“The selfish side of me that whispers suicidally; ‘End this hollow melancholy’, burns away when you’re with me.”
(We start with Ryan pulling up to his house in his car. He parks on the side of the street and does not look happy. He puts his face on the wheel. Cut to him walking inside. He haphazardly tosses his backpack aside and picks up his phone and calls someone)
RYAN: …Hey. Michael, what are you doing tonight? Cancel it. Dude, your dog will have other funerals, just cancel it. We’re doing something tonight. Yeah, I can invite Brennan. Alright. I’ll call you back. Bye. (He hangs up the phone. He then calls Brennan) Brennan? Cancel it. I mean, what are you doing tonight? Nothing? Cancel that. Because you, Michael and I are doing something. Full circle. Okay. No, we’re not doing a circle-jerk, that’s not what I meant. Because that’s next Friday!
(Cut to Jacob walking up to Ryan’s bedroom door. He knocks on it)
JACOB: Buddy? You okay? I just heard on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, StumbleUpon, Reddit, Duplicit and Instant Messenger that Sarah broke up with you, which is weird, because I haven’t used my IM in like, six years.
RYAN: (Muffled) I’m dying on the inside! (Ryan comes out of his room) But misery loves company! So I’m going out with my boys tonight.
JACOB: This is not how you usually deal with rejection or break-ups.
RYAN: Yeah, but I figured my normal way is somewhat…unhelpful.
JACOB: In that we have to take you to the hospital a lot when you do it.
RYAN: Right, so now I’m trying to numb the pain with drugs, alcohol and my two best friends.
JACOB: I thought drugs and alcohol were your two best friends.
RYAN: Nope, Michael and Brennan are, and they should be here any minute. (The doorbell rings) Well, for whom the bell tolls…I’m the whom!
(Ryan goes downstairs and opens the door to see Michael and Brennan)
RYAN: Hey guys!
MICHAEL: I must say, you look rather frothing with suppressed pain today. Is that new?
RYAN: Yeah, I just got it at Sarah Blumenthal Depot, apparently when you bury your face in your ex-girlfriend’s tits you get a break-up, free of charge.
BRENNAN: Dude, that sucks. Why aren’t you doing that thing you usually do though?
RYAN: I’ll explain, come in.
(Michael and Brennan come in and Ryan closes the door. They all go upstairs and they run into Jacob)
JACOB: Hello, Ryan, Brennan, Michael.
MICHAEL: Hey Jacob.
RYAN: So you guys are going to be my designated distractors tonight.
MICHAEL: Like, you’re gonna steal things and you need us as diversions?
RYAN: No, more like, you need to distract me from how my life is absolutely putrid shit right now.
BRENNAN: You think your life is bad? Eric moved to Siberia only three and a half months ago and boom, this morning, his dad gets injured by the meteorites.
MICHAEL: Yeah, apparently Eric wishes it was him, he thinks getting sliced in the face by a shard of glass would be “exhilarating”.
RYAN: I suppose living in a perpetually frigid hellscape 24/7 would make one that much more emo. But still, I need to stop thinking about Sarah and Michelle and start just hanging out with my best friends.
MICHAEL: Awesome, dude, we’ll have fun.
RYAN: Yeah, it’ll be awesome. And this night will be brought to you by the letter E.
JACOB: Well, luckily, you guys are about to get Harlem shaken!
JACOB: Yeah! You’re all on camera right now!
RYAN: Please don’t tell me you’re going to jump on the Harlem Shake bandwagon and absolutely murder an internet meme and make twelve cents off of it.
(“Harlem Shake” starts playing as Brennan starts dancing. As the song continues along, Ryan shakes his head, Jacob nods his head and Michael appears indifferent. When the drop comes and it says “Do the Harlem Shake, Ryan, Michael and Jacob all start dancing to it, as does the suddenly apparent Ross, Trey, Colleen and Chris Hayes. However, once the drop came, Brennan disappeared. After they dance for fifteen seconds, Ryan stops)
RYAN: Wait a second, cut the music!
(Jacob presses a button on a remote and the music stops)
JACOB: Dude, you’re ruining my viral video!
RYAN: There’s no way, this is going viral, but where’s Brennan?
MICHAEL: I don’t know, he was here before the drop.
TREY: It’s the curse of the drop. I lost a lot of good friends to Gangnam Style.
COLLEEN: You still have me, Trey.
RYAN: How did you people get in here?
JACOB: I hired them to do this video with me.
RYAN: Even Chris Hayes?
CHRIS HAYES: I stood alone in a crowd of people and danced to the Harlem Shake before it was cool!
RYAN: Really? Where is Brennan?
(Michael takes out his phone)
MICHAEL: Oh, I got a text from him. He said he “hates Harlem Shake and just remembered he has to go to his grandfather’s funeral”.
RYAN: Tell him to cancel it!
MICHAEL: Dude, cancelling a dog’s funeral is one thing, but-
RYAN: Fine! Shit, I don’t even talk to my granddad.
(Michael puts his phone away)
MICHAEL: So what do you want to do?
RYAN: Let’s go to Town Center and get some poon! (Cut to Michael and Ryan walking through Hansbay Town Center. Ryan is walking with his arms constantly rotating in fists going forward) We’ll always remember the Winter of 2013, the season we couldn’t walk two feet without tripping and failing into a cave full of poon and anthracite resources.
