“I slept with the lights on, blaring, for fear of what I could do with darkness. I lost stability between
Lucky charms and Fellatio. Emergency appointments with psychiatrists do no good when it's been four hours since you stopped crying and, now, you feel nothing”
(We start with Ryan sitting on a regular couch in a psychologist’s office facing a man in a suit who is across from him. The man in the suit is also sitting down and there is a coffee table covered in trinkets between them)
RYAN: So basically, I feel like…no matter how hard I try, I’m so myopic that I just fall back into my old ways. You know? You know?
(The man snaps out of his reverie)
RYAN: Were you really just not listening?
PSYCHOLOGIST: Oh sorry, I was just thinking about sleeping with your mom-I mean, that was a test!
PSYCHOLOGIST: Please continue.
RYAN: Well, anyway, Brennan and I have been friends for eleven years and now we’re dating. But just for once in one of my relationships, I’d like to have the high ground, I’d like to help someone rather than BE helped.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Listen Ryan, you need to take those feelings and ensconce them deep within the confines of your soul and don’t let them get out!
PSYCHOLOGIST: Yes, listen Ryan, I have a five-step process that will act as an abstergent to your current mindset.
(The psychologist goes over to Ryan and sits on the table near him)
PSYCHOLOGIST: Okay, (He holds up his hand to show five fingers) I have a five-step process.
RYAN: Yeah, you mentioned that.
(The psychologist slaps Ryan)
PSYCHOLOGIST: GET OVER IT! That’s my five-step process!
RYAN: That was assault!
PSYCHOLOGIST: Oh, where did you go to law school?!
RYAN: Are you even a licensed psychologist?!
PSYCHOLOGIST: No, I’m actually a patient here.
RYAN: Jesus, get out!
(A real psychologist with balding white hair and a white goatee walks in)
REAL PSYCHOLOGIST: Manny, what did I tell you? Go wait in the waiting room!
PATIENT: Sorry, Doctor McMorris.
(The patient retreats back to the waiting room and Doctor McMorris closes the door)
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Sorry about that. (Doctor McMorris sits down) He’s harmless, he’s just a bit of a tawpie.
RYAN: He hit me.
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Oh Christ, anyway, I’m Doctor McMorris.
(The two shake hands)
RYAN: Nice to meet you, Doctor.
(Their hands separate)
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: What seems to be your problem, Ryan?
RYAN: Well, I’m Ryan Donahue, I’m seventeen years old, eighteen in two months. Um…I’m a bisexual emo kid, as you can probably tell.
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Sorry, an emo kid?
RYAN: Yeah, it’s a subculture where teens wear tight, dark clothing, listen to metal and straighten their hair, usually coupled with drugs and depression issues.
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Oh, okay. I just-I don’t have cable.
RYAN: …Um, it’s not necessarily on-anyway, I’ve had the harrowing experience of going through Xanax, ecstasy and cough syrup habits. Plus, I drink often. I uh, tend to feel this desire to diminish my…perspicuity, because I think dark thoughts when I’m not drunk or high.
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: You don’t think you can do without them.
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: But are you doing WITH them?
RYAN: Well…I’m DOING them. That must be worth something.
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: It’s worth nothing.
RYAN: It’s worth NOTING that these are simply habits, not addictions.
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: When’s the last time you drank?
RYAN: I’m a little drunk right now.
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: When’s the last time you took ecstasy?
RYAN: …Passover. It was after the gafilta fish.
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: You’re Jewish?
RYAN: No, I was just making an excuse.
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Ecstasy isn’t usually consumed by Jews during Passover. When’s the last time you took Xanax?
RYAN: An hour from now?
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: So you’re planning on taking it?
RYAN: I need something to take the edge off the afternoon.
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Why is the afternoon so trying for you?
RYAN: It can’t make up its mind! Is it the morning or is it night?
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: it’s neither.
RYAN: I guess my main problem with the afternoon is what I do with it. I can hang out with my boyfriend or I can dick around on my computer, but sometimes I feel this…vague grief. I don’t know what it is. But it’s pervasive. I mean, today has been weird. I had my AARD meeting today-
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: AARD meeting?
RYAN: Yeah, it’s a meeting for kids in remedial classes where they invite your parents and teachers and school administrators to talk about grades.
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Oh, okay. Sorry, I don’t have cable.
RYAN: Again, there’s not-you don’t have to-alright, anyway, during that AARD meeting I was really pilloried. You wouldn’t imagine.
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: I’m sure I couldn’t.
RYAN: Like, there’s no way you could even try!
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Okay, I get it!
RYAN: Just, let me make it clear-
(Cut to Ryan, Ethan, Kimberly, Counselor Vammberg, Principal Maxell, Mr. Pannell, Ms. Pinnicetti, Mrs. Stem, Mrs. Tucker, Mrs. Vu and Mrs. Brady sitting around a table in a school conference room)
RYAN: Wow, all of my teachers are here.
KIMBERLY: Of course honey, it’s an AARD meeting.
RYAN: I know, but usually only one or two of them can make it because the rest have classes.
MRS. BRADY: We all cancelled our classes to come here and get our hands dirty.
RYAN: Oh Jesus.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Alright, well this is not a witch trial ladies and gentleman, this is simply a guerilla court.
RYAN: That’s comforting.
ETHAN: I guess I’ll start, Mr. Donahue here is-
RYAN: Wow, could you refer to me in a more aloof way?
