“THE MAID WITH THE BROWNISH HAIR”
“The unsung heroes in the good days become the culprits during bad days. They bear the brunt for poor results”
(We start with a close-up of a maid vacuuming the Donahue family carpet. Pan out to reveal the maid, who is an Hispanic woman in her 30s, while Jacob and Ryan sit on the couch trying to watch TV)
JACOB: Ugh. COULD YOU TURN THE VACCUUM DOWN?!
RYAN: HOW DO YOU THINK VACUUMS WORK?!
(Jacob grabs a remote and starts pressing the down volume button repeatedly)
RYAN: DUDE, WE DON’T HAVE A VACUUM REMOTE!
(The maid finishes vacuuming and unplugs the vacuum and goes into the other room as Jacob puts down the remote)
JACOB: Finally! Now I can watch Rob Dydrek’s Fantasy Factory in peace.
RYAN: Well, you watch Rob Deer Dick’s Furry Factory and I’m going to go to band practice.
JACOB: There’s no way you’re ever going to get your shit together enough and actually start that band.
RYAN: Scott and I entered into a verbal contract, which I do not intend to break.
JACOB: What if Scott intends to break it?
RYAN: Then I’ll see him in verbal court.
JACOB: Well, at least the maids will alleviate some of the stress of my life.
RYAN: The stress of YOUR life? You have two off blocks and all you do is smoke pot and masturbate each day, you’re living the life. Meanwhile, I had to run from a drug dealer over the weekend, so don’t tell me that you have stress.
JACOB: First of all, I still have to work at Toys R Us, giving directions to people who apparently can’t read signs and secondly, are you going to tell mom and dad about last weekend by the way?
RYAN: No way man, that is bad luck. Luckily, I have my lucky bracelet (points to a black “PESTICIDE SILENCE” bracelet on his wrist) to bring me all the serendipity in the world and it will aid me well when I become a famous metal singer.
(Ethan comes in with hot cocoa in hand)
ETHAN: Hey, kiddos.
JACOB: Dad, why did you hire maids?
ETHAN: Well, since I’m in New York dealing with lawyers all the time and your mother’s busy with her cute little company, I figured, you, Ryan, Rob and Logan could use some help with things around the house.
JACOB: But we’re already like a four man cleaning brigade-
RYAN: What are you doing?
JACOB: I mean, the maids are great.
(Kimberly comes in)
KIMBERLY: But they’re expensive. And with your relatively low-paying job, I just don’t know about it.
ETHAN: That job is temporary until I get a higher-paying one.
KIMBERLY: Which simply strengthens my point that we may not be able to afford these maids.
ETHAN: Just you see, they’ll save us asstons of money in Lemon Pledge expenditures.
KIMBERLY: They’re buying it themselves?
ETHAN: No, but they’re saving us time
KIMBERLY: So what you said before was a lie.
ETHAN: Get off my back, alright?
RYAN: Okay, I’m going to go to band practice.
KIMBERLY: Have fun, honey.
RYAN: Thanks, mom.
ETHAN: You know I don’t approve.
RYAN: That’s the nicest way dad could’ve responded to this, honestly. Thanks, dad!
RYAN: Yep. (He gets up) But first, I have to use the restroom.
(Ryan walks away. Cut to Delaware standing outside his house as an overweight man in plaid shorts runs on the sidewalk across the way from him. Michelle walks over)
MICHELLE: What are you doing?
DELAWARE: I’m just being inspired by this man. He’s clearly determined to lose weight, one impulsive and sporadic waddle at a time.
MICHELLE: (Giggles) So, you know what’s crazy? My friend said she met Adele-
DELAWARE: Ugh, isn’t Adele that fat British singer?
MICHELLE: She’s not fat; she’s just a little chunky.
DELAWARE: That’s like saying, this milk isn’t expired, it’s just a little chunky.
MICHELLE: What’s your point?
DELAWARE: I’m saying milk should be ashamed of itself.
MICHELLE: I don’t get it, what is your problem with fat people?
DELAWARE: I don’t know, they just…repulse me.
MICHELLE: You know Delaware, you’re very superficial.
DELAWARE: Superficial? My aunt was born with a horseshoe in her brain and I never spit in her face due to her birth defect.
MICHELLE: That’s not really an accomplishment, that’s just basic human decency, plus I don’t even think being born with a horseshoe in your brain is possible.
DELAWARE: Fine, I don’t have an aunt; both my parents were only children.
MICHELLE: So you made up a story to prove you aren’t superficial even though the story is not that convincing to begin with?
DELAWARE: I don’t see what’s wrong with disliking fat chicks. Remember homecoming? We had some fun poking fun at fat people, remember? Fun.
MICHELLE: Remember just now? When you were just making fun of that fat guy? I mean, you do it all the time, so now it just seems mean. Like, what if I got fat?
DELAWARE: You wouldn’t get fat.
