of football players!  OJ Simpson, Plaxico Burress, Michael Vick, Larry Craig-


SARAH: All of those are just football players who fell from grace who everybody knows, except for the last one; he was just a Senator who solicited a handjob in an airport restroom.


RYAN: Well, what football players do you know?


SARAH: It’s not my job to know football players! It’s yours.


RYAN: Well sorry I’m not as manly as the fucking dork and the psychopath you used to date.


SARAH: Keep Logan out of this!


(Cut to Logan sitting on the couch with Roger, Ross and Jacob taking turns smoking from a bong. Logan is laughing)


ROGER: This kid is awesome!


JACOB: This kid’s…interesting.


LOGAN: Dude.


ROGER: What?


LOGAN: Jacob dresses like he’s in eighth grade.


(They all start laughing, except for Jacob, who just sits there half-smiling. He then flips them off. Cut to Michael and Brennan walking through the snack aisle)


MICHAEL: What should we get?


BRENNAN: Twinkies.


MICHAEL: We can’t, Hostess shut down, remember?


BRENNAN: Fucking unions. That’s why I had to cross a picket line at Walmart just to buy Chinese slave-made E-Z Bake ovens the other day.


MICHAEL: Holy shit; there are some forgotten Twinkies at the back of the shelf!


(Cut to a view of the Twinkies crammed back there)


BRENNAN: Get them!


(Michael sticks his hand back there, and while he pulls the Twinkies out, his wristband slips off, but he gets the Twinkies)


MICHAEL: Thank God! Wait, these might be old.


BRENNAN: How do you figure that?


MICHAELL: Well, for starters, there’s a “Rock Us Dukakis” sticker on it.


BRENNAN: Doesn’t mean they’re actually 24 years old.


MICHAEL: The expiration date is December 15, 1988.


BRENNAN: Twinkies don’t expire!


MICHAEL: Ah, you’re right, let’s get ‘em.


(Brennan and Michael walk up to the cashier and put a Twinkie down)


BRENNAN: One twenty-four year old Twinkie, please.


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah in the car, waiting for Michael and Brennan)


RYAN: So then I challenged Scott to a fight!


SARAH: Yeah, and I was against it.


RYAN: So I backed out! But why would you be against it if you want me to be manly?


SARAH: Because I want to see you defend yourself over something that matters, not petty love squabbles.


RYAN: Oh my God, you’re hard to figure out, Blumenthal.


(Michael and Brennan get back in the car)


MICHAEL: Are you guys still fighting?


RYAN: Let’s just go.


(Ryan starts the car, backs up and leaves. Cut to Jacob falling asleep on the couch.  Roger, Ross and Logan are nearby. Logan is slowly moving his hand towards Jacob’s pocket)


JACOB: Ugh…I’ m gonna take the… (Logan reaches into Jacob’s pocket and grabs his cell phone, causing Jacob to wake up while Logan sprints away) GODDAMNIT, LOGAN! (As Ross and Roger laugh and follow, Jacob chases Logan downstairs, through the dining room, into the kitchen where Logan stops for a brief moment and pretend-humps the microwave, before Jacob gets too close to him and Logan flees back through the dining room and into the living room where Jacob chases him across the couch and Logan then runs into the bedroom and hides under the bed. Jacob lifts the sheets and out comes Logan dressed as a woman) That doesn’t work in real life, ASSHOLE! (Logan runs away and Jacob chases after. Logan goes into the kitchen and Jacob backs him into a corner as Ross and Roger catch up to them) GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK!


(Logan takes off all his clothes and points his dick at the phone, which is now on the ground)






LOGAN: Back away or the phone gets it!




LOGAN: Have we met before?! YOU KNOW I WOULD!


JACOB: Logan, DON’T!


LOGAN: Too late!


JACOB: It’s actually not! (Logan pisses on Jacob’s phone and Roger and Ross start cracking up) WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!


(Logan runs out of piss)






ROSS: Dude, he pissed on your phone!




LOGAN: You shouldn’t have fallen asleep at a party, bro.


JACOB: You shouldn’t have pissed on my phone!


LOGAN: So we both did things we regret.


JACOB: Do you regret this?




(Logan starts laughing)


JACOB: Could you please put your dick away? Wow, I had had to ask far too many people to do that in the last week.


LOGAN: Fine.


(Logan puts his dress back on)


JACOB: Change into guy’s clothing please.




