“It's not so much a closet as it is a prison. A cell where your mind takes over. It tells you you're wrong. That no one will like you. No one will accept you. It's a disease that you're forcing upon everyone. Everyone you love. That won't ever love you back. So you stay in your prison”
(We start with Ryan, Ethan and Kimberly sitting around a table in the kitchen)
RYAN: Dad, mom, I just wanted to take this opportunity to officially come out.
(Zoom out to reveal Jacob with a gong and a gong slammer. He slams the gong, making a loud gong noise. Ethan and Kimberly look confused)
ETHAN: Wait…you haven’t already officially come out as bisexual?
RYAN: Um, no, not technically.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, I guess we just assumed.
ETHAN: It’s like, it didn’t have to be said really, it just kind of vaguely upsets me.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, I mean, are we supposed to cry or something?
ETHAN: Ask God to give us our son back? I don’t know.
KIMBERLY: I’m unsure of how to react to this.
RYAN: You don’t have to react in a visceral manner, I am just coming out officially as bisexual because I joined the GSA.
ETHAN: And what is that, pray tell?
RYAN: It is the Gay-Straight Alliance of Hansbay High, where gays and straights come together to support teen members of the LGBTQ community in coming to terms with their lesbianism, gayness, bisexuality, transgenderism and whatever the Q stands for.
JACOB: Quilt, I think?
RYAN: Probably not.
ETHAN: I think such an organization is reprehensible! We should not be forcing gay kids to come out of the closet; we should be encouraging them to make a home in the closet. Gays are good at interior decorating, right? Put some nice drapes in that closet, make it real cozy.
KIMBERLY: What inspired you to join the GSA?
RYAN: When President Obama mentioned the Stonewall Riots in his inaugural speech, I felt compelled to help kids who may not be as comfortable with their sexuality as I am to come out.
KIMBERLY: Well I think that’s very admirable of you, Ryan.
RYAN: Thanks, mom.
ETHAN: Homosexuality is a choice. Straight-up, simps.
JACOB: Did you just say “simps”?
RYAN: What are you still doing here and where did you get that gong?
JACOB: I’m renting it from DePinto. Apparently it was a gift from a Vietnamese woman he had an affair with.
RYAN: During his service in Vietnam?
JACOB: No silly, she worked at a nail salon.
RYAN: Well, just go, mom, dad and I are talking.
JACOB: Fine, I need to go anyway, I’m meeting up with Kirsten.
JACOB: Yeah, she has this theatre meet and I’m going to crash it, because I don’t think it’s fair that Ryan gets to talk to her in KDGM more than I ever get to talk to her. We can still be friends, right?
ETHAN: Yeah, just don’t bring the gong.
JACOB: It punctuates my salient points!
(Jacob hits the gong)
ETHAN: It’s just dreadful.
(Jacob walks away. Cut to Kirsten in theatre class with Preston, Natasha and others. Ms. Marshall is talking to them, clearly drunk)
MS. MARSHALL: If we don’t put on a GREAT show , we’re fffffucked!
NATASHA: We’re not putting on a show, we’re welcoming foreign exchange students.
MS. MARSHALL: Oh yeah. He browny kid, where are you from?
INDIAN KID: I’m from India.
MS. MARSHALL: Are there gravity there?
INDIAN KID: It’s not, space. It’s on Earth only!
BRITISH KID: (British accent) I’m very excited to be here. Very excited indeed.
BRITISH CHICK: (British accent) I rather think this whole school’s in a fairly putrid condition.
BRITISH KID: Sis, this school has treated us with kindness.
BRITISH CHICK: They can shove it up their arses, I don’t need kindess. What I need is a cigarette.
MS. MARSHALL: I like this bitch. She’s no-nonsense!
KIRSTEN: She’s rude.
MS. MARSHALL: NONSENSE! Get her, British chick!
BRITISH KID: I have a name, you drunken twat. It’s Tammy.
MS. MARSHALL: I LOVE IT!
KIRSTEN: Don’t you talk to other teachers and don’t they notice you’re drunk?
MS. MARSHALL: I can sober myself up on a dime! It’s called (She holds up a cup of coffee) coffee!
KIRSTEN: Wow, that smells strongly of rum.
MS. MARSHALL: I like my sugar with coffee and rum! Beastie Boys. (Jacob walks in) Fuck, let’s recess.
(Ms. Marshall walks away as Kirsten walks up to Jacob)
KIRSTEN: What are you doing here?
JACOB: I’m here to see you. You haven’t been answering my texts, and I also found out your hanging out with my brother, so the jealousy bug bit me, I’m sorry.
KIRSTEN: Jacob, we’re not “hanging out”, the only talking we ever do in KDGM is when he asks me to get off the computer so I can edit and I say “sure” and then I get off and he says “thanks”.
JACOB: That’s a lovely conversation I would have with you any day.
KIRSTEN: Jacob, why now?
JACOB: What are you doing?
KIRSTEN: We’re introducing the foreign exchange students to the theatre program. They’re learning about our country and we theirs.
JACOB: It looks like they’re fine without you.
TAMMY: Hey Kirsten, when’s eats?
KIRSTEN: Later, Tammy.
(Tammy gets up and walks over to Jacob and Kirsten)
TAMMY: I’m gonna take a smoke outside.
(Tammy walks past them and leaves)
JACOB: Can she uh…do that?
KIRSTEN: Can my theatre teacher drink herself to death in front of us?
JACOB: Can you talk to me occasionally?
KIRSTEN: You broke up with me, Jacob!
JACOB: So that means I have the power to get back together with you.
KIRSTEN: But Jacob, I’m still going to Canada in seven months!
