“THE GEOGRAPHY OF SPRING BREAK”
“The east coast or the west coast? I prefer my America to have both”
(We start with Ethan driving with Kimberly in the car. They have bags in the back seat)
ETHAN: You know, they say California knows how to party, but what they don’t tell you is it also knows how to go into bankruptcy.
KIMBERLY: Save it, okay? California’s a beautiful place.
ETHAN: Why couldn’t we have just gone to your relatives’ house in Boston?
KIMBERLY: I already went there two months ago. But why would you want to see my relatives? That’s not how most husbands from TV commercials would act.
ETHAN: I don’t know, they’re just so closely knit and structured and perfect and not faggy and UGGHHH, I want that!
KIMBERLY: It’s okay, Ethan. California’s a care-free place. Plus, the homeless people get to warm themselves with the fine journalism of the Los Angeles Times.
ETHAN: I don’t know, California seems filled with smug and supercilious movie stars pontificating about the environment and gun laws.
KIMBERLY: While making movies where bullets rip people in half and set them on fire.
ETHAN: All those burning bodies sure do cause a lot of pollution.
KIMBERLY: Yeah. But hey, we’re going on vacation for four days, let’s just enjoy it.
ETHAN: You’re right. That’s why in accordance with the new TSA rules regarding knives, (Ethan pulls a machete out of his boot) I brought my machete!
(Kimberly takes the machete)
KIMBERLY: Give me that! You know, the new rules don’t go into effect until next month! Plus, this is definitely still not allowed.
ETHAN: I just wanted to cut the peaches from the peach trees of California, my peach.
KIMBERLY: Just don’t.
(Cut to a man sitting in between Ethan and Kimberly on the plane in coach. He looks perfectly comfortable tapping around on his iPad. Ethan has the window seat and they both look annoyed. The man looks over to Ethan and points at his iPad)
MAN: Playin’ Bejewled!
(Ethan nods his head. The man hands the iPad to Kimberly)
MAN: I gotta go to the bathroom. Keep my score up, I’ll be in there a while.
(The man gets up and walks down the aisle. Kimberly starts playing the game)
KIMBERLY: Why did that wretched man insist he sit between us?!
ETHAN: I know, right?! We kept saying “have the window seat, we insist” but no, he said he was “playing bejeweled”.
KIMBERLY: If you would’ve booked earlier, we would’ve gotten seats next to each other!
ETHAN: We would’ve gotten window seats next to each other if I had anything to say about it!
KIMBERLY: You did have something to say about it!
ETHAN: But, I was slaving over paperwork at work, work!
KIMBERLY: I know, I know, I know, but it’s like, meet me in the middle! Tow the line a little bit!
ETHAN: I’m trying to, but I’m the only one with a real job in this family-why do you-why do you keep playing?!
KIMBERLY: This man worked hard for this score, I don’t want him to get upset!
ETHAN: Oh my God. (Ethan takes it from her and sets it down in the man’s seat) This California trip better be worth it, because I am stressed to the brim.
KIMBERLY: You think I don’t have stress?!
ETHAN: I never said you didn’t!
(The man comes back)
MAN: You promised!
KIMBERLY: No I didn’t, you just passed it to me!
MAN: Cruel fate! (Get on his knees) BEJEWLED!
ETHAN: You are a silly, silly man.
(Cut to Ryan, Brennan and Michael in Ryan’s car, which he is driving. They look excited and Brennan is sitting in the front seat while Michael is in the back. They are listening to “Suffering in Solace” by Devil’s Niece really loudly and Ryan is head banging while driving)
DEVIL’S NIECE: EVERY TIME I FIND MYELF IN THE DEPTHS OF A PIT SO DEEP AND WIDE THAT JAGUARS LEAP AND ABOUND THE TIDE TO FIND A RIDE JUST TO FIND OUT HOW I DIED INSIDE, BUT I WON’T LET THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS STALL US, BECAUSE I’M SUFFERING IN SOLACE!
BRENNAN AND MICHAEL: RYAN!
(Ryan turns down the radio)
RYAN: SILENCE! What?! Do you want?! God!
BRENNAN: You’re head banging while driving, that’s really dangerous.
RYAN: You know what else is dangerous? Not letting me finish the song, it’s like getting blue balls on a song! God, don’t you care? You’re giving me blue balls!
MICHAEL: Just focus on driving, please.
RYAN: So, this is going to be the best, I can’t wait to meet them again. In fact, I could use this as an opportunity to promote Depraved Hallway Fern! People jumping around and sweating in loud places like to be sold to, right?
BRENNAN: Yeah, you can corner the sweaty market.
RYAN: Oh, I’ll corner them alright. I’ll corner them.
MICHAEL: Isn’t that like selling weed to a…weed concert?
RYAN: Great comparison.
BRENNAN: Wait, it’s like selling a rug to a rug store! Or telling moviegoers about your YouTube video, it just won’t work.
RYAN: Can’t hurt.
MICHAEL: May hurt.
BRENNAN: Your pride.
RYAN: You guys are hurting my balls right now!
MICHAEL: Why do you always think we’re hurting your balls?!
RYAN: Just, calm down, we’re entering Montpelier. I guarantee you, this will be the most fun you guys have ever had.
BRENNAN: I’m just glad we’re getting all this fun in before North Korea drops nuclear bombs on us.
RYAN: Well, if they drop nuclear bombs on us, they’ll just have to bomb us again half an hour later.
MICHAEL: That’s why we bombed Japan twice.
RYAN: I just don’t get it, North Korea has this bellicose attitude but their bombs can’t reach us, they’re all starving and their leader is a 28-year old chubster who’s friends with Dennis Rodman but apparently is also willing to let Dennis Rodman evaporate in a nuclear holocaust along with everyone else.
MICHAEL: I guess if you feed your people enough lies for long enough, you begin to believe your birth WAS foretold by a swallow and that said swallow can daintily carry a nuclear bomb with some of its friends and level Manhattan.
BRENNAN: But North Korea’s become so recalcitrant that not even China has their back anymore. They voted for the sanctions. North Korea ripped apart its ceasefire with South Korea, they have a pact with Syria, which also has the friendship of Iran, World War III is lying in wait.
