“No controlling them. No stopping them. Fighting through to the tears, the hurt. Being in control of her own pain was her answer. People ruining her with what they think, seemed like their truth. No one would let go. No one would let her forget.”
(We start with former Senator Tom Daschle sitting in his South Dakota home reading a newspaper and sipping on coffee when his butler comes in)
BUTLER: Senator Daschle, a letter has come for you in the mail, as it were.
SENATOR DASCHLE: Well as it were, I’m busy. Put it on my bedside table, Jeeves.
BUTLER: My name’s Josh.
SENATOR DASCHLE: Whatever, Jeeves.
(The butler takes his leave. Cut to Jacob, Roger and Beckett in Mr. Gumbo’s occupational research classroom. Beckett has his fingers in the shape of a field goal while Roger is about to flick a paper football into it while Jacob sits nearby, watching. A ginger kid is sitting nearby, tapping his pencil in dreamy reverie)
ROGER: You know what I want to do when I grow up, mahn? (He flicks the paper into the field goal) I want to be a paper football player.
BECKETT: I couldn’t hear you there Roge, this ginger kid’s hair is blinding me! It really pisses me off. Just like that lady that walks up and down the road with that floppy hat.
JACOB: Paper football isn’t a profession, first of all, secondly, why are you annoyed by some-
BECKETT: Ginger kid?
JACOB: No, floppy hat woman.
BECKETT: I don’t know, it’s like, shave your head! Then you’ll feel better.
JACOB: About wearing a hat?
BECKETT: No, about your red hair!
ROGER: I mean it’s like, what are you, the joker or some shit, nigga? Why don’t you tell us a joke or show us a magic trick? How about your make yourself disappear, mahn?
GINGER KID: It wasn’t my choice to be a ginger, Roger.
BECKETT: I remember “Kick-a-Ginger” day like it was my birthday. I remember it better than my birthday. Mostly because I repressed those memories, he adds one more hit each time I turn a new age. I wish I was Benjamin Button so he would hit me less each year.
ROGER: Kick-a-Ginger day was the shit.
BECKETT: Yeah, I-
ROGER: So how many times did you get kicked that day, ginge?
GINGER KID: My name’s Hudson.
BECKETT: What I can’t hear you over your goddamn freckles!
HUDSON: Stop using that joke.
ROGER: I oughta use yo’ pasty white skin to make a pastry out of you! Go back to the bakery where you belong!
HUDSON: Did you just use a play on words?
BECKETT: Stop questioning us gingo, you don’t have a soul or any friends, so you have no place to judge us, South Park taught me that.
HUDSON: Just leave me alone.
ROGER: He wants to be left alone! His parents should’ve left him alone! At a bus stop! When he was three!
(Jacob looks down shaking his head slightly. Then, he starts holding his head and the audio of Roger, Beckett and Hudson is tuned out as the camera closes in on Jacob’s head and the video goes blurry as a ringing noise is heard. This goes on for a few seconds, but then the bell is heard and Jacob snaps out of it and everything comes back into focus)
ROGER: -Punk ass! Don’t ring a ginger’s neck unless you got a towel! To wipe off the tears!
(Hudson leaves quickly, embarrassed while Jacob appears conflicted. Cut to a door reading “The Offices of Senator Patrick Leahy, Democrat from Vermont”. Cut to inside the office. It is empty. Cut to a wall labeled “This is not a door”. The wall opens to reveal a shower-fresh Senator Patrick Leahy putting on a HAZMAT bath robe on, plus a HAZMAT mask and HAZMAT slippers and HAZMAT shower cap. He looks at a framed newspaper headline from October 2001 edition of the Washington Post reading “DASCHLE, LEAHY AND BROKAW TARGETED IN ANTHRAX ATTACKS”. A knock is heard)
SENATOR LEAHY: Come in!
(An aide comes out of the bathroom that Leahy just emerged from)
AIDE: Sorry Senator, I thought you were still in the shower.
SENATOR LEAHY: What do you need?
(The aide holds up an envelope)
AIDE: You have received a letter.
SENATOR LEAHY: Thank God I’m wearing my HAZMAT bath robe. Gotta be cautious since eleven years ago. (Leahy takes the letter and accidentally drops it) Whoopsie doodle dandy! (He picks the letter up as the camera pans down to his bare ankles and he hears the sloshing inside of it) What the hell? (He looks at the envelope to see it reads “From Brian in Hansbay, Vermont, you’ll be surprised!” and there are pictures of torches and javelins on it) By God, this maniac wants me to be burn and speared alive! Plus I’m pretty sure this has anthrax in it. Call the authorities!
AIDE: Yes sir.
(The aide leaves. Cut to Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano at her desk. Behind her is the clock from “24” making the really loud “tick-tock” noise as it counts down from 24:00. A Homeland Security advisor walks in with a file in hand and slaps it on the desk)
ADVISOR: Napolitano, we’ve got a problem. Could your turn that off? It’s really loud.
JANET NAPOLITANO: (Sighs) I’m not a fan of your nagging, but fine.
(Secretary Napolitano turns it off)
ADVISOR: Madame Secretary, it appears as though former Senator Daschle and Senator Leahy have once again been victims of a possible anthrax attack. (He opens the file) They were sent letters from an unknown assailant named “Brian”, possibly a schizophrenic black man in his 20s, perhaps loves dogs and he sent a hastily thrown together letter with some sort of granular substance in it. It could be Grandma’s cookies, it could be MURDER.
SECRETARY NAPOLITANO: Dear God! Get our black President on the line.
ADVISOR: Right away, Madame Secretary.
(The advisor leaves. Cut to President Obama walking up a path with Treasury Secretary Geithner and Michelle Obama)
PRESIDENT OBAMA: So you’re saying the Congressional Republicans are meeting at this Country Club?
