“The empty tomb of Jesus Christ is proof: the tomb-stone rolled aside, away from roof;
Yes, Jesus resurrected as forecast; the sting of death is now a thing of past”
(We start with Ethan and Kimberly painting eggs very early in the morning with three baskets on the table. There are bags of candy behind them)
ETHAN: I’m glad we’re doing this.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, I am too. I honestly don’t even think we celebrated Easter last year.
ETHAN: I think Ryan was in Iraq last Easter.
KIMBERLY: Oh yeah.
ETHAN: You don’t want to know what they put in Easter eggs over there.
KIMBERLY: Is it yellow cake?
ETHAN: The last place we would’ve looked. (Kimberly chuckles) Of course, this might be the last Easter ever if we become a secular-gay dystopia in three months.
KIMBERLY: Seriously? You think that’s going to happen if they overturn DOMA and Prop eight?
ETHAN: Did you listen to those oral arguments? Roberts was like “Obama’s a total puss factory for enforcing an law which he believes is unconstitutional” and then Ginsburg was all like “gay marriage is like skim milk while real marriage is like two percent”, which is ridiculous, because real marriage is like milk which you promise to drink for the rest of your life even if it’s chunky and impalpable.
KIMBERLY: But you don’t believe gay people have the right to imbibe spoiled milk?
ETHAN: Marriage is a sacred institution that has been around since the first caveman married a dinosaur. And I believe marriage is between a man and a woman, or man and dinosaur, permitting the existence of the latter.
KIMBERLY: So you believe in dinosaur rights more than gay rights?
ETHAN: Well, most gay rights opponents are dinosaurs anyway.
KIMBERLY: Touché. Although, that kind of injured your point.
ETHAN: Did the dinosaurs not come back?
KIMBERLY: No, they didn’t!
ETHAN: The dinosaurs will rise again.
KIMBERLY: I loved when Justice Kagan asked the Prop eight defender if a law forbidding two people above the age of 55 getting married would be constitutional, and of course he said no, even they would be just as unable to make babies as a gay couple! I mean, that was basically his argument!
ETHAN: Yes, but two people above the age of 55 getting married probably met on “OurTime.com” instead of through the hole in a LaGuardia bathroom stall.
ETHAN: Look, the Defense of Marriage Act was just bringing uniformity to a nation that was intent on experimenting with gay stuff, you know, like we were in college or at summer camp. Imagine, DOMA is our camp counselor inspecting tents for vibrators, anal beads and wedding rings.
KIMBERLY: Right, I know they say they didn’t want people going to Hawaii to get gay married and then just coming back to the states to get their marriage recognized federally, but there are plenty of differences in state laws regarding marriage, they just arbitrarily chose to federalize this issue and exclude a class of married couples, not for the sake “uniformity” or “cleanliness”, for the sake of “gay people are gross. Ew.” That’s like George Wallace saying he wanted to keep blacks and whites separate because the whites might get blue stains on them if they were together.
ETHAN: Jesus Christ, why do we even try anymore? You seem to have the five justices you need and whether they make a narrow ruling or a broad ruling, you guys already win, America’s fucked.
(Ryan walks in with pajamas on and disheveled hair and stops in his tracks)
RYAN: Wha-what are you guys doing up?
ETHAN: Ryan, we’re painting eggs for Easter, go back upstairs.
RYAN: Fuck, Easter’s happening again this year?
KIMBERLY: Yes, it happens every year.
RYAN: God, I always completely forget about Easter. I haven’t actually gone to bed yet, so…I’ll see you at 2pm.
(Ryan walks away)
(Cut to Sarah eating skittles while doing homework in her game room and also watching TV. She takes a skittle out of the bag and examines it)
SARAH: The centrifugal force of this skittle could easily catapult into my orifice if I flung it into the air. However, would three skittles stacked on top of each other remain intact and fall neatly into my mouth? (She takes three and stacks them on top of each other, throws them into the air and they all go every which way) Prognosis, fuck the world. Hold on a second. I need a pencil.
(Sarah walks over to her desk and there are a bunch of skittles all over it and she brushes them off and grabs a pencil. Then, suddenly, without warning, Amy comes in with Sarah’s 13-year old brother and eleven-year old sister, who both look mortified)
AMY: Hey Sarah. I got news for you, sweetheart, something I already told Jackie and Jerry. You’re going to have a new papa!
SARAH: Please tell me he’s made of candy.
AMY: Oh dear, do I need to take money out of your candy allowance?
SARAH: Whoa, let’s not get crazy, two-hundred a week is reasonable. Anyway, who is this man? Man, right?
AMY: Oh, yes. He’s a bear of a man. Rawr! He popped the question at lunch time and he gave me a huge rock!
SARAH: It’s not who I’m thinking of right?
JERRY: Unfortunately, it is.
AMY: Oh yes, it was my Irville. And when I say huge rock, I mean huge rock. He got out what must’ve been a ten-pound rock and hoisted it right onto the table. Almost broke the darn thing. Oh, what a mess! What a mess!
SARAH: (As Amy continually says “what a mess”) This isn’t happening.
JACKIE: Unfortunately, it is.
AMY: That’s right, we’re gettin’ hitched. And I don’t mean that Will Smith movie.
JERRY: Can she like, not hear us?
