“Then they committed high treason. Kidnapped logic and reason, suppressed the weak protests of fear, sense and wit. Together they sat then, to confer, and all agreed on 'Death to her' and vengeance passed the order 'So be it'!”
(We start with Ryan and Brennan at Hansbay Town Center, talking to each other)
RYAN: So, what color do you get when you combine blue and green again? I forgot first grade.
BRENNAN: I think it’s cyan.
RYAN: Okay. Also, how do you make meth? I forgot second grade.
BRENNAN: Did you got to Elementary School in New Mexico-OH SHIT.
(Brennan points over to a bench where Delaware is playing his guitar while Michelle sits right beside him and people are watching)
BRENNAN: Shit’s goin’ down!
RYAN: Why? What’s happening?
BRENNAN: Michelle and Delaware are over there, dude.
RYAN: Shit, they are.
BRENNAN: Dude, is it really that big of a deal?
RYAN: You were the one who brought it up like it was a big deal!
BRENNAN: That’s because of my inexorable thirst for pointless drama; it doesn’t mean you should acquiesce to it. Are you gonna hit him, though?
RYAN: Oh my God…
(Cut to Michelle and Delaware on the bench. Delaware is singing and playing “I Write Sins not Tragedies” by Panic At the Disco)
DELAWARE: (Singing) I chimed in with a “haven’t you people ever heard of…closing the GODDAMN door?” NO! It’s much better to face these kinds of things, with a sense of poise and rationality! I chimed in with a “haven’t you people ever heard of…closing the GODDAMN door?” NO! It’s much better to face these kinds of things, with a sense of poise and rationality! Again…
(The crowd applauds)
STRANGER: Are you in a band, mister?
DELAWARE: Um…it’s kind of hard to say right now, we haven’t really been practicing in the last month.
MICHELLE: For various reasons…
DELAWARE: Her ex punched me repeatedly and so I knocked him out.
MICHELLE: You don’t have to tell them.
DELAWARE: Same difference.
MICHELLE: That doesn’t make any sense in this context, Delaware…
DELAWARE: Well at least I don’t pronounce the word “cottage” weirdly!
MICHELLE: I pronounce it fine, you’re the one who takes random pills you don’t the names or origins of!
DELAWARE: Well you’re the one who has a bad relationship with your father! (Michelle gets up and storms off in a huff) Michelle! I was joking! God, daddy issues Reed over there will calm down, worry not.
STRANGER: I wasn’t worried. She seemed like a real Diva Supreme from Taco Bell, available for a limited time only at participating locations, see menu for details.
DELAWARE: …Totally. Alright, let’s get started back up again. What song should I play next?
STANGER: Play “I live to see another Dark” by Devil’s Niece.
DELAWARE: Will do!
(Cut to Ryan and Brennan standing at a distance from Delaware and the congregants)
BRENNAN: (Imitating sportscaster voice) Well Jim, it looks like Michelle Reed is outta here!
RYAN: (Imitating sportscaster voice) Seems to be the case, Alfred.
BRENNAN: Why is my sportscaster name Alfred?
RYAN: You’re the sportscaster’s butler!
RYAN: Why do you think Michelle stormed off like that?
BRENNAN: Maybe because Delaware’s an asshole and she was fed up.
RYAN: That’s one theory. But I’m an asshole and took her four months to become fed up with me. But Michelle and Delaware have only been dating for three and a half months.
BRENNAN: I doubt they just broke up, but they’re probably just going to have a fight. Why do you care anyway? You’re dating Sarah.
RYAN: Yeah I know.
BRENNAN: Why aren’t you with her right now by the way? It’s a Saturday night.
RYAN: I don’t know, things have been weird since New Year’s when I punched Delaware.
BRENNAN: You always neglect to mention that Delaware is the one who knocked you out.
BRENNAN: What about your band by the way?
RYAN: I don’t know about that either.
BRENNAN: Do you have any certainty in your life about anything?
RYAN: I’m certain that cough syrup will make me feel as if spiders are crawling all over my body and honestly, that’s better than dealing with all this bullshit.
BRENNAN: Wow, dark.
(Ryan takes a swig of cough syrup and then puts it back in his pocket)
BRENNAN: Ryan, maybe we shouldn’t think about Delaware and Michelle if it stresses you out so much.
RYAN: You’re probably right. What do you want to do?
BRENNAN: Let’s eat at Dimmy’s.
BRENNAN: No, Dimmy’s. The restaurant where the lights are dim and there are century-old photographs everywhere for no reason.
RYAN: Oh yeah, that place is fine.
(Cut to Kimberly driving with Ethan in the passenger seat. Ethan looks giddy and is holding Glenn Beck’s book “AGENDA 21”)
KIMBERLY: You excited?
KIMBERLY: Really excited?
KIMBERLY: Good. Why couldn’t you have driven?
ETHAN: Because today is my day! I get to meet Glenn Beck at the Barnes and Noble! I feel like I’m walking on Beckshine!
ETHAN: Yeah! Beckshine is what I call the radiance of Glenn Beck’s red, flustered countenance and mild stubble he always seems to have on his internet show!
KIMBERLY: Well, I have a few words to say to him.
ETHAN: Don’t say anything insulting to him!
KIMBERLY: I’m not going to say anything offensive; I’m just going to tell him his books are great insight into the syphilitic mind of a glorified conspiracy theorist!
ETHAN: Oh my God, what will they accomplish?
KIMBERLY: What did him calling the child victims of the Norway bombing the “Hitler Youth” accomplish?
ETHAN: What is Senator Feinstein’s proposed assault weapons ban going to accomplish?
