The Donahues Episode 87

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Jacob meets a runaway at Toys R Us, Kimberly begins running and invites Ethan along with her and Ryan deals with Mr. Pannell’s bias while still yearning for his admiration

Submitted: April 18, 2013

A A A | A A A

Submitted: April 18, 2013









“Stress, Stress, what are you, Stress? Are you a god? Are you a goddess with symbols and familiars? Are you a cloud? A jellyfish? Like God, you are known by your works, I guess. Like God you get so much bad press”

  • Robert Dickerson


(We start with Ethan sitting at his dinner table on his laptop with tax forms surrounding him. He is typing. Kimberly comes in on her cell phone)


KIMBERLY: Okay. I’m glad you’re okay. Love you too. Bye.


(Kimberly hangs up and sits down)


ETHAN: Your relatives in Boston are okay?


KIMBERLY: Yeah, they’re fine. But they felt and heard the blast. How could something like this happen?


(Ethan puts his hand on Kimberly’s)


ETHAN: The world’s an insane place, Kimmy. Whatever motive this psychopath bomber has is almost entirely irrelevant. Who knows what a troubled mind could get hung up on?


KIMBERLY: But that’s the shitty thing, one side is going to try to absolve their side of blame or implicate another side, it’s a depraved politicization that is almost inevitable in our media culture. “Oh, was it a TEA Partier? An Occupier? Or people who just don’t like runners?” it’s an unfortunately predictable process.


ETHAN: Yeah, and President Obama was on TV a few minutes ago and he didn’t call it a terrorist attack.


KIMBERLY: The FBI called it a terrorist attack, why does it matter what the President says?


ETHAN: I guess the President could’ve just called it a “kerfuffle” and liberals would’ve been satisfied.


KIMBERLY: Give me a break. Are you getting our taxes done?


ETHAN: Yeah. Isn’t it weird that you’re the tax-happy liberal but you prefer that I do our taxes?


KIMBERLY: I don’t like math! I was able to avoid one of the two guarantees of life.


ETHAN: (Chuckles) I’m trying to get as many deductions as possible. I’m claiming Madeline, Jacob, Ryan, Chinaberry, you and my Farmville sheep as dependents.


KIMBERLY: You can’t claim your wife as a dependent and who the hell is Chinaberry?


ETHAN: Our dog.


KIMBERLY: Oh yeah…


(Jacob walks in with Chinaberry on a leash. Jacob is wearing his Toys R Us outfit)


JACOB: You guys don’t give a hoot about Chinaberry, but we’re best buds!


KIMBERLY: We don’t give a hoot?


ETHAN: Alright, Weezer.


JACOB: Anyway, I’m going to work. Someone feed, bathe and clothe Chinaberry, please.


(Jacob unleashes Chinaberry, who jumps into Ethan’s lap)


ETHAN: Ooh! (Chinaberry grabs an IRS form and runs off) Son of a bitch! (Ethan chases after Chinaberry, but Chinaberry swallows the paper. Kimberly gets grabs a hold of his collar and Ethan opens his mouth with his hands and sees nothing) Goddamnit! Does this count as a tax loophole?


KIMBERLY: I don’t think a dog’s stomach acids counts as deductible income.


(Ethan closes Chinaberry’s mouth and Kimberly lets him go into the other room. Ethan stands up. Rubs his temple and sits down at his laptop as Kimberly goes over and sits down next to him. Then, their home phone rings)


ETHAN: What the hell is that?


KIMBERLY: I think…I think it’s our home phone.


ETHAN: We still have one of those?


KIMBERLY: Apparently.


(Ethan gets up and moves a box of Cheerios out of the way on the counter to reveal a toaster. He moves the toaster to reveal nothing. But then the toaster pops up a home phone and Ethan answers it)


ETHAN: Hello? Oh hi, Internal Revenue Service commissioner Steven T. Miller. To what do I owe the pleasure? Oh. My balance sheets from 2011 don’t add up? But I turned those in a year ago! You’re AUDITING me?! (Kimberly walks over with a shocked countenance) Why did it take this long? You could’ve refrained from telling me for THREE years? I should be thankful you told me NOW? No-no, sir I will continue to repeat what you’re saying and add emphasis to the last word! I mean, the last WORD?! Ugh! Why did the commissioner of the IRS call me personally, don’t you have people who do this for you? Oh, you’re friends with Mary Morrissey, huh? Well, that’s just bully for you. Bye. (He hangs up by stuffing the home phone ion the toaster) GODDAMNIT!


KIMBERLY: You’re being AUDITED?!


ETHAN: Apparently I may have taken too many deductions for my income level.


KIMBERLY: How much do you make again?


ETHAN: 120,000 dollars a year usually, but I didn’t have my chief of staff job for the last three months of last year, so I made 80,000 dollars until September, after which I made 3,300 a month as a lighthouse operator, which I guess comes out to about 93,000 dollars last year, which means I have a 25% effective tax rate, which means they’re pilfering 23,250 dollars from me this year.


KIMBERLY: It’s taxation, it’s in the constitution, it’s not stealing.


ETHAN: Why should I have to pay for gay abortion clinics or abortion marijuana dispensaries for endangered pandas or so I’m assuming my tax money pays for? Abortion?


KIMBERLY: What about your 2011 balance sheets, what’s awry about them?


ETHAN: The deductions! But I made 120,000 dollars in 2011 and I filed jointly that tax return on April 15, 2012, just a week or two after Ryan’s Iraq fiasco. Apparently two weeks after meeting President Obama he still expected me to line his pockets.


KIMBERLY: President Obama’s the reason our son’s alive.


ETHAN: I know. But now he’s auditing me!


KIMBERLY: Ethan, I know you’re stressed out. But I’ve recently found a way to deal with stress.


