“Like snowflakes from the sky. It's the burden of measurement we place on time. The names we give to air and the claims we stake to waters. Our vain attempt to understand the substance of what is without shape or form”
(We start with Kimberly and Ethan in the kitchen, going through the refrigerator. We see a “HAPPY NEW YEARS 2013, DROOGS!” banner on the wall)
KIMBERLY: We need milk if we want it to be a Clockwork Orange themed new year’s party.
ETHAN: We have milk, right here.
(Ethan takes out a gallon of milk)
KIMBERLY: That milk expired on December fifth.
ETHAN: Oh my God, stop being a teenage drama queen, you’re always obsessed with expiration dates, this milk is fine. Here, I’ll drink it! (Ethan takes a swig of the milk from the carton and swallows it) See? (He then vomits in a nearby trash can) That was completely unrelated.
KIMBERLY: Are you sure it doesn’t have anything to do with the twenty-six day expired milk you just thoughtlessly drank?
ETHAN: Ugh, who’s coming to this party?
KIMBERLY: I don’t know, Ethan, you’re the one who wanted to have a New Year’s Party, a Clockwork Orange themed New Year’s Party, even. It doesn’t have much in the way of the family values you and other conservatives try to espouse.
ETHAN: Yeah, but it does show how good of an idea using mind control on convicted criminals is.
KIMBERLY: Why don’t we just go to Mayor Sarandon’s New Year’s Party?
ETHAN: Well, he did help me pander to the public…I suppose I could dispense with the Clockwork Orange theme, although we need to exchange those statues of women that shoot milk out of their breasts.
(Cut to Ryan’s red face in someone’s closet)
RYAN: Uhh! UGH! AHH!
(Zoom out to reveal he’s getting head from Sarah. Cut to the two of them on the couch together)
SARAH: That’s your last blowie for the year, got it?
RYAN: I don’t think I can handle waiting that long. Can it be a New Year’s Party Favor?
SARAH: (Laughs) Also remember, you have to keep up your streak of no drugs, no alcohol tonight. We’re starting your first drug-free year. 2013 will be a great year for both of us.
RYAN: I hope so. I can't wait to celebrate the inexorable passage of time. Who’s all invited?
SARAH: The classics. Michael, Brennan, Michelle, Delaware-
RYAN: I’m sorry, Michelle’s invited?
SARAH: Yes, okay? Delaware and Michelle come as a package deal; they’ve been dating for two months. We need to be friendly to them, they are one of us.
RYAN: What if God was one of us?
SARAH: Just a cutter like one of us?
RYAN: Just an emo on a bus, trying to make his way home?
SARAH: If God was an emo, all would be right with the world.
RYAN: Mind if I invite my therapy friends?
SARAH: You mean Scott and Cooper?
SARAH: Fine, as long as they don’t take drugs.
RYAN: They won’t. You know I’ll have Scott and Delaware there we could do a set for New Years!
SARAH: Okay, just don’t ruin John Lennon’s “Imagine” like Cee Lo Green did last New Year’s.
RYAN: Yeah, a metal version of Imagine. That’d be great, Sarah.
SARAH: Just saying.
RYAN: Where is your mom going to be?
SARAH: She’s going to Mayor Sarandon’s New Year’s bash. Ever since he decided to keep the nativity scene up, Amy has wanted to be involved in local politics, which means getting in with the guys I guess.
RYAN: Where are your brothers and sisters going to go?
SARAH: They have their own shindigs, just like Halloween or our sleepover.
SARAH: Great! Remember Ryan, no alcohol, no drugs.
RYAN: Got it.
(Cut to Delaware walking into Sarah’s house holding a bottle of Crown Royal and a bottle of Oxycodone)
DELAWARE: I BROUGHT THE ALCOHOL AND DRUUUGS!
(Michelle walks after him and to the side of him)
MICHELLE: I told him it wasn’t a good idea.
(Pan to reveal Ryan and Sarah standing there)
SARAH: Yeah, it isn’t a good idea, Ryan needs to stay clean.
DELAWARE: Oh, whatever, he can handle it.
DELAWARE: Michelle, I’m sorry to harp on it, buy you’re freaking out again, just calm down.
MICHELLE: Okay, sorry.
RYAN: She wasn’t really-
DELAWARE: Are you really not gonna let me bring this stuff in?
RYAN: …Just let him. Just because I can’t do it doesn’t mean everybody else should suffer.
SARAH: Being sober is suffering?
DELAWARE: Yes, now I’m going to put this on ice. Also, put this Crown Royal (Hands Ryan the Crown Royal) on the table over there.
(Delaware walks away)
RYAN: So he’s going to put the Oxycodone on ice?
(Cut to Madeline and Kimberly on the couch together)
MADELINE: So you guys are going to Mayor Sarandon’s New Year’s party?
KIMBERLY: Yes, we are. Where are you and Olaf going?
MADELINE: He’s not an ancient German Monarch, his name is Oliver. You and dad can both meet him. I met him two months ago at the New England Institute of Technology Young Democrats Halloween party.
KIMBERLY: Spooky. Wasn’t that during Hurricane Sandy?
