“What necessitates an urgent and immediate response...with a preventing of decay, has joined the marketing of peace. As something declared as a priority. Like education and jobs! And the outsourcing done of both...to feed those teased by greed”
(We start with Ethan in his Mayoral Office. His sleeves are rolled up and he is lighting a pipe full of weed and inhaling its contents. Evan walks in)
EVAN: Mr. Mayor, what the hell? You can’t smoke weed in here! Actually, you can’t smoke it anywhere!
ETHAN: Fuck off, I get migraines, this is medical.
EVAN: Medically DANK!
ETHAN: So now you’re pro-weed?
EVAN: No, it’s just, you don’t want to do anything that the Sarandon or Satch campaign could use against you. And “the Mayor’s office smells like my cousin’s basement” is premium fodder which he would use to discredit you.
ETHAN: Maybe we can say that all the pharaonic missteps we’ve made in the last few days was a convoluted April Fool’s day joke.
EVAN: Including me spraying the protestors? I don’t know if they’ll go for that palter.
(Ethan takes another hit)
ETHAN: Maybe we should convince the voters that Brian and Irville don’t exist…
EVAN: Okay, I’m going to leave before you start telling me how much you want cookie cake.
ETHAN: …Shit, I want cookie cake.
(Cut to former Mayor Sarandon in a boardroom with numerous advisors)
BRIAN: Okay, we have got to string together a plan of attack that is both scathing and perspicuous of the people’s wariness for such base political attacks. We need something positive but not unrealistic and we need something daring, but not audacious. Do you guys understand?
ADVISOR: Uh…yeah. Wow, that was actually a very sober way of looking at things, Brian.
BRIAN: Thank you. How are we going to rip Ethan Donahue a new asshole so he can have his other one cleaned in preparation for the enormous shit he’s going to take when I beat him in a landslide?
ADVISOR: Wow, um, we have some key gaffes and missteps with which we can pillory him. Obviously, number one is the spraying of the protestors off his lawn.
BRIAN: Oh yes, that one was made to order. Speaking of which, do you guys want to break for lunch?
ADVISOR: We just got started.
ADVISOR: Anyway, we can also use his embarrassing speech at Saint Jerry’s Catholic Church against him. He was ripped apart by the flock. It was like watching a man get drawn and quartered by sheep.
BRIAN: That’s terrific! We have a campaign!
ADVISOR 2: Well, there is one or two issues.
ADVISOR: First of all, we don’t have the guarantee of Vermont Attorney General William Sorrell that he will not try to prosecute you for perjury if you become Mayor again.
BRIAN: Okay, but do we have like, a tacit understanding? Maybe a coy wink?
ADVISOR: We don’t have any indication whatsoever.
ADVISOR 2: We need to do everything short of giving him a handjob and beyond!
BRIAN: What are his likes? What are his dislikes? What does his wife look like-
(Cut to the advisor holding an iPad)
ADVISOR: I already found out all of that.
BRIAN: AH-URRGHH…sorry, I kind of wanted you guys to stake him out. But I guess Facebook did all the work! Give me the skinny, Darryl.
DARRYL: Well, he likes Daniel Tosh, he dislikes drama, he loves those York peppermint patties and his wife looks like a baked potato with cheese.
BRIAN: How is this helpful?
DARRYL: I think there might be butter as well.
BRIAN: We need fo’ real, real-time stake-out shiatsu. And that’s a campaign promise!
ADVISOR 2: Alright, Darryl and I will stake out Attorney General Sorrell later. For now however, we need to make certain there are no gaffes that impinge our chances at victory. So, if someone asks you a question and you have a story to relate about something involving Mexicans, what do you say?
BRIAN: Well, I grew up in Montpelier and we employed maids and one of them was a Gordita from down south.
DARRYL: STOP. Gordita? The Mexican food item?
BRIAN: What of it?
ADVISOR 2: Don’t say Gordita! Say “Mexican-American” and maybe even add in “uber-jobs synergy bootstraps” just to fill in your buzz word quota. Also, say the word “buzz word” a lot, because it in itself is a buzz word.
BRIAN: Got it.
DARRYL: We’ll need the support of minorities, so be sure not to defend slave-owners like that guy at the GOP minority outreach conference.
BRIAN: Wow, I’m not sure if I can do it.
ADVISOR 2: The good news is you don’t have to renounce slave-owners either.
BRIAN: Okay, I think I can handle it.
ADVISOR 2: Don’t mention affairs, think before you speak, think before you don’t speak, honestly, think before you breathe, think before you think!
BRIAN: I get it, Glenn!
GLENN: Sorry, you’re just extremely gaffe-prone.
BRIAN: I only gaffe when people don’t expect it, so when you expect me to gaffe I won’t gaffe.
DARRYL: But now I won’t expect you to gaffe when I’m expecting you to gaffe, so by your own logic, you’ll gaffe.
DARRYL: Never mind, the good news is we have one indispensable tool at our disposal.
BRIAN: And what’s that?
DARRYL: Irville Satch can split the vote.
BRIAN: OH SHIT!
(Cut to Irville Satch campaigning with Amy and an embarrassed Sarah on a stage with an audience watching in some auditorium. Posters reading “SATCH 2013: I LIKE THAT!” drape the auditorium. Irville is holding a microphone)
IRVILLE: I will dedicate my sweat to working for the people of Hansbay! All my life I have been sweating like crazy for the people of Hansbay, and sweat and sweat and sweat, I will sweat for them! I guarantee you something and mind you, I’m guaranteeing you something that is physically impossible. My blood was at one point 0.8% sweat. Now, you may ask, “if you’re using hyperbole why would you pick such a low number?” I’ll tell you, because 5% sweat would just be stupid!