JACOB: God, that’s right. Who are you going to date in Canada, huh? French guy or polite, bewildered moose hunter perpetually giving strangers directions?
KIRSTEN: I mean, we broke up three months ago and things have been relatively tranquil since, why now?
JACOB: I don’t know…about a month ago I guess I banged Barbara. But I was thinking of you the whole time.
KIRSTEN: Spare me the tales of your sexual escapades with coked-up hipster whores.
JACOB: Hey, she is not coked up! She is a hipster whore, but she is not coked up!
KIRSTEN: Well, I don’t mean to be hurtful, but I’ve gotten over you. We never really connected on an intellectual level and we can still be friends, but…I’m sorry.
JACOB: (Clearly hurt) Fine…that’s fine. We’re fine. I’m gonna go. I have a headache. I have two headaches. Bye. What’s that? Bye. (Jacob leaves and Kirsten stands there, feeling bad for him. Cut to Jacob walking outside the theatre room. He then walks outside the school back doors and sees Tammy is leaning against a wall and smoking a cigarette. Jacob stops and walks over to her) You know, you could get in real trouble for that.
TAMMY: Suppose I can’t drink neither?
JACOB: Yeah, you can’t. You’re not twenty-one.
TAMMY: I’m eighteen, which means I can smoke and drink with immunity.
JACOB: I’m eighteen too, but it’s school property.
TAMMY: It’s my property.
JACOB: So, you’re from England, huh?
TAMMY: Yeah, what of it?
JACOB: I heard it’s-
TAMMY: I’m not a dyke if that’s what you think.
JACOB: I didn’t think that.
TAMMY: People see a badass British chick who smokes and hates everyone, they assume that I just hate men, well they’re wrong. Don’t hate the penis, hate the game.
JACOB: I see. Well I heard England has great…food.
TAMMY: You’re wrong then. England is the only place in the world that has no redeemable quality when it comes to food.
JACOB: Yeah…so um, do you have a boyfriend back home?
TAMMY: Are you tuggin’ my dick?
JACOB: I’m not.
TAMMY: I don’t date those Harry Potter-lookin’ cunts up in England. Either they’re Ron Wesley or fat imbeciles with bad teeth.
JACOB: Well, here in America we have fat imbeciles with good teeth.
TAMMY: In Britain, we call that Adele.
TAMMY: So what kinda bloke are you?
JACOB: I’m a bloke?
TAMMY: Yeah, are you a hash bloke or a chav bloke?
JACOB: I don’t know the words that you’re saying.
TAMMY: I saw a goth bloke earlier, looked like you but with longer, blacker hair and tight trousers.
JACOB: That’s probably my brother.
TAMMY: If that’s the brother what I had I would punch him in the mouth for dressing and acting like a twat.
JACOB: Why do British people love that word so much?
TAMMY: T”was my first word, mate.
JACOB: So now you’re Australian Shakespeare?
(Kirsten opens the door and pokes her head outside)
KIRSTEN: Hey, Tammy, we need you back in here so we can create the virtual United Nations.
TAMMY: It’ll be a hell of a lot more powerful than the actual United Nations, I’ll tell ya that much. Anyway, maybe I’ll see you around-um…
TAMMY: Jacob, cheerio.
(Tammy puts her cigarette out on her forehead, much to Kirsten’s disgust and then Tammy walks inside while Kirsten appears suspicious. Kirsten then closes the door. Cut to Rob pulling into the Donahue driveway at the same time the cashier girl from TDEP66 pulls into her driveway next to him. They both get out and see each other)
ROB: Don’t I know you?
CASHIER CHICK: Yes, we met at the Not Eckerd’s a few days ago.
ROB: Yeah, God, why aren’t their Eckerds’ anymore?
CASHIER CHICK: I don’t know, but after six years people still aren’t used to it.
ROB: And they shouldn’t be! Wait, so you live right here?
CASHIER CHICK: Yes.
ROB: That’s awesome. Did you move here recently?
CASHIER CHICK: Uh…nope, I have lived here for twenty-two years I think.
ROB: Really? I’ve lived here for six months and I just noticed you.
CASHIER CHICK: Well, you rarely emerge from your rage quit dungeon to see the light of day.
ROB: (Laughs) Yeah, I do play pretty loud. Also, I’ve never finished a game because of how often I rage quit, same with movies.
CASHIER CHICK: You rage quit movies?
ROB: Yeah, who was the real Spartacus?
CASHIER CHICK: I don’t know, but I’m pretty into gaming too.
ROB: Okay, don’t bullshit me. Game Stop has been trying to convince me for years that hot gamer chicks exist, but I have always thought it too good to be true.
CASHIER CHICK: It’s true. I have Angry Birds and a Wii.
CASHIER CHICK: Oh my God, I’m totally kidding, I have Gears of War, League of Legends, Fallout, MineCraft and DOTA, among others.
ROB: (Laughter of relief) That’s awesome, you totally convinced me you were a casual fag!
CASHIER CHICK: Like, a guy who dabbles in cocksucking as a hobby?
ROB: No, it’s-
CASHIER CHICK: I’m kidding, I know what casual gaming is.
ROB: (Laughs) Okay. Well-
CASHIER CHICK: Well-go ahead.
ROB: I will. You go, though.
CASHIER CHICK: Alright, um, so I’ll probably see you at Not Eckerd’s every once and again.
ROB: Yeah, definitely. What was your name again?
CASHIER CHICK: My name’s Jamie.
ROB: Oh, well, mine’s Kelly.
JAMIE: Wow, we both have those non-gender specific names.
ROB: My name’s actually Rob, I just didn’t want you to feel alone.
