The Donahues Episode 63

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan joins the Hansbay High News program and doesn’t exactly make friends, Ethan regrets installing a home theatre and Kimberly takes Jacob to see relatives in Boston, but Jacob is pressured to break his drug-free streak

Submitted: January 08, 2013

A A A | A A A

Submitted: January 08, 2013






“A writhing, contorted form, half-human, half something other. Scaly and red and burnt with hellfire. This is my inside”

  • Alex Daydream

(We start with Ethan and Kimberly standing in front of the door to Madeline’s room. Kimberly looks angry while Ethan looks excited. The bottom of the screen says “Saturday, January 5, 2013”, but that eventually goes away)

KIMBERLY: I can’t believe this.

ETHAN: What?

KIMBERLY: You BOUGHT a home theatre?!

ETHAN: Yeah, I had been promising Rob that I would convert Madeline’s room into a home theatre once I got the money, and apparently I was scheduled to get a big Christmas bonus at the end of 2012, but I quit three months before that could happen. Nevertheless, Mayor Sarandon gave it to me yesterday, so I figured, why the hell not?

(Rob walks over holding a sleeping bag)

ROB: You didn’t promise you’d convert Madeline’s old room into a home theatre! You promised that I could sleep in Madeline’s old room, which I have been for the last three weeks before you did this!

KIMBERLY: Also, money is still tight, Ethan! First it’s the wardrobe-sized shot glass, then the maids and now a home theatre?! For a conservative, you’re a big fucking spender!

ETHAN: Yeah, well this home theatre is not a food stamp office, sorry!

KIMBERLY: I can’t believe this…

(Jacob, Ryan and Madeline walk over)

JACOB: Is it ready yet?

RYAN: I have so many movies I want to watch.

MADELINE: Where am I gonna sleep?

ETHAN: Where have you been sleeping? I thought that Rob was sleeping in your room.

MADELINE: Yeah, since I came back he’s been sleeping on the floor of my bedroom.

ROB: It’s more comfortable than listening to Ryan whisper things to himself all night.

RYAN: (Whispering) You know you love it…

ROB: What’s that?

RYAN: Nothing.

KIMBERLY: Ethan, this is a no win situation. Rob and Madeline have no place to sleep except Ryan’s room, which Ryan probably doesn’t want.

JACOB: This is a “Jacob wins” situation because I am in no way affected. Now let’s go into the home theatre!

RYAN: Plus, it’s a “Ryan wins” situation because I don’t need to sleep now that I have this home theatre! All those flashing images will keep the melatonin in my brain from rising for sure!

KIMBERLY: Kids, you need to get back on your normal sleep cycles for when school starts back up on Tuesday. Plus, Jacob, we’re going to Boston tomorrow to have dinner with my family.

JACOB: Fuck, I forgot about that. Why doesn’t dad have to go?

ETHAN: I’m still preparing for my trial next week.

KIMBERLY: Plus Jacob, you don’t have to go, you’re going because you want to.

JACOB: No I’m not, can I not go?


ETHAN: Problem solved. Rob sleeps outside with Chinaberry and Madeline sleeps on the couch. Done deal?

ROB: Sounds like it.

MADELINE: Why would you agree with that? No, we need permanent places to sleep.

ETHAN: Rob will not be here permanently first of all, secondly, neither are you; you should be going back to New England Tech soon.

MADELINE: I go back on Monday, actually. Not that I want to. Thanks to House Republicans Rhode Islanders are still living under shells like Hermit crabs.

ETHAN: See? It all works out!

KIMBERLY: No it doesn’t!

RYAN: Can we stop jibbering and just go in?

KIMBERLY: Jibbering?

(Ryan and Jacob open the doors and the lights flip on to reveal a home theatre with five rows, a projector and a screen, along with movie posters for “Rebel Without a Cause”, “A Clockwork Orange”, Citizen Kane”, “The Godfather”, “Rocky”, “The Breakfast Club”, “Saving Private Ryan”, “The King’s Speech”, “Lincoln” and “Just Go With It”)

RYAN: Whoa!

JACOB: Awesome!

KIMBERLY: This looks expensive, Ethan.

ETHAN: It’s all taken care of. Look, it has posters from all the classic movies!

(Ryan walks over to the “Just Go with It” poster)

RYAN: This one seems out of place.

ETHAN: It was Dennis Dugan’s best work!

RYAN: Who?

JACOB: This is perfect, thanks dad!

ETHAN: See? Look at how happy they are!

KIMBERLY: They do seem happy.

MADELINE: Yeah, I could live with this.

ROB: And I could live outside. Into the wild, baby.

KIMBERLY: You’re not sleeping outside.

ROB: I already rented an abandoned van!

(Jacob, Ryan and Madeline go and sit down in the front row)

RYAN: Ooh, these are nice.

(Jacob presses a button on the side of the chair and it reclines back)

JACOB: A button! Genius! How did people survive before when you had to pull a lever to recline a chair?

