“A VERY KRAMPUS CHRISTMAS”
“Sleigh bell’s jinglin’, ring ding dingalin’ doo…c’mon, it’s lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you! Outside, the snow is falling and friends are calling you…c’mon, it’s lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you!”
(We start with Mayor Sarandon standing in front of the Mayor’s office at night while the Hansbay High Choir, which includes Preston, Natasha and Kirsten, sings “Holy Night” on the steps leading up the Mayor’s Office building. Principal Maxell and the theatre teacher are also standing nearby, as well as Evan Alexander)
CHOIR:Silent night! Holy night! All is calm all is bright Round yon virgin mother and child Holy infant so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace! Sleep in heavenly peace! Silent night! Holy night! Shepherds quake at the sight Glories stream from heaven afar! Heavenly hosts sing Hallelujah Christ the Savior is born! Christ the Savior is born! Silent night! Holy night! Son of God love's pure light Radiant beams from thy holy face With the dawn of redeeming grace, Jesus, Lord at thy birth, Jesus, Lord at thy birth.
(Everybody applauds as Mayor Sarandon walks up to a podium in front of the choir and lifts up the microphone)
MAYOR SARANDON: What a beautiful rendition ofSilent Night, my favorite Carrie Underwood original. Let’s give it up one more time for the Hansbay High choir! (Everybody applauds on more time) Now, Christmas is a festive time of year where Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists and even Mormons gather to celebrate the birth of their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He was born 2,012 years ago in the town of Bethlehem in what is now Palestine and yet for whatever reason he was a Caucasian man. Since then every year we have celebrated the birth of Christ and His message of a life devoted to piety and free from vapid materialism and we do it by giving each other stuff. Stuff that many times we nearly kill each other over. It’s quite beautiful, really. Anyway, we will now pray to God, the man, yes, the MAN who breathed life into the universe and into every single one of our souls. Bow your heads, please. (Everybody bows their heads. Cut to the crowd in front of the Mayor’s office, which includes Ethan, Kimberly, Ryan, Jacob, Madeline, Michelle, Brennan, Michael, Sarah, Scott, Delaware, Brandon, their respective parents and many other familiar townspeople) Dear Lord, may you bless the town of Hansbay, Vermont during this heavenly time. May you bless every single soul contained within the borders of our town. I know you may be asked at this time to bless surrounding towns, but don’t. Shelburne, Vermont is a dick. Lord, thank you for allowing the Patriots to win last night after that embarrassing loss against the San Francisco 49ers. Tell Tom Brady to stay pretty. In conclusion, we thank you for your divine light amongst the copious amount of darkness that has far too often lately impinged all of our lives. Thank you. (Everybody lifts their heads up, as does Mayor Sarandon) Merry Christmas, everybody!
(A man comes out of the crowd)
MAN: Not so fast, Doctor Sarandon!
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m not a super villain!
MAN: I’m from The Alliance of Vermont Atheists, and I believe that the nativity scene over there is a violation of the separation of church and state and we are going to fight tooth to nail, to have it taken down!
ETHAN: Are you serious?!
MAN: Quite, sir.
KIMBERLY: You know what? This man’s right! This is a blatant endorsement of one religion over another by the City of Hansbay!
MAN: Thank you, ma’m.
ETHAN: Kimmy, are you serious? I mean, how petty is this?
MAN: I’m sorry?
ETHAN: Are you apologizing for how petty this is?
MAN: No, sorry, my name’s Todd Petty.
ETHAN: That’s an unfortunate last name for you.
TODD: Professor Sarandon, you and your cat will be pleasantly surprised when I wake a judge up out of bed and make him rule on this matter on or even before Christmas day so you can’t have your precious Nativity Scene!
MAYOR SARANDON: Stop talking to me like I’m a super villain, also I don’t have a cat to stroke evilly, okay? Listen, just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean it’s not constitutionally allowed to be there.
ETHAN: You know what? This is ridiculous! I’m going to fight to keep that nativity scene up through Christmas!
EVAN: So am I!
AMY BLUMENTHAL: Me too! Me three!
ETHAN: Amy apparently wants to keep it up twice. Sarandon, you in?
MAYOR SARANDON: I have shit to do!
(Mayor Sarandon walks away suddenly)
ETHAN: …Alright, that was weird.
(Cut to Ryan, Scott, Sarah and Delaware talking after the ceremony)
RYAN: This promotional idea is going to own hard.
DELAWARE; It combines the fun of scaring children with…Christmas!
SCOTT: Plus we’re promoting our songs, which you can purchase on iTunes for ninety-nine cents!
SARAH: I will be sure to purchase them all.
RYAN: She won’t like them, but she’ll damn sure buy them.
SARAH: I’ll like them, I’ll like them, I’ll like them!
RYAN: Okay, calm down.
(Brennan walks over)
BRENNAN: Hey Ryan. What are you guys up to?
RYAN: It’s Christmas Eve, so as a way to promote the songs our band just released on iTunes, we’re going to terrorize the town dressed as Krampus.
BRENNAN: Krampus? Is that the demon that visits Sarah once a month?
RYAN: No, it’s the Nordic legend of the demonic figure who follows Saint Nicholas around while he distributes presents. If Santa deems a Nordic boy as naughty, Krampus flogs them with branches and/or sticks! It’s a way more badass tradition then wasting precious coal resources on sniveling little shits!
BRENNAN: What do you guys have in mind when it comes to terrorizing the town?
RYAN: Monte first off, spread a flier warning of Krampus and his numerous henchman terrorizing the town and also advertising our songs on iTunes. It’s kind of like those ads on milk cartons for that band called “Missing”.
SCOTT: I’m sorry, what?
RYAN: Yeah! It’s like the lead singer is different every time, I mean come on, give me some consistency with my morning cereal!
BRENNAN: Anyway, can I join in your Krampus-tivities?
RYAN: Sure. We’re all going to go to my house to suit up.
BRENNAN: Awesome, I’m coming with you.