(Logan walks out of the room while Roger and Ross are still laughing and Jacob turns around)




ROGER: (Laughing) Sorry, dude. It was his idea.


JACOB: I didn’t think it was your idea to have him steal my phone.


ROGER: No, that was our idea. But it was Logan’s idea to piss on it.


JACOB: Oh my God…why do you guys like him so much, you know he’s crazy, right?


ROSS: That’s why we like him so much!


JACOB: Well tonight it seems you like him more than you like me!

ROGER: C’mon nigga, you know that ain’t true.


JACOB: Stop talking like a black person, Roger, you’re a spic, you’re only halfway there.


ROGER: What?


JACOB: Oh, so you can say nigger but I can’t say spic?


ROGER: Dude, I’m one of two Hispanics in the entire state of Vermont, you can say spic literally anywhere else but in my presence.


JACOB: What do you guys like about me, huh? You’ve treated me like shit tonight, whenever we get stoned you think I’m annoying and the crazy thing is, I’m not even sure we’d be friends if it weren’t for weed because all too often you get it from me!


ROSS: What about me? We’d still be friends.


JACOB: No Ross, you’re one of them now. You could only stay above the fray so long, couldn’t you? If you hang around stoners for long enough, inevitably you get stoned like a Saudi Arabian feminist.


ROSS: Offensive.


ROGER: Why are you getting so angry right now?


JACOB: Because this whole night has been “Shit on Jacob” night. You guys agreed that I dressed like an eighth grader!


ROGER: I’m sorry if I offended anyone.


JACOB: You did offend someone, ME!


ROGER: I’m sorry if I offended ANYONE!


JACOB: You guys encouraged a crazy person to steal my phone!


ROGER: Mistakes were made, and I will be looking closely into that.


JACOB: Oh my God, stop with the non-apology apology political tricks bullshit!


ROGER: I express my regret.


JACOB: Jesus.


ROSS: Jacob, I really am sorry.


JACOB: Well at least one person is. Where’s Logan by the way?


(Jacob, Ross and Roger walk into Kimberly’s bathroom to see Logan passed out on the ground in his dress)


ROSS: Aww…he looks like a schizophrenic angel.


(Cut to Isaac, Troy and the two other goons in Isaac’s car)


TROY: Where are we, boss?


ISAAC: We’re in Lebanon.


TROY: We’re in the East Mediterranean?! Man, how long have I been asleep?!


ISAAC: Shut up, clueless sidekick. We’re in Lebanon, New Hampshire, we just got here.


GOON: I want McFries!


ISAAC: You want McDonald’s?


GOON: Yeah, I want McFries from McDonald’s.


ISAAC: Let’s just stop at this gas station.


(They pull into Jake’s Fuel and Convenience. Cut to Isaac and Troy in the snack aisle)


TROY: Isaac, can I talk to you about something serious?


ISAAC: Sure.


TROY: I think Ted might be a homosexual.


ISAAC: Who’s Ted?


TROY: He’s another one of your minions.


ISAAC: Oh. Well, why do you think he is?


TROY: Well, he told me that he has feelings about men he doesn’t quite understand, and it’s making him contemplate his identity, and-


ISAAC: I just realized how little I care about this.


(Isaac starts to walk away)


TROY: It’s important for a man to know himself!


(Isaac stops when he sees some powdered donuts)


ISAAC:  ??? ???, ???? ???????? ???? ???? ???? ???? ?????? ?? emo ???? 10 ??? ???? 500 ??????.


(SUBTITLES: Oy vey, powdered donuts will get me in the mood to bag a ten-foot emo bass worth five-hundred dollars)


(Isaac reaches his hand for the Donuts but then feels Michael’s bracelet. He then grabs ahold of it and puts it up to his noise and sniffs)


ISAAC: Smells like broken thoughts.


TROY: (Singing) Full of broken thoughts, that I cannot repair.


ISAAC: No, I don’t mean Johnny Cash’s broken thoughts of guilt about stealing a song from the Nine Inch Nails.


TROY: He’s dead.


ISAAC: I mean the broken thoughts of an emo kid! This means only one thing, Troy. Ryan and his faggot buddies have been here.


TROY: Shit, then we should ask the cashier.




(Troy and Isaac go up to the cashier)


ISAAC: Sir, were there four emo kids here recently?


CASHIER: No, it was just two of them. They went into the bathroom together, it was weird.


