“THE IDES OF MARCH”
“Beware of the Ides of March, you gullibles, what was true of Caesar is true of you too. The same jealousy, the same greed, the same dagger held behind, Antony’s abound to make an amphitheater out of your tiny world and a Caesar out of you”
(Cut to Ryan, Ethan, Kimberly, Jacob and Madeline watching the chimney affixed to the roof of the Sistine Chapel)
KIMBERLY: Oh, this is exciting. I hope the new Pope is a reformer who lets women become priests. Maybe the Pope will be a woman!
ETHAN: Do you really think a woman has what it takes to wear frilly dresses and fancy shoes and kiss babies and wave?
KIMBERLY: Strangely enough, I do.
RYAN: I want Cardinal Bonifacius Steuer to be Pope, the guy who had all those trashy Facebook photos. If you don’t get expelled from the Papacy for looking the other way on child molestation, you shouldn’t get expelled for using a beer bong.
JACOB: Yeah, we should hold the papacy to at least the same standard we hole being a junior in High School.
(White smoke begins rushing from the chimney)
ETHAN: HOLY SHIT, IS THAT WHITE?!
KIMBERLY: It looks white!
RYAN: It’s getting whiter!
MADELINE: WE HAVE A POPE!
JACOB: WE HAVE A POPE!
ETHAN: Who is it?
JACOB: Judging from all that smoke, I think it’s Snoop Lion.
RYAN: Pope Lion the Third!
ETHAN: That’s ridiculous, I’m sure they just burned a child abuse victim to produce the smoke, you know, kill two birds with one stone.
KIMBERLY: God, I hate that that is the only thing people know about the Catholic Church anymore.
ETHAN: So who’s the Pope? Why haven’t they told us yet?
MADELINE: I think they’re getting his Papal vestments on. They have three sizes, mini Pope, Grande Pope and Husky Pope.
ETHAN: Husky Pope? Is the Pope Chris Christie? OH MY GOD , THE POPE’S CHRIS CHRISTIE!
KIMBERLY: The Pope is not Chris Christie, but he should come out any moment. (Cut to over an hour later. They are sitting on the couch, bored) Any moment.
(Cut to the TV, Cardinal Tauran comes out)
ETHAN: HERE WE GO!
CARDINAL TAURAN: Annuntio vobis gaudium magnum: Habemus papam!
(Pope Francis I comes out on the balcony)
KIMBERLY: Wow, Jorge Mario Bergoglio? Who the hell is he?
ETHAN: It says he’s from Argentina.
KIMBERLY: I believe that would make him the first non-European Pope in over 1200 years.
MADELINE: Hopefully he’ll be a reformer.
RYAN: Great! Pope Francis the First. Can we stop caring about this now?
ETHAN: (Singing) Theeeeree he iiiissss…THE SUPREME PONTIIIFFFF!
KIMBERLY: You’re confusing this with Miss America.
(Cut to Ethan the next day in his office. Mayor Sarandon comes in wearing a crown of leaves)
MAYOR SARANDON: Good morning.
ETHAN: Would you stop coming into work wearing weird things?
MAYOR SARANDON: My driver rolled up the window for me, I stuck my head out and hit a tree, just relax!
ETHAN: I’ll relax if you take it off.
MAYOR SARANDON: Fine! (He takes it off and puts it in his pocket) So, I just got off the phone with Mayor Weinberger, and he says he’d love to cooperate with Hansbay to bring the Olympics to Vermont.
ETHAN: That’s great, Mayor Sarandon, but Chairman Sloane is absolutely against the construction of any Olympic stadium.
MAYOR SARANDON: That is why I am planning on issuing a Mayoral order to order the construction of the Olympic Stadium.
ETHAN: …What? You can’t do that!
MAYOR SARANDON: Sure I can. Mayoral Orders have been used since the first Mayor of Hansbay, Mayor Hansbay.
ETHAN: What did he order?
MAYOR SARANDON: That all the Protestants be burned. But I think my order is probably more virtuous.
ETHAN: That may be the case, but I still don’t think you can appropriate money by Mayoral order.
MAYOR SARANDON: I am the Mayor, am I not? I’m not just supposed to wear a goddamn sash and hand out keys to the city like a chump, I have power!
ETHAN: But you’re not all-powerful!
MAYOR SARANDON: If they want to stop me, I dare them. I will have the Olympics in Hansbay…or bust!
ETHAN: Chairman Sloane won’t like this.
MAYOR SARANDON: Chairman Sloane is not all-powerful!
MAYOR SARANDON: Keep up the good work!
(Mayor Sarandon leaves. Evan comes in)
EVAN: I heard through the your office just a second ago-vine that Mayor Sarandon is issuing a Mayoral order to build the stadium.
ETHAN: Yeah, he is.
EVAN: Can he do that?
ETHAN: Can President Obama murder American citizens?
EVAN: So, he can?
ETHAN: No, Sarandon cannot do that. But who the hell’s going to stop him?
EVAN: Could someone sue?
ETHAN: Sure, the courts can halt the order, but nonetheless, Sarandon is going to continue to waste time on this 2024 Olympics bullshit. (Ethan stands up and opens the window and looks out of it) He’ll chase his delusional fantasies for so long he’ll forget that his feet disintegrated long ago. Meanwhile, we have real problems to deal with.
EVAN: I know. The homeless on the tug boats, the unrest among the labor force that was only tamed temporarily by me, the drug problems among the teenagers, the fact that the Mayor is a drunken, incompetent embarrassment.