JAMIE: (Laughs) Okay. I’ll see you around.
ROB: Yeah. Nice talking to you. Bye.
(Rob and Jamie both walk into their respective households. Cut to Rob closing the front door of his house and breathing a sigh of relief)
ROB: That was so awesome, but I’m so glad it’s over.
(Ethan walks over wearing a suit and drinking coffee)
ETHAN: What’s got ya so flustered, sport?
ROB: Well, Mr. D, there’s this girl who lives next door that I like. We had a conversation and it was nice, but I’m not sure where to go from here.
ETHAN: Tell her you like her bangs. Women love compliments!
ROB: She doesn’t have bangs.
ETHAN: Oh. Well, tell her to get bangs. Women love advice.
ROB: Do they?
ETHAN: I advised Kimberly to white strip her teeth back in ’92 and she broke up with me, and then I got married to another girl named Kimberly.
ROB: That doesn’t seem like good advice-
ETHAN: Rob, I have to get back to work.
ROB: Hey, you owe me! Remember the hug?
ETHAN: I remember the hug. Look, Rob, if you want help from me on this woman you’re trying to court, you’ve got to court the way my grandfather Nicholas Donahue taught me while he was succumbing to the effects of Alzheimer’s
ROB: ...And those are?
ETHAN: He couldn’t remember, but I assume it was the ol’ Southern way. Be a Southern gentleman. Invest in a white suit, flowers, a southern drawl and of course, the biggest bowtie this side of the Mississippi.
ROB: Yeah, except we’re on the Northern side of the Mississippi, we live in Vermont, not Georgia.
ETHAN: Fine, why don’t I cancel your WoW account?
ROB: There aren’t enough remotes in the world for me to shove up my ass if you do that, please don’t!
ETHAN: Then trust me.
ROB: …Fine. (Cut to Rob in a white suit and bowtie in Ethan’s room while Ethan stands nearby) Actually, this is kind of nice.
ETHAN: I told you. Remember, you love those tuxes, I knew you were going to love these.
ROB: I feel like I should be hospitable to somebody or own an exploitative oil venture.
ETHAN: Totally. Now you’ve got to adapt a southern drawl.
ROB: I feel like that’s too much.
ETHAN: It’s not enough!
ROB: If it’s not enough than really southern me out!
(Ethan takes out a confederate flag)
ROB: Okay, that might be too much.
ETHAN: Just go and take what’s yours like Stonewall Jackson! And I don’t mean the gay bar!
(Rob walks away. Cut to Ryan, Michael, Brennan, Sarah, Alex, Lance, John, Ross and others sitting in a circle in a classroom. One kid, who has dark brown hair, a purple V-neck and slim-fit black jeans with purple VANS begin speaking)
GAY KID: (Feminine voice) Alright everybody, I hereby call to order the first meeting of the Hansbay High Gay-Straight Alliance. First of all, I don’t mean to be a bitch, but I totally do. We need to change our name to the United Susan G. Komen’s Gay-Straight-Lesbian-Transgender-Bicurious-Bisexual-Bicentennial-Transfat-Bi-cycle Alliance for the Cure, LLC.
ROSS: Do we have the endorsement of Susan G. Komen?
ALEX: Would you rather it be called Tyler Perry’s House of Gay-Straight Alliance you fucking-
RYAN: STOP. Who invited the racist gays? Samuel?
SAMUEL: (Gay kid) The USGKGSLTBBBTBAW accepts all kinds of gays, even those who are intolerant.
RYAN: Whatever, I think we should focus on helping kids who have yet to come out of the sheer prison that is the closet. When I first came out as a bisexual three years ago, I was terrified that people were going to ostracize me from the community. Turns out I was already ostracized and everybody already figured that I was bi, so it wasn’t a big deal, BUT not everyone is as lucky as I am. Is there anyone here today that is having trouble coming out? (Timid looking kid raises his hand) Timid looking kid, go.
TIMID LOOKING KID: My name is Tim.
RYAN: Tim-id, maybe.
SARAH: Could you not be an asshole for a second?
TIM: Well, my name is Timothy Ivan Doris, so I get that a lot, anyway, I first discovered I was a homosexual, like most kids, at a basketball game.
TIM: The cheerleaders were doing their routines, and I know that’s supposed to illicit arousal, but I was only aroused by the male cheerleader.
BRENNAN: Not the players?
TIM: No, the players were too tall and gaunt. I wanted to ask the male cheerleader out so bad, but I hadn’t come out yet and I wasn’t sure if he was gay or not.
RYAN: Really? You weren’t sure?
TIM: Bush was a male cheerleader!
RYAN: Yeah, and he got hot and heavy with Tony Blair, if you remember.
TIM: I don’t remember anything from the Bush administration unless it comes out through hypnosis.
ROSS: You know Tim, when I feel lost and alone or sinking like a stone, carry on-
RYAN: Stop quoting Mumford and Sons.
ROSS: Sorry. Anyway, I go and see men of God.
RYAN: Bad idea. Men of God hate men of gay.
ROSS: Men of God don’t judge. Listen, my priest is really helpful. I’ll take you to a confessional.
RYAN: That implies he’s sinning though!
ROSS: He is! He’s LYING about who he is.
RYAN: We both know the Catholic Church hates gays more than they hate lying. Although they do sometimes lie to cover the asses of gay pedophiles, so maybe they’re more masochistic than anything.
ROSS: Shut up, Ryan, we’re taking him to a church.
RYAN: Why don’t we take him to a therapist?
ROSS: We don’t have any money!
RYAN: Oh yeah. Church it is!