(They all exit stage left. Cut to a dark room. A door is open revealing the shadow of General DePinto. He opens it completely and quietly creeps in. He walks over to a crib)
GENERAL DEPINTO: Shhh…are you hungry? (Cut to reveal an AR-15 under covers in the crib with a pacifier in the barrel) You look hungry, babers. (He picks up the AR-15 and loads it. He then rocks it back and forth and sings) I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free… (Jacob looks through the window and taps on it, looking perplexed. DePinto turns his head around and then puts the gun in the crib) Love you.
(He then walks out of the room and goes to the front door and opens it to see Jacob)
JACOB: Were you cradling a gun like a baby?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Were you cradling a baby like a gun?!
JACOB: Are you deflecting or accusing me of something?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Yes.
JACOB: I brought you a (takes out a coffee bean candle) coffee bean candle! I made it myself.
GENERAL DEPINTO: What do you think my house stinks?
JACOB: Wow, really neurotic.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Although my house does smell a little bit like gun baby formula, anyway, come in.
JACOB: ‘Kay. (Jacob walks in and DePinto and him go into the living room where they both sit down) So, what are you doing for Christmas?
GENERAL DEPINTO: I was thinking of spending it with my cousin Jack.
JACOB: Oh, okay. That’s nice.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Also my daughter Hennessey and my friend comedian Yakov Smirnoff.
JACOB: Oh, I get it.
GENERAL DEPINTO: My Aunt Schnapps and my niece rum balls.
JACOB: That’s a pretty name. But yeah, I get it.
GENERAL DEPINTO: What do you want me to say, man? Christmases have been mighty lonely in the DePinto family for some time, unfortunately.
JACOB: You need to get out there, General. Maybe meet a nice lady, get to know her, you guys won’t even have to meet on OurTime.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Trust me, I’ve tried. All roads lead to the milk and cookies.
JACOB: Is that a phrase? Listen, I heard Sarandon is having a Christmas bonanza tonight. They call it the mildest fun you’ll have in the Hansbay area for the next four hours.
GENERAL DEPINTO: I don’t go much for the party scene.
JACOB: I’m pretty sure that gun had a pacifier in it.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Fine, fine, I’ll go.
(Cut to a judge in bed, wearing his robe. His phone rings on his bedside table. He picks up his gavel and puts it to his ear)
JUDGE MCGLYNN: (Half-asleep) Hello? (The phone rings more and Judge McGlynn puts down the gavel and picks up the phone) Hello?
ETHAN: (On the other line) Your honor, could you settle a dispute that is time sensitive?
JUDGE MCGYLNN: (Half-asleep) You’re out of order…
ETHAN: Pardon? (Judge McGlynn hangs up the phone, slams his gavel and goes back to sleep. Cut to Ethan on the phone hearing the dial tone) Damnit. I’ll have to do this the hard way. (Ethan turns around and the camera pans to Evan and Amy) Sorry guys, the judge is half-asleep. We have to do this the hard way.
EVAN: Well, I work for the Mayor so that should be an asset to our cause.
AMY: I say we switch the nativity scene characters, maybe Joseph is being born! Then the atheists won’t know!
(Ethan runs his hands through up his face and through his hair. Cut to Ethan, Evan and Amy walking up to Judge McGlynn’s house. The house has a lot of wind chimes hanging off of it, making a lot of noise)
ETHAN: Wow, a lot of wind chimes.
EVAN: How does he sleep through all this?
AMY: Shh! Guys! He can’t hear us!
ETHAN: It’s already really loud, Amy.
(Evan knocks on the door. His wife opens the door wearing a nightie)
WIFE: Can I help you? It’s Christmas eve.
EVAN: Hello ma’m, I’m from the Mayor’s office. We’re sorry to bother you at such hours but-oh my God, can you take down the wind chimes?
WIFE: Come in, fellas. (They all walk in. Cut to them in the kitchen) Sorry, what can I do for you gentlemen?
ETHAN: We need your husband to mediate a dispute that is time sensitive.
WIFE: Are you guys asking him to get another guy off death row? Because I know him, he could do it in his sleep.
EVAN: No, we need him to rule on whether the Hansbay City Hall nativity scene is allowable under the first amendment.
WIFE: Well…I suppose I could wake him from his slumber. Sometimes he overrules, but I’ll try my utmost.
(The wife walks away. Cut to Ryan, Scott, Delaware, Sarah and Brennan in Ryan’s room. They are all dressed as Krampus except for Sarah)
RYAN: Let’s put up these fliers like we’ll never fly higher. (Pause) Sorry.
DELAWARE: We should get started before we have competition.
SARAH: Who else is doing this?
(They all get notification sounds on their phones and they all pick up their phones and look at them)
ALL OF EMS: HOLY GHOST!
DELAWARE: Do you see this even?
RYAN: Yeah, Blood on the Bar Scene?! Those faggots bring shame to emo music and not the good kind!
SARAH: I like them.
(They all groan)
RYAN: Of course you do. You’re the kind of fangirl they want to attract with their wiles and their fake-ass post-hardcore pre-alternative emo metallic apocalyptic emo indie post-pop indie pop post tango!
SARAH: They’re only bad if you read too much into them.
SCOTT: I feel like I’m not privy to all this, but, I’d like to teach some stupid band a lesson!
SARAH: What are they even doing?
RYAN: Word on the street says they’re promoting their iTunes album that was just dropped. And we’re going to make sure it drops off the fiscal cliff.
SCOTT: You don’t know what that is do you?
RYAN: It was trending on Twitter!
DELAWARE: How are we going to do that though? They already have a fan base in Vermont and the greater New England area.
RYAN: We’re going to put up the most fliers this town has ever seen in their lives! We must beat this atrocity upon emo kind!
SARAH: Well, I like that band, but you’re my boyfriend, so I guess now I’m a furny.
SCOTT: Ooh, you don’t want to say that.
RYAN: You can look it up later. Let’s go!