IRVILLE: Thank you, my beautiful fiancée Amy, everybody…okay, anyway, I will support the cause of the AFL-CIO tug boat operators! (Huge applause) Thank you. We will get rid of the establishment that has ruled Hansbay politics for too long! We need to stop kids from snorting wood chips to get high, we need to make more coins with weird little stuff on ‘em and most of all, we need to bring back walkmen! Also, Watchmen, that was a good comic.
SARAH: Oh my God…
(Cut to Ethan, Tatum, Conan, Evan and Maria in a boardroom meeting)
TATUM: If you want to beat Sarandon, you have to go straight for the nut sack.
ETHAN: He’s a corrupt, incompetent, philandering alcoholic who might become an indicted perjurer if elected, how the hell will this be hard?
EVAN: Ethan, you’ve alienated the labor vote, they could go for either Satch or Sarandon.
CONAN: Plus, you’ve alienated the religious vote.
ETHAN: Just give them thirty pieces of silver and they’ll come crawling back.
EVAN: I’m not so sure.
ETHAN: Let’s get something straight, I’m the Republican, Irville Satch is the Democrat, so what the hell is Sarandon?
TATUM: He’s running as an Independent.
ETHAN: Ah yes, an independent. Otherwise known as a pussy who can’t pick sides.
EVAN: It’s a necessity for him.
ETHAN: We’re Republicans, were we going to get the labor vote anyway?
CONAN: We might’ve! Believe it or not, Irville Satch is not the most popular union member since sliced bread.
ETHAN: Oh yeah, I remember Sliced Bread. Where did he end up?
CONAN: He’s wherever Jimmy Hoffa’s buried.
ETHAN: So, should we discredit Satch or Sarandon?
EVAN: Satch couldn’t win on his own, but he could help Sarandon win by siphoning votes from you. Brian could be a minority Mayor.
ETHAN: You think they could turn Brian Sarandon black?
EVAN: No, as in, he could get higher number of votes, but the combined total of the other two candidate’s votes was more than what he got.
ETHAN: So, is it then our job to go after Satch more than Sarandon?
TATUM: That seems to be our best bet. Sarandon discredits himself, we just have to hang Satch in a cage and let the public throw rotten food and toenails at him.
ETHAN: And what about appealing to the minority vote?
EVAN: About that, could we bring in the minority vote?
(Cut to Roger, Ross, Preston and their respective parents sitting at the table with Ethan, Tatum, Evan, Maria and Conan)
EVAN: This is the minority vote.
JOSHUA HIGGINS: Hi.
ETHAN: So, I get the feeling that the minority vote isn’t that important in a mid-sized town in Vermont.
CONAN: Yeah, not really.
ETHAN: What up, chicas?
ROSS: Did you just call us girls?
ETHAN: Yeah, I’m not doing this. You guys can leave.
(Cut to Ryan, Alan, Kirsten, Luther, Faith, Cooper, Natasha and the two other girls in the KDGM main room sitting at tables)
NATASHA: I feel great today.
LUTHER: You look disgusting today.
NATASHA: And there it goes.
RYAN: Wow, asshole.
LUTHER: I’m sorry, did I say something?
RYAN: Yeah, you said she looked disgusting!
LUTHER: I’m not the one who is wearing white pants in the winter time.
RYAN: it’s spring.
ALAN: What idea do you have for Mrs. Stem anyway?
LUTHER: As in, what kind of announcements do you have planned?
(Alan and Luther laugh)
ALAN: Maybe we should all do announcements at…Sonic. Like, all nine of us do one word at a time.
(They all laugh as Mrs. Stem comes in and sits down)
MRS. STEM: Good morning everybody, let’s go ahead and get started. I know we had a bad weather day next week, but it is time to get back in the flow of things. Speaking of which, you’re all fired.
MRS. STEM: By “all”, I meant Natasha and Faith. Your announcements on Thursday were completely red! For the first fifteen seconds we saw you two, but then for the rest we saw a red screen.
RYAN: Oh yeah, I remember that.
FAITH: Yeah, I don’t know how that happened. I’m sorry.
MRS. STEM: YOU’RE sorry? The Assistant Principal SPIT on me for trying to “indoctrinate the student body into communism using subliminal brainwashing techniques”.
RYAN: Well, THAT’S ridiculous-(Ryan holds up his hand to reveal he’s holding a sickle) AHHHH!
MRS. STEM: GREAT! Anyway, you didn’t even get a grade for those announcements, you got a barbecue sauce stain in the grade book. The rest of the skits were fine. Now, hand in your ideas. (They all hand in their ideas on paper and she looks at the first one) Senioritis? C’mon, that’s so unbelievably trite, it’s meaningless at this point.
KIRSTEN: Well, I was thinking we could make it out to be like where seniors are too tired to do assignments.
MRS. STEM: What a refreshing way to look at it. Moving on, (she moves to the next paper) what’s this noise, Cooper?
COOPER: Okay, I always get the feeling that whenever you’re called down to the office, you always feel really anxious about what it might be, even if it turns out to be nothing. I was thinking, the Grim Reaper could bring the office note to somebody and they could be really scared.
