“COLD AND DARK”
“Sheets of white fight like schoolboys for first place atop a drift. Fall on each other, struggle for dominance, how easily they are swayed into the fight, trying to impress the wind to catch her breath, breath that drives a battle”
(We start with Jacob, Ryan, Preston, Beckett, Roger and Brandon hanging out in the game room of the Donahue household. The window reveals a large amount of snow outside)
JACOB: Here’s a question, would you ever date a deaf chick?
ROGER: Nigga, if she’s hot my dick don’t discriminate.
JACOB: But she would probably be really loud when you were having sex with her, her moans would be more like roars, you know?
BRANDON: Fonzi had a deaf girlfriend on Happy Days.
RYAN: Why didn’t he just beat her to make her hearing again? It worked with the jukebox.
JACOB: This is pretty fun, I’m glad we had the idea of a Snowstorm party.
PRESTON: Yeah, it’s really coming down out there. New York, Massachusetts, New Jersey and Rhode Island declared states of emergency I think.
BRANDON: There’s like eight inches of snow out there, I’m so glad we didn’t have to go to school yesterday.
RYAN: I actually did go to school, but just to loot. I got a pretty awesome computer from 1998, I was thinking I could fix ‘er up, make her a gaming computer.
JACOB: For what? Mario Teaches Typing?
RYAN: On second thought, it may not have been worth it.
JACOB: Hey, where is that chick?
RYAN: What chick?
JACOB: The one that we picked up, the sixteen-year old chick that somehow came along with us, I don’t even think she’s from around here?
RYAN: Oh yeah, I think she’s in the other room.
(An extremely distraught sixteen-year old chick walks out of a room and stands in front of everyone. She’s on the verge of tears)
RYAN: Oh my God, are you okay?
GIRL: I-I…I was r-r-raped.
GIRL: (Crying) I WAS RAPED! IN THE CLOSET! TODAY!
(The girl runs into the theatre room, crying)
(Ryan and Jacob get up and run after her. Cut to downstairs. Ethan and Kimberly are on the couch in a blanket and drinking hot coca and watching Patrick White deliver the news)
PATRICK WHITE: Snowstorm Nemo is roaring through the northeast, causing Governors Cuomo, Christie, Chaffee and Patrick of New York, New Jersey, Rhode Island and Massachusetts respectively, to declare states of emergency. Governor Malloy of Connecticut has instituted a driving ban until further notice and Governor Patrick of Massachusetts has instituted a driving ban as well. Governor Christie of New Jersey has already insulted the intelligence of his state’s citizens by calling people who want to drive in the snowy conditions “dumbshit half-wits with assholes for brains”. Meanwhile, Governor Shumlin has stated that when it comes to road conditions in Vermont that have caused numerous accidents, you, quote, (Vermont accent) “Can’t get there from here”. (Regular voice) In other news, Taylor Swift is now dating Macklemore AND Ryan Lewis.
ETHAN: Well, at least Vermont is getting it easy.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, but there are massive power outages in Rhode Island where Madeline goes to school, I should call her.
ETHAN: You should, you should also call your relatives in Boston.
(Kimberly takes out her phone and presses three to call Madeline. Cut to Madeline curled up with Oliver on the couch in a blanket, clearly very cold. Britney and Adam are on the other couch, curled up and freezing in their cold, dark room. Kyle is also there, in a chair by himself, freezing without a blanket. Britney is nine months pregnant. Madeline’s phone rings and she answers)
KIMBERLY: (On the phone) Maddie, I heard about the power outages in Rhode Island, are you okay?
MADELINE: Um, not really, we’re kind of freezing.
KIMBERLY: Jesus, really? Your power’s out?
MADELINE: Yeah, majorly. What’s worse is that Britney and Adam are over, we were planning on having a snowstorm party, but we didn’t anticipate the power outages.
KIMBERLY: Why are people having snowstorm parties?! Jacob, Ryan and Jacob’s friends are having one too.
MADELINE: Tongue-in-cheek y’all!
KIMBERLY: December 21st doomsday parties were tongue-in-cheek, but this snowstorm actually happened.
MADELINE: Well call the Warwick power companies and tell them to leave the lights on for us!
KIMBERLY: We both know that doesn’t do anything. They give you an ETA of 125 hours and then it takes them a month to replace the dead, snow-covered gerbil on the wheel with an alive one.
MADELINE: Well, I’m sure it’ll come back on soon. God willing.
KIMBERLY: Alright, well, just know that your father and I are thinking about you and if you’re in a lot of trouble, don’t hesitate to call.
MADELINE: I won’t. Love you, mom.
KIMBERLY: Love you too. (Kimberly hangs up) She has no power there.
ETHAN: Shit. Call Boston.
(She dials a number. Cut to Kaley, Craig, Cullen, Elton and Jackson huddled together in their dark, cold living room with a blanket. A cross with Jesus on it is in on the coffee table and there are numerous candles surrounding it)
WHITELOCK FAMILY: (In unison) Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I shall die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen.
(Kaley’s phone rings and she answers)
KIMBERLY: (On the phone) Hey, it’s Kim. How are you guys holding up, we heard about the power outages in Boston.
KALEY: We’re holding up well. Pope Benedict XVI ordered that we keep emergency supplies like bottled holy water, white papal smoke for light and canned potatoes.
KIMBERLY: That’s-those are important.
JACKSON: Kimberly, is preparation for a snowstorm just if the snowstorm can’t hear itself fall in the woods-
KALEY: She can’t hear you, Jackson. Sorry, Jackson is talking about his philosophical stuff again.