MICHELLE: I know, but what if I did?
DELAWARE: Michelle, I don’t want to play the hypothetical game with you.
MICHELLE: What game?
DELAWARE: The game where you’re like “If I broke my wrist, would you still love me?” or “If I bought a beanie cap, would you still love me?”
MICHELLE: Those are both really reasonable questions, why wouldn’t you still love me if those things happened?
DELAWARE: I didn’t say I wouldn’t! It’s just that you’re freaking out about things that don’t matter! Why are you so sensitive? I wasn’t saying anything about you!
MICHELLE: I’m not overly-sensitive, I’m just wondering why you have such a-
DELAWARE: Stop yelling! Ugh, I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. I need to take a minute in my room.
(Delaware walks into his house and closes the door. Cut to Michelle in her room in her pajamas watching TV while eating Chex Mix. There are chocolate bar wrappers around her as well. There is a knock at the door. Michelle puts down the Chex Mix) Come in!
(Sarah comes in and closes the door)
SARAH: Hey, Michelle.
SARAH: I’m glad we’re hanging out now.
(Michelle walks over)
MICHELLE: Yeah, I’m over Ryan, so it’s fine.
SARAH: Right. Um…should I come back at a better time?
MICHELLE: No, you’re actually here at a perfect time for me.
SARAH: That can’t be right.
MICHELLE: Sit down. (Sarah sits on Michelle’s bed with her) Delaware and I got into a fight about how superficial he is.
SARAH: Delaware’s superficial?
MICHELLE: So you know?
SARAH: Jesus Michelle, he’s the most superficial person I’ve ever met. I heard he once broke up with a girl because she couldn’t work her home rows.
MICHELLE: Well, typing is important. I mean, I feel like I may be overreacting, but, I don’t know, it seems like this means he could break up with me at any point because of any stupid reason.
SARAH: Do you feel like you’re overreacting or does he feel like you’re overreacting?
MICHELLE: Well, I didn’t feel like I was overreacting until he…said it.
SARAH: Michelle, what’s with all the wrappers and the Chex Mix? Didn’t Ryan teach you anything about eating?
MICHELLE: Yeah, he said not to do it in front of others, which I’m not.
SARAH: He modified that position, now he just says don’t do it.
MICHELLE: He has problems.
SARAH: Say about Ryan what you will, but he’s not superficial.
MICHELLE: I’m trying to test Delaware and I’s relationship by getting a little chunky and seeing if he still wants to be with me.
SARAH: Wow. That borders on self-destructive and obsessive behavior. But it just might be genius. I think you should go through with it. If Delaware kicks you to the curb, good riddance. If he stays with you despite it all, then he’s definitely a good kid, deep down.
MICHELLE: But either of those are going to happen, how do I lose the weight afterwards?
SARAH: Be like Adele and sing it off. Of you could drink five-hour energy. That burns fat right?
MICHELLE: It does anything you want it do.
MICHELLE: Okay. I’ll try it. Thanks, Sarah.
SARAH: Yeah, don’t over-do it.
MICHELLE: I won’t. By the way, how are you and Ryan?
SARAH: We’re moving along, steadily. Ryan’s a difficult person to deal with sometimes.
MICHELLE: You’re telling me? We dated for almost four months. One time he took me to a restaurant when he was still recovering from an E high, and he ordered like, twelve glasses of water in the span of fifteen minutes.
SARAH: Yeah, that sounds like him.
MICHELLE: You think that’s funny?
SARAH: Well, no, I didn’t say that.
MICHELLE: You laughed though.
SARAH: Michelle, Ryan is quitting E. He’s in drug therapy now and he’s recovering. His drug dealer has lost a loyal customer and is now in jail.
MICHELLE: Well, that’s good. Why couldn’t I make him do that?
SARAH: I didn’t MAKE him do anything; he did it on his own with my support. He’s also taking Prozac now.
MICHELLE: Oh my god, he’s fallen victim to Fluoxetine? How much does he shoot up a day?
SARAH: Prozac’s an anti-depressant; it’s not an illicit drug.
MICHELLE: Don’t scare me like that!
MICHELLE: I always knew that Ryan could be fixed…by someone. I knew we could rebuild him.
SARAH: We have the technology!
MICHELLE: What is that a reference to?
SARAH: Million Dollar Baby I think.
(Cut to Ryan walking into the bathroom. He takes off his bracelet and places it on the counter, near the edge. He removes his genitalia from his pants and begins urinating. Cut to the other side of the wall, where the maid is vacuuming. Her vacuum bumps against the wall and this causes the wall to shake and the bracelet to fall into the trash. Ryan finishes pissing, flushes the toilet and then turns around to see the bracelet is gone)
RYAN: What the…fuck? Where’s my bracelet? (He looks around the bathroom with very cursory glances. Then he leaves the bathroom and walks into the living room where Ethan, Kimberly and Jacob are)
RYAN: Hey. What the hell?
