The Donahues Episode 85

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
The special election is held for the Mayoralship, Jacob tries to mollify Ross’ fears and Ryan becomes increasingly impulsive, which concerns Brennan

Submitted: April 09, 2013

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Submitted: April 09, 2013









“What necessitates an urgent and immediate response...with a preventing of decay, has joined the marketing of peace. As something declared as a priority. Like education and jobs! And the outsourcing done of feed those teased by greed”

  • Lawrence Pertillar


(We start with Sarah sitting on a bench outside Hansbay High with Evan)


EVAN: Okay, Sarah, your ex-boyfriend’s dad is running against Brian Sarandon and Irville Satch, your impending step dad, correct?


SARAH: Can we skip all the rhetorical questions and just cut to the chase?


EVAN: Your mom is Amy Blumenthal right?


SARAH: C’mon!


EVAN: Fine! Would you be willing to help the Donahue campaign sabotage your impending step dad’s campaign?


SARAH: ...Is this on the record?




SARAH: I want it to be on the record. Because the answer is yes. It’s cool, Irville can’t read. Don’t put it in braille though, he knows braille.


EVAN: He knows braille, but he can’t read?


SARAH: He said it’s important to learn braille because, “we’ll all be deaf someday due to the iPods”.


EVAN: Jesus. Anyway, there is no record, so don’t worry.


SARAH: I want a record.


(Cut to Brian on the phone in his mansion. Glenn and Darryl are behind him, excited looking)


BRIAN: It’s ringing.


(They squeal with excitement. Cut to Jon Stewart in his office in New York typing on his computer)


JON STEWART: 2015 Oscar Speech for Rosewater…”I hope Kim Jong Un doesn’t kidnap me for this!” No, no, North Korea won’t exist in 2015. (Jon’s phone rings and he answers it) Hello?


BRIAN: (On the phone) Tosh!


JON: …Sorry?


BRIAN: The Toshster. What’s up, man?


JON: …Um, I’m confused…man.


BRIAN: You should totally do a web redaction for me.


JON: Dude, I’m not Daniel Tosh.


BRIAN: Who daft punk is this?


JON: This is Jon Stewart.


BRIAN: Goddamnit, sorry, Jon.


JON: That’s okay, who’s this though?


BRIAN: It’s Brian Sarandon, I came on your show last August.


JON: Oh yeah. Why do you need Daniel Tosh? Did you make a rape joke and are you now seeking his advice?


BRIAN: I wish it was that simple.


(Cut to Daniel Tosh at his desk on his computer)


DANIEL TOSH: There’s got to be a reason for me to be naked in this next skit. Or maybe I should just do the exact thing that the people in the video are doing, except I’m doing it so it’s funny! You know what, I’ll just make a racist joke and call it a day. (Tosh’s phone rings and he picks it up)  The fuck?


BRIAN: (On the phone) Excuse me?


DANIEL: Sorry, I had to develop a way to sound like an asshole when answering the phone.


BRIAN: Okay, I-


DANIEL: I found a way.


BRIAN: …Right. Anyway, this is Brian Sarandon, the former Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont.


DANIEL: Have you ever vomited on camera?




DANIEL: Then I don’t know you.


BRIAN: Well, the reason I called you Mr. Tosh, is to ask for a favor.


DANIEL: You live in Vermont? I’m not sure if I want to even Skype in a favor, much less travel all the fuck over to Vermont.


BRIAN: What if there’s casa in it for you?


DANIEL: …I get a house?


BRIAN: What? No, doesn’t casa mean money?


DANIEL: No, that’s dinero.


BRIAN: So how do you say cheese?


DANIEL: How much money for this favor and more importantly, what is the favor? Is it gay stuff? Because name the price and I’m down.


BRIAN: Wow, no you’re supposed to meet a fan who happens to be the Attorney General of Vermont.




BRIAN: Because I’m running for Mayor in a special election and I need to make sure he doesn’t pursue an investigation against me should I win. I already served as Mayor for twelve years, but then I allegedly committed perjury. He said he wouldn’t prosecute on the condition that I resign, I resigned, now I’m running again and I need to make sure he won’t do anything dumb so I found out he’s a huge fan of Tosh.0 and so now this conversation is happening.


DANIEL: Well, that’s quite a hefty sum.


BRIAN: I haven’t named the price yet.


DANIEL: No, I mean, I looked up your picture on Google images and you’re a hefty sum.


BRIAN: Thanks. Anyway, how much are you worth?


DANIEL: I looked it up on celebrity net, apparently I’m worth 6.5 million dollars.


BRIAN: You didn’t know that without looking it up?


DANIEL: I just looked you up, you’re worth five million dollars. Hm. Pleb.


BRIAN: Oh my god, I am willing to offer you half a million dollars to do this for me, to fly to Vermont, spend a furtive night with some sixty-six year old fan of yours in complete reclusion, just the two of you.


DANIEL: That’s a lot of milk money…


BRIAN: How much milk are you planning on buying?


DANIEL: I’m going to wear milk cartons next season.


BRIAN: Honestly, I don’t watch your show, so I don’t know what the hell that means.


DANIEL: I’ll take the deal. When do you need me to fly up?


BRIAN: Be at Burlington International airport at 5pm on Friday the fifth, capiche Tosh?


DANIEL: Alright, I’ll just have to cancel my date with my girlfriend for the nineteenth time in a row.


BRIAN: Little disturbing, anyway, thanks again, Danny boy.


(Daniel hangs up. Cut to Brian in his mansion with Darryl and Glenn. He turns around)


BRIAN: HE SAID YES! (Darryl and Glenn both squeal and jump) Please, stop jumping, I can’t keep up with that.


(They stop)


DARRYL: Well, I guess we can just continue the attack line.


(Cut to Brian speaking at a campaign rally on Wednesday)


BRIAN: Mayor Donahue apparently thinks it’s alright to SPRAY people he disagrees with with water! (The audience boos) Does that not remind anyone else of summers growing up in Montpelier and cooling off with a nice exploding fire hydrant? (Confused mumbles) I mean, SELMA, ALABAMA! (People boo) That’s right, Selma, Alabama. Also, could I get a shout-out from my union supporters?! (The union people holler) That’s right! I support unions!