(Ryan and Madeline both recline their chairs)

ETHAN: Kids, how about you guys watch a modern-day classic?

MADELINE: Like what?

(Ethan holds up a copy of “2016: Obama’s America”)

ETHAN: 2016: Obama’s America. It proves that Obama’s dead dad that he never talked to is his puppet master.

RYAN: No way, put in something less partisan.

ETHAN: Did you say “Parmesan”?


ETHAN: Because this movie (Holds up a DVD labeled “2016: Obama’s Italy” and Obama is depicted with a mustache and Mario cap) is a (mock Italian accent) spicy meat-a ball (regular voice) of truth.

RYAN: Alright. (Ryan gets up and walks over to the projector and kneels down to a drawer full of movies and takes out a movie called “Faceless Accusations”, depicting Megan Fox kissing the back of an office chair that appears to have a man in it whose cannot be seen, besides his elbows) What’s this?

ETHAN: Oh, that’s that movie about the guy who gets his face ripped off by a Chimpanzee and then bangs Megan Fox for comfort.

RYAN: What?! That was my idea! When did this come out?!

ETHAN: Um, I think it had a Sundance release in October of last year and then they just released it on DVD.

RYAN: Oh my God, someone stole my idea.

ETHAN: I’m sure it’s just a coincidence Ryan, don’t worry. Plus, your ideas will be appreciated soon.

(Ryan stands up)

RYAN: What do you mean?

ETHAN: I signed you up for KDGM for the upcoming second semester.

RYAN: Wait, really? You mean the school announcement/skit thing that airs all over the school?

ETHAN: Yes. You’re going to propose, produce and edit skits for KDGM, you’ll love it.

RYAN: I don’t know if I’m prepared to write skits, especially without dropping acid first.

ETHAN: This isn’t SNL Ryan, just, you need to realize that all that talent in your mind was being destroyed by drugs and now that you’re improving, you should devote that talent to KDGM. Plus, Mrs. Stem is an incredibly nice lady. At first, anyway.

RYAN: What does that mean?

(Cut to Ryan, Cooper, Kirsten, Natasha and two other guys and two other girls sitting in two different round tables in a classroom. Of the two guys, one of them has black hair and the other one has curly brown hair. One of the girls is ginger, one of them is blonde and the other one is brunette. There is a 63-year old woman with white hair sitting at a table in front of them. The date on the bottom of the screen reads “Tuesday, January 8, 2013” and it goes away eventually)

MRS. STEM: Welcome back, kids. Happy New Year. With a new year come new burdens for the show to put up with. Please welcome our newcomers, Ryan Donahue and Cooper Dickson. (They all clap and Ryan and Cooper stand up) Don’t bow, are you guys seriously going to bow? (Ryan and Cooper sit down as the applause dies down) Anyway, Ryan, Cooper, Alan and Luther will help you with getting started here, but let me just describe to you how this works. Every day you come in with an idea for a skit and you propose it by writing it down on a piece of paper. If I approve it, you take a camera and a mic and you go out and shoot it, edit it and have it in the LAN folder so I can air it the next day. If I don’t like it I will have you do announcements instead, which you will also have to have edited and in the LAN folder the next day. If you don’t have an idea I will make you come up with one on the spot while everybody stares at you. The skit could be humorous, satirical, promotional or even violent. As long as there are no mentions of boobs or weed, we’re good with the school censors.

RYAN: Are we allowed to go off campus to film if need be?

MRS. STEM: Yes, as long as you are wearing a seat belt, following all road signs and obeying all traffic ordinances.

COOPER: Awesome.

MRS. STEM: Now until you’re more adept at creating videos, Ryan and Cooper, you will be simply helping the other students with theirs as kind of a learning curve.

RYAN: Cool. I have a question, if we think a skit is going to be particularly difficult, can we have an extra day or two to complete it?

MRS. STEM: Yes, as long as you ask me, it’s in the LAN folder by the day I expect it and you’re obeying all traffic ordinances.

RYAN: …Right.

MRS. STEM: Great. Could I have your ideas for today? (Luther, Alan, Kirsten and the two other girls hand in pieces of paper to Mrs. Stem and then sit down. Mrs. Stem looks at the first piece of paper for a few seconds) So what is this exactly?

ALAN: Basically, we’re trying to promote the flask drive.

MRS. STEM: What’s the flask drive?

LUTHER: It’s a charitable drive where students are supposed to donate flasks to the homeless so they can put…water in them.

MRS. STEM: Well that’s very noble. How are you going to do it?

ALAN: Well, it says it on the paper, but we’re going to film Luther at his house stacking flasks for fun and I’m going to encourage him to donate those flasks to the flask drive.

MRS. STEM: Okay. I can accept this. Ryan, you will film for Alan and Luther. Also, with the assistance of Alan and Luther you will edit the skit in the KDGM studio. Also, you guys are going to be going off campus, so remember, you have to be wearing a road sign, following all seats belts and obeying all traffic ordinances.

LUTHER: Got it.