ISAAC: Okay. This means the other two were probably pumping gas. Let’s go Troy.


(Isaac and Troy leave. But then, Isaac comes back in, grabs some powdered donuts and places them on the counter and gets out his wallet. The cashier scans the product and Isaac swipes his credit card and presses the button. A receipt prints out and the cashier grabs it as Isaac picks up his donuts)


CASHIER: Do you want the receipt?


ISAAC: No thank you.


(Isaac starts to walk out)


CASHIER: Have a nice day.


ISAAC: You too!


(Isaac leaves. Cut to  Ryan driving with his group)


RYAN: …What time is it?


MICHAEL: It’s 11:40. Oh my God, it’s almost December, you guys!




RYAN: Hey, did we just pass Dunbar Hill Cemetery?


BRENNAN: I think so.


RYAN: Good, I want to make sure we’re going the right way. This GPS hasn’t said jack to me since we turned on Dunbar Hill road.


SARAH: That was like two minutes ago.




SARAH: See, a man wouldn’t ask anyone for directions, especially not some slutty machine.


RYAN: You get way too much of your information about men from car commercials.


BRENNAN: Oh my gosh, look!


(Cut to a family on the side of the road with their car broken down)


SARAH: We need to help them!


RYAN: Someone else will.


SARAH: That is called the bystander affect and we will not succumb to it. Pull over.


RYAN: Fine, but let’s make it quick, they could still be after me.


SARAH: They probably have no idea where we even are.


(Ryan and the rest get out of the car to see the family there. It consists of a husband, wife and two young boys. The boys are dressed in raggedy clothes and are covered in soot)


MAN: Excuse me sirs, but my wife and I’s car broke down and our kids be mighty hungry.


RYAN: It looks like they’re from the industrial revolution.


WOMAN: That’s because they be mighty hungry.


MAN: My wife’s about to go into labor, we need your car.


RYAN: Your wife has a flat stomach.


BRENNAN: And flat boobs.


SARAH: Brennan!


BRENNAN: Just saying!

MAN: She’s one of them girls like on those Discovery channels that ain’t didn’t not have no idea she was pregnant. But now she going into contortions and sheet. All this time I thought she was just getting fat!


RYAN: Right, but again, she has a flat stomach.


MAN: Can we have your car?


RYAN: No! You’re clearly con artists. Trust me, I would know, I tried to extort shoe money from people at my homecoming dance.


BRENNAN: Yeah, he’s an asshole.


(Cut to Isaac driving)


ISAAC: Keep your eyes peeled for Ryan and his cohorts.


TROY: It’s midnight, there’s no light.


ISAAC: More like co-WHORES!


TROY: You making a joke is not going remedy the fact that it’s dark outside.


(Isaac’s car breaks down and stops in the middle of the road)




TED: What are we going to do?


TROY: Um, I see some people up there, let’s ask them for help.


ISAAC: Oh so you can see people in the dark then?


TROY: It’s your headlights!


(Isaac, Troy, Ted and the as of yet unnamed goon get out and walk over)


ISAAC: HEY! UM, WE’RE HAVING SOME CAR TROUBLE, AND-(The people in question turn out to be the family and Ryan’s group) SON OF A BITCH!


(Ryan, Sarah, Brennan and Michael start to run to the car, but the con artists knocks Ryan over, grabs his keys and him and his family gets in his car and drives away)






(Ryan gets up and has a bloody nose)


RYAN: Shit, my nose is legit hemorrhaging right now.


MICHAEL: Those assholes stole our car! Thanks a lot Sarah!


SARAH: How could I have known they were going to steal our car?!


RYAN: GUYS! Isaac and his goons are right over there!


TROY: Hey! We’re not goons!


RYAN: C’mon, you guys are never fed until after midnight!


TED: That’s Gremlins!


ISAAC: Ryan, where’s my five hundred dollars?


RYAN: It was in my car! I swear!


ISAAC: Is that why you drove to Grantham, New Hampshire? To brag to all 2,985 people here, according to the 2010 census, that you have my money?!


RYAN: How do you know the population?


ISAAC: We had to stop at the chamber of commerce so Troy could piss.


RYAN: Listen, Isaac, you’re right. I don’t have your money…with me. But I do have it. It’s in Rhode Island. I was driving to Rhode Island to get it.


SARAH: Ryan.


RYAN: Sarah, I was!