KIMBERLY: The number of assault weapons recovered from Maryland crime scenes dropped nine percent during the assault weapons ban and shot up twenty percent after it expired!
ETHAN: Feinstein pointed an assault weapon with her finger on the trigger at a crowd of people! Is that her plan to address gun violence? To accidentally kill gun owners?
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly parking and getting out of the car and walking through the parking lot)
KIMBERLY: The reason Republicans and Democrats are working together in the Senate to reform immigration by strengthening border security and providing a pathway to citizenship is because Republicans know they can’t get elected by relying exclusively on scared old white people and Wall Street people who have cufflinks on their dicks!
ETHAN: Right, but we can’t provide amnesty for these criminals that are stealing jobs!
KIMBERLY: They’re not criminals, it’s a civil offense, not a criminal offense and by the way, they’re doing the jobs we don’t want to do!
ETHAN: Give me a rake and I’ll make a leaf pile for every illegal immigrant in America to jump into!
KIMBERLY: We’re not hiring them to rake our leaves?!
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly walking through the door of the Barnes and Noble. The place is crowded)
ETHAN: The filibuster is the only way Republicans have any influence in a Democrat- controlled Senate, they’re trying to silence them!
KIMBERLY: The filibuster deal was watered down anyway; you still don’t have to read the bible or a dictionary or your Hello Kitty diary to block legislation!
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly standing in line near some book shelves at Barnes and Noble)
ETHAN: This is so exciting! I’m going to meet Glennard Beckland the third!
KIMBERLY: Is that really his name?
RANDOM LINE PATRON: His name might as well be Moses! He’s going to gather two of every kind of conservative and take us on an ark to Galt’s Gulch!
KIMBERLY: Ayn Rand’s utopia?
ETHAN: Fuck yeah! Two TEA Partiers, two moderate conservatives, two libertarians, two giraffes, on and on and he’s going to take us to the wonderland where excess, avarice and unhinged commerce is not only tolerated, but celebrated! All the entitlement-demanding parasites have to fend for themselves while the deserving class employs them at little or no cost to us!
KIMBERLY: Okay, “no cost” to you would be slavery.
RANDOM LINE PATRON: Let the free market decide what slavery is.
KIMBERLY: I think the thirteenth amendment decides what slavery is.
RANDOM LINE PATRON: You’ve been watching too much “Lincoln”! It was just a movie! Hello? This is reality!
KIMBERLY: You were just talking about how a 48-year old radio host would take you on an ark to a fictional place.
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly at the front of the line. Glenn Beck is sitting behind a desk wearing a gray collared shirt, suspenders and glasses while his aides hand Ethan’s book to him. Glenn signs it and hands it to Ethan. Ethan walks up and shakes Glenn’s hand)
ETHAN: You sir, are the pinnacle of truth in our society.
GLENN BECK: Thank you, very much.
ETHAN: Ooh! Hold on, I gotta check something.
GLENN BECK: Sorry?
(Ethan gets down on the ground and looks under the table to see Glenn is wearing white sneakers then gets back up)
ETHAN: Wearing your white sneakers today, Glenn? Classic!
GLENN BECK: We’ve got a lot of people here, sir.
ETHAN: Let’s just hope a conservative wins the next election!
GLENN BECK: Here’s hoping.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, by changing the electoral system to benefit them.
ETHAN: But the electoral system in certain swing states is unfair because it doesn’t evenly divide electoral votes, Kimmy!
KIMBERLY: So it’s just a coincidence that Romney would’ve lost the popular vote but won the Electoral College had their proposals been in effect last year?
ETHAN: Who the hell is Mitt Romney? We’re talking about future President Glenn Beck here!
KIMBERLY: You met Mitt Romney! Several times!
ETHAN: Yeah and now I’ve met Glenn Beck! Beck 2016!
GLENN BECK: Alright, security, get them out of here.
(Glenn’s bodyguard comes over to Ethan and Kimberly and takes them aside)
BODYGUARD: Hey, you’re not going to start taking pictures, are you?
KIMBERLY: No, of course not.
ETHAN: I was just wondering if I could get a pair of his glasses so I could sleep with them.
ETHAN: Maybe his suspenders?
BODYGUARD: Especially not those. He personally pried those from Larry King’s dead body.
ETHAN: Larry King’s not dead.
BODYGUARD: Oh. I guess he was just napping in a graveyard then. Anyway, you two get the funk out of here.
(A man in a suit walks out from behind Glenn Beck)
MAN IN A SUIT: Wait a minute George! These two have wonderful banter. Let me talk to them.
(George walks away)
MAN IN A SUIT: Are you two married?
ETHAN: Yes, for twenty years.
MAN IN SUIT: And you guys discuss politics like this often?
KIMBERLY: All the time. We have pretty heated discussions.
ETHAN: And I all I do is win, win, win them!
KIMBERLY: And quote DJ Khaled apparently.
MAN IN SUIT: Well, I’m Glenn’s agent, Matt Hiltzik.
ETHAN: Nice to meet you.
(Ethan and Kimberly shake Matt’s hands)
MATT: You as well.
KIMBERLY: Wait a minute, why do I recognize your name?
MATT: I worked for Hillary Clinton’s 2000 Senate campaign.
KIMBERLY: Oh yeah…wait, you work for Glenn Beck now?!
ETHAN: But he’s trying to undermine Democrats like Hillary Clinton!
MATT: Please, do you think I don’t realize that nobody takes Glenn seriously anymore?
GLENN: I’m right here! And listen, if you disagree with somebody, just say so. Be real. You know? Just be cool.
GLENN: Now stop holding up the line.