(Cut to Ethan at a campaign rally)


ETHAN: Former Mayor Sarandon says he supports unions! (Boos) Really? Well that’s interesting, because he placated the unions’ concerns about security at Lake Champlain and I alleviated those concerns with more cops on Lake Champlain than ever before! (Cheers) That’s what I call a no-brainer. I put a trademark on that.


(Cut to Irville Satch at a campaign stop)


IRVILLE SATCH: Mayor Donahue claims that he invented the term “no-brainer”. I’ll have you know I invented that term when Ethan Donahue was a wee snot-nosed little baby tike! He was so small!


(Cut to Brian being interviewed by Fiona Cadbury in a room in Brian’s house with cameras)


BRIAN: Well, recently Mayor Donahue boasted about raising taxes, so I’m fairly confident I’m more conservative than him.


FIONA: I asked you if it was hot enough for you.


BRIAN: Oh. Well, no it’s like thirty-three degrees outside.


(Cut to Irville Satch in an interview with a radio host for 92.1 WRUV)


IRVILLE SATCH: Brian Sarandon thinks thirty-three degrees is hot. I say if you can’t stand the heat, the buck stops here!


(The radio host laughs)


RADIO HOST: Dude, you’re hilarious. What song do you want next, Imagine Dragons? Weezer? The Lumineers?


IRVILLE: …Play Cough Syrup.


RADIO HOST: Young the Giant it is!


(Cut to Ethan being interviewed by Patrick White in the studio)


ETHAN: Former Mayor Sarandon recently lambasted me for increasing police forces along Lake Champlain, he apparently thinks keeping vagrants off our tug boats is a misuse of tax money.


PATRICK WHITE: But you did increase taxes to pay for that increased police force, correct?


ETHAN: I used the city’s coffers wisely.


PATRICK: By increasing taxes.


ETHAN: Well, I-


PATRICK: Just say you increased taxes.


ETHAN: I-I am glad that I made Hansbay safer.


PATRICK: By increasing taxes.


ETHAN: That-that is not proven.


PATRICK: Sorry, are you saying you didn’t increase taxes?


ETHAN: No, I’m saying I did what was best for Hansbay-


PATRICK: Which was, and I hate to harp on this, increasing-


(Cut to Ethan in his office reading the Hansbay Quintessential. The headline reads “MAYOR DONAHUE GETS TONGUE-TIED AND FLUSTERED IN LATEST GAFFE” with the sub-headline “Dumb got your tongue? Asks this snide observer”. Also on the front page, there is a side story with a picture of a woman holding a tray with a tall stack of cookies that looks as if they’re about to collapse onto her, as her countenance is frozen with fear. The title of the story reads “This woman baked TOO MANY COOKIES! OH NO!”)


ETHAN: Son of a bitch. (He throws down the newspaper) You’ve got to help me, kid.


(Pan over to Sarah and Evan, who are directly in front of his desk)


SARAH: I can help you. Anything to get back at my step dad.


ETHAN: And to prevent Sarandon from winning.


SARAH: Sure.


ETHAN: Okay. Now, we need you to sabotage the Satch campaign because we can’t be caught doing that. If you get caught, they’ll chalk it up to a teen being mischievous and you’ll be fine. Plus we’re paying you pretty well.


SARAH: Your wish is my wish to be taken into consideration by me.


ETHAN: …Right. Anyway, what’s the most classic way for a politician to have a downfall?


SARAH: To be caught with his pants down.


ETHAN: Right, but obviously that’s not an option here-


SARAH: No, I mean like, literally be caught with his pants down. Like, we pull his pants down in front of everybody, embarrassing him out of the race.


EVAN: Sarah, we need real suggestions-


ETHAN: No, no, I like it. It has a certain Middle School simplicity to it. How would we do it with nobody knowing it was you though?


EVAN: Are we really entertaining this idea?


SARAH: We attach fish hooks to his pants that are connected to cellophane string. A buddy and I both pull downwards on his pants and there he is, looking like an idiot, as opposed to looking like what he usually looks like, which is a moron.


ETHAN: One issue though, what if he wears a belt?


SARAH: Not an issue at all, I steal the belts from his room while Amy and him are asleep, I make him late to his rally, he has no choice but to go beltless.


ETHAN: Holy shit, we have a rising star in politics, ladies and gentlemen! I can see why you and Ryan dated for so long.


SARAH: We dated for four months.


ETHAN: Trust me, that’s a long time for Ryan.


(Cut to Ross sitting in his living room on Saturday. He is nervously tapping on the arm of his chair. Joshua Higgins comes in with coffee in hand)


JOSHUA: What’s got you all in a swivet, boy?


ROSS: Don’t call me boy, that’s racist.


JOSHUA: I’m-I’m black too.


ROSS: Why? Because your parents were?




ROSS: Do you celebrate Kwanzaa?


JOSHUA: Nobody’s celebrated Kwanzaa since 1967. Regardless, why are you so nervous?


ROSS: I’m not, I just have to go pick up Jacob soon.


JOSHUA: Doesn’t he have a car?


ROSS: Not since he left it in the Adirondacks over Spring Break. Now all he has is the shirt on his back. (Cut to Ross in his car outside the Donahue household. Jacob is in the passenger seat without a shirt on) Why?


JACOB: There’s bound to be pawned tang at this place, man.


ROSS: Pawned tang?


JACOB: Yeah, pawn shop tang. Ex-girlfriends, ex-ex-girlfriends and of course, sex girlfriends.


ROSS: Yeah, well they’re probably going to be wearing sweaters, because it’s forty degrees out.


JACOB: Son of a bitch, I hate Vermont. (Jacob puts on a short-sleeved shirt) Let’s go.


ROSS: Alright.