SARAH: When? Why? Well?
AMY: Well what, honey?
SARAH: You’re joking! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
AMY: Irville tells great jokes. You’re gonna love him. He can do a cartwheel over a spider and then kill it with his mind.
AMY: Oh, we don’t have to worry about spiders any longer.
SARAH: I wasn’t worried about spiders, you know, I’ve met him! He’s not that great!
AMY: You’re right, he’s great!
SARAH: Do you think I said he wasn’t that good?
AMY: Irville, get your fanny out here!
(Irville struts in and tries to give Sarah a hug and she tenses up and he backs away)
IRVILLE: In due time.
AMY: When we’re kickin’ it in Vegas.
SARAH: You guys are marrying in Vegas?
AMY: Vegas is a place?
SARAH: So I guess not.
IRVILLE: I can’t wait to be your new step-dad.
SARAH: (No-heartedly) I’m so happy for you…
IRVILLE: (Disproportionately flattered) Ah, thank you Sarah!
AMY: That was really nice, honey.
SARAH: …You’re welcome.
AMY: Let’s celebrate!
(Irville takes out a chainsaw and starts revving it)
(Cut to Sarah, Jackie, Jerry, Amy and Irville in the living room. Sarah is sitting on the couch, looking pissed. Amy is sitting down sipping on a McCafe’ and smiling. Irville is juggling tissues for them)
AMY: How are you so good at this?
IRVILLE: First grade PE, my dear.
SARAH: So…I think I also want a McCafe’, so I will be right back.
AMY: Don’t worry Sarah, I already got you a McCafe’, it’s in the kitchen.
(She sits down)
IRVILLE: Are you gonna go get it?
SARAH: Not now.
AMY: Did you know I was in a McDonald’s commercial once?
JERRY: Yes, mom, we all know.
AMY: They wanted to appeal to Minnesotan fast-food consumers, and although I don’t know much about Minnesota or that general area of the country even, they chose me!
SARAH: Where did you get the accent then?
SARAH: Never mind, what happened with the ad again?
AMY: They only aired it once at 3pm on some forgotten Saturday. Then they called me an hour later, said “no” and hung up. It was the proudest moment of my life.
JACKIE: Why didn’t they like it?
(Irville puts down his tissues)
IRVILLE: I have no idea, but we should watch it, she’s so talented.
(Irville takes out his laptop and puts it on the coffee table. He brings up the video and plays it. It starts with Amy at a McDonald’s counter holding a McCafe’. She turns to the camera)
AMY: McCafe’! I like that.
(The screen cuts to the red background with the golden arches and the jingle plays and the slogan “I’m Lovin’ It”appears, then the commercial ends)
SARAH: Maybe it’s because you got their slogan wrong.
AMY: Oh, I don’t like that.
(Cut to General DePinto in an AA meeting with Mr. Proskovec and the other patients)
MR. PROSKOVEC: Listen, Easter is today, and I know that’s a painful reminder of how you’re all alone. However-
PATIENT: I have a family.
MR. PROSKOVEC: A family that likes you?
PATIENT: Got me beat there.
MR. PROSKOVEC: Right. So, no matter how sad it gets, don’t drink. And especially don’t drink and drive. Getting caught drinking and driving is like getting stuck with a bar tab of seven-hundred and fifty dollars.
NOAH: Do you think that makes us alcoholics understand it better?
MR. PROSKOVEC: It’s like sleeping with a broad and finding out the next morning she was a maximum two year jail sentence. The point is, don’t do it! Jesus rose from the dead and met a bunny on this day 1,983 years ago. Jesus would not want you to drink and drive. Although to be fair, the three wise men were probably fuckin’ hammered. Stumbling through the desert following a star, give me a break. Anyway, class dismissed.
NOAH: This isn’t a class-
MR. PROSKOVEC: CLASS DISMISSED!
(Cut to Noah walking out of AA with a bunch of other people. Jacob is waiting for him at the end of the hallway. Noah walks over to Jacob)
NOAH: Hey, the cob.
JACOB: Don’t, call me that, man.
NOAH: What? Noah called his animals whatever he wanted.
JACOB: Eh. Anyway, how was AA?
NOAH: It was terrible, what do you think?
JACOB: It was terrible because your attitude about it is terrible.
NOAH: I was forced into it.
JACOB: You weren’t forced into anything! We had an agreement!
NOAH: I know, I know! But you’re not going into the army for a couple of years, meanwhile I’m in AA like a chump! Can’t I wait a couple of years as well?
JACOB: I have a reason to wait a couple years and honestly the agreement was kind of unfair anyway, because I have to dodge bullets and trek across a sandy hellscape for a couple of tours while you have to open up about your “feelings”!
NOAH: In that respect, I suppose I’m not holding up my end.
NOAH: ‘Kay. Well, where are we going?
JACOB: Easter mass.
JACOB: Yeah, I decided it would be beneficial to go to Easter mass, isn’t AA about finding Jesus and all that shit?
NOAH: If Jesus is on a little sail boat on the backwash seas of a Miller light.
JACOB: That’s actually kind of adorable sounding. Little Jesus.
NOAH: Anyway, I wouldn’t feel comfortable at Easter Mass. I don’t like people washing my feet.
JACOB: I don’t think that’s going to happen unless you’re an Italian prisoner.
