The Donahues Episode 59

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
The characters of The Donahues contemplate their mortality on DOOMSDAY December 21, 2012, Ryan and Sarah start to wonder if their relationship is going anywhere, Kimberly is upset that she has to put her business on hold to help Ethan with his legal troubles and Jacob tries to get laid

Submitted: December 22, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: December 22, 2012









“There in the starless dark, the poise, the hover, there with vast wings across the cancelled skies, there in the sudden blackness the black pall of nothing, nothing, nothing -- nothing at all”

  • Archibald MacLeish


(We start with Ryan in bed, lying awake. He rolls over to look at his alarm clock and it says “11:59 PM DEC 20 2012”. It cuts back to Ryan, who blinks. Then cut back to the alarm clock which shows the time has changed to “12:00 AM DEC 21 2012”. “It’s the End of the World as we know it” by REM begins playing as it cuts to Ethan and Kimberly in bed together, holding each other tight. Cut to Sarah outside Ryan’s room. She knocks on it and Ryan comes out, hugs her and then brings her inside and shuts the door. Cut to Jacob at the side of the house smoking weed out of his pipe. Cut to Madeline and Oliver on Madeline’s apartment balcony. They are holding wine glasses and they clink them together to observe the doomsday prophecy. They laugh and drink. Cut to a close-up of Ethan cocking a shotgun in his pantry. Zoom out to reveal he’s in the pantry and there are many guns behind him, including assault weapons and handguns. Kimberly walks in)


KIMBERLY: Jesus, what is this?


ETHAN: It’s my emergency bunker!


KIMBERLY: This is our pantry!


ETHAN: If it protects us from a tornado it can protects us from the apocalypse.


KIMBERLY: We both know today is not Doomsday.


ETHAN: If the Mayans don’t kill us, a crazed madman with a shotgun will.


KIMBERLY: You’re holding a shotgun.


ETHAN: Yeah, well I have to stock up on guns so I can protect myself from all the crazed people with guns!


KIMBERLY: So, your solution to the gun problem in this country is more guns?


ETHAN: Yeah! Instead of disarming the insane, we should arm the sane and let them battle it out.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, if only those kids in Connecticut had guns.


ETHAN: I’m not saying that, I’m just saying there should be machine guns and sniper positions around all public schools ready to shoot any mad man, or mad woman, I’m not being biased-


KIMBERLY: I was fine with just mad man.


ETHAN: So they can shoot any mad person on the spot! That way we have fewer tragedies.


KIMBERLY: Right, or we could ban high capacity clips and assault weapons.


ETHAN: If that happens, how am I supposed to massacre deer or shoot up cardboard cut-outs of Adam Lanza, Jacob Tyler Roberts, Wade Michael Page, Jim Holmes, Jared Loughner, Nidal Hassan, Jiverly Voong-


KIMBERLY: Oh my God, that’s so many shooters! Does that not indicate that we might need gun control, mental health and security reforms?


ETHAN: Then I wouldn’t be able to buy more assault weapons to keep on my wall in the attic, so I could look at them in wonder!


KIMBERLY: So you’re going to oppose common sense gun regulation that might prevent a tragedy like the Sandy Hook shooting because you want to protect a hobby?


ETHAN: Well when you put it like that it makes me sound selfish!


KIMBERLY: That’s because I put it in English.


ETHAN: Ugh, just, never mind, okay? The apocalypse isn’t happening today, trust me.


KIMBERLY: I wasn’t concerned about that.


ETHAN: Good, because we’re going to New York City today.


KIMBERLY: Oh…really?


ETHAN: Yes, we have to meet with lawyers today, I told you over Snap Chat.


KIMBERLY: You shouldn’t communicate with me using messages that disappear after a few seconds and are used primarily to send pictures of genitalia.


ETHAN: I tattooed the message on my dick.


KIMBERLY: Ethan, I have a business meeting today.


ETHAN: Business meeting?  I thought I said you need to keep your business on hold until the judge sentences me to life in freedom!


KIMBERLY: I know, but it’s just a small time meeting with a potential client.


ETHAN: Kim, you need to know what to say when you testify on my behalf, we’re training you.


KIMBERLY: Well, can’t I just dress in a sweat suit and run up and down stairs to train for my testimony, why do we have to go all the way to New York?


ETHAN: This isn’t Rocky, this is Law and Order! Alright, hard justice!


KIMBERLY: Aren’t we trying to avoid justice? (Ethan mimics the Law and Order theme song with his mouth for a little while) …Right, that doesn’t really answer my question.


ETHAN: Just tell Rob and your potential client to enjoy their holiday and you’ll be able to deal with them in mid-January after my trial.


KIMBERLY: Fine…so we’re going today?


ETHAN: Yeah.


KIMBERLY: What about the kids?


ETHAN: What about them? It’s their last day of school before Christmas break and Ryan is taking exams and I think Jacob just has one class today. We’ll say goodbye to them before we leave.


KIMBERLY: Okay…what if the Mayans are right though?


ETHAN: Kimberly, come on.