SECRETARY GEITHNER: Trust me, when I was on Wall Street , we all met here.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Good, I want to work out these fiscal cliff negotiations in a subdued, casual manner.
MICHELLE OBAMA: I’m excited.
(They walk up to the country club and see a sign reading “NO PRESIDENTS ALLOWED”)
PRESIDENT OBAMA: SON OF A BITCH!
SECRETARY GEITHNER: I don’t remember this policy.
(President Obama gets a call. His ringtone is “Yes We Can” by the Black Eyed Peas. He turns around and answers it)
PRESIDENT OBAMA: This is Black Wolf. Give me the skinny, Napolitano.
SECRETARY NAPOLITANO: (On the phone) We have a potential anthrax scare. Granular substances were sent to Senators Daschle and Leahy. We have Capitol Hill on lockdown.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Keep me updated, I’ll head back to the White Hizzy.
SECRETARY NAPOLITANO: Tango-niner.
(They both hang up. Cut to Evan, Tatum and Conan in Mayor Sarandon’s office)
EVAN: You thought it was a good idea to send sand to Senators Daschle and Leahy?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah! I wanted to promote the 2024 Hansbay Olympics and perhaps get them to lobby the IOC in my favor! So I sent them some sand from our city, mostly from the shores of Lake Champlain so they feel it in between their toes and get a sense of what Hansbay is like.
TATUM: Ignoring the fact that it was a terrible idea to begin with, why would you send the sand to the two most well-known victims of the 2001 anthrax attacks?
MAYOR SARANDON: I also sent some to Tom Brokaw!
TATUM: How is that a defense?
MAYOR SARANDON: Plus it wasn’t only sand, I figured I was on the beach anyway, I might as well put some fish hooks and stuff in there, let them know there’s ample fishing.
CONAN: So they can cut their hands after they realize it’s not anthrax?
MAYOR SARANDON: You know what? Sometimes it seems like I’m the only one who wants the 2024 Olympics to be here!
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m sorry if I wanted to spread the joy of the Christmas season. You guys are grinches of the highest caliber. Leave my office.
EVAN: Fine, we can leave, but what about the HHS people that are going to show up soon?
MAYOR SARANDON: As long as they knock.
(Cut to Ryan in Mrs. Brady’s classroom, listening to his iPod. Jacob is sitting next to him, Beckett is sitting behind Jacob)
MRS. BRADY: Math exams are next week, kids! Exercise those brain muscles! Put your thinking caps on! Although, some of you seniors will be exemptus emeritus from those, providing you don’t have too many absences or library fines. Beckett, you have forty dollars’ worth of library fines.
JACOB: Beckett, you read?
BECKETT: I host a book burning with my pop every weekend; it’s the only thing we bond over. You read?
JACOB: You rang?
BECKETT: Don’t avoid the question.
JACOB: I don’t read the Hunger Games, that’s for sure.
RYAN: Come on.
BECKETT: But that’s a bunch of bullshit, those library fines are supposed to be separated and distributed amongst the students therefore rendered null and void! Morose!
MRS. BRADY: You have a lot of absences too.
BECKETT: That’s bullshit, I’m just late all the time, this school has no life!
RYAN: What does that even mean?
MRS. BRADY: Beckett, this is not my decision, you’re shooting the messenger.
BECKETT: I hate this goddamn school. (Ryan shakes his head slightly, left to right) Don’t shake your head at me, Ryan; I’ll hit you if you shake your head at me one more time.
(Ryan turns around)
RYAN: What is wrong with you?
BECKETT: You should back off, ya faggot emo bitch! This is an adult conversation! Politics y’all!
RYAN: You weren’t discussing politics.
BECKETT: Go back to listening to “The Sound of Buttfucking” by Simon and Fagfunkel.
RYAN: Wow, stretch.
BECKETT: Go cry emo kid, slit your wrists and hope for the best.
(Beckett and Roger laugh and high-five. Cut to after class when everyone is funneling out. Jacob is packing up when Ryan walks up to him)
RYAN: Thanks for standing up for me, Katniss.
JACOB: I didn’t want to get involved, man.
RYAN: I’m your brother and they were raggin’ on like me like I was a dirty dish!
JACOB: You gotta learn to stand up for yourself, man.
RYAN: They’re your friends and by the brother-friend contract of society you have to stand up for your brother over your friends!
JACOB: Dude, it’s not a big deal, just let it go, you won’t even remember tomorrow.
RYAN: Don’t tell me it’s not a big deal, it’s a big deal to me!
JACOB: Just, ugh, I have to go. There’s a passing period cookie in the lunch room with my name on it. Literally.
RYAN: Don’t say literally unless it actually makes sense.
(Jacob leaves the room. Cut to Jacob walking down the hallway. He goes downstairs and walks over to the lunch room. Ross walks over to him)
ROSS: So I just got out of the counselor’s office.
JACOB: Why? What’d you do?
ROSS: Why do you always assume I did something wrong when I go to the counselor’s office?
JACOB: Don’t throw down the race card.
ROSS: I didn’t, but now I think I should, anyway, I was there because I’m dealing with some stress from last night.
JACOB: You told the counselor?
ROSS: Yeah, but everything’s kept confidential with her, so it’s all good.
JACOB: I wouldn’t trust her. Things could end up pretty Snowtown. Get it?
ROSS: Um, no
JACOB: Well, then you don’t get the reference. That’s on you, amigo!
ROSS: I don’t feel that bad that I didn’t the reference. Anyway, someone managed to convince me that the asshole dealer had sprinkled coke into the weed.
JACOB: I just think you had a bad trip.
ROSS: Yeah, it was more like one of those trips where your mom gets out of the car and walks by it for a mile because she and dad are fighting. But worse.
