“THE MUFFIN TOP”
“Where do I end, where do we begin, I am not sure anymore. It seems I can no longer exist as a single cell organism reproducing into solitude”
(We start with Jacob and Roger talking at a party. Jacob is holding a beer and Roger is holding a joint)
ROGER: God, mang, this party blows.
JACOB: Dude, I told you, it’s a week to go until Spring Break, people are kind of half-assing the parties. I saw a guy earlier, he only butt chugged a can of Mike’s.
ROGER: What a pussy. I saw a kid a few minutes ago, he was licking the weakest hand sanitizer I had ever seen.
JACOB: What has this world come to?
(Cut to the interior side of the front door of this house. There are people gathered near the door, talking amongst each other. Suddenly, Chris Hayes barges in to the house with Trey and Colleen)
CHRIS HAYES: Attention, everyone! (They all look at him) My sixteenth birthday was on Thursday, so I am officially declaring this my sixteenth birthday party! WOO! Let’s smoke some bong! I’m gonna go get ham from the fridge.
(Chris Hayes walks to the kitchen and Trey and Colleen walk the opposite direction. Cut back to Jacob and Roger)
JACOB: You can’t do that! You can’t just declare a completely unrelated party YOUR sixteenth birthday party!
ROGER: Where does that little shit get the balls?
(Trey and Colleen walk over)
TREY: Hey watch it, man. He’s my friend.
ROGER: Sorry, Trey.
TREY: It’s alright, man.
(Roger takes a hit of his joint)
ROGER: I’m really sorry, man, about that.
TREY: Dude, I said it’s okay.
JACOB: He has this weird thing where it’s like, the higher he gets the more he apologizes.
ROGER: Yeah, sorry if that annoys you guys.
JACOB: Dude, you’re apologizing again!
(Roger takes a hit)
ROGER: Fuck, man.
(Roger laughs, as does Trey and Jacob)
JACOB: Let me take a hit of that, man.
(Roger hands Jacob the joint and Jacob takes a hit)
TREY: Jacob, I thought you were quitting weed.
JACOB: I’m cutting down.
ROGER: Yeah, and I thought you were going to talk to your parents about joining the army.
JACOB: …Oh yeah. I forgot about that. I promised General DePinto I’d do that. But I’ve been sitting on that enchilada for damn near a month now.
ROGER: Gotta get on it, nigga.
JACOB: I know.
TREY: Why would you want to go into the army?
JACOB: Discipline, honor, all the usual reasons.
COLLEEN: I wish Trey would go into the army, just so I could see him in the uniform.
TREY: Yeah and so I wouldn’t have to see you again.
COLLEEN: You’re such a dick, Trey.
JACOB: I thought he was an (Colleen impression) asshooole.
COLLEEN: I promoted him to dick.
TREY: I have her complete confidence, though.
ROGER: Trust him, yeah we get it.
TREY: Hey, don’t interrupt my girl!
ROGER: I’m really sorry, man, I-
(Jacob and Trey start cracking up. Cut to the next day. Ethan and Kimberly are sitting at the dinner table)
ETHAN: The sequester is President Obama’s fault.
KIMBERLY: He proposed it, but Republicans approved it.
ETHAN: Democrats let them happen.
KIMBERLY: Republicans let them happen.
ETHAN: Great, are we done?
(Jacob walks in)
JACOB: Good morning.
ETHAN: It’s 2:30 PM.
JACOB: It’s 2:30 PM in the morning, maybe.
(Jacob sits down at the dinner table)
ETHAN: How’s golf, Jacob?
JACOB: Golf? Oh yeah, golf. We haven’t really talked about that in the last eleven months.
ETHAN: Yeah, well, how is it?
JACOB: It’s fine, I guess.
ETHAN: Are we gonna win state?
JACOB: Absolutely, we’re gonna win state twice. So listen, um-
KIMBERLY: So listen, um, you’re father and I have been talking about potential colleges you could go to.
ETHAN: You graduate in three months, Jacob, this is long overdue.
JACOB: Right, well, um-
ETHAN: Right, well, um, I suggested Dartmouth.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, and then I suggested that was insane.
ETHAN: Yes, and my second suggestion was Petrograd State University, where Ayn Rand went.
KIMBERLY: Community College of Vermont! Okay? It’s fifteen minutes away from here in Burlington. You can go there for a year and then go off to the college of your dreams in 2014.
ETHAN: Make that, the college Ayn your dreams.
KIMBERLY: That doesn’t make any sense.
ETHAN: Be my little Petrograduate!
JACOB: I’m not going to a college in Russia.
KIMBERLY: Thank, you CCV is much more reasonable.
JACOB: Well, I don’t know if I want to go there either.
KIMBERLY: What? Why?
JACOB: Mom, dad, I…
ETHAN: God, please don’t be coming out.
JACOB: Wha-no, I…remember three and a half months ago when we had that fire?
KIMBERLY: Yes, you want to be a firefighter?