MICHAEL: Why are you walking like that?
RYAN: It’s my poon walk. (He stops walking like that) Fuck, this is hard to do.
MICHAEL: It’s okay, buddy, Sarah was a bitch. She broke up with you because you buried your face in Michelle’s chest to cry, I mean…what kind of rationale is that?
RYAN: I don’t know, it’s like…I guess she feels bad that I didn’t get a faceful of her tits. But what chick wants tears in their tits? Sarah’s boobs aren’t some sort of tear receptacle.
MICHAEL: You know what they are a receptacle for?
RYAN: A knife?
MICHAEL: I was going to go with dick, but that’s pretty dark thinking.
RYAN: I’m not gonna stab her, I’m just mad. We could’ve worked things out.
MICHAEL: Oh, check this girl out.
(They walk up to a younger looking girl with blonde hair and a beanie; she’s hanging out with Caroline, the fat chick who works with Jacob at Toys R Us)
MICHAEL: So, what’s your name?
GIRL: My name’s Cynthia.
MICHAEL: That’s pretty.
CYNTHIA: I hate it.
MICHAEL: You hate it?
RYAN: I like it.
CYNTHIA: I sound like a scary librarian from one of the great lagoon books.
(Michael laughs, as does Ryan)
MICHAEL: You sound like a cute girl from one of those cute girl books.
CYNTHIA: I haven’t heard of those.
(Michael grabs her beanie and puts it on)
CYNTHIA: (Cute, fake rage) Give it back!
MICHAEL: This is comfy.
CYNTHIA: That’s because it’s mine!
(Michael starts walking away)
MICHAEL See ya!
(Cynthia laughs and walks after him)
CYNTHIA: Come back!
(They both walk away)
RYAN: …They’ll be back.
CAROLINE: Yeah. Do you like the show Girls on HBO?
RYAN: (Sighs) No, but I’m assuming you’re about to tell me about it.
CAROLINE: It opens on a scene of Lena Dunham having dinner with her parents-
(Cut to Michelle having dinner with her parents Frank and Erica Reed at Schmageggi’s)
ERICA: So, now that you and Delaware are splitsville, I think it’s time you moved out.
MICHELLE: Mom, I haven’t graduated yet, stop watching Girls. Also, I don’t care about Delaware anymore, it’s just that Ryan and I have been broken up for five months and his girlfriend broke up with him and I proposed we start going out again and he rejected me, he said he doesn’t want to “hurt me”. This is after he cried in front of me about his problems.
FRANK: Sorry to hear that, Michelle. But girls your age shouldn’t be dating anyway, it’s unbecoming. I didn’t have a girlfriend until I was 32.
MICHELLE: That doesn’t mean other girls didn’t have boyfriends before that.
FRANK: Not true, all the girls at my school wanted me, but I blew him all off. Sometimes I even set dates and then blew me off. Because I knew I wasn’t ready to date and neither were the girls!
MICHELLE: You’re a great example, dad.
FRANK: Call me Frank.
MICHELLE: Jesus Christ, listen, can’t you guys just listen to me? I want Ryan! I can repair his broken soul! He’s like an IKEA coffee table! He’s missing a few pieces, his instructions are in another language and he has a Xanax habit. Okay, the metaphor’s not perfect, but if I owned that box of loose parts, I could piece them all together and make something magnificent.
ERICA: IKEA coffee tables aren’t that great, honey.
MICHELLE: But they’re stable! All I want is for Ryan to be stable.
FRANK: They’re not even that stable.
MICHELLE: Dad, you know what I mean.
FRANK: Quite frankly Michelle, I want you to get as far away from Ryan and Delaware as you can, they’re trouble and I don’t want trouble.
MICHELLE: I don’t even know why I bother asking you guys about things like this.
FRANK: You’ve got to realize your priorities. You’re a good student, Ryan isn’t. You don’t do drugs, Ryan does. You weren’t manufactured in Almhult, Sweden, Ryan was.
FRANK: Sorry, I got caught up in the IKEA metaphor again.
ERICA: Why don’t you date that nice Chris Hayes boy?
MICHELLE: He’s fifteen and he’s not-
FRANK: Emo enough?
MICHELLE: No, it’s not that. He’s just a bit grating.
ERICA: When I met your father I was a sex slave in the West Indies and I thought he was annoying too.
FRANK: Yeah, and I was trying to save her. How could she think that the guy who was trying to save her from sex trafficking was annoying? I have no idea.
ERICA: But we ended up marrying and having two kids. But he still sometimes gets on my nerves.
FRANK: And I love her for it.
(Frank puts his arm around her)
ERICA: God, your hand’s cold.
(Frank takes his arm off)
MICHELLE: Chris Hayes is not an option right now. I just want to talk to my best friend.
FRANK: Isn’t that Ryan?
MICHELLE: It was, but for most of the last five months Ryan has been a stranger.
ERICA: Then who’s your best friend?
(Cut to Michelle sitting in her bedroom wearing pajamas and eating Ben and Jerry’s with a chick who has short, dyed blonde spiky hair, glasses and numerous bracelets. She is also eating Ben and Jerry’s and is in pajamas)
MICHELLE: So it’s like, why doesn’t he want my help? He comes crying to me saying he wants help and then he tells me to fuck myself?
