The Donahues Episode 71

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Michelle sees Ryan as her mission again, Sarah becomes angry at Ryan when he doesn’t get her what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and Ethan and Kimberly go out on a Valentine’s Day Dinner but get some unexpected guests

Submitted: February 16, 2013

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Submitted: February 16, 2013






“Tale as old as time, tune as old as song, bitter sweet and strange, finding you can change, learning you were wrong, certain as the sun rising in the east. Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the beast”

  • Howard Ashman

(We start with Michelle sitting outside Hansbay High. She seems to be lost in thought. Cut to the night of Friday, February 8, 2013. Michelle and Delaware are at a party at Brennan’s house, talking. Michelle seems distracted)

DELAWARE: You know, I’ve read some of the manifesto of that cop killer in California, Christopher Dorner and you know, it wasn’t bad. He made some good points. I’m not approving of what he’s done, but…it was good read. Are you listening, Michelle?

MICHELLE: Yeah, I like Christopher Walken too.


(Cut to Ryan drinking a handle of Crown Royal with Brennan and Michael)

BRENNAN: Ryan, you might wanna go easy.

RYAN: (Slurred) You might want to go hard or go…hard!

(Ryan takes a tablet of something quickly)

MICHAEL: What was that?

RYAN: Nothing! It was an Advil! I have a headache!

BRENNAN: Are you sure it’s not something that could kill you?

RYAN: Definitely. I’m like 48% sure.

MICHAEL: That’s not very sure.

(Cut to Michelle looking at him drinking and doing drugs. Suddenly, through Michelle’s eyes, Ryan transforms into a kid playing with bunny rabbits on the floor while Brennan and Michael stand aside)

RYAN: Aw, these little bunny rabbits! You guys sick? You guys sick? Aw, you could use some tender lovin’, couldn’t ya?

MICHELLE’S INNER MONOLOGUE: I can fix him. I can fix him. I can fix him. He has good intentions.

DELAWARE: Michelle!

(Michelle snaps out of it and then looks back towards Delaware)

MICHELLE: What? Sorry.

DELAWARE: I kind of lost you there. Anyway, Mein Kampf deserves a fuckin’ blue bonnet award, not a fan of the author though.

(Cut back to Michelle sitting on the bench. Delaware comes up to her)



(Michelle jumps up)

DELAWARE: Ha! I got you!

MICHELLE: God, yeah, you got me.

DELAWARE: I always get you, girly.

MICHELLE: Please don’t be cutesy right now, it’ll make this that much harder.

DELAWARE: I’m that much more erect.

MICHELLE: You could’ve just said harder, but don’t be gross either.

DELAWARE: What’s the problem, Honey Bunches of Emo?

MICHELLE: I, uh…I have something to tell you.

DELAWARE: Shit, you’re pregnant, I want an abortion!

MICHELLE: Jesus Christ, no, that’s not my news and wow, you made that decision quickly, listen, I think we should break up.

DELAWARE: …What? Why?

MICHELLE: I don’t know, things have been contentious lately and I don’t like the fighting and the fact that you tell me things that I saw didn’t happen.

DELAWARE: I don’t do that.

MICHELLE: Yes you do.


MICHELLE: At the New Year’s Party, remember?

DELAWARE: What New Year’s Party? We met in January of 2013, this is mid-May.

MICHELLE: Wha-no it isn’t!

DELAWARE: Yes, Michelle, it is.

MICHELLE: Delaware, you’re not going to convince me it’s May 2013.

DELAWARE: Are you sure?

(Suddenly, Michelle is checking her iPad’s calendar)

MICHELLE: I could’ve sworn it was Ash Wednesday-FUCK! (Michelle puts away her iPad) See? You do this all the time!

DELAWARE: Michelle, I can change!

MICHELLE: No you can’t! I’m sorry, but…it’s over. You don’t respect me.

DELAWARE: Well, fuck. It’s the day before Valentine’s and you’re dumping me.

MICHELLE: I figured it would suck worse to be dumped after Valentine’s Day.

DELAWARE: I would prefer to be in a superficial relationship devoid of mutual respect on Valentine’s Day than not!

MICHELLE: That was honest, but still, it’s over. I’m sorry.

DELAWARE: Well have fun fucking Ryan.

MICHELLE: Delaware, he’s dating Sarah and trust me; even if he wasn’t dating Sarah I would not go back to Ryan. (Cut to Michelle on Facebook scrolling through Ryan’s pictures, most of which are Ryan and Sarah at Town Center, in Ryan’s room or making out in front of Michelle at Hot Topic) I’m so frustrated and angry. I guess those German College Students were right about Facebook.

(Cut to Ethan on the couch, reading his iPad. The headlines read “Dorner’s Cabin burns, Dorner either dead or flame retardant” and “President Obama delivers 2013 State of the Union, Says State of the Union is strong, provides no evidence”. Kimberly comes in with ash on her head)

ETHAN: Kimberly, did you start that fire in Dorner’s cabin in California?

KIMBERLY: Shut up, my sister is making me wear this for Ash Wednesday.