KIMBERLY: Okay, well, stay safe up there, call me if you feel the need.
KALEY: God Bless you, Kimberly.
(Kimberly hangs up. Cut back to Kimberly and Ethan)
ETHAN: How are they?
KIMBERLY: Their power is out too.
ETHAN: Thank God we still have ours. And thank God we’re not snowed in because I need to film my tourism video.
KIMBERLY: Really? You’re going to do that today?
ETHAN: Yeah, it’s due right before Valentine’s, I have no time for dillies or dallies. Will you help me?
KIMBERLY: It’s fifteen degrees outside!
ETHAN: Fine! I’ll get Rob to film it for me.
(Rob comes in wearing a tank top and shorts)
ROB: I’m ready for anything that comes my way! Hurricanes, droughts, heat waves, tornadoes, even sandstorms!
ETHAN: What about snowstorms?
ROB: DAMNIT! My one weakness.
(Ethan gets up)
ETHAN: Rob, can you help me film the Hansbay tourism video?
ROB: Sure, let’s go.
ETHAN: Put on something warmer!
ROB: Oh my God, fine.
(Rob walks out of the room. Cut to Rob holding a camera pointed at Ethan, who is standing on the snow-covered street on which he lives)
ETHAN: Okay, I’m gonna give it a try. Are you recording?
ETHAN: Okay. Hi, I’m Ethan Donahue, chief of staff to Mayor Brian Sarandon of Hansbay, Vermont-
ROB: Co-Chief of Staff.
ETHAN: Could you-okay, let’s try that again. Are you recording?
ETHAN: Okay. I’m Ethan-sorry, let me do that again. Are you recording?
ROB: Oh my God, stop asking me, yes, I’m recording.
ETHAN: Okay, cool. This is Ethan Donahue, Co-Chief of Staff to Mayor Brian Sarandon of Hansbay, Vermont. I’m standing here in the beautiful winter wonderland that is Hansbay, Vermont during this time of year. Hansbay has plenty to offer during the winter months for leisure, sport, lingerie, frozen water, endurance icicle fights and come 2024, possibly, probably not though, almost definitely not, the Summer Olympics. Oh my God, I can’t say that on camera.
ROB: I just realized that I haven’t been recording this entire time.
ETHAN: Jesus Christ, really?
ROB: Yeah, sorry, I thought the black screen meant recording.
ETHAN: Wait, you see a black screen?
ETHAN: Okay, so it’s not on.
ROB: Oh, is that what the black screen means?
ETHAN: WHAT ELSE COULD IT MEAN?
ROB: I could just go back inside, you know.
ETHAN: Okay, okay, sorry, just turn the camera on, please.
(Rob turns the camera on)
ROB: It’s on.
ETHAN: Yeah, I see the light; now press the red button that says “record”.
ROB: Okay. (He presses record) We’re live.
ETHAN: Great. Hey there bloods, we live here in Hansbay, what up-
ETHAN: So sorry for trying to lure some of the blacks into this white-ass state!
ROB: Let’s stick with the white version, we’ll film the black version later, wow, I feel racist saying that.
ETHAN: Alright, are you recording?
ETHAN: Hi, I’m Ethan Donahue, Co-Chief of Staff to Mayor Brian Sarandon of Hansbay, Vermont. And let me tell you, Hansbay is a strong city, making a name for itself in the outskirts of Burlington. We have plenty to offer in terms of sport, leisure, lingerie and laxin’ ladies by Lake Champlain! Can I get a what-what?
ROB: Jesus Christ.
(Cut to Ethan standing by a bush with berries on it in his backyard. Rob is filming)
ETHAN: Here in Hansbay we have wonderful natural resources! Like these berries! (Ethan takes a berry and throws it over his shoulder) Okay, I’m not really going to eat the berries but we’re going to make it look like I am.
ROB: Nobody’s going to blame you for noteating the poison berries.
ETHAN: They’re not poison, they’re just gross.
ROB: I don’t think we should include this seemingly innocuous bush in this clip, it just seems kind of irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, it’s a bush. Also, you eating or pretending to eat poison berries on camera is bizarre.
ETHAN: Am I directing or are you? Keep taping. (Ethan takes a berry and throws it past the mouth part of his profile to make it look as if he’s eating them. He does this a couple more times and then pretends to chew. Once he fake swallows, he smiles) Those are good-ass berries! Okay, cut.
ROB: You can curse in this?
ETHAN: We’re trying to attract adults, aren’t we? Fine, we’ll film a kid-friendly version, Copernicus.
ETHAN: Are you recording?
(Cut to Ryan, Preston, Beckett, Roger and Brandon lined up side by side while Jacob stands in front of them in the game room)
JACOB: Alright, you five. All of you are suspects in this poor girl’s sexual assault. That girl’s in there cryin’ her eyes out because one of you forcibly fingered her.
RYAN: How do you know it was a fingering?
JACOB: Because she told me when I went in there. Okay? And I’m not letting anyone leave until I find out who did it, of you five.
RYAN: Jacob, we should have the police conduct an investigation, or why don’t we just ask her?
JACOB: She refused to tell me. I couldn’t coax it out of her. Apparently she was scared. So now I have to head up this investigation.
RYAN: Why not the police?
JACOB: She won’t tell me, she won’t tell the police and the police will file a report and move on with their lives. Most rapes go unreported and unprosecuted. So that’s why NOBODY leaves until I have answers.
RYAN: Okay, well you know I didn’t do it.
JACOB: How do I know that?
