“SAINT PATRICK’S DAY”
“Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling from glen to glen, and down the mountain side. The summer's gone, and all the flowers are dying, 'tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide”
(We start with Ethan and Kimberly in bed, naked with sheets covering them. They appear to have just had sex, due to a satisfied “refractory period” look on their faces)
KIMBERLY: I thoroughly enjoy calling you “Mr. Mayor” when we have sex.
ETHAN: I thoroughly enjoy being called “Mr. Mayor” when we have sex.
KIMBERLY: You also thoroughly enjoy having sex with me, right?
ETHAN: Oh yeah, yeah, definitely. I just wish you would’ve let me wear the sash.
KIMBERLY: It would’ve gotten in the way.
ETHAN: Well, never matter.
(Ethan gets up)
KIMBERLY: Where are you going?
(Ethan grabs some underwear and starts putting them on)
ETHAN: My Mayoral duties call me to cut the ribbon for Jacob’s Saint Patrick’s Day Dash to the Rainbow.
KIMBERLY: I can’t believe he’s finally doing that, he’s been talking about it for years.
(Flashback to a nine-year old Jacob talking to a 38-year old Ethan and a 36-year old Kimberly in their living room in February 2004. There are two signs in the room, one of which say “HOWARD DEAN FOR AMERICA 2004” and the other one says “BUSH/CHENEY 2004, VOTE AGAINST TERRORISM”. Ethan and Kimberly are both reading the newspapers)
JACOB: And there’s gonna be a starting line colored like a rainbow and there’s gonna be a pot of gold at the end.
KIMBERLY: Oh, that’s nice, honey.
(Cut to a ten year old Jacob talking to a 39-year old Ethan and a 37-year old Kimberly in their living room in February 2005. A nine year old Ryan and an eleven year old Madeline are sitting nearby. Ethan and Kimberly are wearing Patriots Jerseys and cheering loudly while Jacob yells over them)
JACOB: I’M GOING TO HAVE A MIDGET IN A LEPRECHAUN SUIT SHOOT THE OPENING SHOT AND START THE RACE!
ETHAN: SUCK IT, EAGLES! I’m sorry kids, I mean to say…stink it?
(Cut to a 41-year old Ethan and a 39-year old Kimberly playing Wii bowling in February 2007 while a 12-year old Jacob talks to them)
JACOB: I want real gold, from like Fort Knox, none of that chocolate-filled bullshit.
ETHAN: God, this console will never get old.
(Cut to a 44-year old Ethan, a 42-year old Kimberly, a 14-year old Ryan and a 16-year old Madeline cuddled up together in a blanket in a dark living room with a blizzard raging outside while a 15-year old Jacob sits a foot from them, talking)
JACOB: I’m really going to do this, I’m hoping I can get Louis C.K. to host it, you know, he’s Irish, I figure it could work.
ETHAN: (Shivering, teeth clattering) Shut…up…
(Cut back to modern day, Ethan is now in a suit and a bright green tie)
KIMBERLY: Okay, well, I’ll be there.
ETHAN: I’m glad.
(Kimberly gets up)
KIMBERLY: By the way, (she takes out a pamphlet that says “IRISH REPLETION ASSOCIATION” and shows a clover and reads “Meeting on the third Sunday of every month in 2013”) the Donahues are Irish, so we’re Irish, and I feel like it’s high time we take pride in that, so I found this Irish Repletion Association.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, repletion means satiation, so they’re essentially satiating their urge to take pride in their Irish heritage, and I think we should do the same by going to this meeting.
ETHAN: I wouldn’t have a problem with that.
KIMBERLY: I don’t know if you know this, but your family moved here due to the fact the potato famine was draining their resources of food and alcohol, plus an unprecedented sheep shortage was draining their resources of sexual gratification, so they toiled on steam ships to come here and settle in for a new life, so that we could have the opportunities we have today. So you could be acting Mayor of Hansbay, in a sense. Do you want to go?
ETHAN: Absolutely. After I shoot the gun to open the race, we’ll go to that meeting.
KIMBERLY: Great. I think it’ll show a profound respect for Irish men and women. Now I have to go find a green dress that doesn’t make me look like a slutty Irish bar maiden.
(Kimberly gets up and walks into her bathroom. Cut to Ryan, Cooper, Scott, Mr. Proskovec and the rest in group therapy. They’re all wearing green except for Ryan, who has green highlights in his hair)
MR. PROSKOVEC: Well, here we are everybody. Sunday, March 17, 2013. Saint Patty’s Day! When we started these sessions five months ago, I asked my secretary what an appropriate day was to end the five months of group therapy and she chose today. Saint Patrick’s Day 2013. I thought the idea was ludicrous, sadistic, even. Forcing a bunch of drug addicts and alcoholics to stay completely clean for their last day of therapy on the day when everybody in the world is coloring their liver green by drinking like an Irishman even if their fucking Lithuanian or British or Cambodian-Canadian. However, I forgot about that discrepancy until now, so it’s too late!
RYAN: How is it-?
MR. PROSKOVEC: IT’S TOO LATE! Luckily, I have created a buddy system. Each of you will stay with another one of you throughout the day and make sure you don’t succumb to drugs or alcohol. Not a drop, not a tab, not a huff, not a puff, not a butt chug. Nothing. Understood? (They all mumble in agreement) Good. In the meantime, does anybody have any shares?
RYAN: Well, personally, I fell off the wagon two and a half months ago.
MR. PROSKOVEC: Was the wagon full of drugs?
RYAN: No, it was not.