MRS. STEM: That’s a great idea, Cooper. I love it. I’ll have Ryan work with you on it because (She looks at Ryan’s paper) his “idea” for today appears to be a desperate call for help and I’ll have to turn it in to the school counselor.
(Mrs. Stem gets up and places the paper in a file labeled “Ryan’s Pleas for Help”)
COOPER: Can we go?
MRS. STEM: Yep.
(Ryan and Cooper get up and get their back packs, Ryan grabs a camera and they walk out of the room. Cut to Ryan and Cooper walking the hallway)
RYAN: So what do you think we’ll need for this?
COOPER: Well, we’ll need a scythe.
(He holds up the sickle)
RYAN: I have a sickle.
COOPER: That works. But more importantly, we need-
RYAN: Adventure. Compassion. Love. Friendship.
COOPER: A cloak.
RYAN: Sorry, I’ve been watching too much anime.
COOPER: Yeah. Anyway, we should get an office note before we do anything.
RYAN: Oh yeah, I guess we do need that.
(They walk over to the office and enter it to see Morgan, the somewhat overweight front desk lady)
COOPER: Yo, miss. We're bustin’ a skit fo' KDGM involvin’ tha bust of a crib note n' we was wonderin’ if you could lend our asses one so as ta recreate dat sort of situation.
RYAN: What are you doing?!
COOPER: I’m beginning to translate everything I’m about to say on Gizoogle, that website the translates everything you say into gangster language. I mean, I’m beginnin’ ta translate every last muthafuckin’ thang I’m bout ta say on Gizoogle, dat joint that translates every last muthafuckin’ thang you say tha fuck into thug language.
RYAN: I should check that site out.
MORGAN: Listen, I don’t have the office notes, you need to talk to Principal Maxell and Assistant Principal Duron.
RYAN: You mean the assistant principal that looks like a televangelist?
MORGAN: Yes, tha assistant Principal dat straight-up looks like a televangelist. This is fun!
COOPER: Alright, let’s go back there.
(Ryan and Cooper walk back to see Principal Maxell and Assistant Principal Duron, a slender, tan, spikey-short haired man with a light brown suit and golden tie, talking)
PRINCIPAL DURON: I’ve found that hiding in a Knight costume doesn’t work as well as it does on TV.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Really?
RYAN: Hello Sirs, we-
PRINCIPAL DURON: No, we don’t have widespread cheating like the Atlanta School system.
PRINCIPAL DURON: Sorry, go ahead.
(A teacher walks out of a nearby bathroom with an empty, translucent box labeled “failed NECAP Tests” as a toilet flush is heard behind her)
TEACHER: Excuse me.
(She walks by)
RYAN: …Ignoring that, we were wondering if we could borrow an office note for a skit for KDGM.
COOPER: See, the skit is-
RYAN: You don’t have to explain the skit-
COOPER: THE SKIT IS, a guy is handed an office note by the Grim Reaper, because people always feel anxious about getting called down to the office, you see?
PRINCIPAL DURON: Wait, are we going to interrupt any classes?
RYAN: No, we’re going to use an empty classroom.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Well Ryan, maybe the classroom you should be focusing on is Mrs. Tucker’s chemistry class.
PRINCIPAL DURON: What is he doing in there?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Nothing.
COOPER: Ooh, gotcha!
RYAN: I, uh…
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I’d say that’s pretty GRIM.
(Ryan looks nervous and sort of caught off guard by what’s happening)
PRINCIPAL DURON: You’d think he’d REAP the benefits of a good education, huh?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I think he lacks the foreSCYTHE to succeed in that class.
RYAN: I feel kind of-
PRINCIPAL DURON: What do we do to people that lack foreSCYTHE, Mr. Maxell?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I think we get them allocution lessons so they can pronounce “foresight” correctly.
COOPER: Makes sense.
PRINCIPAL DURON: But that’s of course after we kill them.
(Ryan is sweating)
COOPER: How would they benefit from allocution lessons if they’re dead?
RYAN: I feel kind of…bombarded right now.
PRINCIPAL DURON: Are you okay?
RYAN: I just said-
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I’ll get you that note, gentlemen. Pretty GRIM, wouldn’t you say?
COOPER: Not really.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Forescythe.
(Maxell and Duron walk into an office and Ryan begins breathing heavily)
RYAN: What the fuck?
COOPER: That was rude.
RYAN: (On the verge of tears) You can do the fucking skit yourself!
(Ryan forcefully hands Cooper the camera and Ryan trundles away. Cooper breathes a sigh of agitation. Cut to Madeline entering the Stara institute in Providence, Rhode Island. She is wearing jeans, a white dress shirt and a red tie. The receptionist looks up to see her)
MADELINE: Hi! I’m new here, this is my first day.
(Melody and Kelsey come out of their offices, also in white dress shirts with red ties)
MADELINE: Hey you guys!
(They hug and then un-hug)
KELSEY: How do you feel?
MELODY: Well, let me bring you to the boss man.
KELSEY: He’s really nice, don’t worry.
MADELINE: I can’t wait.
(Madeline, Kelsey and Melody walk over to an office where a man with a white pallor and curly blonde hair is sitting in a collared shirt and dress pants. They come in)
MELODY: We have arrived with your new employee! At nineteen years and eight months, she is the Stara institute’s oldest female employee!
MADELINE: Wait, really?
KELSEY: Yep! I’m nineteen and eight months tomorrow.
MELODY: And I’m a high school drop-out who hasn’t reached the age of consent.