KIMBERLY: Well, the world is going a little crazy, isn’t it? Mass shootings, North Korean rocket launches, Speaker Boehner is actually considering tax hikes, there’s a black Republican Senator from the South now, we sent troops to Turkey for some reason, you can’t go to a shopping mall, a place of worship, an elementary school or a fucking Build-a-Bear workshop without worrying about being shot, I mean, Newtown is just four and a half hours from here-


ETHAN: Kimmy, just calm down. Everything’s fine. We’ll hug the kids tight and we’ll drive the five hours to New York City and we’ll have a lovely dinner in the areas that haven’t been destroyed by Hurricane Sandy.


KIMBERLY: Why would you bring that up while you’re trying to comfort me?


ETHAN: Sorry.


(Cut to Ryan in front of the metal detector)


OFFICER PETERSON: Go through, please. (Ryan walks through the detector and it goes off) Remove the contents of your pockets. (Ryan takes out several razors in a baggie, plus a pocket knife and he takes off his studded belt) Why do you have these?


RYAN: Shaving…purposes. But the razors are for cutting myself.


OFFICER PETERSON: So you shave with the knife?


RYAN: Correct.


OFFICER PETERSON: Go back through.


RYAN: Will do.


(Ryan goes back through and it goes off again, he goes through it again and it goes off again)


OFFICER PETERSON: Anything else metal?


RYAN: Oh yeah. (He takes off his shoes to reveal the soles are studded. He hands them to the officer) Forgot about my studded shoes. (He goes back through and it clears him and then he walks through again) So…are you going to give me my stuff back?


OFFICER PETERSON: Absolutely not, this is the property of the school until you leave.


RYAN: What?! Come on, cut me some slack!


OFFICER PETERSON: Hey! I didn’t get assigned to this High School gig for disciplinary reasons to not enforce the rules!


RYAN: What did you do?


OFFICER PETERSON: I may have beaten up a black man for loitering, NEXT!


(Ryan walks over to a big group of students gathered around a list on the wall. Sarah is one of them. Ryan walks over to Sarah)


RYAN: Don’t you think this new security apparatus is a little much?


SARAH: I don’t care about the security asparagus right now, okay? I’m trying to see what piece of paper everyone is staring at. Why aren’t you wearing shoes?


RYAN: Oh, that’s a flier promoting a private show of my band, Depraved Hallway Fern. You can call us DHF if you want, which is appropriate anyway because DHF is also a new street drug that is sold at our shows.


SARAH: That sounds cool. I haven’t heard you guys play yet.


RYAN: Yeah, we’re playing Saturday night, if we’re all still alive that is, at a restaurant owned by Mallart Bond’s emo half-brother.


SARAH:  Holy shit, isn’t Mallart’s half-brother in Devil’s Niece?


RYAN: No, Mallart kicked him out because he kept trying to sell the band out to Burger King.


SARAH: Oh. Well, that’s still impressive.


RYAN: Yeah. You know, the band’s having practice after school today; you want to come watch us play?


SARAH: Sure, definitely.


RYAN: Awesome! I’ll see you after, Sar-bear.


SARAH: ‘Kay.


(Ryan and Sarah kiss and then walk their separate ways. Cut to Ryan in Mr. Pannell’s class, talking to Blake and Zach)


BLAKE: I’m going to get so drunk tonight to celebrate this phony Doomsday shit. I’m hosting a tongue-in-cheek Doomsday party.


ZACH: Yeah, I’m going to be there and we’re going to get so shitfaced and drive around so much that it might actually be the end of the world for us!


(Mr. Pannell comes in and goes to the head of the class)


MR. PANNELL: Good morning, class.


SOME CHICK: Is this a new desk?


MR. PANNELL: There is no such thing as a new desk.


RYAN: Yes there is.


MR. PANNELL: No, there is not.


RYAN: Yes there is, like, you think you’re saying something profound here, but you’re not.


MR. PANNELL: Ladies and gentleman. Today is a very unimportant day in the lives of all of you. As I’ve told you before, tests like this don’t matter. You should try hard at them, but even if you got a zero, you won’t remember it a couple years from now-what are you doing?


(Pan to some chick with an unlit cigarette in her mouth)


CHICK: I’m stressed! Okay, this test is stressing me out!


MR. PANNELL: Bridget, this is not worth getting stressed over, it’s not going to help you on the test, it will probably have a deleterious effect if anything-Ryan, what the hell?!


(Cut to Ryan at his desk cutting himself with a razor)


RYAN: I’m stressed too, okay?!


MR. PANNELL: How did you even get that past security?!


RYAN: It’s about hiding it under your tongue!


MR. PANNELL: Give me that! (Mr. Pannell takes the razor away from Ryan and throws it away) Everybody, you’ll be fine, it’s not the end of the world.


ZACH: Yes it is!


MR. PANNELL: Shut up, let’s just start the exam. (Mr. Pannell takes out a piece of paper and reads from it) “You are about to take your final exam for English III. Remember to place your back packs along with CD players, Game Boys and car phones.” How old are these instructions?


(Cut to Jacob walking out of school after his final exam. He sees Barbara sitting against the wall of the school, crying. Jacob walks over)


JACOB: Barbara, are you okay?


BARBARA: (Crying) Yeah, I’m…fine.


JACOB: You’re clearly not fine, what’s wrong?


BARBARA: I don’t know…I asked Scott if he wanted to get back together but he said that he has “better prospects”. So what, I’m not a good prospect? He’d rather bang some whore like Valerie!


JACOB: Well, Scott isn’t the best guy, alright? Don’t worry about what he thinks of you.


BARBARA: We dated for nine years!