RYAN: I went to use the bathroom, I took off my lucky bracelet to take a piss and then suddenly, I turn back and my bracelet is VOILA!
JACOB: It’s voila?
RYAN: It’s gone! It’s shazam! It’s ba-boom!
JACOB: None of these onamonapias you’re using mean that something is gone.
RYAN: What kind of THEIRF would pilfer a lucky bracelet right under my ass cheek?
JACOB: You think someone stole it?
RYAN: What else could’ve happened?
JACOB: It obviously wasn’t any of us, why would we want your sceney bracelet?
RYAN: You’re right, it wasn’t any of you. That means it HAD to be one of the maids!
JACOB: One of the maids?
RYAN: Yeah! They’re poor! They could sell the bracelet for at least a pound of crack!
JACOB: Do you really think a three dollar bracelet could buy a pound of crack? Also, are you saying that you went into the bathroom, took off your bracelet to take a piss, which nobody does by the way, and you must’ve put the bracelet pretty nearby you, right?
JACOB: So you're implying she snuck in the bathroom while you were taking a piss and in that minute long time frame somehow stole it right under your nose and snuck out of the bathroom again without you noticing!?
RYAN: Maids work in mysterious ways.
KIMBERLY: No, that’s God.
RYAN: Dad, you have to at least put cameras in that bathroom to make sure no one’s stealing anything.
ETHAN: Ryan, you’re being ridiculous. Now what time is-(Ethan looks down at his wrist to see there’s not a watch there) son of a bitch. Those damn maids stole my watch.
KIMBERLY: You haven’t even looked for it yet!
ETHAN: I’ve had it up to here!
KIMBERLY: Had it up to where?
KIMBERLY: You’re not-you’re not your using hands to indicate where you’ve had it up to.
ETHAN: I’m pissed as a frog leaping over a barrel of toads and I’m going to take action! First by taking Ryan’s suggestion and placing cameras in the bathroom to see if the maids are stealing things.
RYAN: Thank you!
JACOB: That’s a terrible idea, then you’ll just be filming all of us going to the bathroom.
ETHAN: Yeah, you’re right.
RYAN: Did not take that into consideration. Well, you three figure this out, I’m going to go to band practice without my lucky bracelet and I’ll hope for the best.
(Cut to Ryan walking into Scott’s garage to see Delaware and Scott. Scott is on drums and Delaware has guitar)
RYAN: Hey guys.
DELAWARE: Hi Ryan.
RYAN: Hello, Delaware, Scott. I’m glad we finally got this whole thing together.
SCOTT: So am I. We’re going to take this street by storm.
DELAWARE: We have at least twelve involuntary listeners on this block.
SCOTT: Especially since I’m using speakers in 1080p!
RYAN: Isn’t 1089p a screen resolution thing?
SCOTT: Fine, they’re just loud as fuck speakers.
RYAN: Well, the only problem is, my lucky bracelet went missing.
DELAWARE: What lucky bracelet?
RYAN: Well, in the last two and a half years, every good thing that’s ever happened to me has happened while I was wearing my lucky bracelet. Meeting Michelle, dating Michelle, getting blown by Michelle-
DELAWARE: Dude, could you please name some non-Michelle related good things?
RYAN: Oh, sorry. I forgot you guys were flirting together.
DELAWARE: We’re dating; we’ve been dating for almost two months!
RYAN: But yeah, so my lucky bracelet is MIA, unfortunately. I think one of my maids stole it. It’s insane, I haven’t taken it off in two years and the one time I do, this happens!
SCOTT: If you haven’t taken it off since 2010, how do you know whether the bracelet had anything to do with the luck incurred?
RYAN: Because bad things have seldom occurred! Except for depression, cutting, being kidnapped by Iraq terrorists, being put in a crazy person program at school, being almost killed three or four times, narrowly avoiding failing classes, running from drug dealers, having my girlfriend break up with me-
DELAWARE: Save the whining for the singing. Let’s get started, we don’t need your lucky bracelet.
RYAN: Fine. (Ryan goes up to the microphone) Does everyone have the sheet music?
SCOTT: Yep. Do you have the lyrics?
RYAN: They’re all up in my brain, Scott. One, two, three, four! (Scott’s drumming and Delaware’s guitar
playing begins. They are playing rather dark music and Ryan starts singing) ON THE TOP OF THE…
(The music stops)
SCOTT: So they weren’t up in your brain.
RYAN: Shut up, Scott, I just forgot for a second, let’s try it again. (The music starts again) ON THE TOP OF MY MOUNTAIN WHERE THE SHEEP ROAM THERE ARE TWO SPIKES A FALLING AND SENDING THEM HOME! SHEEPS GO TO HEAVEN AND GOATS GO TO HELL! CHEATS GO TO HEAVEN AND SCAPEGOATS GO TO JAIL! IT’S ALL THE SAME POLICY THROUGHOUT THE NATION! WE DON’T NEED AN APOLOGY,WE NEED LESS EXPLOITATION! IT’S NEVER THE TOP GUY IT’S ALWAYS THE MIDDLE! ANYONE WHO QUESTIONS THAT IS A SCHIZOID FILLING THE THERMOSTAT WITH SPITTLE!