(Cut to Jacob and General DePinto sitting in his living room. DePinto is on his iPad)
GENERAL DEPINTO: Can you believe this shit?
JACOB: What shit?
(General DePinto turns the iPad around to reveal a CNN article reading “US Military lifts ban on women in direct combat”)
GENERAL DEPINTO: This shit!
JACOB: Yeah, I heard about that. Why is it shit though?
GENERAL DEPINTO: It’s shit. (He turns the iPad back towards him) Women are far too fragile to serve in direct combat in the military. In the military, we don’t say “maybe it’s maybeline” we say “maybe it’s a surface-to-air missile!”
JACOB: Do women say “maybe it’s Maybeline” that often?
GENERAL DEPINTO: I don’t know, most of the women I know are in TV commercials. Do most women say (British accent) “Fabulous! For a good clean, feeling no matter what”?
JACOB: No, how lonely are you?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Women in the military will inevitably be dogged by lady problems!
JACOB: I think the main lady problem they’ll be concerned about is bullets flying past their heads.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Yeah, if those bullets break a nail!
JACOB: I have no faith in your generation.
GENERAL DEPINTO: The feeling’s mutual. This means lesbians are allowed in direct combat now too!
JACOB: Speaking of lesbians and lady problems, there’s this girl I met today who kind of intrigues me.
GENERAL DEPINTO: How so?
JACOB: She’s British and kind of a hard-ass, I don’t know, she has this badass appeal to me. But she’s not a lesbo, she assured me.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Well, don’t take her word for it. Investigate.
JACOB: I feel like that would make her uncomfortable.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Well if she’s a hard-ass, making her uncomfortable might show her who wears the pants in the relationship. When I had sex with a Vietnamese woman back in 1970, I kept my pants on the entire time; I utilized the dick hole in Hanes underwear.
JACOB: So what you’re saying is-
GENERAL DEPINTO: Use the underwear dickhole to assert yourself, metaphorically of course.
JACOB: Got it. Do you have Vietnamese children in their 40s?
GENERAL DEPINTO: You sound just like those gook attorneys that keep calling me.
JACOB: There’s another problem though, she’s a foreign exchange student visiting temporarily from the United Kingdom, so she’ll probably leave in a week or two.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Wow, that’s rough. Sorry, Jacob.
JACOB: I know. I mean, I’m still trying to get over Kirsten and I thought she might be my way out.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Well, we live in the 21st century, right? Just have an online relationship once she leaves. Go on Twittergram and Instagram and Facegram.
JACOB: Don’t pretend like you don’t know what those websites are actually called.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Skypegram?
JACOB: But I do suppose that’s a good idea. I mean, I broke up with Kirsten not because I wanted to, but because I knew I was going to have to say goodbye in August anyway when she went off to Western Canada.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Well, now you have to decide. Do you want a long-distance relationship with a girl you dated for five months or a long-distance relationship with a girl you might date for a week?
JACOB: …Well I’ll be shat.
(Cut to Kirsten in her room with a German boy, an Israeli boy and a Welsh boy. They are about seventeen and they are sitting on Kirsten’s bed. Kirsten is sitting in front of them holding two books)
KIRSTEN: I will now teach you about American culture. Here are two of the most celebrated and cherished books in America. Here, we have (she holds up The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain”) The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain and based on the novel “Push” by Sapphire, and here (she holds up Fifty Shades of Gray) we have erotic fan fiction.
(A knock is heard at the door)
GERMAN KID: (German accent) Someone’s here! Quick, take this cyanide!
(He takes out a blue pill)
ISRAELI KID: (Israeli accent) That’s an Advil.
KIRSTEN: Who is it?
NICOLE SNOWE: (Offscreen) It’s your mother, Jacob is here to see you.
KIRSTEN: Oh God, I’ll be right out. You three behave and Zivah, don’t quarrel with Olaf.
ZIVAH: That’s old hat, give me a Palestinian kid, I’ll quarrel with him six ways t’ill Passover!
(Kirsten walks to the door and opens it to see Nicole and Jacob standing there)
NICOLE: Hello, Kirsten.
KIRSTEN: Hi, mom.
(Kirsten closes the door behind her)
NICOLE: I will leave you two alone.
(Nicole walks away)
JACOB: Your mom’s like a robot.
KIRSTEN: I know, what are you doing here?
JACOB: Well I was thinking…I don’t know if you noticed, but I kind of fancied the badass British chick and her “fuck everything including not getting cancer” attitude. But then I realized, she’s going back to England in a week and even if I maintained some sort of online relationship, it wouldn’t be fair to you.
KIRSTEN: Jacob, you don’t have to run your relationships by me, I approve of that British bitch. I hope you and her have a great marriage and I hope she pursues her dream of being the first rude GPS.
JACOB: No, what I’m saying is that I’d rather be with you for the next seven months and have a long-distance relationship with you than be with Tammy for a week and have a long-distance relationship with her.
KIRSTEN: …Oh, Jacob.
KIRSTEN: Jacob, we talked about this.
JACOB: I know, we didn’t connect on an intellectual level, we never had in-depth convos about politics, philosophy or even the deeper meaning of the latest episode of Jersey Shore, but we had fun and we liked each other, that’s what I miss!
KIRSTEN: Jacob, you’ve changed since you broke up with me. You became more of a stoner, I heard that you wanted to join the army, you took advantage of Barbara, I heard you caused a panic attack for your friend Ross-
JACOB: Hey, HE smoked the weed! I don’t know, he just can’t hold his weed.
KIRSTEN: Those kind of comments make you sound like kind of a douche.