ISAAC: Are you sure, Ryan? (Isaac goes to his car and takes out his shotgun and walks back to where he was before) You better be-(he cocks the shotgun) cock sure.


RYAN: You’re being punny while threatening my life?


ISAAC: That’s my style. Now get in the car, you fucking goy, we’re going to Rhode Island.


RYAN: (Nervous) Great.


ISAAC: Fuck, I forgot, my car broke down. Let’s take yours.


BRENNAN: You saw it get stolen.


ISAAC: Oh yeah. What’re we going to do?


(Cut to Jacob, Roger and Ross) getting high in the closet)


ROGER: Dude, isn’t it weird that John F. Kennedy was Lincoln’s secretary? Like, what the fuck?


ROSS: That’s not true, Lincoln’s secretary was NAMED Kennedy.


ROGER: No dude, I think you’re wrong, I think JFK was legit Lincoln’s secretary.


ROSS: JFK would have to have been like, 113 when he was elected President for that to even be possible.


JACOB: Oh my God, this is what I’m talking about, this is all we do anymore!


ROGER: Fine nigga, what do you want us to do?


JACOB: We should dance.


(Cut to Jacob, Roger and Ross in Jacob’s living room dancing to “California Girls” by Katy Perry for a few seconds. Cut back to them in the closet, visibly upset)


ROSS: That was awful.


JACOB: I feel so guilty from doing that.


ROGER: I think I’m going to vomit.


JACOB: Why don’t we do something that makes me feel less like I killed an innocent child?


ROSS: We could drive around Hansbay Town Center playing really loud music!


ROGER: Naw, homes, it’s midnight, it’s too late to do that.


JACOB: Plus, you and Roger would get shot at by some sociopath who would later defend it using the stand your ground law.


ROSS: Why just us two?


JACOB: C’mon.


ROSS: How about we go do laser tag?


JACOB: It’s midnight!


ROSS: Yeah! And I heard that the Bernswick bowling alley is hosting an all-night laser tag thing. Could be fun.


ROGER: I’m down.


JACOB: I am most certainly down with that.


ROSS: Cool. Let’s get going.


(Jacob, Ross and Roger walk out of the closet. Cut to them getting in Jacob’s car. Jacob starts the car and drives away. Cut to them walking into the bowling alley. Colin from TDEP16 greets them at the door)


COLIN: Hello, ladies and gents. Are you here for the all-night “erryday” free boneless wings/laser tag session?


JACOB: Yes sir, we are.


ROSS: There’s wings?


ROGER: Focus, Ross.


COLIN: Right this way, sirs.


(Ross, Roger and Jacob follow him. Cut to Ross, Roger and Jacob in a dark room surrounded by laser tag vests that are hung up on the walls. Colin is in there working a desk. There is a TV in the corner. Brandon Nehring, Kirsten Snowe, Natasha, Preston and Dylan Harris are there, along with a bunch of strangers)


JACOB: Oh, wow. Kirsten. Hi.


KIRSTEN: Hello, Jacob. Not out getting high on a Friday night such as this?


JACOB: Yeah, no, we, uh…we’re kind of stoned. But I thought we should go do something.


ROGER: Is this where not high people go when they want to have fun?


BRANDON: Yes it is, Roger. Yes it is.


JACOB: Hey Dylan. No hard feelings, right?


DYLAN: None at all. The only time I’m going to shoot you is-


JACOB: The laser tag game!


DYLAN: April 20, 2013. Adolf Hitler’s 124th Birthday.


JACOB: Jesus.


DYLAN: I’m kidding.


JACOB: (Laughs) Thank God. (Dylan maintains a sinister glare) Anyway…


COLIN: Listen up, dumbies. Here are the rules of the game. No direct contact, no running, no shoving, no pushing, no lying down, no lying, no going down on your opponent-


PRESTON: Can you go down on your teammate?


COLIN: I’ll allow it.


PRESTON: Kirsten, be on my team.




COLIN: Also, no biking, no swimming, no horse riding and no shooting opponents. Although we’re kind of lenient on that last one. Anyway, get into teams, hopefully we all know how to use our laser guns and our shields. Every time you shoot someone the vest says “Great tag!” and then you get your pat on the head and you go home to base. Where everything happens. Now split it into teams, please.


ROGER: Um, I guess you and Ross want to be on a team.


JACOB: No. We’ll both be on a team and you will be on the other team.