DELAWARE: HOLD ON!
(The music stops)
RYAN: Oh my God, dude, you fucked up my hemorrhage!
DELAWARE: You mean your flow?
RYAN: No, metal doesn’t have flow, that’s rap, metal has hemorrhage. Rock has waves, classical has tides and dub step has Skillrex’s haircut.
DELAWARE: I just want to make a suggestion, which is we should change “spittle” to “metal” in that most recent line.
RYAN: Absolutely not! That line is non-negotiable!
DELAWARE: I’m sorry Ryan, who made you king?
RYAN: Who made you fuck Michelle?
SCOTT: Wow. Delaware didn’t date her until after you already broke up with her.
RYAN: Yeah, sorry.
DELAWARE: Anyway, I just think metal would sound better.
RYAN: It doesn’t even make sense. Fill the thermostat with more metal?
DELAWARE: Yeah, like, we’re protesting the heat of politics with our music, not our saliva.
RYAN: SPITTLE! Okay? Our spit is being shot out of our mouths into the heated thermostat of politics, okay? That’s great.
SCOTT: Before we resolve this issue, I’m going to introduce another issue!
RYAN: Sounds reasonable.
SCOTT: What is our name? My original idea was “Asthmatic Governor”, so should we just stick with that?
RYAN: Absolutely not, it makes no sense; our band is named after a Governor with asthma? Like, what the fuck?
SCOTT: It’s original.
DELAWARE: It’s not original in a good way though. How about something darker, like “The Holocaust Killed 12 Million people” or something.
RYAN: Wow, way too dark.
SCOTT: How about “Philanthropists with Parkinson’s”?
RYAN: Are you just attaching diseases to professions?
SCOTT: “Depressed Valet”?
RYAN: How about this? “God of Man, not of Stan”.
DELAWARE: “Starving Children”.
SCOTT: “Cancerous Accountant”.
RYAN: “Deaf Martyr”.
DELAWARE: “Aborted Fetus Juice”.
SCOTT: “Manic Landlord”.
RYAN: “Chip on my Soldier”.
(Cut to Oliver in Madeline’s apartment on her laptop. He’s on Facebook. A knock is heard at the door. Oliver gets up and opens it to see Kyle, whose smile immediately turns into a scowl)
KYLE: Oh. Hi Oliver.
OLIVER: Hey Kyle. What’s up?
KYLE: I was here to see if Madeline was home, but I guess I’ll just come back the next time the Patriots win the Super Bowl.
OLIVER: They win Super Bowls pretty often actually, but don’t worry about it, she’ll be back from the grocery store soon. Come in.
KYLE: Oh. Okay. (Kyle comes in and Oliver closes the door and gets back on Facebook) Facebook, huh?
OLIVER: Yeah. I was just going through my friends list, and I realized that I hate half of the people on it.
(Kyle laughs as Madeline comes in holding groceries)
MADELINE: Oh. Hey Kyle, Oliver. What are you guys doing?
OLIVER: Just hanging out. We were just talking about how I hate half of the people on my Facebook friend list.
(Madeline puts the groceries on the counter)
MADELINE: (Laughs) That’s so true.
KYLE: I almost wish I could have a frenemies list on Facebook.
OLIVER: Yeah, that’d be great. You could know who’s going to screw you over.
KYLE: Right. Wait…right!
(Oliver spins around)
(They start nodding their heads and smiling)
MADELINE: Wow, don’t start nodding your heads and smiling like that’s a good idea.
KYLE: It is a good idea! It could be like a combination of Facebook, Match and Kickstarter, except you would have frenemies instead of friends and you wouldn’t date the people on there, you would kick start business or projects with them!
MADELINE: So then not really like Match of Facebook at all, right? Also, why would you start businesses with your frenemies?
OLIVER: Madeline, some of the most successful companies on the Universe-
MADELINE: ON the universe?
OLIVER: Yes, have started with two assholes that ended up screwing each other over. Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak, Mark Zuckerberg, Eduardo Saverin and Sean Parker. By making this website, we could make twenty Apples and thirty Facebooks a day, we could save the U.S. economy.
MADLEINE: That’s really ambitious considering we’re about to head off a fiscal cliff and you came up with this idea literally a minute ago.
KYLE: We could call it a social backstabbing site!
MADELINE: I guess I can’t derail this train.
(Oliver and Kyle walk up to each other)
KYLE: What are we going to call this?
KYLE: That is amazing.
OLIVER: It is. I’m in!
(They shake each other’s hands)
MADELINE: Do you guys know how to make a website?