ETHAN: And how the hell is he going to reform that?
EVAN: Why are you looking out that window?
ETHAN: Everything holds more weight when you say it while looking out a window. Oh, four out of five dentists recommend Trident.
EVAN: Ethan, Mayor Sarandon is losing legitimacy and quickly. We can expedite the final nail in his coffin.
(Ethan turns away from the window)
ETHAN: I’m not going to kill Brian.
EVAN: No, no, no, not KILL him. But we have force him from office somehow. What’s a disqualifier from office?
ETHAN: To be Mayor of Hansbay, you have to be at least eighteen years old, a natural-born citizen of Vermont and not a convicted felon.
EVAN: Okay, maybe we could forge a birth certificate?
ETHAN: No, I don’t know any of President Obama’s friends. Why don’t we just use the information that he had sex with Ellen to force his resignation?
EVAN: You said that probably wouldn’t do anything!
ETHAN: It wouldn’t hurt to try. Maybe clue in a city council member.
EVAN: You said he’d have to kill TWO hookers to be forced out of office.
ETHAN: That was more of a metaphor. But, if we at first present accusations that he cheated with no evidence to back it up, he will deny it. If we can get him to deny it under oath, we can leak the irrefutable evidence of it, meaning they would have the opportunity to force him to resign for perjury.
EVAN: My God…it’s fool proof.
ETHAN: Speaking of fool proof, where is proof that he was fooling around?
EVAN: Oh, my slut wife has pictures.
ETHAN: Would she be willing to make them public?
EVAN: Absolutely not. But Pevan Palaxander could accidentally receive them and release them to the public.
ETHAN: Okay, and where can we find Mr. Palaxander?
ETHAN: I’m Pevan Palaxander?
EVAN: What? No! I am!
ETHAN: Good, because I was not about to go through your wife’s phone. No offense, but she seems like the kind of person who would have a bunch of pictures of HOA violations on her phone.
EVAN: Compliment accepted.
ETHAN: Jesus. Anyway, you’re going to need to realize that Sarandon will likely fire you once this goes public, but once I am the vicar of Hansbay on Earth, I will re-hire you. I promise.
EVAN: So I guess we’ve agreed that you’re the next Mayor of Hansbay.
ETHAN: I don’t think we have a choice, now do we? You blackmailed him, you tried to get your tenured professor’s office, but the classrooms were empty because the college was burning down.
EVAN: I see. Wait, the college was burning down and I’m concerned that the classroom is empty?
ETHAN: Just-go with it! Okay? Anyway, let’s leak the rumors to the press first.
EVAN: Are you sure you want to go through with this?
ETHAN: I’ve wanted to be Mayor for twelve years, I am ENTITLED to this!
EVAN: I agree with you! I brought this up!
ETHAN: I know I’m Brian’s friend, but I’m doing him a favor.
EVAN: Can’t you justify this to yourself? I got stuff to do.
ETHAN: You will STAY here while I justify this to you.
ETHAN: I mean, if I don’t do it, somebody else will-
(Cut to Patrick White on the news)
PATRICK WHITE: Pope Francis I has said gay adoption is discrimination against children, is against women becoming priests and is a reformer. Moving on to poverty in America-(He puts his hand to his ear piece) I’m sorry, I’m being told we’re receiving breaking news. Apparently, there are accusations arising that Mayor Brian Sarandon had an affair with a woman named Ellen Alexander. Numerous sources are saying anal was involved, but that has not been confirmed my multiple sources. The proof appears to lay in numerous call and text records between the two, many of them late at night. Also, many witnesses including Fabio “Fabby” “The Fabster” “Moneyballs” McMasterbitch.
(Cut to Ethan and Evan watching the broadcast on TV in Ethan’s office)
EVAN: Holy shit, you got Fabio to sign off as a witness?
ETHAN: Yeah, in exchange for fifteen minutes of fame and a cool name on television.
EVAN: Nice get.
ETHAN: I also talked to Chairman Sloane, he has agreed to have Mayor Sarandon testify as to the veracity of these claims so he can deny it under oath.
EVAN: Why would Sarandon feel the need to testify on his sex life?
ETHAN: Chairman Sloane will just ask whether he used city money for the affair.
EVAN: Did he?
ETHAN: No. But like Glenn Beck, Sloane is just asking questions!
(They fist bump. Then, someone knocks on the door hurriedly)
ETHAN: Whatever could be awry?
(Mayor Sarandon comes in)
MAYOR SARANDON: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!
EVAN: Sir, I had NOTHING to do with it! It was Fabby I tell you!
MAYOR SARANDON: FABBY HAS BEEN MY BUTLER FOR FIFTEEN YEARS, DID YOU PUT HIM UP TO THIS?!
EVAN: Of course not, I would never-my stars, it’s beyond me!
MAYOR SARANDON: YOU’RE FIRED, MOTHERFUCKER! YOU HAVE NO LEVERAGE!
EVAN: Cool. See you on the flip, Mayor Sarandon’t!
ETHAN: Wow, should’ve thought about your apopemptic speech more thoroughly.
EVAN: I spent an hour writing that!
MAYOR SARANDON: GET OUT! (Evan walks out) That poor bastard.
ETHAN: Sounds like you’re the one that’s a poor bastard.
MAYOR SARANDON: What am I gonna do?
ETHAN: I don’t know, Chairman Sloane wants you to answer questions about whether you used public funds for your mistress.