ETHAN: We’re not going to California again.


KIMBERLY: No, just hear me out. When we were in California Megan Fox told me to run to deal with my stress. I procrastinated for about a month, but I found this running club the other day, and it felt really good!


ETHAN: A running club?


KIMBERLY: Yeah, they’re the Hansbay Runners and Walkers. They run on the trails every morning, it’s quite relaxing.


ETHAN: Yes, it’s relaxing to get up at 4am and run in forty-degree temperatures while it’s raining.


KIMBERLY: Don’t worry about that, you get less wet if you run in the rain.


ETHAN: No, I think you get wetter.


KIMBERLY: No, because you’re running away from the rain, it can’t catch you-


ETHAN: It’s everywhere!


KIMBERLY: Just-okay, could you please run with me tomorrow morning? It’ll ease your stress, I promise.


(Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: Yeah, I guess.


KIMBERLY: Thank you.


(Kimberly kisses Ethan on the mouth. Then, they both sit down at the table)


ETHAN: Now, I’ve got to make sure I don’t get a call from that ASSHOLE commissioner Stevens again in 2014.


KIMBERLY: Okay. I’ll hire an accountant to manage the audit.


ETHAN: Okay, but follow my two requirements for a good accountant, I want him to be the best of the best according to at least two random guys, preferably a pizza chef and a mechanic. Also, make sure he doesn’t have a coke habit. Unless he works better on coke in which case see to it that he has what he needs.




(Cut to Jacob and Delaware behind the counter at the video game section of the Toys R Us)


DELAWARE: You know, I read the manifesto of the Boston Bomber, and I don’t approve of what he did, but I had to say he made some good points.


JACOB: They don’t even know who did it yet.


DELAWARE: Shit, really? Sorry, I just uh…I like to make people angry.


(Jacob takes out his phone)


JACOB: You’re just like that try hard shock value comedian Anthony Jeselnik who tweeted that awful, offensive joke about the Boston Bombing a few minutes ago.


DELAWARE: You think that tweet was offensive? Look at what I just posted on 4Chan.


(Delaware takes out his phone and shows Jacob a picture of a penis labeled “Sandy Hook” photo shopped in between the twin towers while a plane heads towards them. The caption reads “Fifteen people died in a car bombing today in the Middle East and that means the Boston Bombing’s not a big deal. #JamesHolmesAin’tdidneverdidnothintonobody”)


JACOB: …I think I just lost all of my faith in humanity.


(Mr. Silver rides over on a Barbie mobile and honks)


MR. SILVER: Hey emo kids, there’s some noise in the back room I want one of you to investigate. Pronto!


JACOB: Was that emo kids, plural?


MR. SILVER: Sorry, A-pot and cut-stello.


(He chuckles)


DELAWARE: Such a stretch.


MR. SILVER: Could one of you just check it out? I will not have vagrants or raccoons or both in my back room!


DELAWARE: You want to take this one?


JACOB: Fine, I’ll do it. (Jacob walks to the back door. He opens it to reveal Toys R Us’ back room. It is filled with boxes. Jacob takes a giant plastic Crayola marker and gets into a combat position. He slowly creeps along and looks behind one box. There is nothing there but a tricycle) Chilling. (He creeps along further and discovers another box and he knocks it over to see a bike with a bow on it) So many ruined Christmases. (He then creeps further and sees a box rattle) Come out, you son of a bitch. (He kicks the box to the side to reveal a cowering teenage girl with mascara running down her face. She has blonde hair and is wearing a partially torn purple dress) Oh my God, who are you?


GIRL: Me! (Sobs) Why do you care?!


JACOB: Because you’re squatting in this Toys R Us storage room?


GIRL: I’m just…I’m sorry, I needed a place to stay.


JACOB: Why couldn’t you stay at your house?


GIRL: Oh, what a novel idea! Thanks for that!


JACOB: Sorry, just, why did you stay here?


GIRL: It’s a completely innocuous reason. I’m a runaway.


JACOB: Okay, so that isn’t innocuous. Why did you run away?


GIRL: My family is in a putrid state of affairs. My mom’s also in a state of affair and my dad is supposed to be running a fair for the State Department, but that State Fair is in a putrid state of affairs.


JACOB: Wow, that’s…strange. Is that the only reason? Your mom’s cheating on your dad?


GIRL: Well, all my options have been desiccated. My mom verbally and physically abuses me and my dad’s fair, like I said, is-


JACOB: In a putrid state of affairs, I get it. How long have you been on the run?


GIRL: Just since yesterday,


JACOB: Okay, what’s your name?


GIRL: Jordan.


JACOB: Jordan. Tell you what, I’ll take you home, free of charge.


JORDAN: You would’ve charged me?


JACOB: Free of charge. (Jordan breaks down into tears) No, don’t do that.


JORDAN: No one trusts me to be able to make my OWN decisions!


JACOB: Please, just…come here. (Jordan leaps into Jacob’s arms and cries into his chest) Shh…it’s okay. You don’t have to go back. In fact, you don’t have to ever go back.


(Jordan looks at Jacob)


JORDAN: Really?


JACOB: Yeah. You can come to my house, free of charge.


JORDAN: How often do you charge people for things?


JACOB: Just come with me.


JORDAN: Don’t you have work?


JACOB: I can fake sick in an instant. (Cut to Jacob talking to Mr. Silver, who is standing this time, in his office. Jacob is doing a Rodney Dangerfield impression and tugging his collar numerous times) I don’t get no respect! No respect at all! (Cut to Jacob driving his car with Jordan in the front seat) I guess I accidentally faked shtick. It apparently worked though, he sent me home.




(Cut to Jacob and Jordan walking into Jacob’s room)


JACOB: So this is my room.


JORDAN: I like it.


