“Fiscal obliteration resounds inside of thee. Transubstantiation, your wealth relies on me...thanks for the thanks, but no thanks. Gratitude should be sincere”
(We start with Troy sitting behind a desk in a room with a gavel and Alex, Ted and Mr. Daniels siting in seats in front of him. He bangs the gavel)
TROY: This meeting of the Chittenden County Drug Pushers Association will come to order. As you guys know, a week and a half ago Isaac, our leader was arrested for drug dealing charges. Since he does it across state lines, he got arrested by the big boys upstairs.
TROY: I said big boys.
TED: God and his angels then?
TROY: The Drug Enforcement Administration, Theodore. In his absence, I am considered ring leader pro tempore of this group. Any questions?
ALEX: Yes. What is my fate now that Isaac has been arrested?
TROY: Well Alex, we admitted you into this association to bring peace to the rivalry that existed between Isaac and you, but you’re still fine. Speaking of Isaac, in honor of him and in honor of the second day of Hanukkah, I will light a second joint on our weed menorah. (Troy takes out a menorah with eight joints in it, with one already lit, and he lights the second one) Now, let’s use the ceremonial rolling paper. (Troy takes out an ancient copy of the torah and rolls it out, then places an inordinate amount of weed in the middle) Now, we shall hum songs of the Jews as we smoke the-
MR. DANIELS: I’m pretty sure this is sacrilegious.
TED: Troy, there’s an issue I’d like to bring up.
TROY: Yes better off Ted?
TED: Wow, bad, anyway, we recently lost a major customer named Ryan Donahue and if we don’t ramp up business in other areas, we could take a big hit.
TROY: Don’t just say what our problems are, let’s have SOLUTIONS!
TED; I was just getting to that, I think the best course of action is to take a major customer like Jacob and get him hooked on something that’ll keep him coming back for more. Even better than weed.
ALEX: Jacob’s my customer, I know him and he wouldn’t go beyond weed.
TED: Oh, he would. If he didn’t realize he was going beyond weed. I’m suggesting we sprinkle a little coke in Jacob’s weed. He’ll enjoy it and keep coming back for more as we get him hooked on the stuff. Suddenly, the money flows in. Plus, his little friend Ross recently became a stoner, so, the more hooked, the merrier.
TROY: I like the initiative, Ted! Keep that kind of thinking up and you’ll be employee of the month!
ALEX: We have an employee of the month program?
TROY: Yeah, in November it was Sharon from accounting.
ALEX: Okay, well, I just don’t feel comfortable getting Jacob and Ross addicted to coke, I-
TROY: Then get the fuck out. And if you tell Jacob or Ross about our plans, we’ll light you on fire.
ALEX: …Fine. I’ll take my business elsewhere.
(Alex gets up and leaves. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly pouring over their finances on their laptops in their dining room. They are wearing glasses and sun visors)
ETHAN: Ugh, maybe it’s a good thing Cecelia quit.
KIMBERLY: Doesn’t Mary still work for us?
ETHAN: Yeah, but that’s because Vermont isn’t a right-to-work state! We should follow Michigan’s example so we can get rid of the greedy union thugs and their incessant demands for compensation and healthcare and less than 120 hours a week-
KIMBERLY: Are you done? Our maids aren’t unionized.
ETHAN: All I’m saying is that unions are like the mafia, and Michigan gave them an offer they couldn’t refuse.
KIMBERLY: They DID refuse it. They stormed the state capitol and punched a FOX News reporter when it was passed.
ETHAN: (Mock Italian accent) “Hey, I’m Jimmy Hoffa and you gonna be swimmin’ with the fishes!”
KIMBERLY: Okay, you’ve stopped listening to me, our maid isn’t part of a union.
ETHAN: Not anymore she isn’t. MARY, YOU’RE FIRED!
KIMBERLY: She never was, also, she’s not here, she only comes on Thursdays.
ETHAN: In that case, MARY, GET ME A COFFEE!
KIMBERLY: How is that-ugh, never mind, anyway, we have to figure out our expenses here.
ETHAN: Well, we’ve done the first step. We’re wearing glasses, looking at laptops while wearing sun visors. I’m not sure where we go from here.
KIMBERLY: Why don’t we examine our income? Alright? Our only source of income is derived from your Coast Guard job.
KIMBERLY: And in that capacity you make 16,000 dollars a year.
KIMBERLY: Fuck. Ethan, it costs us 25,300 dollars to take care of Ryan and Jacob this year alone! Not to mention Madeline in college and the crazy kid living in Ryan’s closet!
ETHAN: PLUS ROB!
KIMBERLY: Yeah…all of that adds up to…carry the two…carry the one…carry the John Kerry…
ETHAN: How many things are you carrying?
KIMBERLY: 152,793 dollars! That leaves us with a deficit of 136,793 dollars, Ethan! We need to tighten our belts like we’re David Carradine.
ETHAN: Wow, dark joke.
KIMBERLY: Any expenses we can just get rid of?
ETHAN: How about dog food for Chinaberry?
(Pan to Chinaberry sitting there panting, looking happy)
KIMBERLY: You know, the reactions of dogs to negative comments said about them in commercials is way different in reality.
ETHAN: Yeah, usually they’d act cutely concerned.