(Ryan, Alan and Luther get their stuff together and head out the door)

MRS. STEM: Okay, this next idea is interesting, but what exactly is butt chugging?

(Cut to Ryan, Alan and Luther walking down the hallway. Alan is wearing a red sweater with blue jeans and VANS shoes while Luther is wearing a blue sweater with red jeans and VANS shoes)

ALAN: So, Stem is crazy. She seems nice at first, but make one mistake and she’ll be on to you like a fat kid on shit.

RYAN: That’s not how that goes, did you guys coordinate or something?

LUTHER: No, we didn’t, but we mostly work together and we’ve done some pretty amazing things for KDGM. Some great skits.

RYAN: It seems like the red jeans and red shirt thing can’t be unintentional.

ALAN: Understand something, we are the only people in KDGM who are funny, all the girls are not funny at all.

LUTHER: Plus we’re pretty sure one of them’s a lesbian.

ALAN: Lesbians can’t be funny, look at Ellen or Hillary Clinton.

LUTHER: Concussion my ass! She was trying to avoid testifying on Benghazi, that was a cunt-cussion!

RYAN: First of all, that was offensive and nonsensical; secondly, you guys are wearing the same shoes, too.

(Alan, Luther and Ryan walk out the side door of the school and zip up their coats and bundle up their jackets and keep walking)

LUTHER: Fine, we coordinated, but at least we don’t spend two hours straightening our hair every morning.

RYAN: I guess I can’t criticize people for doing things that are gay.

(Alan and Luther stop dead in their tracks, causing Ryan to also stop abruptly in the middle of the parking lot. They both look at each other. Alan blinks rapidly four times and Luther blinks rapidly eight times and then they turn around to a confused Ryan)

ALAN: We just got a stroke of genius!

RYAN: You guys didn’t say anything to each other.

LUTHER: Genius stroke! Okay? Here’s the deal. We’ll give you a free one hundred for this project, but we’re going to ahead and film it later today.

ALAN: In the meantime, we’ll just go to Bernie’s Grinders.

RYAN: Oh. Okay. That doesn’t really give me any field experience though.

ALAN: I’ll teach you a thing or two about life, SON!

LUTHER: You can come with us.

RYAN: …Okay, sure.

ALAN: Great, let’s go to my car.

(Ryan, Alan and Luther start walking again towards Alan’s car. Alan gets in the front, Luther gets in the passenger seat and Ryan gets in the back. Cut to Kimberly driving her car with Jacob in the passenger seat, looking bored. The date at the bottom of the screen reads “Sunday, January 6, 2013”, but that eventually goes away)

KIMBERLY: You excited?

JACOB: I guess. I mean, it’s a three and a half-hour drive and we’re leaving tomorrow.

KIMBERLY: Don’t worry, the Altmires are good people. Actually, since Kaley is married, they’re actually the Whitelocks.

JACOB: I know, but we don’t see them that often.

KIMBERLY: That’s exactly why we’re seeing them now.

JACOB: Aren’t they way more religious than you are?

KIMBERLY: Yes, just don’t say Jesus’ name in vain while we’re there.

JACOB: I don’t say it that often. (Cut to Cut to General DePinto, Mayor Sarandon and Jacob gazing at Sarandon’s gun collection in his closet in late December 2012) Jesus, and you were never in war. (Cut to Jacob, Ross, Logan and Roger in the foyer of the Donahue household, Jacob is talking to Roger in early December 2012) Don’t give me that, you don’t know my last fucking name. How long have I known you? Almost two months? Jesus. (Cut to Jacob, Ross, Roger and Beckett talking in the lunch room in late October) “Well goodness, I sincerely hope Jesus Christ feeds my children for another calendar year or my finances will be depleted and DIS NIGGER GON’ BE STAWVIN’!” DAMNIT!

(Cut back)

JACOB: Anyway, I just hope Elton, Jackson and Cullen haven’t caught the douche flu that seems to have been around Massachusetts since Puritan times.

KIMBERLY: Douche flu isn’t covered under RomneyCare.

(Jacob chuckles as they park. They get out of the car and walk up to the front door. Kimberly knocks on it and they wait a few seconds. A 43-year old woman who bears a resemblance to Kimberly opens the door)


KIMBERLY: KALEY! (They hug. A man with a goatee walks out and Kimberly stops hugging Kaley and turns to Kaley’s husband) Craig!

CRAIG: Kimberly!

(Kimberly and Craig hug and then stop hugging)

KALEY: Jacob, oh my Gosh, you look so handsome! What grade are you in nowadays, seventh? Eighth?

JACOB: I’m a senior.

KALEY: Oh my Gosh, a senior in Middle School?!

JACOB: No, that doesn’t-I’m a senior in High School.

CRAIG: Wow, a Senior in High School. My, you’re grown-up.

(Eleven-year old Elton, eighteen year old Cullen and twenty-one year old Jackson walk out. Elton is young with curly beach blonde hair, Cullen has long dirty blonde hair)

KALEY: Elton, Jackson, Cullen, you’ve of course met Jacob.