(Jacob turns around)


JACOB: I don’t.


(Jordan smiles)


JORDAN: So what, am I going to hide up in the attic? Am I going to be your own personal Anne Frank?


JACOB: Except not a belieber, hopefully.


(Jordan giggles)


JORDAN: I heard about that. He’s so self-obsessed. I mean, if she’s playing Justin Bieber music, then the SS can hear her up there, she would’ve been fucked as a belieber.


(Jacob laughs)


JACOB: (German accent) “Go after the ‘baby, baby ohh!’  (Jordan laughs and Jacob drops the accent)  So, do you want anything to drink?


JORDAN: Um, water would be great. I’m kind of dehydrated.


JACOB: Alright, I’ll get it in a second.


JORDAN: Now would be awesome.


(Jacob smiles)


JACOB: Alright.


(Jacob goes into his bathroom to fill up a glass full of sink water while Jordan sits down on his bed. Jacob comes out with the water and hands it to her, which she quickly starts drinking. Jacob then sits next to her)


JORDAN: So what is there to do in this town?


JACOB: This town? Where are you from?


JORDAN: I’m from Fairfax.


JACOB: Virginia?


(Jordan giggles)


JORDAN: No, Vermont.


JACOB: Still, that’s like half an hour away.


JORDAN: Forty minutes.


JACOB: How’d you get here if you ran away yesterday? I mean, you don’t have a car.


JORDAN: Yeah, I’m sixteen, but I don’t have my license.


JACOB: Well, I didn’t have a car from mid-March until two days ago. I left it in the Adirondacks.


(Jordan shock laughs)




JACOB: Spring Break.




(Jacob smiles)


JACOB: Yeah. So my dad finally bought me another one.


JORDAN: My dad would never do that.


JACOB: Yeah, well, it’s the third car I’ve had in the last year.


JORDAN: What’d you do to the first one?


JACOB: My fucking brother played chicken with it at the White Ledge in Addison eleven months ago.


JORDAN: Wow, what an asshole.


JACOB: He IS an asshole. But enough about me, tell me about your troubles.


JORDAN: Well…wow, where do I start, uh…why don’t we discuss it over coffee?


JACOB: Really?


JORDAN: Yeah, I’d rather discuss it in a more public setting.


(Jacob looks confused. Cut to Ryan, Zach and Blake in Mr. Pannell’s history class. Mr. Pannell is at the front of the room. On the promethean board is a political cartoon of President Dwight Eisenhower sitting at a table with Garfield while a waiter holds a steak labeled “civil rights” on a tray. There is a thought bubble above Eisenhower’s head that says “Heh, I'll have the salad!” and a thought bubble over Garfield’s head that says “I hate Mondays”)


MR. PANNELL: So, this political cartoon is the artistic depiction, the pictorial depiction, the satirical depiction-


RYAN: Okay!


MR. PANNELL: Of President Eisenhower’s reluctance and lack of action regarding civil rights. Any thoughts or comments? (Ryan raises his hand) Yes, Ryan?


RYAN: First of all, that comic is ahistorical not only because Garfield didn’t start until seventeen years after Eisenhower left office, but also because President Eisenhower did send federal troops to Little Rock, Arkansas to enforce desegregation of schools. So I would say although he wasn’t a crusader for civil rights, he also did his part.


MR. PANNELL: That is an excellent point Ryan. (Mr. Pannell walks over to Ryan and extends his fist, which Ryan then pounds. Mr. Pannell walks back to the front of the class) Now, another advancement of the 1950s was the polio vaccine, which was invented in 1955.


RYAN: One thing I thought was interesting, the Eisenhower administration called a proposed plan to provide free distribution of the polio vaccine as “socialized medicine” through the back door. My question is…what?


MR. PANNELL: Of course, this was all at the behest of the American Medical Association and Eisenhower used the fear of socialism in order to gain opposition to that seemingly innocuous plan. Of course, that was taking it too far, providing polio vaccines to children isn’t socialism, but Medicare and Medicaid, which was instituted ten years later, were.


RYAN: Medicare and Medicaid make sure old people and poor people don’t suffer under the weight of high medical bills as much, which I would think is a good thing.


MR. PANNELL: I know you do, but what you believe is spurious and unfounded. You are drinking the KOOL-AID of what others tell you.


RYAN: No, don’t accuse me of drinking the KOOL-AID-


MR. PANNELL: Are Medicare and Medicaid going to survive in the long run?


RYAN: Hopefully, and with reforms they can-


MR. PANNELL: No, with reforms, they will make it worse, suddenly it will cover cardboard cut-outs of people or something, they’ll screw it up!


RYAN: No, we can get rid of fraud and figure out ways to ensure longevity, that’s such a defeatist attitude to say-


MR. PANNELL: It’s a realist attitude. Everyone in this country thinks they’re entitled to something, but you know what they’re actually entitled to? The abject poverty and starvation of the Southern Sahara and a side of pestilence. Can I have a large malaria epidemic with that? Sure, would you like sweet and sour sauce? Yeah, I’ll have that too, honey what do you want?


RYAN: Stop it, listen, just because they’re in a bad situation, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to improve our situation.


MR. PANNELL: In the hands of government, nothing will be improved. We’ll just continue to desiccate morality and call it “progress.”


RYAN: Are you talking about gay marriage now?


MR. PANNELL: I’m talking about all of it, Hitler committed the largest scale mass genocide in history. You know why?


RYAN: …He hated Jews?


MR. PANNELL: Moral relativism.


RYAN: The idea that morality is relative to one’s opinion of right and wrong?


MR. PANNELL: Precisely.


RYAN: Hitler was a bad man who did bad things.


MR. PANNELL: How were they bad?


RYAN: He killed twelve million people.


