The Donahues Episode 88

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Two of Roger and Jacob’s friends die of an overdose, Ryan and Michael consider a business opportunity and Mayor Sarandon deals with a corrupt coroner

Submitted: April 23, 2013

A A A | A A A

Submitted: April 23, 2013









“Glacial icicles heralding the season pangs sharply with the shuddering of icy sharpness, sepulchral sensation, I sense your warmth on the frozen floor. Ambivalent in crossing the bridge for you're blinded by the thick haze or your valor froze with the hushed clamor”

  • Norman Santos


(We start with Michael Bingaman in a suit standing in court. Judge McGlynn is on the dais while Michael’s lawyer David Merkely stands beside him. On the other side is an old woman and her lawyer, Sue Farenthold)


JUDGE MCGLYNN: Okay, okay, what’s the deal here?


DAVID: Your honor, this is a civil proceeding, not a locker room confrontation.


JUDGE MCGLYNN: Take a walk!


SUE: Your honor, Mr. Bingaman INTENTIONALLY slammed into the back of my client’s car in a parking lot on the 16th of April, causing major damage to her back bumper, your honor.


JUDGE MCGLYNN: Easy on the Your Honors, Ms. Farenthold.


SUE: I apologize, your…majesty?


JUDGE MCGLYNN: No, anyway, Mr. Bingaman, what do you have to say for yourself?


MICHAEL: Your honor, I was being negligent to an extent, but I really think Skrillex is to blame here.


DAVID: Your honor, my client knows not what he says, Mr. Skrillex has been a pillar of the community for many years.


JUDGE MCGLYNN: Who is Skrillex?


MICHAEL: I was listening to Skrillex in my car and he lulled me into a state of complacency, which caused me to accidentally back into Ms. Cardova’s very nice Rolls-Royce.


SUE: I’ll remind you, your honor, that Ms. Cardova is a member of the very affluent Hansbay family, the Cardovas and she owns the Cardova Country Club. Not that that’s relevant, but…you know.


JUDGE MCGLYNN: Yes, I’m a member. One time we had a wine drinking there, it was marvelous.


SUE: Yes and Ms. Cardova is entitled to many, many dollars. Perhaps many more, in compensatory payments for the damage.


JUDGE MCGLYNN: I agree, Mr. Bingaman. I hereby order you to pay many, many dollars to Lisa Cardova by Monday, May 6, 2013, perhaps many more!


MICHAEL: But I don’t have many dollars!


JUDGE MCGLYNN: Well then you’re going to need to find a job, kiddo.


(Judge McGlynn slams the gavel. Cut to Trey, Colleen, Chris Hayes, Peter, Logan and Calvin Lamiter hanging out in some living room, most of them are smoking weed)


TREY: So Calvin, how old are you?


CALVIN: I’m nineteen, bro. This is basically my very own casa.


PETER: Is it actually?


CALVIN: No, but my dad stays mostly upstairs. So it’s all good. I haven’t seen him in a year. But I just wake up and there’s all this evidence that he’s been around.


PETER: That’s really strange. Are you sure he’s alive?


CALVIN: I haven’t smelled anything yet.


(They laugh)


COLLEEN: Why can’t I make people laugh like that?


TREY: You make people laugh all the time, babe.


COLLEEN: Yeah, but then they usually try to offer me money.


CHRIS HAYES: Hey Logan, aren’t you on the lam?


LOGAN: Yeah, I’ve been on the run for the last three months. I can’t tell you how many lonely Vermont farmers I’ve comforted since January. But then I usually ride their one and only friend on my way to the next warm bed.


PETER: You mean their wives?


(They all laugh)


TREY: Well, anyway, Chris Hayes, Colleen and I should probably head home since it’s a school night and everything.


CALVIN: I remember having school nights. Now all I have are endless nights.


CHRIS HAYES: I’m going to post that to my Facebook.


CALVIN: Already did it.




TREY: Alright. (Trey, Chris Hayes and Colleen get up) we’ll see you guys later.


LOGAN: See you guys later.




CALVIN: See ya! (Trey, Chris Hayes and Colleen leave the house. Then, Calvin goes into the kitchen and opens a drawer. He takes out a kit and places it on the counter) Now the fun really begins.


(He opens up the kit to reveal needles and baggies of heroin)




(Cut to Kaley and Craig Whitelock, Kimberly’s relatives in Boston, sitting in their living room. They look frightened)


CRAIG: Are the kids in their rooms?


KALEY: Yes, they’re in their rooms.