NOAH: Can’t we just go to Tits on Tap?
JACOB: You mean the titty bar?
NOAH: I don’t have to drink, I can just…tap.
JACOB: Gross. Listen, I couldn’t get in there anyway, I’m eighteen! Now let’s go drink the blood of Christ.
(Cut to Jacob and General DePinto walking into Jacob’s house. Ethan, Kimberly and Madeline walk over)
ETHAN: Jacob? Noah?
NOAH: I’m Noah DePinto, we met about three months ago.
ETHAN: Yeah, I remember you. What are you guys doing here?
JACOB: I’m here to change, we’re going to Easter mass.
KIMBERLY: Easter mass? Ooh, that’s a good idea!
MADELINE: Ugh, do I have to go? I hate religious stuff.
ETHAN: Madeline, didn’t you have that Passover seder with Kyle?
MADELINE: Yeah, but they mostly just ate gafilta fish and matzo while bitching about Obama and Netanyahu and anybody else they could get their bitch hands on.
ETHAN: Well, I wouldn’t be against it. But my Easter pants are way too small.
KIMBERLY: Wait, you really still have your Easter pants from childhood?
NOAH: Easter pants?
ETHAN: Yeah, Christian families would buy dress clothes for their kids for Easter, and they would have to wear them again the next year, and by that time they would notice that they’ve grown considerably. So, they would buy them new ones the year after that. However, my parents NEVER bought me new Easter clothes. I still wore my suit from age six up until I was eighteen years old.
JACOB: Jesus, why did they do that to you?
ETHAN: They thought it taught me frugality. I keep (He takes out a vaguely pants-resembling piece of gray garment from his pocket) this as a reminder of my trauma. (He puts the pants up to his nose and inhales its scents) Still smells like the eggs of ’71.
(Cut to a priest speaking to the flock at church)
FATHER SCHRADER: Congregation, let me tell you, His Holiness Pope Francis the first is infallible. People forget that. Yes, he lived his entire life as a fallible human being named Jorge Mario Bergoglio, but the moment he put on that hat he became a man devoid of err. To err is human, but to be the Vicar of Christ on Earth is SUPER human! They say Pope Francis is ten feet tall, rides a blue ox. He can spin straw into gold and his house is made of candy. (Ethan, Evan, Kimberly, Madeline, Jacob and Noah walk in) My Lord, ladies and gentleman, the Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont, his beautiful family and some old guy!
(The congregation turns around, stands up and applauds)
ETHAN: Thank you. Thank you! Thank YOU! Thank you so much. (He makes his way down the aisle and starts shaking hands) Thanks. Thanks so much you guys!
WOMAN: Mr. Mayor, can you pardon my drunk, high and texting while driving offense?!
ETHAN: I don’t have the power to pardon, but I wouldn’t pardon you even if I did, THANKS SO MUCH YOU GUYS! (He makes his way to the stage and walks up to Father Schrader and shakes his hand as the applause dies down and everyone, including Jacob, Noah, Madeline, Kimberly and Evan in the back, take their seats) Thank you guys so much. Listen, I don’t want to take away too much time from Father Schrader, but, here we go. (He walks behind the podium as Father Schrader moves to the side) Ladies and gentleman, it is extremely important to vote for Mayor on the special election on April 9th. The future of our great city depends on it. Do we want three and a half years of Brian Sarandon again? (The crowd screams “no”) Do we want three and a half years of Irville Satch? (People mumble about, many of them confusedly saying “who?”) Exactly. Now-
(A guy who looks exactly and is dressed exactly like the guy standing up in Norman Rockwell’s famous Freedom of Speech painting stands up in the pews)
FREEDOM OF SPEECH GUY: Hey, what’s wrong with this Irville guy? I’d love to have a fresh face!
ETHAN: Sorry, did I mention Irville Satch is a member of the AFL-CIO?
FREEDOM OF SPEECH GUY: I’m a member of the AFL-CIO, is there something wrong with that?
(Other people start standing up around him and verbally expressing agreement and outrage)
ETHAN: Please, folks, Jesus would not want us to get rowdy, now!
FREEDOM OF SPEECH GUY: Would Jesus have wanted us to raise TAXES like you did a week and a half ago?!
(The congregation yells in agreement)
ETHAN: Oh dear.
FATHER SCHRADER: Mayor Ethan Donahue, everybody!
(Ethan shakes Father Schrader’s hand and quickly rushes off the stage. Cut to him sitting with his family at the back of the pews. His hair is wet and he has a blanket over him)
ETHAN: That was the worst thing ever…
JACOB: Why do you look like you were just pulled from an ice cold lake? You just had some bad PR.
ETHAN: Bad PR?! I was embarrassed up there. I raised taxes to help the AFL-CIO, those fucking morons.
KIMBERLY: The American voter is a rabble of ignoramuses and bloodthirsty jackals.
ETHAN: And I so desperately want their vote.
(Cut to Ryan, Scott and Oleander in Scott’s garage. Ryan is holding some papers)
RYAN: So I wrote the PERFECT song for Easter.
SCOTT: What is it about?
RYAN: It’s about how Easter has been ridiculously over-commercialized with some stupid bunny, like honestly, how did they get from the resurrection of Christ to a bunny that brings eggs?