ROGER: I really thought you were about to invite me into your team.


JACOB: Don’t be a whining Wendell!


(Jacob and Ross turn around and walk over to their team while Roger goes over to the other team. Cut to Ryan, Isaac, Sarah, Brennan, Michael, Troy, Ted and Isaac’s other goon walking on the side of the road in Grantham, New Hampshire)


ISAAC: Look! There are some houses near Stocker Pond, we could find refuge there.


RYAN: That’s true! Maybe a nice old lady who’ll sit us down, serve us hot coca and drape us in blankets- (Cut to Isaac driving a 1988 Cadillac with Ryan in the passenger’s seat and Brennan, Sarah and Michael in the back. Isaac is speeding down the road) WE JUST STOLE A CAR FROM AN OLD WOMAN!






(Isaac takes out a copy of each of Ayn Rand’s classic books “Atlas Shrugged”, “The Fountainhead” and “The Virtue of Selfishness)




(Isaac throws them at Ryan and they fall on his lap)






(Cut to Isaac driving later that night, at around 2:30 AM. Isaac’s still driving. Sarah is asleep on Michael’s shoulder, Brennan is asleep and resting his head on the window while Ryan and Isaac are still awake)


RYAN: Where are we?


ISAAC: We just entered Massachusetts, so I guess we’re in Tewksbury.


RYAN: That’s (Terrible Boston accent) wicked retawded!


ISAAC: Don’t.


RYAN: Sorry. What time is it?


ISAAC: It’s 2:30.


RYAN: AM? Damn, we’re an hour behind schedule, we’re supposed to be in Warwick in half an hour.


ISAAC: I think the theft of your motor vehicle could have something to do with our delayed schedule, wouldn’t you say?


RYAN: I guess.


ISAAC: You can thank me for getting us a car.


RYAN: You’re an awful person.


ISAAC: Then why do I get so much pussy?


RYAN: Why did Saddam Hussein get so much pussy?


ISAAC: Rape rooms?


RYAN: That, and he probably charmed the pants off women with his mustachio.


ISAAC: Women like toughness. A dictator has it in spades. A dictator also has it in kings, aces and guns firing on his own people. Trust me, if you ever want to hook up with sleepy Sarah back there, you have to show her you’re tough. All she has to do is talk her pretty mouth.


RYAN: That’s pretty chauvinistic. But it just might be genius.


ISAAC: You know it.


(Cut to Jacob running down a corridor of the laser tag arena. He points his laser at Roger and shoots, then Roger shoots back, but Jacob hides behind a barrier)




(Jacob aims his gun at Roger through a hole in the barrier and shoots him in the core of his vest, killing him)


JACOB: Damnit, nigga! Now I gotta recharge!




(Pan to a black woman with laser tag gear on)


ROGER: …Nigga, I’m sorry. DAMNIT I’m sorry I didn’t mean that, nigga’s like a comma to me!




(Jacob walks over)


JACOB: First of all, if you’re mad at him for using a racist term then you shouldn’t be portraying racist stereotypes like the sassy black chick. Secondly, just, he didn’t mean any offense




JACOB: I don’t have my hands on you!


(The woman starts hitting Roger with her purse)




(Jacob grabs a hold of her arm)






(Colin walks over with a flashlight)


COLIN: Ma’am, don’t make me shine light on you. That’s what made you black in the first place, remember that.


(The black woman scoffs and walks away)


ROGER: Thanks, nig-I mean, man.


JACOB: You’re welcome. Want me to help you up?


ROGER: Sure.


(Jacob extends his arm and Roger grabs ahold of it, but Jacob lets go, sending Roger back down to the ground)


JACOB: I’M GONNA FUCK UP YOUR BASE NOW! All of your base is belong to us!


(Jacob runs away, laughing.




(Cut to Jacob and Ross shooting at red team’s base.  Roger comes up behind them with his gun drawn, but the black woman comes up behind him and hits him in the back with her purse, sending him face-first to the ground. Then, Jacob and Ross turn around to see it)








(They all laugh and Jacob and Ross help Roger up and it appears his glasses are broken. He takes them off)


ROGER: Fuck, bro, my glasses are broke.


ROSS: They’re broken, not broke.


JACOB: But you’re broke. OH!


ROGER: What do I do now?


ROSS: Feel around, I don’t know. Just don’t feel that black bitch’s tits.