JACOB: Wha-how old are you?


BARBARA: We started dating when we were both nine, we bonded in third grade about how Three Doors Down was overrated, you know, it was the early aughts, anyway we dated up until mid-October, but we remained friends! I thought at this point we’d be able to get back together, but he thought otherwise.


JACOB: You’ll be fine, okay? How about you come with me and we’ll talk about it at my house.


BARBARA: (Sniff) Really?


JACOB: Yeah, definitely. We seemed to have fun at the Thanksgiving party, right?


BARBARA: Yeah, until everyone started crying and your dad was arrested in the middle of the dinner.


JACOB: Nothing but a faux pas, just take my hand.


BARBARA: (Sniff) Okay.


(Barbara takes Jacob’s hand and Jacob pulls her onto her feet and they walk away. Cut to Jacob and Barbara walking through the front door of the Donahue household. Jacob closes the door behind him. Ethan and Kimberly walk over)


ETHAN: Hi Jacob. Oh, hi Barbara.


KIMBERLY: Hi, Barbara.




KIMBERLY: To what do I owe the pleasure?


ETHAN: Which is of course a polite way of saying what the hell are you doing here?


JACOB: Barbara’s very distraught over something, she required my ablation.


KIMBERLY: She required your removal of organs?


JACOB: I meant to say my abettal.


KIMBERLY: Oh. Well, when is Ryan getting back?


JACOB: He’ll be here at like, 11:45.


ETHAN: Okay, good. Meanwhile Kimberly, you can go explain to Rob and your client the sitch.


KIMBERLY: (Sigh) Fine.


(Kimberly walks into the computer room and Jacob and Barbara walk upstairs. Cut to Kimberly and Rob in the computer room, sitting across from each other)


ROB: So, the meeting’s still on for today at three?




ROB: I told Mr. Stolze to cancel his wedding anniversary dinner plans for this meeting, so we better really make it worth his while.


KIMBERLY: Wow, you shouldn’t have done that.


ROB: Why? Our prices will make his head go boom!


KIMBERLY: Rob, we have to suspend the operations of the business, at least until mid-January.




KIMBERLY: I’m going to have to travel to New York City a lot to meet with lawyers and plan our strategy for Ethan’s trial, I won’t have very much time to conduct business right now, I’m sorry.


ROB: But Kimberly, racquetball season is now! It’s good indoor sport for people to play in the winter! There are kids who want racquetball equipment for Christmas and schools who want to load up on racquetball equipment for the second semester! It’s prime juicin’ time Kimmy, think of the children!


KIMBERLY: I know it’s not an opportune time to put the business on hold, but-wait, what does “juicin’ time” mean?


ROB: We gotta milk this goat dry, Kimmy.


KIMBERLY: Wow, don’t use that imagery. Listen, I’m sorry,  I have to.


ROB: You don’t HAVE to do anything! Ethan wants you to hold off on the business so you can help save his ass.


KIMBERLY: I need Ethan here; I can’t raise four kids and pay for Madeline’s expenses on my own.


ROB: Are you counting me as a kid?


KIMBERLY: Well I did step on one of your toys last night.


ROB: That was a Tatooine Race Track set, okay?


KIMBERLY: So it was a toy then, especially since it was a toy from the episode rather than the episodes a 34-year old should like.


ROB: Episodes four, five and six were hard to follow, I don’t know, why weren’t they in order?


KIMBERLY: I have to go Rob, but don’t worry, we’ll start back up after Ethan’s acquitted.


ROB: And if Ethan goes to prison?


KIMBERLY: Then we’ll sell your body.


(Rob laughs. Cut to Ryan taking his test. He seems bewildered by a question. Cut to a close-up of the question. It reads as the following)


27. What was the book Huck Finn found in the dirt called?

A. Thomas Paine’s “Common Sense”

B. H20


D. All of the above

E. None of the below

F. C’mon, your uncle said this on your 12th Birthday

G. Mila Kunis

H. Are you okay? You look pale.


RYAN: …Fuck…


(Cut to Ryan walking out of the school. He sees Sarah waiting for him)


SARAH: Ryan!


RYAN: Sarah! (They hug and then unembrace) So, are you ready to see some serious carnage?


SARAH: No, but I’m ready to see my boyfriend’s band play.


RYAN: I’m thinking about naming our first album “carnage”, except spelled with a K.


SARAH: Every metal band does that.


RYAN: Fine, I’ll spell it with a D.


SARAH: Yeah, that’s better.


(Sarah and Ryan start walking towards the parking lot. Cut to Ryan walking into Scott’s garage to see Scott sitting behind the drums and Delaware passed out on the floor)


SARAH: Well, this seems to contain all the essential requirements of a modern metal band. By this rate you’ll all be dead in nine years.


RYAN: Is he okay?


SCOTT: Yeah, he just got too drunk during the exams.


RYAN: Have you been practicing?


SCOTT: No, I’ve just been sitting behind this drum set waiting for Delaware to wake up and for you to show up. Hi Sarah.


RYAN: You’ve just been sitting behind the drum set?


SCOTT: Yeah, sorry if I violated the “you can’t sit behind a drum set for two hours act” of 1998!


RYAN: Why are you getting defensive-?


SCOTT: Passed by the 105th Congress at the fruition of House Majority leader Dick Armey!