RYAN: I’m sure the United Nations will fix it….right?
(Cut to Jacob driving his Buick Century with Kirsten in the front seat and Trey, Colleen, Chris Hayes and Roger in the back seats)
JACOB: WOO! Colorado here we come! I’m ready to have the cannabis sativa in ME-va!
KIRSTEN: We’ve been dating on and off for ten months, and your oil change light has always been on.
JACOB: Your point?
KIRSTEN: My point is you should rectify that, take it to a mechanic.
JACOB: Wait, does a car need oil? I thought it was optional, like kind of a vanity thing.
COLLEEN: Thank you! I’ve been telling that to Trey forever!
KIRSTEN: People can’t even see it, how could it possibly be a vanity thing?
JACOB: It’s like, “Oh! Look at me, my oil change light isn’t on, doop-a-doop-a-doo!”
KIRSTEN: No, it’s really important to get your oil changed. At the next mechanic we see, we’re doing it.
JACOB: We’re just outside of the Adirondacks, we’re not going to see a mechanic for miles-
(The Buick starts smoking and the everyone except Colleen reacts viscerally)
KIRSTEN: Jesus Christ!
CHRIS HAYES: Oh doggy!
JACOB: Holy shit!
COLLEEN: What’s that smell?
(Jacob starts slowing down)
JACOB: Do you not see the smoke?!
COLLEEN: It’s probably Trey! He’s so smokin’!
TREY: Colleeen! Shut up! This is serious!
COLLEEN: I try to compliment you once and you just…hate me!
(Jacob pulls to the side of the road and gets out of the car, along with Kirsten, Trey and Chris Hayes. Jacob opens the hood)
JACOB: Fuck me! We need to suffocate the smoke, give me your purse!
(Jacob grabs her purse and starts hitting the engine with it)
KIRSTEN: What the hell are you doing?! Give me that!
JACOB: Calm down, Kirsten, you’re a hero!
(Kirsten snatches the purse back and brushes it off)
KIRSTEN: We need someone good with cars to deal with this.
JACOB: You’re right.
(Colleen comes out of the car)
COLLEEN: Trey, you could fix it. I trust you.
TREY: Yeah, I uh…let me look at the uh…bonnet? (He takes a cursory glance at the engine) Yeah, that’s smoky. Um…clearly, the…caravan capacitator is…down. In T minus ten seconds, it’s gonna go belly up. You know, (clears throat) it’s just, not a-(He snorts loudly) I uh, gonna be a thousand dollar fix. At least. You know, (he coughs) inflation and all that jazz.
KIRSTEN: What are the tools we need?
KIRSTEN: This is hopeless.
CHRIS HAYES: Yo, check this out. (Points to an abandoned ice cream truck by the side of the road) We can hot box the shit out this ice cream truck! Is that dry ice or is Winter coming? Pot winter. It’s gonna be mighty cold. Let’s cold box it, who’s with me?
JACOB: That was a long walk around the block and you had nothing to offer at the end.
COLLEEN: Ooh, maybe they have Dum Dums!
ROGER: Nigga, I’ve been DYING for some Flintstone push up pops since the trip started!
KIRSTEN: Really? We passed by like 13 Braum’s on the way here.
ROGER: Whatevs, Kirsten! I didn’t realize it until just now.
CHRIS HAYES: Let’s check it out, it’s freezing!
(They all run over to it. It is noticeably shabby and inside there are rips on the seats and smudges on the windows. The back of the truck has a bumper sticker reading “GORE/LIEBERMAN 2000”)
JACOB: Wow, this is pretty…molestery.
(They climb in)
ROGER: Dude, this shit could work though. All we need is to cross the wires, which my brother taught me to do, and then we’ll blaze down to Denver, and let ice cream-hungry stoners follow us like Moses through the desert.
(Chris Hayes opens a freezer)
CHRIS HAYES: There’s no ice cream in here, it’s all melted.
ROGER: Doesn’t matter, they’ll follow us for so long they’ll forget why they came. And then we’ll have weed! God’s medicine.
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly in their hotel. Ethan has his white robe on with the initials “S.B.” and is sitting on the bed while Kimberly unpacks)
ETHAN: Uhh! This, this, robe is fantastic! Ohhh! What is this, Velveeta rabbit fur?
KIMBERLY: Like, the cheese?
ETHAN: Velvet I said! Oghh! I feel like I was taken down the rabbit hole and I am not coming back, OGGGH!
KIMBERLY: Stop making that noise! Help me unpack.
ETHAN: You’re just jealous I’m relaxed. Honey, you better relax!
(Kimberly turns around to face Ethan)
KIMBERLY: Fine. OGGGHHH! OGHGHHH! This isn’t working.
ETHAN: You can’t just make the noise and expect the relaxation to come upon you.
KIMBERLY: Then give me a robe!
ETHAN: This is the only one they had. And I usurped it until the end of time. However, we can do something relaxing.
KIMBERLY: Ooh, good idea. Where are we gonna go? The Spa La Merigot La Merigot?
ETHAN: Les’ go!
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly standing in the middle of Universal Studios with big crowds)
KIMBERLY: How did this happen?
ETHAN: I said “les go”, I didn’t say where.
KIMBERLY: How is this relaxing? We’re surrounded by overweight dads with their snot-nosed kids and their snot-nosed wives!
ETHAN: Seriously, get that woman a Kleenex®™©™ tissue! But have no fear, Jimmy Fallon is here!
(Jimmy Fallon’s laugh is heard faintly in the background)
KIMBERLY: What was that squeaky pre-pubescent snicker?
ETHAN: Unlike Snickers, Jimmy Fallon never satisfies.
JIMMY FALLON: (Offscreen) Aw, come on!
ETHAN: Let’s go to the Jimmy Fallon Universal Studios tour-stravaganza!
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly on the tour train with other people)
KIMBERLY: I can’t wait to meet Mr. Fallon!
ETHAN: I can’t believe he would take time out of his busy schedule to do something that is normally reserved for 45-year old glorified bus drivers.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, why would he do that?