(Cut to a montage set to one of DFH’s songs. Ryan is seen dressed as Krampus marching through the neighborhood whacking sticks upon the ground while children dash for their lives. He then puts up a flier reading “NEED EMO ROCK? WHY NOT DEPRAVED HALLWAY FERN? BUY OUR SHIT ON ITUNES, 99 CENTS OR DIE”. Cut to Brennan in a Krampus costume going up to a house and putting fliers on that, three or five. Cut to Scott and Delaware posting fliers on a fence. Nearby, they see a dear. They get excited at the sight of the deer and creep closer. Then, Delaware posts a flier on the deer and it then runs away and Scott and Delaware high-five. Cut to Ryan hiding in a bush with Brennan. Nearby children are making a snowman and they put the carrot where the nose should be. Then, Ryan and Brennan pop out and throw fliers around and scream, causing the children to run away. Then they take the carrot out and stab the snowman’s head with it. They then post fliers all over the snowman and splatter fake blood on him and they write “OW MY BRAIN! WHY DID YOU DO THAT? I’M JUST A JOLLY SNOWMAN!”
BAND MEMBER: The hell are you emo faggots doing?”
BAND MEMBER 2: Yeah, I was about to murder that snow man!
RYAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You think this is your coffee bean, maybeline? We RUN this city!
BAND MEMBER: That’s weird, because I’ve never heard of you guys.
RYAN: Well we stabbed a snowman with his own nose and then posted our fliers all over him, so maybe familiarize your bad self, because a new sheriff’s in town.
DELAWARE: What are you guys’ names even?
BAND MEMBER: I’m Thrush and this is Veejay. We are Blood on the Bar Scene.
SCOTT: Isn’t thrush a parasitic fungal disease of the mouth?
DELAWARE: That’s fitting, actually.
THRUSH: It’s named after the bird, asshole! And listen, we have our New Year’s tour coming up so we don’t need you homo fags fagging up our bar scene! That’s reserved for blood!
RYAN: You know by calling us fags you’re basically cannibalizing your own culture! That’s not how real emo bands play it, Thrush.
RYAN: Here’s the game plan. Whoever gets the most downloads on iTunes by Christmas day at 5PM wins!
THRUSH: Wins what?
RYAN: The affection of mousey pseudo-scene fan chicks with mommy problems!
VEEJAY: Don’t you dare take that away from us. I value that more than my Harvard degree.
SCOTT: Are you fucking kidding me?
RYAN: It’s on.
(Ryan and Thrush shake hands. Cut to General DePinto and Jacob walking into the Mayor’s office. Jacob is wearing a cool, casual plaid shirt with a jacket, jeans and DC shoes while DePinto is wearing a light blue blazer with the sleeves rolled up, a bandana in his hair, acid wash jeans and old Air Jordans)
JACOB: You really should’ve put on better clothes, but it’s not my hay ride, DePinto.
(They walk into the building and are going down a hallway)
GENERAL DEPINTO: I haven’t gone to a party since the 80s, okay?
JACOB: Fine, but why the Air Jordans?
GENERAL DEPINTO: When I was packing for the Gulf War, my black friend and I switched shoes by accident. We also ended up doing a Parent Trap thing with an old General.
JACOB: Why would you need Air Jordans for war-you know what, let’s just get in the elevator.
(Jacob presses the button and the doors open and they both walk in. The elevator goes up to the second floor and they get out to see Mayor Sarandon, his staff and some of the local citizenry)
JACOB: Let’s find you a date.
(Mayor Sarandon walks over to them)
MAYOR SARANDON: Well if it isn’t Jacob Donahue. For the win!
JACOB: Don’t try to be cool.
MAYOR SARANDON: Sorry. How’s your dad?
JACOB: He’s in trouble, like you are.
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m good too. Who’s this fine fella?
GENERAL DEPINTO: I’m General Noah DePinto, sir.
MAYOR SARANDON: Really? Because I thought you were Rick Astley!
GENERAL DEPINTO: It’s been a while since I hit the cocaine scene.
MAYOR SARANDON: Why do you think there’s cocaine here?
GENERAL DEPINTO: It’s the 80s, man.
MAYOR SARANDON: (Laughs) Well, just enjoy yourselves.
(Mayor Sarandon walks away)
JACOB: Nice save. Now use that guile and wit and go hit on Mayor Sarandon’s cute secretary.
(Pan to Maria sitting at her desk drinking alone with her glasses hanging out of her mouth and a dead fern on her desk)
GENERAL DEPINTO: Wish me. (DePinto walks over) Hello, there.
MARIA: Hi. What’s your name?
GENERAL DEPINTO: I’m Noah. What’s your job?
MARIA: Um, I’m Mr. Sarandon’s secretary.
GENERAL DEPINTO: That’s pretty hip. I was in Desert Storm, and being a soldier is kind of like being a secretary. I filed stuff. I filed bullets into people, alphabetically. I got it all done before lunch time. How do you feel about radiation?
(Jacob pulls him away from her)
JACOB: Okay, wrong strategy. Don’t try to pander to them and definitely don’t do anything involving radiation.
GENERAL DEPINTO: It’s not that much radiation.
JACOB: No radiation, okay? Be confident, funny and smart. Don’t get too graphic about the war. Alright, here we go, right over there is Edna Sanford, recent divorcee of Norman Sanford, go over there and hijack some recently divorced poon, general!
GENERAL DEPINTO: Yes sir! (General DePinto walks over to Edna Sanford) Hello, Mrs. Sanford.
EDNA: Oh, hi, do we know each other?
GENERAL DEPINTO: No, I learned your name from a friend.
EDNA: I see. So who are you?
GENERAL DEPINTO: I am Noah. But not the one who split the seas.
EDNA: That’s Moses.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Indeed it is.
EDNA: Are you from around here?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Born and raised in Vermont by way of being raised mostly in a combination of military bases in Maine, Virginia and Kentucky.
EDNA: Wow, that’s fascinating. Were you in war?
GENERAL DEPINTO: The only war I fight is the war to know myself.
JACOB: Trying too hard!
EDNA: Did that young man just yell “trying too hard” at us?
GENERAL DEPINTO: I think he yelled “where’s your man card”? And I will respond to his query thusly. I have many bullets.