KIMBERLY: I guess they just don’t speak English. Chinaberry, we’re going to set you and your entire family on fire.
(Chinaberry just stands there, smiling)
ETHAN: Nope, just a pig-in-shit smile.
KIMBERLY: Well, we’ve got to figure this shit out. First of all, you need to get a new job.
ETHAN: I think that’s best.
KIMBERLY: Yeah. Any leads?
ETHAN: Like, on a new job?
ETHAN: You mean since you suggested I get a new job ten seconds ago?
KIMBERLY: Yeah, we gotta get movin’ here, Donahue!
ETHAN: I’ll look for one.
KIMBERLY: Good. Next order of business, what to do with Logan?
ETHAN: We can arrange for his escape after the trial. Until then, we have to put him up. It’s a bullshit situation, but if you break it, you buy it.
KIMBERLY: We broke Logan?
ETHAN: We’re broke with Logan.
KIMBERLY: What about the fact that our expenses exceed our income?
ETHAN: Well that can be remedied by Obama’s debt ceiling tax and spend policies-
KIMBERLY: Don’t turn this into a political argument just because the Government spends more than it takes in please, that’s irrelevant.
ETHAN: I don’t know how to do anything else!
KIMBERLY: Well, we don’t have a China to borrow money from, okay? We need to make savings in key departments. First off, we’ll cut spending on luxuries. Going out to dinner, staying in for dinner, going out to movies, we’ll sever the payments we make to all those random TV websites that our kids use.
ETHAN: I think there’s like twelve of them.
KIMBERLY: We’ll use less water, we’ll refrain from heating the house too much.
ETHAN: It’s forty degrees outside!
KIMBERLY: Fine, we’ll use air conditioning less.
ETHAN: That doesn’t solve the problem.
KIMBERLY: Fine! Just gather around the fireplace and do all your business there. You have to work on the laptop? Fireplace. Need to half-heartedly comfort a crying Ryan? Fireplace. Need to work on your lay-ups? Fireplace.
ETHAN: We can’t live around the fireplace, Kimmy.
KIMBERLY: We can if it means we don’t have to sell Jacob’s bike for parts.
ETHAN: Why don’t we do that?
KIMBERLY: Because I threw it in the fireplace!
KIMBERLY: NEXT ISSUE! Tissues.
(Kimberly takes out a box of tissues with a used one jammed in it)
KIMBERLY: Who put the tissue BACK in the tissue box?
ETHAN: How is that relevant to finances?
KIMBERLY: It’s gross! Plus we can’t reuse tissues.
ETHAN: Theoretically speaking, it would help our finances if we reused tissues.
KIMBERLY: Wow, did you convert to Judaism?
ETHAN: You’re the one who said we need to cut down on staying in for dinner!
KIMBERLY: Next issue. (Kimberly puts the tissue box away) Christmas. It’s fast approaching. Only fifteen more days. How’s shopping been?
ETHAN: Well, Ryan said he wants the stuff that lines the walls of recording studios so his band can record songs.
KIMBERLY: So he wants Styrofoam?
ETHAN: Are you sure it’s Styrofoam? I thought they used bubble wrap.
KIMBERLY: Bubble wrap’s cheaper, I say hell yes.
ETHAN: Would that work though?
KIMBERLY: Okay, Senator McConnell, filibustering your own idea, don’t you realize that we need to make savings here? This is a terrible time of year to have financial problems; we need to get the cheapest things possible. Now, what does Jacob want?
ETHAN: I think he wants Katniss Everdeen and the Prisoner of Forks, Washington.
KIMBERLY: It’s too bad there’s such a dearth of retarded mainstream literature right now. We’ll get him something though.
ETHAN: He also mentioned he wants a gun.
KIMBERLY: …Excuse me?
(Cut to Jacob at an indoor shooting range holding a gun while wearing goggles and ear muffs, shooting at targets while General DePinto stands behind him. Jacob shoots a cardboard cut-out of a young Paul McCartney, then he shoots a cardboard cut-out of James Brady and then cardboard cut-outs of Bob Costas and Tim McIlrath from Rise Against. He then takes off his ear muffs and puts the gun down)
GENERAL DEPINTO: Good job, kid. You got gun moxy.
JACOB: Thanks. Why did they happen to have all these cardboard cut-outs here by the way?
GENERAL DEPINTO: You kiddin’ me? They have a cardboard cut-out of every public figure whose ever said anything bad about guns. Especially those trigger unhappy scoundrels Bob Costas, Rise Against and James Brady.
JACOB: Yeah, why does James Brady have a chip on his shoulder about guns?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Actually, the chip’s on his primary motor cortex, but still, he should stick to improv.
JACOB: You’re thinking of Wayne Brady, why the Paul McCartney cut-out?
GENERAL DEPINTO: That’s because he’s a hippie and I don’t like him.
JACOB: Oh okay.
GENERAL DEPINTO: So Jacob, what do you want to do now?
JACOB: Oh, well, um, actually, I was going to hang out with some friends and then go home.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Oh. Well okay, that’s fine, uh, have fun.
JACOB: Thanks, I will. See you later, Noah.