JACKSON: I haven’t met him per se, but I have met him per accidens. (pronounced atchy-dens)

KALEY: Alright then, Jacob, you remember everybody, right?

JACOB: Yeah, I haven’t seen you guys in two years, you look so much older now.

JACKSON: Well people do age with the inexorable passage of time. It’s interesting, time as a concept is a rather confusing thing, I mean, does time exist if nothing changes? What is time if not that?

KALEY: Shh. Okay? Later. Cullen, Elton, say hi.

CULLEN: Hi! I’m Cullen. I remember the last time you came up here, you were only sixteen.

JACOB: Yes, I was but a kid then.

CULLEN: I want you to know that I prayed for you and your whole family every night since you guys left two years ago.

KALEY: Aw, that’s very sweet of you, Cullen.

CULLEN: Thanks, mom!

JACOB: Thanks, Cullen.

KIMBERLY: Thank you, Cullen.

ELTON: I’m here!

CRAIG: Yes, Elton is here.

(They all laugh)

CRAIG: Come inside!

(They all start funneling in. Cut to them sitting in the living room, talking)

KIMBERLY: So when is mom coming over?

KALEY: Oh, Kimberly, don’t say “our mom” around the children, they don’t want to know we were ever c-o-n-c-i-e-v-e-d. Anyway, Grandma Kay is coming over soon, along with Grandpa Joe.

CULLEN: Yay! I love Grandma Kay and Grandpa Joe!

JACKSON: Ugh, it sucks that I have to go back to college soon. (Ten-second pause) Ugh, it sucks that I have to go back to college-

KALEY: Jackson goes to College of the Holy Cross in Worcester.

KIMBERLY: That’s impressive.

CRAIG: He’s studying philosophy.

JACKSON: Sometimes I feel like philosophy is studying me; it really gives me a perception of what my brain is capable of, per se.

CRAIG: Fine, philosophy studies him.

JACKSON: But philosophy studies per accidens, I study philosophy per se.

CRAIG: Okay!

(Cut to January 5, 2013, when Jacob, Ryan and Madeline are in the theatre room, watching the movie with Ethan in the background)

ETHAN: Enjoy the movie, kids, tell me how it was afterwards!

RYAN: Okay, dad!

(Ethan leaves the theatre room. Cut to the movie screen, it shows a logo for “AB Productions” and then it starts with a middle-aged man sitting at a desk, writing something down)

NARRATOR: I remember it like it was yesterday. Because it was. (The scene cuts to a man in a hospital bed, his face wrapped in gauze) I just wanted to go to the zoo during my coffee break. Who doesn’t?

(Cut to the man’s boss in an office. The main character peaks is head in)

MAN: Hey, Mr. Capps, could I go get some coffee at the zoo?

MR. CAPPS: Sure, Steve. Be back before noon.

(Cut to Steve walking through the zoo, sipping on coffee. He stops at the monkey exhibit and looks inside to see a monkey on a tree. The monkey smiles at him. He smiles back. He looks around, then decides to scale the fence. He climbs up and over it, dropping into the exhibit. Steve waves again, but this time the monkey jumps onto his face suddenly. A quick cut goes back to Steve in the hospital)

NARRATOR: I survived. But I didn’t have a goddamn face or a set of eyes. I was good as blind. I had a turban wrapped around my head like an overzealous Muslim man. Or maybe like HG Wells’ Invisible Man. Like, maybe an invisible Muslim. Anyway, then she came into my life.

(Megan Fox walks in to the hospital room wearing a blue t-shirt and carrying a purse)

MEGAN FOX: Oh, sorry, this is the wrong hospital room. My bad.

(“Sexy Thing” plays while a brimming border glows around the image of her standing there in the hospital room doorway, smiling)

NARRATOR: She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my entire life. And for some reason, she kept standing there after she had already said she was in the wrong room. Plus, I didn’t actually know if she was beautiful or not because, well, I don’t have a fucking face. (The music stops, as well as the glowing effect) But, she did for some reason let me feel her breasts.

(Cut to Steve feeling Megan’s breasts while Megan smiles and Steve is still in his hospital bed. Cut to Steve and Megan on the couch in his apartment. Steve’s face is still covered in gauze and he is holding a blind walking stick. Steve and Megan are facing each other)

MEGAN: Steve, I would kill to see what was once under that gauze.

STEVE: (Craggy voice) You’ll never know, unfortunately. Unless you look at a picture of me from the past.

MEGAN: I want to see what you look like now!

(Megan puts her teeth on a bandage and begins un wrapping him with her teeth. Eventually, she completely unwraps his gauze and looks at his face, or lack thereof. She smiles at what the viewer cannot see. Then cut to Steve having anal sex with Megan Fox in his bedroom, with his face gauze back on)

MEGAN FOX: Uh! Uhhh! UHHH!!!

(Steve’s face gauze starts peeling off a little bit)

STEVE: Oops, comin’ loose!

