“A TALE OF TWO TRIALS”
“Justice delayed, justice denied. An unjust lawyer motto and pride only to show their wit as they ride in the hall of justice with all stride. But never for lawyers who abide by truth their conscience can't hide”
(We start with Patrick White at the news desk)
PATRICK WHITE: Welcome to Hansbay Action News five at 7am. I’m Patrick White. Here is today’s News. President Obama has tapped another white guy for his cabinet. Moving on, the flu has become an epidemic in forty-one states, including Vermont. This station encourages you to bathe in hand sanitizer, wrap yourself in cellophane and hide in a toy chest to avoid contracting the flu. If you know anybody currently suffering from the flu, please draw a red X on their door so we all know what’s up.
(Cut to Fiona Cadbury)
FIONA CADBURY: A school shooting at Taft Union High School in Taft, California left one person injured, but no deaths. You know, it’s really sad, but the fact that this school shooting had no deaths made me tempted to put it into the “Lighter Side of the News” segment.
PATRICK WHITE: Welcome to America. Anyway, the big story here in Hansbay is the impending trial of Mayor Sarandon’s Chief of Staff, Ethan Donahue. Donahue’s trial begins today and Mayor Sarandon’s trial, after a two month adjournment, will reconvene today. We have the not-at-all biased Matthew Chambliss outside the courthouse live. (Cut to a split screen with Patrick White in the studio and Matthew Chambliss outside the Chittenden County courthouse holding a microphone) Matthew, what is the general mood of the prosecution in this case?
MATTHEW CHAMBLISS: (Five second pause for the delay) Yes, Patrick. I spoke with TJ Donovan and James Mongeon, both Vermont State’s attorneys, and they feel confident that both Mayor Sarandon and Mr. Donahue will be convicted and sentenced. Mayor Sarandon is being charged with misuse of public funds and is looking at potentially being sentenced to ten years, meaning he would be out of jail in 2023 when he will be sixty-one years old.
PATRICK WHITE: I see. Matthew, what kind of charges and potential jail time is Mr. Donahue looking at?
MATTHEW CHAMBLISS: (Fifteen second pause for delay) Yes, Mr. Donahue is looking at potentially twenty-seven years in prison for bribery, extortion and misuse of public funds. He would be seventy-four when released in 2040.
PATRICK WHITE: Matthew, your fifteen minutes away from our studio, there’s no way the delay is that bad.
MATTHEW CHAMBLISS: Yeah, sorry, I just…see people on CNN doing that.
PATRICK WHITE: Matthew, aren’t you testifying on behalf of the prosecution?
MATTHEW CHAMBLISS: Yes, but that does not make me in any way biased against Mr. Donahue when reporting on that cockgobbler.
PATRICK WHITE: Please tell me we’re operating on a delay.
MATTHEW CHAMBLISS: C’mon, what kid hasn’t heard the world cockgobbler?
PATRICK WHITE: Probably a lot of them! Matthew, what do you hear from random people surrounding the courthouse?
MATTHEW CHAMBLISS: I spoke to one man who walked by and I asked him what he knew about the case. He in turn, asked me about where the nearest Laundromat was and I instructed him thusly.
PATRICK WHITE: …’Kay. Now, is this going to be a televised?
MATTHEW CHAMBLISS: No, the judge has ordered that no cameras are to be allowed in the courtroom. That is why the verdict will be given to reporters while they are standing out here.
PATRICK WHITE: Okay, will you guys be informed fo the verdict using semaphore like the Martha Stewart case?
MATTHEW CHAMBLISS: No, we will be informed of the jury’s decision through interpretive dance.
PATRICK WHITE: Won’t that inevitably lead to some miscommunication?
MATTHEW CHAMBLISS: Patrick, we’re the media, we don’t need to report something right as long as we report it first. Ask former President Al Gore or the Justice who overturned ObamaCare.
PATRICK WHITE: Okay, thank you, Matthew and good luck with your testimony.
MATTHEW CHAMBLISS: Thank you, Patrick. You know, I could totes (takes out his iPhone) film a little bit of the courtroom proceedings and send it to you.
PATRICK WHITE: You totes couldn’t because that’s illegal and you just admitted on live television.
MATTHEW CHAMBLISS: I’m saying totes now.
PATRICK WHITE: Thank you, Matthew. (Matthew’s box goes away) Hansbay Action News Five will continue to cover this story as developments…develop. Fiona?
FIONA CADBURY: The Burlington, Vermont city council is considering an assault weapons ban for the city, which would be a major reversal of policy for a major city in a state that has some of the loosest gun laws in the country.
(Cut to Ethan, Micah and Kimberly watching Hansbay Action News in a boardroom. Ethan, Kimberly, Sue and Micah are wearing their courtroom clothing. Ethan turns off the TV)
ETHAN: Stupid Burlington City Council, this is Vermont, who would shoot up an ice cream factory?
KIMBERLY: That’s what you’re upset about with that broadcast? A guy who is testifying against you is also reporting on you.
ETHAN: Yeah, he is an asshole. How are we going to argue against his testimony?
MICAH: Well, he’s testifying that you blackmailed him with information regarding his proclivity for African-American prostitutes to cover up a scandal involving Mayor Sarandon’s proclivity for Caucasian prostitutes.