JACOB: Yeah well, it was pretty bad for me to, watching you go through all that.
ROSS: It wasn’t as bad for you, trust me.
JACOB: It was close.
ROSS: I wasn’t close.
JACOB: It’s like, I was David and you were Goliath.
ROSS: That simile doesn’t make any sense.
JACOB: Once again, you don’t get the reference and it’s your fault.
ROSS: No I got the reference; you just don’t understand the story of David and Goliath.
JACOB: Okay, well it’s my off block and I’m going to go home.
ROSS: Oh. Okay.
JACOB: Cool. After I get my cookie though.
ROSS: Yeah, do that. (Jacob is walking over to the cafeteria line when he meets eyes with Hudson. After exchanging brief glances, Jacob goes into the line. Cut to Ross driving his car. He is listening “ What I Got” by Sublime and singing along) Life’s short, so love the one you got, because you might get run over or you might get shot, never had to battle with no…
(He starts holding his head as his eyelids constrain and he bows his head slightly and the camera zooms in on him as the lens goes blurry. Cut to Ryan coming out of a Starbucks holding a drink)
RYAN: Nothing like a double frappe mocha chino macchiato Pilates in the afternoon. (Ryan looks into his car to see nothing but his backpack) Shit, I forgot my jacket at school. It’s like twenty degrees out, how did I even do that? I mean, being pretend cold blooded will only get me so far. Now what am I gonna do? (Pause) I guess I could go back to the school and get it. Nice problem solving, Donahue! (Ryan gets in his car and puts a CD into his CD player and it starts playing some emo music) Fuckin’ Jacob. What a pussy. He can’t stand up for his own brother. (Ryan starts up the car. Cut to Ryan driving down the road, listening to the music) If people were making fun of him for dressing like he’s in eighth grade, or for reading The Hunger Games series, but apparently being a slow enough reader to have not already finished it by now, I would’ve stood up for him in a heartbeat.
(Ryan starts to get some heavy-headedness and his eyes relax as well and he pinches his face while the screen goes blurry. Cut to Hudson walking down the sidewalk near the high school with his backpack on)
HUDSON: You just have to ignore them…they’re fucking idiots brainwashed by South Park and its unintentional bullying incitement paradigm. (He walks past a sign reading “Hug and then kick a ginger in his red-haired nuts day, December 17 or whenever you want to do that”) You’ve gotta be kidding me.
(Cut to Ross driving while pinching his face. Cut to Ryan driving while pinching his face. Cut to an above shot of Ryan driving past Ross. Ryan drives past him, but then accidentally veers into the other lane and accidentally hits the back part of Ross’ car, causing both cars to spin and stop. Ryan gets out of his car, as does Ross and they run towards each other)
RYAN: Oh my God, I’m so sorry, are you okay?
ROSS: Yeah, I’m fine, it just gave me a little jolt, hey, aren’t you Jacob’s brother?
RYAN: I thought I was. Aren’t you his friend Ross?
RYAN: I mean, you were at my house literally last night, we should really know this.
ROSS: Yeah. Well, if I could just have your insurance information, we could settle out of court.
(Hudson walks over)
HUDSON: Hey, is everybody alright here?
(Ross and Ryan turn around)
RYAN: Yeah, we’re fine. But hey, could you do me a favor?
RYAN: Could you go to the school and get my jacket for me? It’s freezing out here. Also get me a croissant, not butter.
HUDSON: I’m only doing the jacket, man.
RYAN: Fine, but make it snappy. In the meantime, Ross and I are going to move our cars into the neighborhood over there.
HUDSON: Okay, where is your jacket?
RYAN: It’s in Mrs. Brady’s room; she’s the woman who looks like a frog. (Hudson nods his head and runs toward the school) REMEMBER, EXTRA BUTTER!
ROSS: Didn’t you say before you wanted no butter?
(Jacob drives up to the scene and honks, startling both Ryan and Ross)
RYAN: GODDAMNIT, JACOB!
(Jacob rolls down his window)
JACOB: Get your rust buckets off the road!
RYAN: Don’t roll down your window, okay, I can smell the weed from here.
(Ryan and Ross get in their respective cars and drive them into a nearby neighborhood, thus allowing Jacob to pass. Cut to Ryan and Ross getting out of their cars in that neighborhood)
ROSS: So, do you have your insurance information?
RYAN: I don’t. Do you?
ROSS: No, but I do have a 2003 Nokia phone manual.
RYAN: That doesn’t really help us.
ROSS: Did you know you can record audio on this phone?
RYAN: Well, we could call my parents, but I’m not looking forward to telling them about this.
ROSS: Tell Jacob, he’ll half-listen to you and half-sympathize and then try to convince you he’s in worse condition.
RYAN: Oh my God, don’t you hate when he does that?
ROSS: Yeah. I guess he’s just having a bad day, but…
RYAN: No, that’s the thing; he is having a great day. I was telling him the other day, he just smokes weed and masturbates all day, gets off of school at one o’clock each day. When he’s working all he has to do is make sure kids don’t eat Nerf guns at Toys R Us. Meanwhile, he can’t be bothered to defend me when his asshole friends are assholes to me. I mean, you expect them to do that, but you also expect your brother to stand up for you.
ROSS: I know. So…I guess we’ve both had problems with Jacob today, huh?
RYAN: No kidding we have.
(Hudson walks over with the jacket)
(Ryan takes his jacket)
HUDSON: Is Jacob that kid who is friends with Beckett and Roger?
RYAN: Yeah. He’s my brother as well.
ROSS: He’s my friend too.
RYAN: He’s not mine apparently, though. He’s been a real asshole to both of us today.
HUDSON: Really? He seemed kind of nice.
ROSS: How so?