(The girl flips out a knife)
GIRL: He told you to fuck yourself?
MICHELLE: No, no, Coin, he just told me that he doesn’t “Want to hurt me”.
COIN: Oh. (She puts her knife away) So basically he doesn’t trust himself not to hurt you?
MICHELLE: Yeah! He’s giving up on improving himself! How shitty is that?
(Coin suddenly has a gallon of ice cream in front of her and a large sppon)
COIN: That’s fucked up. He’s an asshole, you don’t need him.
(Michelle inexplicably has a banana split in a bowl)
MICHELLE: But I want him!
(Coin now has a bag of cane sugar)
COIN: Well, he said no.
(Michelle now has a bowl of sprinkles)
MICHELLE: But his problems are so immense, can I alone solve them?
(Coin now has a bowl of Maraschino cherries)
COIN: No, you can’t. Who eats Cherries alone?
MICHELLE: So should I be with him anyway?
COIN: “I know he’s going to do drugs, get in trouble, drink and potentially overdose or die in a fiery car wreck, but YOLO I’ll go for it?” No! Leave him be, he obviously doesn’t want help.
MICHELLE: You know, I do worry about him dying.
COIN: If he died, his ashes would probably give you a body high. (Michelle laughs) That’s how much drugs he does.
MICHELLE: I know! That’s the problem. God knows what he’s doing right now.
COIN: Didn’t he used to lock himself in his room when he got broken up with or rejected?
COIN: What does he do in there?
MICHELLE: I’ve known Ryan for a month shy of a year now and I still don’t know.
COIN: Well, what are you going to do?
MICHELLE: I’m going to eat Coffee Heath Bar Crunch.
COIN: Don’t dodge the question.
MICHELLE: I consider myself a New England Patriots Fan.
MICHELLE: I don’t know Coin; I’ll probably just wait for Ryan to come to me. Inevitably he will, he can’t keep himself company very long without wearing out his welcome.
COIN: He doesn’t treat his host very well.
MICHELLE: Yeah. So what do you want to do?
COIN: I don’t know, what do you want to do?
MICHELLE: Why do people always try to reroute that question?
COIN: What do you want to do?
MICHELLE: I just feel pissed at Ryan for being such a druggie, I feel like I want to do drugs just to get revenge on him.
COIN: How is that revenge?
MICHELLE: Because it shows him!
COIN: Shows him what?
MICHELLE: Let’s just go find a party, get your shoes on.
(Cut to Michelle, Coin, Chris Hayes, Trey, Colleen and Brennan in a suit at some party. “Harlem Shake” is playing in the background. Coin is dressed in an Invader Zim t-shirt and loose blue jeans and VANS shoes)
COIN: So this is Cooper’s house?
CHRIS HAYES: Yeah, he has parties all the time and they’re always so dope. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten my cherry popped in that closet over there.
MICHELLE: You don’t have a cherry.
CHRIS HAYES: Goddamnit, now I have to find out what that means.
TREY: HA! Freshmen.
CHRIS HAYES: Fuck off, Trey.
(Chris Hayes lights a pipe and inhales the smoke and then exhales it. Chris passes the pipe to Trey, who then inhales and exhales the smoke. Trey passes the pipe to Colleen, who lights the bowl and inhales the smoke and then exhales it)
COLLEEN: You know what’d be a good idea?
TREY: What, babe?
COLLEEN: You know how there’s eye drops? What about when your eyes are too watery? Someone needs to make dry drops.
TREY: That’s stupid.
(Colleen hands the pipe to Brennan)
COLLEEN: You never like my ideas, Trey! You always shoot me down!
(Brennan inhales and then exhales)
BRENNAN: Are you really getting angry about your stupid dry drops idea?
TREY: See, babe? That shit’s consensus.
(Cut to a slow motion close-up of Brennan handing the pipe to Michelle. She looks at it for a second. Zoom back out and back to regular speed. She takes the pipe)
COLLEEN: What’s your story emo kid, what’s with the suit?
(Michelle takes a lighter from Chris Hayes and lights the bowl)
BRENNAN: My grandfather recently died.
COIN: Are you gonna do it?
(Michelle inhales and exhales)
COLLEEN: Did you just get back from his funeral?
BRENNAN: No, I just got back from a Men In Black costume party, yes I just got back from his funeral.
COLLEEN: Wow, Mr. Sarcasmic.
(Michelle hands the pipe to Coin. Michelle seems dazed and confused)
COIN: You okay?
CHRIS HAYES: AW SHIT! You won’t be okay for long because Sarah Blumenthal’s in the house!
(Sarah walks over)
CHRIS HAYES: We’re going to see a feline confrontation here tonight, ladies and gentle stoners.
SARAH: Well. I didn’t realize you two were coming.
MICHELLE: Well…what else can you do on a Friday night in this town?
TREY: Huff paint behind my dad’s shed. That made my tween years.
CHRIS HAYES: Raaawr!
SARAH: Neither of us said anything, Chris Hayes.
CHRIS HAYES: It was a pre-emptive cat noise.
MICHELLE: We’re not going to fight, Chris Hayes.
SARAH: Yeah, I’ll just leave.
BRENNAN: Don’t leave, Sarah, you two can put aside your differences for a few minutes, can’t you?