ETHAN: What if your sister lived in Louisiana, would she make you walk around topless for Mardi Gras?

KIMBERLY: I know, it’s dumb, but she’s pretty upset about Pope Benedict the sixteenth resigning.

ETHAN: Yes, that child molester-protecting old man in the frilly robes will be missed.

KIMBERLY: He’s the first Pope to resign in 600 years, Ethan, it’s a big deal. Usually Popes never resign; they hang on until the bitter end. Until they have fourteen tubes going into thirteen holes and they’re barely hanging on for dear life. But this Pope got bored!

ETHAN: How could not dismissing child molesting priests not be exciting?

KIMBERLY: I get it.

ETHAN: But, selecting a new Pope is going to be difficult without the mourning period that we’re used to.

KIMBERLY: (Sarcastically) Yeah, if only we had that mourning period! Darn! I want an old man’s death to mourn!

ETHAN: Just-that’s not what I meant.

KIMBERLY: Did you turn in your tourism video today, by the way?

ETHAN: Yes. But I’m scared shitless that Evan will confront Mayor Sarandon about Sarandon’s affair with Ellen Alexander.

KIMBERLY: It was a really dumb idea to tell him.

ETHAN: I know. I feel like Mayor Sarandon will either fire me or make me watch him and Ellen have sex.

KIMBERLY: That sounds like him. Anyway, what do you want to do for Valentine’s Day tomorrow?

ETHAN: I want to take you out on the date of your dreams.

KIMBERLY: (Smiles) Nice. Where are we going?

ETHAN: Schmageggi’s.

KIMBERLY: Hmm, that’s my favorite place.

ETHAN: It’s going to be great.

KIMBERLY: So, uh…how have you guys been to each other at work?

ETHAN: Um, it’s been awkward; we’ve been mostly avoiding eye contact and conversation. We didn’t even piss right next to each other in the bathroom.

KIMBERLY: Why would you have anyway?

ETHAN: The men’s bathroom at Mayor Sarandon’s office is just two urinals directly adjacent to each other, no stalls.


ETHAN: Anyway, Mayor Sarandon says he’ll make a decision on the videos by the fifteenth.

KIMBERLY: You mean the day that asteroid zips by Earth?

ETHAN: Yeah. If he doesn’t like it, maybe I’ll get lucky and it’ll just hit us.

(Kimberly chuckles. Cut to Sarah, Brandon, Chandler and Cassandra, along with everybody else in the GT AP English class. Ms. Pinicetti is at the head of the class)

MS. PINICETTI: So, I want you guys to read this poem that I wrote and give me your thoughts, it’s very good.

SARAH: In the poem it says “my students are smug sons of bitches who think they’re funny, but here’s the news: they ain’t”.

MS. PINICETTI: It’s a metaphor-everything’s a metaphor!

(Preston comes in with a bag full of arrows and a shirt reading “Cupid y’all”)

PRESTON: Greetings, everybody!

BRANDON: I thought you went to jail for rape.

PRESTON: Got released for lack of evidence, but the state of Vermont doesn’t seem to want to give up the case, that along with my gross negligence charge is pretty disconcerting, I’m fighting the legal battle, anyway, I’m here to provide Valentine’s Roses from secret admirers.

MS. PINICETTI: Okay, hurry up.

PRESTON: Taylor Cinnamon, two for you.

(Preston throws two roses to Taylor Cinnamon)

TAYLOR CINNAMON: You committed rape?

PRESTON: How do you know the rape wasn’t in self-defense?

TAYLOR CINNAMON: Because that’s not a thing.

PRESTON: Glen Coco, four for you, Glen Coco! (Preston throws four roses to Glen Coco) You go, Glen Coco! Cady Harry?

SARAH: Are you just quoting Mean Girls?

PRESTON: Yeah, but it is weird that there are actually people here named Taylor Cinnamon and Glen Coco. (Glen Coco holds up his roses) You go, Glen Coco! Anyway, none for Gretchen Weiner.


SARAH: What about me?

PRESTON: Um…nope, none for you, either, Sarah, sorry.

SARAH: …Really?

PRESTON: Yep. Okay, gotta fo-shizzle out of here, got a court appearance at 11:30.

MS. PINICETTI: That was an hour ago.


(Preston runs out of the room. Cut to Ryan, Blake and Zach, along with everybody else in Mr. Pannell’s class. Mr. Pannell is standing at the front of the class)

MR. PANNELL: Listen kids, the Vermont APHistory test is no picnic. It’s not even Supper. Most politicians and businessmen could not pass it. If you handed a Vermont AP English test to the owner of a Fortune 500 Company, he’d just snort cocaine off of it.

(Natasha comes in with a bag of arrows)

NATASHA: Cupid’s here! May I pass out the Valentine’s Roses?

MR. PANNELL: No you may not.


MR. PANNELL: I’m kiddin’. (He winks) Go ahead.

NATASHA: (Laughs) Thanks. First up, four for you Glen Coco! (Natasha throws four roses to the same Glen Coco that was in the other class) You go Glen Coco! And one for Ryan Donahue.