HUDSON: I mean, it’s like…never mind.
RYAN: No, go ahead.
HUDSON: It’s just, Roger and Beckett were poking some lighthearted fun at me for my light skin color and red hair.
ROSS: You’re definitely sugar-coating it.
HUDSON: They were making fun of me.
RYAN: And Jacob?
HUDSON: He didn’t join in. I mean, I noticed that.
RYAN: But he didn’t stop it either.
HUDSON: No, he didn’t.
RYAN: Of course. He has the ability to be a better person, but he’s just too much of a pussy to do it.
ROSS: We should have a roast of him.
RYAN: That’s a good idea! Something like, “I can understand why Jacob likes The Hunger Games. Because every day at about twenty after four the Hunger Games appear to begin.”
(Ross, Ryan and Hudson laugh)
ROSS: Or, or, “If Jacob had the chance to fuck Megan Fox, he’d say ‘I’m not really into theatre chicks’”.
(Ross and Ryan laugh)
HUDSON: I guess I don’t know him well enough to get that. But I knew he smoked pot!
RYAN: How’d you know that?
HUDSON: Are you kidding me? Every time he walks into a class it smells like he wears a cologne called “Matthew McConaughey‘s Ejaculate for Men.”
(Ryan, Ross and Hudson laugh)
RYAN: Nice, ginger kid! No offense.
HUDSON: It’s okay.
ROSS: You know, if you rearrange “ginger” it becomes “nigger”, so, we cool.
HUDSON: (Chuckles) Cool.
ROSS: You know what? I’ll have my dad get the insurance information, but how about we all just go to my house and hang out?
RYAN: Sure, I can, I have group therapy at five, but before that I’m free.
HUDSON: Awesome. I don’t have a car though, so…
RYAN: Ride with me. We’re both Irish and we both have light skin. If you rode with Ross, I think it would rip a hole in the time-space continuum.
ROSS: He’s right.
HUDSON: (Laughs) Okay, I’ll go with Ryan.
RYAN: Get in.
(Hudson gets in on the passenger side, as does Ryan. Ross then gets in his car. Cut to Mayor Sarandon, Evan and Tatum on the couch watching the television in the break room. Mayor Sarandon is flipping through channels)
TATUM: Can you find any channel not talking about your connection to the anthrax scare?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, actually, C-SPAN is just rerunning last night’s episode of C-SPAN After Hours.
(Cut to the TV, which shows House Majority Leader Eric Cantor and House Speaker John Boehner on the floor of the House, which is dark. Cantor has an ice pack on his head while Boehner is smoking a cigarette. Both are wearing suits with loosened ties)
SPEAKER BOEHNER: Did you fingerbang that hot Congresswoman from South Dakota in the House gallery?
ERIC CANTOR: Let’s just say my finger smells like the subcommittee on workforce protections.
SPEAKER BOEHNER: Nice. (They high-five) Where’s Paul?
ERIC CANTOR: I don’t know, last time I saw him he was eating Captain Crunch from a jar to alleviate his hangover, but I think he hid again because Biden’s still mad at him.
(Vice President Joe Biden wanders in shirtless)
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: I say what I mean and I mean what I say, Paul Ryan’s getting his ass kicked TODAY!
(Cut back to Mayor Sarandon and the others)
MAYOR SARANDON: Why is Joe Biden talking in limericks?
EVAN: Turn it to the news.
(Mayor Sarandon turns it. Cut to the TV. Fiona Cadbury and Patrick White at their news desk)
PATRICK WHITE: Mayor Sarandon is being sought in connection with the mailing of several letters to key lawmakers and media leaders containing some sort of granular substance, initially believed to be anthrax. Capitol Hill was put on lockdown after one of these letters was sent to Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy, one of the victims in the 2001 Anthrax attacks. Capitol Hill Police and the Homeland Security Department secured the envelopes and discovered the substance was simply sand, although it did find potentially harmful fish hooks disclosed within. Meanwhile, the other letters, sent to former Senator Majority leader Tom Daschle, Tom Brokaw, Vermont Governor Shumlin and IOC President Count Jacques Rogge. This coming in the midst of investigation into possible corruption within the Sarandon Mayoral tenure are sure to be damaging to the defense’s cast as well as the Mayor’s public image.
(Cut back to the Mayor and others)
MAYOR SARANDON: Shit. Well, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy now that she’s said it.
TATUM: Just tell the media you’ve spoken with the HHS and that it was a big misunderstanding. Then say nothing will stop you from fighting for the people of Hansbay. Really go ham on that point.
MAYOR SARANDON: No. I don’t want to talk to the media. It’s useless, is it not? They’ll just spin my words into their own shit, like Hansel and Rumpeltstiltskin falling down the mountain. I am going to call a meeting with the people I sent the letters to clear things up.
EVAN: Are you sure, sir? Where would you have this meeting?
MAYOR SARANDON: I don’t know, somewhere that says “I have a family and I’m sorry and I want to make you feel at home and I want to make you feel comfortable”.
EVAN: There was way too many ands in that sentence, but, I think I might have the place for you.
MAYOR SARANDON: Where?
EVAN: My house! Yeah, I bake a mean tortellini and we could even play charades, or swing.
MAYOR SARANDON: Good idea. We should have it at your house. Wait, what did you say after the charades thing?
EVAN: Swing. I mean, swing. DAMNIT, SWING!
MAYOR SARANDON: This isn’t an autocorrect, just say what you meant.
EVAN: I meant we can swing.
MAYOR SARANDON: We’re not doing that.
EVAN: Fine, we’ll have to fill the last hour though. Who should I invite?
MAYOR SARANDON: Senator Leahy, Governor Shumlin, Tom Brokaw, Tom Daschle and Jacques Rogge if they can make it.