JACOB: Stop jumping to conclusions! Okay? I told you guys about how I wanted to join the army.
ETHAN: Oh my God, this again?
JACOB: Yes! Yes, this again! A month ago, General DePinto and I agreed that if he went to AA that I would talk to you guys about joining our men and gay men in the military.
KIMBERLY: Has he held up his end of the bargain?
JACOB: I texted him last night and he said he’s been too busy drinking to go to AA right now. Then he tried to make a hash tag FML but he put the hash tag between the M and the L.
ETHAN: Then you don’t have to go into the army.
JACOB: Dad, I’ll see to it that he holds up his end. I’ll see to it PERSONALLY that he does so.
JACOB: I will make a point of it being PERSONALLY seen to.
KIMBERLY: Jacob, you really think Afghanistan is going to be a huge land of opportunity for you?
JACOB: Mom, I’m not going to set up a carpet shop in some Kabul market, I’m going to fight the enemy!
KIMBERLY: What enemy? We’re occupying Afghanistan, they have no army to fight against us, all you do over there is police the streets and look out for pissed-off opium farmers who figured out how to jam C-4 into a can of Red Bull.
ETHAN: That’s a bit of an oversimplification Kimmy, Jacob; you would be fighting an enemy. Just, a very poorly organized, poorly educated, youthful, extremely violent and explosive enemy.
JACOB: And I’m ready to do that. I will see to it, PERSONALY.
KIMBERLY: You will PERSONALLY see to GOING TO COLLEGE!
ETHAN: Kim, don’t be a snob, college is not the only option.
KIMBERLY: So now you’re supporting this grand plan?
ETHAN: I’m not supporting anything in particular; I just appreciate Jacob’s passion.
KIMBERLY: HE’S GONNA BE OUT THERE IN THE DESERT WITH NO ONE! Your mother can’t go with you to Afghanistan, Jacob.
JACOB: I-I know that!
KIMBERLY: You think Mrs. Bicart is going to be able to tell you how to avoid enemy fire, SHE’S NOT!
JACOB: I never thought she would!
ETHAN: Kimmy, you’re becoming hysterical.
JACOB: Now would be a great time for a parody of that scene from Airplane.
(Ethan slaps Jacob)
ETHAN: GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!
JACOB: HA! That’s awesome.
KIMBERLY: Jacob, YOU ARE NOT GOING INTO THE MILITARY AND THAT’S FINAL!
JACOB: Mom, this is my calling. Do you hear that? The faint whirring of a helicopter on the horizon?
KIMBERLY: Jacob, CCV is a great college. Community College of Vermont, find yourself here!
JACOB: That’s the motto of every community college ever.
KIMBERLY: Yeah and they all found themselves! But if you don’t listen to me you’ll find yourself holed up in a mountain cave in Kabul having tea with Ayman Al-Zawahiri.
JACOB: Why do you think I’d have tea with a terrorist?
KIMBERLY: Gun-point tea party, how’s that for honor?
ETHAN: Kimberly, you’re being ridiculous. Jacob has a passion; I think we should respect it. I don’t know yet if I necessarily agree with it, but we have to recognize that he can do this without our permission.
(Kimberly stands up)
KIMBERLY: APPARENTLY MY FEELINGS DON’T MATTER IN THIS FAMILY ANYMORE!
(Kimberly storms out)
ETHAN: You know your mother. If you came out as a gay soldier, she would be behind you all the way!
JACOB: I doubt it.
(Cut to following day. Ethan is at his desk at work, working on his computer. Mayor Sarandon walks past Ethan wearing a leather jacket)
MAYOR SARANDON: Morning.
ETHAN: Morning-(Looks at Sarandon) Wow.
(Mayor Sarandon goes into his office. Ethan gets up and knocks on the door)
MAYOR SARANDON: Come in! (Ethan opens the door and walks into see Mayor Sarandon wearing a leather jacket and a motorcycle helmet. He takes off his motorcycle helmet and puts it on his desk) Can I help you?
ETHAN: You were not wearing that before!
MAYOR SARANDON: The leather jacket? Yes I was.
ETHAN: No, the helmet-why do you have either?
MAYOR SARANDON: I realized yesterday that I’m 51 years old and I have never ridden a bike.
ETHAN: You’ve never ridden a motorcycle?
MAYOR SARANDON: Or a bicycle!
ETHAN: Wow, that is pretty weird.
MAYOR SARANDON: Exactly! I spent my childhood riding ass, not riding bikes.
ETHAN: Riding ass?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah! I was a hard-ass kid. I would yell at my classmates to make their finger paints more symmetrical.
ETHAN: Why did your dad not teach you to ride a bike?
MAYOR SARANDON: He said bikes were for paperboys and hippies and he said I would rule the world someday. And he was right.
(Ethan stares for a few seconds and then looks around)
ETHAN: …N-no he wasn’t.
MAYOR SARANDON: I rule the WORLD because I have a motorcycle. I bought it this morning.
ETHAN: What kind?