(Natasha hands a rose to Ryan that reads “From: Sarah Blumenthal, To: Ryan Donahue, I love you, my little wanton emo faggot! MEOW!”)

RYAN: OH FUCK. Mr. Pannell, could I use the restroom?

MR. PANNELL: Absolutely-(Ryan starts to get up) not. (He stops) Yes, go ahead (He starts) and don’t go to the bathroom (He stops) until right now. Go.

RYAN: Okay. (Ryan rushes out of the room. He rushes down to the bathroom where he sees Sarah waiting, furiously. He quickly stops) Hey, baby-child. What’s going on in GT AP English, eh? I’m too dumb for that shit. Heh.

SARAH: It’s Valentine’s Day, Ryan. And I don’t get a rose from you?

RYAN: I’m having a panic attack.

SARAH: You said that pretty serenely.

RYAN: Yeah, sorry. Um…Sarah!

SARAH: Why the fuck didn’t you get me a rose?!

RYAN: I thought you would’ve preferred a dead rose covered in fake blood.

SARAH: That would have been cool, why didn’t you just send me that?

RYAN: Goddamnit, I got myself in deeper. Um…

(Ryan rests his head on his shoulder and puts his teeth on his lip)

SARAH: Goddamnit, Ryan, you’re not going to make me laugh with the cute face-(giggles) Goddamnit! (Ryan makes a squeak noise and Sarah laughs more) God, watching an emo look happy is like watching a puppy do taxes. (Sarah regains her composure) No! You’re not getting out of this!

(Ryan goes back to normal)

RYAN: Fine, I’m sorry I forgot about the rose. But I have a big surprise for you later today.

SARAH: Really?

RYAN: Really.

SARAH: Well, it better be good.

RYAN: It will be.

SARAH: Will it be ready by our 7PM date?

RYAN: (Gulps) Yes.

(Ryan puts a pill in his mouth)

SARAH: What was that?

RYAN: It was a Xanax.


RYAN: Because I’m anxious that you, uh…won’t like the gift.

SARAH: Ryan, I’m sure I’ll love it.

RYAN: Yeah.

SARAH: See ya, emo kid.

(Sarah and Ryan hug. Sarah kisses Ryan and walks away. Chris Hayes walks over to Ryan)

CHRIS HAYES: Girl problems, huh? I’ve been there, man. I once eskimo-kissed Melissa Harris Perry’s hand and she thought I was using her as a tissue. Huh. Bitches, right?

RYAN: Bye, Chris Hayes.

(Ryan walks away)

CHRIS HAYES: See ya, dude! We should hang some time!

(Cut to earlier that day. Natasha is being filmed talking to Colleen and Trey Goodlatte for KDGM)

NATASHA: I’m from KDGM and let me ask you, why is being nice the best choice?

COLLEEN: Well, when people say that I’m mean, I just tell them that I’m honest.


COLLEEN: And now you’re punked.

NATASHA: Wha-what?

COLLEEN: You’re completely stunked.

NATASHA: I don’t know what you’re saying.

TREY: She’s trying to say “stumped” I think.

COLLEEN: Yeah, my logic is so good, you don’t even know how to respond to it.

NATASHA: Well, I actually can respond to it-

COLLEEN: Shut up, you’re already stumped.

TREY: Already stumped.

COLLEEN: I’m doing the community a service by being honest; I even tried to get it counted as community service hours, they said nooo.

(Michelle walks by)

MICHELLE: Whoa, is this KDGM?

NATASHA: Yeah, Mrs. Stem is making us interview people about a new school initiative designed to make kids nicer. Apparently the older generation thinks the younger generation is mean because we encourage suicidal people on 4Chan to FUCKIN’ do it, faggot.

(Ryan walks over)

RYAN: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been there.

MICHELLE: Wait, encouraging suicide or threatening suicide?

RYAN: The latter. And I said that I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been there, but I can. Exactly three.


COLLEEN: We’re gonna go, this is queer.

TREY: By the way, I got you these (takes out a box of chocolates) chocolates, but I’m going to need you to spot me the seven bones I plunked down on them.

COLLEEN: You’re such an asshole, Trey; you always make me pay for your presents to me.

TREY: I’ll pay you back, babe.

COLLEEN: Okay Trey…I trust you.

(They start making out)

MICHELLE: …I thought they were leaving.

RYAN: Yeah. Well I gotta get to work on my KDGM thing.

MICHELLE: What’s your KDGM thing?

(Alan comes over)

ALAN: Mrs. Stem hated his idea, so he has to do tomorrow’s announcements.

MICHELLE: What was your idea?

RYAN: It was like the Harlem Shake, except everyone is frothing at the mouth.

MICHELLE: (Laughs) So, they’re overdosing?

RYAN: I didn’t mention that, but yeah. I thought she would be okay with it if it was rabies or something.

MICHELLE: (Laughs) That’s pretty funny.

RYAN: Yeah. Anyway, I gotta go film tomorrow’s announcements.

MICHELLE: Do you need any help?