SCOTT: Well, the Hare was a popular motif in ancient Church art and many believed the hare was a hermaphrodite and the idea that the rabbit could spawn young without losing their virginity led to it being conflated with the Virgin Mary, and it even appeared with Mary and the Christ Child in North European religious art. It could have also been associated with the Holy Trinity, as per the three hares motif. Rabbits are also widely seen as fertility symbols representing the widespread birth of birds and rabbits during the Early Spring, and-
RYAN: Shut up, it was invented by Madison Avenue during Season zero of MAD MEN, the point is, my song also addresses how Jesus is a false God and how Christianity is all bullshit.
OLEANDER: Ouch. Are we sure everybody at Seani’s is going to be alright with that?
RYAN: Sure, I checked with Chuck. He was half-asleep and neither of his hands were on the phone, but he said “uhh”.
SCOTT: Sounds like enough confirmation for me!
OLEANDER: But there might be some Christians there!
SCOTT: But, there’ll probably be enough non-Christian people there that their voices will be drowned out.
RYAN: BUT if the Supreme Court rules all sexually confused teens must be deported, then we’re fucked.
SCOTT: I don’t think that’s part of what they’re considering.
(Cut to Chuck on stage at Seani’s)
CHUCK: Hey I’m Chuck. I vetted this next band while putting on my socks. Please welcome Depraved Hail Storm Ferngully!
(Chuck moves out of the way and DHF makes their way onto the stage with all their instruments to mild applause. Ryan takes the mic)
RYAN: WHO’S HAVING A GOOD EASTER? (The crowd cheers and applauds) Well, prepare for it to be ruined. HIT IT! (The band starts playing music. THE SECOND SUNDAY OF EVERY MONDAY, THE THIRD TUESDAY OF EVERY WEDNESDAY, THE EIGHTH FRIDAY OF EVERY APRIL, THE TENTH DECEMBER OF EVERY MILLENIAAAAAAAA! Easter celebrates Jesus coming back from the deeadd…today’s youth would have called him a zombie and shot him in the heaaddd…they would’ve gone back to their check point to reload and think about shooting up all the gays…religion leaves our minds in a hateful haaazzeee…IT’S EASTER! IT’S EASTER! Why is that, you say? IT’S EASTER! IT’S EASTER! It’s because you pay! IT’S EASTER! IT’S EASTER! Buy ALL that fucking candy! IT’S EASTER! IT’S EASTER! It makes the companies feel dandy! THE EASTER BUNNY CRUCIFIED JESUS SO HE COULD TAKE HIS JOB AND ARTIFICIALLY PLEASE US, SO HE COULD ROB, US OF OUR REASON AND GIVE US COMFORT, HE’S NO MORE A SON OF GOD THAN IS MUMFORD!
(Free speech guy stands up in the back)
FREEDOM OF SPEECH GUY: HEY!
(The band stops)
RYAN: What? Do I go to the place where you work and knock the free speech out of your mouth?!
FREEDOM OF SPEECH GUY: I FIND THIS OFFENSIVE! I just got back from listening to your tax-happy union-busting father at CHURCH and now I’m being forced to listen to this, this, this, this-
RYAN: This what?!
FREEDOM OF SPEECH GUY: This blasphemous GARBAGE during my after-church dinner?!
RYAN: Listen, YOU don’t have to be here! You don’t have to listen to any of this!
FREEDOM OF SPEECH GUY: As sure as my name is Ian Speak Freely, I will NOT let you blaspheme Jesus on his resurrection day! You know how important the 1,983rd resurrection day is?! He doesn’t need a fake ID to buy infinity proof liquor anymore!
RYAN: What are you going to do? Beatalify me?
IAN: Yes sir! BOYCOTT!
(Ian runs wackily out of the restaurant, flailing his arms and legs all about)
RYAN: Holy shit, I’m the Beatles!
(Cut to Sarah, Jerry, Jackie, Amy and Irville sitting down for dinner)
IRVILLE: Get happily used to this, kiddo. We’re going to be a happy family for all time.
SARAH: I’m sorry, how did you guys even fall in love?
AMY: Well, I met him at the Saint Patrick’s Day race to the rainbow, of course, and he invited me to a showing of the Irville Satch Experience.
(Flashback to March 18, 2013. Amy is sitting alone in dimly lit room with a stage. Irville is sitting on a tree stump on said stage with a spotlight on him)
IRVILLE: Thanks everyone for coming to the Irville Satch Experience. I’m Irville Satch. For the next eight hours I am going to discuss my forty plus years on God’s green earth just, just, just! JUST! TRYING to get by on a tug boat operator’s salary. I would like to dedicate this show to my kids, because they’re paying for it on the condition that I no longer speak to them. Also, remember there will be no questions. I was born in March 1970 in Flensburg, Minnesota. My father was a mad hatter and my mother was a ruler measurer. She measured rulers for, academic institutions. I was born to talk. Literally, I was born talking, it amazed the doctors. I was saying a lot of the words that I had heard from my mom and dad in the womb, such as, “Why did you do this to me?” and “Are you sure you trust Uncle Phil”? We couldn’t trust Uncle Phil, but I’ll get to that later. In the Spring of 1986 I milked my first bull-
(Amy’s voiceover comes in, silencing Irville although he continues to talk)
AMY: (Voiceover) It was so marvelously interesting to watch Irville speak. (The camera shows Amy completely infatuated with what Irville is saying) It’s like he was talking directly to me, like no one else was in the room.