MAYOR SARANDON: Hiroshima.
ETHAN: You mean Kawasaki?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, sorry.
ETHAN: Wow, you didn’t even use the city that sounded similar to Kawasaki.
MAYOR SARANDON: Want to take a ride with me?
ETHAN: Not really, this sounds like a mid-life crisis.
MAYOR SARANDON: Average life expectancy for a man in America is 76; so therefore, thirty-eight would be a mid-life crisis. As for me, I got a good 25 years left, so this is more like a “I’m scared shitless of dying” crisis.
ETHAN: Right. Well, you enjoy that.
MAYOR SARANDON: Hey! Don’t cut out! You’re turning forty-eight this year, right? You’re long overdue for a mid-life crisis.
ETHAN: Trust me; I’m content with my life.
MAYOR SARANDON: When’s the last time you heard a new song on the radio and loved it?
ETHAN: Just the other day, I was listening to Imagine Dragons, it was really good.
MAYOR SARANDON: AHA!
MAYOR SARANDON: That proves you’re not youthful anymore! This is the most cynical generation ever, if you were really still young you would’ve bitched on your Twitter about that song!
MAYOR SARANDON: Exactly! (Mayor Sarandon walks over to Ethan and puts his hands on his shoulders) Ethan, we have to chase our youth while we still can.
(Cut to Ethan and Mayor Sarandon in the parking lot, looking at something off camera)
MAYOR SARANDON: Look at my hog.
ETHAN: It’s an impressive hog. (Cut to reveal it’s an actual black pig tied to a post) But why?
MAYOR SARANDON: Kids like Porky Pig, right?
ETHAN: You’re thinking way too young. Actually scratch that, you’re thinking way too old. Also, you’re thinking way too literally.
MAYOR SARANDON: FINE! You win! Let’s go to my motorcycle. (They walk over to Mayor Sarandon’s Kawasaki) This is my love child.
ETHAN: We need to keep this from the press then.
MAYOR SARANDON: It was a gift from Ellen.
ETHAN: Okay, then we actually need to keep this from the press.
MAYOR SARANDON: I heard you the first time.
ETHAN: I wasn’t being serious the first time!
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon and Ethan on the motorcycle. Ethan is holding onto the side handles while sitting behind Mayor Sarandon. They are both wearing helmets)
MAYOR SARANDON: IT’S SAFER TO HOLD ONTO MY CHEST!
ETHAN: OH, I KNOW THAT! (Cut to Ethan and Mayor Sarandon in a clothes store) What are we doing here?
MAYOR SARANDON: We’re going to get some new threads that say “we know we’re old, but we can still look fresh”.
ETHAN: Maybe we should go to a thrift shop!
MAYOR SARANDON: See? If you were a real youth you’d hate that song.
(A female employee walks over)
EMPLOYEE: Mr. Mayor! It’s an honor to have you here, sir.
(Mayor Sarandon shakes her hand, as does Ethan)
MAYOR SARANDON: The pleasure is pretty evenly divided between the two of us, with a slight majority on your side. Anyway, where can I find some of those jeans that have crosses on the buttocks?
ETHAN: Whoa, I don’t know if you could pull THAT off, Mr. Mayor.
MAYOR SARANDON: I’ll pull you off! Where are those jeans?
EMPLOYEE: Right this way, Mr. Mayor.
(The employee leads them down an aisle)
MAYOR SARANDON: This is exciting!
(Cut to Madeline and Oliver in an elevator)
OLIVER: So they do like, voodoo right?
MADELINE: No, it’s Hypnosis, it’s all very natural and homeopathic.
OLIVER: Don’t just say new age buzzwords you found on business cards, alright?
MADELINE: Then don’t dismiss Hypnosis as voodoo!
(The elevator door opens and Madeline and Oliver exit it to see the front door of an office labeled “STARA INSTITUTE FOR ADVANCED HYPNOSIS (Don’t look at this for too long)”)
MADELINE: Let’s go inside.
(Madeline opens the door and the two walk inside. They go to the receptionist’s desk)
RECEPTIONIST: How can I help you?
MADELINE: I’m here to see Kelsey and Melody.
RECEPTIONIST: Oh, yes, they’re here.
(Kelsey and Melody walk out of their offices and walk up to Madeline)
MADELINE: Kelsey! Melody!
(They hug each other and then un-hug)
MELODY: Why did it take you two months to get up here to Providence?
MADELINE: College stuff, I guess. I’m so busy!
OLIVER: Yeah, my business sunk too, so that’s kept her busy.
KELSEY: I’m sorry to hear that. Are you stressed out about it?
OLIVER: Oh Jesus. No, not really.
KELSEY: Listen intently to the sound of my voice.
OLIVER: Are we really doing this?
MELODY: It’s happening.
MADELINE: Submit. I mean, it’ll be fun!