(Cut to Ryan, Jacob and Madeline watching the movie. Ryan is drinking a Mountain Dew, Jacob is eating Cheetos and Madeline is sipping on Arizona sweet tea)

RYAN: I could’ve done this so much better.

(Cut to Alan, Luther and Ryan in the car on January 8, 2013. They are listening to “Rockin’ Around the Clock” by Bill Haley and his comets while driving)

ALAN AND LUTHER: (Singing) One, two, three o’clock, four o’clock rock! Five, six, seven o’clock, eight o’clock, rock! Nine, ten, eleven o’clock, twelve o’clock, rock! We’re gonna rock around the clock tonight! Put your glad rags on and join me hun-

RYAN: Hey, can we listen to something from this millennium?!

ALAN: Hey, 50s music is vastly underappreciated!

RYAN: Especially by me, so change it, please.

LUTHER: Would you rather we listen to some E-tard whine about his problems and use tortured metaphors?

RYAN: Yes, specifically, THIS E-tard!

(Ryan hands Luther a CD labeled “Depraved Hallway Fern First Album, viewer discretion is DESPISED :p)

LUTHER: Oh, Jesus, is this your band?

RYAN: Did you see the name of the album?


RYAN: “Viewer Discretion is despised”?

LUTHER: I said I had seen it.

RYAN: (Laughs) It’s classic. Put it in.

LUTHER: I like how shiny the CD is, isn’t that enough?

ALAN: Just put it in, get it over with.

(Luther pops out his CD and puts in Ryan’s CD)

RYAN: (On the CD singing and Ryan also lip synchs it in the background) Face the trauma, walk it off. Never have to talk it off. Just take a pill and don’t scoff, I’m a doctor, turn and cough! (Slower) Where are the real professionals? They’re not in white coats or in confessionals, they have handkerchiefs in their back pockets and pocket watches in their front. THEY’RE CALLED ELI LILLY AND THEY’RE A BUNCH OF GREEDY CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNTS! (Guitar solo) ANOTHER TRAUMA, ANOTHER PILL, NEVER DO IT OVERKILL, BUT HERE’S ABOUT 400 MILL, THAT’LL LAST YOU UNTIL, 2020 OR LONGER-

(Luther pops out the CD)

RYAN: Hey, what the hell man?

LUTHER: It’s just not my type of music.

RYAN: What was wrong with it?

ALAN: Do you take Prozac?

RYAN: Yeah man, every day. (He takes out three Prozacs and puts them down his mouth) Why?

ALAN: If you hate Prozac and the prescription drug industry, why do you take Prozac?

RYAN: AND Xanax! Okay? And you know how you start eating a bag of skittles and you just tell yourself you’re only going to eat half the bag and you end up eating the entire thing?

LUTHER: Please tell me you don’t do that with Xanax or Prozac.

RYAN: I can tell you whatever you want.

ALAN: Never mind, we’re at Bernie’s Grinders, but we’re going through the drive-through. (Alan pulls into the drive-through and goes up to the speaker) What do you want, Luther?

LUTHER: A six-inch meatball sub with extra inches.

ALAN: How many?

LUTHER: Just extra!

ALAN: Um, one six-inch meatball sub and one eight-inch meatball sub-

SPEAKER: We don’t make an eight-inch.

LUTHER: You gotta be shitting me with that!

ALAN: Are you shitting him, SON?


ALAN: Fine, just two six inches then. Ryan, what do you want?

RYAN: I will take (Ryan takes out his credit card and hands it to Alan) a sweet tea.

ALAN: No food?

RYAN: Are you calling me fat?

ALAN: I’m calling you human. (Alan takes the credit card) One sweet tea, please. On a separate bill.

(Cut to Grandpa Joe and Grandma Kay sitting in the living room with the Whitelocks and Ryan and Kimberly)

GRANDPA JOE: When I was growing up, a Negro couldn’t whistle at a white woman and get away with it. Hell, a Negro couldn’t whistle when he thought something white was big, a black train couldn’t whistle at a white woman.

KALEY: Let’s have dinner.

KIMBERLY: Sounds good.

(They all get up and sit down at the dinner table, where there is already food)

KALEY: Let’s say grace.

(They all hold hands, including Jacob and Kimberly, who are not sure what to say)

KALEY, CULLEN, CRAIG, ELTON, JACKSON, JOE AND KAY: Bless us oh Lord and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen.

JACOB AND KIMBERLY: (At the same time as their grace) I pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United States of America. And to the Republic, for which it stands-amen.

KALEY: That was nice.

ELTON: Were Jacob and Kimberly saying the pledge of allegiance?

KIMBERLY: The pledge of allegiance to God, maybe. Let’s eat!

(People start passing food and putting food on their plates and eating)

JACOB: Here’s a question. Rob is Kimberly’s half-brother, meaning that they only share on parent, but Rob was born in 1978 and Kimberly was born in 1967-

CRAIG: You’re 46?

KIMBERLY: Why do people always say I’m 46? My birthday’s in July!