JERRY: (VO) Was anyone else in the room?
IRVILLE: (VO) No, but that wasn’t important.
(Cut back to them at the table. Amy and Irville are holding hands)
AMY: Love at first talk.
(Cut to Sarah on her bed on the phone with Ryan)
SARAH: Ryan, can you believe that my MOM is marrying Irville Satch?!
RYAN: (On the phone) That makes sense.
SARAH: It makes SENSE?!
RYAN: No offense, but they’re kind of perfect for each other. They’re both kind of, vacuous.
SARAH: Yeah, but I have to have IRVILLE SATCH as my stepdad! He’s so self-obsessed and long-winded he has an eight hour one-man show all about himself and he doesn’t even allow people to ask QUESTIONS! Plus, they have known each other for TWO WEEKS. Best case scenario, the discordant nature of their future marriage ends up with only ONE of them dead, if TruTv has taught me anything.
RYAN: Sarah, don’t you want the best for them?
SARAH: Ugh…I guess. But I still have an urge to act pettily aggrieved and passive aggressively hostile towards him just to get back at my mom for accepting his hand in marriage.
RYAN: I can’t say I blame you. But anyway, I have to go, there are protestors outside my house.
RYAN: Bye, Sar-bear.
(Ryan hangs up and Sarah looks disappointed. Cut to mass at that church)
FATHER SCHRADER: The word of the Lord says homosexuals cannot marry, adopt, visit each other in hospitals or dance on television, but now all of that is under an ASSAULT by the secularists of this country. “If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.” Leviticus 20:13. Of course, I don’t condone murdering gays, but…maybe we could just pour blood on their heads and teach ‘em a lesson. The word of the lord.
THE FLOCK: (In unison, except for Jacob, Noah and Madeline) Thanks be to God.
JACOB: Thanks be to God!
FATHER SCHRADER: We bless ourselves for prayer in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
THE FLOCK: Amen.
FATHER SCHRADER: Let’s keep our fighting men and women in our thoughts and prayers.
CONGREGANT: LORD HAVE MERCY!
FATHER SCHRADER: Let’s hope those who have died under the flag of war for our country will go to Heaven and fight the perpetual war on Hell.
CONGREGANT 2: CHRIST HAVE MERCY!
FATHER SCHRADER: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him; and without him was not anything made that hath been made. In him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in the darkness; and the darkness apprehended it not. There came a man, sent from God, whose name was John. The same came for witness, that he might bear witness of the light, that all might believe through him.”
(Cut to Kimberly and Ethan cross themselves on the forehead, the lips and the chest with their thumbs and Jacob, Noah and Madeline quickly follow suit)
JACOB: Hey Maddie, (Does the “Father, Son, Hol Spirit” thing with his thumb) Spesticles, testicles, wallet and watch.
MADELINE: You don’t have spesticles or a watch.
JACOB: I don’t have a wallet either, but nobody’s obsessing about that!
MADELINE: Do you have testicles?
JACOB: Shut up.
NOAH: Why are we doing this? This seems useless.
FLOCK: Glory to you, Lord.
NOAH: I mean, God must be egotistical as all hell if he needs this much reassurance of his awesomeness.
FLOCK: Praise to you, Lord, Jesus Christ.
NOAH: How is this supposed to help me?
JACOB: Maybe I can get him to perform a miracle on you before the homily. (Jacob stands up) SIR! I MUST TESTIFY THAT THIS H’UCH MAN IS SICK AS CAN BE!
NOAH: Jacob, sit down!
FATHER SCHRADER: How is he sick, my son?
JACOB: HE HAS TURNED AWAY FROM THE LO’D AND HAS SIPPED THE DRINK OF SIN!
FATHER SCHRADER: So…butt sex?
JACOB: What? No, no, alcohol, he’s an alcoholic.
FATHER SCHRADER: Bring him forth to the stage, my son.
NOAH: Jacob, I don’t know if this is a good idea.
JACOB: C’mon, this’ll work.
NOAH: Are you sure?
JACOB: I’m like, forty-eight percent sure.
N0AH: That’s dismal.
JACOB: Hey, it’s easier than AA, right?
NOAH: I suppose.
(Noah stands up and walks down the aisle to thunderous applause)
ETHAN: Thank God, I was not looking forward to reciting the Nicene Creed.
(Noah gets on stage and the Priest puts his hands on Noah’s shoulders)
FATHER SCHRADER: What’s your name, brother?
NOAH: Noah DePinto. But I’d like for this to be anonymous.
FATHER SCHRADER: Yes, everyone close your eyes. (Cut to the congregation. Nobody closes their eyes. Cut back) Brother, I sense there is a SICKNESS in you, coursing through your veins.
FATHER SCHRADER: It’s called ALCOHOLISM! And as the bible says “Nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”, Corinthians 6:10. But even if you do inherit it, the Democrats will slam an estate tax on you.
NOAH: Am I supposed to start speaking in tongues?
FATHER SCHRADER: YOU HAVE BEEN LEAD ASTRAY BY ALCOHOL, MY BROTHER! I AM HERE TO SET YOU FREE TODAY-UH!