(Jacob shakes Noah’s hand and then walks out of the shooting range. Cut to Troy and Ted in the meeting room)
TROY: Okay, I’ve received Intel that suggests Ross and Jacob will be weeding up tonight. It’s your job to tip off Ross about where to get the coke-laced weed. Meanwhile, I will deliver this-(Pan to a table with a gram of weed on it) gram of weed to Ross and Jacob. Pretty soon they’ll be lining up outside the iCoke store every time a new tablet’s released, so they can then snort coke off of it.
(Alex walks in)
TROY: The fuck are you doing here?
ALEX: I just forgot my backpack, sorry.
TROY: Yeah, be sorry. Leaving shit is for messy dealers.
(Alex grabs his book bag and leaves as the camera pans back over to Troy and Ted)
TROY: So Ted, remember our chant!
TED AND TROY: Isaac’s out and now we’re in! Selling drugs to a thousand men! Hook them until they die and we hook their next of kin! No remorse, we’re businessmen!
(They high-five and run out of the room. Cut to Ross driving his car with Jacob in the passenger seat)
JACOB: Okay, I received tips upon tips of an avid dealer in this WAL-MART parking lot.
ROSS: Hopefully he has low, low everyday prices.
(Ross parks the car and the two get out of the car and close the doors behind them and they stand in the middle of the parking lot)
ROSS: Where is this guy?
JACOB: Let me try something. (Singing) Like a good neighbor, my dealer is there!
ROSS: Okay, I’m in charge of commercial jokes. Got milk?
JACOB: Isn’t it weird that those people in the State Farm commercials always ask for things that have nothing to do with insurance-(Pan to reveal Troy standing there) AH! Hi. Are you Troy?
TROY: What’s it to you?
ROSS: You’re standing in front of us, staring at us.
TROY: Yeah I’m Troy, what of it?
JACOB: We need some grass, nigga!
TROY: Alright, let’s exchange this illegal substance in the least obvious way possible.
(Troy and Jacob slap their hands together and do a bro hug, exchanging the gram through their hands. They then leave the bro hug and Jacob has the weed)
JACOB: That practice is impenetrable.
ROSS: I didn’t notice anything.
TROY: Alright, you two enjoy yourselves. If you ever need more shit, call my number.
ROSS: Alright. See you guys!
JACOB: There’s only one guy.
(Ross and Jacob walk away, as does Troy. Cut to Rob getting in his car listening to his iPod)
ROB: (Singing) For the neighbors and their kids. We can rip apart those socialists and all their damn taxes! (Stops singing) HA! Take that liberal controlled music industry! I love Passion Pit. I guess. (He puts the key in the ignition, but the car doesn’t start) What the hell? (He tries again. Cut to Kimberly and Ethan in Ryan’s room, taking inventory on everything. Ethan is on his knees in the closet while Kimberly stands behind him with a clipboard, pen and glasses. Ethan pulls out a pile of old hair straighteners)
ETHAN: Here, we seem to have a pile of overheated hair straighteners. A lot of them are still warm, how is that even possible?
KIMBERLY: Sell them all.
(Ethan puts them in a pile. Ethan pulls out a severely burned pink journal)
ETHAN: We have a severely burned pink journal labeled “Ryan Donahue Dream Journal Winter 2009”
KIMBERLY: We’ll let him burn the rest of it when he gets home from school.
(Ethan puts in the same pile as the hair straighteners. Rob comes in)
ROB: Hey, I have an appointment to go to, but my car isn’t starting even though I filled it up yesterday. I need my car for a job interview in the morning, can I take your car to the appointment and can you take my car to the repair shop so I can have it in the morning?
KIMBERLY: No, but Ethan can.
ROB: For really truly?
ETHAN: (Sigh) Fine.
ROB: Okay, just be sure to take it in right now and I’ll be going. Kimmy?
(Kimberly throws Rob the keys)
ROB: Alright, bye!
ETHAN: You’re welcome…
KIMBERLY: He’ll say thank you after you do it, that’s just how he is.
ETHAN: Fine. In the meantime you can read the hilarious dreams that Ryan abandoned in his dream journal.
KIMBERLY: Please don’t call our son’s dreams “hilarious”.
ETHAN: They should be published in a joke book!
(Cut to Ethan at the car repair place talking to a homely lesbian auto mechanic)
LESBIAN AUTO MECHANIC: The battery cables appear to be loose, so we’re going to have to fix that right up.
ETHAN: Yeah, you’re probably just making all those terms up to rob me of my cash money! I see right through your good looks (She displays a confused countenance) and charm to see you’re really trying to screw me over!
LESBIAN AUTO MECHANIC: You think “battery cables” is something I made up?
ETHAN: I’ll pay whatever you want, just give me the bill.
LESBIAN AUTO MECHANIC: Fine. I’ll prepare the invoice. Wait, if the car wasn’t starting, how did you get here?
ETHAN: I took a cab.
LESBIAN AUTO MECHANIC: That doesn’t really answer my question.
(Cut to Ryan walking into his room while Kimberly clears out his closet. Ryan has his backpack on)
RYAN: What the hell’s going on here?
(Kimberly comes out of the closet)
KIMBERLY: Oh, hi honey. How was school?
RYAN: I threatened to hurt myself if my teacher didn’t give me a good grade, but now I see you’re tampering with my belongings!
KIMBERLY: We have to sell some things off, honey. Yello?