(Kyle and Oliver turn to Madeline)
KYLE: I know how to make money, because I’m a-
OLIVER: (Same time as Kyle) Jew.
KYLE: (Same time as Oliver) Business major. (Not at the same time now) What’d you say?
OLIVER: Business Jew.
MADELINE: Nice save.
OLIVER: The point is, I can advertise for the site because I’m experienced advertising for candidates and stuff.
MADELINE: Right, but neither of you seems to have any experience designing and managing websites.
OLIVER: Ugh…she’s right.
(Oliver gets back on his computer)
OLIVER: Damnit…you know, if we’re able to somehow make this website, here’s one thing we need to get rid of. Those annoying “friend suggestions” on Facebook. I don’t know any of these people they’re suggesting that I friend. Who’s Brandon Nehring?
MADELINE: Um, I think he’s your girlfriend’s brother’s girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend.
OLIVER: What a stretch. Let’s look at this guy. (Oliver goes onto his page, which is super-creatively designed with Lord of the Rings, Hobbit and Spaceballs stuff) My God, this is intricate.
(Kyle leans over)
KYLE: Shit. This kid knows how to design a Facebook page.
MADELINE: I can already tell where this is going, which is amazing, because this idea is still a sperm rushing towards an egg.
(Oliver and Kyle turn around)
OLIVER: We went to a website of his and he is an expert web designer, so we’re going to bring him into the Duplicit project. ASAP!
MADELINE: That escalated faster than I expected.
(Suddenly, Oliver and Kyle are talking to Brandon on webcam)
BRANDON: Hey guys!
OLIVER: Hi Brandon!
(Cut to Ethan talking to the maids in the living room. They are all seated. Kimberly is sitting nearby)
ETHAN: Alright, maids.
KIMBERLY: Don’t call them just maids.
ETHAN: I didn’t call them just maids, because they’re unjust maids. We have reason to believe-
KIMBERLY: Incredibly thin reason to believe.
ETHAN: That you are stealing from us. My son’s bracelet went missing and my watch went missing. Now, anybody who can rat our one of their fellow maids on this crime gets-(he walks over to the counter and picks up a diamond ring) this diamond ring made of real gold that my grandmother gave to me when I was eight, it’s worth approximately 12,000 pesos.
KIMBERLY: Wow, so many to pick up on here, first of all, if that ring was just laying around, there’s no way that they stole anything from us if they didn’t steal that ring by now, secondly, how is it a diamond ring if it’s made out of “real gold” and thirdly, why pesos instead of dollars? These women both live in America.
ETHAN: I thought when Mexican people had American money it was considered pesos.
KIMBERLY: Oh my God. We are not giving away that ring for anything!
ETHAN: Fine. Sorry, maids.
(He puts it away)
MAID: Sir, we no steal anything.
ETHAN: I hope you’re right, chica. Because if you did, I’m going to report you to the INS.
MAID: Sir, the INS has no existed since 2003, it responsibilities now lay with three new entities – U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement and U.S. Customs and Border Protection – within the newly created Department of Homeland Security, as part of a major government reorganization following the September 11 attacks of 2001.
ETHAN: How-how do you know that?
MAID: I was born in Connecticut! My parents were born in Cancun! “I no” speak like a maid with broken English!
KIMBERLY: Then why did you speak like that before?
MAID: Because I like to overhear conversations, Senor. Me gusta!
MAID 2: The point is, we didn’t steal anything from you.
KIMBERLY: Okay, great, case dismissed.
ETHAN: Then where’s my goddamn watch?
(Cut t Ryan, Scott and Delaware walk in to the house, arguing)
RYAN: There’s no way we’re hiring someone to play a washboard!
SCOTT: You’re so brainwashed by the guitar-drums-singer complex, Ryan!
DELAWARE: We need sexy vampire back-up dancers!
RYAN: No, we’ll become like Black Veil Brides faster than Black Veil Brides became Black Veil Brides. (Ryan, Scott and Delaware stop in their tracks when they walk into the living room) Oh. Hey mom, dad.
RYAN: We’re trying to come up with a name for our band and we decided to get inspiration from staring at the ceiling for six hours in my room.
KIMBERLY: I’m not sure how to respond to that.
RYAN: Did the maids do it by the way?
(Ethan takes out a ring)
ETHAN: The ring is back as a prize!
KIMBERLY: Are you shitting me?
MAID 2: Cecelia did it, Mr. Donahue!
CECELIA: Mary, what are you doing?!
MARY: I’m turning you in!
KIMBERLY: She’s obviously lying, Ethan!
ETHAN: Until I find evidence indicating otherwise, I’m inclined to believe Mary.
KIMBERLY: Are you kidding me? Don’t give her that ring!
ETHAN: Cecelia, you are fired.
CECELIA: …Are you fucking kidding me? I didn’t do ANYTHING! You know what?! Here’s something. Ethan, how many times have I picked up your office for you?