MATT: Sorry Glenn. Let’s talk over here. (Matt, Ethan and Kimberly walk over to near a bookshelf and talk there as the line continues along)Anyway, I’ve been looking for a husband and wife pundit team like James Carville and Mary Matalin except to where the man is the conservative and the woman is the liberal.
ETHAN: Also, I’m not what would happen if Golem and Colonel Sanders had a baby and named it James Carville.
MATT: Right. But yeah, you two would be a great husband and wife political pundit team.
KIMBERLY: For what network though? We can’t go to New York, Washington or Atlanta that often.
MATT: The great news is you don’t have to! Local news is dying, so Hansbay News Five has hired me to add a little of the vitriolic, punditry flare that makes CNN, FOX News and MSNBC so unbelievably profitable.
ETHAN: Really? So it could be like a part-time thing?
MATT: Absolutely, just come in during that hour-long stretch of news to argue politics with your wife. It’s like what you guys normally do, just with more lighting, better clothes, more make-up, more viewers and less thought.
KIMBERLY: Well, I mean I think we should have cogent, but thoughtful analysis.
MATT: Yeah, okay. Anyway, would you guys be willing?
KIMBERLY: Your call, sugar-bunny.
MATT: Wow, don’t use that nickname on air. Call him asshole.
MATT: To perpetuate divisiveness, why else? Are you guys in?
KIMBERLY: …Yeah! I’m in. This should be exciting.
ETHAN: Me too.
MATT: Alright! Congratulations! Here’s my number.
(Matt hands them both business cards and Ethan and Kimberly look at them)
KIMBERLY: It says here you can backyard sit?
MATT: Yeah, it’s where I watch people’s backyards until they get home from vacation, just make sure everything’s copasetic.
ETHAN: Do you house sit?
MATT: That’s for an extra fee! Honestly, this Glenn Beck gig doesn’t earn me much dough anymore. Anyway, I can’t wait to work with you two.
(They shake hands and Matt walks away. Ethan and Kimberly turn towards each other, smile and hug. Cut to Kyle sitting in his apartment, looking out the window. Out the window is a stocked pond where a man is fishing. Kyle sits there in a state of disgust. A knock is heard at the door)
KYLE: Who is it?
MADELINE: (Offscreen) It’s me!
KYLE: Come in.
(Madeline comes in with bagels in hand)
MADELINE: Hey, I brought bagels.
(Madeline sets them down on the coffee table)
MADELINE: What are you looking at?
(Kyle shuts the curtains and turns around)
MADELINE: Every time I come over here you’re looking out that window. Why?
KYLE: (Sighs) Um… every morning I get up, and you know how there's a little stocked pond in the middle of my apartment complex?
KYLE: Well, this fucking asshole keeps fishing every morning, and I have to get up and see him fish. And I HATE IT. He's like, "Oh look at me, I fish!” What do I do about it? I can't be subjected to this!
MADELINE: How fortunate, you have the gift of telepathy...you know what he's thinking?
KYLE: I can tell! He thinks he’s better than everybody else.
MADELINE: You apparently choose to "subject yourself to this," by the way.
KYLE: Well, what else am I supposed to do? “Don’t Trust the B in Apartment 23” got cancelled, so there’s nothing to watch on TV.
MADELINE: You watched that show?
KYLE: Yeah! It was my favorite show since Work It was cancelled.
MADELINE: That show lasted for a week!
KYLE: Yeah, and I wrote fan fiction for it!
MADELINE: Wow. Anyway, I brought bagels.
KYLE: Thanks. (Kyle walks over and picks up a bagel and takes a bite out of it) Because I’m Jewish?
MADELINE: (Laughs) Yeah, I bought bagels because you’re Jewish.
(Kyle smiles and walks over to the window and opens the curtains)
KYLE: That son of a bitch…
MADELINE: Oh my God, we’re going out.
(Kyle turns around)
KYLE: What’s up?
MADELINE: You can’t seem to get over the guy who’s fishing, so you obviously need to get out of your dorm for a while.
KYLE: Where would we go?
MADELINE: Let’s go to that new restaurant that opened over on Briar lane.
KYLE: Which one?
MADELINE: It’s called Pariah’s Dinner.
KYLE: I don’t know, I don’t want to go too far away.
MADELINE: It’s like, 45 seconds away.
(Kyle looks at his watch. Madeline stands there awkwardly. Ten seconds pass and Kyle looks back up)
KYLE: Sure, let’s go.
(Kyle grabs his coat, as does Madeline. Cut to them getting out of their car at Pariah’s Dinner. They see a bunch of cars and hear a restaurant teeming with people, laughter and loud music. They get out of their car and walk to the middle of the parking lot)
KYLE: There are a lot of people here for a Wednesday night.
MADELINE: Yeah. We’ll see if we can get a table.
(Kyle and Madeline walk up to the restaurant to see there is no door)
KYLE: Um, I guess it’s on the other side. (Kyle and Madeline walk around to the corner and there is no door there either) I guess it’s at the back.
(They walk to the back and there is no door there either)
MADELINE: That’s bizarre, I guess it’s on the other side.
(They walk around to the other side and there’s no door there either)
KYLE: What the fuck?
(Huge laughter emanates from the restaurant)
MADELINE: They seem to be having so much fun in there too!
KYLE: I know, how the fuck does this restaurant not have any doors?
(Cut to inside the restaurant. There is a speaker emanating the sounds of laughter and another speaker emanating the music. Cut to Ryan and Brennan sitting in Dimmy’s. Ryan has a glass of Mountain Dew and Brennan as a burger and water. The restaurant is very dim and there are random black and white photographs everywhere)
BRENNAN: Wow, this place is so dim!