TOUR GUIDE: (Over intercom) Hello ladies and gentlemen, I am your tour guide, chhh. I will be leading you on this tour along with my omnipotent virtual tour guide, James Fallon! Chhh.
(A TV lowers down and shows Jimmy Fallon on screen)
JIMMY FALLON: I’m everywhere people! Whether I’m talking to a baby about credit cards, in your living room entertaining you or in your attic pretending to be a raccoon, I’m dear to you! But, I got shit to do so I can’t actually be here. Enjoy Archibald or whatever his name is.
(The TV goes off)
TOUR GUIDE: And that concludes the tour!
ETHAN AND KIMBERLY: WHAT?!
TOUR GUIDE: We had a federal grant to do this, but you know, with the sequester and all, we gotta make cut backs. Bye!
KIMBERLY: We didn’t even move! We just paid to sit on a bus for a few minutes!
ETHAN: OBAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-(People are perplexed at how long he’s taking to say Obama and Kimberly pokes him)-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly at their hotel again, exhausted. Ethan is lying with the robe on but is unimpressed while Kimberly is on her bed watching the local news)
KIMBERLY: Their local news is different here.
ETHAN: UGGGHH this bath robe has lost its luster. It’s chafing. It’s probably…Obama’s fault. It’s like, when you first get bath mats, they feel so nice on your bare feet, but eventually, it all goes away…it never comes back.
KIMBERLY: Are you seriously being bitter about bath mats?
(Ethan springs up)
ETHAN: Why don’t we take a leisurely stroll down the boardwalk? This hotel is but a muffin throw from Seal Beach.
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly walking on the boardwalk at night)
ETHAN: Oh, this is nice. There’s a restaurant over yonder above the ocean on a platform.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, yeah, did you hear that?
OFFSCREEN VOICE: Scat, scat, scat!
ETHAN: Yeah, I just heard something. Hold me!
(Ethan hugs Kimberly)
OFFSCREEN VOICE: Scat scat scat!
KIMBERLY: Where is that-(Pan to a homeless musician with a guitar case full of dollar bills) oh, it’s you.
HOMELESS MUSICIAN: Hi, I’m Scatty McKiddy. My friends call me Scatty McKiddy. But don’t you call me that. To you, I’m Clarence.
KIMBERLY: Okay, Clarence. Do you have a home?
SCATTY MCKIDDY: Home is where the heart is, so…no I don’t.
ETHAN: I saw a vagrant bathing in a fountain a little bit ago, was that-
CLARENCE: Yeah, that was me. But I can sing!
KIMBERLY: Do you play guitar?
CLARENCE: Absolutely not, woman! I play the knives!
(He takes out butter knives and rubs them together)
ETHAN: You have a guitar case!
CLARENCE: PERFECT PLACE FOR MY KNIVES!
(He takes out steak knives and butter knives and throws them into the guitar case, causing Ethan and
Kimberly to jump and run away)
(Cut to a stage in a warehouse in Boston. There are a multitude of emo and other faces while the band is on stage. The banner behind them says “SPRING BROKE 2013-THE DEVIL’S NIECENING”)
MALLART BOND: CAN I HEAR IT, BOSTON DOUCHEBAGS?!!!
(Loud, boisterous cheers)
BOSTON DOUCHEBAG IN THE AUDIENCE: FAGGOT!
MALLART BOND: Why did you come here?! Now, can I hear it for HARVARD ACADEMIA!
(Cut to a bunch of stuffy, Harvard kids in letter jackets)
LETTER JACKET GUY: Hmm.
(Cut back to Mallart)
MALLART BOND: ALRIGHT! This next song is about the bones in my heart! It’s called, “This Next Song is About the Bones in My Heart”.
(They start playing. Cut to Ryan, Brennan and Michael in the audience)
RYAN: I LOVE YOU MALLART! I WANT HIM TO SAY IT BACK!
BRENNAN: HE’S IN THE MIDDLE OF A SONG!
RYAN: WHAT THAT NOISE?!
BRENNAN: I SAID HE’S IN THE MIDDLE OF A SONG!
RYAN: EGG ‘EM ON?! OKAY!! MALLART! YOU BLEED MY TEARS YOU SEXY BEAST!
MICHAEL: HEY, WHAT’S ON THE MENU HERE?!
RYAN: UM, I THINK THERE’S THE CLASSICS! WAITER!
(A waiter in a tuxedo comes over)
WAITER: Hm, yeeesss?
RYAN: HEY WAITER, DID YOU PAWK YA CAW IN A HAWVAWD YAWD?! HA! BOSTONIANS!
WAITER: Hm, very unbecoming.
BRENNAN: DON’T BE JUDGMENTAL! NOW WHAT DO YOU HAVE?!
(He takes out a tray filled with pills)
WAITER: We have many pills, many pills all in alphabetical from E to X.
RYAN: GREAT, I’LL HAVE ALL OF ‘EM!
MICHAEL: WHOA, I AM NOT CARRYING A CORPSE TO THE CAR!
RYAN: FINE, FINE! PORTION CONTROL, RIGHT? I DON’T LIKE TO EAT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE ANYWAY; I’LL HAVE A NICE ECSTASY!
BRENNAN: I’LL HAVE WHAT HE’S HAVING!
MICHAEL: I’M GOOD FOR NOW!
(The waiter hands Ryan and Brennan some X and then puts his tray away and takes out his parmesan dispenser)
WAITER: Would you like some parmesan with your selection?
RYAN: WHAT? NO!
WAITER: Tell me when to stop.
RYAN: DON’T START!
(The waiter puts away the dispenser)
(He walks away. Ryan and Brennan take the X. Cut to Ryan, Brennan and Michael asleep in Ryan’s car on a street in New York City. Ryan’s alarm, which is “Suffering in Solace”, goes off. He wakes up, along with everybody else)
RYAN: Fuck, scared me half to death.
(Ryan turns the alarm off)
BRENNAN: Nothing like a good scare in the morning.
MICHAEL: It’s 7pm. We parked here twelve hours ago so we could catch the concert, let’s go!
(They get out of the car)
RYAN: Alright guys, ARE YOU GUYS AMPED?!