(Cut to an overweight black woman in a Sunday dress wearing a floppy hat and waving a fan in her face in the pews. She is surrounded by white people)
BLACK WOMAN: TESTIFY!
WHITE CONGREGANT: Who are you with?
BLACK WOMAN: I can’t come here alone?
WHITE CONGREGANT: You can’t use a fan when it’s twenty-eight degrees and raining outside.
FATHER SCHRADER: YOU WILL NOT BE FEARING ANY MAN! YOUR EYES WILL SEE THE GLORY OF THE COVENANT OF THE LORD!
NOAH: Not seein’ much right now.
FATHER SCHRADER: Just, give me a second. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF DRINK REPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! C’MON, MAN!
NOAH: WHAT?! Nothing seems to be happening!
FATHER SCHRADER: It’s because you aren’t playing along-I mean, he’s a demon! THROW HOLY WATER ON HIM!
NOAH: HOLY WATER!
(Angry people start splashing holy water on Noah. Cut to Ethan and Noah being walked out of the church by Jacob, Kimberly, Evan and Madeline. Ethan and Noah have blankets draped on their bad selves)
KIMBERLY: It’s okay Ethan, I’m sure nobody caught it on tape.
ETHAN: Shit, I didn’t even think about that.
JACOB: I saw a lot of iPhones in the crowd, Ethan-
KIMBERLY: Shhh! Nobody filmed anything!
NOAH: There’s no such thing as privacy anymore.
(They all get in the car and drive off. Cut to Ryan, Scott and Oleander at Ryan’s house. Ryan is looking out the window to see people protesting outside, carrying signs like “ON JESUS’ BIRTH DAY, HOW COULD YOU?!” and “JESUS IS THE SON OF GOD, YOU’RE THE SON OF AN ASSHOLE!” and “NICE MUMFORD RHYME, BUT STILL, YOU SUCK!” and “WATCHES, FIVE DOLLARS”)
RYAN: Oh my God, they better not camp out.
OLEANDER: You know, I have tear gas in my car.
OLEANDER: I’m part Greek.
SCOTT: Listen, can’t we call the police?
OLEANDER: They are protesting near the Mayor’s property, but then freedom of speech shit has to come in to play.
RYAN: How about freedom FROM speech? Isn’t it my first amendment right to speak my mind and not be criticized for it?
SCOTT: I don’t think that’s how the first amendment works.
RYAN: You know what, screw this, I’m going out there to make a statement. (Ryan opens the door and steps onto the front stoop and a bunch of protestors run over to listen to him) PROTESTING PEOPLE! Hi there, I am Ryan. I’m going to make a prepared statement. (He takes out a piece of paper that’s been unfolded numerous times, unfolds it meticulously and looks at it. The piece of paper is blank) You know what? (He balls up the piece of paper and throws it in the bushes) Screw the script! I’m going to speak right from the heart! I believe that Jesus was a man, with a plan, a canal, Panama.
PROTESTOR: YOU’RE NOT SAYING ANYTHING! JUST APOLOGIZE!
RYAN: Sir, I am not going to apologize for stating my beliefs. As John Lennon once said, “I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing”. Although, I supposed in this instance that’s exactly what I meant it to be, so…
(Everybody boos and hisses)
FREEDOM OF SPEECH GUY: Jesus will have his say with you, young man!
RYAN: You look so familiar.
(Suddenly, a bunch of water begins to be sprayed on the protestors. Ryan is unsure of where it is coming from until the camera pans to Evan with a hose)
EVAN: GET OFF THE MAYOR’S PROPERTY, YOU RABBLE!
(As the protestors scream and get wet, they all run off and Evan turns off the hose as Ethan, Kimberly, Jacob, Madeline and Noah walk over)
ETHAN: WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!
(Scott and Oleander come out of the house)
SCOTT: THAT WAS AWESOME!
ETHAN: NO, IT WASN’T! He just sprayed my constituents!
EVAN: They were on your property!
ETHAN: I HAVE AN ELECTION IN A WEEK! Oh, this is AWESOME!
SCOTT: Yeah, that’s what I said!
ETHAN: No, I mean, this is terrible! We have to try much harder than this, people!
(Ethan goes inside in a huff)
RYAN: Well, that was interesting.
SCOTT: As in AWESOME!
RYAN: How is it awesome? Now they’re going to be even more pissed at me.
OLEANDER: No, they’re going to be wonder pissed that Evan sprayed them! They’re vacuous rabble, they get distracted easily!
RYAN: That’s true. A larger controversy drowned out the smaller controversy. (He makes bubble noises as if something is drowning. The then clears his throat) Anyway, as long as I avoid saying Hitler did nothing wrong, I can put this all behind me.
NOAH: Meanwhile, what am I going to do?
JACOB: Yeah, we’ve tried everything.
NOAH: We tried one thing!
JACOB: God is the one and ONLY thing. We have nowhere to go but down.
JACOB: …Unless what?
NOAH: I don’t know, I just kind of expected something to come to me. WAIT A MENTO! I’ve got it!
(Cut to Jacob and Noah in Noah’s garage. Noah is making a table top)
JACOB: So this is what this garage is for?
NOAH: Yeah, what did you think it was for?