MADELINE: Yes it was. We met during a storm. We fell in love during a storm. (The camera closes in on Madeline) There was a storm ignited in our hearts that night, even though that night I did push him into a coffee table-(Zoom out quickly to reveal Kimberly’s gone) …damnit. (Dingy dongy) He’s here!
(Ethan and Kimberly come out of their room)
ETHAN: Oh, good. I can meet this fella finally.
(Ethan, Kimberly and Madeline walk to the door and Madeline opens it to reveal the UPS man in shorts)
UPS MAN: Delivery!
ETHAN: Is your boyfriend a porn star?
UPS MAN: No, I work for the United Parcel Service! Which is weird, because we deliver more than just parcels.
MADELINE: Also, you’re not my boyfriend!
ETHAN: I can’t believe my only daughter is dating a UPS man! Especially one that wears shorts in twenty-eight degree weather!
MADELINE: We’re not dating; do you even have a package?
UPS MAN: I forgot it.
MADELINE: How? And why did you come here if you did? Also, how?!
(Oliver walks up to the door)
(Madeline hugs Oliver and the UPS guy leaves. They then stop hugging and Madeline turns around, allowing Oliver to put his arm around Madeline’s shoulder)
OLIVER: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Donahue. (He extends his hand) I’m Oliver.
ETHAN: Nice to meet you, Oliver.
(Ethan shakes Oliver’s hand and Kimberly shakes Oliver’s hand as well)
KIMBERLY: Nice to meet you.
OLIVER: Can we come in?
ETHAN: Absolutely. (They both come in and close the door. They walk into the kitchen) So, could I get you guys anything? We have anything and everything. (Laughs) But seriously, whatever you need, Oliver.
OLIVER: I’m fine, thank you.
(Ethan walks over to Oliver)
ETHAN: Have a seat, please.
(Oliver and Madeline sit in the stools at the bar part of the kitchen)
ETHAN: Not you, Madeline! Only Oliver!
(Madeline gets up)
MADELINE: Jesus, sorry.
(Ethan and Kimberly walk over to the other side of the bar and stand in front of Oliver, who is on the stool)
ETHAN: So…are you or have you ever been a member of the Communist party?
KIMBERLY: Ethan, don’t.
ETHAN: Fine, sorry. Are you gay?
OLIVER: No, why am I the only one sitting down?
ETHAN: We’re the ones asking the questions, kiddo.
OLIVER: I’m twenty years old.
KIMBERLY: He’s older than Madeline, that’s interesting.
ETHAN: Are you planning on buying alcohol for my daughter?
OLIVER: No sir, I’m not even twenty-one, I turned twenty last month.
ETHAN: Are you going to buy her cigarettes or get her into R-rated movies?
OLIVER: She can do that herself.
ETHAN: God damnit, he’s right!
MADELINE: Mom, dad, just calm down, okay? I’m going to introduce Oliver to some of my old friends from High School.
OLIVER Yeah, I’m excited to see who Madeline used to hang out with.
ETHAN: Well, you’ll be hanging out with two people in one, I’ll tell you that much.
OLIVER: What do you mean?
MADELINE: He’s talking about my friend Britney, who is seven months pregnant.
OLIVER: Ah, I see.
ETHAN: Two friends for the price of one!
MADELINE: Okay, great, we’re going to go.
(Oliver gets up and extends his hand)
OLIVER: Nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Donahue.
ETHAN: It’s a pleasure.
(Ethan shakes his hand, as does Kimberly. They then both leave. Cut to Mayor Sarandon and Fabio setting up his party. Mayor Sarandon is taking booze out of his liquor cabinet and putting it on a table while Fabio lays out hors d'oeuvres)
MAYOR SARANDON: Tonight’s New Year’s party needs to go off without a hitch, Fabby. Who’s all coming?
FABIO: We’ve received confirmation from Mr. and Mrs. Alexander.
MAYOR SARANDON: Excellent! I mean-cool, whatever.
FABIO: Okay, Mr. DePinto has confirmed his attendance, most of your high-level employees have confirmed their attendance, Senator Patrick J. Leahy says he…(Fabio takes out a crumpled piece of paper, un-crumples it and looks at it) wouldn’t miss it for the world, but that cliff is a fiscal little bitch, tee-hee.” There appears to be cheese steak sauce stains on the paper. So I guess he’s working on the fiscal cliff. Also, Governor Shumlin sends his regrets.
MAYOR SARANDON: Then tell him I send my regrets for not actually sending him anthrax.
FABIO: I’m not going to do that.
MAYOR SARANDON: You look after me well, Fabby.
FABIO: Anyway, most of the city council is also coming including the rest of your more minor guests. However, Mrs. Edelman is not coming.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, that figures.
FABIO: Because you flashed her.
MAYOR SARANDON: I know!
FABIO: Also, Mr. and Mrs. Donahue have not responded to your invitation.
MAYOR SARANDON: …Fuck. That’s…that stings, deep. Like a yellow jacket flew into my mouth and stung my esophagus.
(Cut to Ethan wearing a yellow jacket in front of Kimberly in their bedroom. Kimberly is wearing a yellow dress)
ETHAN: Does this yellow jacket work for a party?