RYAN: Um, no, I just need to press record and set it up on the tripod and say the announcements.

MICHELLE: Can I press record?

RYAN: Uh…sure.


(Ryan smiles, as does Michelle and they walk into the KDGM studio. They go into a room with a news desk and an office chair behind it. Ryan sits behind the desk and there’s a camera mounted on a tripod in front of him. Ryan has announcements in front of him)

RYAN: Okay, just press record.


(She presses record)

RYAN: Hey there Highlanders, these are your announcements for Friday, February 15, 2013. The JV Swim team meets today in the big gym at four o’clock. (Ryan wipes his mouth) There is a swimming competition on Saturday, February 16th. (Ryan scratches his face) Congratulations to our varsity tennis teams, they defeated Vergennes Union High School on Wednesday and through a lucky mistake, faced and defeated Weybridge Elementary School on Tuesday. Good job, guys. (While maintaining eye contact with the camera, Ryan picks up a mini-water from under his desk and takes a swig and then puts it down) Colleges from Nebraska, Montana and Siberia will be in the lunch room all of next week during lunch to indulge your questions, comments and interest. (Ryan grabs a Monster and takes a sip and puts it down) If you would like to donate clothes to needy children, talk to Mrs. Caprice in the front office about her kids. (Ryan takes the bottle of water and takes out a pill and pops it and drinks some of the water and puts the water back underneath the desk) Remember Highlanders, Bill is still booting cars, so don’t forget to get a parking pass or pay Bill directly.

(Ryan takes out a handle of Crown Royal and takes a swig and then puts it back)


RYAN: I’ll edit it out! I’m just so thirsty! Our soccer teams are meeting in the cafeteria at 4am tomorrow. Bring your own graham crackers.

(Ryan grabs a bong and lights it and takes a hit off of it)


(Ryan puts the bong back)

RYAN: Bring in your canned goods and turn them into the front office in exchange for the privilege of wearing a hat all next week-shit, cottonmouth. (Ryan takes out a beer bong and a bottle of Wild Turkey) Help me butt chug this, I’m thirsty as fuck.

MICHELLE: How will that alleviate thirst?

RYAN: Fine. (He puts the funnel and Wild Turkey down) Our guest speaker at next week’s assembly will be Florida Senator Marco Rubio-OH MY GOD, I’M SO THIRSTY!

(Ryan takes out a flower pot with flowers in it and pours the water and flowers onto himself. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly out to dinner at Schmageggi’s, a dimly lit Italian place. Ethan is in a suit and Kimberly is in a dress)

KIMBERLY: This place is nice.

ETHAN: I’m pretty sure the owner is a mobster.

KIMBERLY: How do you figure?

ETHAN: I swear to God I peeked in here one time while it was closed and I saw an overweight man in a suit eating meatballs by himself.

(Kimberly laughs. A waiter comes over)

WAITER: Hi, welcome to Schmageggi’s, I’m John, what can I get you guys?

ETHAN: I’ll have the Schmageggi Alfredo.

JOHN: Okay. (Takes Ethan’s menu) And for you, ma’am?

KIMBERLY: I’ll have the Schmageggi spaghetti.

JOHN: Perfect choice. I’ll George Takei your menu. (Takes Kimberly’s menu) What about drinks?

ETHAN: Um, do you have Doctor Pepper?

JOHN: We have Dr. Schmageggi!

ETHAN: …Is that like Doctor Pepper?

JOHN: It is Doctor Pepper, but here it’s called Doctor Schmageggi!

KIMBERLY: You can’t do that!

JOHN: And for you, ma’am?

KIMBERLY: I’ll have a Shiner.

JOHN: A Schmageggi Shiner and a Doctor Schmageggi coming right up.

(The waiter walks away)

KIMBERLY: So, I don’t think we’ve talked about the drone justification memos yet.

ETHAN: Kimberly, we talk about politics all the time, can’t we just enjoy this dinner without arguing?

KIMBERLY: …Okay. Yeah, sure. Sorry.

ETHAN: Great….so how’s your business?

KIMBERLY: Oh, it’s good. We’re trying to beat away the competition since Rob leaked some of our leads, but, we’re scraping along.

ETHAN: Good, good…um-


ETHAN: I was about to say something, but I think it was political, so…


ETHAN: Best keep that to myself.



KIMBERLY: Oh my God, isn’t this whole drone thing ludicrous?

ETHAN: It’s completely ludicrous!

KIMBERLY: Why do you think it’s ludicrous?

ETHAN: Why are people questioning President Obama’s authority to have American citizens killed overseas? It’s just terrorists! Although, Obama’s probably just killing them because they have assault weapons.

KIMBERLY: How do you manage to give him a pat on the back whilst simultaneously shitting on him?

ETHAN: I saw someone do that at a Circus once.

KIMBERLY: Civilians are killed in these drone strikes too, you know.

ETHAN: Unfortunately, that’s just the collateral damage of war.

KIMBERLY: We’re not at war with Yemen and these other countries we’re drone striking.

ETHAN: We’re at war with terror! And any country that has terrorists, provided the country is impoverished, sandy and is too hard to spell on an arrest warrant.