CRAIG: Let’s pray to Jesus that Mr. Tsarnaev is arrested and sentenced to life in Hell!


KALEY: Unless liberals outlawed the hell sentence.


(A knock on the door is heard. Craig and Kaley tense up and walk over to the front door. They open it up to see a SWAT team member holding an automatic weapon and a wearing a helmet)


SWAT MEMBER: Hi! I’m Keith. Um, just think of me as a neighborhood watch. Um…so, have you seen a nineteen year old Chechnyan kid, yay-high, curly hair, looks kind of like a Roman God?


KALEY: No, we haven’t seen him, this is scary, have you any idea where he might be?


SWAT MEMBER: Don’t be intimidated by the automatic weapon, ma’am. (A black armored truck passes by behind him) Or the armored truck. (A tank passes by) Or the, tank.


(Jackson and Cullen walk over to the door)


CRAIG: Guys, go back to your rooms!

SWAT MEMBER: Wait, have you any information, young men?


JACKSON: I have a question. If you cannot see Dzhokar Tsarnaev, how do you know he really exists? Also, do you really exist since he can’t see you?




SWAT MEMBER: Okay, great. I’ll go back to looking for a terrorist. Toodaloo!


CULLEN: You’re a SWAT team member, are you really saying “Toodaloo”?




(The SWAT Member walks away and Craig shuts and locks the door)


CRAIG: If I say “plate glass”, then get the ark out of the backyard and we’ll sail down the Housatonic.


KALEY: We should probably take that ark into the basement, by the way.


(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Ryan and Jacob in their living room)


ETHAN: Have you read about the suspects, the Tsarnaev brothers?


RYAN: You’re making them sound like Mario and Luigi.


JACOB: I don’t think they taught typing.


KIMBERLY: Well, one of them’s dead, he was shot last night at MIT, that was Tamerlan, who I guess would be Luigi in this case.


RYAN: We don’t have to run with the Mario Brothers metaphor if you guys don’t want to.


ETHAN: Anyway, they’re two plumbers from the Chechnyan Kingdom, and-sorry, I don’t feel comfortable with the Mario Brothers metaphor.


RYAN: I said we didn’t have to do it!


ETHAN: Anyway, their friends and relatives described Dzhorkan as “nice”, “caring”, “compassionate”, “an angel”, “really sweet”, “a great guy”, one girl even had a crush on him! I mean, what the hell?


RYAN: To be fair, he is an admittedly sexy terrorist.




RYAN: I’m just glad they didn’t kill the cute one.


JACOB: The guy’s a monster.


RYAN: C’mon, are we homophones or something here?


ETHAN: No, we’re not two words pronounced the same but meaning different things.


KIMBERLY: God, I hope we get him alive. I want him to be tried fairly and justly and put in jail for the rest of his life.


ETHAN: I’m going more for a Darwinian bloodlust, I want each of the victim’s families to be allotted five minutes to go in and spend quality time with Tsarnaev once they capture him.


JACOB: Quality time as in beating the shit out of him.


KIMBERLY: That’s…chaos.


ETHAN: Chaos is conservatism, Kimberly, get over it!




RYAN: I was want this week to be over with, we have a bombing on Monday, ricin letters sent to Senator Wicker and President Obama on Tuesday, we had that awful fertilizer plant explosion in Texas on Wednesday, the Senate rejected expanded background checks that same day, I mean, this week has been the bee’s dick.


JACOB: Sorry, they sent ricin letters to the Wicker man?


RYAN: What? No, it was-


JACOB: Why do people hate Nicholas Cage so much?


ETHAN: Why are people so insistent on background checks for internet sales?


KIMBERLY: Maybe because it’s as easy to be a gun online as it is to sign up for a Club Penguin account.


ETHAN: I honestly think the latter is more dangerous! Penguins are weak! Because they don’t have guns! You know, I left my gun in a wheelchair out on the front porch and guess what? It didn’t roll away and kill anybody!


KIMBERLY: Nobody’s claiming that guns act on their own to kill people, but that gun could’ve easily been stolen by a mad man who wanted to shoot people, you just left it out on our porch in a wheelchair!


ETHAN: I was proving a point!


KIMBERLY: A hollow point. Whoa, double meaning.


ETHAN: The point is, the second amendment wins! Now let’s keep watching the coverage of the guy who’s brother shot and killed a police officer last night.