JACOB: Anyway, Kay and Joe made Kimberly, but Kay and Joe didn’t make Rob, but yet they’re still together? What am I missing here?

KAY: Jacob, Joseph and I divorced in 1977 and I went off and married a Negro man I had met twelve years earlier, his name was Darren.

JACOB: But Rob isn’t half-black!

KAY: He was a sterile Negro and it was the early days of sperm banks. Sperm banks never took bailouts back then, unlike AIG and their “Thank You” ads. Even if they did take a bailout, we probably wouldn’t be able to find out who Rob’s father is.

JACOB: I’d like to meet the son of a bitch.

KAY: Anyway, I remarried Joseph in 1983 when Kimberly was only fifteen and a half, Kaley was thirteen and Rob was four and a half. Now we’ve been happily remarried for almost thirty years now.

KALEY” Please, this is not appropriate dinner table conversation, your marriage was never annulled by the Catholic Church, therefore you were never divorced and what you did with Darren was adultery!

KAY: Give me a fucking break, Kaley!

KALEY: Don’t say that in front of the children!

CULLEN: Please, don’t hurt my ears, Grandma Kay!

JACOB: Aren’t you eighteen, Cullen?

KALEY: Yes, but they aren’t allowed to use naughty language! And I read their texts every night to make sure they aren’t getting into any nefarious activities!

JACOB: Wow, that’s…an invasion of privacy.

KALEY; No privacy here! If they don’t want me to read their texts, they’ve got something to hide!

KIMBERLY: Have you ever found any dirt on them?

KALEY: Yes, Jackson once used the c-sucker word in a non-biblical context!

KIMBERLY: That word’s in the bible?

JACKSON: I was simply asking if a deaf person performed fellatio on another deaf person in the woods, would it make a sound?

KALEY: I knew I shouldn’t have let you out of this house.

(Cut to Jacob in the upstairs game room at the Whitelock’s house. He is on the couch rummaging through his duffel bag. He finds a new-looking plaid shirt and smiles. He puts on the shirt and buttons it up when Cullen comes in holding a bong)

CULLEN: What are you doing trying on a shirt at midnight, BITCH?!

(Jacob turns around)

JACOB: Cullen?!

CULLEN: That’s my name, bitch.

JACOB: I was just-why are you holding a bong?!

CULLEN: I’m gonna go outside and toke up, you in?

JACOB: Wait, you’re a stoner?!

CULLEN: Hell yeah, you really buy that bullshit about loving Jesus and all that?

JACOB: Yeah, I did.

CULLEN: I deserve a fucking Heisman trophy then.

JACOB: Do you think that trophy is for acting?

CULLEN: Are you in?


(General DePinto with a pair of angel wings appears on Jacob’s right shoulder)

ANGEL DEPINTO: Don’t do it, Private Donahue. You haven’t smoked in over two weeks! Don’t let me down Private!

(A Jacob with devil horns appears on the same shoulder Angel DePinto is on)

DEVIL JACOB: Do it! It’ll feel so good! Don’t you miss that feeling?

ANGEL DEPINTO: Woah, dude, you’re supposed to be on the other shoulder!

DEVIL JACOB: He has weird shoulder acne.

JACOB: (Whispering) Shut up about that.

DEVIL JACOB: Just do it, okay?

ANGEL DEPINTO: Hey, do you want me to go Alex Jones on your Piers Morgan ass?! God, it’s hard to talk tough when I’m in a pair of wings? I look like a total faggot! Devil Jacob looks awesome!









(They both disappear off of Jacob’s shoulders)

JACOB: Um, after consulting allegorical manifestations of what is right and wrong, I have decided I can’t smoke with you.

CULLEN: ‘Kay man, I’m not pressuring you!

(Cut to Jacob and Cullen in a ditch outside. Cullen is lighting his bong)

CULLEN: This is my special place.

(He takes a hit. Cut to January 5, 2013 when Ryan, Madeline and Jacob are watching a movie in the home theatre. Jacob is eating sliders, Madeline is drinking a Coke and Ryan pulls out a bag of Chex Mix, slowly opens it and slowly takes one pretzel out and puts it in his mouth)

JACOB: Oh my God, Ryan’s eating!


(Ryan puts the bag down. Ethan walks in)

ETHAN: Wow, how long is this movie?

MADELINE: Oh, this is a different movie. It’s a movie about a Democratic President who nominates an anti-Gay Republican to head up a Defense Department which just recently started allowing gays in service.

JACOB: It’s kind of far-fetched, but it’s good.

ETHAN: Oh, okay. Well, I was thinking maybe we could-

RYAN: Shh! Dad, he’s about to talk shit about Israel!

GUY FROM MOVIE: Israel’s not infallible.


ETHAN: Okay, well I’ll let you guys…watch that then.