(The man gets up and walks over to Madeline)
MAN: Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Donahue.
(The man shakes Madeline’s hand)
MADELINE: It’s nice to meet you, mister…?
MAN: Sandlin. My name is Stan Sandlin.
MADELINE: Nice to meet you, Mr. Sandlin.
STAN: Please...(Ten second pause) call me Stan.
MADELINE: Okay, Stan.
STAN: Have a seat. (Stan goes and sits behind his desk and Madeline sits down in front of him) So, are you familiar with hypnosis and different modalities?
MADELINE: Yes, I have spent the last almost three months studying hypnosis closely, I find it very interesting when it comes to finding the mind-body connection.
STAN: You see, this is how I see the mind-body connection, because a lot of people are talking about the mind-body connection these days and how it actually works.
MADELINE: When were they not talking about the mind-body connection?
STAN: Some people use scientific terms and really nail it down. Some people use kind of loose, pseudoscience and sort of, airy-fairy metaphysical things and that’s fine too.
MADELINE: You just said it was loose and pseudoscientific, how does that make it fine?
STAN: They can have their vague style of pseudoscientific bullshit and I can have my strictly scientific field, hypnotherapy.
STAN: Anyway, here’s how I see hypnotherapy. I’m going to use a metaphor here, think about your brain, like a crowded bar or night club. A popular place where people get together to mingle, dance and engage in compotation. I want you to imagine that every single person inside that bar represents a thought or a belief, or an experience or an understanding within your mind. And they’re getting along…pretty much. You know, without any incident. Maybe the malicious part of you spikes the good part of you’s drink and has a good time in the broom closet, but besides that there’s nothing to worry about. I guess in this case the broom closet represents…hope? I don’t know, anyway, like a bar or night club, there’s a line outside. There are thoughts, beliefs and experiences waiting outside to potentially get in. And I say potentially because just like a bar or night club, uh, your brain has a bouncer. He wears a tight black t-shirt and is named Brett. So, the person walks up and says he’d like to get in. The first thing he does is check the ID and make sure the person is of legal drinking age.
MADELINE: My thoughts, beliefs and experiences drink?
STAN: You are what you drink. And since you’re a college girl I guess you’re a JELL-O shot.
MADELINE: Those are good. It tastes like being in an alcoholic nursing home.
STAN: Anyway, the bouncer takes a good look at the person and sizes them up. They decide whether or not they’ll be a good fit with the crowd in this night club. They don’t decide whether he’s a good person or a bad person, although it is a night club so it’s mostly bad people, but it’s not a value statement, it’s not about saying one is better than the other, it’s just about saying what matches. He wants to decide whether this person is like the other people in this place. For example, a classy, well-dressed businessman could walk up to a biker bar. And the bouncer will say “Look, you don’t want to go in there. This is not a place where you’re welcome.” Or a flamboyantly masochistic homosexual wearing leather and chains could walk up to a Republican caucus meeting. And of course he’d be let in forthrightly. And so on and so forth with all those different examples. So, if I were to say something that’s totally abstract and untrue, like, “your best friend is really an evil spy who’s plotting against you.”
MADELINE: Actually, I did have a friend who was an evil spy plotting against me and my boyfriend.
STAN: Fine, um, “your brother cuts.”
MADELINE: My brother does cut.
STAN: Jesus, okay, the point is, you don’t believe things that are foreign to you. If your entire life you’ve been told, and I’m not talking about you specifically, but if your entire life you’ve been told “you’re a dumb bitch, you’re a dumb bitch, you’re a dumb bitch”, well you have a lot of people in your bar that say you’re a dumb bitch, so if someone comes up and says “you’re a dumb bitch”, then that belief is accepted immediately.
MADELINE: I really thought there was going to be an alteration somewhere in there.
STAN: If someone came up and said “you’re an intelligent and respectable woman”, then that’s rejected, the bouncer looks inside and says “eh, it’s not true.” And sends him on his way.
MADELINE: I don’t think I like this bar.
STAN: Anyway in this bar, all these people are really similar, so they order the same types of drinks. And when I’m talking about drinks what I’m really talking about is the chemistry of your body. So a person walks up, or a thought or belief and says “I’d like some happiness, please”. The bartender mixes up a little dopamine, a little serotonin, maybe just a little bit of adrenaline.
MADELINE: That sounds like Blue Moon.
STAN: What hypnosis is designed to do is go into your bar and start ordering other drinks. The reason for that is because this bartender’s a very smart guy.
MADELINE: Are bartenders usually that smart?
STAN: This erudite bartender of mastery cleverly deduces the kind of people who come in here every day and he ascertains the kind of drinks that they like. So he keeps those ingredients right on hand. Right in the well. He might even have a whole batch of it pre-made, as sort of a house special. And even in the back, in the warehouse, in the storage, he might have on back order, on supply, a whole lot of those different ingredients. He might have barrels full of-
MADELINE: I get it.
STAN: Okay, so the point is, your body is designed to build more and more of what you’re used to building. So this bartender is able to make more and more of a certain drink because he does it all the time, it’s easy for him. So if you’re used to building lack of self-esteem, well, the bartender’s good at making lack of self-esteem, he makes lack of self-esteem over and over again every single day. Now, what hypnosis does is bangs those girls so they can have self-esteem again. Well, that’s not the best way to put it-
STAN: Hypnosis starts ordering self-esteem and happiness and relaxation for everybody. He starts making friends with everybody and they’re getting along well, because Stan-I mean, Hypnosis, is a fun guy with a huge schlong and a great personality and everybody likes him. The bartender says “wow, hypnosis is a big tipper. Hypnosis made me feel like a woman again.”