(Ross starts up the car and they start driving while the radio comes on)


NPR ANCHOR: This is NPR. Coming up, we’ll have an in-depth, four-hour analysis on the endocrine system of adult sloths, but first, the news. North Korea has apparently loaded missiles into launchers on the East Coast of the Korean Peninsula and DPRK officials have told embassies in the country their safety cannot be guaranteed should war break out between the North and the South. This is NPR. However, they have told visiting tourists to continue with their tours and that their safety is not at risk. This is NPR. For many North Korean tourists, this means they can continue to take leisurely tours of the famous Kim Jong Il mountains, the Kim Jong Il Museum, the Kim Jong Water Park and of course, the Donald Trump Spa and Casino. This is still NPR.


JACOB: Why are we listening to this?


ROSS: This is NPR.


JACOB: I know! But why are we listening to it? Let’s put on 92.1.


ROSS: Fine.


(He changes it 92.1 WRUV)


RADIO ANNOUNCER: I am so totally mondo stoked to let you rock out to this next jam, I really dug this jam the first time I heard it. I dug it mondo hard. This jam is called “Mondo Hard: The Jam”.


ROSS: Jesus Christ, how old is this guy?


(Cut to Ryan and Brennan in Brennan’s car)


BRENNAN: Honestly though, if you had to choose, gun to your head, to kill either Stephen Hawking or some 45-year old guy who works at a grocery store, who would you choose?


RYAN: Stephen Hawking, hands down.




RYAN: Look at him! What kind of quality of life is that?!


BRENNAN: He’s perfectly happy, he-


RYAN: He can’t even jerk it!


BRENNAN: Oh my God, by the way, we’re going to stop at Toys R Us.


RYAN: Why?


BRENNAN: My brother Jeff’s girlfriend’s birthday is tomorrow, so he asked me to get something for her.


RYAN: Your brother Jeff has a girlfriend? He’s eight!


BRENNAN: Yeah, and he treats her terribly.


RYAN: He’s too young to be a bad boyfriend.


BRENNAN: Yeah, well you’re old enough. (Ryan half-smiles. Brennan puts his hand on his shoulder while he’s driving) I’m kidding, Ryan.


(Ryan and Brennan break out laughing and Ryan puts his hand on Brennan’s. Cut to Ryan and Brennan in the Toys R Us in a section with motorized scooters and things)


BRENNAN: Doesn’t your brother work here?


RYAN: Yeah, but he’s not working here right now. I haven’t seen Delaware here either. If I did see him though, I would punch him in handsome face.


BRENNAN: Hey, don’t hold grudges from a relationship that ended seven months ago.


RYAN: Sorry.


BRENNAN: Anyway, I would say, generally, these things are too expensive.


RYAN: I say these scooters are “A triumph! The best scooters of 2013! Bravo! Andale, Arriba! Arriba!”


BRENNAN: What are you talking about?


RYAN: Sorry, I was reading Roger Ebert’s obituary.


BRENNAN: Oh yeah, I heard about that.


RYAN: Yeah, it’s sad. Personally, when I saw that his cancer returned, I was like “not another sequel!”


BRENNAN: Wow, offensive.


RYAN: Dude, I should totally drive this motor bike through the store.


BRENNAN: (Chuckles) Yeah.


RYAN: No, I’m serious. You could tape me!


BRENNAN: We’ll get kicked out.


RYAN: Who gives a fuck?


BRENNAN: I have to get a present for Jeff’s girlfriend!


RYAN: Fuck Jeff and his girlfriend. Why can’t he get the present?


BRENNAN: Maybe because he’s eight and doesn’t have a car.


RYAN: Dude, this is a once in a lifetime chance. Take out your phone and film me!


BRENNAN: Ugh…alright!


RYAN: YES! (Ryan hugs a smiling Brennan and then takes a mini-bike off the display and turns it on) Wow, it works. They just left it unbolted and operational. As far as I’m concerned, this is their fault.


(Ryan gets on the bike and Brennan takes out his phone)


BRENNAN: Wait, where are you going to drive it?


RYAN: By the check-out.


(Brennan laughs)


BRENNAN: They’re going to yell at you!


RYAN: I know.


BRENNAN: You need something to say when they yell at you. Like…


RYAN: Free Manson?


BRENNAN: Wha-nobody wants him free!


RYAN: How about…”Jews go back to Africa”?


BRENNAN: (Laughs) That’s perfect!


RYAN: Alright, let’s do it!


(Brennan starts recording on his phone and Ryan starts driving. Brennan runs closely behind him, filming and giggling. Ryan drives around to the front of the store. A cashier notices him)






(Ryan goes down an aisle and turns a corner, as does Brennan. There is a woman and her six-year old child standing there)


BRENNAN: SHIT! (Ryan becomes very close to hitting the child, but swerves to avoid them and goes down another aisle. Brennan stops filming and kneels down to the child) Are you okay? Are you okay?


CHILD: That was weird.


BRENNAN: Yeah, my boyfriend’s weird. He’s a weird moron. (He stands up) I’m so sorry about that ma’am.


(The woman is inexplicably holding a tea cup and her hand is severely shaking, sloshing the tea back and forth in the cup)


WOMAN: My heavens, what in the world has transpired here?


BRENNAN: My boyfriend’s an asshole, that is what has transpired.


WOMAN: That poor mentally retarded child…


(She takes a very nervous sip of her tea)


BRENNAN: Why do you assume he’s mentally retarded? Anyway, I have to go. Sorry again.


(Brennan puts the phone in his pocket and walks down the aisle to see Jacob’s boss Mr. Silver chasing after Ryan. Ryan runs through the door and out of the store and Mr. Silver stops, catches his breath and then sits down in a nearby chair)


MR. SILVER: AND STAY OUT! (Three Toys R Us employees arrive in Barbie mini-cop cars, complete with sirens) He got away.


(They turns off the sirens and Brennan walks over to Mr. Silver nods and walks out of the store as they stare at him. Cut to Jacob and Ross parked outside someone’s house)


JACOB: Um, is there a reason we’re not getting drunk as futch with Jesse Ellis right now?


ROSS: They’re getting high back there, correct?


JACOB: Yes, Jacob, they’re getting high.