MR. PROSKOVEC: Fuck. Have you made any progress?
RYAN: Well, I haven’t done ecstasy in a month. But I still do Xanax, I drink alcohol and cough syrup and I had a shamrock shake this morning.
MR. PROSKOVEC: Well, shit. Five months and we’ve got barely anything to show for it.
RYAN: There was a period of one or two months where I did very little, if any, drugs.
MR. PROSKOVEC: Relapse. It’s not just the name of an energy drink or an Eminem album, it’s REAL! And you guys might have to deal with it occasionally. Just remember, it’s only an abhorrent symptom of a crippling substance abuse problem, it can’t hurt you.
COOPER: Sounds like it could definitely hurt us.
SCOTT: Who are our partners?
MR. PROSKOVEC: Besides Jesus? Ryan and Scott, Tim and Jim, Carl and Tetris, Jane and Scarlett, Jack and Peter, Cameroon and Mozambique, Vernessa and Petey-Boy and Cooper and-ouchie! Odd man out! How about you go with Cameroon and Mozambique?
COOPER: No, I’m going with Ryan and Scott.
MR. PROSKOVEC: You’re going with Cameroon and Mozambique.
COOPER: C’mon, Mr. Proskovec, my buddies are Ryan and Scott!
MR. PROSKOVEC: Cooper, Cameroon and Mozambique.
COOPER: Ryan and Scott it is!
(Cut to Mayor Donahue at the start of the Saint Patrick’s Day Race to the Rainbow. The starting line is a rainbow drawn on the ground at the beginning of a running path in the park. There is a ribbon strung above the starting line. There is a large banner reading “1ST ANNUAL SAINT PATRICK’S DAY RUSH TO THE RAINBOW”. Mayor Donahue is standing near a microphone, next to Kimberly, who is in a green dress, Jacob, who is wearing green and Evan, who is wearing a green tie. There are many competitors there in running gear like, Trey Goodlatte, Colleen, Chris Hayes, Irville Satch, Amy Blumenthal, Sarah, Michelle, Principal Maxell, Ms. Pinicetti, Rob, Jamie and others)
ETHAN: Attention, attention, citizens of Hansbay. I am your Mayor, Ethan Donahue. (Everybody applauds) Thank you, thank you. (The applause dies down) It was unfortunate to see former Mayor Sarandon leave, but we appreciate his service.
CHRIS HAYES: NO WE DON’T!
ETHAN: Anyway, I am proud to shoot the gun, (Ethan holds up the starting gun) which I’m glad President Obama hasn’t gotten his hands on yet, to start the race. Also, hand me the ceremonial oversized scissors, Mr. Alexander. (Evan hands Ethan the oversized scissors) Thank you. Now, I will cut the ribbon and shoot the gun AT THE SAME FREAKIN’ TIME. Don’t think I can do it? Shows how much you knew.
JACOB: How much we knew?
(Former Mayor Sarandon walks over in running gear)
BRIAN: HELLO, MR. MAYOR!
ETHAN: Wow, former Mayor Sarandon, everybody!
(Ethan and Evan clap, but nobody else does. Eventually, they just stop clapping)
BRIAN: You just love putting that “former” before my name, don’t you?
ETHAN: No, it’s just…accurate.
BRIAN: Well, I may look washed up now-
EVAN: You do.
BRIAN: Yeah, I-I conceded that. But I wasn’t born yesterday. I was born on September 11, 1971.
ETHAN: You’re ten years off, listen, Brian, I’m sorry you had to resign, but, sometimes things just work out like that.
BRIAN: I was only a month and a half into my fourth term! I had such big plans! I was gonna flip Mayor Bloomberg off by requiring that all sodas be eighteen ounces of pure corn syrup, I was going to require bazooka ownership AND I was going to bring the Olympics to Hansbay. But NOOO perjury!
ETHAN: Actually, yes perjury.
BRIAN: And now, I am announcing here, formally, that I am going to run for the special election to determine who is the next Mayor of Hansbay.
ETHAN: We haven’t even determined when the special election will be held, plus, I’M running as well.
BRIAN: May the best DUMBASS win.
ETHAN: That would imply you’re also a dumbass.
BRIAN: Screw this! I’m going to run in this dash to the rainbow and you guys can’t do shit to stop me.
ETHAN: Okay then. (Ethan somehow manages to cumbersomely use hand to cut the ribbon and then he shoots the gun, causing Brian to charge and everybody else to run as Ethan jumps out of their way) GOOD LUCK! Fucking jackass.
KIMBERLY: I know. Good job on putting this together, Jacob.
JACOB: Thanks. I worked hard on it.
ETHAN: Why aren’t you running in it?
JACOB: Two-pronged approach.
JACOB: I’m heading up operations and providing water.
KIMBERLY: I thought Amy Blumenthal was providing water.
(Amy walks over with a bin full of empty water bottles)
AMY: I brought bottles, but no water! Go green.
JACOB: Wow. Do we have a water fountain or a cooler?
AMY: Let’s hope for rain!
KIMBERLY: You should go run, Jacob. Catch up to your girlfriend.
ETHAN: Didn’t Megan Fox tell you that you should run a week ago?
KIMBERLY: Yeah, but we’re going to that meeting remember, sweetheart?
ETHAN: Ah, yes. The meeting. Good luck with the whole race thing.
(Ethan and Kimberly walk off)
AMY: It’s really coming down.
JACOB: No, it’s not.