ETHAN: I don’t know, once or twice?
CECELIA: And you never thought I’d happen upon that screenplay about a high-powered lawyer who builds a Noah’s Ark carrying two of every type of legal pad?
KIMBERLY: Wow, bad premise.
ETHAN: C’mon, it’s like Evan Almighty meets the Lincoln Lawyer!
DELAWARE: Evan Lawyer? Lincoln Almighty? Are these viable band names?
RYAN: I want to know who stole my bracelet, dad. We’ve had no luck coming up with a band name due to its absence.
ETHAN: Well, Cecelia did it, so…case solved.
CECELIA: ALL OF YOU GUYS ARE JERKS!
(Cecelia runs out of the house)
MARY: She can get emotional, sorry.
ETHAN: Yeah. Anyway, problem solved. Get back to work.
(Mary gets up and leaves the room)
RYAN: Great, let’s go get inspired.
(Ryan, Scott and Delaware go upstairs. Cut to them staring at the ceiling together while on the ground)
SCOTT: Ceiling the deal?
DELAWARE: (Singing) I’ve got a ceiling…that tonight’s going to be a drywall…
RYAN: Okay, it turns out this only helps us come up with ceiling-related names.
SCOTT: Damnit, we have our first show this coming Sunday.
RYAN: Wait, show?
SCOTT: Yeah, we’re playing my garage and we’re saying it’s a benefit concert for Hurricane Sandy relief.
RYAN: So what are we really going to be using the money for?
SCOTT: We’re really going to use it for Hurricane Sandy relief!
RYAN: Oh. Of course, that’s what’s important, right?
SCOTT: Could you say that a little less enthusisastically?
RYAN: I WANT MONEY!
DELAWARE: We’ll get money eventually.
RYAN: Not if we host a bunch of benefit concerts!
SCOTT: We have to get our names out there!
DELAWARE: Then why don’t we advertise?
RYAN: That’s a good idea. Like, where?
DELAWARE: I don’t know, buses…that’s all I got.
SCOTT: No, we need to advertise in the digital age. Maybe we could advertise on Facebook.
RYAN: We can’t afford that. We need to advertise on some nascent social networking site’s web page. Something with a stick figure shoveling dirt on it. (He gets a text and looks at his phone) Hold on, my sister just texted me.
(Cut to Ryan, Scott and Delaware speaking with Kyle and Oliver over webcam)
RYAN: Kyle, Oliver, Madeline told us about your fledgling website.
KYLE: Ah yes, Duplicit. It’s a pretty good idea, huh?
SCOTT: Well, honestly, I think it’s far too reminiscent of Kickstarter and-
DELAWARE: Ignore Scott’s hipster pretension; we think it’s a great idea.
OLIVER: Well, we look forward to advertising for you. We’ll put you in touch with Brandon Nehring, who manages the website over in Hansbay.
RYAN: How old is this idea?
KYLE: From the moment I had my “aha” moment…(He looks at his watch)…it’s been seven minutes…
RYAN: Wow. Well, when can you have a website designed and on the online?
OLIVER: Brandon said we could have it up by Friday the seventh, around the afternoon.
RYAN: Okay. That’ll give the weekend for kids to discover it and the following week is for sixty year olds on CNN to pretend they think it’s really “neat”. Soon enough, people know who Bleeding Kernel is.
SCOTT: That’s not the name!
DELAWARE: Absolutely not!
(Cut to Sunday in Ryan’s garage. Ryan, Scott and Delaware are standing in front of the drums, guitar and the microphone)
SCOTT: Okay, let’s open the garage and see the potentially billions of people who showed up!
RYAN: Are you intentionally setting us up for disappointment?
(Delaware opens the garage with the click of a button. The garage opens up to reveal Michelle, Sarah, Oliver, Brandon, Kyle and Madeline. Michelle has clearly gained some weight in the last couple of days)
MICHELLE: Hey guys.
DELAWARE: AH! Hey, wow, hi, Michelle.
RYAN: Michelle…you look, good.
MICHELLE: Do I?
RYAN: You do…
(Cut to Sarah, who is smiling a devilish grin)
MICHELLE: Well, can we all come in?
DELAWARE: Yeah…if you can…
SCOTT: (Whispering) Don’t say “if you can fit”. Just don’t.
DELAWARE: Good advice.
RYAN: (Whispering) Say it, she might think it’s funny.
DELAWARE: (Whispering) Fuck you.
(Michelle and the rest walk in)
SCOTT: Remember, all proceeds go to Hurricane Sandy relief.
RYAN: Thirty percent of all proceeds he means.
SCOTT: No, I don’t mean that. Five bucks, please.
(They all hand Scott five bucks and Scott puts the cash in a jar, which he then seals and places on a table as people take their seats. Then, Oliver, Kyle and Brandon head up to where the band is to talk)
OLIVER: Hey everybody! We’re the founders of the latest new thing in social networking, Duplicit! We are sponsoring this event, in that we have entered into an agreement with this band, what’s the name again, guys?