ROSS: Okay…


JACOB: So, just go back there, you’ll be fine.


ROSS: I just-sorry, I have a mental block about weed ever since I had that weed-induced panic attack three and a half months ago.


JACOB: Ross, you won’t get a contact high or anything, just tell yourself it’s not going to happen and it won’t.


ROSS: Alright.


JACOB: Great, let’s go.


(Ross and Jacob get out of the car and walk through the yard and as Ross and Jacob are walking towards the fenced area, Jacob enters the backyard, but Ross nervously walks away and walks back to the car. Cut to Jacob walking to the backyard to see Beckett, Preston, Trey, Colleen, a slightly overweight kid, Roger and Cooper back there. Beckett is smoking weed, as is Roger and Cooper)


BECKETT: Hey, Jacob, what’s up?


TREY: Jacob, dude how are ya?


JACOB: I’m great. You guys remember Ross-(Jacob turns around to see Ross isn’t there) where the fuck is…? Um, did you guys see Ross somewhere?


OVERWEIGHT KID: Who the fuck is Ross?


JACOB: Jesse, Ross is my African-American friend who doesn’t appear to be here, where is he?


BECKETT: Dude, you’re fucking crazy, there’s no one there.


JESSE: Dude, you have an imaginary friend?


JACOB: Shut up, Jesse! Beckett, you’ve MET Ross numerous times.


BECKETT: I just told you I saw him, Jacob.


(They all laugh. Jacob walks back to the driveway to see Ross)


JACOB: Dude, what the fuck are you doing? They think I’m crazy in there!


ROSS: Sorry, I just, panicked and walked back, I couldn’t go in there, with the ancient memories.


JACOB: Oh my God dude, it’s not a big deal, it’s just weed, it can’t hurt you!




JACOB: Dude, just suck it up, let’s go in there.


ROSS: Fine.


(Jacob and Ross walk towards the fence opening, Jacob walks in but Ross turns back again. Cut to Jacob walking back to the people hanging out back there)


JACOB: Ladies and gentleman…Ross Higgins-(He looks back) SON OF A BITCH!


(Jacob walks back to the driveway)


COLLEEN: What a creep.


(Cut to Jacob walking back to the driveway and seeing Ross)


JACOB: Dude, what the fuck?!


ROSS: I’m sorry, I can’t do it!


JACOB: Dude, you’re being a fucking bitch, just go back there!


ROSS: Fuck you dude, we met one year ago today, you should know at this point that I’ve always had reservations about pot!


JACOB: YEAH, but a year ago you never minded being around people who smoked it! Remember, we got high in that bowling alley and you just sat on by. Plus, you eventually started smoking five months ago on Halloween! But now all of a sudden being around people who smoke is fucking Armageddon?


ROSS: Dude, you don’t understand!


JACOB: Yeah, I fucking don’t. So you can either stop being a bitch and come back there with me or leave and ruin my night, like you did five months three and a half months ago. Your choice, take your time and let me know, just know, that I don’t have a phone because of the goddamn Chicago Police Force, I had been using my dad’s phone but that ended, so you’ll have to inform me of your decision by either going the fuck back there or using a fucking carrier pigeon. Fucking.


(Jacob walks into the backyard, leaving Ross pissed off. Ross walks over to his car and gets in the driver’s seat and just sits there. Cut to Amy and Irville asleep in their bedroom at night. Sarah slowly cracks open the door and tip-toes in wearing one of those Victorian masks from costume parties, she’s holding the mask to her face with a stick. She tip-toes over to the wardrobe)


SARAH: (Whispering) I guess I don’t really need this mask.


(She puts the mask aside. She slowly opens a drawer, which makes a noise, causing Irville to change positions in bed and causing Sarah to tense up)


IRVILLE: (Sleep talking) Of course I met him, he lives near the Potomac, does he not? (Sarah quietly removes several belts from the bottom drawer. She then quietly and slowly closes the drawer. She then sneaks over to Irville’s bed side table and delicately picks up his phone. She looks at his phone’s alarms and sees “Wake Up- 7:30 AM”, “Movin’ On Up- 9:30 AM”, “Change Pants-10:30 AM” and “MAD MEN-9PM SUNDAY”. She then slyly changes the “AM” in the wake up alarm to “PM”, giggles and puts the phone back on the bedside table and sneaks her way out. Cut to the next morning, Irville is awoken by his phone’s alarm. He jumps out of bed and looks at the phone) FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN! I’M LATE!


(Amy wakes up)


AMY: What’s that, sweet pile?


IRVILLE: My 7:30 AM alarm didn’t wake me up for some reason. I gotta get ready, pranta! (Irville opens a drawer, throws some dress pants on and looks in his belt drawer to discover no belts) WHERE THE HELL ARE MY BELTS?!


AMY: They’re in your belt drawer!




AMY: Check again.


(Irville shuts the door and opens it again)


IRVILLE: STILL EMPTY! Screw this, I’ll have to go beltless. (Irville runs out of the room. He comes back seconds later, grabs a shirt, a tie a suit jacket and some shoes) I’ll probably need these things.


(He then leaves. Cut to Sarah and Michelle backstage somewhere)


MICHELLE: So, we have to somehow manage to get cellophane string attached to his pants and then pull them down without him or anyone else noticing?


SARAH: Essentially. Plus, I attained an advanced copy of his stump speech. (She takes out an advanced copy of his stump speech) We’re going to pull them down as soon as he says “pimpin’ business”.


MICHELLE: Why does he say that at all?


(Cut to Lindol Atkins in some convention hall speaking to an audience of AFL-CIO tug boat operators on a stage)


LINDOL ATKINS: Our next speaker may not be our favorite AFL-CIO tug boat operator. We may not even regard him as a friend. We may not agree with him on everything. We may not even respect him. But underneath all that, we treat him with friendship and respect. Please welcome, the Democratic nominee for Mayor of Hansbay, Irville Satch!