(Erica Reed walks over)
ERICA: Excuse me, Emilio Estevez, but this isn’t Molly Ringwald, so President Reagan has declared you a Soviet and has ordered that you leave.
(Eric, Edna and other surrounding adults laugh, which makes General DePinto walk away, over to Jacob)
GENERAL DEPINTO: My moment was commandeered by that woman; I had her on the ropes!
JACOB: You didn’t really, though. Why do you always have to bring up weapons?
GENERAL DEPINTO: I brought up bullets, those aren’t weapons, you try to throw a bullet at somebody it’d be like throwing a corn flake.
JACOB: Just calm down. Breathe.
(Mayor Sarandon walks over)
MAYOR SARANDON: Hey fellas, what’s going on?
JACOB: I don’t know sir, we’re trying to get General DePinto here a date.
MAYOR SARANDON: But he looks like the video that killed the radio star.
JACOB: That’s kind of what they were using against him.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, don’t mind them, they’re a bunch of bitches. They’re going to go home tonight and mumble into their pillows about their respective husbands’ lack of love for them.
GENERAL DEPINTO: That’s true. But Edna is single.
MAYOR SARANDON: WAS single. Now she’s married to that eight ball.
(Cut to Edna taking a brown bag out of her purse)
JACOB: Wait, she has coke?
(She then removes an actual eight ball from the bag)
EDNA: Am I ever going to find true love?
(She shakes it. Cut back to Jacob, DePinto and Sarandon)
GENERAL DEPINTO: Damnit. This almost was a real eighties party.
MAYOR SARANDON: She could have a Rubik’s Cube in there.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Full of coke? On coke I could finish it in mere seconds and it wouldn’t even still be a cube by the time I was done with it. (He takes out a large switchblade) I whittle.
MAYOR SARANDON: That is a badass knife!
(Cut to Ethan, Evan and Amy leading a tired-looking Judge McGlynn out of his house)
JUDGE MCGLYNN: If this is your attempt at a bribe Ethan, taking me out on a midnight stroll is not an acceptable one.
ETHAN: I know, this isn’t a bribe-
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Now a three in the afternoon bike ride on trails, I would accept that.
ETHAN: I’ll keep that in mind, but no, this is a very important unimportant case you need to rule on immediately.
(Ryan and Thrush run by and attach fliers to Judge McGlynn, Ethan and Evan. They stop and look confused)
EVAN: Did those monsters just attach fliers to us?
ETHAN: Just take them off.
(They take off the fliers and lead McGlynn to Ethan’s car and they all get in. Cut to a courtroom. Ethan, Evan, Amy and Micah Schultz are on one side, the Judge is sitting in his seat looking extremely tired and Kimberly, Todd and David Merkely on the other side. The police officer in the courtroom is wearing a night cap, pajamas and is holding a candle)
DAVID MERKELY: Your honor, the nativity scene outside of the Hansbay City Hall is an unacceptable violation of the first amendment to the United States Constitution. It is a combination of church and state and that is dangerous stew, your honor. A frothy stew of hatred, corruption and red bell peppers. I’m a Christian, your honor. But I also believe in the most important document this country has; money. And I’m likely to get a lot of it from this case.
MICAH SCHULTZ: Your honor, Mr. Merkely argues that this nativity scene is unconstitutional based on the first amendment, but I argue it’s constitutional based on, you guessed it, the first amendment. Right to freedom of speech. It’s not like one of the wise men is wearing a foam “CHRISTIANITY IS NUMBER ONE” hand and it’s not as though one of the sheep has a “Sarandon 2012” or “Romney/Ryan 2012” on the tuckus area. See? I’m Jewish and I’m defending this Nativity Scene’s right to exist, I mean, we killed Jesus.
ETHAN: I want that stricken from the record, that is demonstrably false.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Overruled. Mr. Merkely, Mr. Schultz, you woke me out of bed for this proceeding, which is apparently another case of whiny, aggrieved atheist V. overzealous Christian just like a thousand other cases that come up annually every Christmas. Now I’m not necessarily convinced either way, so you guys are going to have to put on a show to get my ruling. Let’s recess for an hour so you can prepare said show, how ‘bout it?
DAVID: I agree.
MICAH: Yeah, we’ll put on a (feminine voice with a lot of gesticulations) shoooow!
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Not getting off to a great start, but okay. This court is adjourned until 1 AM on Tuesday, December 25, 2012.
(He slams the gavel. Cut to Ethan, Evan, Micah and Amy in a conference room)
ETHAN: We need to put on a show for him. Some sort of legally-binding Christmas Pageant.
EVAN: (Big shot show producer accent) We’ve got to make it big too, junior!
(Evan takes out a cigar and lights it and inhales and then exhales. He then puts it in his mouth)
ETHAN: Since when do you smoke? And have that accent?
EVAN: Since we needed to wow the pants off this here judge. We’re going to need dancers, back-up dancers, singers, back-up singers, back-up trousers just n case we get nervous! (Pronounces it noi-vus)
ETHAN: I don’t think that’ll be necessary.
AMY: I could be a star!
(Evan puts his arm around Amy’s shoulder)
EVAN: You sure could, sweetheart! You want a light?
(Amy puts a pixy stick in her mouth and Evan lights it. Cut to Kimberly, Todd and David in a conference room)
KIMBERLY: So now we have to put on a show? Is this even legal?
TODD: We’ve got to make it good. Luckily, Hollywood is dominated by Atheists, so I’m sort of naturally prudent in this subject.
DAVID: Maybe we could get two girls, one representing Church, one representing state and they could mud wrestle!
KIMBERLY: Wow, no, inappropriate!
DAVID: You’re right; mud’s not Christmassy enough, how about they wrestle in snow?
TODD: What we need is a dark Christmas pageant, liked it was Directed by Tim Burton or even Guillermo Del Toro.
KIMBERLY: Shouldn’t it be more uplifting than that?
TODD: Hey! I failed to get an accidentally formed cross at the World Trade Center site taken down and I will NOT fail again!
DAVID: It turns out accidental crosses at disaster sites don’t violate anyone’s rights; they said it “brings comfort to the families of the victims”. Pff. How about the comfort of this poor man’s Atheist Group’s publicity?