KIMBERLY: Obama has no authority to do this, he’s abusing his power and you’re letting him off scott free?

ETHAN: I only care about the important abuses of power, like his wife’s healthy eating initiative, if I want to eat deep-fried cake batter, that is my right as an American! Plus, the Justice Department memo said they’re creating a “legal structure” for the drone strikes.

KIMBERLY: That’s like saying, “I accidentally slit a hooker’s Achilles, I might need to create a legal structure that says her heel was an eventually imminent threat to the Sham Wow Guy.”

ETHAN: That’s ridic-OH SHIT.


(Ethan sinks low into his chair, as does Kimberly)

ETHAN: (Whispering) Evan and Ellen are here.

KIMBERLY: Shit, let’s bury our heads in our menus.

ETHAN: Yeah, that looks natural. (Ethan and Kimberly bury their heads in their menus) Oh, for some reason I’m very infatuated with the bottom of the menu.

KIMBERLY: So fascinating.

(Their waiter comes over)

JOHN: Are you two okay?

KIMBERLY: Yes, I just have cataracts, so I have to look at the menu very closely.

(A man walks over)

MAN: This man’s choking!

ETHAN: I’m not choking, go away, please.

MAN: He clearly is, he’s keeled over, don’t worry I’m a doctor!

ETHAN: What-(The man lifts Ethan off his seat by the stomach, apparently trying dislodge his throat, but this just causes Ethan to drop his menu and for Kimberly to look up and for most restaurant patrons, including Evan and Ellen, to stand up) THE FUCK? (Ethan pushes the man away) I wasn’t choking, asshole!

(Cut to Evan and Ellen)

ELLEN: Ethan?

(Ethan looks over to see Evan and Ellen)

ETHAN: Oh Christ. (Ethan nervously smiles and waves as the waiter and doctor leave)

EVAN: Honey, they’re on their Valentine’s dinner, let’s not bother them.

ELLEN: Oh, I’m sure they’d be delighted to see us, come.

(Evan and Ellen walk over as Kimberly stands up and goes over to Ethan)

KIMBERLY: What are we going to do? They’re coming!

ETHAN: Just act natural, we can get out of this awkward situation if we try.

(Evan and Ellen walk over)


KIMBERLY: Hi, Ellen.

ETHAN: Hi, Evan.

EVAN: Hello, Ethan.

ELLEN: So, how’s your guys’ Valentine’s dinner?

ETHAN: It was going well until a guy attempted the Heimlich on me when I wasn’t choking.

(The doctor walks over)

DOCTOR: In my defense, I’ve always wanted to do that.

ETHAN: Go away!

(The doctor walks away)

ELLEN: Yeah, that’s weird.


ELLEN: How’s Ryan?

ETHAN: He’s…ask me about Jacob.

ELLEN: How’s Jacob?

ETHAN: Jacob’s great. He’s a real trooper.

ELLEN: That’s great. Our Scott and your Ryan are having a lot of fun with their little band.

KIMBERLY: Ryan’s passionate about his music.

ELLEN: Yes, both of them are. Evan, why are you so quiet?

EVAN: I, uh…I guess I don’t have much to say. My father once said, “silence is golden”.

(Nervous laughter)

KIMBERLY: Well, we should-

ELLEN: How’s your business?

KIMBERLY: It’s good. We’re trying to beat away the competition since Rob leaked some of our leads, but, we’re scraping along.

ELLEN: Good, good.


ETHAN: Well, we should-

EVAN: Ethan, how’s that tourism video comin’ along?

ETHAN: …I turned it in. Yesterday. You were there.

EVAN: I got a celebrity for mine.

ELLEN: Really, Evan? You didn’t tell me this. He’s keeping secrets from me.

(Ellen laughs, Kimberly and Ethan nervously laugh and Evan laughs passive aggressively as he folds his arms)

EVAN: Yes, I got Patrick White.

ETHAN: That’s not really-uh, that’s a hell of a get.

ELLEN: You don’t have to placate him, honey; we’ve all met Patrick White.

(Ellen laughs as Kimberly and Ethan laugh nervously)

EVAN: We’ve all met Mayor Sarandon too.

ETHAN: Unfortunately.

(They all laugh except Evan, who just smiles)

EVAN: Very good.

ELLEN: Ah, honey, why are you in such a rotten mood? You’re married and it’s Valentine’s Day!

EVAN: Ah, yes, I am married. You know, I was born in Philly, but I moved to Vermont in 1981 after I graduated high school to attend Bennington College. I went there for four years and graduated in the class of ’85 with a major in political science, but I also had an interest in the culinary arts. But my family was besmirched by poverty, it’s a miracle I got into Bennington in the first place, I had tons of student loan debt when I left. For eight years, I worked in every menial position I could find, whether it was city councilman’s intern or waiter or what have you, just to get by. In 1993 when I was a waiter I met Ellen. I knocked her up with a tiny little hipster and then we got hitched. Scott’s first bib said “I’m not a baby”. (Smirks) Ellen said she would love me forever. (Ellen smiles) Anyway, nineteen years later, I’m turning fifty this May. And every single DAY, I am embarrassed. (They all look nervously confused) So I guess the lesson of this tale is, don’t go to Vermont. The trees may secrete syrup, but the women just secrete sadness and betrayal.