MICHELLE: There’s no need for such flagrant being able to withstand one another’s presence, Brennan. Sarah, carry on.
BRENNAN: Sarah, stay a while!
MICHELLE: Sarah, go!
SARAH: Shut up! It seems like everyone has ulterior motives! Luckily, I have the best motive of all. (Sarah takes out a grocery bag full of liquor and drugs) Ryan’s stash!
COIN: Okay, hold on, Michelle, Sarah, are you guys going to get petty revenge on Ryan together?!
COIN: That’s like Jacqueline Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe getting revenge on JFK by having him killed-(She gasps) Oh my god, I just solved the Kennedy assassination! Jesus, what kind of weed is this?
CHRIS HAYES: It’s Afghani Kush.
CHRIS HAYES: S-sure.
SARAH: Let’s get fucked up, shall we?
(Sarah takes out a bottle of Xanax and a baggie of ecstasy)
SARAH: Do you want to become a happy zombie or a super-manic depressive?
(Cut to Jamie and Rob behind the counter at the “Not Eckerd’s” pharmacy. Rob is wearing a Not Eckerd’s work uniform, as is Jamie)
ROB: Thanks so much for putting in a good word for me with the boss.
JAMIE: You’re welcome. It’s not a glamorous job; we pay 8.60 an hour with no benefits, most of the employees who have families here live in poverty.
ROB: 8.60’s pretty generous, that’s like a dollar thirty-five more than the minimum wage, isn’t it?
JAMIE: No, it’s the new Vermont minimum wage, up from 8.46 last year.
ROB: Well, doesn’t Obama want to raise the minimum wage to nine dollars?
JAMIE: Yeah, so now they can live in poverty deluxe edition.
ROB: Yeah, well I was on the brink of poverty when I moved into my sister’s house.
JAMIE: That must’ve sucked.
ROB: Yeah, my sister’s husband hated me.
JAMIE: Does he not hate you anymore?
ROB: Naw, we’re besties-he might still hate me.
JAMIE: So, what’s your plan for the future?
ROB: I don’t know, I guess I’ll work here until I can find my calling.
JAMIE: Don’t count on that or you’ll end up like the purse-faced old lady who smokes through a hole in her throat and mumbles about her regrets all day.
ROB: I won’t be like her; I’ll probably play more video games.
(A man walks in wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt and looking noticeably disheveled. He goes to one of the aisles and then comes over to the counter with a box of White Castle burgers, Chef Boyardee’s Ravioli, Spaghettios and a box of baby wipes. Jamie scans all the items)
JAMIE: Are these good?
JAMIE: I would pour mix the Raviolis and the Spaghettios if I were you.
(The guy smiles)
GUY: Not a bad idea.
JAMIE: That’d be ten dollars. (The guy swipes his card and presses credit) You want your receipt?
(Jamie throws it in the trash)
JAMIE: Have a good day.
GUY: You too.
(The guy leaves)
ROB’S INNER MONOLOGUE: He said you two! As in us two are cute together! My dreams have-
JAMIE: The key to my job is to diminish shame. We work the night shift at a pharmacy, half the people who come in here at this time are stoned, lonely or both. They come in here to buy junk food or lonely TV dinners and the worst part of their trip is facing another human being who might judge them for their transgression which is why we have to relate to them by making small talk about what we would do worse than them.
ROB: How so?
JAMIE: For example, that guy came in here and bought unhealthy burgers, empty calories and a masturbation accessory, so I made him feel more comfortable by saying I would combine the raviolis and the burgers together, problem solved.
ROB: You didn’t say anything about the baby wipes!
JAMIE: What am I gonna say? “I would totally jerk off to those White Castle burgers”?
ROB: No, because you can’t jerk off!
JAMIE: There’s the least important reason. Look, people come in here at their most vulnerable, nothing good happens after ten o’clock.
ROB: Well, that’s not a bad customer service strategy, but I bet I could top it!
JAMIE: Oh really now?
ROB: Yep, just watch me; the next guy who comes in here that’s vulnerable I’ll one-up his sin.
(A man comes in with a belt tied around his arm and a needle in his hand. He is also very disheveled and bearded. He is holding some booze in the other hand. He walks over and picks up a York peppermint patty with his mouth and sets it on the counter. Rob scans it)
ROB: Is that…heroin?
ROB: I took cheese once. Hard shit.
JAMIE: I mixed it with Ravioli.
MAN: Nice. I’ll try it.
JAMIE: No, you shouldn’t-
ROB: Are you gonna pay for this?
MAN: I have a crinkly ten dollar bill in my pocket signed by Treasury Secretary Henry Morgenthau.
JAMIE: I’ve never heard of that person.
MAN: Yeah, it’s really old, but shit, I gotta eat.
ROB: One time I was so hungry I ate my own hand.
(Rob hides his hand behind his back)
JAMIE: Do you expect me to reach into your pocket and pull out the dollar bill?
MAN: Do I look like I can do it with my mouth?
ROB: Ever tried sucking your own dick?
MAN: Of course, but I realized I couldn’t give myself crack rocks. Is someone going to get the dollar?
ROB: I’m not touching his dick.
MAN: I can’t give you crack rocks.
ROB: I don’t want crack rocks.