MR. PANNELL: But in his opinion it was right, so according to moral relativism Hitler’s action were neither good nor bad.


RYAN: And I assume you think the absolute truth is-


(Cut to Mr. Pannell holding up a copy of “Beautiful Disaster” by Jamie McGuire)


MR. PANNELL: Beautiful disaster by Jamie McGuire.


RYAN: Did not expect that.


(Mr. Pannell puts down that book)


MR. PANNELL: But mostly the Holy Bible. Which I’m not allowed to bring into this school because the breath of a moral relativist Vermont high school student would evaporate it.




MR. PANNELL: But moral relativism will eventually lead to euthanization of old people, anyway-


RYAN: You can’t just pretend like you didn’t say that, do you really think that?


MR. PANNELL: It will happen because of the silence of those who have no voice.


RYAN: What do you mean by-?


MR. PANNELL: Shh. We’re done. Moving on, Joseph McCarthy died a lonely alcoholic at age 48-(Zach raises his hand) yes, Zach?


ZACH: When studying for the test do we have to read the entire chapter-


MR. PANNELL: Who’s we? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?


ZACH: I actually do.


(Zach removes a mouse from his pocket and it scurries onto the table, sending the whole room into a panic. Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Michael, Sarah and Michelle sitting at their table at lunch. Ryan and Brennan have no lunch and Sarah is eating Skittles. Michael and Michelle are eating regular food)


RYAN: I don’t see how Mr. Pannell is allowed to say all those things in class, he’s being completely biased!


BRENNAN: Just report him.


RYAN: But he’s so nice though!


MICHAEL: Then don’t! Do one of those, just don’t keep complaining to us about it.


RYAN: I’m sorry, did I offend you?


MICHAEL: No, I’m just upset. No senior has asked me to prom yet, and if no one does in the next couple days, I’m scroogled.


SARAH: Are you really using the Bing ad campaign thing?


RYAN: Why does it matter that you go to senior prom? You’re a junior, you’ll go next year.


MICHAEL: I like to lick the spoon.


RYAN: What?


MICHAEL: You know, really get the excess poon left on the ladle. But I need a senior date to do that.


RYAN: I’ll dress up like a senior and go with you, just give me a letter jacket from the 50s and a false sense of superiority.


(They all laugh)


MICHAEL: I’ll take it.


BRENNAN: Sorry Michael, I took it.


(Some of them chuckle as Ryan and Sarah give each other furtive, knowing glances)


RYAN: But yeah, I need…I need to go to the bathroom.


(Ryan gets up and walks out of the cafeteria. Cut to Ryan walking into the bathroom. As the door closes, he takes a Xanax pill out of his pocket. Cut to Mr. Pannell walking to the teacher’s bathroom with a mustached maintenance worker with a nametag reading “I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy”)


MAINTENANCE WORKER: Sorry, hoss. The shitter’s broken.


MR. PANNELL: I’ll ignore your coarse language and the fact that your name is a song lyric and ask you where I am supposed to go to the bathroom?


MAINTENANCE WORKER: Principal Duron says to use the student bathrooms.


MR. PANNELL: Alright. (Mr. Pannell walks over to the student bathroom and opens it and sees Ryan standing there with a Xanax in his hand. Ryan quickly puts the Xanax behind his back) What was that, Ryan?




MR. PANNELL: Not an answer, Ryan, I will not ask again.


RYAN: It was a…bible?


MR. PANNELL: Ryan, was that drugs? (Mr. Pannell walks over and grabs Ryan’s hand and commanders the pill from him and examines it closely) This is Xanax.


(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly at the trails from TDEP80 in running gear. Kimberly is fully decked out in running gear while Ethan is wearing a t-shirt and some athletic shorts. They are near a small cabin labeled “Hansbay Runners and Walkers Club, Jamboree and Drink Palladium-Ladies drink free on SNOOZEdays”. There are numerous runners socializing with each other near and inside the cabin)


ETHAN: How exactly is this supposed to distract me from the fact I’m being audited by the IRS?


KIMBERLY: Check it out, I know the nicknames of everybody here. (Kimberly points to an older runner) That guy is UltraGuy. He runs ultra-marathons. That guy (she points to a black runner) is Mr. Fit. He’s very fitness-inclined.


ETHAN: Yeah, I gathered that.


KIMBERLY: That guy (Points to a runner with numerous rashes) is Ivy Leaguer. He always seems to come into contact with poison ivy, we’re beginning to think tha the thinks it’s good luck. He has some on a necklace.


ETHAN: And he’s talking to people?


KIMBERLY: That woman (points to a woman) is Bucket Girl. She eats an entire bucket of celery before her run.




KIMBERLY: That guy (Points to an older black runner) is the Colonel. We’re fairly certain he did horrible, horrible things in Vietnam.


ETHAN: I see.


KIMBERLY: That woman (Points to a young woman) is cum whore.


ETHAN: Okay, that’s enough nicknames. Do you know any of these people’s names?


KIMBERLY: No, we go by nicknames exclusively here.


ETHAN: That’s, um, really weird. Do you really call that woman cum whore?


KIMBERLY: Let’s go talk to cum whore.


ETHAN: Why would we-


(Kimberly leads Ethan over to “cum whore” and the people she’s talking to, which includes Ultra Guy and The Colonel)


KIMBERLY: Hi, Kristi.


ETHAN: You don’t have a nickname for her?


KIMBERLY: Her nickname is Kristi, her real name is Rosa.


KRISTI: But call me Kristi, please.


ETHAN: ‘Kay.


KIMBERLY: So, this is my husband, Ethan. I’m bringing him out to run today.


KRISTI: Ooh, newbie.




KRISTI: How long has it been since you’ve run on those chicken wire legs, huh?


(They all laugh except Ethan)


ETHAN: My legs are a reasonable width I think.