(Evan walks away, to stunned silence)

ELLEN: What the hell was that? Did you tell him about the milkman?!

KIMBERLY: No, no, no! It was Ethan!

ELLEN: YOU told him about the milkman?!

ETHAN: No, no, no, I just-I think he found out about you and Mayor Sarandon.

ELLEN: What? I’m not involved with Mayor Sarandon. (The sound of a running faucet starts playing, causing Ethan and Kimberly to be confused. Ellen then picks up her phone and the sounds stops) Hey Tubby Bear, I can’t talk right now.

(She hangs up)

KIMBERLY: Tubby bear?

ETHAN: That’s your affectionate nickname for Mayor Sarandon?

ELLEN: How did you know that we were in a fling?

ETHAN: He accidentally sent something intended for you to me, my wife, a former military General and my daughter’s boyfriend.

ELLEN: Oh, Jesus…

KIMBERLY: Why do you have a faucet noise as your ringtone for him?

ELLEN: I bought a CD full of kitchen sounds to use when I was at Mayor Sarandon’s house so Evan would think I was at home in the kitchen, so now I just have too many, I’m figuring out creative ways to use them.

ETHAN: So, what’s your game plan here?


ETHAN: We were fighting and it just came out, I’m sorry!

ELLEN: YOU’RE SORRY?! You got involved in MY business!

KIMBERLY: Jesus Christ Ellen, you’re the President of HOA, getting involved in other people’s business is your business. Obama’s drone program thinks you’re a little intrusive.

ELLEN: Well if a drone is going to kill me, I don’t want it to be painted mauve! But that’s not the point! The point is, you’ve involved yourselves in OUR affairs with your big mouth!

ETHAN: I know, and I’m sorry, but…Evan works for Mayor Sarandon. He’s in a tough spot. He can either confront Mayor Sarandon and get fired, leave you and keep his job, or some mixture of those two.

ELLEN: Or he could forgive me and we could live together forever in harmony!

KIMBERLY: We both know that’s not an option, like he passive aggressively said, he feels betrayed.

ELLEN: He did say that, albeit passive aggressively. Look, stop involving yourself in my affairs!

ETHAN: Ellen, you’re talking to us!

ELLEN: You better have a good-ass tourism video!

(Ellen walks away)

ETHAN: …This isn’t good for me either, Kimmy. I mean, if he wants to keep his job, he won’t go to the press.

KIMBERLY: And you can’t cover the story up because of your past legal problems.

ETHAN: …Right. But-

KIMBERLY: No buts!



ETHAN: C’mooonn!


ETHAN: Fine…I guess now we’ll just try to enjoy the rest of our…Valentine’s Day Dinner…

(Cut to Ryan and Michelle sitting in the back seat of Ryan’s car during the day)

MICHELLE: So…what are you and Sarah doing tonight?

RYAN: We’re going out to dinner I guess…

MICHELLE: You sound excited.

RYAN: No, I am, I’m just-I told her I had a surprise for her and I don’t.

MICHELLE: Well, we can improvise something.

RYAN: …I can’t…


RYAN: I said I can’t…

MICHELLE: Why can’t you?

RYAN: (He shakes his head) Look at me, Michelle…(He looks at her) do I look like a person who’s prepared to pull off some big surprise gift in the next three hours?

MICHELLE: …Ryan, you can do anything you want. Get her a huge teddy bear and chocolates.

RYAN: I can’t even see myself doing something as simple as that.

MICHELLE: Is it money? I spot you if you’re willing to be a charity case.

RYAN: Michelle, you know I don’t mind being a charity case, I practically run off of a renewable resource, people’s pity, it’s the only reason I still work at Hot Topic, I just…(he wells up) I’ve fuckin’ fallen off the wagon and I don’t want to do anything else-

(He bursts into tears and buries his head in Michelle’s bosom as she holds him tight)

MICHELLE: Shh…it’s okay, Ry-ry. It’ll be okay. Speak up in group therapy, be strong.

RYAN: (Still crying, in between bursts of tears) I’M FUCKING WEAK, MICHELLE!

MICHELLE: Don’t say that.


MICHELLE: Shh…(Tears discharge from her ducts as well) you’re okay, my petulant little Ryan.

(Cut to Sarah walking through the parking lot)

SARAH: Ryan, don’t worry if you don’t have a surprise for me, you’re all I need. Well, I mean, he owes me something, right? Why are my expectations so low for him, that’s not fair to me. But, he is Ryan. I guess-(She sees Ryan’s car and how Michelle is in it. She furls her brow and runs over to the window to see what’s going on) What the fuck?