JAMIE: How about you hold his stuff?
ROB: Yeah, I’ll just hold some heroin.
JAMIE: You can hold the booze!
MAN: Naw, this is illegal absinthe.
JAMIE: Jesus Christ, FINE! (Jamie begrudgingly and slowly pulls an old ten dollar bill from his pocket, puts it in the register, enters the sale and the receipt starts printing) Do you want the receipt?
MAN: Yeah, could you stick it in my pocket?
JAMIE: Fuck off!
MAN: Good day.
(The man walks out of the store)
JAMIE: ROB, WHAT THE FUCK?
JAMIE: You made me reach into that drug addict’s pocket, why couldn’t you-
(A man walks in with blood on his white shirt)
MAN: Hi, I have a hooker bleeding out in my car; do you guys have baby wipes by any chance?
(Jamie and Rob grab towels and Jamie starts dialing 911 as they frantically run to the parking lot. Cut to Ryan, Michael and Cynthia sitting in the ice cream store. Ryan looks annoyed)
CYNTHIA: I’ve got to go to the bathroom.
MICHAEL: Text me while you’re there.
(Cynthia giggles and walks into a nearby bathroom)
RYAN: Dude, I’ve got news for you and you’re not going to like it.
RYAN: North Korea conducted an underground nuclear test earlier this week.
MICHAEL: That was like three days ago.
RYAN: But no, the actual news I have to tell you is that as of (He checks his wrist) 9:05 PM Eastern Standard Time on Friday, February 15, 2013, Cynthia is twelve.
RYAN: Yes, the flash, apparently official, Cynthia is twelve as fuck.
MICHAEL: You think Cynthia’s twelve?
RYAN: I know Cynthia’s twelve. While you were out molesting her-(Michael makes a shocked face) molesting as in making indecent sexual advances towards her, it’s in the dictionary- (Michael nods) while you were molesting her some guy came over and said she’s a pathological liar and that she claims to be fifteen to everyone, but she was born in February 2001 which would make her twelve.
MICHAEL: Jesus Christ, she’s twelve? Ugh! I feel violated.
RYAN: Also, the guy told you not to believe that she’s an escaped Eskimo, that she’s the Pope’s illegitimate daughter or that she’s Oscar Pistorious’ still-alive girlfriend who faked her death and escaped South Africa with nothing but Oscar’s spare prosthetics to protect herself.
MICHAEL: She didn’t tell me any of those things!
RYAN: You’re lucky. But luckily, we have time to ditch this preteen. Shalt we?
MICHAEL: Yeah, I just-God, I feel so gross.
RYAN: You’re okay, man. At least she doesn’t cut for Bieber.
MICHAEL: As far as we know.
(They both get up and leave the ice cream shop. Cut to Ryan driving Michael)
RYAN: Don’t worry buddy, we’re going to get so fucked tonight.
MICHAEL: What if your parents notice?
RYAN: I’ll tell them it was secondhand ecstasy.
MICHAEL: They’d probably believe you, too.
RYAN: My mom would. (Mock mom voice) “Oh, your poor boy!”
(Michael and Ryan laugh. Cut to Ryan and Michael walking into the house to see Ethan and Kimberly walk up to them in nice clothing)
ETHAN: Hey, faggots.
RYAN: Hey dad. What are you guys all dressed up for?
KIMBERLY: We’re going out.
RYAN: Didn’t you guys go out last night for Valentine’s Day?
MICHAEL: Why are you questioning them?
ETHAN: Why, what do you faggots have planned?
RYAN: Nothing, we’re just going to hang out.
ETHAN: Don’t play your rock and roll too loud or old man Johnson will shake his fist at the side of our house.
RYAN: I’m honestly not concerned about that.
ETHAN: You should see this man’s fist.
KIMBERLY: Wow, don’t say that in the bathroom at the restaurant. Anyway, we’re doing a Valentine’s do-over because the one yesterday was a bit contentious.
RYAN: Okay, cool.
ETHAN: You’re Michael, right?
MICHAEL: Yes sir.
ETHAN: I remember I liked you. Keep Ryan out of trouble, you hear?
MICHAEL: Will do.
ETHAN: Okay, lock the house, close the blinds, feed the dog and the number for poison control will come if you say your name three names into the mirror. Bye!
(Ethan and Kimberly leave)
RYAN: Awesome! (Ryan and Michael go upstairs and into Ryan’s room. Ryan looks under his bed) What the hell? (He looks in the closet and then comes out) Where the hell is my stash?
(He takes off his shoe and hits the heel a couple times)
MICHAEL: You think your stash of drugs and alcohol is in the heel of your shoe?
RYAN: WELL WHERE THE HELL ELSE WOULD IT BE?!
MICHAEL: Dude, relax. Retrace your steps, where did you last see it?
RYAN: I was too drunk to remember! What a surprise!
MICHAEL: Well, what drugs and alcohols were in there?
RYAN: I had two grams of weed, a couple of handles of liquor, Xanax, ecstasy, Prozac, Nortryptilin and some Prednisone that my grandfather accidentally left here. I don’t take it, it causes frequent urination.
(Cut to Michelle and Coin cuddling half-naked in a hallway outside a door. They’re tripping on X)
MICHELLE: I love you so much, Coin…
COIN: Michelle, you don’t even know how much I love you, scientists can’t even map it, I fuckin’ adore you.