MAYOR SARANDON: I’ll just tell the truth, that I didn’t.
ETHAN: That you didn’t…?
MAYOR SARANDON: What?
ETHAN: What didn’t you do?
MAYOR SARANDON: Have an affair.
ETHAN: Yes! Good. Do that.
MAYOR SARANDON: I will. Mr. Sarandon goes to Washington…Hansbay. Whatever.
ETHAN: It’s a witch hunt, sir. And just because they’ve found a witch, doesn’t mean you have to hike up your black robe.
MAYOR SARANDON: That’s for Ellen to do. Witch fetish.
ETHAN: Okay, can we not talk about that?
MAYOR SARANDON: She called it “my pretty”.
ETHAN: What do you mean by “it”-WHY AM I INTERESTED IN THIS?!
(Cut to Ryan and Brennan in Brennan’s room, making out. Someone knocks at the door. They stop making out)
BRENNAN: GO AWAY JEFFREY!
NORMAN: (Off camera) It’s your father!
BRENNAN: Nice try, Jeffrey!
RYAN: That’s clearly a grown man’s voice. COME IN!
(Norman walks in)
NORMAN: Hi, Ryan.
RYAN: Hello, Mr. Sanford.
NORMAN: Um, could I get you two anything? Maybe like, some Sunkists?
RYAN: Uh…sure, Sunkists would be nice.
RYAN: Thank you.
NORMAN: Great. Wait, do you want Sprites instead?
RYAN: …No, Sunkists are fine. Sunkists are good.
NORMAN: I can get something else, if you want!
RYAN: No, Sunkists are fine, thanks.
NORMAN: Okay. Just, don’t be so indecisive.
RYAN: I was pretty resolute.
BRENNAN: Ryan. Thanks, dad!
(Norman leaves and closes the door)
RYAN: So how are we going to go public?
BRENNAN: I say we say it in a riddle. “What is Ryan, Brennan and bi all over?”
RYAN: Maybe we could put it on Penstagram?
BRENNAN: What the hell is Penstagram?
RYAN: it’s like Instagram for emo kids. Every time you post a picture on there, the filter makes the photo smell like sulfur.
BRENNAN: That is excellent technology, but I think we should just have a coming out as boyfriends party. Invite everybody we’re friends with.
RYAN: Excluding Michelle and Sarah.
BRENNAN: No, INCLUDING Michelle and Sarah.
RYAN: Why would we include them ever?
BRENNAN: To show that you’re over them, whether it’s true or not, is it though?
RYAN: I don’t know, Michelle and Sarah are so similar, but Sarah’s more cutesy and convivial while Michelle is stronger and more principled. But, I think I liked and hated that about her. When she was made weak by that dick robot Delaware, I hated what he had done to her. But Sarah wanted me to change, in a more passive way. But it’s because I cried into Michelle’s tits that she broke up with me. It’s almost like she was looking for an excuse.
BRENNAN: Well I would never do that.
RYAN: You would never cry into Michelle’s tits?
BRENNAN: I didn’t say that.
RYAN: I still don’t know if I want Michelle or Sarah there.
BRENNAN: Are they not friends?
RYAN: Well of course they’re friends, but-
BRENNAN: Then they get a front row seat to Ryan and Brennan are Dating on Ice!
RYAN: …Alright. Fine. But this is going to be rife with potential turpitude.
RYAN: Yes, um…we are not going to wear matching pink polo shirts and Bermuda shorts.
BRENNAN: Yes, we are not that kind of gay couple.
RYAN: We’re not a gay couple at all, we’re a bisexual couple, there’s a difference.
BRENNAN: Yes, the only difference being there’s more of a chance that we’re actually just adventurous straight guys.
(Cut to Ryan and Brennan opening the front door to Brennan’s house to see Michelle, Sarah, Michael, Scott and Oleander)
RYAN: Hey guys. Looking gloomy today.
BRENNAN: Please, come in to my house.
(They all walk in and Brennan shuts the door. Norman walks over holding two Sunkists)
NORMAN: Fucking great, how many Sunkists do I need to get for you guys now?
BRENNAN: You said you would bring us those Sunkists like an hour ago anyway.
NORMAN: What do you expect me to do, drink them all by myself?
RYAN: We’ll take them.
NORMAN: I actually wanted to drink them by myself.
(Cut to Jacob and Kirsten in some ball room. Jacob is in a suit and Kirsten in a dress)
JACOB: You know, I’m grounded; I’m not even supposed to be here.
KIRSTEN: We’ll have you back by the time your parents get home.
JACOB: This suit chafes, big time.
KIRSTEN: Of course it does, you got it a funeral home.
JACOB: This suit is retro modern, thank you very much. Look at this thin Mad Men tie.
KIRSTEN: Just relax, okay?
JACOB: I’m not relaxed! I don’t know anything about theatre, or banquets.
KIRSTEN: I know you’re not relaxed, that’s why I was asking you to relax. Just be witty and charming or whatever.
JACOB: I’m not witty or charming!
KIRSTEN: Then don’t say anything!
(Natasha, Preston, Luther and Faith walk over. Natasha and Preston are arm in arm, Luther and Faith are not)
KIRSTEN: Hi, guys.
PRESTON: Hello, Jacob.
JACOB: Hey Preston, how’s the impending criminal negligence and sexual assault charges?
PRESTON: I was glad to be cleared of any wrongdoing.