RYAN: Are you trying to say YOLO?
RYAN: That’s closer, listen, you can’t sell my shit, that’s my shit! I’ve accumulated that sit throughout seventeen years of shit –accumulating! I mean, it’s Christmas time, the time to celebrate materialism and the avaricious hoarding of goods, and now you’re basically giving Santa the one-finger salute by threatening to get rid of my shit!
KIMBERLY: Well, dad has a job in which he makes 16,000 dollars a year, so, sorry but the free ride’s over, kiddo. We need to cut back. For instance, no more leaving your closet light on in the middle of the night.
RYAN: But the dark is scary!
KIMBERLY: You’re not eight, okay? Plus, you should tell your clothes that.
RYAN: What are you planning on selling?
KIMBERLY: Some of these old hair straighteners, some twelve-year old anime comics, some of these belts with scuffed buckles that you seem to have a lot of-
KIMBERLY Yes, plus the rest of this useless junk! Also, no more showers! You have to take baths now.
RYAN: Taking baths? What do I look like, a high-powered business woman at the end of a long day?
KIMBERLY: No, that’s me!
RYAN: Oh yes, the lucrative world of racquetball supply!
KIMBERLY: Don’t pretend like we don’t have to compete with GE!
RYAN: So what about Christmas presents?
KIMBERLY: We’re not getting an inordinate amount of present this year, okay? You have to decide, do you want a lot of small presents or a few big presents?
RYAN: That’s like choosing between Jesus and Judas!
KIMBERLY: You obviously pick Jesus!
RYAN: No, I mean like who would win in a fight?
KIMBERLY: Still Jesus.
RYAN: Shall we figure out what to sell?
KIMBERLY: Yes. Let’s have a garage sale!
(Ryan and Kimberly jump up in the air and high-five in mid-air and they hold on to that shot for a few seconds as music begins playing. Then it cuts to a montage of Ryan and Kimberly breaking open boxes, setting up tables on the driveway, setting up tables on the driveway and rummaging through drawers. Then, as the music ends, cut to Ryan and Kimberly standing in front of the tables they set up on their driveway, where all the items are displayed. They are talking to Lydia)
LYDIA: This garage sale has been dissolved.
LYDIA: Yes. Garage sales are only permitted during approved garage sales weeks, which are usually between June and August. NOT mid-December.
RYAN: It is really cold out here.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, but we’re friends with the HOA President.
LYDIA: Doesn’t matter. You still gotta follow the rules.
KIMBERLY: Damnit, now how are we going to sell this shit off?
RYAN: Hey, don’t call it shit.
KIMBERLY: You were calling it shit earlier!
RYAN: We could sell it at the Salvation Army and make a pretty penny!
KIMBERLY: The Salvation Army doesn’t buy things; you donate things to them for free.
RYAN: …Fuck. That’s probably why I haven’t received payment for that XBOX…I’m kidding.
KIMBERLY: That was good.
RYAN: Thank you.
(Cut to Ross and Jacob walking into Jacob’s house. Ethan walks over)
ETHAN: Hey kids. What are you guys doing tonight?
ROSS: Nothing much, Mr. Donahue. We’re just hanging out for a little while and I’ll be home by 9:30. It is a school night, after all.
ETHAN: That’s true. Have fun, kiddos.
(Ethan walks into his room)
ROSS: Alright, so what are we waiting for?
JACOB: Um, I know! LET’S SHOOT SOME HOOPS OUTSIDE, ROSS!
ROSS: Be a little less obvious, right?
JACOB: Good call. (Jacob and Ross walk outside. They walk to the basketball court in the back part of the house) We should play a little to seal the deal in his subconscious.
ROSS: Okay. Why is your basketball hoop in the back of your house?
JACOB: Why isn’t yours?
ROSS: Because I’m black. (He picks up a basketball and makes it from the three-point line) We’re not ashamed to show off our basketball skills, we’re great at it. White families always put them in the back. That’s how you can tell if a house shelters a white or a black family.
JACOB: How do you know if a house shelters Jews?
ROSS: The Gestapo visits.
(Jacob laughs and shoots a ball at the hoop, but it misses)
JACOB: Sorry, the sun got in my eyes.
ROSS: It’s dark outside.
JACOB: Can we just smoke already?
ROSS: Fine. Hey, you know what I’ve never done?
ROSS: I’ve never hot boxed before.
JACOB: Really? I have.
ROSS: How did you become a stoner?
JACOB: It’s pretty easy. It’s not arduous by any stretch of the imagination.
ROSS: True. Well, let’s try it!
JACOB: In your car?
JACOB: Okay. Let me go get the bong.
(Jacob walks over to a ladder by the side of his house. He grabs the bong from behind it. He then walks to Ross’ car, which Ross is already in. Jacob gets in on the passenger side. Jacob starts loading the bowl)
ROSS: How long is that going to take?
JACOB: How long is the Pope catholic?
JACOB: A little while, okay? Relax.
(Cut to earlier that day when Ethan is talking to the lesbian auto mechanic in at the register)
AUTO MECHANIC: So, we were able to replace your battery cables, that’ll be twenty dollars.
ETHAN: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING-oh wow, that’s actually…not a lot of money at all.
AUTO MECHANIC: They’re just battery cables.