(Cut to a conference room filled with Irish men. There is a safe in it and a man at the head of a table. They are all wearing green neckties, or other sort of green attire. A banner reads “Irish Repletion Association Monthly Meeting)
CHAIRMAN: Welcome to the third meeting of the year for the Irish Repletion Association. It is Saint Patrick’s Day, of course. The day of Lenten where restrictions on drinkin’ are lifted, eh?
(They lift pitchers of green beer)
(They drink them and put them down)
MEMBER: Wait, there were restrictions on drinking?
CHAIRMAN: Anyway, we now gather to praise Saint Patrick in his divinity. And we also-
(Ethan and Kimberly come in and the members turn around to see them. They get up)
ETHAN: Hi everybody!
CHAIRMAN: Mr. Mayor, I am so glad you could show up. Most Mayors don’t have the hully-wiggins to come here.
ETHAN: Oh, I have hully-wiggins. (Whispering to Kimberly) The fuck are hully-wiggins?
KIMBERLY: (Whispering) Balls in Gaelic I think?
CHAIRMAN: Please, have a seat.
(Ethan and Kimberly sit down and a waiter wearing green comes over)
WAITER: Would you like green beer, sir?
ETHAN: Christ, it’s 10am; I’ll have an Irish whiskey.
KIMBERLY: That’s stronger.
ETHAN: Hey, it’s Saint Patrick’s Day.
WAITER: Right away, Mr. Mayor.
(The waiter walks away)
CHAIRMAN: Anyway, first thing on the itinerary is Irish pride. Many of us are descendants who people who suffered through the potato famine or the Irish War of Independence or “Zombie” by the Cranberries, so we’re familiar with the pain of our former brothers. We must FIGHT (He punctuates this with banging his fist on the table, which throws Ethan off) FOR OUR BROTHERS!
ETHAN: Woo…? (The waiter hands him the Irish whiskey) Thank you.
CHAIRMAN: So, the first question I’ll pose during this meeting is where will we keep everything?
MEMBER: I say we keep it here; this state has the loosest gun laws in the nation.
KIMBERLY: I’m sorry, what about guns?
CHAIRMAN: Oh, we’re thinking about where to put our guns.
ETHAN: Yeah Kimmy, the Irish love guns, just relax. What shooting range are we gonna fire them at?
MEMBER 2: I wish we could fire at one in London.
(Everybody except Ethan and Kimberly laugh)
ETHAN: That’s kind of far away.
CHAIRMAN: We’ll shoot at Uncle Gunny’s Guns, Guns and Firearms.
CHAIRMAN: On the way though, we have to pick up fertilizer.
KIMBERLY: (Whispering) Why would they need fertilizer?
ETHAN: Probably for their potato crops, just calm down. Let’s go!
CHAIRMAN: Slow your roll, Chairman Collins, we have to make glittery arts and crafts posters about why we’re proud to be Irish first.
ETHAN: (Whispering) See? We’re fine. (Not whispering) Gladly. Where’s the glitter?
CHAIRMAN: Let me get it for you. (He reaches down under the desk) Let’s see here, oh, I think I found it, wait, ugh, that’s a powdery substance but it’s not glitter, here’s the glitter! (He takes out a can of glitter and puts it on the table) There’s glitter, (He takes out a box of crayons) crayons, (he takes out construction paper) construction paper, (he takes out a handgun and places it on the table facing him) a gun and (he takes out some scissors and puts them on the table) some scissors.
KIMBERLY: Why the gun?
CHAIRMAN: Are you trying to register my firearm?
ETHAN: No she’s not; can I have some manila paper and a green crayon please?
CHAIRMAN: Ooh, sorry, we don’t have green crayons.
(Cut to the chairman, the other members, Ethan and Kimberly at an appliance store talking to an employee)
CHAIRMAN: This fertilizer is WAY overpriced! I got a machete in Toledo for half this price! Scratch that!
EMPLOYEE: Scratch that…?
CHAIRMAN: Scratch the machete, bitch!
ETHAN: Whoa, just calm down.
CHAIRMAN: I DEMAND FREE FERTILIZER!
(Cut to an indoor shooting range. The members, including the chairman, are shooting at targets in the background while wearing goggles and ear protection. Ethan and Kimberly are talking)
KIMBERLY: DO YOU NOT NOTICE SOMETHING STRANGE HERE?!
ETHAN: DON’T BE SO LOUD!!
KIMBERLY: WE CAN’T COMMUNICATE OTHERWISE!
ETHAN: HOLD ON! (Ethan opens the door and they both go outside the room and take off their ear muffs and eye gear) What’s up?
KIMBERLY: DON’T YOU NOTICE SOMETHING-
ETHAN: We’re not in there anymore.
KIMBERLY: Oh yeah. But anyway, don’t you notice something strange here?
ETHAN: With the Irish Repletion Association?
ETHAN: What’s strange about them?
KIMBERLY: The shooting, the talking shit about British people, the drinking-
ETHAN: Kimberly, you’re describing Saint Patrick’s Day.
KIMBERLY: I don’t know, it all seems fishy.
ETHAN: You’re being paranoid.
KIMBERLY: I’m being paranoid?
KIMBERLY: What are they shooting in there?
(Cut to the members shooting cardboard cut-outs of British Prime Minister David Cameron, Queen Elizabeth and former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom David Lloyd George. Cut back)
ETHAN: Who doesn’t hate that waving bitch?
KIMBERLY: Who gets their jollies out of shooting effigies of 86-year old women?
ETHAN: Yeah, it’s a little weird, but it doesn’t mean they’re up to anything nefarious; they wouldn’t be stupid enough to let the Mayor of their city come to a meeting that involves illegal activities.