ETHAN: Mr. Ryan Donahue here is generally a good person, just not a very good student or son. Does that make sense?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Yes.
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: It does, but I think we should address his grades before we get into the nitt-stein gritt-stein of Ryan’s habits. First of all, in English, he is getting a 77.
RYAN: Not bad.
MR. PINNICETTI: But not good enough. He still thinks Jay Gatsby earned his fortune honestly.
RYAN: I’ve read Machiavelli more thoroughly than the Great Gatsby, actually.
MRS. STEM: He has a 95 in KDGM, he’s doing excellently.
KIMBERLY: Good job, Ryan.
ETHAN: Nice work.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Sorry again about that thing a week and a half ago, by the way.
RYAN: Oh that’s okay-
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Would you just get over it?!
RYAN: I was-
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Next up, History. Who’s Ryan’s history teacher?
MR. PANNELL: I am. Ryan is getting a seventy, he’s a good student, he’s a fixture in our classroom. The two of us have a witty, sardonic and often argumentative rapport. For example, let’s bring a topic, any topic.
RYAN: Gun control!
MR. PANNELL: Boom! There’s a gun control bill in the Senate right now expanding backgrounds checks to gun purchases at gun shows and internet sales, it seems reasonable, but, there was a mass stabbing in Houston yesterday. Does that mean we should regulate knives?
RYAN: No, because knives cause substantially fewer deaths a year than guns do.
MR. PANNELL: Ah! You’re being inconsistent in your argument, they’re both weapons that cause harm, why are they different?
RYAN: Because knives-
MR. PANNELL: Ah!
RYAN: I haven’t even said anything yet!
MR. PANNELL: How many law-abiding gun owners commit crimes every year?
RYAN: If they’re law-abiding they don’t-
MR. PANNELL: You’re equivocating!
RYAN: They don’t commit crimes!
MR. PANNELL: I rest my case.
RYAN: No, that’s-
ETHAN: I like this guy!
(Mr. Pannell extends his fist and Ryan reluctantly pounds it)
MR. PANNELL: I love you, Ryan.
MR. PANNELL: But essentially, he contributes to our class pretty substantially, but tests are a major sticking point. He needs to improve his test performance. I suggest the best plan to have him study more often is for you, Mr. and Mrs. Donahue, to sort of, buttress that sort of thing.
KIMBERLY: Oh. Of course. Certainly.
ETHAN: I would, but I have a lingering back injury…in my foot.
MR. PANNELL: Neither of those fake injuries would prevent you from assisting your son, Mr. Mayor.
RYAN: For two more days.
ETHAN: Shut up Ryan, but yes, I agree, I’ll help him.
KIMBERLY: I will also help him as well, too.
(Ethan jauntily slaps his hand on the table, smiling)
(They all stare at him for a few seconds. Cut to Amy sitting in a room with a white wedding dress on. She is looking into the mirror and smiling while creepily tilting her head and dilating her eyes. Then, Irville comes in wearing a leather jacket, a leather tie, leather pants and leather shoes)
(Amy turns around)
AMY: What, Irv?
IRVILLE: Remember? The dress code is-
(Cut to Ethan reading a wedding invitation at the dinner table with Kimberly)
ETHAN: "Come on and all, to the sacred ritual that has stretched from the times of Aladdin, in which two professional lovers seek to initiate a bond of marriage in the vortex of togetherness. Irville and Amy will join feet and sings to high heavens praise of stewardly prayer and joint persecution. And you and your good wife are invited. Bring your own graham crackers. It will take place at the Seneca Falls Library on the thirteenth of Jesus' favorite month, April at 3 am. We will propose a toast to toast, and read from the good book. Father Schrader will read a communion cracker and break the wine glass as we are hoisted upon chairs. The dress code is fancy leather. Gifts are permissible only if proper devotion is specified towards Moses. We will not accept gifts larger than four meters. Channel four will play at the wedding their classic song, "Ping-Pong Song". Save the date, and we guarantee you, you won't be worried." What the fucking fuck does any of this mean?
AMY: I don’t know, but it’s at 3am on a Saturday, we’re not going.
ETHAN: I would not go to Amy Blumenthal’s wedding if my life depended on it. During our Independence Day get-together nine months ago, I swore she asked my lampshade “how a handsome young thing like you found your way to a place like this”.
KIMBERLY: Plus, Irville Satch is a jackass.
(Ryan walks over)
RYAN: We HAVE to go to the Blumenthal-Satch wedding.
ETHAN: Why the hell would we do that, Ryan?
RYAN: Sarah needs to be there for her. She’s been texting me literally fifty times a day about it.
KIMBERLY: Then go by yourself!
RYAN: Ms. Blumenthal wouldn’t like that, she thinks we’ll make out in a closet or something, she wants it to be her day.
ETHAN: So not only do we have to be there, we have to police your actions around Sarah?
RYAN: No, just leave us alone.
KIMBERLY: So we’re there as a diversion?
ETHAN: Should I dance? I always dance when I’m in a jam.
KIMBERLY: Are we actually considering this?
RYAN: You guys have to! If not for Sarah, for me!
ETHAN: The only reason I’m considering this is because of Sarah.
KIMBERLY: It’s at 3am.
RYAN: Just go to bed at seven on Friday.
KIMBERLY: I’m going to call myself a single mom while I’m there if you actually drag me to this.
ETHAN: Michelle’s so going to divorce him.
KIMBERLY: And she’ll tell us it wasn’t our fault, but we’ll know it was.