ETHAN: Okay. Well thank you, um-
AUTO MECHANIC: Tammy.
ETHAN: Thank you, Tammy.
(Ethan takes out his wallet and hands her twenty dollars and she puts it in the cash register)
(Ethan leaves the shop and gets in the car and drives off. Cut to Ethan pulling up to the house while Ryan and Kimberly dismantle their garage sale by folding up tables and bring stuff inside. Ethan gets out and walks over to them)
ETHAN: What’s going on here?
KIMBERLY: The HOA told us to dismantle this garage sale.
RYAN: So we’ve elected to sell this shit on EBay.
ETHAN: Nothing wrong with that, I guess. Did you guys know today was 12-12-12? At 12:12 PM I freaked.
RYAN: Why? (Ethan shrieks with joy) Okay, that wasn’t a response. That was a sound effect.
(Kimberly puts down the last item in the garage as Ryan leans a fold-up table against the wall in the garage)
KIMBERLY: Alright, let’s sell some stuff on EBay!
(Jacob pulls up in his car and gets out and walks over to Ethan)
JACOB: Hey, is it okay if Ross comes over for a few hours? He’ll by home by 9:30.
ETHAN: No, it’s not okay-
(Ross pulls up in his car)
JACOB: But he’s already here!
ETHAN: Then why were you asking me? Fine, but not for too long.
JACOB: Cool. We’ll be back.
ETHAN: Where are you going?
JACOB: We’re going to get some after-school tudoring.
ETHAN: Okay, be back soon.
(Jacob gets in Ross’ car. Cut to Ryan and Kimberly around a computer)
RYAN: Alright, so first we’re selling this limited edition swing set that Jacob puked on all the time when he was younger.
KIMBERLY: (Laughs)Yeah. I mean, I kind of understand his sensitive stomach, but if swinging triggered that, why did he have to puke on the swing set?
RYAN: (Laughs) I know! Anyway, let’s not mention the old puke smell.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, that’s not going to go over well.
RYAN: Meanwhile, on Craig’s List I am selling a terrarium that I used to store my many hermit crabs in back in the summer of ‘010.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, until they were fighting over territory and scrounging for food.
RYAN: Yeah, well sometimes I didn’t want to stop playing League of Legends to feed them, so I figured, it’s the fall of Rome, just battle royale, you know?
KIMBERLY: That’s neglect.
RYAN: That’s why I sold them to Preston, mom.
KIMBERLY: You mean the guy who threw a bowling ball into the pep rally crowd at your school? Yeah, I’m sure he took great care of them.
RYAN: Someone bid on the swing set. They’re offering twenty-five dollars.
KIMBERLY: That’s not enough.
RYAN: Plus tax it could be a lot.
KIMBERLY: No, it’s actually zero.
(Cut to Ethan petting Chinaberry in the living room)
ETHAN: Who’s a good boy? You’re a good boy! Who licks his own balls? You lick your own balls! I envy you, trust me.
(Rob comes in)
ROB: Hey, Ethan.
ETHAN: Hey Rob, how was your appointment?
ROB: It’s benign!
ETHAN: Wait, you have a tumor?
ROB: No, I mean, this weird rash on my back is not too serious.
ETHAN: Jesus, then say that! Anyway, I took your car in and it’s all good for your interview tomorrow.
(Rob walks away as Ethan bites his lip with anger. Ethan gets up and walks into the computer room where Kimberly and Ryan are)
RYAN: He counter-offered with a free back massage. Shall we tell him to up his game?
KIMBERLY: No, because then I know where that’ll lead.
RYAN: Oh yeah, you’re right. That’s not good.
(Ryan and Kimberly spin around in their chairs)
ETHAN: I just told Rob about the incredibly generous thing I did for him and he once again neglected to thank me.
KIMBERLY: Oh Ethan, he’s grateful, he just-
ETHAN: He just what? I’m dealing with legal problems, financial problems and Ryan problems-
RYAN: Jacob problems too!
ETHAN: Fair enough, and I can’t even get a “thank you” when I go out of my way to do something nice for a person I despise?
KIMBERLY: Hey! He’s my half-brother, first of all, so watch it. Secondly, I’ll ask him to say thank you if that’s what you want.
ETHAN: No, I want it to be sincere and I want it to be of his own fruition! I’ll be able to tell if you coerced him to do it, so I want a thank you by the end of the day OR ROB IS MOVING OUT!
ETHAN: HELL’S BELLS, KIMBERLY! HE’S OUT!
(Kimberly stands up)
KIMBERLY: Ethan, get a hold of yourself, you’re overreacting!
ETHAN: Don’t tell ME to get a hold of myself! Rob is an obnoxious, inconsiderate ungrateful braggart and he will NOT stay in my house until he says THANK YOU!
KIMBERLY: IT’S NOT ENTIRELY UP TO YOU, ETHAN!
RYAN: I’m so comfortable right now.
ETHAN: AS LONG AS I HOLD THE TITLE TO THIS HOUSE, I DECIDE WHO LIVES!
RYAN: Like, who lives and who dies?
ETHAN: No, who lives in it.
RYAN: That’s a big difference.
KIMBERLY: Ethan, I will talk to Rob.