KIMBERLY: We are talking about the stupidity of Irish people, though.
(A member walks out of the shooting range)
MEMBER: Who has a potato gun? Can a potato gun shoot bullets?
ETHAN: (Irish accent) Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
(Cut to Ryan, Cooper and Scott sitting in Scott’s game room while Scott plays a GameCube)
SCOTT: Should I listen to the bird man?
COOPER: It seems like The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker was always funnier when I was high.
RYAN: Yeah, I remember I kept thinking the moon would actually crash into the Earth if he didn’t succeed.
SCOTT: Why would the moon actually crashing into the Earth be funny?
RYAN: Stop it! You’re gonna kill me!
COOPER: You know what? This whole “challenge” is bullshit!
SCOTT: What do you mean?
COOPER: Since when is our problem alcohol?
SCOTT: Our problem is addiction.
RYAN: I was never addicted to shit. I would say my inclination to take certain pills was as addicting as Doritos.
SCOTT: Okay, so completely addicting.
RYAN: Yes, but I didn’t have to compete with a goat to hoard the most ecstasy.
COOPER: I have Svedka in my car; let’s celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day right! As long as we don’t take drugs, we’ll have won!
SCOTT: We’re making dangerous exceptions here.
COOPER: I’m only going to the gym every OTHER day, also.
RYAN: Go get the booze; I’ll call Brennan and Michael.
COOPER: Got it!
(Cooper gets up and leaves the room, Ryan picks up his phone and starts dialing while Scott puts down his controller and puts his hands on his face. Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Michael, Scott and Cooper in Scott’s kitchen. They have Svedka, Ketel One vodka and Seagram’s Extra Day gin)
RYAN: Okay, we have a cornucopia of different brands, here. We have Svedka, which is like Vodka but Swedish and when Cooper first got this bottle, it was just a bottle of wheat and spring water with a set of instructions on how to make Vodka.
COOPER: It was missing a few nails, but I made it work.
RYAN: Next up, Michael brought Ketel One vodka, which is a Dutch brand, and is therefore likely 30% hooker spit.
MICHAEL: 25% by volume.
RYAN: Also, we have Seagram’s Extra Day gin, which is just something I stole from my grandma’s garage over the break.
RYAN: Let’s drink!
COOPER: Wait, Scott, where are your parents?
SCOTT: My mom cheated on my dad, so she’s staying at her sister’s, but my dad thinks she still lives here, so he’s just sleeping in his office.
COOPER: What a gross oversight. Let’s pour!
(Ryan unscrews some orange juice and pours five drinks. He then pours some Svedka into each one, with a little extra for himself. They all pick up glasses, albeit begrudgingly for Scott)
RYAN: It being Saint Patrick’s Day, let us toast to Saint Patrick and his very munificent charitable work as the Archbishop of Armagh!
RYAN: I’m fucking with you guys, let’s toast to not being capable of making good decisions!
(They clink their glasses together and each take drinks. They take sips periodically throughout the rest of their interactions. Michael’s phone goes off and he looks at it)
MICHAEL: Holy shit. I got a text from a girl I know named Michelle.
RYAN: We all know her.
MICHAEL: Anyway, she asked me “what’s up?”
RYAN: What’s your point?
COOPER: Get that bitch over here! She should totally do shots with us.
BRENNAN: I don’t know if we need her to be here.
RYAN: I agree. What if she gets too drunk and we end up like those kids in Steubenville?
(Ryan points to a TV in the living room, which is displaying a CNN anchor reporting on the verdict in the Steubenville, Ohio rape case)
ANCHOR: These two promising young men were convicted of rape in the prime of their youth. They were successful football stars in a small Ohio town; they were the quintessential American rapists. And yet, their youth is ruined by one and two years in prison for a crime they did commit. These rapists had their whole lives ahead of them. They could've traveled the world raping in every corner of the globe. They could've gotten married and raped their wives and had kids and taught them a systemic culture of disrespect for women. Oh, what a pity. Oh, what a waste. How dare that girl who was raped put those raping rapists in jail for rape, they wah jus’ kids!
(Cut back to Ryan, Cooper, Brennan, Michael and Scott)
RYAN: Is no one going to mention the girl who was raped?
SCOTT: Was she a football star?
SCOTT: Then probably not.
COOPER: It doesn’t matter anyway, we would never hurt Michelle.
RYAN: I know, but-
MICHAEL: Then what’s the problem?
BRENNAN: Actually, they have a point. You guys haven’t been together for six months. We’re together, so there shouldn’t be any timidity, right?
RYAN: Carnival Cruises shouldn’t continue to overflow with piss, but that keeps happening.
BRENNAN: Are you saying you still have feelings for her?
RYAN: No, it’s just-
BRENNAN: Then invite her!
MICHAEL: Awesome! How should I broach the subject?
SCOTT: Ask her what the best thing to mix with vodka is.
MICHAEL: That’s a little obvious. That’s like telling someone you have HPV by asking what their favorite venereal disease is.
BRENNAN: Ask her “Wanna do shots lol?”
MICHAEL: Good idea! The word “lol” is the best sanitizer for any text conversation.
RYAN: Ask her “Ohhhhhhhhh…wanna do shots, OHHHHH!”
MICHAEL: Why the “ohs”?
RYAN: It makes you seem eager.
COOPER: Don’t sabotage this, okay? I could potentially get my Cooper Dickson her.
RYAN: Urgh, we’re not really going to try to have sex with Michelle, are we?
(Michael sends something)
BRENNAN: You’re not, but they can do what they want.