KRISTI: So, where are you two going to start running?


ETHAN: Um, I may walk before I run.


THE COLONEL: Or you could crawl.


(They all laugh except for Ethan)


ETHAN: Yeah.


KRISTI: Kim, you should come next week for the beer run.


ETHAN:  Beer run?


KIMBERLY: It’s where we drink beer and run, drink beer and run, drink beer and-


ETHAN: Run, got it, why though?


KRISTI: Because it’s a challenge! Running drunk is like running in molasses, it’s exhilarating!


ETHAN: Right, but doesn’t it dehydrate you?


THE COLONEL: Dehydration is a state of mind.


KRISTI: You have to think water into your soul!


THE COLONEL: While getting shitfaced.


KRISTI: We’re thinking about doing a pot run next year, pending a bill in the Vermont legislature we want passed.


THE COLONEL: While getting shitfaced.


KRISTI: Plus, the great part is the guys cross-dress while they run.


ETHAN: That doesn’t sound like a great part.


THE COLONEL: It’s great, trust me.


KIMBERLY: Okay, well we’re going to hit the trails.


KRISTI: Okay then.




ETHAN: Bye. (Kimberly and Ethan walk away) Wow, they’re kind of assholes.


KIMBERLY: Sure, they’re a bit supercilious, but who really pisses me off is cum whore.


ETHAN: Why do you call her that?


KIMBERLY: I went to high school with her, she banged everything.


ETHAN: You mean everybody?


(Kimberly shakes her head slowly. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly at the beginning of the trails)


KIMBERLY: Okay, on three. One, two, THREE!


(Ethan and Kimberly both sprint off. Kimberly gains a clear lead on Ethan, who struggles to catch up. Kimberly maintains a persistent lead as Ethan begins to experience pains in his side and stops)


ETHAN: God! Agh! Shit!


(Kimberly stops and goes over to Ethan)


KIMBERLY: Are you okay?


ETHAN: I’M FINE! (Ethan starts running again and speeds ahead of Kimberly, but Kimberly starts running again and eventually surpasses Ethan) SON OF A BITCH!


(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly sitting on a bench on the trails)


KIMBERLY: …Are you okay?


ETHAN: I’m fine!


KIMBERLY: Okay! You just seem…a little splenetic.


ETHAN: I just…I thought I could beat my wife in a race, that’s all!


(Kimberly laughs)


KIMBERLY: That’s what you’re upset about? Don’t worry Ethan, you still get paid more than me for the same work.


ETHAN: I know, I just, I guess the years have caught up with me. I mean, I’m the head of the household! I’m the big daddy! I should be able to beat my wife in a race! I think the wife beating the husband in a race may actually count as a common law divorce.


KIMBERLY: I don’t think so. Also, we’re both the heads of the household.


ETHAN: No, I’m the head, trust me. And I’m definitely the big daddy.




ETHAN: I mean, this was supposed to alleviate my stress, but it’s stressing me out further! And now I just feel…emasculated.


KIMBERLY: Emasculated? Ethan, that’s ridiculous. You’re just not as practiced as I am with running.


ETHAN: Kimberly, you’ve been running for what? A day?


KIMBERLY: Two days, actually. Plus, I’m two years younger than you are!


ETHAN: And that’s supposed to comfort me?


KIMBERLY: Your old, old age isn’t your fault.


ETHAN: Jesus! I’ve still got a couple years before I get an AARP card, sixteen or so years before I get Social Security, it can’t be over for me!


KIMBERLY: It isn’t, you just-


(Kristi and Ultra Guy walk over)


ULTRA GUY: Hey we’re going to do a double marathon/potacho-eating contest in a few minutes, are you in? No water’s allowed unless you’re going to drink too much of it and barely avoid water poisoning.


ETHAN: Ultra Guy, how old are you?


ULTRA GUY: Let’s just say when I was born, this trail area was a Hooverville.


(Ethan gets up and leaves in a huff. Cut to Jacob and Jordan walking into a Starbucks. Jacob and Jordan walk up to Bennie Lofgren, who is the worker at the register)


BENNIE: Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you this lovely Monday afternoon?


JACOB: I wouldn’t go so far as to call it lovely, but I would like a…mojito…Shapiro Deniro on the rocks…with a twist!


(Bennie furls his brow and looks both ways in confusion)


BENNIE: Are you saying you want a…coffee?  I don’t know, man! This is my first day, I don’t need this! I’m outta here!


(Bennie backs up and drops a microphone that he inexplicably has, which causes a speaker feedback sound. He then throws down his apron and walks out of the Starbucks)


JORDAN: Wow, that guy gives up easily.


(Bennie walks back into the Starbucks)


BENNIE: Hey, does anybody know a burger joint around here? I’m hungraay.


(Cut to Jacob and Jordan at a table with coffees, talking)


JACOB: So what exactly happened that caused you to run away?


JORDAN: Well…my dad would get home every day from the Vermont State Department office and he fights with my mom about her numerous infidelities. She denies everything, but we all know what’s actually going on. She’s getting home late at night, she’s leaving for sudden “meetings” and she’s yelling “I’m having an affair, HAROLD!” at my dad.


JACOB: Wow, how did he deduce that reality?


JORDAN: He actually didn’t suspect anything until that last thing happened.


JACOB: God. So, you ran away because she was verbally abusing you?


JORDAN: Yeah, she kept telling me to lose weight.


JACOB: You’re…you’re a stick!


JORDAN: Well I haven’t eaten since I ran away.


JACOB: Which was yesterday.


JORDAN: Yeah. But she told me how skinny the guy she’s having an affair with is, she says I should be like him. He is really skinny, I have a feeling he might be gay.


JACOB: How would you know what he looks like?


JORDAN: He came over for dinner last week.