ETHAN: But we could say he’s lying! It’s his word against ours, where’s his proof?
SUE: Well, there are cell phone records showing that you called Mr. Chambliss at 5:47 PM on Monday, March 19, 2012.
ETHAN: Maybe I called him to “what up playa?”
SUE: Almost sounds logical, but then why the hell would he, immediately after he hung up on you, pull the career-making news story that was Mayor Sarandon’s whore mongering?
KIMBERLY: Maybe we could say that Ethan and Matthew were having an affair with each other.
ETHAN: What? Why?!
KIMBERLY: It makes it believable! The jury will think, “If they were lying, why would they embarrass the defendant like that?”
ETHAN: I think I’d rather go to prison than have the entire town think I’m homosexual.
KIMBERLY: Trust me, everybody in prison is homosexual.
ETHAN: Jesus Christ…so what about the whore that I talked to when I found out that Matthew had jungle fever? Is she going to testify against us?
MICAH: No, Ms. Sterns passed away in December.
ETHAN: Oh. That’s…unfortunate.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, how did she pass away?
MICAH: She tried to eat herself out and broke her neck.
ETHAN: Wow, okay, moving on.
MICAH: The weird thing is that she was trying to eat out her asshole.
ETHAN: MOVING ON! What about Vice Chair Edelman? Is she testifying?
SUE: Yes, she is testifying that you bribed her on the afternoon of Wednesday, June 6, 2012 to cover up the fact that Mayor Sarandon drunkenly flashed her.
ETHAN: But I gave her five-hundred dollars, accepting that bribe would also be a crime!
SUE: The state is willing to drop the charges against her in order to secure her testimony.
ETHAN: Goddamnit, how many witnesses do they have?
MICAH: Well, they have more. Hotel workers from the Hilton in the Cayman Islands, a travel agent who worked out the Cayman Islands trip, Matthew Chambliss of course, Patrick White and Mayor Sarandon’s ex-wife.
KIMBERLY: Isn’t his wife dead?
MICAH: His most recent wife is dead, yes, but he had a wife before that named Dina Sarandon, or Dina Meadows, rather. They divorced in May 1998.
ETHAN: I remember Dina. When Sarandon was just a city council member, Dina would bring us sandwiches while we drafted resolutions and stuff in his room.
KIMBERLY: You mean their room?
ETHAN: No, they slept in separate bedrooms. But God, when they divorced, I never saw it coming.
KIMBERLY: Sounds like you should’ve.
ETHAN: Well, they rarely spoke to each other; Sarandon told me it was because they respected each other too much. Why would she be relevant to this case though?
MICAH: Apparently she is aware of Mayor Sarandon’s habit of drunkenly flashing people.
SUE: But there’s an easy way to argue against that, we’ll just say that that detail is not germane to the case and that we’re trying you for corruption, not trying Mayor Sarandon for flashing.
MICAH: They’ll of course argue that his flashing would be a huge scandal and that would give Ethan cause to want it covered up.
ETHAN: Well I’ll of course have a huge outburst during the proceedings and curse out the prosecuting attorney!
MICAH: We both know that’s not helpful.
ETHAN: It makes me feel better. So what are our strong points and weak points, Schultz?
MICAH: Our strong points are the 2011 Hansbay Law allowing for use of public funds for trips relating to official business of the city.
SUE: Now, how do we justify the extravagant spending, including the purchase of a lock of Ann Romney’s horse Rafalca’s hair for 1200 dollars?
ETHAN: I was told it was Ann Romney’s hair.
SUE: Doesn’t make you look any better.
MICAH: What, if any, city-related activities did you attend to while in the Caymans?
ETHAN: Um…we went to a bank to withdraw some of my money, but I forgot to bring the number for my money.
MICAH: Boom! Right there, we could say you were going to use the money to sure up the city’s coffers. You’ll look like a generous man!
ETHAN: I am a generous man!
MICAH: Yeah, and I’m a scrupulous lawyer, can we cut the bullshit here?
ETHAN: I’m innocent, you know.
MICAH: A few minutes ago you told me that you gave Ms. Edelman five hundred dollars.
ETHAN: I meant…birthday…money.
(As Micah drones on, the camera closes in on Ethan, looking ashamed. Cut to Mayor Sarandon in a pair of athletic shorts and a very tight green jersey reading “HANSBAY HIGHLANDERS 79”. He is on a tennis court holding a tennis racket. On the other side of the net is Evan Alexander, also in athletic gear. Evan is bouncing the ball while holding the racket)
MAYOR SARANDON: C’mon, Evan, hurdle that shit towards me!
EVAN: You keep missing!
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m a bit rusty, I haven’t done this in like thirty-four years. Hit me, Dick, hit me!
EVAN: Mr. Mayor-
MAYOR SARANDON: Stay down, Rocky! Stay down!
MAYOR SARANDON: Miyagi hate fighting.
EVAN: Wrong movie, Brian, shouldn’t you be preparing for the trial?
MAYOR SARANDON: I always prepare for major life events like this.
EVAN: You just said you haven’t done this in thirty-four years.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, you can tell how often I have sex.
EVAN: You play tennis before you have sex?