RYAN: Right, right, right.
MICHAEL: Shit, I think I just sent the text with all the “ohs”.
COOPER: God damnit, Michael.
(Cut to all of them sitting in Scott’s living room, each of them a little tipsy)
RYAN: You know what’s bullshit? Fuckin’ emo kids are becoming endangered while scene kids are just growing in strength!
COOPER: I could never tell the difference, actually.
BRENNAN: They’re SO different! Emo kids wear darker clothes, cut more, take considerably less selfies-
(Cut to Ryan taking a selfie with his phone. He panics and puts it up)
RYAN: Yes, considerably less.
BRENNAN: We have different music and the emo movement has a leader, who since 2010 has been Lucas Campbell, a 21-year old from Fairfax.
COOPER: So you guys have like, a pope?
MICHAEL: Of sorts. We call him the Hauntiff, the Cope or His Darkness. Anyway, Lucas’ Copacy has seen a decrease in the movement of the Emo brand, unfortunately. A slight uptick in the 12-14 year olds, but who wants that?
RYAN: Fuck that.
BRENNAN: Didn’t you start when you were fourteen?
RYAN: Fuck it.
MICHAEL: A substantial decrease in the vital 15-18 year olds who become emo.
RYAN: It’s fuckin’ bullshit. More kids are interested in His Irony, Antipope Dan Auerbach of the Hipster movement.
SCOTT: Don’t talk shit about the Ironic Father!
(Michael gets a text and picks up his phone)
MICHAEL: Holy shit, she said yes!
BRENNAN: Is that all she said?
MICHAEL: No, she said she has to wait for her mom and dad to go to sleep before she can sneak out and come here.
RYAN: So I guess we’ll play the waiting game.
SCOTT: Isn’t it a school night?
COOPER: Who gives a shit, dude?
MICHAEL: Scott, permission to get head in your office if it comes to that?
SCOTT: It won’t come to that, but permission granted.
RYAN: Are you serious?
SCOTT: I will not be a cock blocker like my granddad. He prevented Truman Capote from getting laid once.
RYAN: (Irish accent) Oh, for the love of corn beef and cabbage.
(Cut to Kirsten running in the Rush to the Rainbow. Irville Satch runs up right next to her)
IRVILLE SATCH: Hi there, sweetheart!
IRVILLE SATCH: Name’s (breath) Irville Satch!
KIRSTEN: Kirsten Snowe!
IRVILLE: Kirsten, (breath) you know how many (breath) Gatorade packets I drank (breath) before this race?
KIRSTEN: Why would I?
IRVILLE: I drank the whole lot! (Breath) I bought ‘em from a guy (breath) who personally pumped (breath) oxygen into Michael Phelps’ lungs (breath) with a tire pump! (Kirsten starts to run faster to get away from Irville) Buy my memoirs!
(He takes out a book entitled “God’s Green Earth: Having the Satch to Make it by Irville Satch, based on the Novel Push by Satchfire with a foreword by James Hoffa Sr.”. Cut to Chris Hayes, who is jogging along the track, and sweating profusely)
CHRIS HAYES: Oh my-(Breath) God, this is-fuckin’ ugh! Why can’t I…(He stops jogging and starts walking) there’s no way most Irish people could do this…I would so much rather be on my Club Penguin account-
(Trey and Colleen run by)
TREY: What was that, Chris Hayes?
CHRIS HAYES: I said I’d rather be smoking than doing this shit!
TREY: ‘Atta boy.
COLLEEN: Trey, we’re so right for each other. We should become one.
TREY: God, Colleeen! We’ll talk about that later!
(They run along and Chris Hayes passes out. Cut to Jacob and Amy at a check point table in the race with numerous McCafes on the table)
JACOB: Amy, McCafes will only dehydrate the runners.
AMY: Ooh, I don’t think so. I once was in a commercial for McDonald’s with a McCafe and I held it on up and said (She holds up a McCafe) McCafe! I like that.
JACOB: Don’t you mean “I’m lovin’ it”?
AMY: I don’t like that.
(Kirsten, Ms. Pinicetti, Michelle, Sarah and Jamie run up to the check point)
MICHELLE: Um, where’s the water?
JACOB: My question is, where’s the guys? I haven’t seen a single guy come by here since the race started, just a bunch of women.
KIRSTEN: I feel like, in the last thirty years that men have been sitting on their asses playing Pac-Man or League of Legends, women kind of snuck past them.
JACOB: You may be right.
MS. PINNICETI: Back to Michelle’s point though, where’s the water?
AMY: We have McCafes.
JAMIE: That’s not going to hydrate us!
JACOB: I know, but Ms. Blumenthal was mean-spirited enough to offer to help with this race.
SARAH: I’m not advocating this necessarily, but I feel like it would be clever to offer beer to the runners, considering the holiday.
JACOB: We don’t have beer.
(Sarah makes a whining noise and playfully claws Michelle’s chest)
MICHELLE: Sarah, that’s only cute when you do it to boys, stop.
JAMIE: Where are we going to get water?
AMY: There’s a stream in the woods.
JAMIE: Awesome, bear urine.
SARAH: Or murderer urine!
JACOB: You know what, ladies? You’re right, we need water. I will call Zach Braff and get a Brita Filter so we can drink that bear urine.
MS. PINNICETI: I like where your head’s at, but I wish your head would just figure out that you should have someone go buy water.
AMY: I’ll do it!
EVERYONE BUT AMY: NO!