MICHELLE: Thanks so much Coin-HURRY THE FUCK UP IN THERE, CHRIS HAYES!
(A toilet flush is heard)
CHRIS HAYES: WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS CALL ME BY MY FIRST AND LAST NAME, GODDAMNIT, IT SMELLS LIKE A CARNIVAL CRUISE IN HERE!
(Cut back to Ryan and Michael in Ryan’s office. Ryan is on the phone)
RYAN: You’re not having a clearance sale? I heard K-2 is going out of style come the Spring. Okay. Thanks anyway. (Ryan hangs up) Shit, none of my regulars have anything.
MICHAEL: You know what, Ryan, why don’t we give up on it for tonight?
RYAN: But I wanna do drugs, it’ll make me feel better!
MICHAEL: I’m glad I help.
RYAN: No, Michael, you help, it’s just that…I want to feel even better.
MICHAEL: How about we talk with people on Chat Roulette?
RYAN: …Okay, I guess we could do that. It’s got my two favorite things, dicks and bored guys in bed!
MICHAEL: Those are you two favorite things?
MICHAEL: Okay, just come over here.
(Ryan walks over there and sits next to Michael as Michael logs onto Chat Roulette. The first person is a bored guy in bed)
RYAN: Hi there-(He disconnects) Okay. (The next guy is a Hispanic in a pinstriped suit in some nice apartment) I like your apartment.
HISPANIC: Yeah, I just fish for compliments for my apartment on Chat Roulette, thanks!
MICHAEL: Wow, pretty insecure.
(The next one’s a dick)
RYAN: He’s being a little forward.
(Michael laughs as they disconnect to another dick)
MICHAEL: Oh my God. (He disconnects and it connects to a cute girl)
RYAN: Nice. Hi!
CUTE GIRL: Buy a couch, y’all!
MICHAEL: Jesus, it’s an ad.
RYAN: It’s not even an ad for a specific brand of couch.
(They connect to a skinny black kid in a run-down compound somewhere. The sounds of gunfire rage in the background)
MICHAEL: Christ, how much of the world have we connected?
RYAN: Where are you, kid?
BLACK KID: (African accent) I live in Mali. The sounds you’re hearing are the French.
MICHAEL: I thought they sounded more like (Stereotypical French accent) Oui oui, croissant!
MALIAN KID: That’s funny, people are dying over here!
RYAN: Then why are you on Chat Roulette?!
(The kid disconnects)
MICHAEL: God, I hope that was voluntary.
(They connect to some college student)
COLLEGE KID: Hey. How are you guys?
MICHAEL: I’m fine, but Ryan here is depressed because his birdie flew away.
RYAN: To describe it in today’s lingo, my girlfriend broke the fuck up with me.
COLLEGE KID: Dude, chicks are all bitches. My girlfriend broke up with me because I used a dangling participle while I was banging her sister.
MICHAEL: Grammar Nazi.
COLLEGE KID: HEIL! (They all laugh) My name’s David, by the way. But what was so special about your bitch anyway?
RYAN: She was so cute and so into me and so cute and funny and she was small, I could fit like ten of her in my pocket, she hit me playfully and she cared about me, but she broke up with me all because I cried into my ex-girlfriend’s chest!
DAVID: Dude, forget her.
RYAN: She’s not like Cee Lo Green’s ex-girlfriend; she’s so much more than that!
DAVID: In ten years, you’ll barely remember her.
RYAN: In 2023, I’ll remember her more it’ll be inversely closer to the time I knew her time-wise, because I’ll be closer to the end of time and further away from the middle of time!
COLLEGE KID AND MICHAEL: What?
RYAN: I’ll never get over this!
DAVID: Yes you will, dude! You know what? Tonight, go out and get your D wet. And your L wet, if you can manage it.
RYAN: My L? Like, my leg?
DAVID: You can get any of your letters wet dude, don’t be afraid. And in ten years, you’ll be…?
RYAN: A singer for Depraved Hallway Fern living a life of sex, drugs and post-emotive hardcore pop punk double core scream core.
DAVID: And you, Puerto-Rican looking kid?
MICHAEL: I’m Michael, and I’m probably going to be a car designer.
DAVID: So once that dream inevitably dies, I’ll be a rocket scientist, Ryan will be a singer and Michael will be a professional shaft choreographer.
RYAN: That’s true…I should get my D wet! We should go out and get bitches.
MICHAEL: Why do people always say that like it’s so easy?
DAVID: I’ve got to get some numerous Zs, but I’ll catch you two on the flip.
RYAN: Okay, bye!
(The kid waves and disconnects. Michael exits out of the window)
RYAN: Let’s go procure poon.
MICHAEL: Are you going to do your poon walk to accomplish that?
RYAN: Fuck yeah!
(Ryan does his “poon walk” from earlier out of the room as Michael laughs. Cut to Rob and Jamie behind the counter at Not Eckerd’s. Jamie looks angry as she texts on her phone and Rob stands a few feet away)
ROB: …Jamie…Jamie, are you still mad at me?
JAMIE: No, Rob, I’m totally cool with you making me grab a guy’s dick.
ROB: That’s not what-he didn’t-you reached into his pocket!
JAMIE: WHY DIDN’T YOU DO IT FOR ME?!