ROGER: Didn’t you hear him, aren’t you going to hit him with the purse?


BLACK WOMAN: Brotherly love, nigga.


ROSS: Obama 2016!




JACOB: He’s not eligible to run in 2016.


BLACK WOMAN: Why? Because he’s BLACK?!


JACOB: No, because he’s already been elected twice.


(Cut to Logan asleep on the bathroom floor. He suddenly wakes up)




(Logan gets up and runs out of the room. Cut to Roger feeling around corners while people, including Jacob and Ross, shoot at him with ease)




JACOB: Well, obviously.




(Logan walks in, accompanied by smoke)


LOGAN: Get ready to lock and crazy.


(Logan shoots one laser and it is shown in slow motion, traveling through air and going right into Jacob’s vest heart)


JACOB: (Slow motion) NOOOOOOO!!!


(Regular speed)




(Cheering roars through the red team ranks as the green team looks disappointed.


LOGAN: You know, you easily could have shot Roger before I shot you.


JACOB: Yeah, but I always like to keep up suspense. Anyway, how’d you even know we were here?!


LOGAN: I got a Logan sense that you guys were here making Roger feel unincluded as a subconscious, passive aggressive and petty way of getting revenge for him and I making you feel unincluded.


(Everybody starts leaving the laser tag area)


ROGER: Wow, that’s a pretty accurate Logan sense.


LOGAN: Especially since most of my senses involve the government poisoning my cashews.


JACOB: We weren’t making him feel unincluded!


ROGER: You made me go to the other team and you laughed at me when that black woman made me fall on my face.


JACOB: Exactly! Flawless friendship! Plus, isn’t it a bitch to get a taste of your own medicine, bitch?!


ROGER: Blew your cover there.


JACOB: Fine! But I hope that taste of your own medicine is covered under insurance!


ROGER: I’m Hispanic, not even my shattered glasses are covered under insurance. Speaking of which, I’m still basically blind.


LOGAN: Let’s just all agree to include everybody when we hang out with each other.


(Beckett walks over)


BECKETT; Hey guys! I haven’t seen you guys in forever, are you guys hanging out? I want to hang out.


JACOB: I have a doctor’s appointment.


BECKETT: It’s one in the morning.


JACOB: He’s not a licensed doctor. He’s going to take out my spleen and leave me in an ice bath. Gotta go.


(Jacob leaves)


ROGER: I have a book signing to get to. (Roger walks into a wall) Nice to see everybody! Gerald?


ROSS: I have to lead Roger to his book signing.


(Ross leads Roger away)


LOGAN: You don’t want to hang out with me, kid. I can only hurt you. Like I’m going to hurt these kids tonight.


(Logan walks away. Cut to Isaac pulling into a parking lot at 3:30 AM. Everyone is asleep except Isaac. Isaac shakes Ryan awake)


RYAN: AH! Don’t hurt me, Ryan! What?


ISAAC: Did you just say “don’t hurt me Ryan”?


RYAN: Where are we?


ISAAC: Warwick, Rhode Island.


RYAN: Shit, really? What time is it?


ISAAC: It’s 3:30.


RYAN: Wow, earlier than I expected.


ISAAC: It’s show time, Donahue.


RYAN: Want to watch Weeds?


ISAAC: Go get the money from your sister.


RYAN: Are you going to come with me?


ISAAC: No. Just know that your friends and your girlfriend are down here. In the car. With me.


RYAN: Message received.


(Ryan gets out of the car. He then walks into the dormitory. Cut to Madeline and Oliver asleep in Madeline’s bad.  A knock is heard at Madeline’s door, which wake Madeline up)


MADELINE: Shit. Oliver!




MADELINE: Oliver, it’s after three and I think my brother’s here, you should go.


OLIVER: I don’t have permission to have that cat.


MADELINE: Okay, you’re not lucid, I’ll be right back. (Madeline gets out of bed as Ryan continually knocks. She throws on pajamas and then goes and opens the door while Ryan’s still knocking, causing Ryan to accidentally knock Madeline’s nose) OW! What the hell?!


RYAN: SORRY! Ooh, sorry. I knocked when there was no longer a door there.




RYAN: Anyway, my car got stolen and Isaac caught us, I told him we have the money here.


MADELINE: WHAT?! I don’t have five hundred dollars!


RYAN: I know, but Isaac’s with my friends and he wants his money!

MADELINE: Jesus…Jesus. Um…let me ask Oliver, his parents are of a certain means.