(Cut to the TV. Patrick White is reporting)


PATRICK WHITE: We have breaking news. (A dramatic breaking news graphic appears)




(Cuts back to Patrick White)


PATRICK WHITE: We are getting word that the Boston bombing suspect, Dzhorkan Tsarnaev, has been cornered in a boat in a backyard in Watertown, Massachusetts by the authorities. (The breaking news graphic appears again and we cut back to Patrick) We are unsure at this moment if this is a sail boat, a yacht, a water schooner or a toy boat. (Breaking news graphic again, cut back to Patrick) We’re getting word that we still don’t know what kind of boat it is.


JACOB: Is it just me, or do they overuse the breaking news thing?


ETHAN: You know, he’s a Muslim. We’re going to need to institute some serious measures to combat terrorism after this, and I hope we don’t Mirandize him or give him any rights.


KIMBERLY: He’s an American citizen, we would have to.


ETHAN: Kimberly, if we give him rights and a fair trial, we are putting America at RISK! My mom could blow up, do you want my mom to blow up?!


(Cut to over half an hour later. They are all on the edge of their seats. Cut to Patrick White at the news desk)


PATRICK WHITE: We have breaking news.


(The breaking news graphic comes up)




(Cut back to Patrick)


PATRICK WHITE: The Boston police have confirmed that the Boston Bombing suspect, Dzhorkan Tsarnaev, has been arrested and is in custody.


(Ethan, Kimberly, Ryan and Jacob stand up and cheer and hug)






RYAN: Wow, what a great development, but let’s not forget about the families of the victims of this horrible tragedy.


ETHAN: That’s true. Let’s not forget them.


KIMBERLY: But still, this is great.




PATRICK WHITE: We’ll continue to track the capture of the Boston Bombing suspect Dzhorkan Tsarnaev, but we’d like to focus on a local story that’s been developing since Thursday night, which is the death of two Hansbay teenagers Peter Lynch and Logan DeMint.


(The Donahues collectively gasp)




PATRICK WHITE: Lynch and DeMint were found cold and unresponsive on the morning of Friday, April 19th and had telltale signs of drug overdose. Initial reports suggest the overdose was likely due to an excessive combination of marijuana, alcohol and heroin.


JACOB: Oh my God…how did I not hear about this?!


RYAN: Jacob, I’m so sorry.


ETHAN: Jacob, you were friends with Peter, right?


JACOB: Sort of, I mean we, stopped hanging out about five and a half months ago, but…oh my God, that poor kid.


KIMBERLY: And Logan, too. I mean, he lived with us for four months. I can’t believe he’s gone.


PATRICK WHITE: The identities of the two teens were not confirmed until school was dismissed for the day, but an hour ago Hansbay High released a statement saying “Hansbay High School and indeed all of Hansbay mourn for the tragic passing of these two young men. They left us far too early and their memories will live on. Grief counselors will be available on Monday and throughout next week as we cope with this tragic set of losses.” Police have arrested the nineteen-year old man who allegedly provided them with the drugs, a man by the name of Calvin Lamiter.




JACOB: You know him?


RYAN: Know him?! That bastard tried to hook up with Michelle after we broke up! Now he’ll get what he deserves.


JACOB: This week is awful.


(Kimberly starts crying and Ethan puts his arm around her. And the whole family hold each other close. Cut to a slender, bald man with glasses in a suit sitting behind a desk in a dimly lit room, typing on his laptop. A man in a suit with black hair walks in and suits down. The bald man stops typing)


BALD MAN: (Wretched voice) What do you want?!


MAN IN SUIT: Giovanni, please, this is a friendly visit.


GIOVANNI: Oh is it, now? What do you have for me, Vincenzo?


VINCENZO: Well, it’s just a little thing, but…I think we have an opportunity to put that coroner to good use.


GIOVANNI: Really now?


VINCENZO: Yeah, there’s a union guy sniffin’ around our operation.


GIOVANNI: I’m surprised they haven’t found us, I can smell your cologne from a kilometer away.


VINCENZO: My cologne is the blood of my enemies.




VINCENZO: No really, it’s a Coco Chanel product.


GIOVANNI: Oh, bold. Anyway, this union guy is onto us?


VINCENZO: It’s only a matter of time. Which is why it’s our responsibility to make it his time.


GIOVANNI: …I’m not following.


VINCENZO: To die, boss.


GIOVANNI: Oh! Got it. And you’re saying since we have the Hansbay coroner on our side, we’ll be in the clear?


VINCENZO: Precisely.


GIOVANNI: Does Sarandon know about this?


VINCENZO: That fuckin’ rube’s clueless, he just gave that coroner the okay the minute we presented him.