ROB: I didn’t want to touch the guy’s junk either, but I’m sorry!
JAMIE: The entire situation was unnecessary; we should’ve just held the absinthe or called the police!
ROB: Jamie, that’s a really good point.
JAMIE: Don’t fucking compliment me like that expecting that to absolve you of your dickishness!
ROB: Jamie, you’re right, I should’ve held the absinthe while you were reaching into his pocket-
JAMIE: Oh my God, if you were holding the absinthe he could’ve just given us the money without having to go through all that fucking rigamarole!
ROB: Another great point.
JAMIE: You know, when I first met you, you seemed like a good-natured man who was just a borderline social retard, but now I just realize you’re an asshole, so I guess your sister’s husband is right!
ROB: Jamie, your presence makes me a little more mindful of certain social norms, so, you’re welcome!
JAMIE: You should be saying you’re welcome to me, first of all, secondly, I’m glad that you’re an even bigger asshole when I’m not around!
ROB: I’m not an asshole, Jamie, I just-dyslexia?
JAMIE: Did that just pop into your head as a potential excuse but you blurted it out too quickly, rendering it meaningless, not that it would’ve been meaningful anyway?
JAMIE: Okay, I’m off for the night, so good luck touching stranger’s balls to get Hamiltons by yourself.
(Jamie takes her bag and storms out of the store, leaving Rob to collapse to the floor in a state of depression)
ROB: Goddamnit, you’re such an idiot. YOU’RE SUCH A FUCKING-
(Suddenly, the manager is revealed to be right next to him)
MANAGER: There are still people here.
(Cut to Chris Hayes standing on a diving board with his shirt off while holding a handle of rum while Coin, Michelle, Trey, Colleen, Brennan, Cooper, Scott and others are in the pool at nighttime)
COOPER: I KNOW IT’S REALLY COLD OUT HERE, BUT ONE OF RYAN’S PILLS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE IT’S FORTY DEGRESS CELCIUS!
COLLEEN: Is that-
COOPER: YEAH, THAT’S REALLY HOT!
COLLEN: Got it.
SCOTT: THANK GOD THIS POOL IS HEATED OR ELSE WE’D GET HYOTHERMIA!
COOPER: YEP, AS LONG AS WE FEEL HOT, WE’RE IMMUNE!
SCOTT: POPPED A MOLLY, I’M SWEATIN’! WOO!
CHRIS HAYES: WOO! I’m gonna fuckin’ jump in!
BRENNAN: Don’t jump in with that glass bottle, that’s really dangerous.
CHRIS HAYES: You’re right! Smokey the Bear says don’t fuckin’ do that!
(Chris Hayes tosses the handle behind him. It hits a fence and breaks)
BRENNAN: That was also really dangerous!
TREY: Are you gonna jump, Chris Hayes?
CHRIS HAYES: You know it, Trey!
COLLEEN: He doesn’t know it until you do it. Neither do I.
TREY: Unless I tell her you already did it.
COLLEEN: I trust him.
(They start making out)
CHRIS HAYES: I’m gonna do it!
SCOTT: Do it!
CHRIS HAYES: Just, give me a second!
(He lifts up one leg, but quickly puts it back down. Cut to Michelle and Coin hanging out on the steps of the pool)
MICHELLE: Do you ever just pretend you’re in the fucking Atlantic Ocean when you’re in a pool?
COIN: Always. I sometimes pretend to do everyday things under water.
MICHELLE: That’s a great idea! Let’s do it!
(Michelle and Coin grab goggles from the side of the pool, put them on and swim over to the deep end and go down underwater. Michelle and Coin look at each other. Coin pretends to sit at a desk and type, which makes Michelle laugh. Michelle checks her watch and pretends to hold a suitcase, which makes Coin laugh. They go up above water for breath for a few seconds; they laugh and then go back down. Coin approaches Michelle and shakes her hand and they both nod very seriously and mock business-like. Suddenly, they stop. Coin pulls Michelle hand towards her and Michelle and Coin start making out. As they make out, they float to above water. The sight of them making out makes the other hoot and holler)
TREY: HOT MERMAID LESBIANS IN THE HOUSE!
(Everybody laughs and hollers as Michelle stops making out with Coin, panics, and swims to the stair step of the pool and runs out and goes inside)
CHRIS HAYES: HA! That was great. Anyway, back to this.
(Chris Hayes peers over the edge of the diving board)
TREY: It’s not high at all!
(Cut to Ryan and Michael on top of the parking garage at Hansbay Town Center. They are staring at something the camera has not yet shown)
MICHAEL: Holy fuck.
RYAN: This is pretty cool.
MICHAEL: Dude, are you kidding me? This is fucking awesome.
(The camera shows that there’s a car show on top of the parking garage, complete with cars, music, patrons and the like)
RYAN: Let’s check it out.
(Ryan and Michael walk over to an Orange Lotus)
MICHAEL: Dude, this is a 2011 Lotus Elise. They don’t make these anymore, it has a 1.6-liter 4-cylinder behind the cockpit, it can go zero to sixty in six seconds flat.
(A sceney Asian kid walks by)
RYAN: Why are there always sceney Asian kids at car shows?
(A guy walks over to Ryan and Michael)
GUY: Do you like her?