(Irville Satch comes on stage to reluctant applause and shakes Lindol Atkins’ hand as Lindol walks away and the applause dies down, Irville takes out a wireless microphone and walks around stage as he speaks)


IRVILLE: Thank you so much, Lindol, for your kind words. I declare today to you, my undying support for the AFL-CIO! (Applause) I also say that Hansbay is on the precipice of a new age of leadership by me! Irville “WHAT UP PLAYAS” Satch. For too long Hansbay laborers have suffered under the oppressive regime of Mayor Donahue. Two and a half weeks is too long to endure such AGONY! For instance, I was kicked out of a library just a few weeks ago for playing sardines with some friends. Do WE want to live in a society where we cannot play SARDINES in certain places? I believe in amending the constitution to PROTECT the right to play sardines! That is why, we as Vermonters, hell, we as Hansbayers should declare today “ich ben ein Pimpin’ business”! (Sarah and Michelle pull on the strings from both sides of the stage and Irville’s pants come tumbling down to the floor, causing the entire audience to gasp at the sigh of his underpants. Sarah and Michelle quickly run away) Well, Damnit. I guess that ends that! I should just show myself out.


(Irville waddles off stage, not even bothering to pull his pants back up. He then waddles out a side door, leaving behind a stunned audience. Cut to Ethan, Evan, Sarah and Michelle in Ethan’s office. Ethan and Evan are watching a continuous loop of the video, cracking up)


ETHAN: You done well, kids!

EVAN: Oh, I’m cryin’!


(Their laughing dies down and they turn to Sarah and Michelle)


ETHAN: You did great.


MICHELLE: Are we going to be compensated in some way?


EVAN: Sarah got back at her step father.


SARAH: That’s all the pay I need.


MICHELLE: I didn’t get anything out of it.


ETHAN: Fine, you can have Ryan.


MICHELLE: He’s dating Brennan.


ETHAN: Really? Ugh, that faggot.


EVAN: Careful! You could be fired like that Rutgers coach.


ETHAN: That was ridiculous. If that’s a crime, lock me up.


MICHELLE: It isn’t a crime.


ETHAN: Then let me out of jail!


MICHELLE: Can I have money!?


(Ethan takes out a hundred dollar bill and hands it to Michelle)


ETHAN: There.


SARAH: Can we go splitsies?


ETHAN: Leave! (They leave the room. Cut to a campaign ad featuring Ethan in a field) Hi, I’m Ethan Donahue, Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont. I am a Republican who can work with unions. I gave them the police forces they needed around Lake Champlain and I will continue to work with them if you give me the opportunity to serve a full term as your Mayor. (Cut to Ethan in a hard hat wearing goggles looking at a complicated piece of machinery a working stiff is showing him in some factory) See? I can feign interest in machinery better than Brian Sarandon can! (Cut to Ethan at Lake Champlain) And boy do I love tug boats! (Cut to Ethan laying sideways on his desk with his hand holding up his head and his other hand on his hip) But former Mayor Sarandon refused to act when faced with the demands of the Tug Boat Union. I however, acted by giving them what they wanted, therefore avoiding a costly strike. Vote for Donahue for Mayor. For a better today.


(Cut to William Sorrell sitting on his couch with a nice tuxedo on, nervously waiting. Then, the door bell rings. In a swivet, he excitedly prances to the door and opens it to see Daniel Tosh)


WILLIAM: Why, hello there, Mr. Tosh.


DANIEL: Hi, I’m Daniel Tosh.


WILLIAM: Please come in.


(Daniel walks in an William squeals)


DANIEL: This is a nice house.


(William closes the door)


WILLIAM: It is now.


(Daniel turns to William)


DANIEL: So, is this like a Make-A-Wish thing? Are you sick?


WILLIAM: I’m love sick. Here, (William walks over and grabs a box and brings it back to Daniel) I got you something.


(Daniel opens the box to reveal a mink scarf)




(William takes the scarf and puts it around Daniel’s neck)


WILLIAM: Do you like it?


DANIEL: …Sure.


WILLIAM: Give me a web redemption.


DANIEL: Um…are you in an embarrassing web video?


WILLIAM: Well, when I was running for re-election as Attorney General last year, I said that I would probably not prosecute anyone about the widening problem of compost contaminated with illegal, veggie-killing herbicides. So that’s pretty embarrassing.


DANIEL: Yeah, we tend to go for…better…than that.


WILLIAM: Oh, I can be better. You know, President Obama says California Attorney General Kamala Harris is the best-looking Attorney General in the country. He’s wrong though, right? Aren’t I pretty?


DANIEL: Pretty freaked out…


WILLIAM: Don’t be, I LOVE your show.


DANIEL: Really? My show appeals more to the 18-34 demographic, you’re more in the 34 to…dead demographic.


WILLIAM: 66 and lovin’ it!


(Cut to Brian Sarandon speaking at a campaign rally)


BRIAN: These COWARDLY and VICIOUS and VISCOUS attacks are REPREHENSIBLE! I challenge Mayor Donahue and Mr. Satch to a DEBATE! A debate where NO ONE can leave until they LOSE their voice! HA HA HA-


(Brian starts coughing profusely. Cut to Fiona Cadbury delivering the news on Friday)


FIONA: A federal Judge in Brooklyn today ordered that the FDA allow people under seventeen to be able to buy the morning-after pill over the counter without a prescription, landing a blow to the FDA’s policy on Plan B.


(Cut to Ethan and Evan watching the news in Ethan’s office)


ETHAN: Oh my God, why don’t we just put Plan B fortune cookies and gum ball machines?! People are like stray cats these days, I swear.


(Cut back to the news)


PATRICK: Turning to the special election next Tuesday, Irville Satch is picking up steam as a candidate.




PATRICK: He has risen five percentage points in the polls and according to a poll we conducted, 100% of his new supporters supported him purely out of pity.


EVAN: Didn’t anticipate the pity vote.


ETHAN: There’s not supposed to BE such thing as a pity vote!


(Cut to Brennan driving his car with Ryan in the passenger’s seat)


RYAN: That was AWESOME, man!


BRENNAN: Yeah, except when you almost hit that kid.