RYAN: What are you-


SCOTT: Good thing it didn’t get held up in committee, asshole!


RYAN: Can we just wake up Delaware so we can play a song for my girlfriend?




RYAN: This garage floor is really dirty, should we wash him or something?


SCOTT: You want to wash him?


(Michelle walks in)


MICHELLE: I’ll wash him!


SCOTT: Hi, Michelle.


RYAN: Oh, hi Michelle, what are you doing here?


MICHELLE: I came to see my boyfriend play.


RYAN: Oh, you and Delaware are still dating?


MICHELLE; Yeah, we had a frank discussion a week and a half ago and he concluded that I was overreacted and I shouldn’t have gained weight to test the mettle of our relationship.


RYAN: He concluded you overreacted?


MICHELLE: We concluded it.


RYAN: I see. Well I’m glad you got the weight off.


MICHELLE: It took vigorous exercise and Delaware was nice enough to do the bulimia part for me!




(Delaware gets up)


DELAWARE: What is happen?


RYAN: We’re playing a song for Sarah and I guess your girlfriend’s here too.


(Delaware gets up)


DELAWARE: Oh, okay. Hi Michelle. Ready to see some art?


MICHELLE: For sure.


DELAWARE: Alright! Let’s go Ryan.


RYAN: Okay, let’s do it! (Ryan goes up to the microphone and Delaware gets on his guitar while Scott picks up his drum sticks. They start playing their metal song) There in the jail cell a man lies, looking at the bottom of his inmate’s bunk and his inmate’s bunk bleeds through. Corrosive. Caustic. There’s a knife lodged in his throat, a knife that his inmate once did tote BEFORE HE STABBED HIM IN THE FUCKING THROAT ONCE, NOT TWICE AND HE KILLED HIM! THE GUARDS ARE COMING TO THE CELL AND THE SCENE LOOKS LIKE MASSIVE HELL BECAUSE HE, KILLED HIM! THE SIMPLEST HE COULD’VE DONE IT WITHOUT SMUGGLING IN A GUN, IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME BUT HAD NO REASON OR RHYME AND NOW HE’S DOING TWENTY-FIVE TO LIFE BECAUSE HE, KILLED HIM! OHHHHHHHHHHH! (The song finishes) That one’s not quite finished, but what did you think?


SARAH: Uh, it was good.


RYAN: What was with the hesitation? And the apathy? And the repressed critique?


SARAH: I said it was good.


RYAN: Good? It’s more than good.


SARAH: Fine, it’s more than good!


RYAN: Well this sucks. My own girlfriend doesn’t even like my music!


SARAH: Ryan, I didn’t say that, it’s just…it seemed like it had no message. Plus the drumming wasn’t great.


SCOTT: Would taking my shirt off help?


RYAN: What the hell Sarah, I thought you liked Christmas songs!


SARAH: How was that a Christmas song?


RYAN: He was stabbed with a candy cane.


SARAH: You didn’t mention that in the song.


MICHELLE: I thought it was good. (Sarah looks at her) Especially the uh, guitar playing.


RYAN: Sarah, let’s talk in private.


SARAH: Fine.


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah outside the garage)


RYAN: It kind of upsets me that you don’t like my band’s music.


SARAH: It’s nothing personal, Ryan.


RYAN: But music is personal. I use it to describe my life experiences.


SARAH: When did you stab a guy in the neck in prison?


RYAN: That symbolized the time I stabbed my aunt’s cat because she didn’t get me the Christmas present I wanted!


SARAH: Wha-what the hell is wrong with you?


RYAN: It upset me! I was like six. The cat was fine; they just had to put it down due to the severity of its injuries.


SARAH: Then it wasn’t fine!


RYAN: You don’t think I feel guilty about it to this day? That’s why I wrote a song about it.


SARAH: Fine.


RYAN: I mean, I appreciate your…wait a minute, what do you do besides watch seasons of “Kalisha-wa The Kung Tang Soldier” all day?


SARAH: Yeah, I watch a lot of that.


RYAN: Like, way too much.


SARAH: Anyway, when I’m not watching anime, which is rarely, I usually draw it! I bet you didn’t know that, did you?


RYAN: No, I didn’t, but that’s awesome! Let’s go see your drawings and then maybe I’ll show you another song.


SARAH: Okay, good.


(Ryan goes into the garage)


RYAN: Take a five, band! Sarah and I are going to her house to look at her drawings!


SCOTT: Also known as, Sarah’s going to buttfuck Ryan! OH!


RYAN: That’s not even possible and no we’re not going to have sex, just go get some Capri Suns in the fridge and we’ll be back. Be good.


(Ryan leaves. Cut to Jacob and Barbara on Jacob’s bed, talking)


BARBARA: I don’t know, it’s like; Scott always showed me these weird web comics and called me names of the characters from said web comics. The weird thing is they were usually the male characters.


JACOB: Listen, Scott clearly doesn’t know what’s good for him.


BARBARA: That’s true, he has a terrible diet.


JACOB: He needed more Vitamin B.


BARBARA: I guess, but the science on whether or not those work has not been conclusive.


JACOB: (Sighs) I’m saying he needs you.


BARBARA: …Ohh! I see.


JACOB: Yeah.




JACOB: But now it’s too late for him, I think. As painful as it is Barbara, eventually you have to move on.