RYAN: Is this restaurant for humans or deep sea viper fish?
BRENNAN: By the way, I started this petition online to strip Lance Armstrong.
RYAN: …Of what?
BRENNAN: Just strip him!
BRENNAN: Because the ladies demand it.
(Ryan laughs and then something catches his eye. He sees Michelle talking with a ratty-looking emo kid with greasy, long black hair, a ratty jacket, a lip ring, ripped skinny jeans and a beanie)
(Ryan points and Brennan looks)
BRENNAN: Who is that kid?
RYAN: That’s Calvin Lamiter!
BRENNAN: So? It looks like they’re getting along.
RYAN: Dude, that’s THE Calvin Lamiter!
BRENNAN: I didn’t know there was a THE Calvin Lamiter!
RYAN: Dude, that dude’s twenty-two and he takes advantage of like, sixteen years old and sometimes younger at parties by getting them all boozed up.
BRENNAN: God, that’s repulsive.
BRENNAN: But, Michelle’s eighteen, so it would be legal.
RYAN: Still though! First of all she’s dating Delaware, secondly I know he’s going to get her boozed up so she makes a bad decision.
BRENNAN: Does Michelle drink that often?
RYAN: Remember how shitfaced she got at Adam’s summer party seven and a half months ago?
BRENNAN: Oh yeah, she was drunk in no time flat. But you know, chicks get drunker easier, she probably had half a Mike’s can and went full-on drunk slut.
RYAN: All the more reason she shouldn’t accompany Calvin Lamiter-(Michelle and Calvin leave together) and there they go. Shit.
BRENNAN: Well, what are you gonna do?
RYAN: …Let’s follow them.
RYAN: We’re going to follow them.
BRENNAN: Ryan, why are you so-
RYAN: I’m not going to let Michelle get raped!
BRENNAN: She’s not going to get raped, Ryan.
RYAN: Let’s go.
(Ryan gets up and Brennan rolls his eyes and follows along)
BRENNAN: This is dumb, Ryan!
(Cut to Ryan and Brennan driving)
RYAN: Thanks for letting me use your car.
BRENNAN: Well, Michelle knows your car, so I figured following them would be easier this way.
BRENNAN: So, what are you gonna do once we get there?
RYAN: I’m going to kill Calvin Lamiter.
RYAN: I’m going to kill him! I’m going to FUCKING kill him!
BRENNAN: Like, beat him up?
RYAN: Like, murder!
BRENNAN: Ryan, you’re not going to murder Calvin Lamiter.
RYAN: Well, I’m going to threaten him with death.
BRENNAN: Ryan, you’re some scrawny emo kid with a grudge, no one is going to take you seriously.
RYAN: I fought Dirk, didn’t I?
BRENNAN: Yeah, and you lost.
RYAN: He ended up dying anyway. I almost fought Scott!
BRENNAN: Yeah and you both agreed to back down.
RYAN: I have to assert myself; Michelle can’t be subjected to that ratty emo kid.
BRENNAN: So, basically this is Scrawny Emo Kid V. Board of Ratty Emo Kid?
RYAN: Yes! And I intend to win.
BRENNAN: Why do you care about the decisions she makes? She made her bed, let her drunkenly vibrate for fifteen minutes in it.
RYAN: But I care about her, just because we’re not dating doesn’t mean I don’t want her to make dumb decisions. I mean, I was the one who made stupid decisions while we were dating and now she seems to be falling apart. Why though? Has Delaware changed her that much?
BRENNAN: Delaware’s toxic, probably more so than Calvin.
RYAN: Yeah, but I made the mistake of actually trying to fight Delaware, I should’ve just subdued him without fighting, like I’m Kung Su or some shit. That’s what I’m going to do this time. Anyway, here’s his house. (Ryan and Brennan pull up to a house, as does the car with Calvin and Michelle in it. There are many cars on the street and there appears to be a party going on. Michelle and Calvin get out of the car laughing and Calvin hands Michelle a handle of rum, which she accepts and subsequently swigs as they walk inside) God, she is drinking a lot.
BRENNAN: Yeah, she’s even drinking out of a nondescript clear handle, that could’ve been rubbing alcohol for all she knew.
RYAN: I don’t like this.
BRENNAN: How are we going to infiltrate this party without her realizing it’s us?
RYAN: We’ll just say we happened to have been invited to the same party, NBD.
RYAN: Mark your calendar, Brennan. Saturday, February 2, 2013, the day that Calvin Lamiter dies.
BRENNAN: Nobody’s dying!
RYAN: Let’s lock and load.
BRENNAN: You don’t have a gun!
(Ryan and Brennan get out of the car. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly in dress clothes sitting at the side of the Hansbay News Five desk while Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury sit behind it. Two make-up artists are touching up Ethan and Kimberly’s make-up while Matt stands behind them)
PATRICK WHITE: Could I get a quick shoe shine before we go live?
DIRECTOR (Offscreen) They won’t be able to see your shoes on television.
PATRICK WHITE: Oh, so my shoes can’t be shiny?! I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS INSOLENCE!
DIRECTOR: Jesus, fine.
(A Hispanic man in a tuxedo walks over and Patrick puts his feet up on the desk and the man starts using a rag and some shoe shine to shine his shoes)
PATRICK WHITE: Thanks, Jesús.
ETHAN: Hey Debra, could you put some of that cheek blush on me so I can like red in the face like my hero Glenn Beck?
DEBRA: I don’t think Matt wants me to do that.
MATT: I don’t.