ETHAN: You will not. He will do it of his own accord by the first minute of December 13, 2012 or it’s a deal breaker.
(Ethan leaves and Kimberly walks after him. Cut to Ross and Jacob in Ross’ car outside the Donahue household later that night. Jacob takes his first hit off the bong and then hands it to Ross)
JACOB: Take a hit, man.
ROSS: That’s what I’m about to do, man. (Ross takes a hit for too long and then coughs a bunch) Fuck, hand me some water!
(He coughs more as Jacob hands him water and he drinks it. Jacob then takes the bong and takes a hit off of it)
JACOB: It’s getting’ pretty misty in here, bro.
ROSS: I’m getting pretty misty in here, bro. Hand me that.
(Jacob hands Ross the bong and Ross takes a hit off of it and exhales. He then takes yet another hit)
JACOB: Fuck dude, nice.
ROSS: Yeah. (Ross hands the bong back to Jacob. Ross stares into space for a long time while Jacob takes another hit. After Jacob is done with his hit, he looks at Ross, who continues to stare blankly. Suddenly, Ross is overcome with an incredible sense of fear and panic) Fuck dude…
JACOB: What? Uh-oh, are you having a bad high?
ROSS: Fuck dude, I’m freaking out, my head is so FUCKING tight, dude!
(Ross gets out of the car, as does Jacob. Ross is holding his head, on the verge of tears)
ROSS: DUDE, IM FUCKIN’ FREAKIN’ OUT, I’M SO GODDAMN SCARED, OH MY GOD!
JACOB: DUDE, YOU’RE FINE! OKAY! RELAX! SMOKE MORE WEED, IT’LL MAKE YOU RELAX!
ROSS: FUCK THAT DUDE, WEED IS THE REASON I’M NOT RELAXED!
JACOB: FINE, WE’LL GO UPSTAIRS AND WE’LL SLEEP IT OFF!
ROSS: I CAN’T FUCKING SLEEP THIS OFF DUDE! Holy shit…(Ross starts half-crying) Fuck dude, what the fuck is going on?! Fuck, fuck, fuck…
JACOB: Just relax, okay? You just got too high!
ROSS: I CAN’T FUCKING SMOKE ANYMORE, DUDE!
JACOB: Don’t! Don’t smoke anymore! I won’t smoke for a while either! Just fucking breathe!
ROSS: I NEED TO GO TO YOUR DAD DUDE, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY, I DON’T WANT TO DIE!
JACOB: DON’T FUCKING GO TO MY DAD! OH MY GOD, DON’T DO THAT MAN!
ROSS: I HAVE TO!
JACOB: NO! YOU’LL BE FINE!
ROSS: I FUCKING HAVE TO!
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly in their room, arguing)
ETHAN: This is a HOUSE! We have RULES! And one of them is you say THANK YOU when someone does something nice for you! So fucking easy, right? I say it as like a nervous twitch when someone does something nice for me! THANK YOU!
KIMBERLY: Rob just isn’t accustomed to that, Ethan, it’s just the way it is! He should be, but he’s not! I’ll talk to him!
ETHAN: I’m Speaker Boehner, you’re President Obama. Let’s compromise. I will keep doing nice things for Rob and if he says thank you to ONE of them then he can continue to live here. But I am going to do these nice things before midnight, so Rob should thank his lucky stars I’m giving him this opportunity! Although he’d probably just tell his lucky stars to go fuck themselves.
KIMBERLY: This is-
(Ross comes holding his head and looking terrified as Ethan and Kimberly turn to him)
ROSS: MR. DONAHUE!
ROSS: JACOB AND I SMOKED WAY TOO MUCH WEED AND NOW I FEEL PANICED, I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO DIE, I NEED YOUR HELP!
ETHAN: Oh my God, have you done any other drugs?!
ROSS: NO! I SWEAR! I HAVEN’T! IT WAS JUST WEED!
KIMBERLY: Jesus Christ!
ETHAN: Sit him down in the living room, Kimmy. I’ll go find Jacob.
(Kimberly leads Ross to the living room and sits him down on the couch. Ethan goes out the front door to see Jacob near the car)
ETHAN: JACOB! GET YOUR FUCKING ASS IN HERE!
(Jacob walks over)
JACOB: I knew I shouldn’t have gotten him high!
(Ethan closes the door)
ETHAN: Where is the paraphernalia?!
JACOB: Roger lent it to us, but he just left!
ETHAN: What is he a fucking bong fairy?! He puts it under your pillow and then takes it back whenever it’s convenient for you?!
ETHAN: Oh my God…(Ethan goes over to the other side of the room and sits down on the couch. Kimberly is also seated on the couch while Ross is seated on another couch and Jacob is standing in the room. Ross continually runs his hands through his hair during this interaction and he also wriggles around in his chair during this experience) have you drank at all tonight?
ROSS: No…it was just weed…what the FUCK was in it?!
ETHAN: It could’ve been any number of things, who did you get it from?
ROSS: It was some guy in a WAL-MART parking lot!
ETHAN: Jesus Christ…
JACOB: In my defense-
ETHAN: Shut up.
JACOB: Dad, I just want to say-
ETHAN: Shut up.
JACOB: Dad,do you-
ETHAN: Shut up!
ROSS: Oh my God, stop!
ETHAN: Excuse me?