RYAN: I’m your brother! I would never do something like that!
JACOB: Fair point.
BECKETT: Yeah, that’s special treatment just because he’s your brother! Why is he such a pinnacle of morality? He extorted money from people at homecoming!
RYAN: Why do people always have to bring that up?!
JACOB: It’s pretty fucked up, Ryan.
RYAN: Yeah, but it’s like, ancient history.
JACOB: It was four months ago!
RYAN: Three and a half, more like.
JACOB: So, more recently than I thought.
ROGER: Man, I bet it was Ryan!
RYAN: Are you kidding me?
ROGER: Naw, mang, he can’t get finger candy any other way!
RYAN: I have a girlfriend and we’ve been dating for four months!
ROGER: Listen to ‘im, mang, he’s been raping his girlfriend for four months!
RYAN: Fuck off, spic!
JACOB: WHOA! Shit, calm down.
(Roger gets in his face)
ROGER: THE FUCK YOU CALL ME?!
(Jacob breaks the two up)
JACOB: CALM DOWN! Okay?! I doubt it was Ryan, what about Preston? He’s an asshole; he threw a bowling ball at a crowd of people five months ago.
BECKETT: We all saw you do it!
PRESTON: My court date hasn’t been set for those criminal negligence charges though, so…
JACOB: Alright, we need to make this organized. We’ll treat it like Clue! Instead of Professor Green, we have Professor Nehring for Brandon. For Preston, we have Colonel Spicy Mustard. (Preston looks confused) Because you’re Hispanic. (He nods as if he gets it)Ryan’s Mr. Peacock, or, Mr. Likescock.
RYAN: Come on.
JACOB: Then we have Reverend Beckett and Miss Roger Kony.
ROGER: Why am I a chick?
PRESTON: Also, why aren’t you a suspect?
JACOB: I asked her who it was and she didn’t tell me, why would I ask her if I was the one who raped her?
PRESTON: Maybe you knew she was fingered because you fingered her and you’re just doing this to save face!
(Everyone gasps except for Ryan, Preston and Jacob)
RYAN: Guys, Jacob did not do it.
JACOB: Yeah, as my friends, you guys should know I would never do something so horribly depraved as to deprive a sixteen-year old chick of her innocence and force something onto her beyond her will, I think people like that are the lowest form of human beings on Earth, equitable to cockroaches.
RYAN: I think they’re even worse than cockroaches!
JACOB: Wow, way to one-up me.
RYAN: Sorry. But you know, we were talking earlier about how Roger’s dick “don’t discriminate” as long as a chick is hot and we were talking about 70s sitcom stars beating deaf chicks, so…maybe we’re not THAT beyond treating women like objects.
JACOB: …That’s ridiculous. One of us is just a cockroach.
BECKETT: So you’re saying one of us is a cockroach?
JACOB: Yeah, that’s what I just said, which is why I think it’s Preston, because he’s an awful person.
RYAN: Let’s organize this. No bias, no bull, no problems, no clichés.
JACOB: Already broke that rule.
RYAN: Let’s go into the interrogation room. Which also happens to be my room.
PRESTON: HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE!
RYAN: Dude, that’s where I jerk off, do drugs, cry and cut myself, it’s definitely not a tranquil area for me.
PRESTON: …Point well made. Let’s go!
(They all walk into Ryan’s room. Cut to Madeline, Britney, Oliver and Kyle bundled up in Madeline’s dark, cold apartment)
MADELINE: So, I’m taking some art classes along with my interior decorating, but I’ve been kind of into hypnosis recently.
OLIVER: She’s tried to put me into it a few times, actually. But I just keep my eyes open, I don’t even blink and I just stare at her. That way she can’t control my mind.
MADELINE: Hypnosis isn’t mind control; you have to go into it willingly.
OLIVER: Okay, sure.
KYLE: What’s your art class like?
MADELINE: It’s fuckin’ stupid, I don’t even know why I’m in it. There’s this picture on the wall in there that I don’t get, so I had to take it just to get your guys’ opinions. (She takes out a board with multiple sepia tone pictures of an old black, blind man laughing and smiling in a picture studio) What the fuck is he laughing about?! (Oliver, Kyle and Britney laugh) That he’s blind?!
OLIVER: He’s laughing about sepia tone.
(They all laugh)
KYLE: That’s awesome.
(She puts the picture away)
MADELINE: Anyway, I just don’t know what I’m doing, I feel like I should change my major.
OLIVER: To hypnosis?
MADELINE: Just, to something else! I feel like I went into interior decorating half-heartedly. Fuck, if Martha Stewart’s any indication, I’ll go to jail for it.
KYLE: She went to jail for insider trading.
MADELINE: Of what? Sea shells on washer knobs?
KYLE: Nonpublic information.
BRITNEY: You know, the other day I was-OHHHH!!!! FUCK!
BRITNEY: Oh, shit, that one was bad.
ADAM: You’re having birth panks?
BRITNEY: The fuck are birth Pa-OOOH, FUCK!
(Britney’s water breaks)
ADAM: Oh my God.
BRITNEY: AM I GOING INTO LABOR?!
KYLE: Unless your vagina can manipulate a water gun, yeah, you’re going into labor.
(Everyone stands up besides Adam and Britney)
MADELINE: What should we do!? I feel like we should do something!
BRITNEY: TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL!
OLIVER: All the roads are frozen over, Britney.
ADAM: They must still have ambulance services!
(Everyone looks at Kyle)
KYLE: The fuck are you looking at me for?
MADELINE: Isn’t your dad an ambulance chaser?