MAYOR SARANDON: Always, it increases the blood flow to the dick. That’s pseudoscience right there.
EVAN: Yeah, it is.
(David Merkely walks over)
DAVID MERKELY: Wow.
MAYOR SARANDON: Hey, Merks. You ready for the trial?
DAVID: You evidently aren’t; that jersey is so tight!
MAYOR SARANDON: I was a skinny kid.
DAVID: Now you’re a portly adult about to stand trial for embezzlement, so suit up.
MAYOR SARANDON: Your vibe right now is so mellowing my game!
DAVID: Good! Because your game should be to prepare for a criminal proceeding!
MAYOR SARANDON: Fine! I’ll put on a suit!
(Mayor Sarandon walks away. Cut to Mayor Sarandon sitting in court in a suit with a headband on. David sitting next to him while the gallery take their seats)
DAVID: I have no idea why you insisted on wearing that headband.
MAYOR SARANDON: You wouldn’t let me keep my athletic equipment on, so I kept the headband.
DAVID: You didn’t have that headband when you were wearing the athletic equipment. Do you want to get off the right way or should we use your behavior to justify an insanity defense?
MAYOR SARANDON: Fine. (Mayor Sarandon takes off his headband) But you owe me one.
DAVID: After you get acquitted I don’t think I’m going to talk to you again.
(A police officer walks up to the front of the courtroom as the gallery, defense, prosecution and jury take their seats)
POLICE OFFICER: Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye, all rise for the honorable Judge Benjamin McGlynn.
(Everybody rises as Judge McGlynn walks up to the dais and sits down. He slams his gavel)
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Everybody please have a seat. (Everybody sits down) Today we are reconvening after our brief two month recess to continue to decide whether or not Brian Sarandon is guilty of embezzlement of public funds or not. In the name of our children and our children’s children, I call this court to order.
DAVID: Wow, he’s milkin’ it.
MAYOR SARANDON: Let the man have his fifteen minutes!
JUDGE MCGLYNN: As Thomas Jefferson once said, “Ask not what to fear, but fear itself.” I think the proceedings today embody that all-American ideal. Now, will the prosecution calls its first witness?
(TJ Donovan stands up)
TJ DONOVAN: Your honor, I call Isabelle Babineau to the stand.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Without objection, so ordered.
(Isabelle Babineau, a French maid in a French maid’s outfit, walks up to the stand and the cop pulls out a bible and she puts her hand on it)
COP: Raise your right hand. (She raises her right hand) Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
ISABELLE: Je fais.
(The cop walks away and Isabelle sits in the witness box. TJ walks over to Isabelle)
TJ: Isabelle…Isabelle, do you speak English?
ISABELLE: Yes sir.
TJ: Please...(long pause while he smiles) call me TJ.
ISABELLE: Yes sir.
TJ: Um…anyway, where did you work in April and May of 2012?
ISABELLE: (French accent) I worked at the Cayman Islands Hilton Hotel.
TJ: I see. Were you a maid?
ISABELLE: I was.
TJ: When Mayor Sarandon, Ethan and Timothy stayed at the hotel you worked at, was Mayor Sarandon loud and boisterous?
(David stands up)
DAVID: Objection, your honor. Leading.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Sustained.
(David sits down)
TJ: How would you describe Mayor Sarandon’s behavior?
DAVID: (Sarcastically) Well that was helpful.
MAYOR SARANDON: C’mon, she probably doesn’t even know what that means!
TJ: Your honor, can we have order?
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Order, please.
TJ: What kind of things did Mayor Sarandon do?
ISABELLE: Monsieur Sarandon would be obnoxiously loud, drunkenly staggering around the hotel with his friends, Monsieur Donahue and Monsieur Sessions. Monsieur Sarandon would frequently sing “Why Don’t We Do it in the Road” by the Beatles, but he wouldn’t get the lyrics right, which is borderline impressive because there’s only two lines in the entire song and one of them’s the title.
DAVID: Objection, irrelevant.
JUDGE MCGYLNN: Overruled, he should’ve known them. Continue, Mr. Donovan.
TJ: Thank you, your honor. Madame Babineau, did you ever at any point see Monsieur Sarandon do anything related to the Governance of his city?
ISABELLE: Honestly, I thought Monsieur Sarandon was an insurance salesman from Boise.
TJ: I pray you, Madame Babineau. Why did you think that?
ISABELLE: Because he told me that he was when trying to get my number.
(TJ turns to the jury)
TJ: Does any of that sound like official city business to you, ladies and gentleman of the jury?
MAYOR SARANDON: Hey, chicks dig insurance salesmen!
(Judge McGlynn slams the gavel)
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Monsieur Sarandon, one more outburst like that and I will hold you in contempt of court.
MAYOR SARANDON: Are you all calling me that because she did?
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Order! Mr. Donovan, continue.
TJ: Thank you, your honor. Just to clarify to the court, did you see Monsieur Sarandon ever engage in city-related business?
(The jury gasps)
TJ: Wow, I didn’t expect the jury to gasp because that was pretty heavily implied earlier, but I’m liking the shock. I have no further questions, your honor.