ETHAN: Just get me some black-brimmed glasses, please.
MATT: Nope, OKAY, WE GO ON AIR IN FIFTEEN SECONDS!
(The make-up artists leave and the shoe shiner finishes up. He leaves and Patrick puts his feet back under his desk)
DIRECTOR: Fourteen, thirteen, twelve, eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four.
(He silently mouths three, two and one and then the camera goes in on Patrick and Fiona as they go live)
PATRICK WHITE: Hello and welcome to the Hansbay Action Five eight o’clock news. I’m Patrick White.
FIONA: And I’m Fiona Cadbury.
PATRICK WHITE: And I’m Patrick White. Senator John Kerry was confirmed for the Secretary of State’s position on Tuesday and will be sworn in tomorrow. Secretary-to be Kerry will be replacing current Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who will now take the next two years to contemplate whether she can afford to be hurt again by the American people.
FIONA CADBURY: Meanwhile, a corruption investigation is rocking Capitol Hill. New Jersey Democratic Senator Robert Menendez, the man who replaced former Senator Kerry as chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations committee, is being investigated for violating campaign finance law, using his influence to help his friend Doctor Solomon Melgen and allegedly soliciting underaged prostitutes while in the Dominican Republic. He insists however that the underaged Dominican prostitutes did not exist and that they were a hoax perpetrated by Hawaiian uber-prankster Ronaiah Tuiasosopo….that can’t be right.
PATRICK WHITE: In other news, President Obama recently claimed in an interview with The Republic magazine that he goes skeet shooting at Camp David “all the time”. Conservatives like Tennessee Congresswoman Marsha Blackburn and others questioned this claim, saying that President Obama has never talked about this hobby before the gun control debate initiated. For a completely predictable and perfunctory disquisition on this topic, here’s conservative commentator and Chief of Staff to Mayor Sarandon Ethan Donahue and liberal commentator, owner of Altmire Racquetball Incorporated Kimberly Donahue. They also happen to be a married couple of twenty years. (The camera pans to reveal them) Thank you two for joining us.
ETHAN: You’re welcome.
KIMBERLY: So welcome.
PATRICK WHITE: So, what do you think about this controversy?
ETHAN: If President Obama doesn’t release a picture of himself firing an AR-15 into the air with two glocks strapped to his belt at Camp David then he won’t put this issue to rest in any sense of the word.
KIMBERLY: This entire thing is so ridiculous, President Obama should never have even attempted to pander to gun owners or Republicans like this, he’ll never satisfy them. There is insurmountable evidence that he was born in this country and yet there are still people who don’t believe him.
ETHAN: Guns are an American tradition though! Just like shotgun weddings and aerial hunting of moose. Maybe if Obama was born in Hawaii with the gynecologist at gunpoint it would help his credibility with those who cherish the second amendment.
KIMBERLY: A shotgun birth?
ETHAN: Exactly, where’s the evidence that Stanley Ann Dunham’s gynecologist was forced at gunpoint to deliver the President?
KIMBERLY: There is none.
ETHAN: I rest my case then.
FIONA: Let’s move on. North Korea has recently declared the United States its arch-enemy. They have an arsenal of nuclear-tipped missiles and have announced a pact with Iran and Syria, who Israel is preparing a pre-emptive strike against. Who’s to blame for this aggression?
KIMBERLY: Well, I think Israel needs to-wait, who’s to blame?
ETHAN: I’ll take this dear, um, President Obamas failure to wage war against any of these countries is the reason all these countries are waging war with each other.
KIMBERLY: Nobody’s waging war with anybody yet, first of all, it’s all saber-rattling, plus, you’re saying President Obama’s failure to wage war is the reason there is a war?
ETHAN: That’s correct. It’s the axis of evil. No, that’s a little out of date, it’s the axis of…iniquity?
PATRICK: I like it.
KIMBERLY: I don’t! Listen, this aggression is concerning, but we shouldn’t rush to war here.
ETHAN: Congress hasn’t declared war seventy years, therefore, there’s been seventy years of peace, only sullied by dozens of police actions.
KIMBERLY: Listen, I’m less interested in whom to blame and more interested in where we go from here. North Korea has never pushed this hard for war and Iran has never taken this strong a stance on Syria and Israel, but we prevented war with Russia and they had thirty thousand nuclear weapons.
ETHAN: Pacifism has never served us well, Patrick. We need to intervene to save American lives from being caught up in a war, North Korea’s missiles could level Staten Island and although that sounds awesome at first, it’s not as good as you think.
KIMBERLY: I didn’t think it was good!
ETHAN: It could also level Boston.
KIMBERLY: That’s wicked retawded! Sorry, I’m a Boston girl.
ETHAN: Yeah, well slack-jawed drunk Sox fan super-slut Boston chicks with IQs of 90 could be wiped off the face of the Earth if we do nothing.
PATRICK WHITE: Well, thank you two for your cogent analysis. We’ll be right back.
DIRECTOR: And we’re off!
(The director comes on to the set to talk to Ethan and Kimberly, as does Matt)
MATT: Alright, Ethan, you were great. But Kimberly, I think you need to work on your punditry.
ETHAN: Well, I thought she made her points well.
MATT: Yeah, but she didn’t say Republicans would rather have kids massacred in schools than give up their assault weapons.
KIMBERLY: Because that would be a completely unfair assertion.
MATT; BUT, BUT, BUT it would get attention. BUT!
KIMBERLY: I don’t think I’m comfortable with being that vitriolic.
MATT: BUT you guys are married, right? Act like your political arguments are like relationship arguments when you go on air tomorrow. Get personal, too. Kimberly, say Boehner is as authentic as one of your orgasms.