KYLE: Do you know what that term means?!
ADAM: JUST GET HER SOME WATER!
(Kyle holds up a bottle of red liquid)
KYLE: All I have is bottled blood of Christian babies.
MADELINE: I’ll get her a water bottle.
(Madeline runs over and grabs a water bottle and comes back and hands it to Adam who pours it into Britney’s mouth as she lays on the couch)
KYLE: Should I call an ambulance?
BRITNEY: I DON’T WANT AN AMBULANCE!
ADAM: WHAT? WHY?
BRITNEY: THEY COULD CRASH AND MY BABY COULD DIE!
ADAM: You’re not thinking rationally, call an amberlamps.
KYLE: Don’t say it like that and I’ll do it.
ADAM: CALL AN AMBULANCE!
BRITNEY: THE ROADS ARE ICY, THE AMBULANCE COULD SLIP AND SLIDE DOWN THE ROAD AND CRASH INTO AN ICY CAVE FULL OF BABY-EATING BATS!
KYLE: Since when are there caves in Warwick?!
ADAM: She’s not going to listen to logic, she’s in labor.
OLIVER: We need someone to deliver the baby!
MADELINE: I think there’s a doctor who lives upstairs!
OLIVER: Perfect, go get him!
(Madeline grabs her coat, puts it on and heads out the door. Cut to Madeline knocking on apartment 7A. A middle-aged man opens up)
DOCTOR: Can I help you?
MADELINE: Aren’t you a doctor?
DOCTOR: Who’s asking?
(Madeline looks around)
MADELINE: I’m-I’m asking!
DOCTOR: What do you need?
MADELINE: My friend’s having a baby downstairs and she’s too afraid to go out on the icy roads and she needs someone to deliver it.
DOCTOR: Delivering a baby?
MADELINE: Yeah, can you do it please?
DOCTOR: Well…I haven’t delivered a baby since the war.
MADELINE: The war?
DOCTOR: Yeah. (The camera pans up to the Doctor’s head as helicopter noises, babies crying, bullet sounds and yelling are heard and footage of warfare from WWII, Vietnam, Korea, Iraq and Afghanistan is shown bleeding through the shot, as well as footage of babies being born)
DISEMBODIED VOICE: The engine’s going out, the placenta is everywhere! We need to make an emergency landing! What do we do, Doctor? You have to decide! You have to decide! (This continually repeats as footage of the Mushroom cloud from the “Daisy” commercial of the 1964 Johnson-Goldwater campaign is shown bleeding through the shot as thoughts and memories continue to swirl around his head)
MILITARY COMMANDER: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one-go!
(A nuclear mushroom cloud is shown in the iris of a little girl in a field)
ANNOUNCER: These are the stakes. To make a world where all of God’s children can live. We must either love each other or we must die.
(It cuts to a black screen showing “VOTE FOR PRESIDENT JOHNSON ON NOVEMBER 3”)
ANNOUNCER: Vote for President Johnson on November 3. The stakes are too high for you to stay home.
(As sounds of gunfire, babies crying and helicopter noises continue to play, footage is shown of monkeys washing plates in sinks, people square dancing and Mean Joe Green throwing his jersey to that kid in the famous 1979 commercial. Eventually, the doctor snaps out of his flashback and the camera returns to a normal level and he looks at Madeline)
MADELINE: What the hell is going on right now?
DOCTOR: Sorry, I was just having a Vietnam flashback to the last time I delivered a baby, back during Grenada.
MADELINE: Oh, well, you won’t have post-traumatic stress if you deliver my friend’s baby, right?
DOCTOR: Oh, no, I mean, it was during Grenada, but it wasn’t in Grenada, I did it in Providence.
MADELINE: Oh my God, then why are you being so introspective?
DOCTOR: I don’t know, I haven’t delivered a baby in nearly thirty years.
MADELINE: It’s like riding a bike, right? Just with more afterbirth?
DOCTOR: I guess. Okay, I’ll deliver your friend’s baby.
MADELINE: Thank you so much, come with me. (The Doctor walks with Madeline downstairs to the second floor and they both go into Madeline’s apartment) I snagged you a Doctor, Britney!
BRITNEY: I DON’T NEED A HUSBAND, I NEED A DOCTOR!
MADELINE: He’s a doctor!
DOCTOR: Maybe a potential husband.
ADAM: Dude, she’s my girlfriend!
DOCTOR: Sorry. Anyway, what can I do for you?
BRITNEY: Doctor, please deliver my baby!
DOCTOR: Sure, let me give you an epidural.
(He pulls an epidural out of his pocket and hands it to Britney, who takes it)
BRITNEY: Thank you!
OLIVER: You just carry an epidural with you all the time?
DOCTOR: Sometimes I get headaches. Anyway, (The doctor goes over to Britney and kneels down where her vagina is) I’m going to need you to spread your legs. (She spreads her legs) How old are you, ma’am?
BRITNEY: Almost twenty!
DOCTOR: Okay, so nineteen.
BRITNEY: Almost twenty.
DOCTOR: Okay, well my name is Doctor Jason Welch. It’s important for you to keep in touch with me. Your cervix is effacing and dilating like the eyes of Ritalin-addicted tween. Eventually, your cervix will dilate quicker than Husain Bolt’s cheetah and the contractions will occur closer together, like…MTV.
DOCTOR WELCH: Just trust me. I just need you to push.
BRITNEY: Alright. ERRGGGGHHHHHH! (Her countenance becomes florid and flustered) ERRGGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!! JEARARARAARARRARB!