JACOB: Are you fucking kidding me?




JACOB: Was your dad there?


JORDAN: Yeah, he was a little pissed. But he behaved.


JACOB: How weak is this man?


JORDAN: He’s bald and has a beer belly, he has no room for strength.


JACOB: Wow…so you just got fed up?


JORDAN: Yep. You probably think my family is crazy dysfunctional.


JACOB: Don’t worry, mine is too. My parents separated for a month.


JORDAN: Was someone cheating?


JACOB: I don’t know, they never really explained it. I suspect that was happening, though. My brother Ryan is an emo with drug issues, depression issues and he cuts. My dad barely got off for corruption three months ago.


JORDAN: Wow. That’s also pretty bad.


JACOB: Yeah. I guess every family has its problems. I’ve just never felt the compulsion to run away.


JORDAN: Right…so what are you going to do with me then? Are you going to hand me off to the cops as the crazy runaway girl? If so, you better do it before the media freaks out about the missing white girl in Vermont. Or, are you going to hide me in the attic?


(Cut to Jacob and Madeline looking into Jacob’s closet in March 2012 and seeing a bunch of attractive teenage girls in bras and panties. Then cut back to Jacob and Jordan. Jacob puts his on Jordan’s and leans in)


JACOB: How about the closet?


(Cut to Jordan in Jacob’s closet in a sleeping bag. The light is on, the door is closed and Jacob is sitting down, leaning against a wall. Jacob is on his phone)


JORDAN: Who are you calling?


JACOB: Just give me a second.


(Cut to Kirsten on stage at the Hansbay High theatre auditorium. She is wearing an Abe Lincoln costume with leggings)


KIRSTEN: Four scare and seven periods ago… our cougars brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Las Vegas and dedicated to the proposition that all ladies are created sexy! (Breaks character) I’m sorry, this play seems really sexist.


(Cut to Ms. Marshall and Preston sitting next to each other in the front row of the auditorium)


PRESTON: Ms. Marshall personally approved my play, “Lady Lincoln” written by Preston Hernandez.


KIRSTEN: I know, it’s just-(Kirsten’s cell phone rings) hold on. (Kirsten walks off stage and answers the phone back stage) Hello?


JACOB: Hey Kirsten, it’s Jacob.


KIRSTEN: I know who it is, what’s up?


JACOB: Yeah, can you meet me at my house?


KIRSTEN: Uh, yeah, after theatre rehearsal, it ends at six.


(Cut to Jacob standing outside his room on the phone. The camera pans down to his pants, where he clearly has an accentuated boner. Then, pan back to Jacob’s face)


JACOB: Urgh, are you sure you can’t get off earlier? Like now?


KIRSTEN: No Jacob, sorry.


JACOB: …Okay. I’ll meet you there then.


KIRSTEN: What is so urgent?


JACOB: We need to talk. I’ll be there in ten. (Jacob hangs up, leaving Kirsten confused. Cut to Jacob walking into his closet to see Jordan) Hey Jordan, I’ll be right back, I have to return a spoiled pear to the grocers.


JORDAN: Why would you do that?


JACOB: It’s a metaphor, I’ll explain later, bye!


(Jacob leaves. Cut to Mr. Pannell and Ryan in the bathroom. Mr. Pannell is still holding the Xanax in front of Ryan)


MR. PANNELL: Do you have a prescription for this, Ryan?


RYAN: …Yes.


MR. PANELL: Is it a current prescription?


RYAN: …Yep.


MR. PANNELL: I’m going to need the medical documentation.


RYAN: Fine, my prescription expired in February.


MR. PANNELL: It wouldn’t matter that much anyway because you can’t take prescribed drugs on campus without clearing it with the nurse, not even Advil.


RYAN: What about oxycontin?


MR. PANNELL: Don’t dig yourself deeper, Ryan.


RYAN: Okay.


MR. PANNELL: What do you want me to do with this information?


RYAN: Let me off with a slap on the wrist?




RYAN: Not too hard though, because I have delicate wrists.


MR. PANNELL: Ryan, I have cause to have you arrested, you are in possession of street Xanax.


RYAN: It wasn’t on the street, technically it’s just someone else’s Xanax. He sold it to me. He also gave me a book about the Civil Rights Movement, so…package deal.


MR. PANNELL: Do you really think that’s going to sway me? Ryan, I used to teach at an inner-city school in Burlington, I caught a kid smoking dope in the bathroom, I threatened to have him arrested and he punched me in the face and beat me with the blunt end of a blunt.


RYAN: Wow. Who does drugs in the bathroom, that’s so dumb.


MR. PANNELL: You do!


RYAN: Right, but not smoke signal drugs. Although I did smoke flares in here once.


MR. PANNELL: How do you smoke flares-never mind, give me one reason why I shouldn’t get the school cop over here.


RYAN: Mr. Pannell, I have a problem with drugs, I admit that, it’s a battle I’ve been fighting for over a year now. But what is sending me to jail going to do?! It’s going to make sure I become a hardened criminal when I get out! That’s how jail works in this country! (Tears start rushing down Ryan’s face) Please don’t have me arrested, that would ruin my life!


MR. PANNELL: Okay, just, calm down. (Mr. Pannell puts the Xanax in his pocket) Ryan, I won’t have you arrested.


RYAN: …Thanks.


MR. PANNELL: I don’t have a class this block, just come into my classroom.


(Cut to Ryan and Mr. Pannell in Mr. Pannell’s classroom. Mr. Pannell is behind his desk while Ryan is sitting in front)


RYAN: Did you not think I might have problems at the beginning of the year when I came in here wearing devil clothing?


MR. PANNELL: (Laughs) I thought you needed some color. (Ryan laughs) But no, I thought you were a respectable young man. And I’m not implying that you aren’t because of this weakness. I had a friend who did drugs when I was a nascent teenager.