(TJ sits down at his table. Cut to Ryan, Madeline, Jacob, Rob and Kimberly sitting in the gallery right behind where the defendant, Ethan, is supposed to be seated. Jacob is dressed in a suit, Madeline is in a dress, Kimberly is in a dress, Rob is in a tuxedo and Ryan is in a black hooded sweatshirt with no zipper and is listening to his iPod)
JACOB: Wow, this is going to be painful to watch.
MADELINE: I know. Dad could go to jail.
JACOB: And he’s not enough of an asshole to bribe a jury or a judge.
MADELINE: But apparently he’s enough of an asshole to commit these crimes in the first place.
KIMBERLY: Let’s not have talk of that, chillums.
JACOB: Ryan, are you seriously listening to your iPod right now? (Pause) Ryan?
(Jacob pulls out Ryan’s ear buds and Ryan turns his head)
JACOB: You’re listening to your iPod at dad’s trial and you’re way underdressed.
RYAN: I’m wearing my best pair of skinny jeans and my best pair of VANS shoes, don’t give me underdressed. Plus, I’m only listening to my iPod BEFORE dad’s trial. Once the trial starts, I’ll only have one ear bud in.
JACOB: So you’ll still be listening to it then.
RYAN: That’s correct.
JACOB: No, it’s not, the Judge won’t allow it.
RYAN: He can listen too, it’s one of those extendable zipper ear buds, I once listened to All Time Blow with a kid living in Shelburne.
JACOB: You know, you’ve been a real emo kid for the last, thirty five, maybe thirty six months, when are you going to get over this phase?
RYAN: Dad’s about to stand trial and you’re concerned about some subculture?
ROB: Guys, it’s going to be fine. Ethan’s going to pull through, he’s a tough one.
KIMBERLY: It all depends on his lawyer.
RYAN: That’s true. Hey Rob, go serve his lawyer wine.
(Jacob, Madeline, Kimberly and Ryan laugh)
ROB: I rented this tux two months ago and I have yet to return it!
RYAN: Why did you say like it was a defense?
(The cop walks up to the head of the court room as the jury, gallery, prosecution and defense sit down)
COP: Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye, please rise for the Honorable Judge Hayden Marwick.
(Everybody rises as Judge Marwick walks up to the dais and sits down. He is wearing a powdered wig and a judge’s robe)
JUDGE MARWICK: (British accent) The court will come to order.
(Cut to Ethan, Micah and Sue sitting behind the defense’s table)
ETHAN: (Whispering) Who is this foppish dandy?
MICAH: (Whispering) This foppish dandy moved here from the United Kingdom and I guess he’s having trouble letting go of his old ways.
JUDGE MARWICK: Order, please. Your impertinent deportment is voraciously unbecoming of you. Today we will begin proceedings on the case of State of Vermont V. Ethan Donahue. Does the prosecution have any opening arguments?
(The prosecutor, Mary Morrissey, rises)
MARY MORRISSEY: Yes, your honor. (Mary walks past her table) It is well-known that Vermont is one of the least corrupt states in the union. And ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if we would like to keep it that way, we have to root out corruption, criminality and avarice in all its forms. About six months ago, Vermont State Police Sergeant James Deeghan was arrested for padding his paycheck. Now, both Mayor Sarandon and his chief of Staff Ethan Donahue are under investigation for corruption. Let’s battle the cancer before it metastasizes, ladies and gentleman of the jury. You all are handsome, young and vibrant, right? Ready to stick it to the man? (Cut to the jury, which is composed mostly of tired-looking, middle-aged white men, except for one much older man) You can do that in this trial. Just like during the Nixon administration. Or…(Cut to a particularly old looking man on the jury) Jesus, maybe the Wilson administration. Anyway, if you did vote to convict you’d be doing it for good reason. On the first charge of bribery, Mr. Donahue witnessed Vice Chair Edelman get an eye full of Sarandon genitalia and handed her a couple of clams to keep quiet about the snake with saggy tits she had just seen.
(Micah stands up)
MICAH: Objection, your honor!
ETHAN: That was actually pretty good.
JUDGE MARWICK: Order! (He slams his gavel) There will be order in this court! Mrs. Morrissey, such vulgarisms are quaint and incongruous to these proceedings!
MARY: I apologize, your honor. May I continue?
JUDGE MARWICK: You may.
MARY: Your honor, this man bribed Ms. Edelman. He is also being charged with extortion, which is a fancy word for blackmailing, ladies and gentleman of the jury. (Cut to the jury. Its members look increasingly bored and gaunt. A fly is flying around one of their heads and one of them very slowly pushes up his glasses. Cut back to Mary) Is any of this getting through? All right, anyway, he blackmailed a reporter named Matthew Chambliss with scandalous information about his penchant for prostitutes. All in order to cover up a story about his boss, Mayor Sarandon’s penchant for…you guessed it. Prostitutes. He does it all for him, doesn’t he? One other thing, ladies and gents of the jury. Mr. Donahue, his boss Mayor Sarandon and the late treasurer of Hansbay Timothy Sessions spent Hansbay taxpayer money on an expensive boon doggle to the Cayman Islands! (An audible gasp is heard from the jury. Cut to the jury, which looks as bored if not more than before) Even after they gasp they look bored. Anyway, yes, it is crazy. But that’s precisely what they did. We have a litany of witnesses, experts and celebrity guest stars to bring out today and in the coming days so as to validate the truth of Mr. Donahue’s guilt. That truth will be revealed. If not today….(puts an H sound before the W) a-hwhen? (Mary smiles) I have no further opening statements, your honor.