KIMBERLY: No, that looks awful.
KIMBERLY: Plus, I’m already wearing yellow.
ETHAN: Fine, I’ll put on a boring black jacket.
KIMBERLY: Please do.
(Ethan walks into his closet. Cut to Mayor Sarandon wearing a tuxedo and waiting patiently at the door. A doorbell rings and Mayor Sarandon goes to open it to reveal General DePinto, wearing a suit, City Council Chair Nathan Sloane and Tatum)
MAYOR SARANDON: Hey! How are you sons of bitches doing?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Very well, Brian.
NATHAN: Hello, Mr. Mayor.
TATUM: Let’s get it started in HOT!
(They all come in as Mayor Sarandon shakes their hands and hugs General DePinto. He lets go of General DePinto and looks at him)
MAYOR SARANDON: How are you, Noah?
GENERAL DEPINTO: I’m well. Not as well as you, though, that’s for sure.
MAYOR SARANDON: (Chuckles) Doubtful. You’re doing better than me any day.
GENERAL DEPINTO: You live in a fucking Xanadu!
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, well so did Citizen Kane and he didn’t end up great.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Well I’m like King Midas and my guns are my gold.
MAYOR SARANDON: Everything you touch turns into guns?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Damnit, I should really have a better understanding of mythology before I reference it; I’m like Achilles murdering that Cyclops in the Garden of Eden.
MAYOR SARANDON: Hey, did you see Mrs. Alexander outside?
GENERAL DEPINTO: No, they don’t seem to be here yet.
MAYOR SARANDON: Okay.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Why?
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m just wondering! Jesus, please dispense with the accusations!
(Mayor Sarandon walks away, leaving DePinto confused. Cut to Ryan, Delaware, Sarah, Michael, Brennan, Michelle, Scott, Cooper, Valerie and Barbara in Sarah’s house in the living room, talking, many of them with beers in their hands while some metal song plays in the background)
SARAH: Wow, this is slightly more people than I intended on having here, but that’s okay I guess.
COOPER: Oh, trust me, there’s more coming.
RYAN: Really? Who?
COOPER: I don’t know, I sent out a mass text to everyone on my contacts list, including my third grade teacher, so, we’ll see who responds.
VALERIE: I have a guy bringing medical grade pot in about an hour so we can be baked when the ball drops and the country goes over the fiscal cliff.
RYAN: That way we can forget about how fucked out parents are.
COOPER: Because we’ll be fucked…up!
RYAN: Wait, you’re getting high?
COOPER: Yeah dude, my New Year’s resolution to not do drugs doesn’t kick in until 12:15 AM on January 1, 2013.
RYAN: Why 12:15?
COOPER: That allows me to start a year of sobriety with fifteen minutes of getting drunk and high!
DELAWARE: I’m allotting the entire year of 2013 for that purpose! WOO! (Delaware begins chugging his beer as people, except Ryan and Sarah, chant “CHUG”. He then finishes the beer) WOO! Shit, I need something stronger.
VALERIE: Delaware, you said you’d get us oxycodone.
DELAWARE; Yeah, I have it right here.
(Delaware takes out a bottle of Oxy)
MICHELLE: Delaware, are you sure-
DELAWARE: Oh my God, Michelle, calm down, it’s a party!
MICHELE: Yeah, but Oxy is highly-
DELAWARE: Addictive? Think about Oxi Clean! Nobody’s died from that product!
RYAN: Well, the spokesman for Oxi Clean died of cocaine overdose.
DELAWARE: Case and point, nobody’s ever died of Oxycodone overdose.
MICHELLE: Yes they have!
DELAWARE: Fine, I won’t give them oxy, does that make you feel better?
MICHELLE: Yes, thank you.
(Delaware hands the bottle of Oxy to Valerie and she hands Delaware money)
VALERIE: Thanks, Delaware!
MICHELLE: What the hell was that?
DELAWARE: What are you freaking about now?
MICHELLE: You just gave Valerie that Oxycodone!
DELAWARE: No I didn’t!
MICHELLE: Yes you did, everybody just saw you! Scott, you saw him do it right?
SCOTT: I didn’t see anything.
MICHELLE: What the hell are you talking about?
RYAN: I saw-
SARAH: Don’t get involved.
(Ryan and Sarah walk away)
MICHELLE: Someone saw that, right? (Everybody shakes their heads) What the hell is going on?
DELAWARE: Michelle, calm down, the birds have probably been talking to you too much, just go have a drink.
(Michelle walks over to the kitchen. Ryan and Sarah are over by the dinner table, talking)
RYAN: It’s so weird; Michelle is like…a lot less assertive than she was when we were dating.
SARAH: Don’t worry about her and her problems with Delaware, Ryan.
SARAH: When are you guys going to do your set?
RYAN: I don’t know exactly, probably like an hour before midnight.
SARAH: So, you’ll have a little of Ryan Donahue’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, huh?
RYAN: Yeah, but unlike Dick Clark, they don’t need to put a pound of make-up on me to make me look under 140.
SARAH: Dick Clark’s dead.
RYAN: Well, they may need more than a pound this year.