MADELINE: The bartender’s a woman?
STAN: Pretty soon, hypnosis becomes the popular guy at the bar and he starts throwing events. He creates a guest list, so new people start showing up that wouldn’t normally be there. So the bartender has to start ordering different ingredients. So that’s the way hypnosis works.
MADELINE: Wow, Stan, that’s quite a metaphor. Very impressive. Thank you.
STAN: You’re welcome. Would you like me to cite other places they could potentially keep the ingredients?
MADELINE: No, that’s okay.
(Cut to Darryl and Glenn in a parked car outside the Pavilion, a structure in Montpelier, Vermont that houses the working office of the Governor of Vermont, the Vermont Attorney General and the Vermont State treasurer)
GLENN: Alright, so this is where the Governor of Vermont and the Vermont Attorney General work, what do we know about this guy William Sorrell as of right now?
DARRYL: Well, William Sorrell was appointed Attorney General of Vermont in 1997 by then-Governor Howard Dean. He has been re-elected eight times since then, most recently in 2012. He is a sixty-six year old man who likes Daniel Tosh, dislikes drama-
GLENN: Just shut up about the little factoids for a second! We need hawd, hawvawd yawd facts.
DARRYL: Harvard was founded in 1636 by the Massachusetts legislature-
GLENN: Shut up, shut up, Sorrell is walking out of the Pavilion.
(Cut to Vermont Attorney General William Sorrell walking out of the pavilion with a suitcase in hand. He gets into a car and starts driving. In response, Glenn starts his car. They follow him on the road)
DARRYL: What do we expect to see him doing?
GLENN: He’ll probably do some hobby of his and Sarandon can break the ice like that.
DARRYL: Okay, but this comes dangerously close to stalking.
GLENN: This IS stalking.
DARRYL: I hate to say “I told you so”.
GLENN: You shouldn’t, because I also told me so.
(Cut to Darryl and Glenn waiting outside Sorrell’s house in their car on the other side of the street at night fall. They both look bored. Glenn is looking through binocular while Darryl is eating rice from a bowl)
DARRYL: …You look like Kim Jong Un when you do that.
(Glenn puts down the binoculars)
GLENN: The difference being I have a purpose for my binoculars and Kim Jong Un is looking at a Grey-Faced Buzzard.
DARRYL: How do you know Korean species of birds?
GLENN: Well they’re also found in East Russia, North China and-sorry, where did you get that rice?
DARRYL: I have a rice cooker, man. These things are amazing, every morning there’s fresh rice.
GLENN: That does sound nice. God, this guy is so boring! What the hell is he doing in there?!
DARRYL: We should investigate. Time to take this guerilla style.
GLENN: What do you mean?
DARRYL: We should peeping Tom it up!
GLENN: Ah, so peek through the windows to see what he’s up to-
GLENN: What?! No!
DARRYL: No, I mean we’d be naked.
GLENN: Why?! It’s thirty-one degrees outside!
DARRYL: We don’t want them to know we’re from Sarandon HQ! If they catch us, we’re both two crazy naked guys with no credentials!
GLENN: Or we could just throw our credentials in that storm drain!
DARRYL: That’s fair.
(They get out of the car, throw their credentials down the drain and run to the sides of the house)
GLENN: (Whispering) Okay remember, with recent events in Texas, people might be wary of two guys trying to go after a state law enforcement official, so be careful.
DARRYL: Wow, I wish you would’ve mentioned that before we ran dick-first into this situation.
(They open a fence and go into the backyard and cozy up next to a window. They both take furtive glances in to the living room of General Sorrell. He appears to be watching an episode Tosh.0)
DARRYL: (Whispering) God, this guy LOVES Tosh.0!
GLENN: (Whispering) This is a pretty funny web redemption.
DARRYL: (Whispering) God, I hope we don’t see his baked potato of a wife.
(Cut away from Sorrell to where the shot is only showing Darryl and Glenn’s faces)
VOICE OF WIFE: (Garbled, guttural voice) HEY HONEY!
(Darryl and Glenn’s faces contort in disgust)
DARRYL: (Whispering) Gross.
WILLIAM SORRELL: Hi, honey. Want to have sex?
GLENN: (Whispering) Oh Jesus no.
WIFE’S VOICE: WHY NOT RIGHT HERE?!
DARRYL: (Whispering) Please don’t. I’m not bare boned and crazy for this.
(Glenn and Darryl’s countenances become even grimmer as sex noises are heard)
GLENN: (Whispering) Oh my lord, how long has that been out of the microwave?!
(Cut to Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury at the news desk)
PATRICK WHITE: We begin tonight fourteen hundred miles away in Mayflower, Arkansas. A massive oil spill has occurred there when an Exxon Mobil pipeline ruptured in a Mayflower suburb, spilling thousands of barrels of oil. Exxon Mobil was surprised by the incident, saying they didn’t expect a pipeline that had only accrued sixty-five years of wear and tear to rupture in such a manner.
FIONA CADBURY: As per our duty as newscasters, here is some heartbreaking footage of oil slick covered birds.