JUDGE MARWICK: Thank you, Mrs. Morrissey. Mr. Schultz?
MICAH: Yes, your honor. I am ready. (Micah stands up and walks to past his desk as Mary sits down) Your honor, it is very important for us to not fall victim to the curse of Salem. The Salem, Massachusetts witch trials resulted in the deaths of…let’s say hundreds of innocent people, according to a cursory glance at its Wikipedia page. Those trials taught us an important lesson. Do not persecute a group of people for the actions of a few and call anything bad that ever happens to you a witch hunt. Usually it would be considered the smooth evasion of a politician, but not in this case, your honor. Ever since the case of Sergeant Deeghan, there has been a witch hunt for corrupt politicians. Unfortunately, pillars of the community have been swept up in the hysteria. Like moths to flame. Like dust to dusty window sills. Mr. Donahue has long been a pillar of the community. He served as Mayor Sarandon’s Chief of Staff for eleven years until he left last September, but even now he recently returned to his position. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ask yourselves, how is it that Mr. Donahue was never accused of corruption before 2012? If he had served for eleven years with no problems, is it just a coincidence that these scurrilous accusations began flying towards him and the Mayor after Sergeant Deeghan’s arrest? I don’t think so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I mean, look at you people. You guys are involved in a case with statewide significance. If you voted to acquit, you would potentially be seen as the jury brave enough to defy the media pressure and come to a just verdict. Your father would finally be proud of you. Your wife would call you “The Judge” in bed. You could impress that girl from accounting who thinks OJ was innocent. And you would have just reason as well. Mr. Donahue did not bribe Vice Chair Edelman because Mayor Sarandon never flashed anybody. Ms. Edelman is a Democrat in a majority Republican city government; it is understandable that she would want to exact some petulant form of political revenge because Sarandon vetoed a bill to put speed limit signs where speed limits are. Pure political posturing with a pompous propinquity to Peter Piper picked a pickle peppers. Uh, sorry. Anyway, Mr. Donahue did not blackmail anything from Mr. Chambliss. Nor did he have any idea about Mr. Chambliss’ preferred…let’s say, brand of women. Specifically, prostituted Americans. Mr. Chambliss is simply making up a story to increase his ratings. I’m outraged.
SUE: (Whispering) A little more passion.
MICAH: I AM OUTRAGED!
SUE: (Whispering) Split the difference.
MICAH: (Yoda voice) Outraged, I am.
SUE: (Whispering) That’s a Yoda impression.
MICAH: The fact remains that Mr. Donahue is innocent of any wrongdoing. The supposed boon doggle he took with Mayor Sarandon and the late Tim Sessions back in the spring of 2012 was strictly for business purposes. Yes, there were wild nights. I’m sure everybody on the jury knows what I’m talking about. But all that levity was simply for the purpose of increasing morale. But Mr. Donahue’s main mission in his voyage to the Cayman Islands was to withdraw money from a tax shelter he had there. That money was going to be invested, right out of Mr. Donahue’s own pocket, into the well-being of the city of Hansbay. Unfortunately, he left his account password in America. But that was the main purpose of his trip. I dare anyone to defy that with any definitive proof. Your Honor, I have no further opening statements.
(Micah takes his seat. Cut to Patrick White at the News desk with Fiona Cadbury)
PATRICK WHITE: We are continuing to follow the developments in the trial against Mr. Ethan Donahue and Mayor Brian Sarandon. We are now joined by Matthew Chambliss (Matthew Chambliss appears live outside the court in the split screen) who is live outside the courthouse. Matthew, you’re going to testify on behalf of the prosecution shortly, correct?
MATTHEW: That’s correct, Patrick. That is why I am leaving my post as Hansbay News reporter and going to my post as citizen soldier. Fighting for justice. HOOAH! Meanwhile, my father, Richard Chambliss, will take my place.
(Richard Chambliss comes in and hugs Matthew. They pat each other on the back numerous times and then Matthew walks towards the courthouse and Richard takes the microphone)
RICHARD: I am briefly back from a brief retirement to take my son’s place while fights for justice. I am going to be right outside this courthouse just in case there any new developments regarding the…(looks behind him and then looks back at the camera) exterior design of the courthouse. If it changes colors, you’ll be the first to know, Patrick.
PATRICK: Thank you, Richard. (Richard’s box goes away) In other news, AIG CEO Bob Benmosche is filing a lawsuit against his mother for feeding him formula instead of natural breast milk.
(Cut to Matthew Chambliss on the stand. Mary Morrissey is questioning him)
MARY: Mr. Chambliss, can you describe the events of Monday, March 19, 2012?
MATTHEW: Well, I was on my laptop when it turned midnight and I think I was looking up the Kony 2012 video I had heard so much about-
MARY: Can you condense this description a bit?