ETHAN: But we should go to this, I mean, you’ve got to feel for the girl, Irville Satch is about to become her step dad.
KIMBERLY: That’s true, she could use her ex-boyfriend’s presence.
(Cut back to Amy and Irville talking in that room)
IRVILLE: Amy, the dress code is fancy leather, remember?
AMY: Oh, these are my pajamas. I’ve been sleeping in these every night since you proposed. My mom died in these.
AMY: You know the urban legend about the bride that plays hide and seek and then goes missing for ten years, only to be found as a skeleton in a chest in the basement?
AMY: Yeah, that was my mom.
IRVILLE: Dear Lord, how have you not told me that before?
AMY: We haven’t known each other very long, Irv.
IRVILLE: Best three and a half weeks of my life, though.
(Irville kisses Amy and she giggles)
AMY: Thank you.
IRVILLE: Now let’s get you into that leather dress.
(Irville picks a laughing Amy up and puts her on the vanity in front of her)
AMY: Wait! The groom isn’t supposed to see the bride until the wedding!
IRVILLE: It’s okay, I won’t make eye contact.
(Irville begins undoing Amy’s dress. He throws it to the side and starts having vaginal intercourse with her on the vanity)
AMY: OH, IRV!
IRVILLE: JUST, JUST, JUST!
(Cut to Sarah outside that room, wearing a black dress, listening to what is transpiring in that room while standing shocked with wide-eyes. She quickly runs away. Cut to Ethan, Kimberly and Ryan sitting next to each other in folding chairs in the corner of the library usually set aside for author Q&As. Except now, it’s festooned with wedding tinsel. Ethan is wearing a fancy black suit and looks quite tired while Kimberly is wearing a blue dress and Ryan is wearing an enclosed hoodie, skinny jeans and VANS shoes)
ETHAN: My first act as former Mayor, going to a goddamn wedding at a library.
KIMBERLY: Don’t we have to be quiet?
ETHAN: It’s 3am! Nobody’s here, I almost think they broke in to do this.
RYAN: I certainly remember breaking in here, but not for a wedding.
(Sarah runs over and hugs Ryan)
SARAH: Thank you so much for coming!
RYAN: You’re welcome.
SARAH: I miss you.
RYAN: I miss you too.
(Sarah detaches from Ryan)
SARAH: I heard them.
RYAN: Wow, sorry to hear that.
ETHAN: We’ll leave you two to grouse.
(Ethan and Kimberly get up and walk away. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly speaking to an older man in a leather tuxedo near the non-fiction section. He’s holding wine)
OLDER MAN: Hi, I’m Doug Blumenthal, Amy’s father.
ETHAN: Nice to meet you.
(They exchange handshakes)
DOUG: I notice you’re not wearing fancy leather.
(Cut to Ryan and Sarah talking)
SARAH: I don’t understand what they see in each other…actually, I know EXACTLY what they see in each other but I still wish they hadn’t found each other!
RYAN: Sarah, that’s somewhat-
SARAH: What? Selfish? Mister “I almost hit a child with a motorcycle”!
RYAN: Jesus, people always have to use that against me!
SARAH: It’s not just one singular thing, you also tried to extort money from girls at homecoming.
SARAH: And you killed your aunt’s cat when you were young because she didn’t get the present you wanted.
RYAN: Sarah, can we stop focusing on the past?
SARAH: What about our past?
RYAN: We’ve been broken up for almost two months, do you really want to have this conversation?
SARAH: I think I do! Why did you come here if you didn’t want to have this conversation?
RYAN: Because I wanted to support YOU. As a friend. And you’re making it incredibly difficult.
SARAH: …You’re right. I’m sorry, I’m just taking out my anger on you.
RYAN: Yeah. It’s okay, it’s just, I’m with Brennan now.
SARAH: I know.
RYAN: Now come here.
(Sarah hugs Ryan and rests her head on his shoulder. Cut to Ryan, Ross, a dirty blonde kid with a polo and a larger kid at a lab table in Hansbay High. There are vials in front of them and numerous scales and graduated cylinders. They are surrounded by other lab tables with various students at them and the science teacher, Mrs. Tucker, at the head of the classroom)
DIRTY BLONDE KID: Um…I feel like we’re supposed to do something with all these random vials and scales and graduated cylinders.
ROSS: No, I think we’re supposed to pour-
LARGER KID: Nobody cares what you think, Ross.
(Everybody but Ross and Ryan laugh)
ROSS: Suck a dick!
(Everybody but Ross and Ryan laugh harder)
RYAN: Ross, you realize that by responding to their provocations you’re feeding the gratification they elicit from your reactions to their poking fun at you?
LARGER KID: Ryan, you might not want to use big words like “gratification” and “elicit”, I mean, you are talking to Ross.
(They all laugh except Ryan and Ross)
ROSS: Suck a dick!
(Everybody but Ryan and Ross laughs even harder)
RYAN: See? That’s the exact kind of reaction Jared and Bruce want from you!
JARED: Doctor Ryan, Ross’ psychiatrist.
(They all laugh as Ms. Tucker walks over with a glowing smile and she’s holding a beaker of some sort transparent chemical)
MS. TUCKER: We seem to be doing a lot of laughing, but how about some working?
JARED: We’re not exactly sure what to do.
MRS. TUCKER: It’s simple, you pour this colorless, tart-smelling chemical into that other vial and carry into this sink over (Pan to a sink she points to) here, dump it in, and see how it corrodes the piping.