BARBARA: That’s true. But I’m just so mad at him. I feel like…what if I just made him feel as betrayed as he made me feel, you know?


JACOB: Yes. I do know.


BARBARA: Like, he needs to feel my pain to understand it.


JACOB: Absolutely.


BARBARA: Sorry, am I boring you?


JACOB: No, not at all, justifying your actions in your own head is important.


BARBARA: Okay, thanks. I feel like, this might be the last day of my life if the Mayans were right, so I might as well make it count, right?


JACOB: Take as much time as you want with this.


(Barbara starts making out with Jacob and both of them start to remove clothing and they eventually become naked. Jacob and Barbara start having vaginal sex. Cut to Kimberly and Ethan parallel parked on the side of a street in New York City. Kimberly has her arms crossed and looks upset)


ETHAN: Alright, we should get out of the car.


KIMBERLY: Give me a split second!


ETHAN: I’ve given you a split hour! We’ve been sitting here for thirty minutes! Kimmy, we need to get to that meeting.




ETHAN: What is wrong?


KIMBERLY: Nothing.


 (Ethan and Kimberly get out of the car and start walking down the street)


ETHAN: New York City’s amazing, huh? My dad used to take me here every summer and we’d visit the Statue of Liberty together.  He would tell me, “six thousand men shed their blood to keep this statue erect.” And then I’d giggle at the word shed because it sounded similar to shit. Ah, to be a nascent child again. (Pause) When I was eight, my mom would bake me Jersey Pies and set them out on windows for me to lick. (Pause) At age fourteen I cleaned my first Hybrid. His name was Tori Spelling and he smelled like an old pair of loafers drying in the sun. (Pause) When I was only eighteen I won the 3rd grade spelling bee and the deli workers were so proud of me that they put a drawing of a dead rabbit on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.


KIMBERLY: Are these actual memories?


ETHAN: So you were listening?


KIMBERLY: Damnit, that was all to try to get me to talk?


ETHAN: It worked, didn’t it? What is wrong?


KIMBERLY: Nothing, I just don’t like how often we have to go to New York City. This place is depressing, so many homeless people.


(Ethan and Kimberly walk by some homeless people)


ETHAN: Hey, some people enjoy the view!


(A tour bus comes by with a speaker and various tourists on it)


TOUR GUIDE: And if you’ll look to your left, you will see the failure of America’s financial and welfare system!


(People snap pictures as the tour bus rolls on)


KIMBERLY: Well I don’t.


ETHAN: Kimberly, don’t worry, after the meeting we can get New York City bagels, New York City pizza-


KIMBERLY: I’m not that hungry.


ETHAN: Fine, we’ll get split the difference and get New York City bagel bites.


KIMBERLY: No, we can just leave after the meeting.


ETHAN: …Fine. Anyway, here’s the building. (They walk into a large building. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly in a conference room with a lawyer) Don’t worry, Kim, I’ve gotten us the most Jewish lawyer I could find.


KIMBERLY: He’s right there!


LAWYER: Hi, I’m Micah Schultz.




(Kimberly and Micah shake hands, as do Ethan and Micah)


ETHAN: So, we’ve already come up here a couple times to meet with lawyers and now we’ve narrowed it down to you. Show us what you got.


MICAH: Okay, well I graduated from Harvard Law School with a degree in law in 2009.


ETHAN: Are you orthodox, or…?


MICAH: Uh, no I’m reform.


ETHAN: Even better. No moral compass.


MICAH: I’m sorry?


KIMBERLY: He said no Mortal Kombat.


MICAH: Actually, I love that game! But I digress. We are really excited to represent you in this case.




MICAH: Oh my God, (smiles) I totally forgot. (He gets a red face) I’m so embarrassed!


ETHAN: Calm down, man. (Micah squeals) Jesus, what is it?


MICAH: I have a partner in law that will represent you. So you’ll have two lawyers!


ETHAN: Okay, where is he?


MICAH: SHE is outside. SUE, GET IN HERE!


(A beautiful woman with tanned skin walks in wearing a lady lawyer suit and Kimberly sees her and they immediately recognize each other)


KIMBERLY: Oh my God!


SUE: Oh my God!



SUE: Kimberly?


(Kimberly gets up)


KIMBERLY: I can’t believe it’s you!


(They hug and then they both sit down)


SUE: How are you?


ETHAN: Wait, you two know each other?


KIMBERLY: Yes, Sue and I went to High School together up in Boston.


SUE: I saw Kimberly Donahue on the paper and I thought “Wow, what if that was Kimberly Altmire and she got married or something?” and it totally was!


KIMBERLY: Yeah! (Laughs) That’s amazing. So you’re a lawyer huh?


SUE: Yeah.


KIMBERLY: Never would’ve guessed.


SUE: ..Really? Because I talked about wanting to become a lawyer all the time.


KIMBERLY: I remember you mentioning it.


SUE: I told you at a slumber party about how I had a crush on Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens, who was like 65 at the time.


KIMBERLY: Well, you also told me that Randy DeGette ditched you on your guys’ first date, so…


(Uncomfortable silence)


SUE: I told you that in confidence.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, I’m sorry.


SUE: I haven’t seen you in 27 years and you drop that bullshit on me? What is wrong with you?


KIMBERLY: I’m sorry, I just-I apologize, Sue. I…


ETHAN: Should I make a cat noise to relieve this tension?


MICAH: Go ahead.