BRENNAN: I’m just saying, be careful.




BRENNAN: I heard you!


RYAN: You know what we should do? We should drive on the side walk near Sesquicentennial Park.


 BRENNAN: Wow, you are so unbelievably impulsive today.


RYAN: Oh really?




RYAN: Impulsive?




RYAN: There are never PEOPLE on that sidewalk, we’d be going like five miles an hour.


BRENNAN: This isn’t GTA, okay? You can’t just do crazy things on a whim all the time.


RYAN: I don’t give a fuck. I mean, my life is only a few protons from common shit. Atomic symbol “Sh” and atomic number 115.


BRENNAN: I really thought you were going to say two there.


RYAN: Well, that’s helium.


BRENNAN: Well shit isn’t even an element-why is your life so bad anyway?


RYAN: Well, the principals hate me because I called them out for being assholes, Christians hate me for a song I sang, I still have tons of community service to do for my moving violation-


BRENNAN: Driving on the wrong side of the road.


RYAN: MOVING VIOLATION. Anyway, my group therapy didn’t work because I got shitfaced on the last day of it, remember?


BRENNAN: Yes, I remember.


RYAN: And all the while my grades are…less than pristine.


BRENNAN: Could you give me a hint? Like, how are you doing in Chemistry?


RYAN: How about this, I will say the name of a President, and you will figure out what grade I have based on the number of the President I say.


BRENNAN: But there are only forty-four Presidents.


RYAN: Trust me, for Chemistry, that’s enough.


BRENNAN: Wow, okay, just say the President.


RYAN: Herbert Hoover.


BRENNAN: Jesus, what about math?


RYAN: Take John F. Kennedy plus Calvin Coolidge.


BRENNAN: Eek, talk about Silent Calculus.


RYAN: Wow.


BRENNAN: Sorry about that.


RYAN: Yeah.


BRENNAN: How about English?


RYAN: I’m getting a Ronald Reagan plus Richard Nixon in English.


BRENNAN: (Nixon impression) “I am not a book!”


RYAN: Wow, could you stop making these shitty Presidential puns?


BRENNAN: (Reagan impression) “It’s Boring in America.”


RYAN: Yeah.


BRENNAN: How about American Sign Language?


RYAN: Warren Harding plus George H.W. Bush.


BRENNAN: Read my lips, you’ve got to give me that.


RYAN: Fine.


BRENNAN: But why does this pertain to you being impulsive?


RYAN: because since my life is so shitty right now, I just want to go around doing things that entertain me and just generally being as impulsive as possible.


BRENNAN: Ryan, why do you think that’s going to solve anything?!


RYAN: It won’t, but I’m just fuckin’ sick of being depressed, I want excitement!


BRENNAN: Ryan, your life isn’t as bad as you think, you have me, you have your friends, you have your health, your family-


RYAN: Let me stop you right there. I have my health?


BRENNAN: Yes! (Ryan picks up his backpack, turns it over, and about six or seven empty Monster cans fall out. He then puts the back pack back where it was) Fine, but even for the things that are wrong with you, you can change them! I mean, you’ve got to change those grades if you want to graduate.


RYAN: UGGHH…I know. I have to come in for tutoring and things, and I can’t just bribe with fruit anymore. They added in extra security measures and disallowed fruit. Not because of bribery, just because they thought people could hide guns in fruit.


BRENNAN: Well, you can’t be extremely impulsive all the time otherwise you’ll end up hurting someone or yourself.


RYAN: Since when have I ever had a problem with the latter?


BRENNAN: Ryan, just…be reasonable.


RYAN: I’m trying, but you’re being a cocksucker about it.


BRENNAN: See, that would be an example of being unreasonable.


RYAN: Let’s just go to town center, okay?




(Cut to Ryan, Brennan and Chris Hayes talking at Hansbay Town Center as night falls. There are numerous other teenagers standing about)


RYAN: So Chris Hayes, congratulations on All In With Chris Hayes, you’re a precocious sixteen year old, I’ll tell you that much.


CHRIS HAYES: I’ll tell you this much, I once took six JELL-O shots from one thimble!


BRENNAN: Why do you never talk about your television show?


(Ross walks over, looking pissed)


ROSS: Hey guys.


RYAN: Oh, hey Ross. Where’s Jacob? Aren’t you supposed to be with him at Jesse’s house?


ROSS: Yeah, but I freaked out at the specter of weed, you know because of my weed-induced panic attacks, so he was rude to me and told me very abrasively to wait outside, and I was like “fuck that” and I came here.


RYAN: Yeah, my brother can be an asshole. I’ll give him a stern, playful slap in the face next time I see him.


ROSS: Give him a stern, playful punch in the face instead.


BRENNAN: It’s hard to make a punch playful.


ROSS: Well it’s like, okay, today is the one-year anniversary of Jacob and I meeting.


RYAN: Wait, has it really been a year?


ROSS: Yeah.


RYAN: Wait, the night you guys met was the same night Brennan, Michelle, Sarah and I got kidnapped by those terrorists!




RYAN: Alright, we have got to celebrate THIS important anniversary.


BRENNAN: We totally do.


RYAN: You know why? Because earlier I was talking about how shitty my life is, but compared to a year ago when I was getting kidnapped, my life is pretty sweet! I mean, nobody’s after me!


(Pan to the woman and the child from Toys R Us standing in Town Center)




(The woman and the child start running toward Ryan, Brennan, Ross and Chris Hayes)




(They all start running away. Cut to Ethan on Monday watching something on TV in his office. Kimberly and Evan come in holding various documents)


KIMBERLY: Ethan, what are you doing?


ETHAN: Shh! Okay? I’m watching The Iron Lady in honor of the late great Margaret Thatcher, who died today.


EVAN: The Iron Lady?


(Cut to what the TV is displaying. It shows a young Margaret Thatcher ironing a dress shirt on an ironing board in some late 1940s laundry room)


MARGARET THATCHER: (British accent) Oh my Heavens, I ne’ery think Mr. Churchill would appreciate it if I wrinkled his shirts, come now, Margaret!