EVAN: Alright, yes sir! I’ll go buy the doilies.
(Evan leaves. Mayor Sarandon turns it back to C-SPAN After Hours. Cut to Steny Hoyer and Jim Clyburn holding back an angry Paul Ryan, ready to attack, in front of the still shirtless Vice President Joe Biden)
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: No, no, let him go. Let him take a swing at ol’ Joe.
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon in Evan’s household)
MAYOR SARANDON: So, will Ellen be pretending to be my wife?
EVAN: What? No.
MAYOR SARANDON: But I want it to seem like I have a family!
EVAN: I don’t feel comfortable with that.
(Ellen comes in)
ELLEN: C’mon, Evan, I was almost an actress, remember?
EVAN: You tried out for the part of Kate Monster in Avenue Q like five years ago.
ELLEN: And I was brilliant.
EVAN: You dressed up like a Q.
ELLEN: I thought I was trying out for Sesame Street!
MAYOR SARANDON: Please Evan? It doesn’t mean anything, we’re just pretending!
EVAN: Ugh…fine, I guess.
MAYOR SARANDON: Now get everything ready.
EVAN: Well, I called Senator Daschle, Senator Leahy, Tom Brokaw, Governor Shumlin and Jacques Rogge. Senator Daschle is on a plane right now, it took off from Aberdeen, South Dakota and he’ll be here by nine o’clock at the earliest.
MAYOR SARANDON: Nothing like a late-night sausage conference.
ELLEN: Sausage conference?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, it’s like a sausage fest, but for men in power.
EVAN: Senator Leahy is landing at Burlington International from D.C. in a couple hours; he should be here by six.
MAYOR SARANDON: Good, good. What about Governor Shumlin and Tom Brokaw?
EVAN: Governor Shumlin will be here soon, he lives only 45 minutes away in Montpelier and Tom Brokaw is flying in from Montana, and being the only resident of that state, he should have no problems booking a flight, he’ll be here around the same time Senator Daschle gets here. As for Jacques Rogge, he sends his regrets.
MAYOR SARANDON: Damnit! Just because he lives in Canada he can’t drive a few miles and see me?
EVAN: He lives in Belgium.
MAYOR SARANDON: Oh, wow. In that case I should’ve put a waffle in his envelope instead of moose nose.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, can’t we get Rogge on Skype?
EVAN: Skype? That’s a possibility. I’ll ask him.
MAYOR SARANDON: Do it. We have to make this night flawless for my wife and I.
ELLEN: Absolutely, honey.
EVAN: I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THAT!
(Evan leaves the room)
MAYOR SARANDON: Someone’s a snooky piggums!
ELLEN: Bicky puggums!
MAYOR SARANDON: Shuggums!
(Ellen and Mayor Sarandon laugh. Cut to Jacob knocking on General DePinto’s door. General DePinto opens the door wearing a bath robe and holding a bucket of paint)
GENERAL DEPINTO: Oh, hi Jacob.
JACOB: Were you painting naked?
GENERAL DEPINTO: It’s something my old man taught me to do. Well, an old man. I’ll go get dressed and then you can come inside.
(General DePinto closes the door. Cut to Jacob sitting on Noah’s couch while he sits in an armchair nearby wearing a t-shirt and jeans)
GENERAL DEPINTO: So what’s troubling you, young man?
JACOB: Um, well, I don’t know, it’s like…last night my friend Ross got too high while we were both smoking pot, and he freaked out, had a bad trip, got my dad involved, but he turned out fine. Anyway, today it seemed like he was trying to make me feel like an asshole, because he was talking about dealing with a lot of stress regarding the incident. On top of that, my brother’s pissed at me for not standing up for him when one of my friends called him a faggot, I told him he needs to learn to stand up for himself. I guess this day does just not like me.
GENERAL DEPINTO: …Jacob, let me tell you something. A military unit relies on five things: misogynistic jokes, wistful stories about girlfriends back home, cigarettes, the guarantee of a job when the solider comes home, (laughs) that was a joke. Anyway, the fifth and most important thing is unit cohesion. No good soldier moves forward as one, they operate as individual components of a single entity.
JACOB: But gay soldiers, i.e. visa vi, quid pro quo Ryan, disrupt unit cohesion, right?
GENERAL DEPINTO: No, the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell proved that. Listen, you might not like your brother, but blood is thicker than water. Then again, oil is thicker than blood and that’s why wars happen.
JACOB: The more you know.
GENERAL DEPINTO: The point is, the world is not every man for himself.
JACOB: But this is not war. This is civilian life.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Standing up for others is an important value, Jacob. Like, what if someone started ragging on your girlfriend?
JACOB: I don’t have a girlfriend.
GENERAL DEPINTO: And I wonder why. Is it because you never stood up for her? You never appreciated her for who she was? A theatre chick?
JACOB: I talk to you way too much.
GENERAL DEPINTO: That’s probably true. But you need to get your head straight if you ever want to go into the military. No more drugs, okay? When I was in Iraq in the early 1990s I wasn’t all potted up on weed-pot-smoke it errday, okay?
JACOB: Wait; there was another war with Iraq?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Yes. But don’t change the subject, no more Smokey the Jacob, alright?
JACOB: …Okay. I’ll try.
GENERAL DEPINTO: You won’t try, you’ll do it. Unless you want to get put in the catapult.
(Jacob laughs, as does General DePinto)
JACOB: Okay…I’m serious. I’ll do it.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Good. You don’t see soldiers in Afghanistan eating Chex Mix while shooting terrorists and laughing because it reminds them of the John Travolta meme.
JACOB: I already said I’d do it, you don’t need to convince me further.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Sorry.