MICHAEL AND BRENNAN: YEAH!
RYAN: No you’re not! Not until you get some energy drinks like Amp! Luckily, this is the last weekend where eighteen ounces of sugary drinks are legal in Bloomberg’s baby crib, so let’s go get some, bitches!
(They run away. Cut to Ryan, Brennan and Michael in the crowd at Madison Square Garden. Michael is holding some water)
RYAN: THIS PLACE IS HUGE!
BRENNAN: WE’RE ALREADY ROLLING!
RYAN: I KNOW! (Ryan goes over to Michael) HOLY SHIT, IS THIS VODKA?!
(Ryan takes it and drinks it, but spits it out)
RYAN: FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!
MICHAEL: IT’S WATER!
RYAN: UGH! HYDROGEN AND OXYGEN, GROSS! DUDE, WHY DON’T YOU TAKE SOMETHING?!
MICHAEL: ALRIGHT, FINE, I’LL HAVE A MOLLY!
(Ryan reaches into his pocket and gives Michael a molly)
RYAN: TAKE RESPONSIBLY! IT’S A LEGAL DISCLAIMER!
(Michael takes it and Ryan and Brennan start jumping up and down)
MICHAEL: OKAY, HEY, I’M GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM!
(Ryan goes over to Michael and puts his hands on his shoulders)
RYAN: MICHAEL, BE CAREFUL IN THERE, ALRIGHT MAN?!
MICHAEL: (Laughs) WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DUDE?!
RYAN: I LOVE YOU MAN, JUST BE SAFE!! (Ryan hugs Michael and Michael heads off. Brennan seems jealous. Brennan walks over to Ryan and starts making out with him. Finally, after a while, he stops) WHOA! THAT WAS…NICE!
BRENNAN: Yeah…HEY, YOU AND SARAH WERE FINE TOGETHER, YOU AND MICHELLE WERE GREAT TOO, BUT…REMEMBER WHEN WE HAD SEX FIVE AND A HALF MONTHS AGO? WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THAT?
RYAN: MICHELLE HAD JUST LEFT ME AND WE WERE EXPERIMENTING, BUT…I JUST DON’T KNOW IF I COULD HAVE SOMETHING WITH A GUY THAT WASN’T LAYERED IN SECRECY!
BRENNAN: YOU DO EVERYTHING BUT SET UP A BILLBOARD CAMPAIGN ADVERTISING YOUR BISEXUALITY, WHY CAN’T THIS WORK?!
RYAN: BRENNAN, WE’VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR ELEVEN YEARS! THAT’S A HARD TRANSITION TO MAKE!
BRENNAN: TELL ME THE LUCK YOU’VE HAD WITH FEMALE COMPANIONSHIP! THEY CAN’T ACCEPT YOU, AND ALL OF YOU! THEY WANT PERFECTION! WELL I WANT YOU, PERFECTION CAN GO FUCK ITSELF!
RYAN: JUST-JUST RUB MY HAIR!
BRENNAN: OKAY! (Brennan rubs his hair) BEFORE YOU I HAD NO ONE TO RELEASE MY BI-FERVOR WITH! MY PARENTS DON’T SUPPORT ME, ALL THEY DO IS COMPLAIN! YOU ALLOWED ME TO SEE WHERE MY HEAD WAS AT!
RYAN: I’LL DO YOU! (Brennan lets Ryan rub his hair) YEAH, AND THAT WAS FUN! BUT EVENTUALLY IT’LL HAVE TO BE EITHER MICHELLE OR SARAH!
RYAN: BECAUSE I LOVE THEM!
(Brennan lifts his head up and Ryan stops rubbing it)
BRENNAN: YOU DON’T LOVE ME?!
RYAN: OF COURSE I LOVE YOU, BUT I HARDLY SEE YOU ANYMORE! YOU RAN THE FUCK OFF FOUR WEEKS AGO WHEN I TRIED TO HANG OUT WITH MICHAEL AND YOU!
BRENNAN: I HAD A FUNERAL TO ATTEND!
RYAN: THEN WHY DID MICHELLE AND COIN SAY YOU WERE AT COOPER’S PARTY?!
BRENNAN: I…I’M SORRY! BUT IT’S HARD TO HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT SARAH WHEN SHE’S SO WRONG FOR YOU! PLUS, WHAT ABOUT MICHAEL?! YOU GUYS DATED!!
RYAN: IT WAS NEVER SERIOUS! IT WAS A FLING!
BRENNAN: SO THAT’S ALL YOUR GUYS EVER GET? THE WHORISH FLINGS? BUT YOUR GIRLS GET RELATIONSHIPS AND THEY REWARD YOU WITH PETTY BREAK-UPS?! HOW DOES THAT WORK?!
(Michael walks over)
MICHAEL: THE BATHROOM WAS HARD TO SURVIVE! I SWEAR EVERY SWEATY FIFTEEN YEAR OLD THOUGHT HE WAS A MASSEUSE!
(Cut to the stage where Devil’s Niece is playing)
MALLART BOND: This next song is called “DECATHECT”! One, two, three, who? (Music starts playing) DECATHECT, DECATHECT, DECATHECT, (Guitar for a little bit) In my rearview, I see your eyes. In my windshield, I see your time. And it’s running thin. In my purview, I must go…all the way to, the Alamooo…THERE! IS! NO OTHER WAY! THERE! IS! NO OTHER DAY! I! CAN’T! SEE THIS ENDING WELL! WHY! CAN’T! WE ESCAPE THIS HELL?! She mends your cloth, but she gets caught on a thread! Her hair in a bun, she lets it loose! Unraveling this surgery, IT’S DEAD ON THE TABLE, IT’S DEAD ON THE TABLE! I will not be pallbearer; I will jet to better lands, where your hands can’t slowly slip from the grasp of my lifespan! YOU’RE ABOUT TO GO, SO WHY WAIT AND READ A MAGAZINE?! I CAN’T LET YOU GO SO I’LL SLIP INTO THE MEZZANINE! IF YOU WANT A REASON WHY, LISTEN TO YOUR HEART BEAT! THEY’RE A MISTAKE THAT YOU NEVER WANT TO RE-PEAT!