TODD: Think of my children!
(Cut to Ryan and Brennan in their Krampus costumes at Town Center where a bunch of children are congregated)
RYAN: EVERY YEAR KRAMPUS COMES TO FLOG THE NAUGHTY CHILDREN WITH STICKS,BRANCHES AND TWIGS!
(The kids shriek)
BRENNAN: AND OL’ SANTA CLAUS JUST LETS HIM DO IT! NO MORE COAL, ONLY CHAINS!
(The kids shriek again as Scott dressed in his Krampus costume, except his Krampus costume has Hipster glasses on, comes over)
SCOTT: And remember kids, if you become slaves to mainstream pablum instead of obscure metaphorical transcendentalist- (Brennan whacks Scott with the branches) OW! I mean, if you don’t buy Depraved Hallway Fern, you’ll get flogged! Also your older brothers and sister need to buy it or you’ll get flogged.
KID: Why are we being penalized for our brothers and sisters’ actions, or lack thereof?
(They all scream. Jeff Sanford walks over)
JEFF: What the hell’s going on here?
BRENNAN: Hello, little boy! Buy Depraved Hallway Fern on iTunes unless you want to get flogged!
JEFF: Brennan, is that you?
BRENNAN: No, I’m Krampus, Jeff.
JEFF: You know my name?
BRENNAN: Lucky guess.
KID: This guy’s not really Krampus!
OTHER KID: Are you saying Krampus doesn’t exist?
SCOTT: No, that’s Santa.
(A bunch of kids start crying)
RYAN: Scott, what the hell is wrong with you?
SCOTT: Dude, I’m freeing them from the shackles of our corporatized religious holiday!
JEFF: You’re ruining their Christmas with lies! Outright lies!
RYAN: We’re just-
(Thrush, Veejay and one other come over)
THRUSH: Hey kids! Are you tired of these three four ruining your Christmas Eve?
VEEJAY: Then you should download our hit Christmas songs, like “Santa is a fat faggot and the only reason he has red cheeks is because he just blew the world of commercialism”.
(The kids express their upsetness)
DELAWARE: See?! This guy doesn’t believe in the magic of Christmas!
BAND MEMBER: At least we say Santa exists!
DELAWARE: Who are you?
BAND MEMBER: I’m Thrash, Thrush’s brother.
DELAWARE: Thrush and Thrash, huh? Listen, it’s all good, we have a Christmas song you can download called “My Dad in a Santa costume is passed out on the roof”.
RYAN: I don’t remember recording that song.
DELAWARE: It’s a single! By Delaware Payne.
(Thrush throws candy everywhere)
RYAN: Um…plush dolls based on iPhone games!
(Ryan throws plush Angry Birds, plush Seed Zombies and plush Angry Bird Pigs everywhere, which the kids go nuts over)
THRASH: One Direction called us brilliant.
RYAN: Adele showed up out of the blue uninvited to tell us how amazing we are.
VEEJAY: My real name is Arthur Edelstein!
RYAN: My real name is Ryan Donahue, unlike this Jew who hides his Jew nose behind his scene band.
VEEJAY: Damnit! That backfired.
THRUSH: How was that supposed to fire?
JEFF: Guys, you can bribe us all you want, but we’re not going to buy your songs. We’re kids, we like One Direction and we don’t care if they like you, which they don’t by the way and I know that for a fact.
BRENNAN: We have to power through! KIDS! IF YOU DO NOT BUY DHF SONGS ON ITUNES, GUESS WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
BRENNAN: You will be put in a bag and thrown in Lake Champlain!
(The kids scream as a parent walks over)
PARENT: Excuse me, what are you guys doing?
RYAN: We were just-
SCOTT: Messin’ around-
DELAWARE: Joshin’. We were Joshin’.
BRENNAN: It was almost like Joshua-ing, actually.
RYAN: Joseph-ing. Spreading the word of Joseph, husband of Mary, mother of Christ.
SCOTT: Hallelujah, you know?
DELAWARE: Praise Jesus!
PARENT: Shut up! What were you three doing?
THRUSH: We were spreading the word of Jesus during this Christmas season, but they were spreading blasphemy to these impressionable young minds.
KID: They were saying Santa isn’t real and that if we’re naughty or don’t buy their songs on iTunes, Krampus will flog us with sticks or throw us into Lake Champlain.
BRENNAN: That’s not entirely true, they were-
PARENT: I’ve heard enough, I’m calling the police.
RYAN: Oh, God, RUN!
(They all run away as Thrush, Thrash, Veejay, some aggrieved parents and the kids start running after them. Jeff walks away at that point. Cut to Jacob, General DePinto and Mayor Sarandon talking outside the Mayor’s Office door. DePinto and Sarandon are holding drinks while Christmas music plays in the background)
MAYOR SARANDON: So you were in Vietnam?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Yeah, and I was a general in Desert Storm.
MAYOR SARANDON: Gave those huns hell I heard.
GENERAL DEPINTO: You mean German Iraqis?
MAYOR SARANDON: Sure. So what was it like in ‘nam?
GENERAL DEPINTO: It was frightening. We’d traipse through the jungle, it was extremely hot sometimes, and I’d have a sniper position above a lake. The lake was full of Vietcong, at night and it was storming outside. However, every time lightning struck, there would be a brief window of time where I could see all the Vietcong in their boats and I could shoot at least one of them. It was all about patience and precision. Plus, one time, I found a four-leaf clover in the jungles of Saigon. I mean, how awesome is that?
JACOB: Not as awesome as you shooting people when thunder struck, that’s fucking amazing!
GENERAL DEPINTO: I suppose so.
MAYOR SARANDON: My father, Spencer Sarandon was in the Korean war and he fought at the battle of Old Baldy. Let me tell you, he never let a Korean pump his gas since.
MAYOR SARANDON: He was that resentful.
JACOB: Why though, did a Korean pump his gas wrong during the war?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, he was supposed to, but instead he just shot at him. I mean, what the fuck?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Well, I could understand how someone could hold resentment after such a traumatic experience.