(Michelle looks over and taps Ryan on the shoulder, causing him to look up, teary-eyed and surprised)


(Sarah storms off)


(Ryan starts to leave, but Michelle grabs him)

MICHELLE: Ryan, it’s okay! Why don’t we get back together? I think you know that you need help now. You’re not going to fight me on it, right? I broke up with Delaware. What do you say?

RYAN: …Michelle…you know I care about you and I appreciate the comfort you’re giving me right now, but…I’m afraid I’m just going to hurt you again.

MICHELLE: What? No, you can be reformed.

RYAN: Michelle. I know myself better than anybody. I can’t be reformed. As Martha Stewart said, “I suppose it’d been better if I’d never been born at all”.

MICHELLE: That was James Stewart.

RYAN: Yeah, but Martha probably said that at one point too.

MICHELLE: That’s true, but it doesn’t apply to you. If you hadn’t been born, who would make KDGM great? Who would make your beautiful screaming music? Who would toss your hair to the side every few seconds?

RYAN: It wouldn’t matter, I wouldn’t be here.

MICHELLE: Ryan, I can be good to you. I can be with you. Let me do that.

RYAN: …I can’t. I’m not going to let you get hurt.

(Ryan gets out of the car)

MICHELLE: Ryan, this is your car.

(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly at dinner. They both have their food and are eating it)

ETHAN: I’m thinking about going into the water bottling industry.

KIMBERLY: Why’s that?

ETHAN: It’s like, the easiest job on Earth! I can either do that or invest in filters; you know how paranoid Americans are about their water? We buy these filters that have the voice of Zach Braff to purify our already-clean water while in Africa; their only water filter is the damp twig they use to remove the two-inch leeches.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, and I don’t think they got Zach Braff to do the voice, I think it’s like, Leif Garret.

(They both laugh)

ETHAN: So, what should I do about this whole situation?

KIMBERLY: Well…I don’t mean to be blunt here, but…fuck ‘em.

ETHAN: …Sorry?

KIMBERLY: Ethan, there are two ways you can win here and there are two ways you can lose.

ETHAN: Elaborate.

KIMBERLY: You can encourage Evan to quit and if he does, you’re the lone chief of staff again which is good for you.

ETHAN: Right, but then he might go to the press about Mayor Sarandon.

KIMBERLY: Yeah and my response to that is, who gives a shit? Ethan, you almost went to JAIL for your undying allegiance to Mayor Sarandon. You bribed and extorted to cover up his malfeasances. If he has to resign due to an affair, who would become temporary Mayor?

ETHAN: Well…me.

KIMBERLY: Yeah! And who could run for permanent Mayor in the special election?

ETHAN: …Marco Rubio!

KIMBERLY: No-wha-what? No!

ETHAN: Sorry, too much FOX News. Is it me though?

KIMBERLY: Yes, it is, Mr. Donahue.

ETHAN: …Wow. Mayor Ethan Donahue.

(Kimberly convulse in pleasure and starts breathing heavily)

KIMBERLY: Oh shit, that’s hot.

ETHAN: Mayor Ethan Donahue.

KIMBERLY: Goddamnit, let’s get out of here.


(The waiter walks over)

JOHN: Yes?

ETHAN: Here’s a hundred dollars. (Ethan puts a hundred on the table) We’re going to go, have this boxed up and sent to this address.

(He takes out his business card and hands it to the waiter as Kimberly and Ethan get up)

JOHN: We don’t really do delivery.


(Ethan and Kimberly rush out of the restaurant. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly getting into the car and buckling up)

ETHAN: Wait!


ETHAN: We’re in our mid-forties, there’s no way this’ll last until we get home.

KIMBERLY: …You’re right.

(They unbuckle and then get in the backseat of the car. They start removing articles of clothing and having vaginal sex.

(Cut to Ethan and Evan sitting in Mayor Sarandon’s office, right next to each other)

ETHAN: So what are you going to do, Alexander?

EVAN: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

ETHAN: I told you about it, you can’t act coy!

EVAN: …You fucked everything up.

ETHAN: Don’t shoot the messenger asshole, I was looking after you.

EVAN: Yeah, well now what am I supposed to do? Lose my job? I don’t think so.

ETHAN: Evan, he banged your wife.

EVAN: …I know.

ETHAN: And you’re cool with that?

EVAN: No, It’s just that-I need a job.

ETHAN: Evan, sometimes, you have to stand up for yourself, man, this is-you’ve got this, man!

EVAN: What-what are you doing?

ETHAN: What?

EVAN: Oh…I see what you’re doing. You want me fired.

ETHAN: What? (Laughs) That’s ridiculous, what are you, a Mormon?

EVAN: Yeah, you want to push me out because we share a job.

ETHAN: Evan, give me a break, you’re making a scene!

EVAN: I’m making a scene? We’re the only two here.

ETHAN: You know what, Ethan? Yeah, I’ll confront Mayor Sarandon.

EVAN: See? That’s that American courage I like.

(Mayor Sarandon walks in)

MAYOR SARANDON: Good day, gentlemen.

(Mayor Sarandon sits down)

EVAN: Mayor Sarandon, I know you’re banging my wife and I just want to say that you’re a fucking asshole and if you ever get close to her again I will reveal the story to the press and if you fire me for these comments I will reveal the story to the press, do you understand?