(Oliver sits down in a nearby chair, as do the rest of them)
KELSEY: Listen closely to the sound of my voice. I want you to close your eyes. (He closes his eyes) But not-URRGH, not right away! (Oliver opens his eyes, somewhat perplexed) Thanks. Just, find a spot on the ceiling that you can stare at. (Oliver looks at a spot on the ceiling) Examine the spot. Think about the shape, the size and the texture of the spot. NOW close your eyes. (He closes his eyes) But keep looking at where that spot is. Imagine the spot. Give the spot a name. A profession. A religion. A family. A deep set of flaws, insecurities, grievances, a sense of humor and a soul. But now let it all go.
(Oliver opens his eyes)
OLIVER: I’m sorry, this isn’t working, this is just stressing me out more. (Oliver stands up) I have to use the restroom.
(He walks away)
MADELINE: Sorry, he’s just…he’s under a lot of strain right now.
MELODY: He acts as if we just had one of our fat hypnotists try to entrance him.
KELSEY: Yeah, they’re not very effective. Not to mention the Asian hypnotist with the ponytail.
MELODY: Exactly, people like a woman’s voice. Unless-is your boyfriend gay?
MADELINE: What? No.
KELSEY: Can’t crack this case!
MADELINE: So…are you guys going to train me to become a hypnosis star?
MELODY: Of course, honey. Kelsey, you want to take this?
KELSEY: Yeah, I guess. But then again, I apparently can’t hypnotize for shit!
MADELINE: Oliver’s not easy to phase.
KELSEY: I didn’t even get to the part where I wink! (Kelsey turns to Madeline) Here’s what you’re going to need on this journey, Maddie. (She takes out a pocket watch) This is everything to you.
MADELINE: An outdated technology for telling time?
KELSEY: If we were Klingons, this would be out light saber. Our hypnosis would be our Jedi Mind meld. Chewbacca.
MADELINE: I get it.
KELSEY: Then take this pocket watch and hypnotize me.
(Kelsey hands the pocket watch to Madeline)
MADELINE: So, I swing this in front of people, right?
KELSEY: Yes you do. (She winks) Got it?
(Suddenly, Madeline is sleeping. Then, she wakes up)
MADELINE: Huh-what? God, how did you do that?
KELSEY: The power of the wink. It’s convivial and cutesy! You have to relax them by whispering sweet somethings in their ear. That’s what men like. It doesn’t really matter what you say to them, as long as you’re whispering something. For example, GARRETT, GET OVER HERE!
(A guy in a closed hoodie, cargo shorts, a chinstrap beard and a a baseball cap walks over)
KELSEY: This is my boyfriend Garret.
GARRETT: Former current boyfriend.
KELSEY: I’m going to hypnotize you, Garrett.
KELSEY: Sit down, please.
(Garrett sits down, as does Kelsey and Madeline)
KELSEY: Please close your eyes. (Garrett closes his eyes and she starts whispering) You are walking through a dense meadow. Deer scurry, obscured by trees. Cornholers sing songs of baklava in the trees above you. Will Arnett slits his wrists and the blood slowly streams into a deer’s mouth as the deer is slowly masturbated by John Heder’s cousin. (Garret falls asleep) See? He didn’t comprehend what I just said, but he liked the tenor of my voice so much that he just listened to its sopranos and drifted into a deep slumber.
MADELINE: So impressive.
(Garret wakes up)
KELSEY: Madeline! You woke him up!
GARRET: There’s a game of catch on TV right now, I’m gonna watch it in the break room.
(Garret stands up and walks away)
KELSEY: He loves his sports games.
MADELINE: Since when do they broadcast games of catch?
KELSEY: But do you get the idea?
MADELINE: I guess. But what about the pocket watch?
KELSEY: Well, its pendulous swing can gorgonize any man, no matter their race!
MADELINE: Who said anything about their race?
KELSEY: Follow the pocket watch. (She swings the pocket watch to and fro, and Madeline follows it with her eyes) You are getting very sleepy. Veeeeeeery sleepy. (Madeline is indeed getting sleepy) The key to good hypnosis is patience; do not get impatient waiting for someone to drift…
MADELINE: (Whispering) You kind of snapped at Oliver earlier-
KELSEY: Shhhh, remain passive. Do not question my methods. Just allow yourself to drift along in a state of reverie. (She falls asleep) There are several tools at your disposal when performing hypnosis. Such as reassurance, gratuitous compliments and extended metaphors. Just allow yourself to drift along and let hypnosis happen. Remain completely dazed. In the morning you will wake up feeling like you just had 128 hours of uninterrupted, almost tantric sleep. You will feel positive, vivacious and full of life and you will smile at everyone you see. You will smile at people you know, people you don’t know, which will freak them out, and you will even smile at animals. Also, animals you don’t know. Also, animals you kind of know, but it’s not like you guys hang out or anything. You sound good. You feel good. You look good. You ARE good. Jesus Christ himself looks at you and he’s like…”damn. I gotta get me one of those.” Take that through the day. Now imagine your mind is a crowded department store. Shoppers are going in and out, beliefs are welcomed, accepted, bartered, compromised, traded in for cash and stored for future use. Thoughts scurry about like mothers dashing for the last soon-to-be chocolate-stained shirt in the baby section. I guess in this case, the items would be…brain cells? I don’t know, I haven’t really planned this out.