MAYOR SARANDON: Although he did enjoy the occasional Korean massage.
GENERAL DEPINTO: How can you blame him?
(They all laugh)
JACOB: He’ll let a Korean pump one thing!
(They laugh even more)
MAYOR SARANDON: Ah, you know what? You guys are alright. How about we ditch this dump?
JACOB: This dump?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, this dump.
JACOB: It’s really nicely decorated actually, Kelly did a great job.
MAYOR SARANDON: It’s a dump and Kelly’s a whore.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Where would we go? What’s open on Christmas eve?
MAYOR SARANDON: My house is always open. Plus, there’s ladies drink specials on Tuesdays, or at least there would be, if ladies ever went there. Let’s go!
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon, Jacob and General DePinto talking in Mayor Sarandon’s kitchen)
GENERAL DEPINTO: So what do you guys want to do?
JACOB: Well we could keep talking, but I may have to drink a little Jergens to lubricate my confidence.
MAYOR SARANDON: Jergens is actual lubricant, not alcohol.
JACOB: Fine, then get me some alcohol.
GENERAL DEPINTO: We’re not going to do that, Jacob, you’re not old enough. You haven’t been smoking pot anymore, have you?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Okay, so you have.
JACOB: Like once on doomsday and that’s it.
GENERAL DEPINTO: I said no more!
JACOB: Fine! Sorry.
MAYOR SARANDON: I’ll get you some Egg Nog.
(Mayor Sarandon goes to the fridge gets out egg nog, pours some into a glass and hands it to Jacob, who drinks some and spits it in the sink)
JACOB: Oh my God, that’s disgusting, it’s like an egg threw up from stress during finals week into my drink!
MAYOR SARANDON: That’s so gross, that’s going on Facebook!
JACOB: …Are you going to take a picture of it?
MAYOR SARANDON: No, it’s just going on Facebook.
JACOB: So you’re going to talk about it on Facebook?
MAYOR SARANDON: No, it’s just going on there, you just say that and it happens!
JACOB: No, that’s not how it works.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Do you have guns here, Brian?
(Cut to the security guard at the front of the court room while both sides are seated)
SECURITY GUARD: Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye, all rise for the honorable Judge Benjamin McGlynn.
(They all rise and Judge McGlynn walks up to his desk and slams the gavel)
JUDGE MCGLYNN: This court will be in order. The defendant will now make their case.
(Ethan walks closer to the judge and he is dressed as Joseph, Amy, dressed as Mary, walks over as well and Micah, dressed as a baby, gets in a makeshift basket while Evan, dressed as a wise man, looks on)
ETHAN: (Singing) There he is, our Lord. Baby Jesus is born. Now, he simply rests in repooose. Not a peep. All the animals surrounding him-
ETHAN: Shh! (Singing) You’re not a sheep! You are the Virgin Mary who was knocked up by the Looorddd…I trust you that you are not simply a whore…I know you are a virgin who gave birth to beautiful child. The light of the world, the hope in our eyes, he died for our sins and he created our lies!
EVAN: WAAAAAH! The baby cries!
ETHAN: What do you mean, wise man?
EVAN: (Singing) I’m not a wise man at all, you see. (He takes off his wise man costume to reveal he has a ponytail and he’s wearing a burlap sack labeled “atheist”, this causes Ethan, Amy and Micah to fake gasp) I’m an atheist! And I have these objections, three! This is a city court building! This is against the law! Along with that scene at Hansbay City Hall, this has made me appalled! Thusly, I will (He kicks Micah) KICK baby Jesus out!
EVAN: (Singing) I wall make sure Christianity loses all of its clout! Like Santa says, don’t whine or pout, just go the Godless route! Let’s go down route 666 and let’s sail down the River Styx and subject our city government to the wrath of the King of Evil! His Godlessness Richard Dawkins!
ETHAN: (Singing) But sir, have a heart. We can celebrate our creed! We can work together, not apart! No rights are being violated through a simple gesture! You should be the one freeing us instead of our arrester! But I must tell you now that I am quite wily. For I am not Joseph, husband of Mary, but I am…(He takes off his costume to reveal he’s in a Bill O’Reilly costume) Bill O’Reilly! Because there’s a war on Christmas and it is real! Yes, there may be yule log forests in California and Candy Cane pastures in Maine, Santa-looking fellows in Mississippi and tinsel all down Helmsley Park lane! But don’t think just because Christmas is everywhere it means we don’t feel the pain! This is Holy War! The most serious in the world! This makes Israel and Palestine scared, so don’t underestimate us, girl!
ALL OF EMS: (Singing) BECAUSE WE WILL FIGHT TO THE END! SO THAT WE MAY PRETEND! THAT CHRISTMAS IS UNDER SERIOUS ATTACK! JUST BECAUSE PETTY ATHEISTS GIVE US TONS OF FLACK!
ETHAN: (Singing) Tons of…flaaaaaack!
MICAH: Goo goo gaga!
ETHAN: Wow, don’t do that. Anyway, we rest our case, your honor.
(They all take their seats)
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Okay, will the plaintiff now present their case?
(Todd is dressed as Santa and starts walking around the courtroom while singing)
TODD: (Singing) We are hard at work, here at the North Pole, making sure this Christmas is very bold…we want there to be a Christmas, for every child from a continent to an Isthmus, we build XBOXes and iPhones for the children who want them under the tree, it’s amazing that we’ve not been sued by Apple of the Microsoft company, but we’re still filled with glee! Because it’s Christmas!
(Kimberly, dressed as Jesus, walks over to Todd)
KIMBERLY: (Singing) HA! Santa, you’re making Christmas a joke! HA! That makes me croak. We need to drive slaves of religion and make sure they ALL pay attention to the nativity scene outside the Hansbay City Hall so Atheists can’t hide from the deafening sight of a nativity scene or the blinding music of “Oh Holy Night” or the numbing smell of frankincense or the anosmatic sensation of feeling a plastic baby Jesus! All of you agnostic fuckers have no choice but to appease us! Eat your peas, eat your carrots, eat your Jesus, call your parents. Go to Church, pray to God, stare at a scene on a lawn, it’ll never be gone! Always say “God” when saying the pledge of allegiance and never question the bible’s credence.