(Cooper comes over holding a drink)
COOPER: Ryan, are you going to have a drink?!
SARAH: It’s your choice.
RYAN: Fuck it, fine.
(Ryan walks to the kitchen and pours himself some crown royal and then takes a swig)
RYAN: Agh, that shit makes he want to lift my leg up!
COOPER: It’s not Captain Morgan.
RYAN: Yeah, but I’m going to fart on you.
(Cut to Delaware standing outside in the cold welcoming four suspicious looking teenagers, one of whom is black)
BLACK KID: Is this where the party is?
DELAWARE: You’ve got the place!
WHITE KID: You know how many fucking cul-de-sacs I had to turn around in, I almost ran over four middle-aged dads taking out the trash!
DELAWARE: Well I’m sure it would’ve been worth it, do you got the shit?
WHITE KID 2: Yes, we have in our possession “the shit”.
BLACK KID: But we like to party!
WHITE KID 3: (Russian accent) You pay us with party!
BLACK KID: And the money!
WHITE KID 3: No, just party!
BLACK KID: Shut the fuck up Demetri, we want the money too!
DELAWARE: You’ll get both, just come in.
WHITE KID 2: Is this your house?
DELAWARE: I’m renting out the bathroom.
(Cut to Delaware and the three kids in the bathroom. The second white kid is holding a jar full of Marijuana. He is a handsome kid. The other three are standing nearby while Delaware washes his face)
WHITE KID 2: This is some medical grade shit, plus it has a berry blast flavoring.
(Delaware finishes washing his face)
DELAWARE: I’ll feel eleven again! And high! (Someone knocks on the door) Fuck.
SARAH: (Outside the door) Delaware, why are you taking so long in there?!
DELAWARE: WE’LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE!
SARAH: WE’LL be?
DELAWARE: I WILL be out in a minute I said!
(Delaware takes out a handle of Crown Royal and takes a swig. Cut to Ryan talking to Cooper in the kitchen, both of them are clearly intoxicated and emo music is playing loudly in the background)
RYAN: (Drunk, slurred speech) It’s almost 2013, why don’t we have flying time machines by now or…credit cards?
COOPER: (Drunk, slurred speech) I knooooow!
(Sarah comes over)
SARAH: Oh my God, Delaware is up to suspicious shit in the bathroom right now, wow you reek of booze.
RYAN: I reek of love…for you, baby.
(He makes a square in the air with his fingers and then points to her)
SARAH: You’re saying I’m a square?
RYAN: THAT WAS A HEART!
SARAH: Shh! Calm down, you’re yelling.
(Cut to Madeline and Oliver outside Adam’s house)
MADELINE: So Adam is visiting his parents for the Holidays and remember, don’t bring up pregnancy.
OLIVER: Why would I bring up pregnancy?
MADELINE: Just don’t, okay?
(Trey and Darcy open up the door)
MADELINE: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Horn.
TREY: And who is this?
MADELINE: This is my boyfriend Oliver Twist.
OLIVER: Yeah, my name’s Oliver Mulvaney.
MADELINE: Mulvaney! Ugh, I almost had it.
OLIVER: Not really.
TREY: Alright then. Come inside!
(They walk inside and Trey shuts the door and then Trey and Darcy stand in front of them and there is a pause)
OLIVER: Jeez, pregnant pause. Er-damnit!
DARCY: We will go get Adam.
(They walk out of the room)
MADELINE: You had to say “pregnant pause”!
OLIVER: You couldn’t remember my last name!
MADELINE: I’m sorry, but you’re mononymous, like Madonna or Oprah or Julia Louis-Dreyfus! We just call you Oliver!
(Adam, Britney, Kyle, Elisa and Lilly come down. Britney is seven months pregnant. They all say Madeline’s name in a jovial fashion)
MADELINE: Hey guys! (They all hug each other) Guys, this is Oliver Mulvaney, my boyfriend.
BRITNEY: Kyle was telling us about you! You two are working on a social networking site together?
MADELINE: It’s nothing, really.
OLIVER: Maddie, it’s something, um, yeah, it’s a social backstabbing network where you can kick start projects with people and then eventually fuck over you partners in the long run, it’s a very lucrative idea, we’re trying to get our ducks in a row.
KYLE: And then we’ll fuck over the ducks!
(They all laugh except Madeline)
ADAM: Let’s talk in the living room while we wait for the clock to strike midnight.
(They walk into the living room and sit down)
ADAM: So, this how is this Duplicit thing coming along?
KYLE; We’re hitting the ground running except for the fact that the site isn’t technically up yet.
OLIVER: That’s true, we still need to get some advertisers and perhaps some investors.
KYLE: And perhaps by 2014, users.
MADELINE: That’s kind of an unambitious timeline.
OLIVER: He’s being modest; we’ll probably have run Mark Zuckerberg out of business and he’ll be giving blowies for FarmVille accounts by that time.
MADELINE: Okay, that timeline is too ambitious.
OLIVER: There’s no such thing as too ambitious, Maddie.
KYLE: Can we put any investors down?
ELISA: Like, put them to sleep?
BRITNEY: Or bully them?