KIMBERLY: Wow, definitely not saying that.
MATT: Do you not fake orgasms?
KIMBERLY: …Of course not.
(Cut to Madeline and Kyle sitting in a restaurant, looking at the menus)
MADELINE: How is Duplicit going by the way?
KYLE: It’s going fine I guess. We’re still getting advertising dollars from Kimberly, but Ryan still owes us.
MADELINE: I trust he’ll pay you when his band becomes big.
KYLE: So, never?
KYLE: Anyway, remember how I told you almost two months ago that Oliver wasn’t giving me a fair share of the profits?
KYLE: He still isn’t.
MADELINE: Really? Damn, that’s rough. You know, I never spoke to him about it.
KYLE: That’s probably best. You shouldn’t concern yourself with such things.
MADELINE: So, what’s the business model for Duplicit?
KYLE: Um, uh- (The waitress comes over) HI!
WAITRESS: …Hi. Welcome to Captain Crocket’s. I’m Mabel. Can I get you guys anything?
KYLE: Yes, I’d like the boneless chicken tenders.
WAITRESS: Oh, those are okay. And for you?
MADELINE: I’d like the mediocre mini-pizza, extra mediocre.
WAITRESS: It sure is edible; I’ll take your menus.
(Waitress takes the menus and walks away)
KYLE: So, how are you and Oliver?
MADELINE: We’re good. He’s very passionate about his website. He says his goal right now is to get John King to waste five minutes reading posts on Duplicit about Obama’s upcoming State of the Union.
KYLE: Well, that’s his prerogative, he’s the idea man. We money handlers are forgotten in history.
MADELINE: I don’t know about that, what about JP Morgan?
KYLE: I’m sure even he had a little coke-addicted accountant just like all moguls do.
MADELINE: Yeah, why do so many accountants do coke?
KYLE: It’s much more interesting than math. Although my dad used to arrange the lines to wear they would form an obtuse angle.
MADELINE: (Laughs) That’s interesting.
KYLE: (Smiles) Yeah. Hey, do you think they serve alcohol here?
MADELINE: Kyle, it’s five in the afternoon.
KYLE: Well, it’s five in the morning somewhere else.
MADELINE: Yeah, that’s an even worse time to drink.
(A waiter comes over)
KYLE: Your meanest drink, please.
(Cut to Madeline and Kyle stumbling into Kyle’s apartment, clearly drunk and laughing. Kyle closes the door and Madeline jumps on the couch and kicks off her shoes. Kyle jumps on the couch with her)
KYLE: (Laughing) Fifteen percent plus tip!
MADELINE: (Laughing) I tipped him fifteen percent, plus tip?! Does that make any sense?!
KYLE: (Laughing) No, it makes no sense at all! (Their laughing dies down) Oh, this manischewitz is some strong mushigina.
(Madeline laughs, as does Kyle)
MADELINE: You didn’t even drink Manischewitz!
KYLE: Jesus turned water into wine, Jews turn wine into Manischewitz.
(Madeline and Kyle laugh)
MADELINE: Do you have any booze here?
KYLE: Probably. Hold on. (Kyle gets up and walks to the kitchen. He kneels down and opens his liquor cabinet to reveal Manischewitz, vodka and Wild Turkey. He takes the Wild Turkey and pours it into two glasses and walks back into the living room to see Madeline looking out the window) What’s out there, Maddie?
MADELINE: (Laughing) That guy’s still fucking fishing!
KYLE: Jesus, seriously?
MADELINE: He is! How long is that? Two and a half hours?
KYLE: Yeah, I guess. Plus, he has one of those retarded fucking Billy Bass things on his apartment door.
MADELINE: (Laughing) Are you fucking kidding me? What is it, 2003?
KYLE: (Laughing) I know! Here’s some Wild Turkey.
(Madeline takes the glass and drinks some)
MADELINE: We should steal it!
KYLE: Steal what?
MADELINE: The Billy Bass!
KYLE: (Laughs) We totally should.
MADELINE: No, no, no, no, like for real! Let’s steal it!
KYLE: Should we?
KYLE: Madeline, go home, you’re drunk.
(Madeline and Kyle laugh)
MADELINE: I’m gonna do it!
(Madeline runs out the door and Kyle puts his drink down and runs after her)
KYLE: Madeline! (Cut to the apartment door. Madeline runs down to it while Kyle runs after her. Madeline runs over to the apartment door, as does Kyle) Madeline, you can’t steal it!
BILLY BASS: Catch me if you can! I can sing Elvis! (Singing) Ain’t nothing but a billy bass, bassin’ all the time. Fishin’ fishin’ fishin’, ain’t no bass of mine! (Normal voice) Was that good? I don’t want to have to record it again. Your turned this off, right?
(Madeline looks at Kyle)
KYLE: Okay, steal it.
(Madeline takes it off the door and they both run upstairs. Cut to Ryan and Brennan talking to a brunette girl in blue skinny jeans and a dude with curly brown hair, muscles, a tank top, loose jeans and Nikes at that house party. There are many people there)
RYAN: Do you guys go to school at Hansbay High?
DOUCHEY KID: Yeah, I’m Trey Goodlatte.
BRENNAN: Oh yeah, I’ve seen you two around before.
TREY: Yeah, this is my bitch Colleen.
COLLEEN: (Dumb girl voice) Ugh, Trey, you’re such an asshole. I trust you, though.
TREY: She trusts me.
TREY: Fuck yeah it is.
COLLEEN: Trey got me these pants as an apology for when he beat up my dad.
TREY: You got a problem?