JACOB: Kirsten, I’ve actually cut down on my smoking since about three weeks ago I accidentally smoked some weed laced with DMT at my cousin’s house.
JACOB: Yeah, I was in Boston. My cousin Cullen knocked me out so I wouldn’t say anything.
KIRSTEN: Jesus. See the kind of shit weed gets you into?
JACOB: I know. Can we at least hang out and see where it goes?
KIRSTEN: I mean…I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that. But let’s work on stimulating conversation.
JACOB: No problem! You know, I was thinking today that I’ve probably said the word “what” like, hundreds of times in my life.
KIRSTEN: It’s probably been more than that.
JACOB: At most three-hundred times.
KIRSTEN: (Sigh) Come in.
(Kirsten leads Jacob into her room and she closes the door. Cut to Kimberly on the couch watching Patrick White delivering the news on TV)
PATRICK WHITE: Today, a federal appeals court ruled that President Obama’s recess appointments to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and National Labor Relations Board, which mere made while the Senate was technically in session, although not conducting legislative business, are unconstitutional. The Obama administration responded by doubling their use of drones in Africa and indefinitely detaining Americans suspects of terrorism in secret prisons as a way of compensating for what many have described as a “small domestic policy dick”.
(Rob comes in and turns off the TV while wearing his white suit and bowtie)
ROB: (Southern drawl) Well what’s that there TV box doing there?
KIMBERLY: Hey, I was watching that!
ROB: You know what they say.
KIMBERLY: …What do they say?
ROB: (Regular voice) I don’t know, Ethan, help me out, I don’t know any southern phrases!
(Ethan walks over)
ETHAN: You’re doing fine, kiddo. My Grandpa Nicholas always used to say “Where am I?” and “Who are you?”. It left me in stitches. And it left him in a state of neurological degeneration.
KIMBERLY: Why does Rob look like a bleached Tucker Carlson?
ETHAN: He’s goin’ a courtin’ for the girl next door, the old southern way.
KIMBERLY: Wait, there’s a girl you like, Rob?
ROB: Yes and I am going to pilfer her heart.
KIMBERLY: By speaking like Clarence Thomas?
ROB: Clarence Thomas likes his giblets in the mornin’. And I like my Jamies in the afternoon.
ETHAN: Wait, it’s a dude?
ROB: No, it’s a girl named Jamie. She’s a total gamer chick; I didn’t even think they existed in the elusive “hot” species.
KIMBERLY: Why are women always animals to you men?
ETHAN: We’re all animals Kimberly!
ROB: HA! Got her there!
(Ethan and Rob high-five)
KIMBERLY: I’m glad you two are so amicable now, but I’m not sure if the southern approach is the best way to get a gamer girl.
ETHAN: Pray tell, what is the best way? To be some foppish northern dandy?
KIMBERLY: No, the best way is to be a gamer guy. And Rob is one. Ethan, what are Rob’s biggest flaws?
KIMBERLY: Rob, you’ve long been a critic of Rob’s personality-(Rob has visceral disgusted reaction to that statement) why don’t we work on those flaws to see if he can have more success with the lady-types?
ETHAN: I have never said anything negative about my dear friend, Robert Calvin Altmire.
(Cut to Ethan talking to Kimberly on the couch in July 2012)
ETHAN: He’s a braggart, a liar and a slob. (Cut to Ethan and Rob sitting next to each other in the living room in September 2012) Oh my God Rob, just shut up! Nobody wants you to be here, you suck and I hate everything about you. (Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Jacob, Ryan and Madeline sitting in front of the TV while Rob stands nearby in July 2012) …I dislike you very much. (Cut to Ethan talking to Rob in Ryan’s room in December 2012) You’re rude! You just said fuck to me when I was just doing you a favor, you never said thank you for me taking your car to the shop or getting you hot cocoa or offering you a room. How the FUCK do you not know when to say thank you?
KIMBERLY: That’s demonstrably false. Also Rob, how are you surprised that he’s insulted you behind your back when he’s insulted you to your face?
ROB: How could he?
ETHAN: Fine, maybe it did take me a while to warm up to Rob, but I think I can level some constructive criticisms of his personality so as to help him in his romantic endeavors. First off, boasting, bragging and gloating, not only are these archetypical of romantic villains in every play ever, they’re also bad dating policy. Take care to avoid.
ROB: But I’m the best at not bragging, I once went forty years without bragging in the desert, mind you, I won the 2012 Award for not bragging.
ETHAN: Yeah, that would be an example of bragging.
ROB: I have an even better example of bragging.
ETHAN: One-upping is also irritating to people.
ROB: (Singing) I have a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s-
ETHAN: Immaturity is also a huge turn-off.
ROB: Fuck, that fucking sucks emaciated camel dick.
ETHAN: Excessive cursing is also bad.
ROB: Okay. I think I have what I need.
ETHAN: Lying’s a dealbreaker.
ROB: FINE! Keep teaching and try not to be a dick about it.
ETHAN: Oh my God, we have work to do.
(Cut to Ryan, Ross, Samuel, Michael, Brennan, Sarah and Tim walking into a church where congregants are gathered in prayer. There are several confessionals located at each side of the church and there is a priest on stage speaking)
PRIEST: In the darkness, there is only one light, He is our light. By trusting in His word, we trust ourselves. But we must never succumb to the wicked will of the melancholy, the sodomite, the masturbator, the gluttonous, the proud, the wrathful, the slothful, the greedy and the lustful.
MICHAEL: (Whispering) Dude, which one of these confessionals do you think would be the best to jerk off in?
RYAN: (Whispering) Not now, alright? (Pause) Oh my God, the one in the far left corner.
MICHAEL: I was thinking that too!