JACOB: I thought it was just another arsenal or…you were enriching uranium in here.
NOAH: Nope, I make things in here.
JACOB: Well, how’d you get started?
NOAH: Well, it all started when I was part of the 245,000 veterans waiting over a year for their disability claims to be processed and I needed something to do.
JACOB: Wow. When did you get your disability?
NOAH: Oh, I’m still waiting.
JACOB: How?! You’ve been out of active duty for twenty-two years!
NOAH: So has the government.
JACOB: How do you make money?
NOAH: Selling this shit, military pensions.
JACOB: Well, that’s not bad I suppose. What’s your disability though?
NOAH: I have a bad leg. I’ve only been seeking 127 dollars or a little bit more, but between Ed Derwinski, Jesse Brown, Togo West, Anthony Principi, Jim Nicholson, James Peake and Eric Shinseki, none of those assholes have had time to review my application. But I don’t care, because I have (Noah takes out two clamps) my clamps! (He puts a clamp on the table top and he starts gluing) Trusty old clamps.
JACOB: What’s so great about the clamps?
NOAH: Ask any maker of things, they will tell you can never have enough clamps! They hold things in place like nothing else. You know what? Easter gift, have a clamp!
(Noah throws a clamp to Jacob, which he barely catches)
(Noah puts four or five clamps on the table top)
NOAH: As Jesus said, “let there be clamps!”
(A bald neighbor comes in)
BALD NEIGHBOR: Hey Noah.
(Noah turns around)
NOAH: Oh, Rudolph “Bald Neighbor” Flake, how are ya?
BALD NEIGHBOR: Yeah, I was wondering if I could buy a chair.
NOAH: You got it, buddy. Jacob, grab a chair for baldy here.
(Jacob walks over and grabs a fold-out chair and brings it over)
BALD NEIGHBOR: Fuck are you trying to pull, DePinto?!
NOAH: DAMNIT! This is a fold-out chair, get my pure Amish woodworking MASTERPIECE over here!
JACOB: God, sorry!
(Jacob walks over and grabs a wooden chair and hands it to the Bald Neighbor)
BALD NEIGHBOR: That’s more like it, I’ll give you a hundred for it.
NOAH: Because I like you, a hundred fifty.
BALD NEIGHBOR: Deal.
(They shake hands for quite a while)
(Cut to Sarah, Jackie, Jerry, Amy and Irville in the living room)
AMY: When I did that ad for McDonald’s, I swear Ronald McDonald asked me out on a date.
AMY: Although it may have just been James Holmes in a dream.
(Sarah gets up and walks out the door)
IRVILLE: Where are ya goin’ deary hon?
(Cut to Ryan laying on the couch. He rubs his temples. Then, the doorbell rings. He sighs deeply. He gets up begrudgingly and meanders his way to the front door. He opens it to see Sarah. She immediately hugs him, a hug he graciously accepts)
SARAH: There’s nothing I can do to stop it.
RYAN: I know. Perhaps you shouldn’t try.
(Sarah lets go of Ryan)
SARAH: But I DID try!
RYAN: What’d you do?
SARAH: I tried to act bratty and aggrieved by giving him the stink eye, addressing him as “Irville”, giving one-word answers to his increasingly invasive questions and pretending not to notice when he was juggling tissues or doing the Macarena with my mom. But after that fractious fifteen minutes, I realized that I wasn’t as upset as I was fifteen minutes earlier, so I just kind of…dealt with it.
RYAN: I suppose that’s what you have to do when you have a step dad that you absolutely detest. You have to say “hey” when you came in the door and have no other extended conversation.
SARAH: I guess, but it’s just going to take some excruciating getting used to. Anyway, I miss you. We should do something.
RYAN: Like what? It’s Easter Sunday.
SARAH: I don’t care, I just want to go somewhere.
RYAN: Well, I have to get groceries for my family, do you want to come along?
SARAH: Yes! That’s perfect, let’s go.
RYAN: Okay, just don’t critique my selections, please.
SARAH: (Laughs) Why would I do that? I’m a vegetarian who doesn’t eat vegetables, how do I have room to judge?
RYAN: (Laughs) I know, just, refrain.
(Sarah and Ryan walk out the door. Cut to them walking through the aisles. Ryan’s cart has two packs of Monsters, along with other normal foodstuffs)
SARAH: A lot of Monster.
RYAN: What did I say?!
SARAH: I’m sorry!
RYAN: (Laughs) It’s fine. So, are you going to object at the wedding or something?
SARAH: No, but I’m not going to wear a fucking dress.
RYAN: Sarah, I’ve never worn a suit in my entire life, it is the ultimate revenge against the establishment.
SARAH: Exactly! Ugh, we got along well, what happened?
RYAN: I happened. To cry into Michelle’s tits.
SARAH: Oh yeah.
RYAN: You know, I met Michelle over a year ago at this point, and our relationship is very bizarre. I don’t understand why we can’t be friends since we’re not dating.
SARAH: Exactly! I mean, we should be friends even.
RYAN: Yeah, meanwhile I just get shit on for talking shit about Jesus in one of my songs.
SARAH: Yeah, I heard about that.
RYAN: It’s like these days, you can’t call Mexicans wetbacks and you can’t call Jesus a false prophet without people getting all offended!