(They show several pictures of oil-slick covered birds to the song “In the Arms of An Angel” by Sarah McLaughlin, then they show a steak covered in A-1 sauce and then an oil-covered bird on a beach. Then cut back to them)
PATRICK WHITE: We ran out of pictures of the oil-covered birds in Arkansas, so the last two were an Arkansas steak and an oil-covered bird picture recycled from the 1989 Exxon-Valdez disaster.
FIONA CADBURY: In other news, the special election between the philanderer and the respectable person is heating up, no I’m not talking about the special election between former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and Stephen Colbert’s sister Elizabeth Colbert Busch, I’m speaking of the special mayoral election between former Mayor Brian Sarandon, AFL-CIO Tug boat operator Irville Satch and acting Mayor Ethan Donahue. Things have heated up so much, here’s a recent ad from the Sarandon campaign.
(Cut to an ad by the Sarandon campaign. It starts off with an iPhone recording of Ethan at that church on Easter Sunday. He is speaking on stage)
ETHAN: Do we want three and a half years of Irville Satch? (People mumble about, many of them confusedly saying “who?”) Exactly. Now-
(A guy who looks exactly and is dressed exactly like the guy standing up in Norman Rockwell’s famous Freedom of Speech painting stands up in the pews)
FREEDOM OF SPEECH GUY: Hey, what’s wrong with this Irville guy? I’d love to have a fresh face!
ETHAN: Sorry, did I mention Irville Satch is a member of the AFL-CIO?
FREEDOM OF SPEECH GUY: I’m a member of the AFL-CIO, is there something wrong with that?
(The tape cuts and shows a screen reading “MAYOR DONAHUE IS ANTI-UNION”)
VOICEOVER: (Sinister voice) Where is Jimmy Hoffa buried? Mayor Donahue probably knows, he loves to KILL unions and he HATES them! Plus, there’s this.
(Cut to Ethan speaking at the church again. This tape is clearly edited as there are fast cuts in between words and phrases)
ETHAN: Jesus (cut) is (cut) special.
(The video pauses and becomes dark)
VOICEOVER: Did you hear that? He thinks Jesus was retarded. Is that a man you want to lead Hansbay? If that doesn’t convince you, what about this? (Cut to cell phone footage of Evan spraying the protestors with water. The video pauses) Oh s**t, did he just do that? I think he done did that. Reminds me of, you guessed it, THE OKLAHOMA CITY BOMBING!
(Cut to Ethan and Evan watching this on TV in Ethan’s office)
ETHAN: I really thought they were going to for the Selma, Alabama protests, but alright.
EVAN: This is ridiculous! Not content with taking your union comments out of context and showing that video of me spraying people, they went ahead and just made shit up!
ETHAN: We have to counter attack somehow. Maybe we should have a press conference going after the veracity of the ad.
EVAN: I think we should just release a statement challenging the veracity, I think we should try to stay above the fray and make Sarandon like petty. Meanwhile, we go after Satch.
ETHAN: Fair point. But how do we go after Satch?
EVAN: I was thinking sabotage. Even if we attack Satch, that won’t convince the union workers not to support him necessarily.
ETHAN: But if we eliminate Satch as an option for union workers, wouldn’t they go for Sarandon?
EVAN: No, because we can say Sarandon didn’t do anything for the unions, while YOU provided the police they wanted.
ETHAN: Genius! But do we go about sabotage?
EVAN: That I’m not sure about.
ETHAN: Hmm…wait a minute…I vaguely remember something…
(Cut to Ryan and Ethan sitting at the dinner table. Ethan is on his laptop while Ryan is talking and Ethan is clearly half-listening)
RYAN: So basically, Sarah is upset that Irville Satch is engage to her mom,
RYAN: So I’ve been helping her work through that. Oh, oh! Let me describe to you the most recent episode of Tribulations of Roki-saka!
(Cut to Ethan in his office)
ETHAN: Yes, on Easter, I vaguely remember Ryan saying something about how Irville Satch is engaged to his friend’s mom and how she’s upset. If we want to keep our finger prints off of this, we could have Sarah Blumenthal sabotage this to get back at her impending step father!
EVAN: I think that’ll work!
ETHAN: Awesome! Now go organize my files from whitest to most coffee mug stained.
EVAN: Ah, this is a sweet gig.
(Cut to Luther, Alan and Natasha sitting in rolling chairs in the KDGM studio’s computer area)
ALAN: Did you see Kevin Ware break his leg?
LUTHER: YEAH! It sucked because I had Peyton Siva breaking his leg in my injurious final four, I didn’t even have Kevin Ware!
ALAN: it sucked for YOU? I had Luke Hancock cracking his jaw on the rim! If Zach Price was impaled, I would be rich right now.
NATASHA: Jesus Christ.
(Ryan walks in crying. He throws down his jacket and retreats into another room in the KDGM studio)
NATASHA: …Should we check on him?
LUTHER: Just leave him alone.
ALAN: But he’s an emo, so there’s a pretty good chance he’ll find some way to kill himself in there. (They all immediately get up and dash to the door. Alan tries to open it, but it’s locked. Alan knocks on the door) Buddy? You alright in there?
RYAN: (Through the door) I HATE THIS FUCKING SCHOOL!
LUTHER: We all do, Ryan.
RYAN: I WISH I WAS DEAD!
NATASHA: We all do, Ryan.
NATASHA: I meant ME, not you, Ryan.
LUTHER: You still said you wish you were dead, don’t think we didn’t notice that.
ALAN: Buddy, what happened?