(Cut to Former Mayor Sarandon stumbling along the path, exhausted)
BRIAN: I’ll conquer…and divide…the receipts to this goddamn…running get-up…where are the side railings for this fuckin’…running trail? Shit’s unsafe…I’m gonna call the…safe…police.
(Brian walks up to a passed out Chris Hayes and passes out right next to him. Cut to Rob, Irville, Trey, Colleen and Principal Maxell running up to the check point)
ROB: Where’s the water? My body can go fifteen weeks without water, but it’s preferable to have it!
JACOB: Ignoring the fact that that’s physically impossible, we have no water due to Ms. Blumenthal’s well-intentioned efforts.
AMY: I don’t like that.
JACOB: Is your entire life just a series of things you decide you like or don’t like?
AMY: I like that!
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I have to get in shape for my out of shape girlfriend, so I suggest you fucking get water.
JACOB: Calm down, Principal Maxell, I just need to find someone who can get water who won’t get distracted by a McCafe.
IRVILLE: I actually bottle my own water in my backyard; I call it “The Contents of Irville’s Satch”.
JACOB: Why do you call it that?
IRVILLE: Dasani and Aquafina were taken?
JACOB: Fine, can you get some of your water over here?
IRVILLE: Absolutely. It’s all fresh spring water from my backyard. I have a well.
JACOB: I doubt your backyard has a spring.
IRVILLE: I’ll call my brother and have him drop it by.
(Irville takes out his phone. Cut to the Chairman, the members, Ethan and Kimberly staring at an arsenal of weapons in some dark room. Ethan and Kimberly are in shock)
THE CHAIRMAN: These are the weapons we need for the fight.
MEMBER: They’re beautiful. Machine guns, assault weapons and all the iron oxide, aluminum powder and thermite you would need.
CHAIRMAN: Perfect, laddy boy. What’s our target?
MEMBER: Well, we wanted to bomb the Senate Judiciary committee when they passed the gun control bill but it turns out there’s no Britishers in Congress, then we wanted to bomb CPAC but it turns out there’s no damn British men there either, plus we felt bad for Mitt Romney.
CHAIRMAN: Then what did you decide on?
MEMBER: We’re going to bomb 92.1 WRUV for CONSTANTLY playing “Zombie” by the Cranberries.
CHAIRMAN: Ah yes, that song protesting the IRA.
CHAIRMAN: That is a great way to make a statement, where is this WRUV 92.1?
MEMBER: It broadcasts from the University of Vermont.
ETHAN: (Nervously) Um, is there a bathroom in this weapons arsenal?
CHAIRMAN: Yeah, it’s the last door on your right.
KIMBERLY: I think I’ll go too.
CHAIRMAN: Ooh, girl talk!
(They all laugh as Ethan and Kimberly hurriedly head to the bathroom together. Cut to the two of them in the bathroom)
KIMBERLY: HOLY SHIT!
ETHAN: OH MY GOD! These guys are legit terrorists! WHAT THE FUCK?
KIMBERLY: Just calm down, just calm down, HOW THE FUCK CAN I CALM DOWN?!
KIMBERLY: How did I not notice this?!
ETHAN: I don’t know, it’s called the Irish Repletion Association or-
KIMBERLY: They were doing arts and crafts!
ETHAN: Terrorists can’t do arts and crafts?! What do you think Bin Laden did in a compound for nine and a half years?!
KIMBERLY: I don’t know, smoked pot and masturbated, not fucking arts and crafts!
ETHAN: Well, what do we do?
KIMBERLY: We have to leave!
ETHAN: No, they might kill us, thinking that we’re going to tell somebody!
KIMBERLY: Ethan, they invited the Mayor to join in a terrorist organization, they’re probably not the smartest cookies.
ETHAN: We still can’t risk it.
KIMBERLY: Let’s call the University of Vermont and warn them.
ETHAN: Good idea!
(The Chairman opens the door to the bathroom and has his members behind him, causing them to scream and face towards them)
CHAIRMAN: That’s weird, this isn’t a co-ed bathroom.
MEMBER: It’s kind of gay that you guys are in here.
ETHAN: Do you know what gay means?
KIMBERLY: Also, isn’t it a little gay that you all came in here together?
CHAIRMAN: Yeah, it is actually. Haggis, boys, we’ve been caught in a bind. We’ll let you guys shit.
(They back out of the room by river dancing, leaving Ethan and Kimberly stunned)
ETHAN: Call the University.
KIMBERLY: Yes. (Kimberly takes out her phone) What’s their number?
ETHAN: I don’t know! How would I know that! Oh, wait.
(Cut to some vandalism on a bathroom stall reading “Call 802-656-3131 (The University of Vermont) for a good time, then cut back)
KIMBERLY: Strange graffiti, but convenient. (She dials the number. Cut to the President of the University of Vermont E. Thomas Sullivan at his desk. His phone rings and he answers it)
E. THOMAS SULLIVAN: Hello?
KIMBERLY: (On the phone) Sir, I bring you good tidings.
ETHAN: (On the phone) Not really, someone’s going to bomb your school!
(Sullivan stands up)
THOMAS SULLIVAN: WHAT?
ETHAN: We have received reliable intelligence that the IRA is going to bomb your prestigious university!
THOMAS: Why would the IRA bomb us, or rather, any place in the United States? Where British people don’t generally have any power?
KIMBERLY: They hate you because your radio station 92.1 WRUV plays the IRA protest song “Zombie” too much.
THOMAS: Well, that is a great song. (Singing) Another head hangs lowly, child is slowly taken…
ETHAN: Right and-
THOMAS: And the violence causes silence, who are we mistaken?