JACOB: You haven’t been cleared of any wrongdoing.
NATASHA: He’s innocent.
JACOB: Oh yeah, I bet.
KIRSTEN: Shh, Jacob. (She chuckles) So, what’s up with you guys?
LUTHER: We were just talking about how Natasha is like a female Russell Crowe.
KIRSTEN: HA! Russell Crowe. I don’t know which is more miserable; Russell Crowe’s singing and acting in Le Mis or 18th Century French people.
FAITH: I’d say probably 18th century French people.
LUTHER: Ugh, shut the fuck up, Faith.
KIRSTEN: Sorry, there’s a history between those two.
FAITH: We’re right here.
PRESTON: I think Natasha is a good singer; she just needs to work on her contraltos.
NATASHA: True? How would you know?
JACOB: I, uh…I noticed…it.
NATASHA: Pray tell, how do I improve upon this flaw?
JACOB: Just…sing it out.
NATASHA: Sing it out?
JACOB: Just sing it out.
KIRSTEN: Yes, Jacob is right and makes a good point. Here. (She sings in contralto) Enjolras. The people have not stirred! We are abandoned by those who still live in fear. The people have not heard. Yet will not abandon those who cannot hear! Let us not waste lives! Let all the women and fathers of children go from here! (Stops singing) See? Contralto. (They all clap) Thank you.
JACOB: That was really good, Kirsten.
LUTHER: Hey Jacob, you’re Ryan’s brother right?
JACOB: I am, unfortunately.
(They laugh and Kirsten smiles)
LUTHER: I know, that kid is so emo it’s not even funny. Especially since I thought emos died out since eighth grade.
JACOB: He sticks with it. But unfortunately, he’s my brother. Unfortunately. Unfortunately?
KIRSTEN: SO we should probably make a lap around, meet some other people.
PRESTON: Sounds good. Let’s go, Natty.
(Preston, Natasha, Luther and Faith leave)
KIRSTEN: Why did you say “unfortunately” so many times?
JACOB: It got a laugh the first time; I figured there was some correlation.
KIRSTEN: Jacob, it got a laugh the first time because it was funny, these people aren’t Pavlov’s dogs.
JACOB: Except Natasha.
KIRSTEN: Why does everybody shit on her? Listen, just, stick with your strong suits. Making fun of your brother and…not talking, let’s go!
(Kirsten and Jacob walk away. Cut to Ethan standing out in the garden at night)
ETHAN: Ti’s my chance to make my dreams come true. As much as I cherish Brian and his jovial demeanor and even jovial-er drinking problem, I must recognize the necessity of my actions tomorrow. He has not discharged his duties with the required due diligence in nine years. Yet, like a Phoenix from the absinthe, he keeps squeaking out elections and chasing waterfalls. I believe it was Saint Marqueze Etheridge who said “do not go chasing waterfalls”. Sage. Quite sage. But now I must chase the waterfall of a Hansbay under my rule, not the rule of some power and sweet roll-hungry tyrant.
(Jacob walks outside)
JACOB: Dad, what are you doing?
JACOB: You were talking to yourself.
ETHAN: I was having a soliloquy! Okay? Jacob, what time is it?
JACOB: I don’t know, I gave my phone to a corrupt Chicago cop.
ETHAN: Go look!
JACOB: Fine. (Jacob goes inside. Several seconds later, he comes back outside) It’s 8:07 PM.
ETHAN: Is tomorrow not the ides of March?
JACOB: What the hell is the-
ETHAN: Is tomorrow not the fifteenth of March?
JACOB: Tomorrow is the fifteenth of March, yes.
ETHAN: Well…I suppose there’s no turning back now.
JACOB: Right, I was hoping to bend your ear about a new car, I was thinking a Subaru or a pope mobile.
ETHAN: You can get a car once you graduate.
JACOB: Or get ordained?
ETHAN: I’m going back inside.
(Ethan walks back inside. Cut to Chairman Sloane gaveling the city council to order)
CHAIRMAN SLOANE: Order! Order! Order!
VICE CHAIR EDELMAN: There’s order.
CHAIRMAN SLOANE: Yes. (He puts his gavel down) This being the fifteenth of March, 2013, the day prescribed by law to be the date of the monthly meeting of the City Council of Hansbay, Vermont, the city council will please come to order. Today, we will consider sundry resolutions mostly pertaining to naming parks, putting ads on stop signs and of course, mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds for women seeking abortions. Yay! However, the most pressing issue we face today is whether Mayor Brian Sarandon used public funds to fund an alleged torrid affair with Ellen Alexander. We will have his testimony shortly. First up though, mandatory gun ownership, yea or nay?
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon pouring a drink in his house with Ellen behind him)
ELLEN: Brian, you can’t go to that hearing!
(Mayor Sarandon takes his drink, takes a swig and turns around)
MAYOR SARANDON: Why the hell not?
ELLEN: Because as Captain Backboard said, “It’s a trap!”
MAYOR SARANDON: Captain Backboard was my name back when I was a high school basketball star, you’re thinking of Admiral Akbar.
ELLEN: You were a High School basketball star?
MAYOR SARANDON: Not until college. Anyway, it’s not a trap, Ellen, it’ just a perfunctory hearing to determine if I did anything illegal, which I didn’t. They have no proof of the affair.
ELLEN: But for my peace of mind, you shouldn’t go!
MAYOR SARANDON: Okay, I won’t go.
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m not going to go.