RYAN: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
LUTHER: See? Let’s just leave him alo-
(Ryan comes out, his face still wet from tears)
RYAN: Okay, get this. Cooper and I go to the principal’s office to get an office for our skit, and we ask Maxell and Duron for the note, but they just unleash a verbal ASSAULT on me about my grades, right in front of Cooper! Like, what the fuck?!
ALAN: That is pretty shitty.
LUTHER: Yeah, I thought sure you were crying about something stupid, like, there not being such things as booths that make you whiter.
RYAN: I have been a proponent of skin-whitening booths for years, but no, this is seriously stupid!
ALAN: Yeah, it sucks, but I don’t think it’s worth getting too rustled about.
NATASHA: Well, let’s not tell him his feelings don’t matter.
LUTHER: But his feelings don’t matter.
RYAN: Oh my God, I’m going to talk to the counselor about this!
(Ryan storms out of the studio)
LUTHER: So, about you wishing you were dead-
NATASHA: I wish I was dead because of you.
LUTHER: I can live with that.
(Cut to Principal Maxell and Assistant Principal Duron in Maxell’s office, talking)
PRINCIPAL DURON: How long have you been lobbying congress to allow you to fire Mr. Harris the English teacher?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Going on ten years now. Goddamn unions.
(Counselor Vammberg walks in and shuts the door)
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: It’s wunderbar to see you two.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: You should really knock.
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Oh, I learned from my descendants to never knock, otherwise they’ll know you’re coming.
PRINCIPAL DURON: Yeah!
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Anyway, Ryan Donahue came to me in an exasperated state. He essentially said you two made fun of him for his grades in front of another student.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: We were also making fun of the other student, I think. Weren’t we?
PRINCIPAL DURON: Oh, we tore the other student to shreds.
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Ryan did not mention that. He expressed that it was akin to a verbal assault.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: A VERBAL assault? Come on. How sensitive are kids these days?
PRINCIPAL DURON: They can handle running over tons of innocent people on street corners in Great Theft Automobile, but they can’t handle a good ribbing?
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Well, Ryan has anxiety and depression issues, so…
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I suppose we have to “apologize” at this point.
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: I think that would be kellentaughen.
PRINCIPAL DURON: Sorry?
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Kellentaughen, it’s a German word that means “beneficial in a situation in which you openly insult an emo kid about his grades in front of another student”.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: God, they have words for everything over there.
PRINCIPAL DURON: How often do you use that word?
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: More often than you’d think.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Just bring Ryan in here.
(Cut to Ryan sitting at a circular table in Maxell’s office. Also at the table Principal Maxell, Assistant Principal Duron, Counselor Vammberg and a female assistant principal with a nametag reading “Mrs. McDermott”)
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: it has come to my attention that you were…I don’t want to say offended,
RYAN: You should want to say that, because I was offended.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Maybe irked a little bit by the comments Mr. Duron and I made to you the morning of April 1st.
RYAN: Yeah, today. Like, half an hour ago.
PRINCIPAL DURON: Right, and we want you to know our intentions were not malicious. In fact, we were poking jocular fun at Mr. Dickson as well.
RYAN: I don’t recall you doing that.
PRINCIPAL DURON: I don’t recall you having good grades in Chem-(Clears throat) sorry, fresh start. I know you may not recall it, but it happened.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Yes. We were simply engaging in some delicate ribbing. And you appeared to have thought that was GRIM.
RYAN: You seem to keep using that joke.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: My humor is notoriously dry, and if you were offended by that, I apologize.
RYAN: You’re sorry I was offended?
PRINCIPAL DURON: No, no, we are EXTREMELY sorry you were offended.
RYAN: That’s not how apologies work, but listen, I suppose the reason I was so intimidated by your “ribbing” is because you guys are the most powerful people in the school. (Assistant Principal McDermott, the woman, clears her throat loudly) And, I suppose I’m just not used to riffing jokes with the two most powerful human beings in the school-(Assistant Principal McDermott clears her throat once again, very loudly) sorry, could someone get the lady a glass of water? It’s rude to not provide women with water when they’re in need of it.
PRINCIPAL MCDERMOTT: Ryan, I’m also an assistant principal here.
RYAN: Yeah, and you clearly need some water.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Listen Ryan, part of the reason I wasn’t thrilled about the skit idea you came in with is, the concept of having the Grim Reaper in a skit didn’t necessarily seem appropriate considering Dirk Jameson and Jim Cornish’s deaths ten months ago, especially since Jim’s death was at the hands of YOUR friend.
RYAN: That was in self-defense!
PRINCIPAL DURON: We get that. But, still. We wanted to make sure it would be appropriate.
RYAN: I assure you, the grim reaper is not reminiscent of death in any way.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Thank God. So, do you accept my apology for your actions?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Well I’m glad we’ve gotten this behind us!
(Maxell, Duron, McDermott, Vammberg and Ryan stand up. Ryan extends his hand and Maxell and Duron shake each other’s hands)
PRINCIPAL DURON: That’ll be all.
(Ryan puts down his hand)
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: We done good!
PRINCIPAL DURON: We done great!
PRINCIPAL MCDERMOTT: Why are you guys proud?
(Cut to Ryan walking out of the Principal’s office to see Cooper holding a dark cloak, a scary mask and a hall pass)
COOPER: Hey…do you still not want to help?
RYAN: (Deep breath) I’ll help.
COOPER: There he is!