DOCTOR WELCH: GET ME HOT TOWELS TO PUT UNDER HER!
KYLE: You don’t have to yell.
(Cut to Ethan in front of Lake Champlain with Rob filming him. He is on one knee)
ETHAN: Located right near scenic Lake Champlain, Hansbay is a lake-adjacent place. So that’s pretty fly.
ROB: Maybe make that a little more eloquent and convincing and definitely don’t use the word “fly”.
ETHAN: I keep forgetting we’re doing the white version.
ROB: No black guy in 33 years has said the word “fly” like that. Now go.
ETHAN: Okay. Located right near scenic Lake Champlain, Hansbay is a lake-uh, it has-it’s near a lake-
ROB: Why do you keep going? It’s already ruined!
ETHAN: Shit, I should’ve wrote a script or something.
ETHAN: You know what, this is stupid. (Ethan stands up) People don’t come to Hansbay or anywhere for that matter for reasons of aesthetic naturalism, no, they come here for some other reason.
ROB: What is that reason?
ETHAN: Um…I’m not sure. Shit. Let’s go do some market research.
(Cut to Ethan and Rob walking along the city street of Hansbay, all bundled up as snow surrounds them)
ETHAN: I think people come to Hansbay to start over…maybe they’ve had hardship or heartbreak…maybe they are trying to rise heroically like a Phoenix from the ashes and they need a fresh start.
ROB: That’s certainly why I moved here.
(Ethan and Rob walk up to a boyfriend and girlfriend talking while a large black man is sitting in a car at the side of the street. The girlfriend slaps the boyfriend and gets in the car and the black man drives off with the girl)
BOYFRIEND: (Squeaky voice) Whatever, maan! Forget you! Does anybody know where I could find a burger joint around here? I’m hungraay…
ETHAN: Rob, did you see that?!
ROB; Yeah, that guy got over his girlfriend breaking up with him pretty quickly. And asked the street where a burger joint is.
ETHAN: Yeah, immediately after enduring that hardship he asked where a burger joint is! That’s why people go places in 21st Century America, food!
ROB: I don’t know about that.
ETHAN: Have you ever watched the Travel channel? It’s all about greasy fat guys visiting other greasy fat guys who have founded greasy fat restaurants all over this greasy fat nation.
ROB: That’s true.
ETHAN: We need to find that burger joint for that young squeaky-voiced young man.
ROB; Because he’s “hungr-ay”.
ETHAN: Yes. (Rob and Ethan walk over to the young man) Young man, you were asking…somebody where a burger joint was?
BOYFRIEND: Yeah, do you guys know where a burger joint is around here?
ETHAN: Well, Bernie’s Grinders has great subs and also burgers.
BOYFRIEND: Great. I’m excited.
ROB: Mind if we come with you? We work for the Mayor’s Tourism Task Force.
ETHAN: I am a member of said task force, Rob is just helping.
BOYFRIEND: Sure, you guys seem cool.
ROB: Well, I don’t mean to blow my own dick, but I do have a multi-purpose wrench, that in certain situations, could be used as a knife. (Rob takes out a multi-purpose wrench) Pretty impressive, huh?
ETHAN: Shut the fuck up. What’s your name, young man?
BOYFRIEND: I’m Bennie Lofgren.
ETHAN: Nice to meet you, Bennie.
(Ethan shakes hands with Bennie, as does Rob. Cut to them sitting at a booth in Bernie’s Grinders)
ROB: So, sorry to hear about your girlfriend.
ETHAN: Wasn’t that your girlfriend who jumped in that car with that big black dude?
BENNIE: Oh yeah. Forget her!
ROB: (Half-heartedly) Yeah!
BENNIE: She’s a harlot!
(The waiter comes over)
WAITER: What can I get you guys?
ETHAN: Actually, I’m from the Hansbay Tourism Task Force, do you mind if I film in your kitchen to promote you guys?
WAITER: Not at all.
ETHAN: Great, thanks. But first, Bennie, what do you like most about this place?
ETHAN: …Jesus Christ, okay. Let’s go to the kitchen.
(Rob gets his camera equipment and they both get up and walk into the kitchen. Cut to Jacob standing in Ryan’s room with Ryan, Beckett, Preston, Brandon and Roger sitting on the bed. Jacob is standing in front of them while holding a corn cob pipe and wearing an ascott)
JACOB: Ladies and gentleman, a serious crime occurred on this, Saturday, February 9, in the year of our Lord, 2013.
RYAN: If it’s so serious, why are you wearing an ascott and smoking a bubble pipe?
JACOB: This is not a bubble pipe. It’s peyote. Anyway, one of you committed this heinous act.
PRESTON: Or you, Jacob.
JACOB: Right. Anyway, let’s go back to the scene of the crime. (Cut to them gathered near an open closet door in the hallway) This is where the assault allegedly took place. So now, who was in the closet during the time period in question and don’t make a gay joke out of that?
ROGER: I remember Brandon brought her over here.
BRANDON: She tagged along with me; we met at a band meet. Her name is Ileana.
JACOB: Give us the back story, we need to establish a back story, let’s retrace our steps like we’re trying to find a wallet….full of rape.
BRANDON: Fine. We met at a band meet.
(Cut to a black and white flashback to band meet. Brandon is dressed in a tuxedo, playing a saxophone while girls ogle him)
GIRL: He’s so sweet and handsome!
GIRL 2: His breath smells like a firmly pressed tuzedo!
(He stops playing)
BRANDON: That’s just the tuxedo, babe.