ROSS: Guys, this is a house of God, save that kind of talk for the House of Blues.
SAMUEL: This place is full of repressed faggots, I can tell.
RYAN: Of course you can. By the way, where are the women fanning themselves and screaming “testify”?
ROSS: Just because I’m black doesn’t mean I go to a black church.
TIM: When am I going to get to spend time in a dark box with a Catholic priest?
ROSS: Wow, don’t say it like that. Anyway, the service is almost over.
PRIEST: I hear we have some young men standing in the back, including our very own Ross Higgins.
ROSS: Yes Father Schrader, these are some of my friends from my school.
FATHER SCHRADER: A few of them look like Satan worshippers, Ross.
ROSS: They’re not Father, I assure you. They are simply emo kids.
RYAN: For life!
ROSS: Until they’re 19.
FATHER SCHRADER: Children, your sartorial manner takes you far from God.
RYAN: Good, because “Far from God” is my new favorite emo band.
(Ryan unzips his jacket to reveal a shirt with the words “Far From God” on it and a white silhouette being blown by the wind away from the Nintendo 64 version of Andross from Star Fox)
ROSS: Why does Andross from Star Fox 64 represent God?
RYAN: Yeah, Far From God is in a lot of legal trouble for this shirt.
FATHER SCHRADER: And you are in eternal trouble if you do not turn away from sin and accept Jesus Christ into your heart.
ROSS: Father, all these sinners will confer with you and your staff in the privacy of the confessionals after church services.
FATHER SCHRADER: Very well, Ross. I shall see them in the confessionals. Remind them to genuflect!
(Ross turns to all of them)
ROSS: Guys, genuflect, come on!
RYAN: What does genuflect mean?
ROSS: I don’t know, just do it!
(Cut to Ryan sitting in a confessional while listening to his iPod. The priest opens the window between them)
PRIEST: Tell me your sins, my son. (Ryan doesn’t notice the priest) Um…son? Hey! Hello?!
(Ryan takes out his headphones)
RYAN: Oh, God, I didn’t hear you. What’d you say?
PRIEST: Son, tell me your sin.
RYAN: Well, I don’t really consider it a sin, but I am a bisexual and I have had relationships with both guys and girls. I masturbate regularly and all that, but I don’t really want to discuss those kinds of vices. I was reading up on the seven deadly sins earlier and I looked at the section where they talked about the sins that were left out of the seven deadly sins in order to streamline everything. The sin known as acedia was there. Acedia meaning the sin that is involved with listlessly and joylessly meandering through life. And sometimes, I feel like I…use drugs and cutting and other bad habits to distract from the fact that I indulge in acedia. I feel depressed and like I have no motivation.
PRIEST: You think you have it bad? I don’t even think my chiropractor is helping my back at all. Plus, some kid broke a window on my house, I don’t know who it was, so now I have to replace it. I dropped my laptop the other day. Now how am I supposed to Skype with the Pope?
RYAN: Are you seriously complaining about your own problems right now?
(Cut to Ross sitting in a confessional with a priest)
ROSS: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
ROSS: I have used marijuana to bring on artificial feelings of joy and make me drift further from Jesus’ love. I have used God’s name in vain. I feel concerned that my friend Jacob is artificially creating joy through much more excessive marijuana use than I, due to his loneliness. I only hope he can find someone….but I think he’ll keep using it even if he has someone.
PRIEST: Does he not have you?
ROSS: Yeah, but…ever since I smoked marijuana and had a panic attack about a month ago we haven’t hung out as much. He’s sort of…a stressor for me now.
PRIEST: It may be best you get away from him now before he is damned to hell and you, me and Rick Santorum are raptured to our eternal reward.
ROSS: …I guess?
(Cut to Samuel in the confession booth licking a lollipop while the priest is sitting there)
PRIEST: Tell me your sins, my son.
SAMUEL: I don’t mean to be a bitch, but the robes you guys wear are kind of ugly. (Laughs) This lollipop is such a whore. But seriously, I don’t mean to be a bitch, but most of you priest guys are so ugly. (Laughs) I’m totally kidding, but seriously, I don’t mean to be a bitch.
PRIEST: I never thought I’d say this but it sounds like you do mean to be a bitch.
SAMUEL: Yeah, I do. (Samuel’s cell phone rings) Hold on. (Samuel answers it) Hello? This cell phone is such a whore.
(The priest sighs. Cut to Michael in a confessional without a priest. He looks nervous, just waiting there. Slowly, but surely, he puts his hands down his pants. Cut to Brennan in the confessional with the priest)
BRENNAN: I’ve used God name in vain, I’ve masturbated in vain, I’ve lied in vain and I’ve injected heroin in vein.
(Cut to Sarah talking to a priest in a confessional)
SARAH: Father, I have a feeling that my boyfriend is still interested in his ex-girlfriend.
PRIEST: That’s a complaint, not a sin.
SARAH: Fine, I…am envious of Michelle, that’s a sin!
PRIEST: Then have fun in hell.
SARAH: What? Isn’t this supposed to absolve me of the sin?
PRIEST: Yeah and the Pope is supposed to punish child molesting priests, but fuck If that happens. Also, priests aren’t supposed to say fuck.
(Cut to Tim in the confessional with Father Schrader)
FATHER SCHRADER: Tell me your sin, my son.
TIM: Well Father, I recently found out I’m a homosexual. I don’t know how I’m going to come out or tell my parents even. I felt like I should hate myself for this, but I think I’d rather just accept it as a part of who I am.
FATHER SCHRADER: Son, go with your original instinct.