(Cut to General DePinto whittling on his back porch. Jacob is sitting near him)
GENERAL DEPINTO: How was school?
JACOB: It was uh…fine. I got a bloody nose during second period.
GENERAL DEPINTO: I got a bloody nose during Vietnam.
JACOB: Wow, so we’re just diving right in, huh?
GENERAL DEPINTO: I’m just saying that I got a bloody nose during Vietnam; I’m not saying anything about how you should join the army!
JACOB: If the story really is that you got a bloody nose during Vietnam then it’s a really uninteresting story, secondly, you have to enter AA before I go into the army!
GENERAL DEPINTO: Fine! I’ll enter Alcoholics Anonymous! It sounds pretty cool, actually.
JACOB: Why? (Cut to General DePinto and Jacob standing in the lobby of an Alcoholics Anonymous. General DePinto is wearing the anonymous mask) Yeah, that’s not what anonymous is.
GENERAL DEPINTO: I went on the internet yesterday.
JACOB: Was it your first time?
(General DePinto takes off the mask)
GENERAL DEPINTO: Let’s just get this over with.
(DePinto and Jacob walk up to the receptionist)
JACOB: This is my shaky-handed uncle Noah; he needs help for drinky-drinky disease.
GENERAL DEPINTO: I’m not his uncle and I’m only doing this so he’ll join the army.
RECEPTIONIST: Well, whatever reason you’re doing it is fine, as long as you’re getting help.
GENERAL DEPINTO: I can already tell I’m going to hate this place.
RECEPTIONIST: Come with me on the tour.
JACOB: Can I come on the tour?
RECEPTIONIST: Uh, I guess.
(They walk down a hallway and they come to a set of portraits on the wall of Doctors Bill Wilson and Bob Smith)
RECEPTIONIST: These are Doctors Bill Wilson and Bob Smith, the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous.
JACOB: Those names sound made up, are you sure they weren’t just trying to remain anonymous?
RECEPTIONIST: Anyway, (They walk a few feet down the hall to a portrait of a woman) this is the first female member of AA, Florence Rankin. She joined in 1937.
GENERAL DEPINTO: What an accomplishment.
JACOB: (Laughs) Yeah, she really shattered that glass ceiling.
GENERAL DEPINTO: With a bottle of jack.
RECEPTIONIST: Okay, little one, you should leave.
JACOB: I’m eighteen years old.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Don’t worry, Jacob. I’ve got it from here. Go convince your parents to give you their blessing.
JACOB: Yes sir!
(Jacob walks away. Cut to Kimberly watching the Hansbay Action News with Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury)
PATRICK WHITE: Cardinal Keith O’Brien of Scotland, who resigned last week over a scandal in which he allegedly had sex with four men studying to be priests, released a statement reading “there have been times that my sexual conduct has fallen below the standards expected of me as a priest, archbishop and cardinal." The standards of sexual conduct expected of him were, according to sources, no sexual conduct whatsoever.
(Jacob walks in)
JACOB: Hey mom.
KIMBERLY: Hey Jacob.
JACOB: Why is it that our local news is on 24/7 and only reports national stories?
KIMBERLY: What do you want, Jacob?
JACOB: Are you mad at me?
KIMBERLY: Just, picturing you in the army upsets me. I don’t know why you insist on doing this to me.
JACOB: Mom, It’s not an attempt to hurt you, it’s…a duty. A calling.
KIMBERLY: Why?! Because Call of War Black Gears told you it was?!
JACOB: No, because-well, those games are awesome, but no, it’s more than that, joining the army is like a free ticket to travel the world!
KIMBERLY: You don’t see the world by joining the military, Jacob!
JACOB: I could go to a wine tasting in Kandahar and maybe in a couple of years, a beach blowout in Tabriz.
(Kimberly gets up)
KIMBERLY: This is exactly it, Jacob! War is not how video games portray it! And definitely stop thinking it’s like the Travelocity gnome in a turban, it’s hot as hell and violent as fuck!
JACOB: Fine, I get it, it’s dangerous! But there are people who go to war, mom! People lay their lives down on the line for this country every day!
KIMBERLY: Yeah, and we honor them with the peace of mind that none of those people will ever be someone we love!
JACOB: But people in the military have loved ones!
KIMBERLY: YEAH BUT THEY’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ME!
JACOB: OH I SEE! Now it’s all clear! Everybody but me! What if there’s a draft?!
KIMBERLY: What if there’s a GIRAFFE?! We’re all asking questions here!
JACOB: You are being COMPLETELY irrational.
KIMBERLY: Jacob! Stop it!
(Kimberly sits down)
KIMBERLY: Leave me alone.
JACOB: You’re being immature.
KIMBERLY: I want to be alone right now, Jacob.