KYLE: No, like, can we put any of you guys down as investors?
OLIVER: Kyle, come on, let’s not be rude, do any of you guys know anybody who could be investors or advertisers?
MADELINE: I say we change the subject. Remember all the stuff about 2012, you guys? Like Instagram…somebody that I used to know…Gangnam style-how am I already out of things to talk about?
ADAM: You know, I don’t know anybody who could help you out with Duplicit, but there are some pretty powerful people congregating at Mayor Sarandon’s New Year’s Party. They could probably help you out.
MADELINE: Too bad we’re not going there.
OLIVER: Why not? Maddie, this could the four of us rich! Kyle, call Brandon.
MADELINE: We don’t have time to go to Mayor Sarandon’s party, that would be rude, we have to stick with this party.
ADAM: Well, we were just planning on having you guys feel Britney’s uterus for a few hours, so…
BRITNEY: Say “stomach”, don’t say uterus. It sounds like you want them to reach into my body and feel my uterus.
MADELINE: You guys must’ve had more plans than that.
KYLE: Well, I was going to (takes out a gift with a tag labeled “SS”) see who wanted this gift I tried to give my Jewish grandfather for Secret Santa.
MADELINE: Why didn’t he take it?
KYLE: I put this “SS” tag on it, meaning secret Santa, but I guess he took it a different way.
MADELINE: Yeah. Still I don’t think-
OLIVER: Let’s go!
(Everybody gets up and starts walking away, except for Madeline who begrudgingly walks away seconds later. Cut to Mayor Sarandon’s New Year’s Party. There are dozens of people there, including Mayor Sarandon, Nathan Sloane, General DePinto and Amy Blumenthal. Mayor Sarandon gets a call and answers it)
MAYOR SARANDON: Hello? Oh shit! It’s Leahy! Hold on, I’ll put you on speaker. (Mayor Sarandon puts Leahy on speaker) Hey Leahy, how are the fiscal cliff talks going?
SENATOR LEAHY: (On speaker phone) They’re pretty annoying. Mitch McConnell keeps using an anecdote about a 45-year old dentist in Lexington named Janet. I fired back with an anecdote about a 51-year old Mayor in Hansbay though to prove that taxes should be raised on people like you.
MAYOR SARANDON: That’s great, thanks. Are you guys close though?
SENATOR LEAHY: Yeah, we’re close to a deal. Who all is there?
MAYOR SARANDON: We have me, my friend General DePinto, Amy Blumenthal and the chairman of the City Council Nathan Sloane.
SENATOR LEAHY: Damn, I envy you city council chairmen; you guys have to meet like, what? Once a year?
NATHAN SLOANE: We’re supposed to meet once a year, but Mayor Sarandon has called us into emergency session for the last 52 weeks.
SENATOR LEAHY: Shit, the senate’s not even convened that often.
MAYOR SARANDON: Hey, I’ve got to get important bills through sometimes.
NATHAN: Like mandating that liquor stores never close or terrorist-proofing our playgrounds?
MAYOR SARANDON: You know that parliamentary procedure can be long and complicated, don’t you, Senator Leahy? Or should I say, President pro Tempore Leahy! Congratulations on that new gig by the way.
SENATOR LEAHY: Uh, thank you.
MAYOR SARANDON: You can thank me for that, by the way.
SENATOR LEAHY: I’m sorry?
MAYOR SARANDON: Who do you think got you that gig?
SENATOR LEAHY: Um, I was appointed President pro Tempore due to the death of the former President Pro Tempore Daniel Inouye. They just made me the new President pro tem because I’m the longest-serving member of the majority party.
MAYOR SARANDON: Oh…
SENATOR LEAHY: So you lied.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes. I don’t even know what a President pro Tem does.
SENATOR LEAHY: I appoint other people to do my job for me.
MAYOR SARANDON: I’d like to have that job!
(They all laugh as Ethan, Kimberly, Ellen and Evan walk over in nice clothing)
ETHAN: Appoint me!
MAYOR SARANDON: Hey! You guys made it!
KIMBERLY: We sure did.
SENATOR LEAHY: God, I wish I could meet some more of your friends. Could you reschedule your New Years Party? Maybe to January 2nd?
MAYOR SARANDON: Um…
SENATOR LEAHY: Anyway, I gotta go. Happy New Year.
MAYOR SARANDON: You too. (He hangs up) Nice to see you’re here. Mr. and Mrs. Donahue, Mr. and Mrs. Alexander, allow me to introduce General Noah DePinto and City Council Chairman Nathan Sloane.
(They all shake hands and exchange pleasantries)
ETHAN: Where are the h’orderves?
MAYOR SARANDON: The what?
ELLEN: This place is really nice, I don’t think I’ve ever been here before, Mayor Salamander.
MAYOR SARANDON: Oh, Mrs. Alexander, it’s Mayor Sarandon.
ELLEN: Oh, silly me! I apologize, Brian.
MAYOR SARANDON: It’s Brandon, but that’s okay.
ETHAN: No, it’s not Brandon.
EVAN: Ellen, you know Brian’s name.
ELLEN: Of course, of course.