RYAN: Say you’ll repay him!


MADELINE: But I can’t!

RYAN: Just SAY it!

MADELINE: Fine! (Madeline walks over and shakes Oliver) Oliver!


(Oliver wakes up, kind of)


OLIVER: Huh? What?


MADELINE: Oliver, my brother’s here and a drug dealer is downstairs expecting him to come down with five hundred dollars. I’m going to need that amount of money.


OLIVER: Only use it for pixie sticks!


MADELINE: Will do. Where is it though?


(Oliver gets his wallet from the night stand and hands it to Madeline)


OLIVER: It’s in there.


MADELINE: Thanks. Didn’t your family lose their house in Hurricane Sandy?


OLIVER: They had gingerbread insurance.


MADELINE: Of course. (Oliver goes back to sleep and Madeline goes over to Ryan) Let’s see if he actually has five hundred dollars. (Madeline takes out five one-hundred dollar bills) Wow. Well, there you go.


RYAN: Thank God. (Madeline hands him the money and Ryan takes it) I will be right back.


MADELINE: Alright.


(Madeline closes the door and Ryan goes downstairs. As he’s walking downstairs, he flashes back to the next two scenes. First he, flashes back to Sarah taking a Mountain Dew out of her fridge while Ryan, Brennan and Michael are in her living room with their duffel bags. She takes a sip of the Mountain Dew and burps)


SARAH: Who wants to play Call of Duty?


(Ryan, Brennan and Michael simultaneously take hair straightener out of their duffel bags)


RYAN, BRENNAN AND MICHAEL: Can I use this upstairs?


RYAN: Wow, that was weird.


MICHAEL: But seriously.


SARAH: Wow, you guys are pussies.


RYAN: Oh really now?


SARAH: Yeah, I’m manlier than you guys are, which is saying a lot, because I’m not that manly.


(Then cut to Ryan and Sarah talking at the gas station in New Hampshire)


SARAH: And you’re more of a Puff brand of tissues. Soft, but not durable when used against a raw, red nose.


(Cut to Ryan and Isaac talking on the way to Rhode Island with everybody in the back asleep)


ISAAC: Women like toughness. A dictator has it in spades. A dictator also has it in kings, aces and guns firing on his own people. Trust me, if you ever want to hook up with sleepy Sarah back there, you have to show her you’re tough. All she has to do is talk her pretty mouth.


(Cut back to Ryan on the dormitory landing, frozen. He then takes out his phone and dials 911. Cut to Jacob, Ross, Logan and Roger walking back into the Donahue household, laughing)


ROGER: So what was with you and that chick Kirsten? All the tension?


JACOB: What do you mean, man? We used to date, we broke up a month and a half ago.


ROGER; Really?


JACOB: I never told you that?


ROGER: Naw, bro.


JACOB: I thought I told you when I was high once.


ROGER: (Laughs) That explains it, dawg. (They all laugh, except for Jacob who just half-smiles) Let’s go get stoned.


JACOB: Really?


LOGAN: Of course, bro.


ROGER: Yeah man, let’s keep this fun train rolling along.


JACOB: Hey Roger.


ROGER: Yeah?


JACOB: What’s my last name?


ROGER: …What?


JACOB: What is my last name?


ROGER: …What are you talking about dawg?


JACOB: I asked you a question. What is my last name?


ROGER: …It’s uh…it starts with an M I think.


JACOB: Are you fucking kidding me?


ROGER: Dude, I’m too stoned to-


JACOB: Don’t give me that, you don’t know my last fucking name. How long have I known you? Almost two months? Jesus.


ROGER Christ! That’s his last name.


JACOB: Don’t change the subject.


ROSS: Jacob, calm down.


ROGER: Yeah bro, I’m sorry I forgot your last name, I guess we were just on a first-name basis. Sorry.


JACOB: …Fine. Whatever, let’s just…smoke.


ROGER: Cool.


(Jacob, Roger, Ross and Logan walk to the back door, open it and go outside. Cut to Ryan walking towards Isaac’s car with the money in hand. Brennan, Michael and Sarah are all awake, watching. Isaac gets out)


ISAAC: Ooh, so the muse tells the truth.


RYAN: Yes. (He hands Isaac the money) There you go.


ISAAC: Thank you. So, will I find an avid customer in you in the months to come?


RYAN: I don’t think so.