(Cut to Ross, Ryan and Hudson walking into Ross’ house. Joshua Higgins walks over)
JOSHUA HIGGINS: Rossworth, who are these fine young handsome gentlemen?
ROSS: This is Ryan Donaue, Jacob’s brother and this is a guy whose name I am not yet familiar with.
HUDSON: My name’s Hudson McBride.
JOSHUA: I see. It’s a pleasure to meet you two.
RYAN: For me as well, Mr. Ross’ dad.
JOSHUA: My name’s Joshua Ross’ dad.
RYAN: Of course.
JOSHUA: Why are you hanging out with Jacob’s brother, Ross?
ROSS: Um, reasons. Bye dad.
(The three of them walk upstairs. Cut to them walking into Ross’ room to see a custom-built computer on a desk with a loud computer fan)
RYAN: Wow, nice computer.
ROSS: Thanks. Custom-built, built customly. I had my dad help.
HUDSON: What is it,i-7 3960X processor?
ROSS: 3960Y processor, actually.
RYAN: Wow, nice. It has like, an industrial fan in it.
ROSS: Yeah, I can’t hear the dialogue in my video games most of the time, but it’s worth it. Have seats. (Ryan and Hudson sit on Ross’ bed while Ross sits on his computer chair and spins around to face towards them) You know what Jacob said to me while I was having my freak-out on pot last night?
RYAN: What did he say?
ROSS: He said “I’m sorry for smokin’ you out!”
RYAN: Are you serious?
HUDSON Wait, you had a freak-out on pot?
ROSS: Yeah, last night. He acted almost like I was being ungrateful for him facilitating my smoking of marijuana by freaking out over it. I mean, what the fuck kind of attitude is that?
RYAN: It’s a fucked up attitude, it’s one I’m not a fan of. If anyone ever put a toe on Jacob’s head I would punch them in the toe. But he wouldn’t do the same for me.
HUDSON: And he certainly didn’t defend me.
RYAN: Yeah. So Hudson, I’ve long thought that the only people more ridiculed than emos are gingers, so I pray you to describe your experience.
HUDSON: Well, it’s not as hard as you think. Besides getting sun-burned by laptop light, getting made fun of by my twenty-four year old dentist and despite living my life free of serious malice I have to constantly defend the fact that I have a soul. All because of Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
RYAN: Well, it’s not all because of them. It’s just the obnoxious assholes who think they’re funny and cool because they use a joke from a show to ostracize people. We all have South Park episodes we dislike. For me it’s the one making fun of goths, especially because goths don’t exist anymore, they’ve been replaced by emos, who are far superior! We can go from zero to depressive disorder in twenty seconds flat!
ROSS: And I dislike the episode where they say nigger two-hundred times.
RYAN: Do you really?
ROSS: No, not really. It’d be like getting angry at Mark Twain.
HUDSON: But Tom Sawyer didn’t get high with a towel.
ROSS: Wait, did you say your dentist made fun of you?
HUDSON: Yeah! He just got out of dentistry school so he’s young enough to be a South Park fan. He put me under once and when I woke up I was covered in holy water with a cross around my neck and a message written on my stomach.
(Hudson lifts up his shirt to reveal “LORD GIVE THIS BOY A SOUL :P” written on it)
RYAN: Wow. (He puts his shirt down) And I thought it was hard to be an emo.
HUDSON: You chose to be an emo, I can’t choose to be a ginger or not.
RYAN: I haven’t straightened my hair in like, two weeks, it’s just staying like this, so don’t say this isn’t natural!
(Joshua Higgins walks in)
JOSHUA: Ross, Michelle is here. She left her bow here and wants to look for it.
RYAN: Wait, Michelle Reed?
ROSS: Yeah, we were assigned to a project together in a class, she was over on Tuesday.
JOSHUA: Shall I frisk her?
ROSS: No, she’s not trying to kill me.
JOSHUA: Alright, I’ll bring her in, Rossworth.
ROSS: Sorry, my dad was in a gang in the early nineties, so he has a hard time trusting people.
HUDSON: I did not get the impression that he was ever in a gang.
ROSS: He seems like an Uncle Tom, but on the inside, he’s full metal Uncle Remus with a gun.
(Joshua comes in with Michelle)
MICHELLE: Oh. Hi Ryan.
RYAN: Hi Michelle.
MICHELLE: I won’t be long. (Michelle gets down to the ground and starts crawling around, looking while Hudson, Ross, Ryan and Joshua watch. Joshua leaves soon after. Michelle crawls further, she looks under the bed, then she looks under the desk and then she presses the eject CD button on Ross’ computer and it ejects the bow) Perfect!
(Michelle gets up and puts the bow on her hair)
MICHELLE: So, what are you guys doing?
RYAN: We’re venting our frustrations with Jacob.
MICHELLE: Really? What did he do?
RYAN: It’s what he didn’t do!
MICHELLE: What are you a bitter girlfriend?
RYAN: What are you a bitter ex-girlfriend?! Sorry.
RYAN: It’s just, Jacob didn’t stand up for me when his best friend was calling me a faggot and he was less than sympathetic to Ross in the face of Ross’ drug freak-out last night.
MICHELLE: Well, you guys aren’t the only people venting on this street.
HUDSON: What do you mean?
MICHELLE: After school Jacob’s always going to some guy down the street’s house. It’s really weird.
RYAN: Wait, are you saying Jacob is down the street right now?
MICHELLE: Yeah, I think so.
RYAN: Hmm…let’s see if we can get a little revenge, boys.
ROSS: Like that show!
RYAN: No, not like that show. We’re not rich emotionless white people.
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon and Evan sitting in the living room with Governor Shumlin and Senator Leahy)
MAYOR SARANDON: So, Senator, Governor, how is the rat race?
SENATOR LEAHY: I told you, I’m not going to bet on that, it’s weird.