RYAN: What happened to him?


MR. PANNELL: He turned out fine.


RYAN: Well that’s good.


MR. PANNELL: No, sorry, he died. It was my friend that had an abusive father that turned out fine.


RYAN: Jesus, when did he die?


MR. PANNELL: Age eighteen in a car accident. That was 1979. The year 1979.


RYAN: I know. God, I’m sorry to hear that.


MR. PANNELL: He was so high. Literally, so high. He could not speak or think, much less drive. But of course you think drugs should be legalized because they’re okay.


RYAN: No, I think weed should be legalized because it’s overpopulating our prisons and it’s less dangerous than alcohol.


MR. PANNELL: Then why don’t we just make hookah legal?


RYAN: Hookah is legal!


MR. PANNELL: That’s the stuff you inject in your veins, right?


RYAN: Yeah, and you blow it out of your veins because it looks cool, not because it actually does anything.


MR. PANNELL: If the idea is to empty prisons, that could be an argument to make anything legal.


RYAN: No because some things do more harm than others.


MR. PANNELL: So drugs are okay?


RYAN: No, you’re taking my arguments to absurd extremes.


MR. PANNELL: No, I’m taking your arguments to their logical conclusion. It is volitional that if you make one drug legal, eventually they’re all going to be legal.


RYAN: No, that’s a slippery slope argument.


MR. PANNELL: It’s not a slippery slope argument, it’s a direct path.


RYAN: Well, you could make that same argument with the drinking age, we could make it twenty-one, why not make it two or eighty-three! Or you have to be a forty-three year old single mother with twins who just needs a glass of wine and a bubble bath at the end of the day! Let’s pass that law, why not, right?


MR. PANNELL: That’s not a direct path, though. It’s like how if we legalize gay marriage, it’s logical that we’re going to legalize beastiality and Hitler marriage.


RYAN: Did you really just pull the conservative slippery slope double whammy?  Animals can’t consent to marriage and by the way, what do you think marriage is?


MR. PANNELL: Marriage is a Judeo-Christian institution set up by the bible for one man, one woman and Jesus.


RYAN: Sounds like a freaky three-way.




RYAN: But hold on, do you not think gay couples love each other like straight couples do?


MR. PANNELL: Do they?


RYAN: Yes, gay couples love each other like straight couples do.


MR. PANNELL: Do they?


RYAN: Are you saying they don’t? Are you-are you talking about butt sex?


MR. PANNELL: What? No! What are you talking about? I’m saying that love is a verb, not an emotion.


RYAN: You love your wife.


MR. PANNELL: I am absolutely dedicated to her.


RYAN: And you love her.


MR. PANNELL: I am absolutely dedicated to her.


RYAN: Just say you love your wife!


MR. PANNELL: I love Jesus.  


RYAN: Whatever, listen, why is it up to the government to dictate what love is valid and what is deserving of federal benefits based on religion? There’s a separation of church and state.


 MR. PANNELL: Yes, but there’s not a separation of God and state. God and state are the hottest marriage since sliced marriage.


RYAN: I have doubts about whether some fantastical, invisible, omnipotent, omnipresent being is up in the sky and that he wrote a book through man. It’s just-there’s no way of proving it.


MR. PANNELL: Ryan, if this is all an accident, that we’re talking to each other based purely on accident, and if this is evolution’s doing, and you’re just pond scum, then you have no value to me. But if you are created in God’s image, which you are, then you are truly valuable to me.


RYAN: But you would be valuable to me whether you were created in God’s image or Faun’s cum, or whatever you said.


MR. PANNNELL: I didn’t say the semen of a half-human, half-goat, I said pond scum. And listen, I know you can see me as valuable either way, but that’s because we speak completely different languages. We will never see eye to eye because Jesus is the apple of my eye and your eye is obscured by your delicately straightened hair.


RYAN: That’s true.


MR. PANNELL: The only thing we can agree on is to respectfully disagree.


RYAN: But I’m going to hell, right?


MR. PANNELL: Oh yeah.


(Cut to Ethan in his office. Evan walks into Ethan’s office)


EVAN: Hey.


ETHAN: What’s up?


EVAN: Um…Mayor Sarandon just got some letters.


ETHAN: …Okay? Why are you telling me this?


EVAN: Well, I heard about the ricin poisoned letters that were sent to Senator Wicker, I-


ETHAN: Oh my God, go open the letters!


EVAN: I’m not the king’s taste tester!


ETHAN: You’re his Chief of Staff, I’m his COO, I don’t have to do that shit anymore. Don’t be a pussy.


EVAN: Wow, just calm down.


ETHAN: Just be a goddamn man! (Ethan sorts through some papers and violently puts a few of them down while mumbling to himself) Fuckin’ ricin scare, thinks anyone’s after Sarandon, give me a fuckin’ break-(Ethan throws the papers at the wall and then knocks over his lamp) FUCK!


EVAN: What is wrong with you?!


ETHAN: I’ll be back. (Ethan walks out of his office and runs into Kimberly in running gear and Ivy Leaguer behind her in a wedding dress holding a beer. He has a rash on his neck) Wha-how?


KIMBERLY: Hey. I know you’re probably feeling down about your masculinity, so I decided to challenge you to a race. You versus Ivy Leaguer in a wedding dress. He has poison ivy and wedding dresses chafe.


ETHAN: I could wipe the floor with that guy, although they might exacerbate his poison ivy, but that’s not the point, the point is I couldn’t beat you.


(Mayor Sarandon walks over holding a letter)


MAYOR SARANDON: WHA-HO! Did I hear something about Kimberly beating Ethan at a rap battle?


ETHAN: No, she beat me in a race.