FATHER SCHRADER; Yes, you loath the sin, you don’t accommodate it. Especially a sin with so many sinewy, glowing muscles and (coughs) moral depravity.
TIM: But, don’t you think, since Martin Luther King Jr. Day was on Monday, we should respect
his message of equality, I mean, he was a Christian!
FATHER SCHRADER: Ah yes, Martin Luther King, the drum leader for gay rights. In fact, when a young boy wrote to Ebony magazine in 1958 saying he felt the same way about boys that he ought to feel about girls, this gay rights legend said “The type of feeling that you have toward boys is probably not an innate tendency, but something that has been culturally acquired. You are already on the right road toward a solution, since you honestly recognize the problem and have a desire to solve it.”
TIM: He said that?
FATHER SCHRADER: He did and it’s true today as it was fifty-five years ago, just like how hiding under your desk can save you from a nuclear bomb. Listen Tim, this is simply the devil’s cruel trick of tempting you with a life of crystal meth-induced orgiastic crystal meth parties where you can grope and stick to strangers and drink crystal meth from bongs. You must take care to avoid the allure of this lifestyle. Crystal meth.
TIM: I don’t think that’s the only way gays spend their time.
FATHER SCHRADER: I think I would know, I’ve…heard about it.
TIM: I feel like trying to fight it out of me has brought me nothing but despair.
FATHER SCHRADER: Despair is better than gaiety.
TIM: Doesn’t gaiety mean happiness?
FATHER SCHRADER: How about some gay reparative therapy? (He holds up two oranges) These represent balls. Try to grab them from me.
TIM: There’s a divider between us.
FATHER SCHRADER: Break it.
(Tim pushes through the divider and tries to grab the oranges but Father Schrader holds them high up)
FATHER SCHRADER: HA! Now you have to pay for that divider, but you can’t because you blew all your money on crystal meth and dildos. Now you have to hand out train station blowjobs for rim money. Sort of a vicious cycle, eh? Blowing out train station rimjobs for hand money?
(Tim pulls his arm back through to his side)
(Cut to Ryan with his priest in the confessional)
PRIEST: My mom needs braces and it’s like-
RYAN: Why would she need braces at her age?
PRIEST: Well I’m not allowed to have a daughter; somebody’s gotta get braces from me.
RYAN: You’re the worst priest ever. (Cut to Ryan, Sarah, Brennan, Michael, Ross, Tim and Samuel outside the church) Well, that was the opposite of helpful.
TIM: Yeah, my priest was a total bigot.
SAMUEL: My priest was a total bitch.
ROSS: Well, I don’t know what else to tell you guys.
RYAN: There’s got to be a safe place for Tim to come out.
BRENNAN: Here’s a suggestion. Why does he need a safe place to come out? The only way he’s going to make his entire world safe is if he comes out in an unsafe place. Say, in the presence of his parents. They may be distraught, they may cancel Logo, Bravo and MSNBC from their TV plans and they may throw out all the glitter in the house, but in the end, they’re either going to love Tim unconditionally or they’re going to disown him and if they do, he’s probably better off without them. But it’s either that or living a perpetual lie and awkwardly trying to evaluate how hot straight people think particular women are and being embarrassed when you misrate a woman.
SARAH: …That’s actually a really salient point.
SAMUEL: Yeah. I once rated Arianna Huffington as a 9.0 right in front of Andrew Breitbart.
MICHAEL: Why were you hanging out with Andrew Breitbart?
RYAN: Anyway, I agree with Brennan. Alright Tim, I guess it’s decision time. Are you going to come out to your parents or not?
TIM: …Shit. Yes.
RYAN: Alright! Here’s an idea, we make a big piece of paper that shows the words “GUESS WHO’S GAY?” and then you jump through it!
SARAH: Let’s be a little more tactful than that.
RYAN: Sure, it’s always whatever you want!
SARAH: It’s what Tim wants.
RYAN: Why can’t I be what I want ever?
SARAH: Oh my God, Tim, how do you want to do it?
(Tim stands there, unresponsive. Cut to Kirsten, Jacob, Zivah, Olaf and the Welsh boy in Kirsten’s room)
KIRSTEN: Zivah, Olaf, Joris, this is my friend Jacob.
JACOB: Hello, Zivah, Olaf, Joris, where are you guys from?
ZIVAH: I am from the Holy land of Israel.
JACOB: Oh, congratulations on Netanyahu’s re-election. (Turns to Kirsten) See Kirsten? I know this shit.
KIRSTEN: That was impressive that you knew that.
JACOB: Where are you from Olaf?
JACOB: Ah yes, where that Benghazi incident happened, God, why was that old woman with the glasses so frazzled about that?
KIRSTEN: Oh God.
JACOB: Clinton 2016 I guess, where are you from, Pelvis?
JACOB: That’s what I said.
KIRSTEN: No it wasn’t.
JORIS: I’m from Holland.
JACOB: Awesome, I know T-Pain’s Welsh half-brother, do you know him?
JORIS: He’s my uncle!
JACOB: AWESOME! How’s he doing?
JORIS: He figured out how to auto tune a harp, so he’s making some money off of that.
JACOB: Great. So this is already fun! What should we do, Kirsten?
KIRSTEN: Um, we should teach these young men about America.
JACOB: Well you see there’s 100 Presidents, 435 Senators and 1 Congressman, who wants to get McDonald’s?
ZIVAH: I could totally go for that. I haven’t been to McDonald’s without bomb noises interrupting my order for a long time.
OLAF: That sounds pretty fly.
KIRSTEN: I’ve been teaching them American slang.
JACOB: From the 70s?
JORIS: Are we going to McDonald’s or not?