MICHAEL: She’s a beaut.
GUY: She’s got a good 1,000 miles on ‘er.
MICHAEL: She’s slicker ‘an owl shit.
GUY: Does your friend there have any questions?
RYAN: Um…is she prone to ovarian cysts?
(Cut to Ryan and Michael holding Volt energy drink cans while standing in front of a black truck with huge headlights. There’s a guy right next to them)
GUY: Hey, who wants to see my illegally bright headlights?
(The guy goes into his truck and turns them on and they’re extremely bright)
MICHAEL: Jesus Christ!
RYAN: It’s like staring into the surface of the sun!
(The guy turns them off)
MICHAEL: I felt like I was just meeting God.
RYAN: Half of these motor heads will before age twenty-five. (A sceney Asian kid walks by) They’re always here!!
(Cut to Ryan and Michael hanging out in Ryan’s car near sunset time. They’re half-reclined in their seats while metal music quietly plays in the background)
MICHAEL: That couldn’t have been cooler if we had stumbled upon an ice cream and blowjob convention.
RYAN: I know. You know Michael, we may not have found any poon because we stumbled upon the most male-centric thing in the universe, but I still had a lot of fun with you tonight, even without the alcohol or drugs.
MICHAEL: Yeah, it was really fun. We should do this more often.
RYAN: We should try it with drugs and booze though.
MICHAEL: Right…I’m sorry about your girlfriend.
RYAN: Yeah, it…sucks. But I guess alcohol and drugs won’t solve anything. Plus, like that guy said, in ten years, none of this will matter. I’ll be getting my poon in bulk as the lead singer of a band, you’ll be whoring yourself out to cars and who knows? Maybe that David guy we met on Chat Roulette will be the priest marries Sarah and I.
MICHEAL: First of all, it sounds like you’re nowhere near over Sarah and secondly, I don’t think David said he wanted to become a priest.
RYAN: I’m almost positive he did.
MICHAEL: Well, regardless, I just hope you’ll get through this. It’s been nine months since I had to deal with you breaking up with me and…it was hard.
RYAN: (Sighs) Um, Michael.
RYAN: I have something to confess.
RYAN: Um…nobody told me Cynthia was twelve.
RYAN: I-I’m sorry, but-
MICHAEL: Why would you do that?!
RYAN: I’m really sorry, but she just-I don’t know. I felt jealous that you were doing better with a girl than I was, especially since Sarah just left me, it was just…I’m sorry.
MICHAEL: Wow, nobody can be happy if Ryan isn’t, huh?
RYAN: No, it’s not that, Michael! I’m sorry; I was being vindictive and selfish!
MICHAEL: No shit! Dude, c’mon!
RYAN: I just-…I wanted to get that out of the way, because I feel like I had to before we started this great new chapter of our friendship. How about we look her up on Facebook when we get home? What’s her name?
MICHAEL: (Sighs) It’s Cynthia Fleischmann.
RYAN: Alright, let’s go. (Ryan puts the car into drive and backs up) You ready?
MICHAEL: (Still slightly annoyed) I guess.
(Ryan drives away. Cut to Michelle staring at herself in the mirror. Coin knocks on the door)
(Coin comes in)
MICHELLE: Well if it isn’t Ellen DeGeneres.
COIN: Yes, that is another lesbian.
MICHELLE: Yeah, well she didn’t tongue me in public while I was high.
COIN: Are you saying you haven’t felt those kinds of feelings towards me when we were sober?
(Michelle turns towards Coin)
MICHELLE: Yes, actually! And I can’t believe you would take advantage of my intoxicated state to sure up your dyke jollies!
COIN: Trust me, Michelle; I get plenty of those from watching Girls on HBO.
MICHELLE: That is a good show. But you should know the platonic nature of this friendship; we’ve known each other for eight years and for nine of them I’ve known you’re a lesbian, before you even knew.
COIN: I know!
MICHELLE: And I’ve never made a move! Why would you? ESPECIALLY in front of a bunch of people who will no doubt talk about it on Monday?
COIN: They’re jacked up on molly, Xanax, Prozac, Crown Royal, weed and chlorine, they won’t remember shit.
MICHELLE: God, I hope not.
COIN: Listen, I’m sorry.
MICHELLE: It’s okay. OH GOD.
MICHELLE: I THINK I TOOK TOO MUCH. I’M REALLY, REALLY HOT!
COIN: FUCK! (Cut to Rob behind the counter at Not Eckerd’s. He’s sending a text o Jamie that says “ive made a lot of ppl angry in my life, my mom, dad, sister, sister’s husband, even rarely, myself. But ive never felt worse after making someone angry than I did after making u angry.” He then sends it. Suddenly, Coin leads a panicking, red, sweaty Michelle into the pharmacy) She’s having a bad trip, do you have any baby wipes?!
(Ryan and Michael come in with Cynthia on their shoulders. Ryan and Michael are also holding Jack Daniels bottles)
RYAN AND MICHAEL: SHE’S FOURTEEN AND SHE HAS BOOZE!
RYAN: Can we get some-SHIT, IS THAT MICHELLE?
(Coin and Michelle turn around. They both look incensed. Coin charges towards Ryan and Michael. They panic and Cynthia begins to fall off their shoulders while screaming)
(Cut to black)
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Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
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