GIOVANNI: Oh, perfect. Well, I suppose you should go kill this guy, then. Nobody messes with Giovanni Cardova.


VINCENZO: And nobody messes with Vincenzo Cardova!


(Giovanni slaps Vincenzo)




VINCENZO: I apologize, dad!


(Cut to younger man with brown hair wearing a tie and white coat sitting in an office with a placard on his desk reading “Benvolio Cardova, Coroner, Hansbay, Vermont”. He is on the computer when he receives a call on his office phone. He answers)




VINCENZO: I’m about to go take care of someone in your jurisdiction, Benny.


BENVOLIO: Are you starting that babysitting business up again?


VINCENZO: What? No, that was like twenty years ago, there’s a union guy who needs to be dealt with. You’ll understand that his death will be an accident.  Tá mé ag dul a mharú an mac soith, gcloiseann tú mé?


BENVOLIO: You’re an Italian gangster, why are you talking to me in Gaelic?


VINCENZO: I’m worldly! Now, do you understand?


BENVOLIO: I understand.


VINCENZO: ???, ??? ?? ?????? ???, ??? ???? ?? ???


BENVOLIO: How many languages do you know?

VINCENZO: I’ll tell you a language I don’t know…Italian. Not a word.


(Cut to some working stiff in a parking lot in front of his car. There are several trees near this parking lot. He is using a scratch-off ticket, rubbing it vigorously with a coin. At the top of the ticket it says “THREE OF THE SAME AND YOU HALF A MILLION DOLLARS” He rubs one and sees a cherry)


WORKING STIFF: One cherry. (He rubs another off and sees a cherry) Two cherry! (He rubs another off and sees a cherry) Ah, just some sort of red bomb. Better luck next time I guess.


(He throws the ticket on the ground. He pulls out another lottery ticket while Vincenzo lurks up behind him wearing a leather jacket and a balaclava and wielding a baseball bat. He violently smacks the working stiff over the head, sending him cascading to the ground. Vincenzo then proceeds to hit him once or twice more to ensure he’s dead. Then, Vincenzo runs away. Cut to Ethan Donahue in his office, on the phone)


ETHAN: Benvolio, I’m looking at the pictures, there is NO WAY this was an accident! This man was clearly murdered!

BENVOLIO: (On the phone) I reviewed it thoroughly, do you question my work?


ETHAN: Obviously I do! I never made any reservations about that! I’m the COO, I oversee the different bureaus of the city and the Coroner’s office is under my jurisdiction.


BENVOLIO: But, Mr. Donahue, you have no power to fire or discipline me, you can manage me and oversee me, but you can’t fire me or force my hand on this. In fact, I can overrule a forensic pathologist.


ETHAN: Yeah, and our forensic pathologist disagrees with you.


BENVOLIO: Well, he’s cheating on both his wife and his best friend.


ETHAN: Is that you?


BENVOLIO: YES! I’m his wife!

ETHAN: No, I meant best friend.


BENVOLIO: Oh. Well in that case, no.


ETHAN: What!?


BENVOLIO: With all due respect Mr. Donahue, you don’t have a leg to stand on. But you know what I have? Two legs!


ETHAN: Yeah, well Sanford Roe also had legs to stand on, but now he’s taking a nap in a steel drawer!


BENVOLIO: MY steel drawer!


ETHAN: If you want me to involve Mayor Sarandon, I will!




(Benvolio hangs up)


ETHAN: Fucking dago. (Ethan hangs up) Wow, I’ve been watching too much Boardwalk Empire.


(Cut to Michael on his computer in his room)


MICHAEL: The FBI interviewed Tamerlan Tsarnaev in 2011? Please tell me they just talked about his latest movie! (The doorbell rings. Michael gets up and goes to the door. He opens it to see Ryan) if it isn’t the bitch patrol.


RYAN: Wouldn’t that imply that you’re a bitch?


MICHAEL: You’re a bitch, get in here!

(Ryan and Michael laugh as Ryan walks inside and Michael shuts the door)


RYAN: So, are your parents here?


(Anthony and Wanda Bingaman walk out of a room, arm in arm, dressed for a hot date)


ANTHONY: Yes, we’re here, what of it?


RYAN: Oh, nothing, hello, Mr. and Mrs. Bingaman.


WANDA: Mr. and Mrs. Bingaman, thank you.


RYAN: I said Mrs.


ANTHONY: We’re still married.


RYAN: I know.


ANTHONY: Anyway, we’re going out on a shit hot hot date. Don’t ask.


RYAN: Okay.


WANDA: We’re going to Schmageggi’s.