ROSS: My heart is going like a thousand beats a minute!
ETHAN: You look pale.
JACOB: How is that possible?!
ETHAN: He looks, like, Puerto Rican.
JACOB: He looks black to me!
ETHAN: Shut up.
JACOB: No, you shut up!
ROSS: (Laughs) High Road!
JACOB: Yeah, that’s a good movie.
ROSS: Fuck, oh my god… this is horrible, I don’t want to die…
KIMBERLY: My mother Kay Altmire was a nurse at a Massachusetts overdose center for twenty years and-
JACOB: We don’t need to know your mom’s resume, Ross is dying!
KIMBERLY: AND, fucking asshole, she dealt with over dose victims and she taught me that you need to breathe steadily, that’s the only thing that’s going to get your heart rate down. (Ross breathes in and out steadily) There we go.
ETHAN: Jacob, if you smoke weed again I will put you in rehab! I swear to God!
JACOB: I won’t smoke weed again! I swear by it!
ETHAN: You better FUCKING not!
(Ryan walks in)
RYAN: Some guy just offered 120 dollars and a bottle of street Vicodin for that swing set-wait, what’s going on?
ETHAN: Ross smoked too much, go upstairs.
(Ryan looks viscerally concerned)
RYAN: I want to make sure he’s okay.
ETHAN: He’ll be fine, just GO UPSTAIRS! Tell Rob to go fuck himself while you’re up there!
RYAN: Will do. Let me know if you need anything.
(Ryan goes upstairs)
ROSS: I feel like I just want to laugh my way out of it, you know, I just don’t want to think about it, but it’s fucking hard, I keep seeing little swirly things going everywhere, I’m going in and out, sometimes I feel like I want to sleep, I think the worst of it’s over, I think I’m getting better actually, OH GOD it’s getting substantially worse, Jacob, how the fuck could you do this to me?!
JACOB: Listen dude, I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry for smokin’ you out!
(Jacob gets his cell phone out and starts texting)
ETHAN: Are you TEXTING?!
JACOB: Yeah, I’m freakin’ out too, I’m texting Barbara.
ETHAN: Your friend is dying and you’re texting Barbara!
ROSS: Please stop telling me I’m dying!
ETHAN: Sorry, he’s near death!
KIMBERLY: He’s not! He just needs to breathe!
JACOB: Listen, I’m just concerned about Ross and I’m texting Barbara to calm myself down! Is that a crime? Listen Ross, if you don’t want to be my friend anymore because of this-
ROSS: No Jacob, no, of course not, I love you, it’s just…fuck dude, this is monkey nuts!
JACOB: Yeah, it is.
ROSS: I need some water!
ETHAN: Get him water!
(Jacob goes to the kitchen, gets some water from the fridge and comes back with a glass of water and hands it to Ross, who drinks it and then puts it down)
ETHAN: Ross, now that pot has elicited this reaction in your body, there are now pot demons setting up camp in your organs. Every time you get high for the next six months to a year, or let’s say until the year 2117, pot will elicit this same reaction, except worse, and involving more rapturing to the depths of hell itself.
ROSS: It’s so weird, it’s like, I’ll never smoke again, I know that for a fact! It’s so weird, but it’s true! It’s a fact, it’s not trivia, it’s certainly not a factoid-
ETHAN: He is really talkative right now.
(Pan to Kimberly who is on her laptop)
KIMBERLY: Talkativeness, extreme anxiety and a rapid heartbeat, these are all symptoms of cocaine use.
ETHAN: Are you saying Ross is a crack baby?
KIMBERLY: Do you know what a crack baby is? And no, I mean coke could’ve been in the weed that the WAL-MART smiley face sold Jacob!
JACOB: I’m never trusting that guy again.
KIMBERLY: You probably won’t feel normal again for about six hours, Ross.
ROSS: Fuck, I’ll have to go through six hours of this shit?!
KIMBERLY: Yes. It’ll be in waves as well, it’ll get better, then really bad again. Better, bad, better, bad, butter, bag.
ETHAN: Butter bag?
KIMBERLY: I don’t know, man.
ROSS: This is so crazy, I have to go through six hours of this…
(Cut to Ross, Jacob, Kimberly and Ethan in Ethan’s room, Ethan has a heart rate monitor around Ross’ arm)
ETHAN: He’s at 130 beats per minute.
KIMBERLY: Otherwise known as tachycardia.
ROSS: Fuck, that sounds bad!
ETHAN: The only other time your hear rate is that high is when you’re excited to go on a roller coaster or when you’re about to compliment a girls’ earrings.
ROSS: Doesn’t sound as bad anymore!
(Ethan wraps the thing around Jacob’s arm and it comes up as 130)
ETHAN: Jacob also is in tachycardia, but is obviously having a much more different experience.
JACOB: I’m sleepy over here.
(Cut to Jacob on the couch upstairs with Ross lying on the couch near him, still looking anxious, but not as much as before. They are both watching TV. Logan, Rob and Ryan walk in)
RYAN: Is he okay?
JACOB: Yeah, he’s getting better.
ROSS: Stop saying that, each time you say it, it gets worse.
ROB: Tell him I wish him all the best.
JACOB: He’s right there, you could tell him yourself.
LOGAN: All the best, Ross!