KIRSTEN: (Sigh) I guess we could take a break to get some food-or, McDonald’s, rather.
JACOB: Awesome! I’ll drive.
ZIVAH: Does McDonald’s accept not money? It’s the national currency of Israel.
JACOB: It doesn’t matter, I’m paying!
(They all cheer except for Kirsten and they walk out the door. Cut to Ethan, Kimberly and Rob sitting in the living room)
ETHAN: Okay, we’re still got to get tact, manners and basic human decency down, but besides that, we’re golden!
KIMBERLY: C’mon, give him credit; he said your shoes were nice.
ETHAN: That’s all he said! He said it like fifteen times to make up for all the rude shit he did.
ROB: This is bullshit, you guys are holding me down! Your shoes are great.
ETHAN: Jesus Christ, this is hopeless, you know what? Just go and get her.
KIMBERLY: But at least try to utilize some of our suggestions.
ROB: I’ll utilize the shit out of those suggestions. Now who’s car should I take to her house?
ETHAN: It’s next door!
ROB: You’re right, I’ll use yours.
ROB: Fine. (Rob gets up and walks towards the door while Ethan and Kimberly follow him. Rob walks out the door, as do Ethan and Kimberly. Rob walks over to Jamie’s house while Ethan and Kimberly discreetly look on. Rob knocks on the door. An older, slightly overweight woman opens up) Hello there. Is Jamie here?
WOMAN: JAMIE! COLONEL SANDERS IS HERE TO SEE YOU!
ROB: Fuck, I forgot I was still wearing this.
(The woman walks away and Jamie comes over)
JAMIE: Hey Rob. Why the white suit?
ROB: I was…just MCing for a prom.
JAMIE: In January?
ROB: It was a Southern prom. Listen, I think you’re pretty cool and…shoes.
ROB: Your shoes are good.
JAMIE: (Giggles) Okay? Thanks?
ROB: Um, listen, you’re really cool and I think we should have coffee at my house or…shoes.
JAMIE: Why don’t we just play DOTA right now?
JAMIE: Come in.
(Rob walks into the house and Rob shuts slams the door)
WOMAN: (Heard from inside the house) JAMIE, DON’T SLAM THE GODDAMN DOOR!
(Pan to Ethan and Kimberly looking on, shocked)
ETHAN: …What the hell is wrong that chick?
KIMBERLY: Apparently whatever’s wrong with Rob.
(Cut to Ryan and Sarah at night near a train track. They are holding both hands together)
RYAN: Sarah, we’re here.
SARAH: I know, isn’t this nice?
RYAN: This is all that matters!
SARAH: What do you mean?
(Ryan lets go of Sarah’s hands and puts his hands in the air)
RYAN: This right here is all that matters! Without this there is nothing!
SARAH: What are you talking about, Ryan?
RYAN: I’m saying that there isn’t this anymore. I’m saying that there is nothing. It doesn’t matter anymore, Sarah.
SARAH: Ryan, you’re scaring me.
(A train starts coming)
RYAN: I know. I never thought it would come to this. But it has. We’re all here.
(The train comes roaring by and Ryan jumps in front of it and is instantly crushed by it. Cut to Ryan waking up in a cold sweat)
RYAN: FUCK! Oh my God…Jesus Christ. (Ryan opens a nearby bottle of Prozac and takes two pills and puts them in his mouth. He then closes the bottle and puts it down on his bedside table) Sarah…
(Cut to Kirsten, Jacob, Zivah, Olaf and Joris in Jacob’s room. They’re all smoking weed while eating McDonald’s, except for Kirsten)
KIRSTEN: How did this end up happening?
JACOB: Because McDonald’s is so much better when you’re stoned.
ZIVAH: This is the American dream, huh?
JACOB: Fuck yeah.
KIRSTEN: It’s more like the Colorado dream.
JACOB: You want some, Kirsten?
KIRSTEN: I thought you said you were cutting down.
JACOB: Yeah, cutting down, not stopping. I only have McDonald’s once a week.
KIRSTEN: I’m talking about weed.
JACOB: Well, that’s still pretty regular.
(Kirsten takes a hit off Jacob’s pipe as “Crash into Me” by DMB starts playing. We cut to Rob playing DOTA while Jamie watches in her room. They are laughing and making merry. Cut to Rob waving to Jamie as he walks back into the Donahue household. Cut to Rob looking through a window in a guest room of the Donahue household. He is watching Jamie through her bedroom window. She is getting dressed and Rob is masturbating to that. Cut to Kirsten leading a meeting of the theatre club in a classroom. She is pointing to the words “LIGHTING, LIGHTING, SINGING AND ALSO ACTING, THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT TENETS OF THEATRE”. Then cut to Jacob, Kirsten, Zivah, Olaf and Joris in the Donahue game room. Jacob and Kirsten are sitting next to each other on one couch while Zivah, Olaf and Joris are sitting on another couch. Jacob puts his arm around Kirsten and she welcomes this with no resistance. She moves closer and rests her head on Jacob’s chest. Jacob kisses her head. Kirsten then starts making out with Jacob. Cut to Ryan and Sarah at a restaurant. Sarah says something to Ryan and he smiles with a wide grin and then looks down at his lap as his smile fades away. Ryan nervously taps his fingers on the table and Sarah scrunches her eyebrows. Cut to Ryan with a belt tied around his neck in his room, masturbating with his pants down to something on his laptop. He pulls the belt really tight and passes out as he climaxes. A few seconds later, he opens his eyes. Cut to Tim sitting on his living room couch while his parents bawl on the other couch. Then cut to a train track at daytime. A train roars by at full speed as the song ends and we fade to black)
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