JACOB: Mom, don’t be like this.
KIMBERLY: Jacob, leave before I REALLY get mad.
JACOB: God, fine.
(Jacob walks away. Cut to Jacob on his computer. He types “Army Recruitment Hansbay, Vermont” into Google and then sits back, just looking at it. Cut to General DePinto in Alcoholics Anonymous in a circle discussion headed up by Mr. Proskovec)
MR.PROSKOVEC: Hi guys, I’m Mr. Proskovec-
ALL OF THEM IN UNISON: Hi, Mr. Proskovec.
MR. PROSKOVEC: That’s so weird, I didn’t even ask for you guys to greet people in unison like that.
MEMBER: I guess we just kind of assumed.
MR. PROSKOVEC: Yeah. Anyway, I also do rehab work with teens addicted to drugs and alcohol, so I might know some of your shithead sons.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Do you know Ryan Donahue?
MR. PROSKOVEC: Yeah, he’s one of my patients.
GENERAL DEPINTO: Yeah, he’s my friend’s brother.
MR. PROSKOVEC: He’s a grade A E-tard. But only a Grade B Xanax fiend. Anyway, does anyone want to share their experiences with alcoholism?
FEMALE MEMBER: Well-
MR. PROSKOVEC: That story’s too long, Jenny. Noah, why are you here?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Well, I promised my eighteen year old friend Jacob that if he tried to convince his parents to let him join the army I would go to AA.
MR.PROSKOVEC: So you’re here on a bet?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Not really a bet, more like a promise.
MR.PROSKOVEC: When did you make the promise?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Super Bowl Sunday.
MR.PROSKOVEC: Sounds like you bet on the 49ers.
GENERAL DEPINTO: How is it a bet if we both have to do something?
MR.PROSKOVEC: Does Jacob want to join the army?
GENERAL DEPINTO: …Yes, he’s just been procrastinating.
MR.PROSKOVEC: Do you want to be here right now?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Well of course not-
MR.PROSKOVEC: It sounds like you’re getting the short end of the stick here, General.
GENERAL DEPINTO: No, I’m just fulfilling my promise. I don’t think I have a drinking problem.
MR.PROSKOVEC: Really? Do you drink alone?
GENERAL DEPINTO: Fine, I’m an alcoholic!
MR.PROSKOVEC: Wow, you admitted that way faster than I thought you would.
GENERAL DEPINTO: But AA never helped anyone! 75% of AA members drop out in the first year!
MR.PROSKOVEC: But 100% of members…relapse.
GENERAL DEPINTO: I really thought that next part was going to be positive.
MR.PROSKOVEC: Yeah, well…listen, this is what I’ll say, if Jacob goes into the army without getting a proper secondary education, when he comes back, he might be looking at PTSD, homelessness and restless leg syndrome. Keep that in mind. Now let’s continue. Alcoholism is a disease. A really, really fun disease, but a disease nonetheless-
(The camera zooms in on General DePinto’s concerned face. Cut to Mayor Sarandon wearing Hurley Jeans and aviators while standing in the clothes store they were at. Ethan is standing nearby wearing a tasteful gray suit with black shoes, a white and pink-striped shirt and black tie)
MAYOR SARANDON: Check out these aves, boy.
ETHAN: You look like Kim Jong Il with those on.
MAYOR SARANDON: Damnit! I was trying to go for Kim Jong Un so I could be friends with Dennis Rodman!
ETHAN: Yeah, what was that about?
(Mayor Sarandon takes off his glasses)
MAYOR SARANDON: Right?
ETHAN: It’s like, he crushes dissent, he jails his opponents, he lets his own people starve and from the looks of it he eats some of his prisoners too, but despite his flaws, deep down, he’s a good, humble man. Kim Jong Un is twenty-eight, maybe they have sleepovers and play XBOX live together and tell each other secrets and compare dick sizes.
MAYOR SARANDON: I think I know who would win. I can understand Kim Jong Un liking Dennis Rodman, but Dennis Rodman liking Kim Jong Un?! “Hey Kim, I loved you as the Boy Scout in Up.”
(They laugh as an employee walks over)
EMPLOYEE: Can I help you with anything?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, do these (he turns around to show the crosses on the back pockets extend all the way down to heels) look good?
EMPLOYEE: Wow, is that Hurley?
ETHAN: It looks terrible, right?
EMPLOYEE: I would say it’s a little much.
MAYOR SARANDON: You’re insane! (He turns around) Ethan’s look is the one that’s crazy! He looks so old.
ETHAN: Not really, I think it’s a tasteful shirt.
EMPLOYEE: I agree, I love the white and pink.
MAYOR SARANDON: Speaking of white and pink.
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon and Ethan at a bar. They’re both in their new outfits)
ETHAN: Brian, this is a bar at three in the afternoon on a Monday. There is not going to be any tail here. Plus, I’m married.
MAYOR SARANDON: Doesn’t mean I can’t have fun. Remember, we’re not our actual ages. How old are you?