ELLEN: But, don’t you want to be sure that I won’t ever tell anybody about our affair even if I’m tortured?
MAYOR SARANDON: What are you talking about?! (Ellen hikes up her skirt to show a gash in her leg) Jesus Christ!
ELLEN: I made that gash to show you I can endure the torture that will inevitably come.
MAYOR SARANDON: No one’s going to torture you, God, let me get a bandage for you. (Mayor Sarandon goes to the bathroom, grabs a bandage and goes back over to Ellen, kneels down to her leg and patches it up. He then stands back up) Why did you do that?!
ELLEN: For you, my love.
MAYOR SARANDON: Wow.
ELLEN: But, you decided to agree with me too early, so the whole thing was a bust.
(A knocking is heard)
MAYOR SARANDON: Shit, go hide. (Ellen runs away and Mayor Sarandon goes to the door and opens it to see Ethan) Hi there, guys!
ETHAN: Hello, Mr. Mayor. Are you ready to go?
MAYOR SARANDON: I don’t know if I should go, I had a dreadful dream last night.
ETHAN: What was the dream, sir?
MAYOR SARANDON: It was a dream where I was friends with Matt LeBlanc, but he didn’t look like Matt LeBlanc, I was naked fighting the Grinch on the roof of my old house back in Montpelier, but I was rescued by my High School Chemistry teacher Mr. Calcutta.
ETHAN: You should go to the hearing.
MAYOR SARANDON: Okay.
(Mayor Sarandon leaves and shuts the door behind him. Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Sarah, Michelle, Michael, Scott and Oleander in Brennan’s room)
MICHAEL: It’s nice of you guys to invite us over to hang out, but there seems to be some sort of pretense, like you have something to tell us.
RYAN: Well, we sort of do. Um…I’m just going to come right out with it. No bias, no bull, just no beating around the bush, no stalling, I’m just going to up and tell you what you need to know and I am going to do that momentarily-
MICHELLE: You’re beating around the bush, stalling and bullshitting, just tell us.
RYAN: Um…Brennan and I have entered into a relationship. So, I just wanted you all to know so that nothing is weird.
SARAH: Wow. Nice. You invited Michelle and I here to rub it in our face that you have a new relationship only a month after we broke up.
RYAN: What? No, we’re trying to reach out.
SCOTT: More like reach around.
RYAN: Oh, come on, that’s low.
SCOTT: A reach around is where you fuck someone in the ass and then you reach around to jerk them off at the same time-
RYAN: I know what is! Why would I be upset if I didn’t?!
MICHELLE: Listen, if you’re really going to do this to add insult to injury then I have an announcement too, I’m dating Scott!
BRENNAN: Are you guys serious?!
SARAH: Why not?! I’m dating Michael!
MICHAEL: Please rub your relationships in their faces more often!
OLEANDER: I guess I’m the odd man out. No worries, I’ve been the odd man out for most of my life. I am a triplet.
RYAN: Shut up Olly, this is ridiculously petulant!
MICHELLE: You started it!
BRENNAN: Wow, that’s even more immature! You know what? Ryan and I aren’t in some sort of revenge relationship; we’re in a REAL relationship.
SARAH: Give me a fucking break, you just want attention because “Ooh! We’re the gay couple in school! Look at us! Don’t hate us because we love each other!”
RYAN: People shouldn’t hate us because we love each other.
SARAH: I hate you because you guys love each other.
SCOTT: I’m sorry, are the relationships still on?
MICHELLE: Yes! I am going to STOOP to your level!
(Michelle puts her arm around Scott)
SCOTT: You’re getting back at Ryan for having a revenge relationship by having a revenge relationship! How eh-ronic.
MICHELLE: Don’t pronounce ironic like that.
SCOTT: You’re pronouncing it the mainstream way.
MICHELLE: Shut up before I change my mind.
SCOTT: Got it.
SARAH: I am also for real dating Michael.
(Sarah puts her arm around Michael)
MICHAEL: I am in a state of bliss.
OLEANDER: Despair here.
RYAN: Oh my God, this is ridiculous. Just, everyone get out of my house.
BRENNAN: My house, but yeah, leave.
(Michelle and Sarah flip Ryan off and leave the room with their respective “boyfriends”, who make obscene gestures mimicking cunnlingus before leaving)
OLEANDER: Am I cool to stay, or-
OLEANDER: Got it.
(Oleander leaves the room. Cut to Jacob and Kirsten talking to Ms. Marshall, who is sober)
KIRSTEN: Ms. Marshall, nice to see you here…sober.
MS. MARSHALL: Yes, I’m going through the six steps.
JACOB: You mean the twelve steps?
MS. MARSHALL: Well, I’m doing the twelve steps, but I’m taking a page from my sixth grade math class and only doing the evens.
KIRSTEN: …Good luck with that.
MS. MARSHALL: Yes.
KIRSTEN: Hey Jacob, look over there!
(Cut to an area in the corner where Luther, Natasha, Preston and Faith are talking next to a sign reading “Improv”)
KIRSTEN: There’s some fun improv going on over there, we should go join in.
JACOB: But Kirsten, I don’t know how to pretend like I’m pouring a glass of water.
KIRSTEN: Just pretend that you’re Ryan Smiles. Let’s go! (Kirsten drags Jacob over to the improv area) Is this the improv area?
LUTHER: Yeah, we’re going to do some improv games. You want in, Kirsten?
PRESTON: Does Jacob?