(David walks over dressed as Thomas Jefferson)
DAVID: (Singing) Iiiii am Thomas Jefferson, the father of our Nation! Thiiis nativity scene is an abomination! Iiiii frankly believe that there’s a separation! Beeetween church and state and there’s no negotiation! It is written right there in the constitution of our land! So if you don’t like it, there’s no reason for rants or raves, I hold the separation of church and state more dear than I hold banging slaves!
TODD: So take that Jesus! (Singing) Freedom of religion is also freedom from religion! So instead of releasing turtle doves, release a fucking pigeon! Freedom from religion, that’s a good phrase to remember! Instead of saying Merry Christmas, say “Christ, it’s a cold December!”. All of your religious shit you’ll have to hide! Instead of calling it a Christmas tree, call it a tree that’s supposed to be outside, you guys know what you’re doing! You’re doing it complicity! But you don’t know what we’re doing, we’re not doing it for the publicity, but no doubt this shit goes on Fox News tomorrow, but that was earned not illicitly!
DAVID: (Singing) So, to summarize your honor, I am a hero. A nativity scene on public property is as bad, if not worse, than an accidental cross at ground zero, aaaandd-
KIMBERLY: HOLD IT! Hold it, I’m sorry. I don’t think I feel comfortable with this anymore. I mean, suing because of a cross accidentally formed at Ground Zero? A cross that comforted the families of the victims? That’s an exploitative and cruel way of getting publicity. And…I’ve come to realize that the nativity scene on the lawn of Hansbay City Hall isn’t that big of a deal.
TODD: Kimberly, it signifies that Atheists are second-class citizens!
KIMBERLY: Does it? Because it is just a nativity scene. You don’t have to look at it. Are you forced to sit on the back of buses? Do you lack voting rights? Are you forced to drink at another water fountain then religious people? You’re not second-class citizens okay? I realize now how stupid it was to sue for this.
TODD: I AM a second-class citizen! I like to sit in the back of buses because it’s a nice place to read, I don’t vote because everyone who runs is a Christian and-
KIMBERLY: Those are all choices!
TODD: AND sometimes water from water fountains is too hot.
KIMBERLY: Still not a second-class citizen.
TODD: Just-Judge McGlynn, what is your ruling?
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Hmm…I rule that I have no jurisdictional right to rule on this case, so go ask your mother.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: I mean, it is up to Mayor Sarandon to decide whether that nativity scene should stay up or be taken down. Hell, I don’t even think I had the right to order that you present your cases in musical form, although they were very good. Case dismissed!
(He slams the gavel and leaves. Then, both sides look at each other intensely, except Kimberly. Then they both run out the door as Kimberly follows Ethan’s group. Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Scott and Delaware, all in their complete Krampus costumes, being chased by an angry mob of parents, children and Blood on the Bar Scene. They are running past some fences and they turn a corner quickly into the park in Ryan’s neighborhood owned by the Mormons. They jump into the slide to hide. Then, the townspeople arrive and are confused)
PARENT: Where are those sons of bitches? Ruining our kids’ Christmases!
KID: What are bitches?
PARENT: SEE?! They even taught my kids profanity! Those fuckers.
(Pan over to reveal a cop sitting on a bench drinking hot coca)
COP: Can I help ya folks?
THRUSH: Yes! We’re looking for these emo kids dressed as horrible Nordic monsters with long horns!
COP: Okay, so I’ll keep a look out for horrible Nordic monsters with long horns, I’ll help you guys out. I mean, it is Christmas after all.
PARENT 2: So you wouldn’t do your job if it wasn’t Christmas?
COP: Nope, I’d probably stay here and drink cocoa and watch the world go by. YEEHA!
VEEJAY: You’re a Cowboy now?
COP: Let’s go!
(The cop gets up and the angry mob goes northwest. Once they are gone, Ryan, Brennan, Scott and Delaware come out)
RYAN: Where do we go to hide?
SCOTT: I know the perfect place.
(Cut to Ryan, Scott, Brennan and Delaware on the Hansbay City Hall lawn. Brennan is in a basket dressed as baby Jesus, Scott is dressed as Mary, Ryan is dressed as Joseph and Delaware is dressed as a mule and they trying to be perfectly still)
DELAWARE: Why did I have to be the mule?
RYAN: Shut up and eat your bale of hay!
(Cut to Ethan, Evan, Kimberly, Micah, Amy, Todd and David outside Mayor Sarandon’s house. Ethan and Todd are both knocking on the door. Cut to General DePinto, Mayor Sarandon and Jacob gazing at Sarandon’s gun collection in his closet)
JACOB: Jesus, and you were never in war.
MAYOR SARANDON: I stockpiled them after the assault weapons ban and now…they’re just my children. I couldn’t imagine losing them.
GENERAL DEPINTO: I feel ya.
(General DePinto puts his hand on his shoulder. They gaze at each other, making Jacob uncomfortable)
JACOB: …This is getting weird. I’m gonna go.
(They hear loud knocking. They all leave the room and Mayor Sarandon opens the front door)
MAYOR SARANDON: What is the meaning of this? This is highly unorthodox.
EVAN: Who says that?
MAYOR SARANDON: I said it when going into a synagogue full of reformed Jews, it went over quite well.
ETHAN: We need you to decide whether that nativity scene should be torn down or not. The Judge derelicted his responsibility towards you.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well this is quite a responsibility. I shall ponder this.
(Ten second pause)
AMY: Do you want us to, like present our cases?
MAYOR SARANDON: NO! Just let me think. (Long pause) I have come to a conclusion. The nativity scene while STAAAND!
(He slams the door. Ethan, Kimberly, Micah, Amy and Evan cheer as the other side groans)
ETHAN: HELL YEAH! Christmas lives another day!
KIMBERLY: It wouldn’t have survived otherwise?
ETHAN: Of course not, woman! Sorry. Let’s go home.