(As the song continues, it cuts to Ryan, Brennan and Michael tickling each other. Cut to Jacob driving the ice cream truck with Kirsten, Roger, Chris Hayes, Colleen and Trey in there with him. Colleen is eating some sort of cake)
JACOB: I can’t believe this baby had a full tank.
COLLEEN: I can’t believe it had leftover rum cake.
TREY: Colleeeen! That cake’s probably really old!
COLLEEN: You’re old! You’re dad’s old! He’s still hot though.
KIRSTEN: We’re coming up on Buffalo, we should probably rest up. It’s almost ten.
JACOB: Good point. We can sleep under Niagara Falls, just like you always wanted.
KIRSTEN: I’ve always wanted to develop hypothermia or drown?
JACOB: It’s romantic.
CHRIS HAYES: Let’s just find a Motel 6, preferably one that allows partying late into the night!
ROGER: Jesus Chris Hayes, it’s late, we’re tired.
CHRIS HAYES: I know, let’s just take a load off. But I’m going to need someone to read me Hitchhiker’s Guide before I go to bed.
ROGER: Speaking of which.
(Colleen appears asleep)
TREY: I’ll get her blanky. (Trey pulls a pink blanket out of the luggage and drapes it over Colleen and holds her to his chest and sings) Lavender’s blue, dilly dilly, lavender’s green, when I am king, dilly, dilly, you shall be queen. Who told you so, dilly, dilly, who told you so? ‘Twas my own heart, dilly, dilly, that told me so.
KIRSTEN: (Whispers) She’s like a child!
JACOB: (Whispers) I think that’s why they’re together. (Cut to the next day. Jacob, Kirsten, Trey, Colleen and Chris Hayes and Roger are looking at Niagara Falls) It’s so beautiful, huh Kirsten?
KIRSTEN: It makes me want to break into a musical number.
JACOB: (Chuckles) Please don’t.
KIRSTEN: I won’t.
(She smiles and starts kissing him. Pan to Trey and Colleen, Colleen is in Trey’s arms)
COLLEEN: Am I as beautiful as the falls?
TREY: Um, here’s what I’ll say.
COLLEEN: UGH! Trey, you’re such an asshole. I’ll take that though.
(Pan to Roger and Chris Hayes)
CHRIS HAYES: Dude, they all look so gay.
ROGER: I know, waterfalls are for pussies, nigga, I want lava!
JACOB: Don’t worry; our next stop will be better.
(Cut to Jacob, Kirsten, Chris Hayes, Roger, Trey and Colleen standing on a street corner in Detroit in front of a dilapidated building. There are sirens heard in the background)
KIRSTEN: HOW IS THIS BETTER?!
JACOB: I just wanted to go to Detroit for the ruin porn. Ohhhh…things are so shitty here. Eminem was so wrong.
CHRIS HAYES: Let’s leave before a Teamster makes me disappear.
COLLEEN: Like a magician? Trey, I want to go to a magician.
TREY: Colleen, no, he was talking about a super hero.
CHRIS HAYES: Actually I was talking about…a type of booze?
(They hear gun shots and scream and run away. Cut to them driving. They all seem very tired)
KIRSTEN: Jacob, we’re running out of money, how are we going to get to Denver?
JACOB: We’ll figure out a way, we still have fifty dollars left!
KIRSTEN: Yeah, and we’re almost out of gas and that’ll evaporate that fifty dollars to like, ten! And don’t say gas is just a vanity thing!
JACOB: See? We’re entering Chicago, we’ll fill up here. (They drive past a sign reading “I don’t give a fuck where ya from, boy-o. You’re in Chicaga now. Warm Salutations from the Chicago Chamber of Commerce and Mayor Rahm Emanuel”. Cut to Jacob, Kirsten, Chris Hayes, Trey, Colleen and Roger at a gas station in Chicago) We can’t pay this or we’ll be out of money.
KIRSTEN: Exactly! We should’ve managed the money your parents gave us better. No wonder they didn’t trust you with your credit card.
CHRIS HAYES: Can you just call your mom? I’m scared.
ROGER: Don’t be a pussy, Chris Hayes. Calling moms are for people who need help.
KIRSTEN: It seems like we need help!
JACOB: No, I won’t call mom, she’ll kill me if she finds out I left my Buick in the Adirondacks.
KIRSTEN: Jesus, that’s right! Didn’t you have a car before your Buick?
JACOB: Yeah, it was a Camry, but Ryan sent it off a fucking cliff nine and a half months ago and now another car may be gone for good.
KIRSTEN: You’re so myopic it’s unbelievable.
JACOB: I’ll go talk to the gas station owner. (Jacob walks into the gas station to see a big Italian guy behind the counter) Hello Mr. Botinelli, I was wondering if I could fill up for free? We’re kind of desperate here, I’m sorry.
CASHIER: Sorry, I can’t let you do that.
(Jacob screams and runs back to the ice cream truck)
JACOB: I think he just threatened me.
KIRSTEN: Did he really threaten you or are you just aware that there were 500 homicides in Chicago last year?
JACOB: Okay, maybe it was somewhat psychological, but still, he said we couldn’t take gas for free!
ROGER: Well, that is strange.
KIRSTEN: Not really, is there any way we could get some money?
TREY: We could have Colleen sell her body.
COLLEEN: I’m a good salesman.
TREY: Ugh, no you’re not, Colleen.
JACOB: Does anyone have anything valuable with them?
CHRIS HAYES: Um, I have (he takes out baseball cards and a copy of Pokémon Emerald for the DS) some baseball cards and Pokémon emerald for the DS.
(Cut to a young kid walking with a 100 dollar bill in hand walking up to the gas station. He looks over and sees Chris Hayes holding the baseball cards and Pokémon Emerald for the DS in front of an ice cream truck)
KID: Yes! That’s what I deserve in life! Ice cream and Pokémon!
(The kid starts walking over to them)
JACOB: Wait, what is that kid doing?
ROGER: I don’t know, but it looks like he has a Benjamin, so don’t question it.
KIRSTEN: I read somewhere that it’s all about those.