RYAN: Sounds simple enough. Ross, would you like to do the honors?
(Ms. Tucker hands Ross the beaker, he pours some of it into the vial and begins to walk over when very loud scream music starts playing, startling Ross and causing him to drop the vial, causing it to shatter all over, spilling the chemical every which way. Ms. Tucker screams and backs away, as does Ross while Jared and Bruce also scream. Then, Ryan answers his cell phone, which ends the scream music which turns out to be his ringtone)
MS. TUCKER: Ryan!
RYAN: Hold on. (He puts the phone to his chest) I’m on the phone, what’s up?
MS. TUCKER: I know you’re on the phone, I’m telling you to get off the phone, we need someone to clean this up! This is a very hazardous chemical it has PH of like a million!
BRUCE: Wouldn’t that mean it’s extremely base?
MS. TUCKER: Oh, where’d you get your science degree?!
BRUCE: Where’d you get your teaching degree?
(Cut to Ryan on his phone)
RYAN: No, I’m not busy. Do I still work at Hot Topic? I think.
MS. TUCKER: Ryan! Get off the phone, we need to clean this up, it’s spreading!
RYAN: I have to go. (Ryan hangs up) Was the experiment a success?
ROSS: I’ll clean it up! (Ross gets some paper towels and delicately throws it on the mess and the towel lands lightly and soaks up a very small part of it) Okay, we might need a more aggressive plan of action.
JARED: Let’s punch it!
MS. TUCKER: God, I hope I don’t get in trouble for this!
BRUCE: Don’t worry, I’m sure Monsanto made this and you’ll be off the hook.
(Principal Maxell comes in)
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: How’s my favorite-HOLY HELL WHAT IS THAT?!
MS. TUCKER: I’m not sure, sir!
(Principal Maxell looks at the beaker it came from and gasps. He turns the beaker around to reveal it is labeled “Acrylic Acid”. Cut to Principal Maxell in his office with Principal Duron standing behind him, looking tough with his arms crossed and with a stiff countenance. Ryan, Ross, Jared, Bruce and Ms. Tucker are sitting in front of them in the dimly lit room)
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: So…are you guys going to say anything or what?
RYAN: You really need to get better lighting in here.
PRINCIPAL DURON: HEY! Did he tell you to talk?!
RYAN: He asked me if I was going to say anything.
PRINCIPAL DURON: Fair point.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Listen, this accident, as we’ll call it-
BRUCE: Why would we call it anything but an accident?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Come on. One of you could’ve had ulterior motives.
ROSS: Why would we want a chemical to spill and corrode the ground?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Maybe you wanted Ms. Tucker fired for negligence. I mean, she’s a 24-year old easily expendable teacher (as he continues saying these things, she looks sadder and sadder) who we would not have to pay any sort of significant severance to, why wouldn’t we fire her for allowing this to happen? (Ms. Tucker starts crying) Now, now, I didn’t mean to make you upset-(Ryan pats Ms. Tucker’s back) HEY! That counts as an inappropriate student-teacher relationship!
RYAN: I patted her back!
PRINCIPAL DURON: Just a matter of time before she pats you back. See what I did there?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Worry not, Ms. Tucker, you are not getting fired.
(Ms. Tucker lifts her head up, wipes tears from her face and sniffs)
MS. TUCKER: I’m not?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: No. But you are going to be put in a lab safety course along with these four fellows.
MS. TUCKER: Thank you so much, Principal Maxell!
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: You are welcome.
RYAN: Wait, only the five of us are going to be in a lab safety course?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Yes.
JARED: Wouldn’t it make more sense to have everyone in the-
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: In the what?
JARED: I was saying-
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Nothing!
(Cut to Ryan walking into a chiropractor’s office. He walks up to the receptionist)
RECEPTIONIST: Hi, Ryan! How are you?
RYAN: How do you know my name?
RECEPTIONIST: We try to promote a very warm environment here.
RYAN: Oh. Well…that’s…I’m not sure how I feel about that.
RECEPTIONIST: You’ll love it. Where did you hear about us?
RYAN: On the internet. I heard you guys could fix back problems, my sister says I’m misaligned. Plus, I have back pain and things.
RECEPTIONIST: Well, I will lead you into that room over there. (She gets up and leads Ryan into a patient’s room with a back adjustment table and an x-ray holder screen. Ryan sits down on a chair in that room) How are things going with your ex-girlfriend Sarah?
RYAN: …How could you possibly know about that?
RECEPTIONIST: We try to promote a warm environment here.
RYAN: Still, you couldn’t possibly-
RECEPTIONIST: Dr. Heitkamp will be in here in a second.
(She leaves and closes the door. Ryan slumps down in his chair. He looks at a picture of an old man in a picture frame on the counter. The old man is laughing and wearing a yellow shirt. The camera zooms in on the photo of the old man slowly, then zooms in on Ryan’s increasingly anxious-looking face. Then, it zooms more in on the old man and then it shows Ryan breathing into his nose and then breathing out. Then, suddenly Dr. Heitkamp comes in. He is a young man in his late 20s wearing a blue dress shirt, tie and slacks with leather shoes. He has curly brown hair)
DR. HEITKAMP: Ryan, how are you?
(Ryan stands up and shakes Doctor Heitkamp’s hand)
RYAN: Hello, Doctor.
DR. HEITKAMP: So, how are you feeling today?
RYAN: I’m feeling fine, but my neck has been pretty stiff lately. Madeline suggested I see you, she’s a hypnotherapist and a lot of her hypnotherapy friends suggest chiropractors.