ETHAN: Um, I guess I’ll be 37.
MAYOR SARANDON: No, you’re 42 at least.
ETHAN: Fine, I’m 42. How old are you?
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m 35.
ETHAN: HA! You couldn’t pass for fifty!
MAYOR SARANDON: That is unfair-
(The bartender walks over)
BARTENDER: What can I get you boys?
MAYOR SARANDON: I’ll have your youthiest drink.
MAYOR SARANDON: I want a drink young people drink.
BARTENDER: Young people drink alcohol.
MAYOR SARANDON: Fine, put some Sunny D in there at least.
BARTENDER: Fine, vodka and Sunny D. You, sir?
ETHAN: I’ll have water.
MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan, c’mon, it’s gotta be 3:30 somewhere.
ETHAN: That wouldn’t be much better, but fine, I’ll have a Shiner.
BARTENDER: Okay, but I’m going to need to see some ID.
MAYOR SARANDON: WHAT?
ETHAN: HA! Who looks youthful now?
(Ethan takes out his ID and hands it to the bartender, who looks at it and hands it back to Ethan, who puts it back in his wallet)
BARTENDER: Wow, November 4, 1965? Never would’ve guessed.
(Bartender starts making the drinks)
MAYOR SARANDON: How do you do it?
ETHAN: It’s the suit, Brian. I feel like Joel McHale in this suit.
MAYOR SARANDON: What about my jeans?
ETHAN: They’re a little gaudy is the problem.
MAYOR SARANDON: Oh yeah? You see that chick over there?
(He points to a hot chick in a nice dress sitting at the bar with a Martini and texting)
ETHAN: Yeah, I do, it’s kind of weird that she’s here though considering it’s Monday at 3PM. And she’s in a dress.
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m going to pick her up. (Mayor Sarandon walks over and sits down next to the girl) Hi there, girl. Did it hurt when you fell from the ‘bove, floating effortlessly on a cloud of condensation and love? Landing unceremoniously and fastigiating yourself as the iconoclast of my heart? I wrote that.
(The girl looks up from texting)
MAYOR SARANDON: …’Sup?
GIRL: Gross, how old are you?
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m 35.
GIRL: Wow, you aged really poorly. I’m out of here. (The girl picks up her purse, gets up and looks to the right) KELLY! OH MY GAWD!
(She walks into the bathroom, excited and waving her arms)
ETHAN: Wow, I guess lying about your age has its setbacks.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah.
ETHAN: It doesn’t seem like she was talking to anybody at the end there.
MAYOR SARANDON: Goddamnit, how am I going to seem young now?
ETHAN: I think we have to “set the world on fire” or something.
MAYOR SARANDON: We’ll grow higher than the sun.
ETHAN: No, it’s burn brighter than the sun.
MAYOR SARANDON: Oh yeah, that makes much more sense. You know what? Let’s get out of this watering hole, this filthy old dive.
MAYOR SARANDON: This hole in the wall.
(They leave, just as the bartender sets down their drinks)
BARTENDER: WHAT THE FUCK?
(Cut to Ethan and Mayor Sarandon sitting at a bar at a rave club. There is loud dub step playing in the background and many lights flashing everywhere)
MAYOR SARANDON: SEE HOW FUN THIS IS?!
ETHAN: IT’S REALLY LOUD IN HERE!!
MAYOR SARANDON: BARKEEP!
(A dude with a bunch of piercings comes over)
PIERCED BARKEEP: YEAH, BRO?
MAYOR SARANDON: GET ME A SUNNY D AND VODKA, I NEED ANOTHER!
ETHAN: I FEEL LIKE THIS PLACE IS GOING TO GIVE ME A BRAIN TUMOR…SOMEHOW!
PIERECED BARKEEP: YOU GOT IT, BRO!
MAYOR SARANDON: YOU HEAR THAT? BRO? I’M YOUNG!
(Cut to Madeline asleep on the couch. Kelsey is talking to her, still)
KELSEY: I hate to harp on this, but you look and feel fantastic.
(Madeline wakes up)
MADELINE: Ugh, what? Damnit, you hypnotized me again?
KELSEY: Yes, Madeline. Again. Except this time I filled your subconscious mind with everything you need to know to hypnotize someone else. So, who do you want to hypnotize first? Maybe my boyfriend?
MADELINE: Um, no-
KELSEY: So I can have sex with him?
MADELINE: I’d rather not, how about just my boyfriend?
KELSEY: Fine, that little Mulligrubs is over there on the couch over there.
(Madeline walks over to Oliver, whose texting furiously on the couch. Madeline sits down next to him)
OLIVER: Duplicit had a LOT of potential and if that vindictive Jew hadn’t have FUCKED me like that, I could’ve-
OLIVER: Don’t shush me, I’m gonna-
MADELINE: Shh. Oliver, put away your phone.
OLIVER: But…IT SUSTAINS ME.
MADELINE: I know, put away what sustains you. (Oliver reluctantly puts his phone in his pocket) Now listen only to the sound of my voice.