(The kid walks over)
KID: Hey, are you guys ice cream men and lady men?
TREY: Kid just called me a lady man!
JACOB: No kid, this isn’t a-
(Two parents walk over)
MOM: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
JACOB: Nothing, I was just-
DAD: Trying to lure my child with ice cream, baseball cards and a DS?!
KIRSTEN: NO! Absolutely not, we were-
(A cop walks over)
COP: What’s going on here?
JACOB: Where did you come from?!
DAD: These people were trying to lure my child into the back of this beat-up old ice cream truck.
TREY: Sir, this truck doesn’t even play the tune properly anymore, the kid wouldn’t even like being bound and gagged in it.
MOM: HE WOULDN’T LIKE BEING BOUND AND GAGGED ANYWHERE YOU SICK FUCK!
TREY: That’s not what I meant!
COP: Alright, you sickos are comin with me.
KIRSTEN: You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me! (Cut to Jacob, Kirsten, Trey, Colleen, Roger and Chris Hayes in an interrogation room) Fucking Chris Hayes.
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly walking down Hollywood Boulevard the next day)
ETHAN: There’s got to be something in Hollyweirdo that could cool the mind.
KIMBERLY: Maybe don’t call it Hollyweirdo.
ETHAN: That’d be Hollytarded.
KIMBERLY: Whoa, look!
(They come upon a movie set where a big inflatable balloon is being inflated and a sugar glass window is being readied for someone to jump out of. Ethan and Kimberly walk over Mr. Daniels sitting in a director’s chair wearing sunglasses. The back of his seat reads “MR. J. DANIELS”)
ETHAN: Hi there, what’s going on here?
MR. DANIELS: It’s a movie, what else could it possibly be?
KIMBERLY: Wow, sorry.
ETHAN: What movie, pray tell?
MR. DANIELS: It’s a sequel to the cult hit “Faceless Accusations”.
ETHAN: Oh yeah, that movie about the guy who gets his face ripped off and finds comfort in banging Megan Fox.
MR. DANIELS: Exactly.
(The guy who played “Faceless Steve” in the first movie walks over wearing a suit and bandages all around his face and he’s adjacent to Megan Fox)
KIMBERLY: OH MY GOD, ARE YOU MEGAN FOX?
MEGAN FOX: Yes, yes I am.
ETHAN: It’s so nice to meet you, Ms. Fox.
MEGAN FOX: You as well. You guys seem like a cute couple.
KIMBERLY: Thank you! You guys are too.
(They all laugh, except for “Faceless Steve”)
FACELESS STEVE: Of course, I’m not really faceless, I have a face, let me just-
MR. DANIELS: Steve, do not remove those wraps, we film soon and I will NOT have them wrap you up again.
FACELESS STEVE: Sorry, Mr. Daniels. My name’s Ruben Wagner.
ETHAN: Nice to meet you, Megan Fox. Wow, you’re ravishing today.
MEGAN FOX: Thank you.
ETHAN: And always.
MEGAN FOX: Thanks.
KIMBERLY: I remember when you were just Shia LeBeouf’s eye candy.
MEGAN FOX: Now I’m the Sex Symbolica of American Media Culture. All I need is my staff. (They all laugh) In fact, you know what? GREG! GET MY STAFF!
ETHAN: Wow, I thought you were joking.
KIMBERLY: What are you guys shooting right now?
RUBEN: A scene from “Faceless Accusations 2: The Search for Plastic Surgery”. In this scene, I jump out of a window onto an inflated platform.
ETHAN: I see, that’s…creative.
RUBEN: We actually need some extras if you guys want in.
KIMBERLY: We totally should!
ETHAN: Alright cool, let’s do it!
RUBEN: Come with us. (Kimberly, Ethan, Megan Fox and Ruben walk on over to a tent full of extras) They’ll set you up real nice. They have Dasani here!
ETHAN: Thanks, Megan.
KIMBERLY: Thanks so much, Megan.
MEGAN FOX: You guys are so welcome.
RUBEN: I did most of the escorting, but-
MEGAN FOX: Back to the salt mines!
RUBEN: Back to the salt mines!
(Megan Fox and Ruben walk away and Ethan and Kimberly turn to some extras)
ETHAN: Hi, there. I’m Ethan, this is my wife Kimberly.
KIMBERLY: Where are you guys from?
MAN: My name used to be Edwin Steingrichsteinowitz but I changed it to Blaine Zippy.
ETHAN: Blaine Zippy?
BLAINE: Yeah, I needed something zippy.
KIMBERLY: So you just went ahead and made your last name “zippy”?
BLAINE: Yeah and someday, I’m gonna be a star! I’m gonna be in all the movies!
ETHAN: Well, how long have you been in the industry?
BLAINE: Twelve years.
ETHAN: Jesus, twelve years?!
BLAINE: Yes, twelve years.
KIMBERLY: And you’re doing extra work?
BLAINE: Everybody’s got to start somewhere! I’ll get my big break eventually. I’m hoping to make big headwinds with my reaction to Ruben falling out the window. What do you think of this?
(Blaine makes a really surprised face)
ETHAN: That’s not bad…it’s not bad at all. Um…
KIMBERLY: Is he gonna change back?
EXTRA: Sometimes when he becomes incredibly dispirited he goes frozen.
ETHAN: He seemed really giddy considering he’s a failed actor.
EXTRA: It’s just a mask. He likes to keep a positive attitude. But underneath, (he whispers this into Blaine’s ear) he’s dead.
(A single tear comes down from Blaine’s eye)
(Mr. Daniels walks over)
MR. DANIELS: Alright, we’re ready to film this scene people, c’mon; we open in now weeks people, let’s go! (Blaine snaps out of it and they all walk over and form a cluster) Now I want you to look excited for me, go (monotone, like a doctor) “ahhh!” for me, okay? (They go “ahh” in a monotone) No, I don’t mean-okay, I don’t mean literally go “ahh” in a monotone like that-
ETHAN: That’s how you said it, you said it like a Doctor.
MR. DANIELS: Why do you look familiar, by the way?
ETHAN: Um, do you follow the news?
MR. DANIELS: Definitely not.
ETHAN: Okay, are you from Vermont?