DR. HEITKAMP: That’s good, because chiropractors earn just as much respect in the medical community. So, I want you to know that at Chiropractic Care Center of Hansbay, we’re like a family. In that I financially provide for all of my employees and they live here, some people call it a cult, I call it a sense of community.
DR. HEITKAMP: Now, (Dr. Heitkamp puts up an X-RAY of Ryan’s back, which shows a slight curvation of the spine to the right) as you can see here there is a curvation of the spine to the right, which is likely a result of some postural issues and sedentary habits.
RYAN: You see Doctor, I have always held my posture in the highest esteem, I am quite surprised by what you’re showing me.
(Cut to Ryan ridiculously slouched against his bedpost on his laptop. Jacob comes in wearing a t-shirt and gym shorts)
JACOB: Hey Ryan, I’m going to the gym, do you want to come with?
RYAN: Yeah, just give me eight more hours.
JACOB: It’s 5pm.
DR. HEITKAMP: Right, but there are little things you’re probably not noticing that you’re doing wrong. Posture is EXTREMELY important to…posture.
RYAN: That sentence wasn’t doomed from the beginning, but you just massacred it.
DR. HEITKAMP: Maybe so, but what I’d like to do is assuage your concerns, because I know you’re seeing a horror movie right now, thinking your back is never going to be the same, but let’s rewind that movie to the part where I’m that black guy in The Green Mile and I’m healing your body, except it’ll cost a lot more and be a lot slower.
DR. HEITKAMP: Anyway, let’s have you on your back.
(Ryan gets on his back. Dr. Heitkamp takes out a chiropractic adjustment tool and starts applying it in certain areas of the back)
DR. HEITKAMP: So what do you do for fun, Ryan?
RYAN: Well I have a band-
DR. HEITKAMP: Oh, a band.
RYAN: Yes, and we sing a lot about second chances and-
(Dr. Heitkamp finishes his adjustment)
DR. HEITKAMP: You can get up.
(Ryan gets up)
RYAN: We also sing about-
DR. HEITKAMP: Interesting, so, (He opens the door and leads Ryan outside) Bella will take you to the electro-matic machine, okay?
RYAN: ‘Kay. (Dr. Heitkamp walks away and a woman in scrubs walks over) He has a maddening way.
BELLA: He takes an interest.
RYAN: But he doesn’t really care.
(Cut to the library. Ethan, Ryan and Kimberly are sitting in their fold-out chairs and now there many more people surrounding them, including a man in a tuxedo with a mustache beside Ethan)
ETHAN: Really did not expect this turn-out.
MUSTACHED MAN: A lot of us are just night janitors and we happened upon this wedding and stayed for the food.
ETHAN: You came here to clean dressed in a tuxedo?
MUSTACHED MAN: We’re classy janitors!
KIMBERLY: Where’s Sarah?
RYAN: She’s the flower girl.
ETHAN: Who’s the pallbearer?
(Kimberly, Ethan and Ryan laugh. Father Schrader walks up to the front of the crowd)
FATHER SCHRADER: Alright people, we’re trying to get everything together, but we’re still waiting for Rich the piano player and you know, whoever knows with Rich?
RYAN: I know right? Fuck that guy!
ETHAN: Do you even know who he is?
(Some man walks in half-asleep wearing sweats and a t-shirt and holding a Casio piano)
RICH: I’m here.
FATHER SCHRADER: Great! Set up over there and the procession will begin. Where are the bridesmaids?
(Cut to four Hispanic maids in maid uniforms, two of them Cecelia and Mary, The Donahues’ former maids from TDEP56)
CECELIA: I think she had a comical misunderstanding of what the term “bridesmaids” meant.
FATHER SCHRADER: Still works! Where’s the best man?
(Irville walks over in his fancy leather tuxedo)
IRVILLE: The best man is the best man, this man! A best man, a best plan, a best canal, Irville Satch! Does everybody have their graham crackers? (A bunch of people including Ethan hold up sleeves of graham crackers) Good! (They put them back down) You’re going to need those when the flower girl gambols down the aisle. In the Satch family, we always threw graham crackers at the flower girl, even at my parents’ wedding. Speaking of which, are my parents here yet?
(Pan to an usher reading a piece of paper)
USHER: Your parents have informed me that they will not attend and that they instead send their CONDOLENCES.
IRVILLE: …I um…okay! No problem. I am the best man and the groom, so I can be my parents too! I can be Marty McFly. Alright, let’s do this.
FATHER SCHRADER: Okay, let’s begin the extremely arcane ritual you want to commence.
IRVILLE: Oh yes. (Irville is handed a glass of wine and raises it up) To toast!
ETHAN: None of us have drinks.
IRVILLE: Use your graham crackers then! (They hold up their graham crackers) To toast!
THE CROWD: (Languidly) To toast!
(Irville takes a big drink and hands the glass off)
IRVILLE: Now, Father Schrader will read from the good book.
(Father Schrader takes out a copy of the book “Beautiful Disaster” by James McGuire and opens it)
FATHER SCHRADER: “My heart pounded in my chest. With a pink cashmere cardigan and pearl earrings, I felt like a schoolmarm on the beaches of Normandy. I promised America that I could handle whatever we happened upon, but at ground zero-“
IRVILLE: I kinda meant-I mean the bible.
FATHER SCHRADER: Oh, THAT good book?