MAYOR SARANDON: So, our legal troubles-
ETHAN: Wow, sore subject.
MAYOR SARANDON: You know what else has been a sore subject lately? (Ellen clears her throat) Throat clearing! Nobody wants to talk about that.
ETHAN: Yeah, probably not.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Wait a minute, you guys said your last names are Donahue?
ETHAN: Yes, I’m Ethan Donahue and this is my wife Kimberly. Why?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Oh, no reason.
AMY: Hey guys, I can’t believe we’re going over the fistal cliff. It’s like, what’s that about?
MAYOR SARANDON: The house is supposed to vote on something tomorrow. Otherwise Reid and McConnell will go into “fisci-cuffs”. As in, like, fiscal fisticuffs. Fiscicuffs-okay, I’m going to get some horse derves.
(Mayor Sarandon walks away)
EVAN: We’ll see you around.
(Evan and Ellen walk away)
ETHAN: What was that?
KIMBERLY: I know! Why did Ellen seem so coy about Mayor Sarandon and his…name?
ETHAN Yeah, that seemed forced. But why?
AMY: Maybe Sarandon and Ellen are planning a surprise party for Mayor Sarandon.
KIMBERLY; Wha-no, that doesn’t make any sense.
ETHAN: Then who are they planning a surprise party for?
KIMBERLY: Are you really considering her narrative?
ETHAN: I’m tweaking it!
GENERAL DEPINTO: I don’t think anything’s awry.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Sarandon’s a friend of mine.
ETHAN: Impossible. Sarandon doesn’t have any real friends.
GENERAL DEPINTO: We’ve known each other for like a week.
ETHAN: Trust me, Mayor Sarandon’s not above adultery.
KIMBERLY: Who said anything about adultery?
ETHAN: I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation about Mayor Sarandon that didn’t mention adultery.
KIMBERLY: Let’s not bother with such gossip.
ETHAN: Fine, but I think something may be there.
(Cut to Delaware, Michelle, the three white kids, the black kid, Ryan and Sarah. Delaware and Ryan are both drunk, both holding beers)
DEMETRI: I was adopted from Russia.
SARAH: Really? I heard Russia banned US adoptions recently.
DEMETRI: Yes, but I believe orphans can be smuggled across the US-Russia border.
MICHELLE: There’s not a border between the US and Russia.
DEMETRI: We’re waiting until the next Pangaea. That will probably come during President Putin’s 15,00th term.
DELAWARE: (Slurred) In Pangaea Russia, journalist shoots you!
MICHELLE: Delaware, are you sure you should keep getting drunk? It’s still an hour until New Years. Plus, you have to drive.
DELAWARE: Calm down, Michelle, I’m a great drunk driver.
MICHELLE: No, you’re not. Guys, do you know that anti-drunk driving commercial where the cop stops that guy whose car is literally flooded with alcohol?
MICHELLE: Well, that actually happened to Delaware once.
DELAWARE: I was hot boxing my car with booze, don’t hate.
MICHELLE: I do hate that you did that.
DELAWARE: Michelle, could you stop being so sensitive for half a second?!
RYAN: You know what Delaware? I don’t like how you’re talking to Michelle.
RYAN: No, I don’t like it!
DELAWARE: Back the fuck off, Ryan! She’s not your girlfriend anymore!
RYAN: No, you’re being dismissive of her and you’re lying to her, convincing her thing that did happen didn’t happen even though she saw them happen!
RYAN: How about when you convinced her you didn’t hand Valerie oxycodone when she saw you do it!
DELAWARE: I didn’t convince her of that, did I Michelle?
MICHELLE: Yeah, you did, I was convinced.
DELAWARE: No I didn’t.
MICHELLE: Yes, you did.
DELAWARE: No I didn’t.
MICHELLE: Okay, you didn’t.
RYAN: That proves my point! You just convinced her that you didn’t convince her!
DELAWARE: Why don’t you back the fuck off, asshole?
RYAN: Want to go, motherfucker?!
SARAH: Oh Jesus, no.
(Delaware pushes Ryan and Ryan pushes him back)
MICHELLE: Would you stop?! You’re both drunk!
COOPER: Fight! Fight! Fight!
(People chant “fight” as they make way for a circle for the two of them to fight in. Michelle and Sarah back away. Ryan and Delaware circle each other. Ryan throws the first punch to Delaware’s face, then Delaware punches Ryan in the face and then tries to head butt Ryan in the stomach but Ryan kicks Delaware in the head, causing Delaware to fall back into that black kid’s arms)
BLACK KID: (Whispering) Delaware, stab this motherfucker. We’re a gang, so you can straight up murder this emo cunt and no one would be the wiser. We’ve got your back, nigga. Take this knife, (the black kid slips Delaware a knife, which Delaware accepts) and kill him. Go!
(Delaware gets up from the black kid’s arms)
RYAN: Come back for some more, Delaware? You know, I think I know why your parents named you Delaware. Because the only thing you’re good for is low incorporation fees! Incorporation of my fist!