MR. DANIELS: Yes! Hansbay, specifically.
ETHAN: I’m from Hansbay!
MR. DANIELS: No foolin’?
MR. DANIELS: Wow.
ETHAN: Small world.
MR. DANIELS: Anyway, let’s get a good visceral reaction.
(Mr. Daniels backs up and the cameras get into place)
MR. DANIELS: One, two, three, ACTION! (They all gasp and their eyes go wide) CUT, CUT, CUT! GODDAMNIT, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? Act surprised, not shocked, there’s a goddamn inflatable platform right there, he’ll be fine.
ETHAN: Fine, fine! Jesus, just calm down.
MR. DANIELS: Okay, just, alright, let’s just get it again. One more time, go! (They react more mildly) GOD, I didn’t say action! You know what? Let’s take five.
MR. DANIELS: YES!
(Cut to Ryan, Brennan and Michael driving the car)
RYAN: That was so great.
MICHAEL: It was, but I’m glad to be out of New York. I didn’t feel comfortable being in the same city as Bin Laden’s son-in-law.
RYAN: Michael, Bin Laden had so many wives, half the cabbies in New York City are probably Bin Laden’s sons-in law.
MICHAEL: I know, but it’s just, trying him in New York City and upholding our values instead of sending him to a Cuban gulag, it’s just UGGGH!
BRENNAN: Luckily, Trenton isn’t far from here.
RYAN: Unluckily, we’re going to New Jersey.
(Cut to Ryan, Brennan and Michael at the concert in Trenton. Devil’s Niece is playing a song. A douchebag walks over with a backwards cap and tank top and two beers in his hands)
DOUCHEBAG: DON’T FUCK WITH JOISEY! WOOO! MAKE JOISEY THE FIFTY-FIRST FUCKIN’ STATE BITCH!
RYAN: NEW JERSEY’S ALREADY A STATE!
DOUCHEBAG: SPRINGSTEEN WILLING, MY MAN! WOO!
(The douchebag walks away)
BRENNAN: I WANT PEOPLE TO CARRY US!
RYAN: I WANT THAT TOO, BUT I ALSO WANT PEOPLE TO GRAB MY ASS!
BRENNAN: BEST OF BOTH WORLDS!
(They laugh and Michael launches Ryan feet first into the crowd and does the same for Brennan. The crowd carries the two in diverging directions, and Ryan tries to crawl back to him, but the crowd drops him onto the ground. He gets up)
RYAN: HOW DO YOU SURVIVE SOMEONE STEPPING ON YOUR HEAD?! BRENNAN!?!
(Ryan looks to the stage, where Brennan and Mallart are singing together, to Ryan’s surprise and delight)
BRENNAN AND MALLART: THERE! IS! NO ESCAPE! FROM! THE! HARSH! LANDSCAPE! I can’t believe it changed, I won’t believe it hurts, there is no escape, it’s there until it bursts! FIX ME UNDER YOUR MICROSCOPE, NEVER MAKE IT A TELESCOPE, THERE IS NO HOPE IF YOU’RE NOT THERE AND IF YOU’RE NOT THERE IT ISN’T FAIR, JUDGMENTS ARE MADE BY THE ONES WHO JUDGE, BUT PEOPLE ARE MADE BY THE ONES WHO PLUNGE!
(Cut to Brennan, Michael and Ryan driving the car)
RYAN: THAT WAS INSANE!
BRENNAN: Right?! That was the single greatest experience of my life!
MICHAEL: So while you were crowd surfing, he just pointed to you and told people to throw you on stage?
BRENNAN: Yep, and they threw me! Pretty hard, actually. But it was so worth the bump on my head.
RYAN: That’s so great. But I will remind you, that I met Mallart Bond a week and a half ago, so…
BRENNAN: Ooh! Good for you!
MICHAEL: So, Philly is next, right?
MICHAEL: Hey, didn’t you say you were going to promote your band during this trip?
(Cut to Devil’s Niece on a stage in Philadelphia)
MALLART BOND: HELLO PHILADELPHIA! (Cheers and applause) READY TO PISS OFF SOME AMISH PEOPLE?!
(Cheers and applause. Cut to Ryan holding pamphlets, going through the audience)
RYAN: Depraved Hallway Fern is a-
MAN: No thank you.
(The man walks away)
RYAN: Depraved Hallway Fern, the hot new band of 2013-
MAN 2: Fuck that.
(The man walks away)
RYAN: How about you, sir?
MAN 3: No!
RYAN: I haven’t even told you what it is yet!
MAN 3: Was that a slight at me?
MAN 3: I’m not interested!
(The man walks away)
(Brennan walks over)
BRENNAN: Not going super well?
RYAN: No, it’s not.
BRENNAN: Your performance at Higher Ground still has a lot of hits on YouTube, right? This self-promotion isn’t that vital.
RYAN: I guess you’re right. People come to see live music, not to be given light reading material.
(A guy comes over with a cup of a clear liquid)
RYAN: Holy shit, is that vodka? (Ryan takes it and drinks it) HOLY SHIT IT ACTUALLY IS!
(Cut to Ryan and Brennan making out in a bathroom stall. Brennan kneels down to Ryan’s pants and unbuttons them and takes out his dick, which is clearly erect)
BRENNAN: So this is the command center?
RYAN: Yeah, go ahead. (Brennan starts sucking on Ryan’s dick. Cut to Ryan, Brennan and Michael driving the car at night. Michael is asleep in the back seat) …I feel kind of bad.
RYAN: I feel like Michael was left out a little bit, because of our very nebulous, “Will he? Won’t he? Why would I care?” Sexual tension.
BRENNAN: That’s true. I still think he had fun though. Plus, the tension was kind of resolved.
RYAN: I guess, but, I feel like, we should decide where to go from here. It wouldn’t make sense to have these sporadic, every five and a half months-sexual romps-
BRENNAN: I see, so we should schedule our sexual romps?
RYAN: No, I’m saying…
BRENNAN: Are you really suggesting…?
RYAN: I mean…I don’t know. I haven’t tried, I feel like I should try.
BRENNAN: Ryan, do you mean like, publicly?