JACOB: I’m fine.
KIRSTEN: C’mon Jacob, we’ll all be bad at it, just be bad with us.
JACOB: I’ll let the theatre people do their magic.
KIRSTEN: C’mon Jacob, we’re all bad at it, just be bad with us.
JACOB: You already said that and Kirsten, I already said no. Okay?
KIRSTEN: …Fine. You can watch. Maybe pick up some tips.
(Kirsten walks over to the improv area while Jacob stands over by a wall)
PRESTON: Just consider me Jim Carey, because I will be calling this game.
NATASHA: Don’t you mean Drew Carey?
PRESTON: Actually, I meant Carrie Underwood.
NATASHA: So that makes even less sense.
PRESTON: This game is called “Alphabet”. You improvise a scene, but every line has to begin with a letter of the alphabet, in order until you come around to the one you started with, now we need a suggestion of a letter?
PRESTON: I heard Q, now we need a suggestion of a profession?
PRESTON: Detectives it is! Now for this scene, we need myself, Luther and our hot female assistant Kirsten and our other assistant, Natasha.
NATASHA: Jesus Christ.
(Natasha, Preston, Luther and Kirsten get into place as Faith backs away. Preston and Luther pretend to look on the ground with magnifying glasses while Kirsten and Natasha stand by and write things on notepads)
LUTHER: Queer thing that we use magnifying glasses in the year 2013.
PRESTON: Right, right, usually you see this in fiction and stuff. Anyway, (they stand up straight) we need to figure out who committed this murder.
LUTHER: Seven roller bladers dead in a pool of blood.
PRESTON: Tell me, sweetheart, what’s your cute opinion about this murder, sweetheart?
KIRSTEN: Understand that I’m not your sweetheart and my opinion is that these men were killed by the teamsters, the mafia and Al Qaeda.
LUTHER: Vivian, do you have a better theory?
NATASHA: Wendell! (Points to Preston) It was Wendell!
PRESTON: Xerox me some proof!
LUTHER: You need your proof Xeroxed?
KIRSTEN: Zany detective.
PRESTON: And laminated!
LUTHER: Beth, do you have Xeroxed, laminated proof that Wendell killed these roller bladers?
NATASHA: Can’t find a Kinko’s.
KIRSTEN: Definitely Preston-I mean, Wendell.
PRESTON: I did not commit this heinous act, nor have I ever committed a heinous act.
KIRSTEN: Your letter was E.
(Cut to Jacob and Kirsten talking in a closet)
KIRSTEN: Why won’t you do anything fun with me?
JACOB: I don’t like being in those kinds of situations, I didn’t want to be embarrassed.
KIRSTEN: Did you really think anybody was going to make fun of you?
JACOB: It doesn’t matter what THEY’RE going to do, I don’t like doing what theatre people do! I’m sorry!
KIRSTEN: I don’t like, I don’t like, I don’t like, what do you like? Besides smoking weed anyway?
JACOB: Don’t be ridiculous, I have interests.
KIRSTEN: What do you want?
JACOB: You know what I want.
KIRSTEN: No, I don’t, I never have.
JACOB: Yeah, you do.
(Jacob puts his arms around her waist)
KIRSTEN: There has to be more than this.
JACOB: There isn’t.
(Jacob starts kissing Kirsten, and she gives in. They go down to the floor and they start removing clothes. Cut to Mayor Sarandon in the back of the car with Ethan and Evan)
ETHAN: Have a good breakfast, Mr. Mayor?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, very good.
ETHAN’S INNER MONOLOGUE: Probably had Evan’s wife’s pussy. God, I can’t wait until I’m Mayor. I mean, I guess I feel a little bad, but he’s unfit for office. He shouldn’t be surprised he’ll be pulling a knife out of his back. God, how long is this car ride? I feel…(His eyes become heavy) tired…
(He nods off. Cut to Chairman Sloane)
CHAIRMAN SLOANE: Next, we shall have Mayor Brian Leonard Sarandon testify for the council. Mr. Sarandon?
(Mayor Sarandon walks through the door with Ethan and Buddy, the dad from TDEP19, by his side. Mayor Sarandon walks to the table where he is supposed to testify. Ethan grabs Mayor Sarandon’s arm)
ETHAN: Sir, you forgot something.
MAYOR SARANDON: What?
ETHAN: Oh, just a salient point!
(Ethan unsheathes a knife and stabs Mayor Sarandon in the stomach)
MAYOR SARANDON: AHGGHHHH! (Blood pours from Mayor Sarandon’s mouth) Is no one going to help me?!
(Cut to Evan having sex with Sandra Farmella on the floor of the city council)
EVAN: No, I don’t think so.
(Cut to Mordecai Lautenberg writing “BABY RAPIST” on a poster of Mayor Sarandon)
(Cut to Vice Chair Edelman showing her tits)
VICE CHAIR EDELMAN: I definitely won’t.
(Cut to Ethan taking the knife out of Mayor Sarandon’s chest as Sarandon falls to the ground)
ETHAN: Then I guess we have consensus. I hope your enjoy your permanent leave of absence, Mayor Sarandon. Or should I say, leave of ABSINTHE?!
(Ethan takes out a bottle of absinthe and begins pouring it all over Mayor Sarandon as he screams in agony. Ethan empties the bottle and then throws it on Sarandon. As Sarandon agonizes, Ethan laughs maniacally. Then, cut to Mayor Sarandon shaking Ethan awake)
MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan!