OLIVER: Okay, those are three different answers, one was right off the top of your head, one was already a band and the third one was just offensive.
RYAN: We’re still TBD on the whole band name thing.
OLIVER: Alright, but yes, we’ve entered into an agreement that we will advertise their band on our website as long as they promote our website. It’s a symbiotic relationship. Now, go to Duplicit and partner with your frenemies for a Darwinian race to greedy power and money, it’s like Kickstarter for assholes!
SCOTT: Isn’t Kickstarter the Kickstarter for assholes?
OLIVER: Yes, but it combines the inanity of Twitter, the depravity of 4Chan, the opportunism of Kickstarter and the superficiality of Facebook into a fetid stew we call “Social backstabbing” where you get to make as many frenemies as you can. The posts can only be fifty characters, unless you want to post a crudely drawn picture. Plus, we don’t frown upon blatantly racist images, as long as they don’t make fun of Jews, because of ol’ Jewy Jewbag over here.
KYLE: Come on.
OLIVER: Okay, thanks everybody!
(They go and sit back down as Ryan approaches the microphone)
RYAN: Thank you, guys. This first song is called “He Was Caved In”.
(They start playing. Cut to Kyle and Oliver standing in the corner of the garage while Ryan’s band plays)
KYLE: So, we’re splitting the profits from Duplicit three ways, right?
OLIVER: Yep. We all get 33.333333333333-
KYLE: I get it. Are you sure that’s fair though?
OLIVER: Uh, yeah. Do you want more?
KYLE: No, quite the opposite actually. I think you should have more.
OLIVER: What? Why?
KYLE: You know, you made the initial observations that lead to the idea and you’ve done a commendable job expanding awareness, so.
OLIVER: Well, that’s very selfless of you.
KYLE: Don’t mention it. How about we go 37-33-30?
OLIVER: That sounds good. Thanks.
KYLE: No problem. (Cut to Kyle and Madeline talking on the other side of the garage) I can’t believe Oliver.
MADELINE: Why? What happened?
KYLE: He’s demanding that he get 37% of the profits while I get 33% and Brandon gets 30%. He insisted upon it. It’s kind of greedy if you ask me. No offense or anything.
MADELINE: None taken, that does seem a little unfair. I’ll talk to him about it.
KYLE: I wouldn’t, he told me not to tell you.
MADELINE: He did?!
MADELINE: Well, if he’s going to keep things from me, then that’s FINE, I don’t even want to know his secrets!
KYLE: Yeah you don’t. Do you want to know mine?
(Cut to Ryan finishing up a song)
RYAN: CORDUROY SOWED-ON EYES!!!!!! (The song finishes, leading to applause) Thank you! Thank you! We’re going to take a brief break if that’s okay with everybody.
(Cut to Ryan, Scott and Delaware talking in the laundry room behind the garage)
RYAN: Okay guys, our lack of a name is killing us out there. We have to come up with one RIGHT now! Just whatever comes off the top of our heads next is what we’re going with!
SCOTT: Inflatable boardroom!
RYAN: Okay, not that.
SCOTT: You said the next thing that comes off the top of our heads!
RYAN: I meant MY head. How about...dead cranberries? No, that’s not good.
SCOTT: So you’re still lying then.
RYAN: The next good thing that comes off the top of my head is what we’re going with! How about Dusty Crumbs?
DELAWARE: This is going nowhere.
RYAN: Whose fault do you think that is?! You’re the one who kept gumming up our gears with overly-gloomy names like “The Holocaust Killed Twelve Million People” and stuff like that.
DELAWARE: Oh, so this is MY fault? Because I think it’s YOUR fault considering you refused to even entertain any of my ideas.
RYAN: Scott, you’re the swing vote here, whose fault is it?
SCOTT: Why does it matter?! Let’s come up with a name.
RYAN: …Depraved Hallway Fern.
SCOTT: Bingo! Okay, we’re in business.
RYAN: Yeah, it combines the need for darkness I expressed, the weird randomness you wanted and the thing that Delaware wanted all in one!
DELAWARE: It had nothing I wanted!
RYAN: Well, neither does Michelle, bro. She’s gained some pounds, you should break up with her, ASAP.
DELAWARE: Why do you want me to break up with her so badly?
RYAN: I-I-I-I don’t care what you do, I’m just saying, she’s bigger now.
DELAWARE: Well, it is pretty gross. But I think if I shame her enough she’ll come around.
(Ryan pinches his face)
RYAN: …(Whispering) If I shall die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
SCOTT: What’s that?
(Ryan stops pinching his face)
RYAN: Nothing, let’s go. (They walk back into the garage) We have now officially come up with a band name. We are DEPRAVED HALLWAY FERN! (Silence) Fuck. (He looks over to see the Hurricane Sandy jar is now gone) Awesome, where is the Hurricane Sandy jar?