(Pan out to see two rats rolling by in hamster balls. The one in the blue ball gets past the striped line first)
MAYOR SARANDON: Nice! Who had Percy?
GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: No one bet, Brian, be at peace with that.
MAYOR SARANDON: Fine. So, Senator Daschle and Mr. Brokaw should be here soon.
(The doorbell rings)
EVAN: I’ll get it!
(Evan gets up and opens the door to see Senator Daschle and Tom Brokaw)
SENATOR DASCHLE: It’s square dancing time!
EVAN: Yes, it’s all in here.
TOM BROKAW: It better be, I came here from Montana.
(They both walk in and everybody stands up. Mayor Sarandon walks over and extends his hand and shakes the hands of both Senator Daschle and Tom Brokaw)
MAYOR SARANDON: It’s a pleasure to meet both of you.
SENATOR DASCHLE: And also with you. Now let’s dance!
MAYOR SARANDON: Actually Senator, we’re going to have a nice dinner first.
(Ellen Alexander comes out of the kitchen with brownies on a plate)
ELLEN: I made brownies!
MAYOR SARANDON: Honey, that’s so sweet of you, but we respectfully decline.
ELLEN: That’s okay, I’ll save them for our sons Scott and Thurston!
EVAN: (Whispering) Okay, now you’re making up sons for you and her? And what kind of name is Thurston?
MAYOR SARANDON: (Whispering) Shut up. (Normal voice) Let’s go into the dining room.
(Cut to everyone seated at the dining table. There is meat and greens on every plate and a glass of wine beside every plate. Mayor Sarandon and Ellen are seated at the head of the table)
GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: You know, I remember you having a bigger house than this when hosted that Vermont Mayoral conference last year and invited me to speak. I also remember you being single.
MAYOR SARANDON: Ellen and I recently wed. And I have many houses, Governor, that’s why I’m a politician. Ellen and I thought this would be a cozy place for us and our two sons. In fact, SCOTT, THURSTON, GET OUT HERE!
(Scott and Preston come out of the back room)
SCOTT: Hi, dad!
PRESTON: Olah, padre!
EVAN: (Whispering) You hired an actor?
MAYOR SARANDON: (Whispering) He’s from the theatre arts program at Hansbay High. (Normal voice) Scott, Thurston, meet Vermont Governor Peter Shumlin, former Senate Majority leader Tom Daschle, Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy and award-winning journalist Tom Brokaw.
GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: Nice to meet you fine young men.
SENATOR DASCHLE: Very nice to meet you.
SCOTT: Hello, sirs.
PRESTON: Nice to meet you, Senators,Governors.
SENATOR LEAHY: Um, Thurston, are you adopted?
MAYOR SARANDON: We adopted him from Russia. Right Thurston?
PRESTON: (Russian accent) Ye, comrade, I come from Moscow.
TOM BROKAW: He didn’t have that accent before.
MAYOR SARANDON: You can take your leave now, Scott and Thurston, let the adults talk. (Scott and Preston leave) So, what to talk about?
SENATOR DASCHLE: How about we talk about the fact that you sent sand to us and caused a terrorism scare?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, let’s address that. Mistakes were made and I am launching an investigation into who sent that sand.
GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: It was you.
MAYOR SARANDON: Investigation concluded. Thank you, Governor.
SENATOR LEAHY: Brian, you’re the most lampooned Mayor in all of Vermont and this doesn’t look good for you, considering you’re under investigation for other crimes.
MAYOR SARANDON: I was simply trying to promote the 2024 Olympics in Hansbay, alright?
GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: There’s not going to be an Olympics in Hansbay in 2024, be at peace with that!
MAYOR SARANDON: Stop telling me to be at peace with shit! I am an ambitious young Mayor freshly re-elected by my people and I am going to make sure the IOC approves Hansbay as the destination for the 2024 Olympics, and I have four years to convince them before the IOC session in 2017. In pursuit of that, we have a special guest tonight. Please welcome International Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge live from Belgium via Skype!
(Evan turns on a projector and puts it in the middle of a table and connects it to a laptop with Jacques Rogge on it over Skype)
JACQUES ROGGE: (Belgian accent) Hello? Is this thing working? Is the audio all working?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, Count Rogge, everything is working.
JACQUES ROGGE: There’s no audio on your side, I can’t hear you.
MAYOR SARANDON: Goddamnit, is he muted?
(Evan looks at his laptop)
EVAN: No, he’s not.
JACQUES ROGGE: Wait, did you just ask Evan if I was muted?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes.
JACQUES ROGGE: Okay, then I do hear you, sorry, I thought what I heard before was my nephew in the other room.
MAYOR SARANDON: Wow, okay, anyway-
JACQUES ROGGE: I can’t see you guys.
MAYOR SARANDON: Can you see a bunch of white guys in suits sitting around a table, one of them has a huge nose and I have a hot wife?
JACQUES ROGGE: Yes, I can see that.
(Mayor Sarandon sighs)
MAYOR SARANDON: Then you can see us.
JACQUES ROGGE: Alright. So, what’s this about a problem with the 2016 games in Rio?
MAYOR SARANDON: That was all taken care of, listen, all of us would like you to consider possible locations for the 2024 Olympics. Namely, Hansbay, Vermont.
SENATOR LEAHY: That’s not true, only he wants that.
SENATOR DASCHLE: I came here for square dancing, Brian.