ETHAN: Sir, I think you’re-
THOMAS: But you see! It’ not me! It’s not MY family! In your head, in your head-
ETHAN: SIR! Your school is in imminent danger.
THOMAS: Are you suggesting we go on lockdown?
THOMAS: ‘Cause it ain’t happenin’.
ETHAN: WHAT? Why not?!
THOMAS: I don’t appease terrorists! Shit, I’ll instruct WRUV to play the song non-stop. How do I know you guys are telling the truth?
KIMBERLY: We stumbled upon an IRA meeting where they did arts and crafts.
ETHAN: Why would you pick the most uncharacteristic thing they did to mention?
THOMAS: I’m calling the cops, this doesn’t seem legit.
(Thomas hangs up)
ETHAN: God damnit!
(Ethan takes the cell phone and bangs it repeatedly against the bathroom wall, breaking it)
KIMBERLY: WHAT THE FUCK, ETHAN?!
ETHAN: Sorry, I wanted to bang the phone repeatedly in anger like it was a pay phone.
KIMBERLY: You can bang me repeatedly in anger when we get home, but we have to find out how to get out of here and turn in the IRA!
(The Chairman comes in again)
CHAIRMAN: WHAT WAS THAT?
ETHAN: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-
(Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Michael, Scott and Cooper sitting around the living room, drunk)
MICHAEL: Goddamnit, it’s been hours and Michelle still hasn’t told me she can come over!
RYAN: Fuck her dude, let’s-let’s-you know what we should do?
RYAN: We should go to the park!
COOPER: Holy shit, we totally should!
SCOTT: I could totally go for that!
BRENNAN: Les’ go!
(They get up and stumble across the floor to the door, laughing)
RYAN: We’re so drunk! (Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Michael, Scott and Cooper stumbling across a sidewalk next to a mostly empty road in the middle of the night) Why would anyone ever not want to feel like this?!
BRENNAN: That’s-that’s not a healthy attitude to have about it.
RYAN: Whatever, dude, I always want to feel great.
(Ryan almost stumbles into the road, but Brennan pulls him back)
BRENNAN: (Laughing) Ryan, be careful!
RYAN: My fear is that I’m gonna stumble into traffic and get hit.
BRENNAN: Then-then don’t.
RYAN: I have no control of my extremities; it feels like I’m stepping on lily pads.
SCOTT: What does that even mean?!
RYAN: I don’t know! I’m not lucid right now, shut up.
MICHAEL: Shit, I just realized something guys, they tore down the park.
COOPER: Shit, you’re right, let’s go back.
(Ryan keeps walking as the rest of them start to walk back. Brennan grabs his arm)
BRENNAN: Ryan, the park was torn down, it’s not there anymore.
RYAN: Fuck you, I want the park!
(Ryan keeps walking as Brennan cracks up laughing)
BRENNAN: Ryan, there’s no park anymore!
RYAN: Fuck you! I want the park!
SCOTT: Guys, the cops are gonna be called on us if we don’t start going back.
RYAN: Fine! (Ryan runs into the road to everyone’s shock and goes into the middle turn lane that allows one to turn into the neighborhood. He starts doing a humping motion in it while cracking up, making Brennan, Michael and Cooper crack up)
SCOTT: RYAN, GET OUT OF THE ROAD!
RYAN: I PAY FOR THIS ROAD WITH MY TAX MONEY; I HAVE THE RIGHT TO HUMP IN IT!
(Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Scott, Cooper and Michael sitting in the sun room, all with vodka orange juice)
MICHAEL: This has been so fun.
RYAN: We should do this more often. But guys, when you’re sleeping tonight, sleep on your side, not on your back.
RYAN: Because you could throw up from the alcohol in your sleep and if you’re sleeping on your back, you could choke to death on it, it’s happened!
MICHAEL: Fuck dude, I don’t want to choke to death!
BRENNAN: It’s highly unlikely it’ll happen, don’t scare him, Ryan.
RYAN: It happened to Jimi Hendrix!
MICHAEL: Fuck, I’m gonna choke on my own vomit!
RYAN: No Michael, I’ll make sure you stay on your side; I’ll be there for you, buddy.
MICHAEL: I love you, man.
RYAN: I fuckin’ cherish you, Michael; you know I won’t let you die. I’ll make you sleep standing up if I have to.
BRENNAN: I have to take a piss.
(Brennan gets up and stumbles into another room)
SCOTT: Did Michelle ever text you back, Michael?
MICHAEL: No, she didn’t. Say Ryan, why were you so against having Michelle come over?
RYAN: ‘Cause I love her.
RYAN: They say drunk words are sober thoughts.
SCOTT: Shit, I don’t think Brennan would be thrilled to hear that. Why didn’t you get back together with her when she gave you the chance a month ago?
RYAN: I didn’t want to hurt her again, but…I don’t know, I just can’t seem to get my mind off her, I hate to see other guys with her. I feel like, she could fuck Calvin Lamiter or Delaware Payne in front of me and I’d still love that bitch.
(Brennan comes back in the room and sits down next to Ryan. They start making out. Cut to Brennan and Michael waiting outside the bathroom while Ryan pukes in the background)
RYAN: Brennan, (Puke) this has nothing to do with-(Puke) us making out, I swuh-uh-(puke) I swear, OH JESUS, (Puke) goddamn.
(Cut to Ryan and Brennan lying on their backs right next to each other in the game room upstairs. Scott, Cooper and Michael are also lying on their backs in various parts of the game room. Ryan’s phone alarm goes off, waking everybody up)
MICHAEL: …You bastard!