ISAAC: Well…that’s fine actually; I have a lot of other customers.


(Isaac turns around to walk to the car and Ryan sees his shotgun in the back of his pants)


RYAN: Well, I hope your drugs have a creamy filling because you’re gonna go the way of HOSTESS! (Ryan grabs Isaac’s shotgun but Isaac turns around and also grabs it, creating a struggle for the shotgun while it’s pointed straight up in the air. The struggle goes in Isaac’s favor, then Ryan’s favor, then Isaac’s favor, then Ryan’s favor again, before Ryan kicks Isaac in the nuts and wrests the shotgun from him as he kneels to the ground. Ryan points the shotgun at Isaac while Michael, Brennan and Sarah watch on in amazement) Was that Hostess line any good?








RYAN: Alright. Oh, speaking of Hostess…


(The cops show up with their sirens ringing. Plus, Ryan’s car shows up and the con artists family from earlier gets out, as well as Police officers getting out of police cars with guns drawn)


POLICE OFFICER: Where’s the guy?!


RYAN: This is the guy!


POLICE OFFICER: “I want to be the guy too!” (Chuckles)


RYAN: Nice, Homestar Runner reference. Wait, why is my car and that con artists family here?


FATHER: I’m actually an undercover DEA agent. (He flashes his badge) I stole your car because I was pursuing a van full of medical pot coming from Vermont and going to Massachusetts and my car broke down. I had no idea that right there was notorious Vermont drug pusher Isaac Kurshovavaitz.


ISAAC: Ryan, how is this “speaking of Hostess”?


RYAN: SHUT IT! Anyway, arrest this dick.


DEA AGENT: Oh, I didn’t realize you were the DEA Commissioner. My bad, your eminence.


RYAN: Sorry, just…arrest him! I mean, if you feel like it.


(The DEA Agent walks over, Ryan puts the gun down and the agent puts Isaac in handcuffs)


DEA AGENT: You have the right to remain silent. As in, you have the right to SHUT THE FUCK UP!


ISAAC: That’s not what that means.


DEA AGENT: SHUT THE FUCK UP! You have the right to an attorney. If you can’t afford  one, we’ll appoint a shitty lawyer for you. Do you understand?






(He takes him away. Brennan, Michael and Sarah come out of the car and hug him. Madeline and Oliver come outside)


MADELINE: What happened?


(The hug disbands)


RYAN: I called the police.


(Isaac is about to be put in the car)




(Isaac is put in the police car)


RYAN: What puppy is he talking about?


SARAH: Michael.




RYAN: He doesn’t look that much like a puppy.


MADELINE: How did you overcome him?


RYAN: I grabbed for his shotgun (Michael pants like a puppy) Oh yeah, kind of.


(He stops panting)


MADELINE: Ryan, you could’ve gotten killed!

(Ryan shrugs)


RYAN: After Iraq and the end of the Donahue-Alexander war, I’m kind of used to it.


MADELINE: I hate that you’re right.


(The DEA Agent walks over holding five hundred dollars and a set of keys)


DEA AGENT: Sorry about earlier. Here’s the cash back and your keys.


(The Agent hands him the cash and the keys, which Ryan accepts)


RYAN: Thank you. Don’t worry about earlier. I mean, you arrested him, so.


THE DEA AGENT: Yeah. Well, you guys have a good morning, now.


RYAN: You too. (The DEA Agent walks away) This has been a crazy fucking year.


(Ryan gives Oliver his money)


MADELINE: Yeah, and there’s still a month left of it.


(Michael starts panting like a puppy again.  Cut to later that morning. Sarah wakes up on Madeline’s couch at 3PM. She then walks to the kitchen and sees Ryan on Madeline’s laptop)


RYAN: Hey, if you still think I’m not a man, guess what? I know Kansas City Chiefs player Jovan Belcher!


SARAH: What’s special about him?


RYAN: You’ll find out soon enough.


SARAH: Well, I think you wresting that shotgun from that drug dealer was somewhat manlier than knowing who Hussein Fletchler is.


RYAN: Was.


(Sarah walks over and starts making out with Ryan. They stop when Cameron walks in)


CAMERON: Hey, did something happen last night?


(Cut to Jacob, Ross, Logan and Roger gathered outside around a bong at 2AM. Jacob does a hit, and then exhales, sending the smoke into the air, which the camera follows until it disperses in the sky. Fade to black)




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