(Cut to a slow motion, zoomed-in view of Delaware’s drunken, sweaty head as he thinks. His inner monologue is heard)
DELAWARE’S INNER MONOLOGUE: Should I kill him? No, of course not. I mean, I could get away with it probably, who would fuck with a gang? Yeah, kill him! He disrespected your girlfriend’s honor! And more importantly, your honor! Emo faggots like him are a diamond dozen! Ooh, say that!
DELAWARE: Emo faggots like you are a diamond dozen!
RYAN: Did you say “diamond dozen”?!
DELAWARE’S INNER MONOLOGUE: Damnit, that backfired! Just kill him! No, you can’t kill him. But there is a gang here. KILL HIM! DON’T KILL HIM! KILL HIM! NO! Don’t kill him.
(Delaware punches Ryan, knocking him out and causing Sarah to come to his assistance and for Delaware’s friends to cheer while Ryan’s friends go over to see if he’s okay)
DELAWARE: VICTORY! You can forget about band, dick brain!
SARAH: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
DELAWARE: I don’t know…
(Delaware passes out, causing his friends to come to his assistance. Cut to Madeline, Oliver, Adam, Britney, Elisa, Brandon, Kyle and Lilly at Mayor Sarandon’s New Year’s Party)
OLIVER: So much opportunity to promote Duplicit here.
BRANDON: We need to find a politician to get on Duplicit. Those assholes on Capitol Hill tweet inane talking points twelve hundred times a day! But now they can duplicit even more inane talking points, like, twenty-four hundred times a day!
KYLE: So where are the politicians?
BRANDON: Um, I see Mayor Sarandon over there.
KYLE: I supposed we could do worse.
(Oliver, Kyle and Brandon walk away)
MADELINE: Sorry about this.
BRITNEY: That’s okay. I have a thirteen year old too.
BRITNEY: Sorry, I thought I was an exhausted middle-aged mom for a second there.
ADAM: You will be an exhausted mom in about a month and a half.
MADELINE: That’s okay, I have an exhausted mom too.
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon, Ethan, Kimberly, Amy and General DePinto. Kimberly looks exhausted)
MAYOR SARANDON: And then DePinto and I shot that fucker, right in the back.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Teaches that deer to go near that bear.
ETHAN: You shot a deer because it went near a bear?
MAYOR SARANDON: It was out favorite bear!
GENERAL DEPINTO: Favorite bear!
AMY: My favorite bear is Riesling!
KIMBERLY: Help me…
(Oliver, Kyle and Brandon walk over)
OLIVER: Hello, Mr. Mayor. I am Oliver Mulvaney, and these are my associates Brandon Nehring and Kyle Lautenberg.
MAYOR SARANDON: Nice to meet you strapping young men. (He shakes hands with all of them) What can I do for you?
OLIVER: Well, we were wondering if you were willing to support our fledgling social media enterprise by signing on as a high-profile member.
MAYOR SARANDON: Where are you from, Mulvaney?
OLIVER: I’m from Rhode Island, sir.
ETHAN: He’s actually my daughter’s boyfriend.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, I usually don’t support Vermont jobs going to Rhode Island. That’s why I support a right-to-work law in Vermont so we can poach jobs from other states and destroy wages. However, any friend of the Donahues is a friend of mine. What is this social media enterprise?
OLIVER: It’s called Duplicit, and it’s like Kickass for startholes.
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m sorry?
OLIVER: It’s like Kickstarter for assholes I meant. You can create enterprises or charities online and then stab people in the back. It’s the American way!
MAYOR SARANDON: I like that! (He takes out his phone) How do I get there?
OLIVER: It’s not up yet, actually-
BRANDON: Actually, I put it up fifteen minutes ago.
OLIVER: Really? Great, it’s up! Duplicit to your heart’s delight!
MAYOR SARANDON: Sweet.
(Mayor Sarandon goes to the website, as does Ethan, General DePinto and Amy)
OLIVER: I’m also looking for advertising to get on the site.
KIMBERLY: You know, I could spend some of the budget for my business on advertising on your site-
ETHAN: AFTER my trial of course.
KIMBERLY: Of course. What’s your Duplicit handle? (Kimberly takes out her phone) I need to send you…virtual flowers or whatever.
OLIVER: My Duplicit handle is OliversTravels69.
KYLE: That’s mature.
OLIVER: I made it when I was thirteen.
BRANDON: I put it up less than half an hour ago.
(Kimberly signs up for an account and sends him a message, causing Oliver to get a message)
OLIVER: Hold on, I got a message.
(Oliver checks his phone and sees the Duplicit message “were doing this shit before the trial, keep it on the DL hughley, ya hear?”. Oliver puts his phone away and nods his head)
MAYOR SARANDON: Hey, can I send a message on Duplicit to people not on Duplicit?
OLIVER: Yeah, there’s a Facebook connect feature.
MAYOR SARANDON: Awesome. By the way, I added Ethan, Kimberly, Noah and Oliver.
OLIVER: Awesome, we’re taking off!
AMY: Why didn’t you add me?
MAYOR SARANDON: I will, let me just send this message to someone. (He sends a message and puts his phone away) There.
AMY: How are you going to add me if you’re phone’s in your pocket?
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m on Pocketer. It’ll work.