SARAH: It was pilfered! Who would do such a thing?!
RYAN: I don’t know, who stole my bracelet or my dad’s watch? Maybe we fired the wrong maid.
(Michelle walks over behind the table where the jar is supposed to be and she suddenly falls feet first into a hole that was covered by a carpet, but she gets stuck)
MICHELLE: AHH! What the fuck?!
(Delaware and Ryan come over)
DELAWARE: What happened?!
MICHELLE: I fell into a hole!
SOMEONE’S VOICE: I’M DOWN HERE!
MICHELLE: I think my foot is on someone’s head.
DELAWARE: Can we pull you out?
MICHELLE: What the FUCK’S that supposed to mean?!
DELAWARE: I mean, may we pull you out?
MICHELLE: No, I’d rather just hang out here-YES, PULL ME THE FUCK OUT!
(Delaware and Ryan get both her arms and pull her out and set her aside. They then look down the hole to see Rob with Ethan’s watch and Ryan’s bracelet on, as well as the Hurricane Sandy money)
ROB: (Nervous) Hey guys!
RYAN: Dude, you stole my bracelet?!
(Cut to Ryan’s bracelet on the edge of the counter. The wall shakes and it drops into the trash. Then, Rob’s hand comes out of the trash and grabs the bracelet. He then pulls it down into the hole, where he is. Cut to Ethan in the kitchen with a cup of coffee in front of him. He takes off his watch, but accidentally drops it into the coffee. Disgusted, he takes out the watch and sets it on the island to dry. He then walks out of the kitchen. Suddenly, a slab of tile slides open, revealing Rob, who then reaches up, grabs the keys and then goes back down into the floor0
ROB: There’s a complicated system of tunnels running under this house which are pretty neat.
RYAN: Fine, but why would you steal these things?
ROB: Oh, um, Mr. L paid me.
RYAN: Mr. L? Oh, you mean-
RYAN: Right. Fuck.
(Cecelia comes over)
CECELIA: Wow, what a surprise. I didn’t steal those things!
RYAN: Mrs. Maidsworth, I’m sure I could talk to my dad and we could sort this whole thing out in an afternoon-
CECELIA: Mrs. Maidsworth? You think you can just unscrew my cap, tilt me over and Pledge will come out? I’m a human being and my name is Cecelia! And I am NEVER working for you guys again! Fucking Irish.
SCOTT: C’mon, I was on your side until you turned it into a prejudice issue!
RYAN: Um…we’re sticking with Depraved Hallway Fern whether you guys like it or not. (The audience indicates their mild regard for it) Great.
OLIVER: Just remember to check out Duplicit! Right Madeline? (Madeline stays silent, clearly angry) Oh no. Not this. Not now.
KYLE: Look’s like someone’s in the dog house!
(He starts making dog noises)
DELAWARE: Shut up!
MICHELLE: YOU DON’T THINK I’M PRETTY!
DELAWARE: Oh God. Of course I think you’re pretty, it’s just…
MICHELLE: (Crying) IT’S JUST WHAT?!
DELAWARE: Nothing, it’s not just anything. Just lose some…
MICHELLE: LOSE SOME WHAT?!
RYAN: Not better.
MICHELLE: FUCK YOU, DELAWARE! I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME IF I GOT FAT!
DELAWARE: I like you! I do! I just would prefer to like less of you.
(Michelle keeps crying)
SARAH: Well this has been fun. But we should go, right Ryan?
RYAN: We should make sure Michelle is okay.
MICHELLE: SARAH ENCOURAGED ME TO DO THIS!
(They all gasp)
SARAH: I did not!
MICHELLE: YOU TOLD ME IT WAS A GENIUS PLAN TO TEST THE METTLE OF DELAWARE AND I’S RELATIONSHIP!
DELAWARE: WHAT THE FUCK SARAH?!
MICHELLE: SHUT UP, I’M STILL PISSED AT YOU!
SARAH: Sorry, okay? I meant well. Plus, it was your idea.
MICHELLE: Yeah, but…I didn’t think I’d go through with it. But then I went through an entire bucket of gravy- fried fried gravy on chicken-fried beef.
DELAWARE: Dear Lord.
(Michelle storms off. Pan to reveal that most everybody left except Oliver, Kyle, Brandon, Madeline, Sarah, Ryan, Scott and Delaware. Rob comes out of the hole, puts down the jar, gives Ryan his bracelet and Ethan’s watch and then leaves the garage)
DELAWARE: …The failure of this concert is your fucking fault, or it’s free! BYE!
(Delaware and Scott leave)
SARAH: Let’s go.
(Sarah and Ryan leave)
OLIVER: Well…at least we don’t have any crazy drama in our little enterprise, right guys?
(Fade to black)
© Copyright 2016 NEONETWORK. All rights reserved.
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
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