RYAN: I’M SORRY!
BRENNAN: YOU PROMISED!
(Cut to Jacob, Amy and Irville at the water table, now filled with bottles of “The Contents of Irville’s Satch”)
JACOB: Thanks so much, Irville.
AMY: I like a man who’s industrious.
IRVILLE: Oh shucks, babe. I built the well in my backyard with my own skin and bones. This water has the rich taste of what happens when you fill a cup that was recently filled with milk full of water and the little milk specklings rise to the top.
AMY: I like that!
JACOB: That’s disgusting, and you know I just realized, that this is the only water checkpoint, so all the people who have already left haven’t gotten water and therefore, there might be some unfair advantage-
(Brian and Chris Hayes walk over)
BRIAN: Water (Breath) please!
CHRIS HAYES: Same (breath) here!
(Irville and Jacob hands them waters, they take big sips)
BRIAN: Hmm, milky.
CHRIS HAYES: I don’t hate it. Anyway, thanks!
AMY: You’re welcome!
(They run away)
JACOB: You didn’t do anything!
IRVILLE: Besides compose that butt opera of a butt she has!
JACOB: Was that supposed to be flirtatious?
AMY: Because it worked!
IRVILLE: Ooh, yeah.
JACOB: Jesus Christ.
(Irville and Amy start making out, causing Jacob to walk away in disgust. Cut to Brian and Chris Hayes running by Kirsten, Michelle, Ms. Pinicetti and Jamie sitting on the ground with florid complexions)
BRIAN: HA HA, FOR THE WIN!
KIRSTEN: WHERE DID HE GET WATER?!
JAMIE: This is so rigged in favor of the penis-polistic complex.
MICHELLE: This is bullshit, I’m gonna text Michael.
(She takes out her phone. Cut to Brian and Chris Hayes running the path)
BRIAN: Chris Hayes, I see so many chicks and guys just sitting this out, we could really win this!
CHRIS HAYES: I know!
(Brian stops for a second, causing Chris Hayes to stop)
CHRIS HAYES: What?
BRIAN: Did you hear that?
(Pan to reveal that in the forest, there appears to be a shady brown building)
ETHAN: (Faint yell) Help! Help! They’re going to kill me!
BRIAN: Someone’s in trouble in that shack, I can hear it!
CHRIS HAYES: C’mon, Mr. Mayor, we’re almost to the rainbow!
MAYOR CORY BOOKER’S VOICE: (Echoey) Well Brian, I try to be as virtuous as I can and helping people is a value of mine.
BRIAN: Of course! Chris Hayes, finish the race without me, I have people to save.
CHRIS HAYES: Okay.
(Chris Hayes runs away. Brian takes a gun out of his waistband and dashes into the woods. He sneaks up by the side of the building and hears the cries more clearly)
ETHAN: (Muffled) PLEASE DON’T KILL ME! I WON’T TELL ANYBODY! I HATE PIERS MORGAN! I HATE DANIEL CRAIG! I HAVE KIDS!
CHAIRMAN: SHUT UP!
(Pistol whip sound)
BRIAN: Oh my God, Ethan?
KIMBERLY: (Muffled) NOOOO! I LOVE BRAVEHEART, BY THE WAY!
CHAIRMAN: THAT’S SCOTTISH!
(Brian busts into the back door of the arsenal and points his gun. He then walks into the bathroom to see what’s going on and he sees the Chairman, the members and Ethan and Kimberly on their knees. The chairman has a shotgun)
CHAIRMAN: FUCK ARE YOU DOIN’ HERE, LAD? GOYS LIKE YOU AIN’T WELCOME HERE!
ETHAN: GOY IS NOT A GAELIC TERM!
BRIAN: LET THEM GO OR I’LL SHOOT!
CHAIRMAN: Please, I have a shotgun and there’s an arsenal full of weapons here, you ain’t got the balls.
BRIAN: That’s right. I have the hully-wiggins! (Brian shoots the Chairman, the Chairman, in pain, shoots his shotgun at Brian before keeling over, Brian dodges the bullet and closes the door, so no member can get a weapon. As the Chairman keels down, he points the shotgun again and Brian shoots the Chairman right in the face, killing him and shocking everyone. He takes the shotgun, puts the handgun in his pocket and points the shotgun at all the members, who get down on their knees as Ethan and Kimberly stand up and back off) So, is this like, an IRA operation?
BRIAN: …I see. You realize Britain is in Europe right?
MEMBER 2: You know what’s embarrassing?
MEMBER 2: I’m a Benny Hill fan.
(Cut to Chris Hayes crossing the rainbow finish line. A pot of gold is there for him)
CHRIS HAYES: I WON! I WON THE RACE!
(Jacob walks over)
JACOB: You won!
CHRIS HAYES: I WON!
JACOB: Enjoy the pot of gold, kid.
CHRIS HAYES: Is it real gold?
JACOB: No, it’s that chocolate-filled bullshit.
(Cut to Mayor Donahue standing on a stage the next day with an audience in the middle of the park, presenting a key to the city to Brian, who is suited)
ETHAN: I hereby present this key to the city to former Mayor Brian Sarandon for his bravery in rescuing my wife and I and vanquishing the IRA from our town. Congratulations! (Everybody applauds as cameras flash and Ethan gives the giant key to Brian. As they shake hands, they talk)Thanks so much for saving my wife and I sir, I can’t thank you enough.
BRIAN: You are very welcome.
ETHAN: Are you still gonna run against me in the special election?
(Cut to black)
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