RYAN: That’s a nice place.


ANTHONY: Are you saying we can’t afford it?


RYAN: No, I wasn’t suggesting that at all.


ANTHONY: Good, because we can’t, we’ll probably just end up eating bird food.




MICHAEL: Mom, dad, have fun!

WANDA: Oh, we will.


(Anthony and Wanda leave)


RYAN: What the fuck was that?!


MICHAEL: Sorry, they’re just under a lot of stress, especially since I had that accident this week.


RYAN: Oh yeah, you told me about that. How much do you have to pay that lady?


MICHAEL: Many, many monies.


RYAN: Could you be more specific?


MICHAEL: No, there’s a gag order. (Michael and Ryan walk into Michael’s room and Michael sits on his bed and Ryan sits in a chair) Plus, my grades are dismal. Even worse than yours.


RYAN: Why is that?


MICHAEL: I have ADD up the ass.


RYAN: I was not aware ADD was an affliction specific to the ass. Do you take medication for it?


MICHAEL: I did. I took Focalin. But then I saw an ad for it and I was like, fuck it, I don’t want to be a slave to consumerism.


RYAN: You have empty Starbucks cups everywhere.


MICHAEL: Whatever…


RYAN: So you just stopped taking it?


MICHAEL: Yeah, so now I just have this Focalin lying around. But that’s the last of my worries because I have to pay all this money to that lady-OH MY GOD.


RYAN: What?


(Michael sits up)


MICHAEL: Are you thinking the thoughts that I am thinking in my head right now today-


RYAN: No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.


MICHAEL: I have to pay that Lisa Cardova bitch a shit ton of cash, how am I going to get it, especially when I have all this Focalin lying around?


RYAN: Are you seriously considering selling it?


MICHAEL: Dude, that could make the money I need to pay that woman! It’s almost genius!


RYAN: Almost is a stretch. Dude, that just seems kind of wrong.


MICHAEL: Ryan, it’s morally reprehensible. But I need money. My dad lost his job recently, we’re living on my mom’s dime.


RYAN: What does she do?


MICHAEL: She interviews dimes!


RYAN: I’m sorry, what?

MICHAEL: It doesn’t pay much.


RYAN: Are you just not going to explain that?


MICHAEL: Either way, if I start making some deals with some interested parties, I could certainly start racking up some dosh. Maybe even money.


RYAN: I didn’t realize your situation was so dire.


MICHAEL: I have to make my car payments too, it’s a delicate situation. Like a flower in the wind.


RYAN: A flower pollinating Focalin.


MICHAEL: Ryan, don’t you have Xanax you’re not using?


RYAN: …Yeah.


MICHAEL: Maybe you could throw that in, we could split the profits, fivey-fivey?


RYAN: Fivey-fivey?


MICHAEL: Yeah! Half and half!


RYAN: …Okay.


MICHAEL: Yes! (Michael and Ryan shake hands) In the meantime, what are we going to do tonight?


RYAN: Wait, we’re not starting tonight?


MICHAEL: No, not tonight, we have like two weeks, we’ll call this the planning phase. Let’s go get something to eat.


RYAN: Well, the McDonald’s and Taco Bell drive-thrus will be virtual hot box parades since it’s 4/20, maybe we should got to a sit-down place.


(Michael laughs)


MICHAEL: Yeah, let’s go to Bernie’s Grinders.


(Cut to Ryan and Michael standing in Bernie’s Grinders while a man wielding a chainsaw revs it in front of them, including other spectators)




RYAN: Wow, this is not a good way of attracting customers.




(He revs the chainsaw)


MICHAEL: It’s like, six months until Halloween.


(Cut to Ryan and Michael sitting in a booth, both with sub sandwiches. Michael eats his regularly while Ryan does not at all)


MICHAEL: I love these grinders…


RYAN: I know! They’re great!


MICHAEL: You know? Because you haven’t touched your grinder.


RYAN: I’ll get it to go.


MICHAEL: Or you could eat it now, what do you think will happen if you eat it in front of others?


RYAN: Besides me ripping out of my corset?


MICHAEL: If you’re going to eat it anyway, it won’t make it healthier if you don’t eat it in front of people, also, why are you wearing a corset?


RYAN: First of all, people looking at you adds ten pounds, secondly, men’s corsets are coming back.


MICHAEL: Were men’s corsets ever around?


RYAN: Sure, you know, for…turn of the century swimmers.


MICHAEL: Alright.


RYAN: So, uh…how are we going to find people?