MATTHEW: Yes. Mr. Donahue took my father and I out to dinner to demand that we not run a story about Mayor Sarandon’s whore mongering. He attempted to bribe us with promises of Sea World and tuition for my kids. A trip to Disney Land might’ve worked, but we refused.
MARY: I see, and why did you decide to ultimately pull the story?
(Matthew points at Ethan)
MATTHEW: That’s the guy!
MARY: You’re getting a little ahead of yourself.
MATTHEW: Sorry. (Clears throat) I did it because someone called me and told me that if I ran the story, he’d reveal that I like prostitutes myself. Usually African-American ones named Tyra who have tattoos of Mandela and Malcolm X riding a carousel. May she rest in peace.
MARY: I see. So that is why you pulled the story?
MARY: I see. Your honor, (she turns around and faces the gallery and holds up a manila folder) I would like to submit Exhibit A, which are cell phone records showing that Mr. Donahue called Mr. Chambliss at 5:47 PM on Monday, March 19, 2012.
JUDGE MARWICK: Without objection, so ordered.
(Mary sets the cell phone records on the Judge’s desk and then walks back over to Mr. Chambliss)
MATTHEW: It was him!
(Matthew points to Ethan)
MARY: I just said it was him.
MATTHEW: You’re taking away my moment!
JUDGE MARWICK: Order.
MARY: I have no further questions, your honor.
(Mary walks back to her desk. Micah rises)
MICAH: Your honor, permission to cross-examine the witness?
JUDGE MARWICK: Without objection.
(Micah walks over to Matthew)
MICAH: Mr. Chambliss, when was the telephone invented?
MARY: Objection, your honor. Irrelevant.
MICAH: Your honor, this line of questioning is germane, you just have to let me finish.
JUDGE MARWICK: Well, I’m not a fan of Germans, but I’ll let you continue. Just hurry up and make your point.
MICAH: Thank you, your honor. I’m not a fan of Germans either. Mr. Chambliss, when were telephones invented?
MATTHEW: Um, I believe the first one was invented in 1876, about 137 years ago.
MICAH: Correct. What was the first sentence to be transported over a wire, Mr. Chambliss?
MATTHEW: Um…I think it was like, “Watson! Come here! I want to see you!”
MICAH: Correct! Absolutely, Mr. Chambliss. Were the first words spoken over a wire “Watson, come in here, I want to blackmail you”?
MATTHEW: Um, no.
MICAH: Exactly. (He turns around) People can say anything they want over a wire, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. They can say “Hey, when is the game on?” or “Let’s get some beer to watch the game”. (Cut to the jury, still looking bored. One is wearing a New England Patriots sweatshirt and a tie underneath) “Let’s watch the Patriots Game”. Those are things people can say over a telephone. So when the prosecution claims that Mr. Donahue blackmailed Mr. Chambliss over the phone and then point to a cell phone record showing that Mr. Donahue contacted Mr. Chambliss at 5:47 PM on Monday, March 19, 2012, that is irrelevant! Mr. Donahue could’ve called Mr. Chambliss for any reason and said anything to him and Mr. Chambliss could be simply lying to advance his own ends.
MATTHEW: Hey, I swore on a bible! That’s God’s bestselling book!
MICAH: I have no further questions, your honor.
JUDGE MARWICK: I would hope not.
(Micah sits down next to Ethan and Sue)
ETHAN: (Whispering) The Graham Bell defense? Are you fucking kidding me?
MICAH: (Whispering) I’m trying my best!
ETHAN: (Whispering) Didn’t you go to Harvard?
MICAH: Hey, my ancestor defended the guy who assassinated President Garfield!
ETHAN: What happened to that guy?
MICAH: He was hung.
ETHAN: Then how does that prove your point?
MICAH: I don’t know, but President Garfield’s last words were “I hate Mondays”.
ETHAN: Just don’t!
SUE: How about I take the ball?
ETHAN: Yes, this defense is a sausage fest, so let’s bring in the clam. You’re in, Farenthold!
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon’s trial. David rises)
DAVID: Your honor, I call the right honorable Brian Leonard Sarandon the first to the stands.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Without objection, so ordered.
(Mayor Sarandon walks up to the stands and sits down as David walks over to him)
DAVID: Monsieur Sarandon, is it true that Mr. Donahue went to the Cayman Islands specifically to withdraw money from his tax shelter there?
(Cut to the Hispanic bank teller from TDEP8 on the stands at Ethan’s trial. Sue is questioning him)
BANK TELLER: (British accent) Yes m’am.
SUE: So Mr. Donahue did come to the bank specifically to take out money from his bank account?
BANK TELLER: Yes, ma’am.
SUE: Was he able to procure that cash?
BANK TELLER: He was not. He did not have the password.
SUE: I see. Why did he not have the password?
BANK TELLER: He left it at home. Which by the way, is something I do all the time. Guilty as charged!
MICAH: Calm down, he’s not reading your verdict.
BANK TELLER: I swear, I lose so many things; you’d think I was the Mets!
SUE: Are you trying to practice your stand-up in front of us right now?
BANK TELLER: I have more. I like who they put in the Baseball Hall of Fame this year, because as far as I’m concerned, Barry Bonds is a nobody!
SUE: That’s enough, thank you. Your honor, I have no further questions.