(Ethan purrs)


KIMBERLY: Wrong cat noise.


ETHAN: Whatever.


SUE: …Anyway, who is your husband here?


KIMBERLY: This is Ethan Donahue, my namesake.


ETHAN: Nice to meet you.


(They shake hands)


MICAH: So let’s talk law.


ETHAN: Let’s.


(They start to talk law as Kimberly sits there, tuning them out. She looks embarrassed. Cut to Ryan and Sarah walking into Sarah’s room)


SARAH: You’ve never seen what I’m about to show you.


(Sarah kneels down, as does Ryan and Sarah opens up a chest full of anime drawings. Sarah takes one out and shows it to Ryan. It is a picture of an anime chick with a thought bubble coming from her head containing an anime chick dreaming of spring rolls)


RYAN: Wow. Nice.


SARAH: Yeah, originally I wanted it to be an anime chick thinking of an anime chick thinking of an anime chick, going on forever and ever, but that became exceptionally hard to draw so I just made the second anime chick think of-


RYAN: Spring rolls.


SARAH: Yeah, they love that shit.


RYAN: They do.


SARAH: So you really like it?


RYAN: Yeah, I do.


SARAH: Thank you. Here’s another one. (She grabs another one, this one depicts a ninja  on a laptop) I figured that ninjas have down time, they must do something with it.


RYAN: Right. Do you think they do it in their ninja outfit?


SARAH: Well, Elvis was wearing his jumpsuit when he died on the toilet, or so I’m assuming.


RYAN: Show me another one.


SARAH: Okay. (Sarah grabs a drawing of an anime emo kid with a kitten on his back) This one represents you and I.


RYAN: I’m the kitten, right?


SARAH: (Giggles) No, I’m the kitten. I drew this back in October when we first started dating.


RYAN: I like it.


SARAH: Thank you.


(Amy Blumenthal comes in holding a cup of coffee)


AMY: Hi, Ryman.


(Sarah and Ryan turn around)


RYAN: Hello, Ms. Blumenthal.


AMY: Honey, I was thinking about putting baked goods on the tree. Do you think you’d like that?


SARAH: Like, on the Christmas tree?


AMY: Of course sweetie.


SARAH: Uh, no, I think they would go bad quickly.


AMY: What if I froze them first?


SARAH: Then they’d thaw and go bad.


AMY: Okay. Well anyway I put a bucket of water on the door in case Santa comes in, so, be prepared for Christmas, Sarah!


(Amy smiles and leaves the room)


RYAN: She thinks you still believe in Santa?




RYAN: Why would she want you to believe that she would prank Santa and also why would Santa come through the front door?


SARAH: I don’t know.


(Cut to Delaware, Michelle and Scott in Scott’s garage)


SCOTT: Man, it could be our last day on Earth and we’re just wasting it waiting for Ryan and Sarah to come back?


DELAWARE: We should be out getting high like we already do every day.


SCOTT: No, I mean, we should be confessing our love to people and-


MICHELLE: Holding our family members tightly?


SCOTT: Not even the apocalypse could make me hug those assholes.


DELAWARE: When you say confess your love for people, do you mean Sarah?


SCOTT: No, Ryan and I worked it out and I’ve elected to back off from that. I don’t know, maybe I was too harsh with Barbara today. I should see where she is. Luckily I have Foursquare. (Scott logs onto FourSquare on his phone) Just so where she is there-SON OF A BITCH!




SCOTT: Sorry, it’s just loading slowly. Okay, here we go. Barbara is-SON OF A BITCH!

(Cut to Jacob and Barbara in Jacob’s bed after having sex)


JACOB: It was weirdly amazing when you took me from behind…I mean, where did you even learn that?


BARBARA: It was an old trick my dad taught me.


JACOB: Wait, what?


(Scott busts in)




(Jacob and Barbara jump up)


BARBARA: AH! Scott?! What are you doing here?!


SCOTT: What are YOU doing here?


JACOB: Scott, this is a big misunderstanding.




JACOB: We were…doing our impressions of people who just had sex, I don’t know, why do you care? You guys aren’t together and you said you weren’t interested in her!


SCOTT: Yeah, but…Jacob?! Really?


BARBARA: People said the same thing when I started dating you, bitch!


SCOTT: They said “but…Jacob?! Really?”


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah arriving back at Scott’s house to see nobody there)


RYAN: Where the hell are Delaware and Scott?


SARAH: I don’t know. They’re not in our immediate sight so they must not be here! It’s not like they could be inside or anything! This is great! I’m REALLY excited to go inside and look for Delaware and Scott! Ohh! (Pause) Too sarcastic?


RYAN: A little bit. But it doesn’t matter anyway, their cars aren’t here, they left.


SARAH: Fine, let’s just go to your house, I’d rather be there anyway.


RYAN: But I wanted to play another song for you!


SARAH: You can play it for me another time.


RYAN: But you don’t like my music!


SARAH: Yes I do! I was just being too critical before, your music’s good.


RYAN: And your art’s good.


SARAH: Thank you.


(There is a pause. Then Ryan hugs Sarah)


RYAN: Never leave me. Ever. Please.


SARAH: …Okay.


(The camera closes in on Sarah’s concerned face. Cut to Kimberly, Sue, Ethan and Micah walking down the hallway at the New York law office)


KIMBERLY: So listen, I’m sorry about before.