(Cut back to them watching it)


KIMBERLY: Wow, they could’ve made a movie about her being the first female Prime Minister, but instead they focused on how she was an iron lady. How frustrating!


ETHAN: It’s beautiful. Anyway, (he turns to Evan and Kimberly) what do you guys want?


EVAN: Well sir, the debate’s in a few hours, I figured we should prepare.


ETHAN: Oh yeah, absolutely. Bring it!


KIMBERLY: First of all, don’t say “bring it”.


ETHAN: Come on me, bro!


KIMBERLY: Wow, especially don’t say that!


ETHAN: I didn’t mean it like-ugh, anyway, just prep me.


EVAN: Okay, well, be sure to frequently mention your support for unions, use personal anecdotes and don’t afraid to tell a joke or two.


KIMBERLY: Just not a Betty Francis style “let your husband rape a fifteen year old” style joke.


ETHAN: Yeah, what the fuck was that?


KIMBERLY: I guess they accidentally switched a page from the MAD MEN script with a page from a snuff film script and were just too lazy to correct the mistake.


ETHAN: Anyway, I don’t think I need prepping on what specifically my positions are, I think I have that down.


(Evan looks wide-eyed and nervous)


EVAN: …Okay.


ETHAN: Great, now back to The Iron Lady.


(Ethan turns back to the TV. Cut to young Margaret Thatcher trying to stuff an ironing board into a closet. She shuts the door, but the ironing board pops back out)


MARGARET THATCHER: Bangers and mash!


(She once again tries to stuff the ironing board in the closet. Cut to Patrick White sitting at a desk on a debate set. In front of him are the three candidates, Mayor Ethan Donahue, former Mayor Brian Sarandon and Irville Satch in front of podiums on stage. They are all wearing suits and Irville is wearing two tight belts. There are TV cameras everywhere, including in front of Patrick’s desk. Patrick goes on air)


PATRICK: Hello and welcome to the first and only Hansbay Mayoral debate. My name is Patrick White. Today’s debate will focus on hot topics like marriage equality, healthcare, taxes, the prescription drug abuse crisis, energy, labor unions and war. This debate is brought to you by Hot Topic, the National Organization for Marriage, CIGNA Health Insurance, Americans for Tax Reform, Vermonters for Prescription Drug Abuse, Exxon Mobil, the state of Wisconsin and Halliburton. You may ask why we’re asking the candidates questions about topics they as Mayor will have little or no effect on, well it’s because we can’t talk about how annoying construction on Jeffrey Sarandon boulevard is for two hours. Now, let’s get to the chase. Our first topic is marriage equality. Former Mayor Sarandon, gay marriage is legal in Vermont, do you agree with that law?


BRIAN: My opinion is that marriage is a sacred institution, which is why half of married couples work so hard to keep theirs. I don’t want a sacred institution like marriage sullied by social experimentation. If gays can get married now, what’s to stop two chicks from marrying?


PATRICK: That’s-that’s still gay marriage.


BRIAN: Exactly, and if two guys can get married, what’s to stop them from reproducing and making a population of gay infants?


PATRICK: I guess, biology?


BRIAN: Listen, I’m an open-minded conservative, so I’ve cultivated a compromise. If you can adequately convince a judge or a priest that you’re a woman while trying to marry a guy, you can get married. Same deal for lesbian marriages. The only problem with that of course, is then Rosie O’Donnell couldn’t get married to anybody. Luckily though she doesn’t live here.


PATRICK: Wow, this debate is pretty intense so far. Luckily, we have CNN-style perception analysis equipment to gauge the audience’s reactions to the debate so far, how are they feeling, Fiona?


(Pan to Fiona using a stethoscope on a man in the audience, she’s listening to his heartbeat. He looks confused)


FIONA: This man is still alive!


(Cut back to Patrick)


PATRICK: Very telling. Now Mayor Donahue, what is your opinion on this issue?


ETHAN: Well Patrick, let me just say that I support the sanctity of marriage and I do not support homosexuals having special rights. You know, I come from a simpler time before we were all obsessed with homosexuals. I come from a time when we were obsessed with the beautiful love two individuals can experience together, I come from a time before it was sexist to call a female Attorney General good-looking, I mean come on, when did it become sexist to tell a woman she bootiful? Let me give you an anecdote about the sanctity of straight relationships. I remember when I was in first grade, the year was 1970. I was just playing with my blocks, when a girl came over and asked me if I could have one and I said no, forcefully, just an unequivocal no. The more I said no to her the more irresistible I was to her. Eventually, we hugged on the playground and we dated for a good hour. Of course, that wasn’t my first relationship, I had had a less serious fling a few months earlier, but you get my point. That was an All-American, all-straight relationship. If we had been fifteen years older we could’ve gotten married and had kids of our own, like God intended. Thank you.


PATRICK: Thank you, Mr. Mayor. Mr. Satch?


IRVILLE: The opposition to gay marriage is unIRVing. It is ridiculous to suggest that homo-SATCH-uals should not be able to join in matrimony if they so choose. To suggest that there is pIRVersion in a gay marriage is baseless and insulting. Kids do not necessarily need a mother and father, because you see, it takes an IRVILLage.


PATRICK: Why do you keep incorporating your name into random words?


IRVILLE: Name recognition, back off, bub.


PATRICK: Oh my lord, Fiona, how’s it going over there?


(Cut to Fiona using the stethoscope on a man’s crotch and listening to it. The man is wide-eyed and stone faced)


FIONA: This dude has a boner.


(Cut back to Patrick)


PATRICK: I wonder why. Anyway, we’ll be right back.


(Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Ross and Chris Hayes in the back seat of Brennan’s car on the top of the parking garage. They are sitting on the floor while that woman the kid walk around the parking garage, screaming)






RYAN: (Whispering) This seems like an overreaction.


BRENNAN: (Whispering) Yeah.


CHRIS HAYES: (Whispering) Thanks for involving us, by the way.


RYAN: (Whispering) You willingly ran with us!


ROSS: (Whispering) Honestly, I was kind of a thrill.