(He smiles and a “ding” noise accompanies a shine on his teeth)
RYAN: (Voiceover) Okay, tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you M. Shadows, alright?
BRANDON: (Voiceover) I’ll try. Anyway, once the girls were done ogling, (the girls walk away) a young sixteen-year old girl walked up to me with sad eyes. (Ileana walks up to him with puppy dog eyes and is wearing a propeller cap and holding an oversized lollipop. Brandon takes off his sunglasses) What’s wrong, poor girl?
ILEANA: I’m from Addison High and (sniff) the band bus left without me. Now I’m allllll alooooooooooooooo…ooooo….ne.
BRANDON: Well, you can come with me, I’m about to go to a snowstorm shindig and you can my beautiful bride.
RYAN: (Voiceover) Why would you make yourself seem creepy in your own account of events?
BRANDON: (VO) Stop interrupting, this is not a DVD commentary! Anyway, so this part is really the crux of the whole piece, it really puts everything out there for the audience.
ILEANA: I’ll come! I like parties.
BRANDON: Cool. I’m sure they’ll like you, come along.
(Ileana and Brandon walk off screen together. Cut back to the present)
JACOB: So then you came here?
ROGER: Who went into the closet with that chick first? I remember we took turns.
RYAN: Then it was probably the last person to be in there with her. But who was that?
JACOB: And if she didn’t want to have sex, why did we go in the closet with her?
PRESTON: Maybe we ALL raped her.
(Dramatic music plays)
RYAN: I think we would’ve remembered that.
(Dramatic music plays)
JACOB: Plus, Ryan and I have girlfriends so we didn’t have closet time. So who’s lying? Why did you guys go in the closet with her?
(Black and white flashback sequence. It shows the front door of the Donahue household from the inside. The doorbell rings and Ryan opens the door to reveal Brandon and Ileana. Brandon is wearing cackies, a tucked-in, short-sleeved plaid shirt, a bowtie and nerd glasses)
BRANDON: (Squeaky voice) Hey Ryan! (He sucks mucus for a few seconds)Sorry. Anyway, this chick decided to come with me for some reason. She’s pretty hot.
BRANDON: (VO) Everybody knows I wasn’t wearing those clothes, they can see me!
RYAN: (VO) That’s not fair.
BRANDON: (VO) Yeah, it isn’t!
RYAN: (VO) No, I mean, YOUR being unfair.
(Brandon sucks on mucus more)
BRANDON: I’m not even sick.
RYAN: You’re gross. Come in.
(Brandon and Ileana come in. Cut to Jacob, Roger, Ryan, Brandon, Beckett, Ileana and Preston sitting in the game room)
JACOB: So you’re hot, but I think I’d rather smoke weeeeeeeed, erryday y’all! I’d fuck weed if weed had a vagina. Weed.
ROGER: Hey mang, I’m so attracted to you mang, bueno quesadilla taco burrito…cheeseburger.
ROGER: (VO) Yo, that’s offensive and incorrect.
ILEANA: I’m feeling a little vulnerable today…do you guys want to make closet time with me?
RYAN: I don’t know, you’re a little young. You’re sixteen, they’re eighteen. Not technically illegal, just…ugh. Plus, I have a girlfriend.
JACOB: Yeah, I do too.
ROGER: More for us, mang.
PRESTON: I’m so aroused in my penis right now.
PRESTON: (VO) I don’t like this defamation. I’m calling Hispanics Against Defamation.
RYAN: (Very agitated and whiny, also VO) I’m PAINTING A PICTURE!
PRESTON: (VO) Fine, Jesus, calm down.
(Cut back to reality)
RYAN: From what I remember, the order was Preston, Roger, Brandon, then Beckett.
PRESTON: AHA! So it was Beckett! That’s why he’s been so quiet this whole time.
BECKETT: It was not me, what about Preston?
JACOB: He went first, she wouldn’t have been able to take more sexy time if she had been raped in the first round. Three fucks after a rape and you’re out.
BECKETT: I was the third after the rape!
PRESTON: C’mon, Beckett has problems with his father; he’s the perfect definition of a rapist.
RYAN: I feel like none of you are actually friends.
JACOB: Ryan, we talked about this nine and a half months ago and it’s bullshit.
RYAN: You’re accusing each other of rape on a dime!
PRESTON: I resent that, sir! I would never rape Franklin Delano Roosevelt, not in a million years!
RYAN: No, I don’t mean literally rape on a dime, I mean-
PRESTON: Although it would be easy. He couldn’t walk and you could just hold him up against a wall and go to town…(Everybody stares at him) I’m not a rapist.
JACOB: Let’s focus.
ROGER: Wait a minute. Shit nigga, I remember Jacob going into the bathroom a time or two!
JACOB: Your point?
ROGER: He took a while; maybe he slipped into the closet after everyone else had already gotten a little somethin’-somethin’ from Ileana.
JACOB: Dude, fuck you!
ROGER: I’m just asking questions! Someone get me a chalk board so I can make my point!
RYAN: Let’s tell our stories. Preston, go.
(Cut to a black and white flashback of Preston in the closet with Ileana)
PRESTON: So, may I have consensual sexual relations with you, Madame?
ILEANA: You may.
(Cut to Preston naked having very stoic vaginal sex with Ileana in the closet. Preston is smiling and holding a flag reading “consensual!”. Cut back to reality)
JACOB: Didn’t need that mental image. Brandon?
(Cut to a black and white scene of Brandon, with his previous nerdy clothes on, talking with Ileana in the cabin)
BRANDON: (He sucks on mucus) Would you be my sex princess?