ETHAN: AH! Sorry. I was having a dream. A terrible, yet strangely satisfying…dream.
MAYOR SARANDON: Enough about your wet dreams. Let’s go to the hearing.
(Mayor Sarandon and Ethan get out of the car. Mayor Sarandon and Ethan walk into a media circus with cameras flashing everywhere)
REPORTER: Did you have sex with Ellen Alexander?
REPORTER 1: Can you bite your upper lip for the cameras?
REPORTER 2: BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!
(The press circus goes silent)
MAYOR SARANDON: Who said that?
(The press moves out of the way to reveal a slatternly, homely reporter)
REPORTER 2: I did.
MAYOR SARANDON: Who are you?
REPORTER: He’s a soothsayer.
MAYOR SARANDON: What?
SOOTHSAYER: I’m from The National Enquirer.
MAYOR SARANDON: Oh. Anyway, what did you say?
SOOTHSAYER: BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!
MAYOR SARANDON: Today is the Ides of March.
SOOTHSAYER: Precisely. Heed my warning or you will regret it!
MAYOR SARANDON: …This man knows not of what he speaks. Let’s go inside, Ethan.
(Ethan mouths “thank god” and walks inside with Mayor Sarandon. Cut to Mayor Sarandon standing up at the testimony table with his right hand raised)
CHAIRMAN SLOANE: Brian Leonard Sarandon, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?
MAYOR SARANDON: I do.
(Mayor Sarandon sits down as Ethan hands a manila folder to Chairman Sloane and then sits behind Mayor Sarandon. Chairman Sloane opens the manila folder to see a picture of Mayor Sarandon taking Ellen Alexander anally. Sarandon is wearing a Mickey Mouse hat. Below the picture, Ethan writes the caption “The truth, the HOLE truth and nothing but the truth”. He smiles and then closes the folder)
CHAIRMAN SLOANE: Mr. Mayor, thank you so much for coming here, we really appreciate. I’m not going to beat around the bush, did you ever have sexual relations with Ellen Alexander?
MAYOR SARANDON: I absolutely did not. I value the institution of marriage too much to sully it with such torrid acts.
CHAIRMAN SLOANE: I see. Have you ever used city funds to fund an affair with Ellen Alexander?
MAYOR SARANDON: Absolutely not, I have never used city funds to fund an affair with Ellen Alexander because I never had an affair with Ellen Alexander, now, can we dispense with this scurrilous and perfunctory proceeding?
CHAIRMAN SLOANE: I don’t think so, Mr. Mayor. Are you willing to say that this picture, which I will designate as exhibit B (He holds up the picture, to gasps) is not you putting exhibit D into Mrs. Alexander’s exhibit A?
MAYOR SARANDON: WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?!
CHAIRMAN SLOANE: It’s irrelevant where I got it sir, what is relevant is that you are a perjurer. You swore an oath to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God. Is that not correct?
MAYOR SARANDON: I-I-I-I-I-I-Can we take a break? I have an ice cream in my car, I-
CHAIRMAN SLOANE: No need to recess. We will simply adjourn. You need to lawyer up, Mr. Mayor. City Council adjourned.
(Chairman Sloane slams the gavel; Mayor Sarandon and Ethan get up and are immediately bombarded by the press)
REPORTER: Are you a perjurer?!
REPORTER 2: Will you resign?!
REPORTER 3: Who looks good for the World Series this year? Yankees?
(Mayor Sarandon and Ethan try to squeeze out the door. Cut to Mayor Sarandon on the phone in his office with Ethan standing by)
MAYOR SARANDON: Attorney General Sorrell, I will do ANYTHING to avoid some frivolous legal battle!
(Cut to Attorney General William Sorrell with a golf club in his hand and some balls in front of him and a coffee cup on the other side of the room, on the ground. He’s on speaker phone with Mayor Sarandon)
ATTORNEY GENERAL SORRELL: Oh, I’ve got one thing you could for me to avoid a legal battle.
(Cut back to Sarandon)
MAYOR SARANDON: Anything!
(Cut back to Sorrell. Now he’s holding a tennis racket and a tennis ball in the other hand. There is inexplicably a small net in the middle of his office and he’s wearing shorts, a polo and a sweat band)
GENERAL SORRELL: Resign.
(Cut back to Mayor Sarandon)
MAYOR SARANDON: …Anything else?
GENERAL SORRELL: (On the phone) Look, it’s not a hard decision. You either stay in office and you go to jail until the year 2028 because it’s an open and shut case OR you resign and we drop the case.
MAYOR SARANDON: …Fine. I’ll resign if you drop the case.
(You hear a ball breaking something on the other line)
GENERAL SORRELL: Great. Congratulations, former Mayor Sarandon.
(Mayor Sarandon slams the phone. Cut to Ryan and Brennan at Bernie’s Grinders. Brennan has a sandwich in front of him)
RYAN: I really can’t believe we’re doing this.
BRENNAN: Yeah, well we’ve got to WIN! I mean, Mott V. Breryan? No contest!
(Cut to Michelle and Scott in a booth across the restaurant. They both have sandwiches)
MICHELLE: So, how is your band doing?
SCOTT: Um, should we really be talking about my band, because Ryan’s in it and you’re trying to show how over you are with him.
MICHELLE: Right, right, right….so, do Ryan and you work well together in that band?
SCOTT: You’re not even trying!
MICHELLE: Fuck this.