RYAN: (Whispering) Yeah, but it would’ve been more of a thrill if she didn’t have a purse filled with enough hard candy to knock out a camel.


BRENNAN: (Whispering) You know what? Fuck this, let’s just drive away, what are they going to do?


RYAN: Hard candy!


(Brennan jumps into the front seat as Ryan jumps into the passenger seat and Ross and Chris Hayes buckle up in the back seat. Ryan and Brennan also buckle up and Brennan starts the car, backs up and drives past the woman and the child)




(The kid throws a water bottle at the car, but they just speed off. Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Ross, Chris Hayes, Michael, Scott, Michelle and Sarah sitting in the living room of someone’s apartment)


ROSS: This is pretty sweet.


RYAN: Yeah, Oleander finally got enough money from his Burger King stock to buy a small apartment.


(Oleander walks in with a plate of hot coals)




(Oleander walks into a dark room which sounds like it has tons of people in it. He then closes the door)


ROSS: Are they smoking hookah in there?


RYAN: No, they’re walking on hot coals.




SCOTT: So, I just realized there are no unavailable people here except Ryan and Brennan.


MICHAEL: That’s true.


SARAH: What about you, Scott? What ever happened to Barbara?


SCOTT: Barbara happened to Barbara. Huh. Also, Cooper happened to Barbara. Repeatedly. Every night in my nightmares.


MICHELLE: Wow, you sound jealous.


SCOTT: Are you kidding me? I’m way better than Cooper. I used to make Barbara moan. Like, REALLY moan.


RYAN: I don’t go for moaning. I go for mourning.


SARAH: I can personally vouch for that!


(They all laugh)


MICHAEL: I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo on my arm, any suggestions?


ROSS: Maybe it should say “April 6, 2023”, the day you’ll start regretting it.


(They all laugh)


SCOTT: I already have tattoos. (Scott rolls up his sleeves to reveal a tattoo on one arm reading “Nice weather today” and the other one says “God, I can’t wait for Friday”, much to everyone’s amusement) That’s right, they get the small talk out of the way! So I can talk about important shit.


ROSS: Like these tattoos?


(They all laugh. Cut to Jacob, Jesse, Beckett, Preston, Trey, Colleen, Roger and Cooper in Jesse’s backyard. Jacob is taking a hit off a pipe. He inhales and then exhales)


JACOB: Beckett, what kind of weed is this?


BECKETT: Dude, that shit is mostly tea leaves.


(Cut back to Oleander’s apartment. Ryan, Ross, Michelle, Scott, Michael, Brennan and Oleander are in Oleander’s kitchen sitting around his table. Many of the attendees, including Ryan, have red cups filled with alcohol with them. Excluding Ross)


OLEANDER: Okay, the rules of strip poker are-


MICHELLE: That we’re not playing strip poker!


OLEANDER: I never agreed to that!


MICHELLE: You never broached the subject!


(Scott takes out a joint and puts it in his mouth, causing Ross to tense up)


RYAN: (Slightly drunken) Don’t worry buddy, Scott, Scott!


SCOTT: What?


RYAN: Ross has a phobia about weed ever since he had panic attacks while on it, do you mind?


SCOTT: Oh, yeah, sorry. I’ll smoke outside.


(Scott gets up and walks out of the apartment, leading Ross to breathe a sigh of relief)


MICHAEL: What should we do?


(They suddenly hear loud country music and they see a car through the window driving through the parking lot with a confederate flag waving out the window)




RYAN: Oh, that’s bullshit! This is VERMONT! You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna run over and steal that fuckin’ flag.


BRENNAN: No, Ryan, we talked about this!


(Ryan gets and nudges Brennan aside)


RYAN: Fuck you, I want the flag!


(Ryan opens the door and starts to run out, but then is suddenly struck in the face with a purse, knocking him out. Cut to Matthew Chambliss reporting outside a polling location in Hansbay gym, which is relatively sparse)


MATTHEW CHAMBLISS: I’m Matthew Chambliss, I’m reporting live from a polling place set up for today’s special election. Hundreds of…well, dozens of Hansbay citizens are going to cast their ballot for their new Mayor. Unless they vote for Donahue or Sarandon, in which case they’ll be getting the current Mayor or the old Mayor. But, still fresh in the voter’s minds are the performances from last night’s debate.


(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Ryan, Jacob, Madeline, Evan and Tatum in the Mayor’s office break room watching TV. Ethan has his head in his hands)


EVAN: Mr. Mayor, when I said personal anecdotes, I didn’t mean anecdotes about yourself!


(He takes his head out of his hands)


ETHAN: People like those though!


RYAN: Dad, it wasn’t even a good anecdote.


ETHAN: I don’t need your input, faggot! Sorry! Old ways creepin’ up on me, it’s the stress!


JACOB: I believe in this campaign, dad! Remember how hopeless Sarandon’s campaign was last year? But he still won!


ETHAN: I doubt I have time to have someone eat a bad sandwich.


MADELINE: But if you win, you can make me Ambassador to Rosewood, Pennsylvania.


KIMBERLY: You mean that town from Pretty Little Liars?




ETHAN: Towns don’t have ambassadors and I’m pretty sure Rosewood, Pennsylvania is a fictional place.


MADELINE: I want to be ambassador to Rosewood, Pennsylvania!


 ETHAN: Fine, you’re ambassador to Rosewood, Pennsylvania.




(Cut to Brian, Darryl, Glenn, William Sorrell and Daniel Tosh in Brian’s living room, watching the returns. Daniel Tosh is draped in a fur coat, mink scarf and fur hat)


BRIAN: I could really do this! This could really happen!


DARRYL: Um, Daniel, it’s been four days, you can go back to Los Angeles.




(Daniel and William hug. Cut to Irville, Amy, Sarah, Jerry and Jackie in Amy’s living room, watching the returns. They are all sitting on tree stumps)


SARAH: This is just fucking ridiculous.


IRVILLE: WHOA! Wash that mouth out with a McCafe!


(Amy puts a McCafe up

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