ILEANA: Jesus Christ, no.
(Cut back to reality)
BRANDON: DAMNIT! Now I’m doing it! But still, that rules me out.
RYAN: Yeah, Brandon would never get laid.
JACOB: No one’s ruled out except meuntil the fat lady sings except me! Okay? Roger?
(Cut to Roger smoking a cigarette outside of a church)
ROGER: Hm, this legal cigarette full of tobacco is really good. I should throw this on the ground.
(Roger throws the cigarette on the ground and a cop walks over)
COP: Is that a weed?
ROGER: No, Mister Officer! That was a cigarette!
JACOB: (VO) Roger, you’re confusing stories!
(The imaginary Roger takes out a spoon full of heroin and a lighter and then it cuts back to reality)
ROGER: Oh yeah. Anyway, I went in there and I banged her. With my dick. In her ass.
JACOB: Great. Beckett?
BECKETT: I went in there and she didn’t want to bang with me. She seemed…so sad.
PRESTON: This guy’s a liar!
RYAN: Everybody shut it! Let’s do some dusting.
(Cut to Ryan dusting inside the closet while everybody looks on)
JACOB: Any evidence?
RYAN: No, I was just dusting. I thought this closet needed dusting.
BECKETT: Look for evidence!
RYAN: Fine. (Ryan looks through the closet) Okay, there’s a lot of cum here. (They all groan in disgust) You guys are disgusted? Because all of it is either Preston or Roger’s cum, if not also possibly Brandon and Beckett’s.
ROGER: Yeah, but the thought of my cum fraternizing with Preston’s cum, it’s like…ugh!
JACOB: It’s still on my carpet!
(Cut to Britney in labor. Madeline, Oliver, Kyle and Adam are standing nearby while Doctor Welch is looking into Britney’s vagina)
BRITNEY: AUGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! IT’S HOT AS HELL IN HERE!
KYLE: Britney, it’s fifty degrees in here.
BRITNEY: IT FEELS LIKE I’M GIVING BIRTH TO SATAN!
ADAM: I’m lovin’ the baby name ideas.
OLIVER: How about this one: Typical.
BRITNEY: SHUT UP!
DOCTOR WELCH: This area is very cold, I’m going to need blankets to wrap the child in and then I’m going to need to press the child against Britney’s bosom to keep the child warm.
(Cut to Adam resting his head on Britney’s bosom)
(Britney pushes Adam’s head off of her)
BRITNEY: YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU SON OF A BITCH! THAT BUSINESS CARD NEVER WOULD’VE WORKED!
DOCTOR WELCH: You used a business card as a condom?
ADAM: You picked up on that fast.
OLIVER: Can I help you?
MADELINE: Do you think this is a WAL-MART? A human being is cascading down her vagina slide.
OLIVER: I’m trying!
MADELINE: You’re not doing anything!
OLIVER: Britney, could I get you like a juice? Or something?
BRITNEY: A FUCKIN’ JUICE?!
OLIVER: Or a Sprite!
DOCTOR WELCH: Just shut up you two, the miracle of birth is about to happen. Push, sweetheart.
BRITNEY: AURHGHEHEHEHGHEHEEE! RIIIIIIIICOLLAAAAAAAA!
OLIVER: Did she, uh…?
KYLE: I don’t mean to be rude, but how long is this going to be? It’s been like eight hours.
MADELINE: What do you have to do? It’s snowy as all hell outside and you live in Newport.
KYLE: You think I don’t have shit to do?
MADELINE: Two weeks ago you were obsessing over a guy fishing every morning, so yeah I don’t think you do.
DOCTOR WELCH: PUSH! PUSH! (She keeps pushing) THE BABY’S BLACK!
DOCTOR WELCH: Sorry, I mean to say the baby’s backwards!
ADAM: How did you make that mistake?!
DOCTOR WELCH: This is a common side effect of the epidural.
BRITNEY: MY BACK FUCKING KILLS!
DOCTOR WELCH: Yeah, the baby is putting pressure on your spine, I don’t think this baby is coming out the right way, we’re going to need a caesarian section.
BRITNEY: I DON’T WANT A CAESARIAN SALAD; JUST GET THIS FUCKER OUT OF ME!!!
ADAM: Wait, we need to LEAVE?!
DOCTOR WELCH: Yes, she has to go to a hospital! Call an ambulance!
BRITNEY: NO! THE AMBULANCE WILL DE BLOWN UP BY ONE OF OBAMA’S DRONES!!!!!
ADAM: Okay, now you’re not even using the ice and snow as an excuse to be crazy, (Adam gets close to Britney) listen Britney, this baby is not going to get out of you unless we go to the hospital. You need surgery. What do you suggest as the alternative? Tweezers? Salad tongs? Roman candles?
BRITNEY: I-(Britney looks at Adam for a second in confusion) I guess you’re right. But if we get in an accident because of the ice, it’s YOUR fault.
ADAM: Wow, that’s so unfair, but I’m not going to argue with you right now, let’s get her into a car, mind if we take your car, Kyle? Thanks.
KYLE: Yes, I mind!
(Cut to Adam and Britney. Keys are thrown to Adam)
ADAM: Thanks, Kyle!
KYLE: I didn’t throw those, where did those come from?
(Britney and Adam leave the apartment, as does Doctor Welch)
MADELINE: Good luck you guys!
OLIVER: They’ll be great.