MAYOR SARANDON: You flew across the country for square dancing? Listen, I think convincing you, Mr. Rogge, to consider Hansbay for the 2024 games will convince these men to use their political capital to advance that cause forward. No American cities are being considered for the 2020 games and the 2016 games are already decided. This means that if we don’t have an American city host the 2024 games, by that time it’ll be twenty-eight years since the last American-hosted Olympics. Hansbay, Vermont is on the rise. We are a burgeoning city metastasizing our way into Shelburne and Addison and other cities on the outskirts of Burlington. We are a rising star in this state. Chicago failed in its bid for the 2016 games, yet the crime-ridden city of Rio De Janeiro got it. This is the time for Olympic commonality. Let’s hold the Olympics in a mid-sized city for once. We have low crime, great people and with enough funding, we’ll have the infrastructure for the Olympics by the year 2024. But we need that nod first that we’ll be seriously considered ahead of the IOC session five years from now. So, President Rogge, what do you say? Will you give the little guy a fighting chance? Will you sleep on it at least?
JACQUES: …Listen, I could sit here and tell you that I’m going to put your city’s name in the hat for the 2017 session, but in the end, it would be eliminated in the first round. I mean, Chicago was eliminated in the first round! There’s no way the infrastructure is going to be there in twelve years, your geographical infrastructure likely couldn’t handle all those people descending on your city, I mean, you have to know this is unfeasible!
MAYOR SARANDON: I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING! But you have to admit Mr. Rogge…this would be a success story worthy of Colin Firth playing the lead role if it were to be successful.
JACQUES: You think Colin Firth would play you?
MAYOR SARANDON: Either him or Bono. Listen, Lake Champlain is right there! The athletes could do their water sports on it, the water polo, expect there’ll be real drownings!
JACQUES: Lake Champlain could be beneficial…
MAYOR SARANDON: And if our infrastructure is really a concern, what if I call up Mayor Weinberger and Burlington and Hansbay bid for the Olympics together, like a Minneapolis-Saint Paul twin cities thing?
JACQUES: …Fine. Yes. If you can get Mayor Weinberger to agree, then I’d welcome your bid.
MAYOR SARANDON: YES!
(Evan gets up and high-fives Mayor Sarandon)
(Ellen hugs Mayor Sarandon, much to Evan’s chagrin and then Ellen hugs Evan)
MAYOR SARANDON: That’s right!
SENATOR DASCHLE: You still have to convince Mayor Weinberger, you know.
(Mayor Sarandon turns around)
MAYOR SARANDON: But until then, we drinkin’!
GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: You know, if we could actually get the Olympics, that would be really good. Good job, Mayor Sarandon.
MAYOR SARANDON: Thank you, Governor.
SENATOR LEAHY: Nice work.
MAYOR SARANDON: Thanks.
TOM BROKAW: Uh-oh, look!
(Pan over to the projected screen to see Jacques Rogge looking at the camera as if he’s surfing the web)
EVAN: Oh, damnit, he forgot to disconnect. JACQUES! DISCONNECT!
(Jacques starts jerking it)
JACQUES: Oh yeah, that’s right baby, disconnect! DISCONNECT!
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon, Evan, Governor Shumlin and Senator Leahy holding drinks in a circle talking at the Alexander household while music plays. In the other corner there is a group consisting of Senator Daschle, Tom Brokaw and Ellen)
SENATOR LEAHY: So then I introduced a bill that every single Senator supported and it didn’t go through unfortunately.
MAYOR SARANDON: That happens.
EVAN: I’m going to go to the bathroom.
(Evan walks away and goes into the bathroom)
MAYOR SARANDON: Ugh, I have to drain the main snake too.
GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: Two of the bathrooms are broken and Scott’s filming a music video review in the third one. You’ll have to wait for Evan.
MAYOR SARANDON: Fuck it, I’ll go in the backyard.
GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: Like a real Vermont boy!
(They all laugh and clink glasses. Mayor Sarandon then puts down his drink and walks outside. He goes over to a fence at the side of the house and takes his dick out of his pants and begins urinating. He finishes up and is about to put his dick back in his pants when Ellen stops him)
MAYOR SARANDON: Oh my Lord! (Ellen starts stroking him off) Oh! Oh my God…
ELLEN: Congratulations, Mr. Mayor.
MAYOR SARANDON: Thank you.
(She keeps jerking him off. Cut to Hudson at the side of the DePinto household dressing up as a UPS man while Ross opens a large box by cutting its tape. Ryan and Michelle are standing nearby)
RYAN: This is a pretty brilliant prank. It could end up on that MTV show hosted by that Jew and that fat guy from CollegeHumor. I could only imagine the frivolous banter they’d come up with about it!
MICHELLE: Well, Jacob deserves it.
RYAN: He really does. Anyway, could you hold the camera?
(Ryan takes out the camera and gives it to Michelle)
RYAN: Thanks, Michelle.
MICHELLE: You’re welcome, Ryan.
(They smile at each other and pan to Hudson in his fake UPS uniform and very convincing beard and Ross’ open box. Ryan climbs inside the box. Cut to Hudson wearing his UPS outfit and beard and dragging the very large package up to the DePinto household. He knocks on the door and General DePinto opens the door)
GENERAL DEPINTO: Oh, hi. I wasn’t expecting a package, especially one that big. They’re usually smaller packages, but considerably deadlier.
HUDSON: Well it might be an extra-large tube of decrepitude ointment, you senile old bitch!
GENERAL DEPINTO: I BEG YOUR PARDON?!
(Jacob walks to the door)
JACOB: What’s going on?
GENERAL DEPINTO: This little SHIT just called me a senile old bitch!
JACOB: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, I WILL MURDER IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD ABOUT NOAH! I WILL TIE YOUR BALLS TO THE STATUE OF LIBERTY’S TORCH AND MAKE YOU HANG FROM IT WHILE SHE JUDGES THE SIZE OF YOUR DICK!
(Ryan comes out of the package)
RYAN: You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me!
(Cut to black)
© Copyright 2016 NEONETWORK. All rights reserved.
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
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