SUE: I appreciate that, I just-


ETHAN: HA! You’re a lawyer and your name is Sue. That’s funny.




SUE: Anyway, I appreciate that, I just still don’t know why-


KIMBERLY: Just, don’t give it a thought. I didn’t mean anything by it.


SUE: Okay, that’s fine, I guess.


MICAH: Ladies, ladies, it’s not the end of the world. Oh wait.


(Ethan and Micah laugh)


ETHAN: That’s a little bit of that Jewish humor coming out.


KIMBERLY: Listen, if you ever want to meet halfway in Schenectady for drinks, we could definitely do that. Or just when Ethan and I are in New York, we could catch up.


SUE: I think we’ll be seeing a lot of each other anyway because of the impending criminal trial thing.


KIMBERLY: That’s…true.


(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly in the car)


KIMBERLY: She thinks she’s better than me because she became a lawyer? I can saw a phone book in half!


ETHAN: You mean you can rip a phone book in half?


KIMBERLY: No, are you kidding me? That’s fucking hard.


ETHAN: Look, you don’t need to be jealous of her success, she never found anyone to love and she’s alone. You have something better than success; you have the best husband on Earth.


KIMBERLY: …That’s true. But success would also be nice.


ETHAN: Not everyone succeeds, Kim. But no one dies alone.


KIMBERLY: That’s not true.


ETHAN: It is true, they have Jesus in their heart. He’s a good tenant, he pays his rent and he doesn’t stay up past one.


KIMBERLY: Oh my God, I’m going to have a heart attack if I keep having to go to New York City. You got yourself into this mess, what obligation do I have to get you out?


ETHAN: Kim, I’m your husband and we have three kids, that’s your fucking obligation!


KIMBERLY: Fine, but I can’t do anything to further my own agenda, it’s always about your agenda!


ETHAN: I said I was sorry for putting you in this position, but-


KIMBERLY: But what?! After you avoid justice, what lesson are you going to learn?


ETHAN: To never put myself or my family in this kind of predicament again!


KIMBERLY: Well good luck with that if you ever work for Sarandon again!

ETHAN: I pledge to you, Kim. I am never working for Brian Sarandon again. He’s seeing his lawyers, I’ve got mine. We’ve got teach other’s backs, but we’re not ever working together again.



(Ethan slams on the brake. Cut to Scott sitting on a chair at the side of Jacob’s room while a hastily clothed Jacob and Barbara sit on the bed nearby)


JACOB: So…are you going to say anything?


SCOTT: I guess I’ll ask why you would have sex with my ex-girlfriend.


JACOB: Um, I don’t know, she’s hot and it’s the end of the world.


SCOTT: It’s not the end of the world, man.


JACOB: Dude, I saw a bright light last night in the sky falling down, I could’ve sworn it was an asteroid but it turns out it was just a plane.


SCOTT: How does that prove your point? Listen, I suppose this is none of my business.


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah walking past Jacob’s door when Ryan stops after hearing Scott)


RYAN: (Whispering) Wait, I think I just heard Scott.


SARAH: (Whispering) Why would Scott be here?


RYAN: (Whispering) Let’s listen in.


SARAH: (Whispering) You know, I think there’s a lot of pressure on Scott to really bring things full circle-


RYAN: (Whispering) Why are you commentating, just listen!


(Cut to Scott)


SCOTT: I don’t know, it’s like, we had such a connection for almost a decade, but then Vyvanse came along and fucked everything up. But I was afraid to break off the relationship myself because I was afraid of being alone because I hadn’t been alone since I broke up with the last girlfriend I had when I was eight.


JACOB: How hard could that break-up have been?


SCOTT: She broke up with me at the swing set! That’s where I lost my eye contact virginity! But now I act like I don’t care about my ex-girlfriend but I’m here yelling at some stoner asshole for screwing her.


(Cut back to Ryan and Sarah)


SARAH: (Whispering) Oh my goodness, Jacob plowed Barbara?!


RYAN: (Whispering) Wow, don’t say plowed. But yes it does appear that way, Sarah.


SARAH: (Whispering) Why are we even listening to this? Let’s just go in your room.


RYAN: (Whispering) Fine.


(Sarah and Ryan go into Ryan’s room)


SARAH: We’re not like the emo version of Scott and Barbara, are we?


RYAN: No, we’re like the emo version of Abbott and Costello or Jake and Amir, or Bush and Gore.


SARAH: You mean Bush V. Gore?


RYAN: Gore Vidal?


SARAH: You’re getting further away from it, just stop avoiding the question and answer it, are we like Scott and Barbara? Are you too afraid of being alone again that you’ll sweep our problems under the blanket?


RYAN: What problems? You said you like my music.


SARAH: And I do! I mean, once I found out the message.


RYAN: Yeah, and now all is well. So let’s go and ride my dog.


SARAH: Okay, then you haven’t learned the lesson of how to treat animals after you killed your aunt’s cat.


RYAN: Riding and stabbing are two very separate things, alright? I should know, I once stabbed a horse.




(Cut to Jacob, Barbara and Scott)


BARBARA; This is so fucked. Both of you are assholes. Jacob took advantage of me in a time of weakness and Scott rejected me and freaked out over me banging someone else in the same day. Where do guys get the nerve?


JACOB: The nerve is actually a dorsal artery running up our shaft.