MICHAEL: Look around you, man. We haven scores of potential customers.


RYAN: They don’t look like Xanax heads of Focalin…heads.


MICHAEL: There was a guy revving chainsaws a few minutes ago.


RYAN: True. But I’m just having trouble getting over how bad this seems.


MICHAEL: Think about it this way, man. If these kids don’t get it from us, they’re probably going to get it from someone else. Plus, our stuff is probably safer than the tainted shit they’re selling. The FDA doesn’t approve illegally sold pharmaceuticals. Think of us as the FDA of the black market.


RYAN: I guess that’s true, but we could still get in trouble.


MICHAEL: Trouble? Nah! I’ve downloaded four seasons of the Walking Dead off the Pirate Bay, have I gotten in trouble?


RYAN: There’s only three seasons of The Walking Dead.


MICHAEL: Yeah, I already got the fourth season before it even aired, how’s that for criminal? (Roger, Beckett, Trey, Colleen and Jesse walk by, wearing mostly black) See those dumbshits? Potential clientele. Follow my lead. (Michael gets up and walks after them, reluctantly followed by Ryan. Michael and Ryan walk up to them) Hey, Roger, Beckett, Trey, Jesse, what’s up?


COLLEEN: He didn’t say my name, Trey. Punch him.


TREY: Shh.


MICHAEL: Where are you guys going?


ROGER: Um…we’re going to, well-


MICHAEL: Uh, I got it. Say no more. I’m there.


TREY: Really? It’d be cool if you came.


MICHAEL: Yeah, definitely we’ll go. I look forward to it.


JESSE: Okay, cool, come with us.


MICHAEL: Awesome, I guess we’ll follow you guys?


RYAN: Sure.


MICHAEL: Great! See you guys there.


BECKETT: See you.


(They all leave, except for Michael and Ryan)


MICHAEL: See Ryan? Whatever rager they’re going to is going to be teeming with customers.


RYAN: We should at least make sure they don’t overdo it.


MICHAEL: Oh, absolutely. I have my Focalin in my pocket, but shit, you don’t have your Xanax, do you?


RYAN: Yeah, I do. (Ryan takes a bottle of Xanax out of his pocket) I actually carry it with me at all times.


MICHAEL: Great! Let’s go.


(Ryan and Michael leave. Cut to Jacob, Beckett, Roger, Trey, Colleen and Jesse in Jesse’s backyard, smoking pot. They all seem quite somber. Jacob is lighting a bowl)


JACOB: I just, I can’t believe that this happened. (He inhales, then exhales) Why did Peter and Logan have to go?


(Jacob passes the pipe to Beckett)


BECKETT: I don’t know, but I’ll miss Peter and Logan a fuck ton. (Beckett inhales, then exhales) Peter and I used to skip rocks across frogs down at Lake Champlain.


(Beckett passes the pipe to Roger)


ROGER: Yeah, and Logan was batshit crazy, but he was great too. Remember when he pissed on your phone four months ago?


JACOB: Yes, I do.


(They all laugh)


ROGER: That was so great.


JACOB: That, and the fact that my other phone was confiscated by the Chicago police department, is the reason I’ve had three phones in the last year.


(Roger inhales and then exhales)


ROGER: But, the reason Peter and Logan died is they messed with that heroin shit.


(Roger passes the pipe to Trey)


TREY: Yeah, and they drank too much alcohol while smoking pot. (Trey inhales and then exhales, and then takes a sip of beer) They just, got too cocky.


(Trey passes the pipe to Colleen)


COLLEEN: They should make it illegal to die of overdoses.


(She inhales and then exhales and hands the pipe to Jesse)


JESSE: This last hit is for the memories of Peter Lynch and Logan DeMint.


ALL OF THEM: To Peter and Logan!


(Jesse takes a long hit and then a firm puff of smoke billows from his mouth, and they all start coughing profusely. Once the smoke clears, Jesse is holding a bottle of Crown Royal)


JESSE: Now who wants to get fucked up?


(They all raise their hands. Cut to Jacob in Mrs. Vammberg’s office)


MRS. VAMMBERG: I understand you maintained a friendship with both Mr. Lynch and Mr. DeMint?


JACOB: Sort of. Peter and I were friends, but we stopped hanging out about five months ago. And I haven’t seen Logan since January-I mean, August. Of last year. When he was sent away to that mental institution for peeping on my mom.


MRS. VAMMBERG: Why did you say January at first?


JACOB: I always get my Januaries and Augusts confused.


MRS. VAMMBERG: They’re like, polar opposite months.