IRVILLE: You know what, let’s just skip all that. Rich, hit it! (Rich starts playing “Here comes the bride”) FLOWER GIRL, COME OUT HERE!
(Sarah frolics out of the fiction section in her black dress and she throws black daisy pedals and numerous people, excluding the Donahues, throw graham crackers at her, stopping her in her tracks)
SARAH: Ow! What the hell?!
IRVILLE: It’s tradition, sweetheart, sorry.
(Sarah rolls her eyes and sits down in a folding chair. As the song continues to play, Doug escorts Amy, in a leather dress, down the aisle. Amy has a glowing grin, as does Irville. Everyone in the room seems to admire the moment, except for Sarah who looks incredibly bitter. Amy is escorted to the front and is placed in front of Irville)
FATHER SCHRADER: Do you, Irville “What up playas” Satch take this, Amy Rembrandt Blumenthal as your lawfully wedded wife in sickness and health t’ill death do you part?
IRVILLE: I do.
AMY: We’re married!
FATHER SCHRADER: Jumping the gun, sweetheart. Do you, Amy Van Gogh Blumenthal take this, Irville “99 Problems” Satch as your lawfully wedded husband-
AMY: WE’RE MARRIED!
FATHER SCHRADER: Gettin’ there, as your lawfully wedded husband in sickness and health t’ill death do you part?
AMY: I DO!
FATHER SCHRADER: I now pronounce you husbond and wif.
RYAN: Then you’re pronouncing them wrong.
(Amy and Irville kiss passionately as everybody except Sarah stands up and applauds and Rich plays the piano. Then, Sarah walks to the middle of the aisle)
SARAH: I OBJECT!
(Everybody stops applauding and stares at Sarah and Amy and Irville stop kissing and look at Sarah)
FATHER SCHRADER: They’re already married, you can’t object.
AMY: And why WOULD you object?!
SARAH: Because this is an unholy union! YOU’RE NOT MY REAL FATHER! You’re just a stupid union worker with a loud mouth! I DON’T WANT TO BE IN THIS FAMILY ANYMORE! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! I’M NOT GOING TO MILITARY SCHOOL! AGH!
(Sarah storms off)
IRVILLE: Eek. Um, don’t worry people, she’s just flustered. It’s a big day.
AMY: She always has to ruin everything for me!
(Amy starts crying and runs off and is quickly followed by a concerned Irville)
RYAN: …Life is truly sad.
(Cut to Principal Maxell, Ms. Tucker, Ryan, Jared, Ross and Bruce in the science lab. Ms. Tucker is wearing a Hello Kitty backpack and grinning widely while sitting at a lab table with Ryan, Jared, Ross and Bruce and Principal Maxell is at the front of the class)
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Alright, ladies and gentlemen. You’re all here after school for one reason and one reason only. You were reckless. Negligent. Stupid, even. And now you’re suffering the consequences. Having to sit through a lab safety seminar. So I’ll start. Lab safety is extremely important to what we’re doing. There are…tons of things…to do. For instance, never walk barefoot in a science lab.
RYAN: Should you really walk barefoot anywhere in public?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Hey, shut up. This is my time to talk. We have an hour and a half. Now, NEVER ingest any dangerous chemicals.
BRUCE: Can we ingest safe chemicals?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Stumped me there.
RYAN: The answer is there are no safe chemicals.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: If you knew that, why are you in here?!
RYAN: Because you forced us to come here! The only thing that happened was Ross dropped a vial of chemicals because my ringtone went off, it was just an unfortunate accident!
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Well…we have an hour and a half. I can’t let you go until five. I can’t talk for that long.
RYAN: Well, what will we do?
BRUCE: You know what we should do? A Ted talk thing.
JARED: Ted talk?
BRUCE: Yeah, those events where smart people talk about new advancements in culture, technology and anything else they want.
MS. TUCKER: That’s not a bad idea.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Yes it is, nobody here has anything interesting to say.
RYAN: Why do you have a Hello Kitty backpack?
MS. TUCKER: I’m a student again! Just like six years ago. I even have my old (She takes a bedazzled pink 2006 Razr phone) Razr! These were the bee’s knees in my day.
JARED: Did you graduate in 2007 or 1957?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Let’s do a team-building exercise. Let’s imagine there’s chemical fumes being released in this room, who do you leave behind when escaping?
JARED: That’s a team dismantling exercise.
ROSS: Here’s a moral question, if there was a car accident that was your fault and you could choose who died in the car accident that was your fault, would you choose yourself or the victim?
RYAN: Easy, the victim.
JARED: Isn’t that kind of selfish?
RYAN: I don’t want to die.
ROSS: But do you want to live knowing you are inadvertently responsible for someone’s death?
RYAN: …Fuck, that’s tough.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I’ll be right back.
(Principal Maxell walks out the door)
RYAN: We could totally drink while he’s gone!
MS. TUCKER: I’m still here.
RYAN: I thought you were a student here now.
MS. TUCKER: Still though.
JARED: Plus, I’m a Mormon, I can’t drink.
RYAN: Yeah, you can only have multiple wives and wake up with sweaty legs in the summer time.
JARED: Only one of those things is true!
RYAN: Anyway, that leaves us with three people, and I’m not sure if I have enough (Ryan takes out a bottle of Bailey’s) Bailey’s for three people, although I’m pretty sure Ross only counts as three-fifths of a person.
(Principal Maxell comes in with some beakers full of chemicals as Ryan quickly slips the Bailey’s back into his bag)
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Hot chemicals comin’ through! (He sets them down on their lab table) You five are going to make a safe, stable supersaturated chemical reaction and bond in the process.