RYAN: …No. They’re nice pants.
TREY: They’re more than nice! Okay? Babe, I’d fuck the shit out of you in those pants.
COLLEEN: Thanks, babe.
(They start making out)
BRENNAN: How do you fuck somebody while they’re wearing pants?
RYAN: Let’s walk away.
(Brennan and Ryan walk away and run into Michelle and Calvin)
RYAN: AHH! Hey, Michelle.
MICHELLE: (Drunk) Ryan, what are you doing here?
RYAN: We were just invited here by chance.
CALVIN: No such thing as coincidences, bro. I’ve read a lot of philosophy in my day.
BRENNAN: Is that right?
CALVIN: Yeah, I found a philosophy book in a book store and just left with it.
RYAN: You didn’t pay for it?
CALVIN: No, someone just left it in there by coincidence.
(Chris Hayes from UP With Chris Hayes on MSNBC runs over wearing a plaid shirt, jeans and glasses and holding a beer)
CHRIS HAYES: WOO! Who wants to take shots of Mike’s?! Anybody who’s in go this corner!
(Chris Hayes runs away)
RYAN: …Was that Chris Hayes from MSNBC?
MICHELLE: Yeah, Ryan, you didn’t know? He’s like fifteen.
RYAN: Wha-fifteen? I knew he has kind of a baby face, but he’s fifteen?
CALVIN: Well, he was born in ’97, so I guess he’s fifteen and a half.
RYAN: Still though.
MICHELLE: We’re gonna go…talk to…other.
(Michelle drunkenly laughs as Calvin and her walk away)
BRENNAN: So when’s murderin’ time?
RYAN: I’m not going to kill him; I’m just going to threaten to kill him.
BRENNAN: That’s still illegal, who are you to judge her for drinking anyway? You’ve fallen off the wagon.
RYAN: Hey, I’m still off ecstasy, I’m just drinking booze and doing cough syrup and anti-depressants and Xanax.
BRENNAN: Oh, well then you’re sober as fuckin’ Mother Teresa now, huh?
RYAN: Shut up, dude, I’m more concerned about her inhibited ability to make good decisions.
BRENNAN: Dude, everyone here is going to kill you if you threaten Calvin Lamiter. What leverage do you have?
RYAN: Goddamnit, um…
(Chris Hayes walks over with a bong in hand)
CHRIS HAYES: I’m so high right now!
BRENNAN: That bong has nothing in it.
CHRIS HAYES: My parents were out of town last week and we fuckin’ got so drunk we almost couldn’t play Risk, almost!
RYAN: Alright, Chris.
CHRIS HAYES: I’m getting my license soon and I’m going to hotbox the fuck out of my car erry day! And I’ll use a custom-made Columbian glass air freshener to eradicate any undesirable odors left by all the hot boxing! Some really bad people gave me that air freshener, I gotta tell you guys.
RYAN: Wait a minute! Brennan! Chris Hayes just gave me a great idea!
CHRIS HAYES: Are you thinking what would happen if we mixed Mike’s Hard Lemonade with Mark’s Grape Punch?
CHRIS HAYES: Yeah, that might be dangerous.
(Ryan walks over to Calvin and Michelle and Brennan walks away too)
RYAN: Hey, Calvin, could I talk to you?
CALVIN: Uh, sure.
MICHELLE: I’m gonna go to the bathroom.
(Michelle stumbles away)
CALVIN: What’s up?
RYAN: Let me tell you something, Calvin.
RYAN: Go away, Brennan. (Brennan pauses, then walks away) Calvin, let me tell you something. My father recently narrowly avoided a corruption conviction as did my dad’s boss as I’m sure you aware, but don’t you think for a second that that means Mayor Sarandon and my dad aren’t corrupt and don’t have ties to some VERY bad people. People than can have things done. Things like tying certain things to certain cement things and dropping certain things into certain indigenous bodies of certain water until you drown. So if you put one of your greasy, ratty, statutory rapist fingers on one strand of Michelle’s hair you are as good as wet. And dead. Both. You got that?
(Ryan walks away and goes over to Brennan smiling)
BRENNAN: What’d you say?
RYAN: I did it! I told him my dad had mob ties and that he’d have him killed if he touched Michelle and he totally bought it!
BRENNAN: Oh my God, that’s awesome! But wait, what if your dad is accused of having mob ties now?
RYAN: I haven’t thought that far ahead.
(Michelle walks over to Calvin)
MICHELLE: Heyyyy, let’s just fuck!
CALVIN: Uh, sorry, but I have an appointment with a dentist, I have to go. You can get a ride from Ryan. Dentist appointment.
MICHELLE: You have a dentist appointment at 11PM?
CALVIN: He’s a late-night dentist, have a good night.
(Calvin walks away)
MICHELLE: Calvin! Ugh… (Michelle walks over to Ryan and Brennan) What the fffuck is wrong with you?
RYAN: I do not know what you are talking about.
MICHELLE: What did you say to him?
RYAN: I can neither confirm nor deny that I threatened his life.
MICHELLE; Never said that you did, but now I think you did, WHAT THE FUCK?!
RYAN: Well I’m sorry that I don’t want some greasy, ratty, poor-ass statutory rapist to take advantage of your drunk self!
MICHELLE: The only statue he raped was YOU!
RYAN: Wow, you’re so drunk.
MICHELLE: Fuck you! I’m gonna get a ride from Chris Hayes.
(Chris Hayes comes over)
CHRIS HAYES: I won’t have a car until my sweet sixteen baby, but my friend Trey can take us BOTH home.
(Trey and Colleen come over)
TREY: Yeah, I could take Michelle and Chris home and leave Colleen here.