SARAH: Well, that kind of goes along with the industry.
RYAN: But Sarah, I can’t handle that kind of attention. That’s what killed Kurt Cobain, right? The fame? The fandom?
SARAH: Courtney Love killed Kurt Cobain first of all, secondly, it doesn’t sound like fame and fandom is what you’re dealing with here.
RYAN: Yeah, but it’s all attention! Remember “all publicity is good publicity”, except that’s a goddamn lie.
SARAH: Ryan, you’re looking at the glass half empty, you need to look at the glass as half…overflowing.
RYAN: Like the water’s floating in the middle?
RYAN: I guess. Honestly, my comments should not be that big of a deal in the year 2013.
(They arrive at the self-check-out and they start scanning items and putting them in bags)
RYAN: Here, (Ryan hands Sarah his credit card) pay for this, I want to sit down.
SARAH: …Okay? (Ryan sits down on the scale where the groceries are. This causes the self-check out to go bizzurk and a window pops up reading “THE HELL ARE YOU BUYING?!”) Ryan, get off the scale, it has to-
(Bennie Lofgren walks over in a Tom Thumb uniform)
BENNIE LOFGREN: (Squeaky voice) What are you doing?! That’s- (Ryan gets off the scale) thank you! Sorry about that, you see, the way this works is that you put groceries on this scale and it weighs it,
(Sarah nervously giggles, slightly)
BENNIE: To make sure everything is there and if you- (Sarah nervously giggles again) don’t do that, it’s-do you understand?
(Cut to Ryan driving Sarah back)
RYAN: Why were you nervously giggling at Bennie when he was describing the weight system?
SARAH: Well, I already knew all that stuff, it was just nervous laughter.
RYAN: But now you’re like, leading him on, what if he thinks he said something really funny and tries it on other people?
SARAH: (Laughs) That’s ridiculous!
(Cut to Bennie talking to some female co-workers)
BENNIE: You put your groceries on the scale and it weighs them to make sure they’re all there and you haven’t stolen any!
FEMALE EMPLOYEE: …What?
BENNIE: Ooh, tough crowd. (Cut to Bennie talking to a female shopper) The scale is there to make sure all of the groceries you paid for are there, do you understand sweetheart?
FEMALE EMPLOYEE: Are you okay?
BENNIE: I’m (voice quivering) fine- (He starts coughing profusely. Cut to Bennie talking to some female employees of the pharmacy section) The scale weighs your groceries! C’mon, this killed earlier! You know what, whatever maan! I’m outta here! (Bennie throws down his badge and storms out of the store. Moments later he comes back) Hey does anybody know where a burger joint is around here? I’m hungraay.
(Cut to Ryan pulling up to his house with Sarah in the car, both laughing. They get out to see Brennan standing outside)
RYAN: Oh, hey Brennan.
BRENNAN: I was looking for you.
(Ryan and Sarah walk up to Brennan)
RYAN: Yeah, I was at the grocery store. What’s up?
BRENNAN: Just wanted to hang out.
RYAN: Cool. Totally. So Sarah, I guess I’ll see you later?
SARAH: Uh, don’t you need to get your groceries inside?
RYAN: I’ll do it later.
SARAH: There’s milk in there.
RYAN: See ya, Sarah.
(Ryan waves to Sarah, kisses Brennan on the lips and then goes inside with him as Sarah eventually walks to her car. Cut to Mayor Sarandon in a dark room meeting with the freedom of speech guy Ian Speak Freely and Father Schrader)
MAYOR SARANDON: So Father Schrader, you’re saying Mayor Donahue insulted the AFL-CIO and embarrassed himself at a church and you, Mr. Freely are saying he sprayed protestors with water to protect his Satanist son?
IAN: That’s what we’re saying, sir.
FATHER SCHRADER: As God as my witness.
MAYOR SARANDON: Do you have to incorporate God into every sentence you say?
FATHER SCHRADER: Of course I Deuteronomy- not, of course I do NOT.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well…this information could be very useful.
(Cut to Noah wearing a boater in front of his garage while Jacob stands next to him while fawning customers surround)
NOAH: Who wants this (Jacob brings out a wooden window frame) wooden window frame, great for putting on your wall so you can stare at rolling hills of tan paint, can I get fifty? Fifty?
NOAH: WE HAVE FIFTY! Can I get eighty?
CUSTOMER: 190 QUARTERS!
NOAH: Eh-(He thinks about that for a second) SOLD TO THE GENTLEMAN IN RED! T
(The man goes and hands Noah the bag of quarters and takes the window frame)
NOAH: Alright ladies and gents, we are officially out of inventory, thank you so much for attending and tell your friends! Unless they hate wooden things in which case…they gay! Bye!
(The people disperse)
JACOB: Actually, I think 190 quarters is less than fifty dollars.
NOAH: Shit, really? Goddamnit. But we managed to sell my whole inventory to some bald guys and even haired-Americans.
JACOB: I’m surprised Jack bought that wooden weave.
NOAH: That rube will buy anything. Wow, that felt good.
JACOB: I know, this whole time we were looking for fulfillment from Jesus, but we forgot the fulfilling occupation Jesus chose to do, carpentry.
NOAH: Well, I’m not doing carpentry technically-
JACOB: JUST SHUT UP!
(Cut to black)
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Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
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