BRUCE: If it’s supersaturated it’s not stable.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: But your guys’ bond will be stable.
RYAN: Isn’t the whole point of this to teach us lab safety?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: And friendship! Now have at it.
MS. TUCKER: Wait a minute, was Acrylic Acid even supposed to be in this science lab?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Um…let me check the list of school-approved chemicals. (Principal Maxell holds up a list and looks at it. The list says “Chlorine, Lemon juice, Milk of Magnesium or whateva da fuck it’s called, fire and Nesquik”. He then puts down the list after looking through it thoroughly) As a matter of fact, it wasn’t.
RYAN: Then why was it in here?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: That’s a good question. Let’s go down to the office and check the security tapes.
JARED: Ooh, this is like Mystery Dinner Theatre!
RYAN: Not really.
(Cut to the six of them in the security room looking at a computer, watching security camera footage of that room fast-backwards. Normal things are happening, the room is filling up and clearing out, vast stretches of time with no activity indicate a weekend)
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: God, I hope we come up with something.
MS. TUCKER: Me too, acrylic acid doesn’t belong in a classroom full of darn kids! I mean-
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Hold on, shut up!
(Maxell stops the tape to see a dark science lab on Saturday April 6, 2013)
RYAN: It’s a dark science lab, what’s the big deal? (Suddenly, Ryan and Brennan roll out of some bottom cabinets laughing, causing everyone to gasp and look at him as Maxell pauses the video) That’s not me! Zoom in on the guy! (Principal Maxell zooms in on Brennan) No, zoom in on me.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: But you said-
RYAN: Zoom in on the OTHER guy! (He zooms in on Ryan’s face to show Ryan is wearing stitches on his head) See? The guy has stitches! Clearly not me!
ROSS: That is the night that woman hit you in the face with her purse though, so…
RYAN: What the fuck, Ross?
ROSS: Dude, it’s clearly you anyway!
RYAN: Whatever, maybe I broke in, but I didn’t bring any acrylic acid with me!
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I’m going to keep playing it. (He plays it further and it shows Ryan and Brennan getting up, laughing and making out) Ew.
(Then, it shows Ryan taking his back pack out of the cabinet and taking a big jar of some colorless liquid out and Maxell pauses)
RYAN: Oh Christ.
MS. TUCKER: Zoom in and enhance!
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: What do you think this is, Criminal Minds? But okay. (He zooms in on the jar and it says “Acrylic Acid y’all”) Well, well, well.
(They all look at him)
RYAN: Ugh…I was pretty high so I didn’t remember this until now, but yeah, this guy sold us some acrylic acid, it’s used in floor polishes and paints and he said he’d pay us if we could make it into a sellable street drug, so we brought it here so we could cook something, but then we realized we couldn’t make anything that didn’t cause abdominal pain, throat swelling, burning sensations and damage to the gastrointestinal lining, so we just rolled and I blew Brennan in that cabinet.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Ryan, your actions are TOTALLY unacceptable! I am hereby sentencing you to a WEEK of after-school detention!
RYAN: Wow, really?
MS. TUCKER: Mr. Maxell, with all due respect, Ryan and his boyfriend broke into the school, tried to manufacture drugs, got high on molly and then committed lewd sexual acts in our cabinets!
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I know! And that’s worth at least two hours of after-school detention a day for five days!
MS. TUCKER: That’s worth prison time.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: STARI DECISIS!
(Cut to Ryan talking to his therapist)
RYAN: This is so much better than group therapy. I don’t have to let anyone else talk OR listen. Everything in here is confidential, right?
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Unless you threaten to hurt somebody.
RYAN: Well, I’ll try not to…let’s hope I never run against Mitch McConnell, otherwise he’ll use this against me.
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: I’m surprised they didn’t plan on using FlyPaper against her.
RYAN: I know. How do you use depression against somebody in a campaign? “Ashley Judd is too busy knocking back Zoloft and Bourbon to work for you in the Senate!” Hell, in Kentucky she certainly wouldn’t be alone. She’d probably win in a landslide, who the hell’s happy in Frankfurt?
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Who’s happy in Vermont?
RYAN: That’s an even better question. Brennan’s been telling me I’m too impulsive and he’s probably right. But my life doesn’t have room for boredom. Otherwise it comes back. It always comes back. And the more I push it away, the bigger it gets. It’s like that cube bouncing around on those old computer screen savers, the closer it gets it becomes more like a sharp cube and the further away it gets it becomes a spikey sphere. But no matter what shape it becomes, you’re always just watching it, knowing it will eventually come back and do the same thing over. Nothing ever changes, I guess.
DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Why do you feel that way?
RYAN: Because nothing ever does! I can’t change, my exes can’t change and they can’t change me! I get myself into these situations and my actions seem selfish, even to my friends! It’s because they are, because I selfishly pursue that feeling. I feel, just worsening guilt. But at the wedding I told you about, when Sarah needed me. That…that felt better than any drugs anyone’s ever produced. Being there for somebody. Even, leveling with somebody. (Cut to Sarah in the “COOL WOW TEEN ZONE BOOKS ZONE TEEN” section of the library, a colorful area with shelves of books and old computers and red chairs. Sarah is sitting in a red chair, crying. Ryan comes in with his hands in his pockets) Sarah?
(Sarah throws a pillow at Ryan)
SARAH: GET OUT OF MY ROOM!