(They walk away. Cut to Mayor Sarandon, Jacob and General DePinto in the kitchen)
MAYOR SARANDON: That’s the power of a Mayor, right there. Straight up! (Ding dongy) Goddamnit.
(He goes to open the door and sees Ellen Alexander holding a box)
ELLEN: Hello, Brian!
MAYOR SARANDON: Shit. Hold on. (He closes the door) Jacob, Noah, go into my easily accessible closet full of guns and play with them for a second, I need to discuss urgent city business with someone.
(General DePinto and Jacob go into Mayor Sarandon’s room and Mayor Sarandon opens up the door)
MAYOR SARANDON: Ellen, what are you doing here?
ELLEN: I made rum cookies for you.
(She opens the box up to reveal soggy cookies)
MAYOR SARANDON: Those look really soggy.
ELLEN: Yeah, I just poured rum all over them, I thought you’d like it, tubby bear.
MAYOR SARANDON: Don’t call me that, also, your husband was here just a second ago.
ELLEN: Ouchie. Who do you have over now; you never have people over this late at night.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well…I guess that’s changed. I have some friends over, so…I’ll take the rum cookies and I’ll see you Christmas day. Bye!
(Mayor Sarandon takes the cookies and closes the door)
ELLEN: So you do like them!
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon’s window as he walks away. Ellen’s face is pressed against the window as her lip quivers. She draws a tubby bear and draws the words “tubby bear” above it. Mayor Sarandon walks over and draws a heart around it and they both smile. Cut to the angry mob wondering through the neighborhood when the cop comes up to them)
COP: I received a tip that these Nordic Monsters with long horns were spotted outside Hansbay City Hall! KILL THE BEASTS!
(They cheer. Cut to angry mob running down the street where Hansbay City hall is)
(Cut to Ryan, Scott, Delaware and Brennan as nativity scene people)
SCOTT: Just hold it…
(The mob runs past them)
KID: Wait a minute, was Jesus an emo?
PARENT: HOLY GHOST!
(Ryan, Brennan, Scott and Delaware ditch their clothes and quickly set the original nativity scene back up and dash off as the angry mob returns)
THRUSH: LET’S BURN THEM!
(The parent sets fire to the Nativity scene as they cheer. Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Scott and Delaware running into the Donahue household. They go upstairs and get on the computer)
DELAWARE: Go to CNN.
(Ryan goes to CNN.com to see the headline “Emo/scene band Blood on the Bar Scene and others burn down nativity scene in mid-size Vermont town, Christian groups, general public outraged, call for boycott”)
(Cut to Ethan, Evan, Kimberly, Micah, Amy, Todd and David walking by the Hansbay Court house)
ETHAN: We eked out a victory.
KIMBERLY: No doubt.
(Micah points to the charred remains of the nativity scene)
ETHAN: THE FUCK?!
TODD: YES! THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!
(A firefighter comes over holding a charred Baby Jesus)
FIREFIGHTER: I was able to recover baby Jesus, sir. You can thank me later.
(The firefighter hands Baby Jesus to Ethan. Cut to Ryan walking out of his room with Brennan, Scott and Delaware behind him)
RYAN: This is so great that they’re ruined. (Brennan, Scott and Delaware put on their masks) I mean-(Brennan takes out branches and whacks Ryan in the ass with them) AGHH! (He falls to the ground)
RYAN: FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK?
BRENNAN: You’re been naughty this year, Donahue! That one’s for being a selfish X-Head who ruined everybody’s lives!
RYAN: I mean-(Scott takes a whack) OW!
BRENNAN: That’s for manipulating Eric, Scarlett and I into making out with you! (One more whack) And that was for brazenly running away to Washington D.C. when you didn’t get your way, using your relationship with Michelle to slack off at your job, bullying the smartest kid in school, refusing Michelle’s advice to get off drugs and the being such an asshole to her that she broke up with you, dealing drugs, being a lazy student, trying to extort money from women at homecoming and burning down a fence with me.
RYAN: Well, (He gets up) when you lay it all out like that, I sound like a real asshole!
BRENNAN, SCOTT AND DELAWARE: Yeah!
RYAN: But, don’t worry. Because 2013 will be different. You’ll see. We’ll have our band and we’ll make it big someday. And Brennan, we’ll find a place for you in it. (Brennan smiles) And to show you that I’m a new Ryan, I will not require an apology for the horrendous pain those branches brought me.
BRENNAN: Do you want us to-
RYAN: FUCKING APOLOGIZE!
(Cut to Christmas morning. Jacob, Ryan, Madeline and Rob are in the living room around the tree, drinking hot cocoa)
JACOB: This is nice. Christmas with all of us together.
RYAN: Yeah, but an angry mob almost drove me and my band out of town last night. But then Blood on the Bar Scene burned down a Nativity scene and now we’re golden! Their sales have plummeted on iTunes and our sales have gone up.
MADELINE: That’s awesome, you should send me on of your songs.
(Ryan takes out an iPad)
RYAN: I’ll do it right now.
MADELINE: Oh, so I’ll have to listen to it in front of you?
(Ethan and Kimberly come in)
ETHAN: Merry Christmas, everybody!
MADELINE: It’s present time! It’s present time! It’s present time!
RYAN: Hey Madeline, what time is it?
MADELINE: I don’t know, go look at a clock, I’m not your maid.
(Ethan and Kimberly sit down)
ETHAN: Has everybody chosen a present to open first?
(They all hold up one present)
KIMBERLY: Great, then we’ll go alphabetically. Jacob?
JACOB: Okay. (He opens up the present and it is a set of cue balls) Um…
ETHAN: For your golf games!
JACOB: Oh yeah, I’m in golf. I should really go to those practices. You realize this is for pool, right?
ETHAN: Yeah, the pool, the front yard, wherever you want to do it.
JACOB: You think you can play golf in a pool?
ETHAN: You can use it as a beach ball! Anyway, Maddie, you’re next.
(Madeline takes her present and opens it to reveal an E-Z Bake oven)
MADELINE: Um..are you serious? I’m nineteen years old.
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Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
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