(Ethan walks out of the room with his hands in his pockets. Cut to Ryan sitting in study hall while a promethean board in front of him shows KDGM. It says “Wednesday, January 9, 2013” on the bottom of the screen, but it goes away eventually. On the promethean board screen you see Kirsten giving the school news at a desk)

KIRSTEN: The football team meets after school for mandatory drug tests. So remember to ask yourself Hansbay Highlanders, will you be able to sleep at night if you ask your eleven-year old brother for his urine? Anyway, that’s all for today’s announcements now back to the show!

(Cut to a skit in which Luther is stacking tin flasks on top of each other. The lighting is pretty bad. Alan comes in and sits down)

ALAN: Luther, what are you doing?

LUTHER; What? (He looks at the camera for a second) I’m stacking flasks!

(The camera falls to the floor for a second and then it cuts back to the regular shot)

ALAN: Those flasks are for hobos for the flask drive! Hansbay High students are encouraged to bring in flasks so we can donate them to homeless people!

LUTHER: What do the hobos use the flasks for?

ALAN: You know, drinking water and…sweet tea and stuff.

LUTHER: Well I guess I gotta donate these-(cut) donate these flasks.

ALAN: Yeah.

(Cut to a title slide reading “DONATE FLACKS!” with “Kalimbo” music in the background)

RYAN: Oh Jesus.

(Cut to Ryan, Alan, Luther, Kirsten, Cooper and the two other girls in the class sitting at two different tables in the KDGM class room. The bottom of the screen shows “Thursday, January 10, 2013” but that goes away eventually. Mrs. Stem sits down at her table)

MRS. STEM: Okay, let’s get started. First of all, Ryan, Alan, Luther, what the hell was that? That skit had poor lighting, gaping editing flaws and bad acting.

RYAN: Phew…

MRS. STEM: Plus bad camera work!

RYAN: Fuck.

(Ryan glares at Alan)

ALAN: Um, that was my fault.

MRS. STEM: Why did Ryan drop the camera and why did he leave it in there?

ALAN: I…told him to do that.

MRS. STEM: Why the fuck would you tell him to do that?!

RYAN: I had nothing to do with it! Okay? We didn’t even film it last class, we went to Bernie’s Grinders and they did it later that day without me! I’m not going to take the fall because they didn’t do what they were supposed to when they were supposed to!

(Alan and Luther glare at Ryan)

MRS. STEM: Well…it was truly awful and you got a fifty. You two, Alan and Luther, the supposed Abbot and Costello of our era are not going to work together for a LONG time. You guys are coasting and it is not acceptable. (The phone goes off in the background) Whoopsie doodle! Gotta go get that.

(She walks into her office)

ALAN: Hey Ryan, do you have an idea for today?

RYAN: No, I thought I was helping you guys again.

ALAN: (Scornfully) Really? And why would you think that?

RYAN: Because she told us I would be working with one of you until I learned how to edit and shoot! I mean, why are you pissed at me? I didn’t want to be associated with something she hated that I didn’t do!

RYAN: I was trying to dissociate you from it, okay? I know how to talk to teachers, SON!

LUTHER: You threw us under the bus, man. You back over us a couple of times and then you fed us to a pack of rabid snails.

ALAN: I can’t believe my only son would do this to me.

RYAN: Just because you call everybody son doesn’t mean I’m your son.

ALAN: I don’t know what the fuck you were thinking, man. Here in KDGM we stick together. We go down together, this is like the fucking Titanic. I’m DiCaprio, Kirsten is Kathy Bates and Luther is Kate Winslet!

RYAN: So you draw Luther naked then?

LUTHER; No, I’m Kate Winslet because I love Ned Rocknroll!

RYAN: Oh my God…

ALAN: You fucked us over, man.

(Mrs. Stem comes back in and sits down behind her table)

MRS. STEM: Sorry about that, that was a delicate phone call. My phone’s made of glass. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, you two SUCK!

(Cut to Cullen and Jacob in that ditch. Jacob just took a hit off of the bong and is exhaling the smoke. His eyes are already relaxed)

CULLEN: Dude…isn’t this nice? Smoking weed in a ditch. I feel like J.R.R. Tolkien during World War I getting blazed and writing The Hobbit.

JACOB: Yeah. (Jacob hands Cullen the bong and Cullen lights it) How do you buy weed if your mom reads your texts?

(Cullen inhales and then exhales)

CULLEN: Simple, I only call people. You know, it’s funny, but her incredibly overbearing and sheltering attitude makes the use, sale and manufacture of drugs that much more appealing.

(Cullen hands Jacob the bong)

JACOB: Makes sense. Forbidden fruit. (Jacob lights the bong, inhales and then exhales and looks up to the top of the ditch to see Mumbo Jumbo, the Shaman character from Banjo Tooie, sitting on the side of the ditch, looking down at Jacob) AHHH! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!

CULLEN: What, dude?


CULLEN: What? No, he isn’t, that’s Canary Mary from Banjo Tooie.

JACOB: NO, IT’S NOT-Wait, you see Canary Mary from Banjo Tooie?



CULLEN: Dude, have you ever had all-noodle stroganoff?