RYAN: Yes! Yes, Goddamnit! Why not?
BRENNAN: No reason why not!
RYAN: I have a feeling that something about this relationship is going to cause a Supreme Court case.
(Brennan and Ryan laugh and hold hands. Cut to Jacob, Chris Hayes, Kirsten, Roger, Trey and Colleen in an interrogation room. Two Chicago detectives come in and sit down)
DETECTIVE: So you six were luring little kids into your creepy, decommissioned old ice cream truck?
JACOB: Absolutely not sir, that woman was hysterical, that cop was a baboon with a badge-
DETECTIVE: Listen, we know you guys didn’t try to lure kids, but we do know that you stole an ice cream truck with New York plates registered to a “Razr Ice Cream Company”. But this is Chicaga. If you want that revelation to go away, you’re going to have to pay the corrupt peeper.
DETECTIVE 2: That’s me-per.
DETECTIVE: Well, it’s us-per.
TREY: You want us to bribe you?
DETECTIVE: That’s the name of the game, short stuff.
COLLEEN: You are short. You are short, Trey.
JACOB: Sir, aren’t there cameras in here?
DETECTIVE 2: We bribed them.
(Pan to the surveillance camera in the corner of the room, there’s a one hundred dollar bill stuffed behind it. Then pan back)
JACOB: Well, sir, I’m sorry to say that we don’t have any money.
DETECTIVE: But don’t all you kids have smart phones nowadays?
KIRSTEN: Oh, shit.
JACOB: It’s the only way we’re getting out of here, Kirsten! Here’s my iPhone. (Jacob takes out his iPhone and puts it on the table) Kirsten, give the man your phone.
KIRSTEN: Fine, here’s my Windows phone.
(She takes out a Windows Phone and puts it on the table)
DETECTIVE: You can keep it.
DETECTIVE 2: Yeah, if it don’t get Instagram, I’m not interested.
KIRSTEN: Really? Awesome!
(She puts her phone back in her pocket)
CHRIS HAYES: Wait, you guys are gonna keep the phones?
DETECTIVE: No, but I want to sell quality phones for Christ’s sake.
(Everybody except Kirsten and Jacob takes out their phones and puts them on the table. The detectives take all of them, including Jacob’s iPhone. Cut to Jacob, Kirsten, Trey, Colleen, Roger and Chris Hayes walking along the side of the road. Trey and Colleen are fighting, Jacob and Kirsten are fighting and Chris Hayes is holding a “Settlers of Gatan” box and explaining it to Roger)
JACOB: (Voiceover) T’was a harrowing journey from that day forward. (Cut to them sitting in the back of a hay truck) Eventually, we had to hitch a ride with a nice farmer from Berwyn. He drove us up to Des Moines, and once he dropped us off there, we had to hitch a ride with a group of-(Cut to them sitting in a greyhound with “TIM PAWLENTY 2012” signs around them and big packages of corn and heroin, they look very on-edge and an Hispanic man is playing cards nearby) illegal immigrants who were using Tim Pawlenty’s old campaign bus for a drug running operation. Then, they took us to Lincoln, Nebraska, where we stayed the night with another farmer. Unfortunately, (Cut to Roger running out of a farm house with a towel on while a young-looking farmer chases after him with a shotgun) Roger tried to have sex with the farmer’s mother. Technically legal, but still. Gross. Total MILF though. Anyway, eventually, (Cut to them driving a Model T past a sign reading “WELCOME TO COLORADO, You came here for a reason, but you’ll leave pretty soon”) we finally arrived in the Rocky Mountain State. We-(Cut to the six of them smoking bowls under a tree on the side of the road) finally toked up in Colorado. But then we realized, in Colorado, you have to be twenty-one to smoke marijuana. So essentially, we traveled 2,000 miles to do something illegal in another state. But, what we gained in the process was not our phones, not my car, but a good spring break. Anyway, I’m grounded for the rest of Spring Break for leaving my car in the Adirondacks. So. (Cut to Jacob telling this story to Ryan and Brennan in the computer room) Any questions?
RYAN: Yes. Did you bother to any research on the Marijuana legalization in Colorado before you left?
JACOB: Counter-question, did you think to not throw my car off a cliff?
BRENNAN: Did you think to not leave your car in the Adirondacks?!
(Jacob stands up)
JACOB: I’VE HAD ENOUGH INTERROGATION FOR ONE SPRING BREAK!
(Jacob leaves. Cut to Kimberly and Megan Fox speaking outside the extra’s tent)
KIMBERLY: Is he always this hostile to the actors?
MEGAN FOX: Only the extras. He falls all over himself to keep me happy.
KIMBERLY: God, I would too. How do you stay so incredibly attractive when you’re all the way in your…mid 20s?
MEGAN FOX: I run. Running is a great way to stay in shape, no matter how much crime shows try to scare the public away from running.
KIMBERLY: I don’t know if crime shows are the reason the American public doesn’t run.
MEGAN FOX: Well, running’s really good for you and it’s a stress reliever.
MEGAN FOX: Absolutely.
KIMBERLY: What kind of stress could you possibly have?
MEGAN FOX: Sometimes paparazzi hide themselves in my wardrobe drawers.
KIMBERLY: Oh, I see. So running alleviates a lot of that?
MEGAN FOX: Well, Brian with a shotgun alleviates the wardrobe problem, but yeah, running’s really great.
KIMBERLY: Wow. Cool.
(Ethan walks over wearing a white bath robe with the words “DIRECTOR” engraved on it)
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly sitting next to each other on a plane with some innocuous person sitting next to them)
KIMBERLY: I think, overall, fun trip.
ETHAN: Yeah. I found major stress relief.
KIMBERLY: In what?
ETHAN: Just, being in Hollywood and working with those directors and stuff, it was fun.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, but, you can’t do that in Hansbay.
ETHAN: I know. But it was relaxing. That’ll keep me calm until at least the summer.
KIMBERLY: Really? You just need one thing like that?
ETHAN: Definitely. I don’t need a regular thing, really.
KIMBERLY: Wow…remember that time we had dinner with Mitt Romney?
(Cut to black)
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Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
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