(Michelle goes over to Scott’s side of the booth and starts making out with him so she can see Ryan’s response)
RYAN: Oh my God, fuck her.
BRENNAN: I know, how uncool. Scott’s mouth probably tastes like plaid anyway, I’m sure she hates it, buddy.
RYAN: God, it stresses me out that we have to do this bullshit.
BRENNAN: We don’t.
(Cut to Sarah and Michael in a booth)
SARAH: They’re kicking our asses!
MICHAEL: Yeah, we need to step it up a notch. Go down on me.
SARAH: Wow, no.
MICHAEL: You’re right, let me go down on you, that would elicit more jealousy.
SARAH: Neither! Let’s just…talk!
MICHAEL: Okay. (Pause) So, I found this really cool dub step the other day, it goes like-
(He starts verbally imitating the way the dub step song goes, massively irritating Sarah)
SARAH: Jesus-(He stops) let’s just make out.
(Michael goes over to Sarah’s side of the booth and starts making out with her. Cut back to Ryan, who sees this)
RYAN: Jesus Christ, how old are we?
(Ryan grimaces and puts his head down on the table in apparent pain)
BRENNAN: I know dude, it’s ridiculous, why don’t we just leave? We should definitely leave if this is having the intended effect, which it definitely is. (Ryan keels over and vomits on the ground) Ugh, there it is.
(Cut to Michelle and Scott making out. They stop once Michelle sees what happened)
MICHELLE: Oh, God.
(Michelle runs over to Ryan’s booth with a disappointed Scott. Sarah and Michael also rush over to the booth)
SARAH: Are you okay, Ryan?
(Ryan lifts his head)
RYAN: Yeah, sorry. I puke when I get really stressed.
SARAH: When we were dating, I would say that we should just get married because I was so used to cleaning up his puke.
MICHAEL: That’s heartwarming. Anyway, dude, I’m really sorry about making out with Sarah.
SCOTT: Yeah, total dick moves on our parts.
RYAN: I’d say it’s more the fault of a certain two wanton slatterns that enticed you with their siren songs.
MICHELLE: Yes. You’re right. I shouldn’t have done that, it was very immature of me.
SARAH: Me as well. But here’s my question, why did you invite us to your relationship coming out party?
RYAN: …First of all, it was Brennan’s bad idea.
RYAN: But mostly, I didn’t want things to be weird anymore. I didn’t want it to be a big deal if I started going out with someone else. But Michelle made it a massive deal burger on a sesame-seed deal bun, clearly.
MICHELLE: Well, me and Sarah.
RYAN: I said both of you.
MICHELLE: No, you didn’t.
RYAN: Yes, I did. Michelle, I know I did.
(Flashback to the New Year’s 2013 Party at Sarah’s house. Delaware, Sarah, Scott, Valerie and others are in a big group in Sarah’s living room)
MICHELLE: You just gave Valerie that Oxycodone!
DELAWARE: No I didn’t!
MICHELLE: Yes you did, everybody just saw you! Scott, you saw him do it right?
SCOTT: I didn’t see anything.
(Cut back to Michelle, Ryan, Sarah, Brennan, Scott and Michael at Bernie’s Grinders)
MICHELLE: NO YOU DIDN’T!
(Michelle knocks over a salt shaker and storms off. As they stare in shock, the song “All Apologies” by Nirvana starts playing. Cut to Mayor Sarandon in a YouTube video, at his desk, delivering a resignation speech. Evan is watching it. The video is called “Mayor Sarandon resigns effective immediately”. Cut to Ethan taking the oath of office, as administered by Judge McGlynn while Kimberly holds the bible and Ryan and Jacob look on. Cut to Jacob and Kirsten coming out of the closet, all disheveled and trying to put themselves back together, hair-wise. Kirsten looks angry and walks away from Jacob, who throws up his hands. Cut to Jacob with his hands down his pants late at night in the dark game room watching “Whose Line is it Anyway?”. He takes the clear balloon full of weed smoke off of his vape and inhales it and then exhales it. Cut to Kirsten laughing while talking to Natasha, Luther, Faith and Preston in the ball room while Jacob looks on, far in the background, near the entrance doors. Then cut to Kirsten walking up to Alex the drug dealer late at night in her driveway. She hands him money and he hands her a dime bag of weed. Cut to Michelle in bed, late at night writing a text to Ryan. The text reads “Hey, srry about earlier. U just”, but is incomplete. She stares at it for a while but then puts the phone on her bedside table. Cut to Ethan sitting in his new desk with Evan and Kimberly on each side. He looks elated and he has a new plaque reading “ETHAN M. DONAHUE, MAYOR, HANSBAY, VERMONT”. He spins around once in his chair, much to Evan and Kimberly’s delight. For the rest of the song that repeats “All in all is all we are” over and over again, it shows a scene of Ryan and Brennan walking down the sidewalk, talking, when they see Sarah walking towards them. Suddenly, they jump in opposite directions, Ryan hides behind a trash can and Brennan hides in a bush, making Sarah laugh. Cut to Jacob asleep while watching “Whose Line”. Cut to Kirsten smoking a joint at the side of her house. She takes a puff and goes into a massive coughing fit. Cut to Mayor Sarandon walking out of the Hansbay town hall. He submerges himself into a limousine, but then comes out and does a Nixon-style salute. He then submerges into the limousine and the limousine drives away down the road as the camera pans out and the songs ends. Fade to black)
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Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
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