ROB: Thanks, Logan. Someone’s considerate here.
(Pan to Ethan at the base of the stairs, having just heard what Rob said. He laughs indignantly. Cut to Rob in Ryan’s room on the computer playing MineCraft. A knock is heard at the door)
ROB: Come in!
(Ethan comes in with a hot coca)
ETHAN: Hey Rob. I brought you hot coca.
ROB: Oh. (He takes it) It’s a little late for hot coca, isn’t it?
ETHAN: (Suppressing anger) …My grandma always told me it’s never late for hot cocoa.
ROB: Did she?
ETHAN: No. She told me the two most important words in the English language are…
ETHAN: (Biting his lip) No…not those, Rob. Hey, are you tired of living in Ryan’s room?
ROB: Totally. He faps under the covers like I don’t notice.
ETHAN: Wow, didn’t need to hear that, anyway, how would you feel about moving into Madeline’s old room?
ROB: Why didn’t I get that room when Madeline moved out four months ago?
ETHAN: Because I was planning on building a home theatre in there, but now with money tight, I’m going to hand it over to you. Enjoy.
ROB: Well I’ll get my stuff then!
(Rob goes into the closet and pulls out a bag and starts packing things like clothes, cigarettes, video games and about twelve tooth brushes)
ETHAN: Why do you have so many toothbrushes?!
ROB: Gotta keep them pearly whites pearly white, Brohammed Ali.
ETHAN: Stop packing. Get up. Look me in the eye.
(Rob gets up)
ETHAN: You’re not getting that room anymore, Rob.
ROB: What, why the fuck not?
ETHAN: THAT’S why! You’re rude! You just said fuck to me when I was just doing you a favor, you never said thank you for me taking your car to the shop or getting you hot cocoa or offering you a room. How the FUCK do you not know when to say thank you?
ROB: Oh my God, Ethan, I’m so sorry about that. I really need to work on that, I apologize.
ETHAN: Well, I’m glad you’ve realized the error of your ways. Now-wait. You still didn’t say thank you for those things I did for you.
ROB: …I apologized.
ETHAN: Say thank you.
ROB: I apologized!
ETHAN: SAY THANK YOU GODDAMNIT!
ETHAN: THERE! JESUS CHRIST, HOW HARD WAS THAT? Why was that such a tumultuous task for you?
ROB: I don’t know, my dad was never insistent upon saying thank you; it’s just a skill I never developed. It’s one of a lot of social skills I never learned from my parents. I was the last of their children, I was from another father and Kimberly was already eleven when I was born.
ETHAN: Well. This has created quite an interesting dynamic between us, has it not?
ROB: I’m not sure what you mean.
ETHAN: I mean…that I have become more monumentally important in your life than I have ever been before…son. (Rob gets teary-eyed and hugs Ethan. They embrace in that hug for several seconds before they separate) Now, let’s start with bringing up a something about a topic long after the topic has been exhausted, it’s a tricky thing.
(Cut to Ryan and Kimberly around the computer)
RYAN: Our items are getting tons of offers on EBay, Craig’s List and thousands of upvotes on Reddit.
KIMBERLY: It looks like we might actually sell a bunch of this stuff.
RYAN: Absolutely we are. Although we’re getting no hits on 4Chan, probably because there’s no holocaust jokes associated with old throw pillows.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, they seem to like that kind of thing from what Rob showed me.
KIMBERLY: You know Ryan…I actually had a lot of fun spending time with you today, despite your initial protestations.
RYAN: Yeah, I did too. Even if it was all in an attempt to get our fiscal house in order.
KIMBERLY: Right. We should do this more often.
RYAN: We should. Have some Mother-Son time. Because dad certainly doesn’t give me any father-son time.
KIMBERLY: I know he’s not the warmest person on Earth, but he means well.
RYAN: Yeah, well-
(Behind Ryan and Kimberly, right outside the door to the computer room, Ethan and Rob walk down the stairs together and Ethan has his arm around Rob’s shoulder and they’re chumming it up while Ryan and Kimberly turn around and watch. They then walk away. Ryan and Kimberly turn back and Ryan looks at Kimberly angrily. Kimberly shrugs her shoulders and Ryan storms off in a huff. Cut to Ross sleeping on the couch while Jacob sleeps on the other couch)
ROSS: (Sleep talking) …say…say you’re sorry…say you’re…sorry…SAY IT!
(Jacob wakes up)
JACOB: Ugh, what was that-
(Ross gets up, half-asleep)
ROSS: Say you’re sorry.
JACOB: Ross, you’re not lucid right now-
ROSS: SAY IT!
(Ross jumps on Jacob and starts choking him. Cut to earlier when Troy and Ted were in that room with the gram of coke weed, ready to make the deal. Alex comes in)
TROY: The fuck are you doing here?
ALEX: I just forgot my backpack, sorry.
TROY: Yeah, be sorry. Leaving shit is for messy dealers.
(Alex grabs his book bag, but then this time the scene shows Alex taking a gram of regular weed out of his bag and putting right next to the gram of coke weed. Alex then takes the coke weed and puts it in his bag and leaves as the camera pans back over to Troy and Ted)
TROY: So Ted, remember our chant!
(The screen fades to black)
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Script / Humor
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
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