KIMBERLY: I’ve been running recently. It’s good for your whole body.


MAYOR SARANDON: What about your core?


KIMBERLY: Yeah, that’s included…in the body.


MAYOR SARANDON: Why is a drunk cross-dresser in this office?


IVY LEAGUER: I’m not drunk, I’m just, tipsy!


MAYOR SARANDON: That’s the gayest form of drunk. Also, you’re wearing a wedding dress!


KIMBERLY: Runners are crazy!


ETHAN: Stop saying that like it justifies anything.


KIMBERLY: What do I have to do to reassure your masculinity?


ETHAN: I guess, a rematch where I win.


KIMBERLY: Fine, how about around the building?


ETHAN: Fine!


KIMBERLY: Good! Also if I win you have to run with me every morning!


ETHAN: Deal!


(Kimberly and Ethan both smile and shake hands)


MAYOR SARANDON: I will referee this race right after I open this letter


(He turns the letter around to reveal the words “4-15-13, DEATH TO AMERICA, DEATH TO ISRAEL, THERE’S POISON IN HERE”)


ETHAN: Maybe don’t.


(Cut to Kirsten on stage at Hansbay High, sitting on a folding chair with Natasha portraying Mary Todd Lincoln. They are watching a play)


KIRSTEN: This play is so very droll, I must say.


NATASHA: Absolutely, although it could use some Ellen dancing.


KIRSTEN: (Breaks character) I’m sorry, why is Mary Todd Lincoln not Matt Todd Lincoln or something?


PRESTON: It’s an alternate universe where the 16th President was not only the first female President, but the first lesbian President!


KIRSTEN: Women couldn’t even vote!


(Jacob walks on stage with his hands fashioned like a gun)


JACOB: I’m Lee Harvey Wilkes Boothe! I’m going to shoot you!


KIRSTEN: Hold on one second. (Kirsten takes Jacob backstage) What is so urgent?


JACOB: Um, we need to talk.


KIRSTEN: Could we make it quick?


JACOB: Sure. We need to break up.




JACOB: Yeah, I’m sorry to do that to you, it’s not you, it’s me, we’ve just drifted, all that stuff.


KIRSTEN: Why all of a sudden are you doing this?!


JACOB: I just felt it was time.


KIRSTEN: Jacob, I still have four months until I have to go to Canada!


JACOB: I know, I can’t stand to lose you, so I’m trying to withdraw my feelings from you in anticipation of this upcoming loss.


KIRSTEN: No way, you said you wanted to spend these last couple months with me and if you were actually withdrawing feelings for that reason you wouldn’t have just up and said it! What’s really going on here? Did you meet someone?


JACOB: …Uhh…


KIRSTEN: Oh, I see. (Her eyes start watering) FUCK YOU!


(Kirsten storms off)




(Cut to Jacob walking back into his closet to see Jordan watching something on Jacob’s laptop while she eats Cheez-its from a bowl. Jacob looks pretty reticent and unaroused. He closes the door)




JACOB: Hey. What are you watching?


JORDAN: Girls Season two.


(Jacob sits down next to her and watches with her as the camera zooms in. Cut to Ryan and Mr. Pannell sitting in front of Principal Maxell in his office)


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Well…? Ryan, you set this appointment with me just before lunch because you said you had a problem with Mr. Pannell. Now you’re both here, I want to know what the problem is.


(Mr. Pannell looks at Ryan and Ryan looks back. They then both look at Principal Maxell)


RYAN: Um…you see, the thing is…well…


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: What is it? Spit it out, Donahue.


RYAN: The problem is…Mr. Pannell is too good of a teacher and motivates me too much to explore history and literature in-depth.


(Mr. Pannell smiles and after a few seconds, Principal Maxell throws up his hands)


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Are you fucking kidding me?! You scheduled an appointment to regurgitate some bullshit cliché in front of me and to praise Mr. Pannell in a hackneyed joke complaint? You took time out of my day to say that about Mr. Pannell?!


RYAN: Well, I think-


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Get the fuck out of my office, both of you!


(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly perched at an improvised starting line in the parking lot outside the Mayor’s office. Mayor Sarandon is nearby holding a starting pistol while Ivy Leaguer stands nearby as well)


MAYOR SARANDON: Okay, there’s two laps. And when I shoot this gun-


KIMBERLY: Considering recent events, maybe you shouldn’t make any loud noises like that.


MAYOR SARANDON: Fine! (He puts the gun in his pocket) Then, Bridezilla over here will wiggle his ass and you’ll hear sleigh bells and go!


ETHAN: Or you could just say go!




(Ethan and Kimberly sprint off. Kimberly starts out ahead of Ethan, just by a little bit. They stretch around the first corner and they run past a guy with donuts. He drops all said donuts due to their interference. They then go around the second corner and Ethan gains on Kimberly, and by the third corner, Ethan surpasses Kimberly, just barely. They go around the fourth corner with Ethan maintaining a steady lead. They pass the starting line and round the first corner, running past the same guy from earlier and this time they make him drop all of his apples. They round the second corner and Ethan has a narrow lead. They zip past the third corner while Kimberly catches up and they go around the fourth corner and Ethan runs into a man in a black suit in front of the finish line while Kimberly crosses. Kimberly runs over to see Ethan and the man in the suit both on the ground, writhing in pain)


ETHAN: OWW! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! (Ethan stands up with a bloody nose and the man in the suit also stands up) Hey, asshole, you totally fucked up my race! I was winning!


MAN IN SUIT: I’m Scott Neugabauer from the Internal Revenue Service, I’m here to talk about your audit, are you the head of the household?


(Ethan looks over to a simpering Kimberly)


KIMBERLY: I’ll see you on the trails, big daddy.


(Kimberly slaps Ethan on the back and walks away. Fade to black)



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