COLLEEN: Trey, you’re such an asshole! I trust you though.
RYAN: Why do you trust him?
(Cut to Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury at the news desk)
PATRICK WHITE: Welcome to Hansbay News Five. It is Friday, February 1, 2013. Tonight we will discuss President Obama’s decision to shut down the office responsible for closing Guantanamo Bay with our married couple commentators, liberal Kimberly Donahue and conservative Ethan Donahue. (Pan to them in suits. Ethan has a huge flag pin and Kimberly has a rainbow flag pin) Thanks for joining us, guys.
ETHAN: It’s our pleasure.
PATRICK: Indeed. So, what are your thoughts on the President’s decision, Ethan?
ETHAN: Well, I agree with President Obama on this particular issue. Guantanamo Bay is filled with terrorists who do not deserve to see the light of day because they hate our freedoms! They hate our freedoms even more than we do, they don’t deserve the due process of law!
FIONA: Kimberly, what are your thoughts?
KIMBERLY: Um, I think that…my husband, whom I love, might as well be, uh…pistol whipping our founding fathers by supporting putting these suspected terrorists in legal limbo. Not with muskets either, I uh…yeah.
PATRICK: Ouch! Ethan, your thoughts?
ETHAN: Well, you might as well be pistol whipping the guy who invented the toilet considering how much you leave the toilet seat up!
FIONA: Ouchie! Nice.
KIMBERLY: Aren’t I supposed to say that to you?
ETHAN: Maybe you were.
KIMBERLY: Ugh, whatever, this is stupid. Listen, Guantanamo Bay is against our values, this is the United States of America, the lesson of 9/11 should not be the idea that we can keep people in a state of legal limbo especially when some of them might be innocent. We send drones all around the world to strike terrorist targets but end up killing innocent citizens and we call it the collateral damage of war, well we’re not at war with those countries! What’s that? We’re in a war on terrorism? Last time I checked you can’t wage war on a concept! 9/11 has been used as an excuse to sacrifice our liberties for our security and as Benjamin Franklin said, those who do that deserve neither. We have a law on the books saying your government can indefinitely detain you for mere suspicion of terroristic activities and let me tell you, that makes us China, it doesn’t make us safer.
PATRICK: …What do you think this is, Newsroom on HBO? HA! Nobody’s brave like that in real life Mrs. Donahue. And I don’t think this is working out. Can we get that Louisiana Swamp serpent and his wife Mary Matalin in here instead?
ETHAN: Now hold on-
KIMBERLY: You know what? That’s fine! This is the reason journalism is in such turpitude in this country!
(Kimberly takes off her microphone and storms off)
ETHAN: …Woman and their periods, right? Shit, I gotta go. (Ethan gets up and walks away) KIMBERLY!
(Cut to Madeline and Oliver in Madeline’s apartment sitting at her fold-out dinner table. They’re both drinking coffee, but Madeline looks hung over)
MADELINE: I shouldn’t drink as much as I did last night.
OLIVER: You shouldn’t drink at all, you’re tiny! It’s like those Bounty commercials where they pour blue liquid on paper towels, except instead of blue liquid it’s Whiskey and you’re the other leading brand.
MADELINE: Yeah, I can’t hold it as well as you, although you’re more like the guy on Brawny. (Oliver smiles) Hey, can I ask you something?
MADELINE: Why did you give Kyle a lesser percentage of the profits from Duplicit?
OLIVER: Because he asked that for it.
OLIVER: Yeah, he explicitly asked for a lesser percentage, he thought I deserved more because I thought of the idea, I was thrown off by it too.
MADELINE: Really? He told me…
OLIVER: He told you what?
MADELINE: (Clears her throat) He told me a great joke the other day.
OLIVER: Let’s hear it!
MADELINE: …Okay. Um…
(Madeline stays silent for ten seconds. Cut to Kimberly backstage at the news station. She’s crying and Ethan comes over to her)
ETHAN: Kimmy, don’t cry. You’ll ruin the two tons of make-up they put on you.
(Kimberly smiles a little bit and looks up)
KIMBERLY: They fired me on air!
ETHAN: They fired both of us on air, honey. And I’m glad.
KIMBERLY: You’re glad that we were embarrassed on national television?
ETHAN: We weren’t embarrassed. You know what, scratch that, if anyone should be embarrassed, it should be me. I acted like bloviating jackass because they told me to, you on the other hand were brave and made very cogent points. This is going to go viral on the internet, Kimmy, trust me. Local news is dying, but the internet…the internet is more than a place where people misspell things or lonely teens go to threaten suicide, it’s where opportunity happens. Okay?
(Kimberly composes herself)
KIMBERLY: You’re right. What I did was brave. Thank you. I love you.
ETHAN: I love you too. You cut and run apologist socialist liberal.
(Kimberly smiles and they then hug. Cut to Ryan asleep in his bed with his clothes on. On his bedside table are empty medicine bottles and a half-empty handle of Crown Royal, along with his phone. His phone goes off and Ryan begrudgingly gets up and answers it)
RYAN: Oh, hi Michelle. If you want to yell at me, save your breath. Or at least yell into a fan so you can sound like a robot.
MICHELLE: No, I don’t want to yell at you, I want to…I want to say thank you.
RYAN: …Oh. Um, you’re welcome. I was just trying to protect you-
MICHELLE: I know.
(Michelle hangs up, to Ryan’s surprise and yet, delight. Ryan puts his phone down and smiles. Cut to Kyle looking out the window, looking at the man fishing. He sheds a single tear. Fade to black)
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Script / Humor
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
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