RYAN: Sarah, this is a public library.
SARAH: Why does she have to marry him?
(Ryan goes over and sits down next to Sarah)
RYAN: Because she loves him.
SARAH: You call that love?!
RYAN: Sarah…I call it what they call it. I can’t understand what they feel for each other any better than you can, but…THEY feel it. And it’s their decision. And I understand your timidity, but…your mom’s really upset about you interrupting her happy day.
SARAH: She’s interrupting my happy LIFE.
RYAN: Sarah, do you really think your mom has had that happy of a life since your dad left her?
SARAH: …Probably not.
RYAN: Yeah. M. Shadows knows I’ve done a lot of selfish things in my life, but…you don’t want to be like me. Now what’s say we go watch them confuse Christianity and Judaism?
(Sarah chuckles and sniffs. She wipes tears from her face)
(Ryan offers his hand and Sarah takes it. Ryan leads Sarah out of the teen section. Cut to Amy, Irville, Father Schrader, Ryan, Ethan, Sarah, Kimberly and the rest back at the wedding site. Sarah is smiling. Amy and Irville are standing near a wine glass on the ground)
IRVILLE: Okay, remember we will not accept gifts larger than four meters!
ETHAN: That’s eight feet, I don’t think it’s going to be a problem.
DOUG: I got you guys a car, I guess I’ll just bring it back.
AMY: Please and thank youuuu!
IRVILLE: I will now break the glass!
(Irville steps on Father Schrader’s foot)
FATHER SCHRADER: AGGH! SON OF A BITCH!
IRVILLE: Sorry about that!
FATHER SCHRADER: HOW DO YOU MISS THE GLASS?!
AMY: It’s transparent! It might as well not be there!
IRVILLE: Hoist us up on the chairs!
(Two men come over with chairs and set them down. Irville and Amy sit on them)
MAN: We’re going to need more than two guys.
ETHAN: I’ll do the honors.
JANITOR: Me as well.
(Ethan and the Janitor walk over. Ethan and the man lift up Amy on the chair and janitor and the other man lift up Irville)
(Everybody starts clapping as Amy and Irville enjoy their time in the air. Ryan and Sarah look at each other, both smiling. As they look at each other, “Polly” by Nirvana begins playing. Cut to Ryan sitting in the detention on Monday, April 15th. He is doodling a picture of a man on fire walking calmly down a locker-strewn hallway. Then, Brennan walks by the room he’s in and notices Ryan’s in there. He goes to the window of the door and knocks on it. Ryan looks up to see Brennan and he smiles and waves. Brennan waves back, then takes a pencil and licks it sensuously, making Ryan simper. Brennan smiles and waves goodbye, as does Ryan. Cut to Ryan hooked up to a machine at the chiropractic office. He begins squirming. Dr. Heitkamp walks by and Ryan touches his arm. Dr. Heitkamp turns around)
RYAN: It’s uncomfortable, could you turn it down a bit?
DR. HEITKAMP: Sure, sure.
(Dr. Heitkamp turns down the knob on the machine. Cut to Ryan putting the jar of acrylic acid in the top shelf of his closet and pushing it back. He comes down, turns off the light and closes the door to see Brennan there. They hold hands and walk out of the room while looking rather remorseful. Cut to Ryan and Sarah in Sarah’s room. They’re sitting on the bed together, looking amorously into each other’s eyes. Suddenly, Ryan begins making out with Sarah and she readily acquiesces. Ryan runs his fingers up her leg and lifts up her dress to reveal cutting scars. Ryan unzips her dress and she takes it off, revealing her underwear and bra. Ryan stops kissing her for a second to take off his shirt. He also takes off his bracelets, revealing his cutting scars. They continue making out and inch up onto the bed. Cut to Ryan talking to his psychologist)
RYAN: Everything we feel, it seems like…is any of it real? And what will it feel like when it’s all over?
(Cut to Irville and Amy sitting in bed together. Irville’s leather bowtie is undone and Amy’s still in her leather dress. Amy has her head on Irville’s shoulder and they’re both smiling. Cut to Ryan and Sarah having vaginal sex in her bedroom. As they have sex, the camera pans out to show Ryan’s skinny jeans, t-shirt and bracelets on the ground right next to Sarah’s dress. Cut to Brennan sitting in his room. He checks his text conversation with Ryan. Brennan sent Ryan the text “Hey Ryan how was the wedding?” at 10am to no response. Brennan looks at the time on the phone, which is 5pm. He turns his phone off and just lays down on his bed. Cut to Ryan and Sarah lying in bed after finishing. They’re both smiling)
SARAH: Why couldn’t we have had this earlier?
RYAN: …I don’t know.
(As the song ends, cut to Ryan, Ethan, Kimberly, Principal Maxell, Counselor Vammberg and all of Ryan’s teachers in the AARD meeting)
MS. TUCKER: Ryan’s a great kid, don’t get me wrong, but he has to try a lot harder if he wants to pass Chemistry this year.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, Ryan, I keep telling him to stay after with Ms. Tucker to get help!
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Well, technically, Ryan doesn’t have to pass Chemistry to graduate.
MS. TUCKER: Excuse me?
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Yeah, he took integrated physics and chemistry last year so as long he takes Environmental System next year and should he pass all his other classes, he should graduate in 2014.
RYAN: Wow, I did not know that.
ETHAN: BUT Ryan, you should still try to pass Chemistry.
RYAN: Oh, I will.
(Cut to black)
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Script / Humor
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
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