SCOTT: Yeah.


BARBARA: So, any remorse, gentlemen?


JACOB: …I’ll go first. I’m sorry I took advantage of you. I just…my girlfriend broke up with me two months ago and I didn’t want to spend my last day on  Earth not having had my D wet for the last sixty plus days.


BARBARA: And you, Scott?


SCOTT: I’m…I’m sorry I acted like I didn’t want you and then acted insanely jealous on the same day.


BARBARA: Okay, great.


SCOTT: I have to go back and catch up with my band. Plus, Delaware is still in the car. (Jacob, Barbara and Scott walk out the door when they hear Ryan and Sarah arguing in Ryan’s room) Oh, I guess they’re here. 


(Scott knocks on the door. Cut to them arguing)


SARAH: So do you even like my drawings?!

RYAN: Of course, they belong in museums next to the fucking Mona Lisa and the Dalai Lama, but you don’t appreciate my music!


SARAH: Yes I do, but you just want to mope over Michelle all day!


RYAN: Well she would be pretty fucking proud of me, wouldn’t she? Considering I’m off drugs and I have a band that I thought was awesome until you said you didn’t understand the “message”!


SARAH: Yeah, but then you explain it to me, so I said “fine”!


RYAN: Well you know what my band’s message is brought to you by Burger King! Okay? I’m going to sell out to them because you don’t believe in me!


SARAH: Don’t even threaten that!


(Scott knocks on the door again)




(Scott comes in)


SCOTT: Sorry to interrupt your discussion, but we thought it might be beneficial, considering everything that’s happened today, to just go back to Scott’ house and play some music.


RYAN: …Okay.


SARAH: Yeah, that’s probably best.


SCOTT: Cool.


JACOB: Shotgun!


SCOTT: You’re not coming, Jacob.


JACOB: I’m going to hold down the fort then.


BARBARA: Yeah, hold it down.


JACOB: I will, in fact, I’m going to read doomsday related Facebook posts. (Ryan and Scott get up as Jacob takes out his iPhone) Right here, Trey Goodlatte posted “OMG doomsday’s not happening, so that means I have to see my girlfriend again. LOL.” He goes on to say “My girlfriend is so annoying LOL maybe an asteroid would solve it. I’m JK baby love ya. But not that much. LOL I’m JK. Now I still gotta get he a present though-“ Wow, this is getting a little wordy.


(Ryan, Scott, Sarah and Barbara leave. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly getting out of their car in the middle of the road to see a middle-aged woman dressed in a purple dress laying down in front of their car)


ETHAN: What the hell are you doing?! You could’ve gotten yourself killed!


KIMBERLY: I don’t think she accidentally took a nap in the middle of the road, Ethan; she was just trying to kill herself!

ETHAN: Yeah and leave some fucking stranger with a guilty conscience for the rest of their life, what the fuck is wrong with you?


WOMAN: I can’t go on. I just can’t. Just run me over.


ETHAN: NO! Absolutely not! Get the hell out of the road.




ETHAN: Okay, Kimberly, help me lift her up.


(Ethan grabs her legs and Kimberly gets her shoulders and they lift her off the road and set her down on the side of the road)


KIMBERLY: We’re going to call the police. (Kimberly takes out her phone) Okay?


WOMAN: Do what you must. Just know that I’m not doing this because of the doomsday theory.


KIMBERLY: I’ll take not of that.


(Kimberly dials 911 into her phone. Cut to Ryan, Scott and Delaware on Scott’s garage on their instruments while Michelle, Barbara and Sarah watch)


RYAN: This next song is not ours, but it’s one of our favorites from Incubus. Let’s do it!


(They start playing “Warning” by Incubus. Cut to Sarah watching it, seeming to enjoy it. Cut to Jacob on his phone. He looks at a text he sent Roger at 4:15 PM reading “Hey what ru up to?”. He then looks at the current time, 4:35. He then takes on an anxious expression.  Cut to Kimberly waking in the morning, to see Ethan not in bed with her. She looks at her alarm clock and it reads “12:22 PM SAT DEC 22 2012”. Cut to her image googling “Sue Farenthold” and finding numerous pictures of Sue in various lawyer poses. Cut to Ryan and Sarah standing in Hansbay Town Center at night time, not sure what to say to each other. Cut to Jacob watching a special on the Discovery channel entitled “WHY THE 2012 DOOMSDAY THEORY IS RIDICULOUS AND WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF IT’S TRUE” and cut to Jacob being terrified. Cut to Rob playing racquetball with himself in the backyard. He hits the racquetball against a fence and it bounces back and strikes him in the head, causing him intense pain.  Ethan walks into the backyard and goes over to Rob and picks him a racquet and offers to play with him. Rob agrees and they begin playing backyard racquetball. Cut to Kimberly watching them from the window. Cut to Sarah in her room at a desk looking at anime pictures she drew of a kitten on Ryan’s back, Brandon’s back and Logan’s back. She bites her lip. Cut to Ryan up late trying to write a song on his laptop. He writes the title, “Sarah, my one and only”, but quickly backspaces it and replaces it with “That was fucking stupid” and then Ryan puts his head in his hands. As the song ends, cut to Kimberly looking at a business card reading “Dale Stolze, CEO, Total Gym Land”. She looks at it for a while and then takes out her phone to dial a number. Fade to black)



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