OLIVER: By the way, make sure to uncheck the “send all” box, otherwise you’ll send your message to everyone-
(Ethan’s, Noah’s, Oliver’s and Kimberly’s phones go off)
MAYOR SARANDON: SHIT.
(Cut to Ellen talking with Nathan, Evan and John Baerwald. Ellen gets a message on Facebook and takes out her phone to see the message, which is from Mayor Sarandon and reads “Hey ellen, some kid got me on this site called duplicit so now im a ‘member’” and then it shows a picture of Mayor Sarandon’s dick pressed up against the seams of his underwear. He signs off as “Tubby Bear”. Cut to Ethan, Noah, Oliver and Kimberly looking at their phones in shock. Mayor Sarandon takes a wad of cash from his wallet and gives it to Oliver)
OLIVER: Consider that an investment, kid. And keep your mouth shut.
(Mayor Sarandon walks over to a stage in the ball room they’re in. He gets up on stage and he grabs a microphone)
MAYOR SARANDON: EVERYBODY! It’s time for the countdown!
(As Ethan, Noah, Kimberly and Oliver, still shocked, cast their attention towards Sarandon on the stage, as does everybody else in the room, Mayor Sarandon turns on the TV on stage and it shows the ball in Times Square and the countdown beginning)
EVERYBODY IN THE ROOM: TEN!
(Cut to Sarah’s party. Ryan is on the couch with an ice pack on his head and Sarah by his side. Everybody else is standing around, including Delaware, who has an ice pack on his head as well)
EVERYBODY AT SARAH’S PARTY: NINE!
(Cut to Madeline, Britney, Kyle, Adam, Elisa and Lilly at Mayor Sarandon’s party)
EVERYBODY IN THE ROOM: EIGHT!
(Cut to Jacob, Roger, Ross, Beckett and Peter in the Donahue living room with drug paraphernalia and alcohol everywhere)
EVERYBODY AT JACOB’S PARTY: SEVEN!
(Cut to Troy, Ted, Mr. Daniels and other drug dealers at their drug-dealing base)
ALL THE DRUG DEALERS: SIX!
(Cut to Dirk’s Warriors in jail, along with Keith Farmella)
DIRK’S WARRIORS AND KEITH: FIVE!
(Cut to President Obama, his family and his cabinet in front of the TV in the situation room)
OBAMA ADMINISTRATION AND FAMILY: FOUR!
(Cut to Detective Zimmerman and TJ Donovan in a legal board room)
ZIMMERMAN AND DONOVAN: THREE!
(Cut to the Ghost of General Tojo and his Japanese lackeys in a bunker)
TOJO AND LACKEYS: TWO!
(Cut to Logan in the attic)
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon’s party)
EVERYBODY IN THE ROOM: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
(People pop champagne bottles, blow New Year’s Party favors and pop poppers. Many of the couples kiss, including Ethan and Kimberly, still in a shocked state. Also, Evan and Ellen kiss. Meanwhile, Mayor Sarandon pops open a bottle of absinthe and starts drinking it. He then runs of stage, goes to his friend Noah and hugs him, even though Noah is still shocked. He then goes to hug a still shocked Ethan and Kimberly)
MAYOR SARANDON: (Whispering) Don’t tell a soul, I’m begging you. (He then stops hugging them and turns around) WOO! FISCAL CLIFF! HIGHER TAXES ALL AROUND! Shit, that means me too.
(“Undone” by Weezer begins playing as we cut to Ryan and Sarah arguing on the couch while everybody else parties. Then, Ryan looks over to see Michelle and Delaware arguing on the couch. Michelle and Ryan lock eyes for a second. Then, cut to Ryan drinking Crown Royal in the kitchen. At the “If you want to destroy my sweater” part of the song, it cuts to Ryan and Delaware, along with a bunch of other people, passed out on the floor with Sarah and Michelle absent. Cut to Valerie and Delaware in the bathroom taking oxy. Cut to Mayor Sarandon drinking absinthe at the party while talking to Ethan, Kimberly, Noah and Amy. Ellen starts to walk over, but Mayor Sarandon runs away to the bathroom, where he goes into a stall and vomits. Cut to Ryan waking up on the morning of January 1, 2013. He gets up, but then clumsily falls over on a couch. Delaware gets up as well. Delaware stumbles into the kitchen and opens up a medicine cabinet and takes a bottle of Advil and takes three without water. Cut to Ryan. Ryan takes out a small, circular container labeled “Prozac”. He opens the container and takes the pill inside. Cut to Sarah waking up in her bed an seeing the time is 6:30 AM. She panics and leaves her room. She goes downstairs to see Delaware having cereal while Ryan is on his phone. Michelle comes in from the other room, looking disheveled. Ryan and Delaware nod to their respective girlfriends. As the song ends, we cut to Delaware on his computer later that day looking up the difference between impulsive murder and premeditated murder. He then brings up a word document and types “January 1, 2013” and then “I contemplated murder?”. He then displays a worried countenance. As the song ends, cut to Ryan in a hospital bed with Ethan and Kimberly sitting at his bedside and a doctor talking to Ryan. Fade to black)
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Script / Humor
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
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