(Sue walks back to the stands. Cut to TJ Donovan showing the security camera footage of Mayor Sarandon, Ethan, Tim and a prostitute walking into a hotel room in the Cayman Islands on a TV in the courtroom while Mayor Sarandon is on the stands)
TJ: Monsieur Sarandon, are you willing to admit that those three men are you, Ethan and Timothy Sessions?
MAYOR SARANDON: Which three men?
TJ: The-…the ones in this video.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, one of them is me. It’s not the one with the dress though.
(The jury and gallery laugh)
TJ: Spoken like a true politician. Are the other two men Ethan and Tim?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes.
TJ: And what about this scantily-clad woman?
MAYOR SARANDON: That is a consultant.
TJ: A consultant of your dick?
MAYOR SARANDON: No, a marketing consultant.
TJ: Were you guys trying to attract the 18-24 dick demographic to the mouth?
MAYOR SARANDON: Your honor!
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Mr. Donovan, please.
TJ: Fine. So your saying this woman is a prostitute?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, she just dresses like a whore.
TJ: Why would you need a marketing consultant anyway?
MAYOR SARANDON: We wanted more Cayman Islanders to come to Hansbay. Vermont has very few Pacific Islanders and as long as they don’t take our jobs, we want them to come.
TJ: So what consulting firm does this woman work for?
MAYOR SARANDON: The name was in Swedish, I couldn’t understand it.
TJ: The Cayman Islands are British possession.
MAYOR SARANDON: I can’t understand British either. I think it was like, “Jolly Roger’s Tea-Sipping Marketing Firm, Jolly Good” or something like that.
TJ: Jesus Christ.
(Cut to Mary questioning Patrick White)
MARY: What did Mr. Chambliss say when he told you he was pulling the story?
PATRICK: He said he had accidentally set the proof on fire while trying to light a crack pipe.
MARY: He concealed his penchant for whores with a fake crack addiction?
PATRICK: Yes. In his defense, they were black whores. It’s kind of embarrassing.
MARY: Ignoring that, I have no further questions.
(Mary sits down and Sue gets up)
SUE: I have no desire to cross-examine, your honor.
JUDGE MARWICK: Very well. Mr. White, you are dismissed.
(Patrick White gets up and walks out of the courtroom)
SUE: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, to convict beyond a shadow of a reasonable doubt is our duty here today. What is the prosecution’s evidence? Beyond circumstantial drivel, nothing. A phone record showing that a call was made, eyewitness accounts from people who were not in the presence of Mr. Donahue, Mr. Sarandon and Mr. Sessions the entire time during their Cayman Islands trip and a he-said she said claim of bribery from a Democratic rival of Mr. Donahue’s and the Mayor’s. Where is the hard proof, ladies and gentlemen? The answer is simple. Nah.
(Sue walks over and sits down. Ethan and Micah pat her on the back as Mary walks past her table)
MARY: Actually, there is proof. Hardcore proof.
RYAN: Post-hardcore proof?
JUDGE MARWICK: Order!
MARY: Here it is, exhibit B. (She holds up a check for 12,000 dollars from the Vermont Department of Taxes and made out to the City Government of Hansbay, Vermont for “Official poon-related Government activities”) This is a check from the Vermont Department of Taxes and it is made out to the Hansbay City Government. In the memo it says “for official poon-related activities”. Now this check is a copy of the original check, which is being used as evidence in the companion case “State of Vermont V. Brian Sarandon”. Poon-related activities? Do you think they were hunting whales, your honor? No, they were having sex. Their Moby Dick was their own-
(Judge Marwick bangs the gavel)
JUDGE MARWICK: We talked about this!
MARY: Sorry. Your honor, exhibit C is proof that the trio spent rather extravagantly. (She holds up a piece of paper) This is proof that the trio spent massive amounts of cash money on things definitely not germane to city business. Like a lock of Ann Romney’s horse Rafalca’s hair for 1200 dollars, a wine bottle recovered from the Titanic that was filled with mostly sand and dead fish but nonetheless worth 2200 dollars, a bottle of 1973 water worth 120 dollars-
ETHAN: (Whispering) Really tasteful water.
MARY: And a mounted bear ass worth 1000 dollars. Hansbay taxpayers, do you think this is what your tax money should be spent on? (Mary puts exhibits B and C on Judge Marwick’s desk and then walks over to the jury) That money could’ve been used to fund flying robots raining murder from the sky in countries we can’t pronounce. But instead, this. It’s a damned shame. I yield back, your honor.
(Mary takes her seat. Cut to Ethan, Micah and Sue. They look nervous. Cut to Ryan, Madeline, Kimberly, Rob and Jacob behind them, they look extremely nervous. Cut to Jon Stewart on The Daily Show with a graphic of Ethan Donahue right beside him. The show aired on January 14, 2013)
JON STEWART: Remember this guy? He was the father of Ryan Donahue, the emo kid who, along with his friends, were rescued from an emo concentration camp about nine months ago? Well, he went on trial on Friday for embezzlement, bribery and blackmail. (The audience oohs) Yeah,ooh. (The audience laughs) That is the appropriate response. (Laughter) Plus, his boss Mayor Brian Sarandon is also on trial for embezzlement, so my question is, since when does the state of Vermont matter? (Laughter) I mean, right now they’re known for ice cream and street anti-depressants, so did they just decide corruption was preferable to being a mecca for teenage girls whose boyfriends just broke up with them?!