OLIVER: Oh boy.
MADELINE: Don’t act like a 1950s sitcom star, just listen to me.
OLIVER: Oh doggie.
MADELINE: Close your eyes, please. (He closes his eyes) I want you to imagine that you’re walking on a warm and sandy beach. The sand sifts between your toes. You feel the warmness all around you. It hugs you, almost, like a hug. The waves come crashing ashore, the people yell things like, “Hey Oliver! Nice shirt with the buttons!”
(Oliver laughs and opens his eyes, Madeline laughs too)
OLIVER: This is a cardigan, not a shirt.
OLIVER: Maddie, is this really what you want to do for a living?
OLIVER: Are you sure?
MADELINE: I promise it.
OLIVER: Okay. Then I support you. Are they going to hire you?
MADELINE: Eventually, after some training. Once I figure out how to hypnotize you I’ll consider my task on Earth complete.
OLIVER: And you’ll return to Planet Maddie.
MADELINE: (Laughs) Yes.
(Kelsey runs over)
KELSEY: HELP! There’s a man going into cardiac arrest! He needs hypnotism NOW!
(Madeline and Oliver stand up)
MADELINE: OH MY GOD, ARE YOU CRAZY? DO CPR!
KELSEY: AHA! That was a test! You can’t do hypnosis on the spot!
OLIVER: Jesus, what is wrong with you?!
MADELINE: Why would someone need emergency hypnosis?
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon on the morning of March 5, 2013. He wakes up in his bedroom with numerous bottle of alcohol and energy drinks surrounding him. His head clearly hurts and he wakes up next to a girl in her early twenties wearing only a bra and panties. She has brown hair, a belly-button piercing and a muffin-top)
MAYOR SARANDON: Jesus Christ, what did I do last night? And why-(pan to the right to reveal his motorcycle is parked in the room) is my motorcycle in here?
(The chick wakes up)
CHICK: Hi, there.
MAYOR SARANDON: And why did I fuck Leena Dunham?
MAYOR SARANDON: Nothing.
CHICK: I had fun and stuff.
MAYOR SARANDON: That’s great.
CHICK: I stole five-hundred dollars from your wallet to cover some of my student loan debt, is that okay?
MAYOR SARANDON: That’s honest first of all, and secondly, yeah that’s fine.
CHICK: Thanks. Got four dollars by the way? I need to buy a Venom.
MAYOR SARANDON: Jesus, fine.
(Mayor Sarandon takes four dollars out of his wallet and hands it to the chick)
CHICK: Thanks, bye.
(The chick gets up and walks out of the bedroom. Mayor Sarandon takes his remote and turns on the TV to see they’re airing a rerun of “Matlock”)
MAYOR SARANDON: You know, I’m beginning to think youth might not be the greatest thing in the world.
VOICE FROM THE TV: Ointment!
(Cut to Jacob, Ethan and Kimberly at the dinner table)
JACOB: Mom, dad-
ETHAN: Hugo Chavez died, I know.
JACOB: No, that’s not why I gathered you here.
ETHAN: It’s too bad, I mean, how does the Venezuelan revoluccion continue without him?
KIMBERLY: I mean, he had to die eventually, right? Is the revolution contingent on his existence?
ETHAN: Well, hopefully socialism dies with him.
KIMBERLY: The Vice President of Venezuela says someone poisoned him with cancer.
ETHAN: Yeah! That’s how it works, you’re at a bar one moment, someone slips some cancer into your drink, the next morning you wake up in a stranger’s bed and your cells are metastasized.
KIMBERLY: Sorry honey, what?
JACOB: I just got off the phone with General DePinto and we worked out a compromise. We think it would be beneficial if I went to CCV and another college for one, two or possibly more years and then, after that, I should go into the military. That way, I have an education when I come back from Afghanistan, Iran or North Korea.
ETHAN: See, Kimberly? Reasonable compromise!
KIMBERLY: He’s still eventually going to be in the military though!
ETHAN: Yeah, well I think it shows poise and composure and patriotism, and don’t get me wrong, I’m hesitant and scared too, but it’s grown on me. He can do this without our permission, why don’t we just give it to him?
KIMBERLY: …I don’t like it, but…I suppose it’s not up to me. I’ll respect your decision.
JACOB: Thank you! Thank you so much, guys!
(Jacob gets up and hugs Ethan. He then hugs Kimberly, who hugs him very tight)
KIMBERLY: Be safe when you’re there, okay?
JACOB: I will.
KIMBERLY: Don’t let any of those insurgents make fun of you!
JACOB: I think I’ll have bigger concerns. (They eventually stop hugging and all sit down) By the way, General DePinto texted me that he (looks at his phone) “Met up with Mayor Sarandon at some hip dive that me and my AA buds hit last night and he totally went home with a twenty-three year old dame who would have a muffin top in sweatpants”, is that true?
(Ethan puts his head on the dinner table in exhaustion. Fade to black)
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Script / Humor
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
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