(Ethan and Mayor Sarandon are stunned)


EVAN: Do you understand?

MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah. But I think I’m going to use Ethan’s tourism video now.

EVAN: That’s fine, because I was planning on enjoying my tenure. (He stands up) If you’ll excuse me I’ll be basking in the Ivy League while you use your video to attract people who want to use our visitor’s center’s bathroom.

(Evan marches out)

ETHAN: …Well…someone’s grumpy.

MAYOR SARANDON: I fucked his wife.

ETHAN: I know.

MAYOR SARANDON: Your Guy Fieri impression isn’t bad.

ETHAN: For some reason, I feel like that’s not a compliment.

MAYOR SARANDON: It isn’t. Anyway, this video will air in our visitor center, on our website and on our visitor’s guide DVD.

ETHAN: Awesome.

(Cut to Ethan’s video. Ethan is standing in the snow-covered road)

ETHAN: Hi, I’m Ethan Donahue, the co-Chief of Staff to Mayor Brian Sarandon of Hansbay, Vermont. Hansbay is teeming with natural resources, natural leisure and unnatural fun! (Cut to Ethan in front of a Vermont Maple Syrup tree) Look at that thing! There’s no way a syrup tree is natural anywhere but Candy Land. (Cut to Ethan in front of Lake Champlain) We border Lake Champlain and have plenty of rocks with which to skip across the water or throw at douchey water skiers! (Cut to Ethan, in his haphazardly thrown together Guy Fieri outfit, standing in front of Bernie’s Grinders. He is actively trying to spike his hair while speaking and doing a Guy Fieri impression) And while you’re here dudes, get your caboose down to Bernie’s Grinders! It’s bananas! (Cut to Ethan as Guy Fieri talking to a chef at Bernie’s Grinders in the kitchen while trying to spike his hair) Brother, tell me how you make your kick-awesome burgers and subs?

CHEF: We make primarily subs, but we do make a mean burger-

ETHAN: Mean burger, lean burger, I’m keen on burgers, that’s a tear-jerker, that’s cool bro, what about your subs?

CHEF: Well, we use high quality bread-can you stop trying to spike your hair, it’s not gonna work.

ETHAN: I have to power through. So brother, how does bread work?

CHEF: …What?

(Cut to Ethan, dressed normally this time, outside the bowling alley, called “Bowl-cal Minority”)

ETHAN: Our bowling alley was awarded the 2012 Prize for worst-named bowling alley this side of the world! “Ol’ Taint Brothers’ Bowling Balls” came in second! (Cut to Ethan in Hansbay Town Center at night) Our Town Center project is running eight years strong! We have restaurants, book stores, ice cream places and desperate guitarists who literally live out of their guitar case!

(Delaware walks into the shot with his guitar case)

DELAWARE: Michelle, if you’re out there, know that I love you, and I hope we stay together forever! Now if you’ll excuse me.

(Delaware sets his guitar case down, opens it up and manages to cram himself in there and shut the lid)

ETHAN: It’s the Hansbay dream! (Cut to Ethan eating Ben and Jerry’s in a grocery store frozen aisle) We have Ben and Jerry’s, just like every other place in the United States! (Cut to Ethan in a neighborhood) And living here is just as good as visiting! (Cut to Ethan in the hallway of Hansbay High School) We have exemplary schools-well, it’s a public school, for a public school, it’s-it’s-they know the difference between Dwight Eisenhower and Albert Einstein, height-wise at least. (Cut to Ethan in front of a lake in a neighborhood with a fountain shooting water out of it) We also have the world’s only naturally occurring fountains. Yep. (Cut to Ethan in front of a sign reading “WELCOME TO HANSBAY, VERMONT POP: 900 (1890 CENSUS)”) Come to Hansbay, we’ll leave the light on for ya!

(Cut to Ryan and Sarah talking in the parking lot. “Plush” by Stone Temple Pilots starts playing while Sarah is crying while Ryan is trying desperately to explain something to her. Cut to Michelle on her laptop on her bed, again looking at Ryan’s pictures as “Plush” by Stone Temple Pilots starts playing. She gets distressed and puts her laptop aside. She then reaches down in between her bedside table and the wall and pulls out one of Ryan’s shirts. She inhales it’s odors. Cut to Ryan lying in his bedroom at night. He’s lying on his bed clothed in his every day wear of skinny jeans and a black shirt and he has no sheets. He’s just staring at his ceiling fan oscillating as the camera pans towards his window. The camera then cuts to Ryan’s clearly anxious and confused eyes. Cut to Ethan walking in the door after work. Kimberly comes up to him and asks him something. He shrugs and goes into the office. Kimberly looks confused and follows him in there. Cut to them in the office, arguing. Cut to Ellen in the kitchen, washing the dishes. Evan walks up from behind her and hugs her from behind and starts kissing her neck. Ellen begrudgingly gives in. Cut to Delaware on a couch making out with some other chick as the song ends. Fade to black)


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