(Ryan walks over to Cooper, who pats him on the back and they start walking down the hallway. Cut to Madeline sitting in front of a camcorder on a tripod with a mounted mic in front of a blue background in some sort of room. Kelsey and Melody are standing nearby, looking elated for Madeline. A man with a thin mustache, a Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts and a baseball cap is behind the camera)
CAMERA MAN: (Bronx accent) So, how is this gonna work?
MELODY: Just film her talking, we’ve gone over the lines with her.
CAMERA MAN: Okay, so when are you two going to come in?
KELSEY: Oh, we’re not in the video.
CAMERA MAN: Oh, is she gonna be doin’ it to herself?
CAMERA MAN: Sorry, is this not a lesbian porn flick?
KELSEY: Our offices say “Stara Institute of Hypnotherapy”.
CAMERA MAN: So wait, what am I supposed to do then?
MELODY: Press record!
CAMERA MAN: You hired me to press record?
KELSEY: On second thought, that was probably unnecessary.
(The camera man press record)
CAMERA MAN: Thanks for the cash.
(The camera man walks away)
KELSEY: Damnit, we’re down 150 bones.
MADELINE: No worries, I’ll just start.
MELODY: Are you excited?
KELSEY: Alright, go ahead.
MADELINE: Hi. Thank you for joining me on this hypnotherapy session. If you enjoy our work, please take a minute out of your sleepy reverie to give this video a thumbs up. Leave us a comment and tell us how relaxed you feel. Subscribe to our channel and add me to your favorites. (She smiles and winks) Right now, you are about to drift off into a state of relaxation unlike any you’ve experienced before. Do not listen to this recording if you are driving, operating heavy machinery or drinking heavily. Also, don’t mix any of those three. And really never do the last one. Although, it may help you sleep better. Sorry, what was I talking about?
(Cut to Madeline and Kelsey talking in the break room later)
KELSEY: You did great in there.
MADELINE: Yeah, I think I did pretty well after a few takes.
KELSEY: Yeah. Don’t you love Stan by the way?
MADELINE: Yeah, he’s pretty interesting.
KELSEY: Interesting? I think he’s a hottie. Do I smell fire alarms or what?
KELSEY: So you picked what?
MADELINE: I don’t know, I guess he’s okay looking. He’s kind of strange though.
KELSEY: Strange? He’s the best looking male hypnotists I’ve seen, way better than Barney.
(Barney, an overweight Asian man with a ponytail and goatee walks over wearing work clothes)
BARNEY: Hey, what’s going on, guys?
KELSEY: Hey, Barney.
MADELINE: Hi, Barney.
BARNEY: I had a great idea today, hypnosis specifically for people who are stressed out because their step father huffs paint and abuses his deaf midget son.
MADELINE: That sounds a little too specific.
BARNEY: Right, maybe the midget’s just hard of hearing.
KELSEY: See? Barney here isn’t a contender for my heart, but Stan certainly is.
MADELINE: He’s right here!
KELSEY: Oh, I wish he was.
MADELINE: No, I’m talking about Barney, he’s standing right here!
BARNEY: Don’t worry, I’m used to it.
MADELINE: Anyway, if you like Stan so much, why don’t you ask him out?
KELSEY: No way, I’m too young for him. He’s thirty-three. You should ask him out, though.
MADELINE: I’m the same age as you!
KELSEY: No, you’re one day older! Stan draws the line at 19 years, seven months and thirty days, but 19 years and eight months, he could go for that. But me, I’m too young, I only barely remember the 1996 election!
MADELINE: I don’t remember AT ALL the 2004 election and I was eleven!
KELSEY: Sack that dirt sack, Maddie.
MADELINE: I’m just not interested, okay? God.
KELSEY: I’m just sayin’.
MADELINE: Why do people think that sanitizes everything they say? (Madeline gets a call on her phone and answers it) WHAT?
OLIVER: (Over the phone) Want to go out for lunch?
MADELINE: NO! (Madeline hangs up and storms out of the break room and goes to her cubicle, opens up a word document and starts typing “Hypnosis for Dating Fatigue by Madeline Donahue”. Then, a window comes up reminding her that her free one-month trial of Word 2010 is about to expire) Son of a bitch!
(Cut to Darryl and Glenn sitting outside William Sorrell’s window)
GLENN: I can’t believe we just listened to them fuck for an hour straight.
DARRYL: I can’t feel my dick.
(They begrudgingly look back into the window to see William Sorrel in a towel in his living room while watching Tosh.0)
WILLIAM: THAT WAS AMAZING, HONEY!
MRS. SORRELL: (Off-screen) I KNOW POOKUMS! WHY DID YOU YELL “DANIEL” DURING SEX, THOUGH?!
WILLIAM: Uh, IT’S MY NICKNAME FOR ME! God, I would love to meet Daniel Tosh.
(Darryl and Glenn give each other a knowing look. They smile)
WILLIAM: Honey, what was that?
(They run off. Cut to Sarah walking out of school on Tuesday. Evan walks up to her)
EVAN: Sorry, are you Sarah Blumenthal?
SARAH: Who are you? I have bootleg perfume and I’m not afraid to use it!
EVAN: Relax, I work for your ex-boyfriend’s dad!
SARAH: Oh, so we’re practically best friends, huh?
EVAN: No, I’m just-I need your help.
SARAH: …Whose car are we taking?
EVAN: Are you quoting The Town?
SARAH: Well, I mean-
EVAN: I haven’t even told you what I want yet.
(Cut to black)
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Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
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