JACOB: I haven’t seen Logan in eight months! Okay? Can we drop it?


MRS. VAMMBERG: …Very well.


JACOB: I don’t know, I just feel like…they died for a reason. That reason is of course, excessive drug and alcohol use. Of course, I’m not going to die young from those things. But the only thing I don’t do that they did was heroin. Besides that, I drink and I smoke. I can’t necessarily die from those things, but it just seems strange that we continue to do it, even after Peter and Logan expired.


MRS. VAMMBERG: I always hate it when people refer to death as “expiration”. I mean, what are we, milk? Where’s my expiration date? That’d take away a lot of suspense.


JACOB: Are you practicing your stand-up right now?




JACOB: I don’t know, I’m just sad they’re gone. I’ve been thinking about everything I’ve been doing, and it’s just…I’m not satisfied with it. But honestly I never have been. I’ve just been kind of, going along.


MRS. VAMMBERG: Well, maybe you should take a lesson from the memories of Logan and Peter. Perhaps, quit cannabis and alcohol.


JACOB: But then…but then I’d be alone. Truly.


(The camera slowly zooms in on Jacob. Cut to Ethan walking into Mayor Sarandon’s office)


ETHAN: Mr. Mayor, have you heard about the behavior of your coroner recently?




ETHAN: Because he ruled a death that was clearly homicide as an accident for mysterious reasons.


MAYOR SARANDON: You mean the death of that working stiff?


ETHAN: Yeah! And now he’s actually stiff! And by the way, he gave an interview about it on the local news, it should be airing now. (Ethan takes the remote off Mayor Sarandon’s desk and turns the TV on to see Patrick White on TV with an over the shoulder image depicting Dzhokar Tsarnaev)


PATRICK WHITE: Today, the Federal Government filed two charges against the alleged alleged alleged Boston Bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev, the charges being one count of using and conspiring to use a weapon of mass destruction resulting in death and one count of malicious destruction of property by means of an explosive device resulting in death. The Obama administration has stated Tsarnaev, an American citizen, will be tried in civilian courts despite Senator Lindsay Graham’s efforts to have him tried as an enemy combatant due to the fact that no one has been able to prove that he is incapable of chewing through steel bars. Tsarnaev remains in the hospital in serious condition following numerous injuries but is communicating to investigators through writing and being nineteen, sometimes explicit images of phalluses. Moving on to the scandal involving the Hansbay coroner, Benvolio Cardova, who has been accused of scurrilously ruling a potential homicide death of a union worker named Sanford Roe as an accident. Mr. Roe had reportedly been outspoken in his suspicion that the tug boat union is involved with organized crime. I sat down with Mr. Cardova earlier today.


(Cut to Patrick White sitting across from Benvolio in an armchair interview in his office)


PATRICK WHITE: Mr. Cardova, some have claimed you erroneously ruled Mr. Roe’s death an accident to protect the mafia, is there any veracity to that claim?


BENVOLIO: Absolutely not. I was very thorough whilst examining Mr. Roe’s injuries. It was an unfortunate accident. Plus, I am not involved with the mafia. I’m pretty sure they don’t even exist.


PATRICK: With all due respect sir, Mr. Roe’s body seems as though it was severely clubbed with something, particularly his head. It was in the middle of a parking lot, what kind of accident was it in your mind?


BENVOLIO: He was, hit by a wayward tree branch, I don’t know!


PATRICK: He was hit by a wayward tree branch or you don’t know?


BENVOLIO: I don’t know, I’m just saying, it was probably something.


PATRICK: It was definitely something!


BENVOLIO: Yeah, it was a freak accident! As in, he was a freak.


PATRICK: Okay, now you’re insulting the victim.


BENVOLIO: Hey, that is a distortion! I can’t believe you just pulled a “gotcha” question on me.


(Ethan turns off the TV)


ETHAN: Do you see this jackass?! He’s protecting the mafia and he’s under YOUR employ!


MAYOR SARANDON: We have a mafia?


ETHAN: Yes, the Cardova crime family.


MAYOR SARANDON: Jesus, I’m a member of their country club!


ETHAN: No, the Cardovas split off into two different families back in 1987 due to a family feud. One side of the family is a wealthy, affluent family and the other side is a wealthy, affluent crime family.


MAYOR SARANDON: Thank God, I thought I was supporting the mafia. Next you’re going to tell me my iPhone is made with child labor.




MAYOR SARANDON: So, should I fire this guy?