CULLEN: Was it stroganoff or were you strokin’ off? OH!


CULLEN: Relax, dude, I’m just saying that weed by itself became boring for me.


CULLEN: Maybe it was DMT, who knows?


CULLEN: Dimethyltryptamine is what I mean by DMT.


MUMBO JUMBO: Hi Jacob! Do you want me to cast a shaman spell and rescue you?


MUMBO JUMBO: Oh, sorry, my shift’s over.

(Mumbo Jumbo flies away)


(Cullen goes over to Jacob and covers his mouth with his hand)

CULLEN: You need to shut the fuck up, okay? You’re going to wake my parents! (Jacob bites Cullen’s hand and Cullen removes his hand) OW! GODDAMNIT!


(Cullen takes his bong and knocks Jacob out with it)

CULLEN: …Ends justify the beans. (Cullen lifts Jacob up and puts him outside the ditch. He then climbs out of the ditch) MUMBO JUMBO, COULD YOU LEND ME A HAND? Mumbo? Ah, fuck it.

(Cullen starts dragging Jacob across the ground by the arms. Cut to January 5, 2013. Ryan, Madeline and Jacob are sitting in the home theatre clapping after a movie)

JACOB: Bravo!


RYAN: Showtime!

(Ethan flips on the lights and walks in holding scissors, glue and construction paper)

ETHAN: Family arts and crafts project!

(Cut to Jacob holding a copy of “8MM” staring Nicholas Cage while Ryan and Madeline nod their heads in agreement)

JACOB: Eight millimeter!

ETHAN: You know what? No, you guys have been in here all day!

RYAN: Yeah, you bought us a home theatre.

JACOB: With reclinable seats and a shitload of snacks.

MADELINE: That was pretty much opening Pandora’s Box, wasn’t it? Speaking of, let’s watch “Pandora’s Labyrinth”.

ETHAN: That’s not a real movie, listen, I thought you guys would watch one or two movies and then thank me for this by coming downstairs and spending time with Kimberly and I! Mostly me though.

(Kimberly comes in)

KIMBERLY: Why mostly you?

ETHAN: Hmm…I don’t know, maybe it’s because I might go to PRISON next week.

(Awkward silence)

KIMBERLY: Wait…is that why you bought them a home theatre against my wishes?

ETHAN: …I guess. I don’t know, I wanted to do something nice for you guys before I went off to the slammer.

RYAN: Wait…is there an actual chance you’ll be convicted?

ETHAN: …Yes. Ryan, there’s a chance. We’ll try as hard as we can to fight against it, but...there’s definitely a chance. Every night I think about how you guys could survive without me…it breaks my heart. To be honest though, I’m not that scared for my safety in a white collar prison.


ETHAN: BUT I am scared that I’ll be away from you guys so often.

(Ryan, Madeline and Jacob get up and walk over to Ethan)

MADELINE: Dad, I’m sure you’ll be acquitted.

RYAN: Yeah, their evidence is mostly hearsay, is it not?

ETHAN: Not all of it though. We’re going to need to put up a vigorous defense. (Choking up) I just want you guys to know…that I love every single one of you…with all my heart…this trial isn’t about acquitting me…it’s about saving you guys.

(Ethan starts crying and Kimberly hugs him from the side and Ryan, Madeline and Jacob hug him from the front as they all tear up. They start to walk out of the theatre room together as “Roll Away Your Stone” by Mumford and Sons starts playing. Cut to Ethan sitting downstairs alone. He listens to Ryan, Madeline and Jacob laugh upstairs and then he puts his head in his hands and then runs them through his hair. Cut to Kimberly shaking Jacob awake in the upstairs game room. She has her duffel bag with her and it’s morning time. Jacob wakes up to see Kaley, Elton, Jackson, Craig, Kay, Joe and Cullen. Cullen is wearing cackies, a polo shirt and a small cross around his neck. Jacob gets out from under the covers, already dressed in jeans and his plaid shirt)

KIMBERLY: You slept in your clothes?

JACOB: …I guess.

KIMBERLY: I like that shirt.

JACOB: …Thanks.

(Jacob gets his shoes on and grabs his duffel bag. As Kimberly and Kaley hug, Jacob glares at Cullen as he kisses his cross and lifts it towards the sky. Cut to Ryan sitting in the KDGM studio. Alan and Luther come in, glare at him and then sit down at two different computers. Ryan looks down at his hands and half-smiles. Ryan writes something down on a piece of paper, gets up and walks out of the KDGM studio and starts walking down the hallway. Cut to Mrs. Stem at her desk, typing. Ryan comes in and puts the piece of paper down on her desk and she looks up. Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Madeline and Ryan sitting at the dinner table, talking and laughing with each other. Cut to Ryan playing Banjo Tooie on the Nintendo 64. Jacob walks in with his duffel bag)

RYAN: Dude, I found this behind the TV, remember this game?


(As the song ends, Jacob walks into his room and slams the door as the camera zooms in on a claustrophobic close-up of the door. Cut to black)


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