(The graphic changes to two pictures, one of a teenage girl eating ice cream and the other a bottle of Prozac as the audience laughs. Cut to Seth Meyers on Weekend Update on January 12, 2013. There is a graphic of Mayor Sarandon and Ethan Donahue next to him along with the words “HANSBAY SCANDAL”)
SETH MEYERS: Just a word of advice for Mayor Sarandon, if, after you’re convicted, you still want to hold the 2024 Olympics in Vermont, please do. (Laughter) I would love to see the 100-meter “run away from the white supremacist with a knife”.
(The audience laughs. Cut to Stephen Colbert on the Colbert Report with an image of Mayor Sarandon next to him)
STEPHEN COLBERT: I stand by this man. I mean, I would if it didn’t implicate me in corruption. (Laughter) But he is a strong Republican Mayor in a very Democratic state. Finding a Republican Mayor in Vermont is like finding a needle in a gay orgy.
(Laughter. Cut to Chris Hayes with his round table on “Up with Chris Hayes”)
CHRIS HAYES: So, Mr. Sarandon and Mr. Donahue from Vermont, it appears as though their next stop is jail. When I contacted Sarandon’s office for comment, they replied with this, quote, “Wait, are you the fifteen year old that hosts that show on that channel nobody watches?”.
(Cut to Al Sharpton on Politics Nation with an image of the state of Vermont, an image of Ethan and an image of Mayor Sarandon behind him with the words “The Green Mountain of Corruption State”)
AL SHARPTON: The Green Mountain state is now being plagued by an investigation into one of its mayors and that mayor’s chief of staff. Apparently the “green” in green mountain state means money. (He chuckles) I came up with that one.
(Cut to Ed Schultz on the Ed Show)
ED SCHULTZ: It appears that Mayor Sarandon and Ethan Donahue are in big trouble. So let’s have an online opinion poll on my website about it so I can say what you think, even though I just told you what to think. (A multiple-choice box appears on the bottom of the screen reading “Do you think I’m right or do you think Republicans are right about Sarandon and Donahue’s guilt?”) Do you think I’m right or do you think the people I’ve told you to hate for the past three and a half years are right?
(Cut to an Arab man on “Al Jazeera America”)
ARAB NEWSCASTER: ????? ?????? ????????? ???? ???????? ????? ??????. ???? ???????? ???? ???????? ?? ??? ??? ???? ????? ??? ????? ??. ????? ?? ????? ??? ??? TV ??????? ????? ?? ?????? ???? ?????? ?????? ?? ????? ??? ?? ?? ???? ?? ????.
(SUBTITLES: Ethan Donahue and Mayor Sarandon are on trial for corruption. Will they be convicted? Will they be acquitted? Will Al Gore be able to sleep at night knowing he sold Current TV to a station with heavy ties to the oil industry? Who knows? Here's what Bin Laden thinks)
(Cut to old footage of Osama Bin Laden talking with a translator speaking over him)
TRANSLATOR: I think Sarandon and Donahue are infidels worthy of having their ball skin stretched over their faces and dropped into the ocean to take a nap with me.
(Cut to Ethan’s trial. Micah stands up)
MICAH: Your honor, I move that we adjourn for the week.
JUDGE MARWICK: Without objection, so ordered, this court is adjourned untilWednesday, the sixteenthof January, 2013.
(Judge Marwick slams the gavel. Cut to Sarandon’s trial. David rises)
DAVID: Your honor, I move that the court adjourn for the week.
JUDE MCGLYNN: Is there objection? Without objection, so ordered. The court is adjourned until Wednesday, January 16, 2013.
(Judge McGlynn slams the gavel. Cut to Mayor Sarandon and David coming out of the courthouse and being confronted by hoards of reporters)
REPORTER: Are you guilty?!
REPORTER 2: Are you innocent?!
MAYOR SARANDON: Do you really think I’m going to give you an unexpected answer to those questions? Let me walk, please.
DAVID: Monsieur Sarandon is not answering questions, so wi wi!
MAYOR SARANDON: Stop calling me that!
(Cut to Ethan being bombarded by reporters while he, Kimberly, Micah and Sue walk out of the courthouse)
REPORTER: Was it intense in there?!
REPORTER 2: Was it a lady judge or a normal judge?!
REPORTER 3: How many times did you take a sip of water during the proceedings?!
ETHAN: I’m not going to comment on an ongoing investigation!
(Ethan, Kimberly, Micah and Sue get into a car. Cut to Ryan, Madeline, Rob and Jacob standing outside the courthouse)
RYAN: I guess they don’t know we’re their family.
JACOB: Thank God, I don’t want to end up like Bristol Palin.
MADELINE: Like, pregnant?
RYAN: God, I hope dad gets acquitted.
(Ellen walks by talking on the phone)
ELLEN: How was your trial, tubby bear?
(Ellen sees Ethan’s kids and Rob and then she rushes away)
RYAN: …Who else that could conceivably be nicknamed “Tubby Bear” is having a trial today?
(Fade to black)
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