(Cut to Ethan standing in front of chefs making sandwiches in the kitchen while Rob films him. Ethan is holding a bottle of gel and trying to spike up his hair, to little avail. He’s also speaking with a chef)
ETHAN: We’re here at Bernie’s Grinders, one of the premier sandwich places here in Hansbay, brother, tell me how you make your kick-awesome burgers and subs?
CHEF: We make primarily subs, but we do make a mean burger-
ETHAN: Mean burger, lean burger, I’m keen on burgers, that’s a tear-jerker, that’s cool bro, what about your subs?
CHEF: Well, we use high quality bread-can you stop trying to spike your hair, it’s not gonna work.
ETHAN: I have to power through. So brother, how does bread work?
(Evan comes in with a camera man. Evan is dressed up like Guy Fieri)
ETHAN: The fuck are you doing here, Evan?
EVAN: …Donkey sauce?
ETHAN: This is my territory, don’t horn in on my territory.
EVAN: I don’t see your name on it.
ETHAN: Yeah, it’s BERNIE’s Grinders, not Evan and his Puerto Rican camera man’s grinders.
CAMERA MAN: I’m a white Canadian.
EVAN: How about I won’t horn up on your territory if you don’t horn up on whores in the Cayman Islands?
ETHAN: HOW ABOUT YOUR WIFE DOESN’T HORN UP ON MAYOR SARANDON-Oh shit.
ETHAN: Uh…Bernie, bury me under your parking lot so one day, so in five-hundred years they can remove the skeletal foot from my skeletal ass.
(Evan tackles Ethan)
ROB: Jesus, there’s a lot of grease pans here, be careful!
(Cut to Beckett, Roger, Preston and Brandon gathered in the game room. Ryan and Jacob come out of the bedroom)
JACOB: We are ready to conclude our investigation. I’ll let my colleague Ryan Donahue announce what we’ve found.
RYAN: Thank you, Jacob. We have found damning evidence and we have concluded that the rapist is…(Ryan takes out an envelope and opens it as the camera cuts to each of the suspects and then back to Ryan) A complete and random stranger that jumped out of the bushes dick-first into Ileana.
JACOB: Yes. We decided no one here is capable of rape, so she must’ve gotten raped by some stranger, I mean, that’s usually how it happens on crime shows.
PRESTON: Well that settles it!
(Brandon grabs Preston’s finger and smells it and Preston pulls his finger away as Brandon has an “aha” face)
BRANDON: HIS FINGER SMELLS LIKE PUSSY!
(They all gasp and start smelling Preston’s finger, even Jacob and Ryan)
JACOB: My God, it smells like a fish’ vagina. Everybody else who had sex with her took up the V-hole or the anus-hole.
RYAN: Fish’ vagina is kind of redundant, but yeah, what the fuck, Preston?
PRESTON: (Smiling) You guys can’t prove anything. Luckily for me, rapes are one of the most underreported crimes in America. (Preston gets up as the rest look in shock. He turns around) Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to drive home and sleep well tonight. Thank you ladies and gents.
(Preston walks downstairs and presumably out the door)
RYAN: Are we going to stop him?
JACOB: Ugh, what’s the use? It’s her word against his, there’s no proof of anything. That fuckin’ asshole.
ROGER: Yeah, fuck him, we’re not going to hang out with him anymore.
BRANDON: That poor girl. Is she still in the theatre room?
RYAN: Yeah, let’s go console her.
(Ryan, Brandon, Roger, Jacob and Beckett walk into the theatre room and see Ileana crying in the front row. They go up to her)
JACOB: Ileana, how are you holding up?
(Ileana looks at him)
ILLEANA: How the FUCK do you think?!
(She continues crying. Cut to doctors pulling a baby out of Britney’s uterus as it cries profusely. Cut to Adam looking through the window, smiling widely. Cut to Britney in the waiting room, holding the baby with Adam close by. Madeline, Oliver and Kyle are sitting nearby and all of them are overjoyed)
ADAM: Little Kenneth Horn.
BRITNEY: Why not little Kenneth Roberts?
ADAM: Kenneth Roberts Horn?
BRITNEY: Now he sounds like a historian.
(They both smile and kiss)
MADELINE: I totally thought they’d be miserably stuck with each other.
ADAM: We can hear you.
MADELINE: Just trapped in an inescapably negative situation, waiting for the sweet release of death, but they do seem happy.
OLIVER: Yeah, they do. Too bad we didn’t meet at your brother’s apartment-warming party.
OLIVER: It was a joke, I-didn’t mean it that way.
KYLE: That’s kind of forward, Oliver.
OLIVER: Shut up Kyle, I didn’t-
MADELINE: I have to go to the bathroom.
(Madeline gets up and walks away)
KYLE: Going to the bathroom, she might already be pregnant, you should tell her that.
OLIVER: Fuck you- I mean, goo goo gaga? I don’t know.
(Oliver gets up and goes after her. Cut to February 13th. Ethan and Evan walk into work, each with bruises and scars on themselves, still healing. They look at each other with scorn as they each put disk drives onto Maria’s desk. They then crab walk out of the office, never leaving glances with each other. Cut to Ryan and Jacob waiting in a lobby of some sort)
JACOB: Are you sure you want to do this?
(Cut to a police woman at a receptionist’s desk, it turns out they’re at the Hansbay Police Department)
POLICE WOMAN: Ryan and Jacob Donahue?
JACOB: That’s us.
RYAN: I just think there’s a reason these crimes are underreported.
(Ryan and Jacob get up and are led by the female police office into a detective’s office. Through the window you can see Ryan and Jacob sit down as the detective draws the blinds. Fade to black)
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