ETHAN: Not only should you fire him, you should direct Sheriff Warren to have the actual murderer of Mr. Roe arrested! Not to mention contact the FBI, maybe they could enforce the RICO Act and prosecute the entire Cardova crime family!


MAYOR SARANDON: But wait, would I then have a target on my back?


ETHAN: Oh, God.


MAYOR SARANDON: I don’t want to be assassinated like those District Attorneys in Texas!


ETHAN: They were assassinated by a pissed off former Judge who had stolen government computers and his chunky sad wife.


MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, and if those mouth breathers can kill DAs, then the mafia can kill me!


ETHAN: Mr. Mayor, are you just going to let these gangsters, these thugs control you?


MAYOR SARANDON: Well, how did Benvolio even get the job?


ETHAN: You approved him blindly back in 2011!


MAYOR SARANDON: Guess what made me blind? My sheer incompetence and alcoholism!


ETHAN: Wow, that was impressively self-aware.


MAYOR SARANDON: Bring Coroner Cardova in h’uch immediately!


ETHAN: Mr. Mayor, he doesn’t deserve mere discipline, he deserves jail time!


(Mayor Sarandon slams his hand on the table)




ETHAN: Yes sir.


(Ethan nervously shuffles out. Cut to Benvolio sitting in front of Mayor Sarandon in his office)


MAYOR SARANDON: I’ve noticed you’ve recently come under some amount of scrutiny for your ruling on Mr. Roe’s death.


BENVOLIO: My ruling shall stay afloat.


MAYOR SARANDON: That it was a-


BENVOLIO: Wayward tree branch,


MAYOR SARANDON: Right, a wayward tree branch.


BENVOLIO: Exactly. Or something else. Just not murder. And you see, Mr. Mayor, you should applaud my bravery in ruling something like I sees it rather than sinking to the politically popular position that Sanford Roe was murdered. I was elected on a promise that I would rule it like I sees it.


MAYOR SARANDON: You were appointed. By me.


BENVOLIO: I remember promising a chicken in every pot and an accident ruling in every murder case.


MAYOR SARANDON: Listen, I am seriously considering firing you. But, um…I do wonder, how tight are your connections with the mafia?


BENVOLIO: I have no earthly idea what you are talking about.


MAYOR SARANDON: Then where were you when the Sanford’s death took place?


BENVOLIO: I was recovering from motion sickness, you can talk to my doctor.


MAYOR SARANDON: …Alright. You know what draws my admiration? You know what gives me joy?


BENVOLIO: I’ve read stuff in the papers-


(Mayor Sarandon gets up and takes out a fishing pole)




(Benvolio laughs)




MAYOR SARANDON: A man. (Mayor Sarandon circles around Benvolio) A man stands alone at a plate. This is a time for what? For individual achievement!


BENVOLIO: Sounds like you’re talking about baseball.


MAYOR SARANDON: I get NOWHERE unless the team wins.


BENVOLIO: Right. But what does that have to do with-


(Mayor Sarandon sits on his desk)


MAYOR SARANDON: We should go fishing.


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon and Benvolio in a boat on Lake Champlain during daytime. They are fishing, both still in work clothes)


BENVOLIO: …So this is fun.


MAYOR SARANDON: Oh, yes. You know…it seems like these days…everyone has their way of controlling others. But you know what I’ve decided?


BENVOLIO: What, Mr. Mayor?


MAYOR SARANDON: The only reason people would have any control over you is if you were thinking about yourself. If you let go of that, it’s THEM, not you, who is fucked.


BENVOLIO: I think my auntie told me that once.


MAYOR SARANDON: Fuck your auntie.


(Cut to Ethan on the phone with Kimberly in his office)


ETHAN: No, he’s just being a coward. God, I wish I would’ve known this when I was Mayor.


KIMBERLY: (Over the phone) No use dwelling things you definitely should have done while you were in office.


ETHAN: Thanks for phrasing it like that.


KIMBERLY: (Laughs) Sorry. What do you want for dinner tonight?


(Ethan leans forward)


ETHAN: I want you.


(Cut to Michael driving Ryan somewhere)


MICHAEL: Where is this party? I don’t know any big partiers who live in this direction.


RYAN: They could be going anywhere!


MICHAEL: Nobody parties on the eastern part of Hansbay. At night time, they sleep. They sometimes drool when they sleep, too. It’s gross.


RYAN: Wait a minute, it seems like they’re going to the park.


MICHAEL: That could work. There are a lot of junkies at the park-OH GOD.


RYAN: Jesus.


(They pull into the park parking lot and get out to see a candlelight vigil is underway for Logan and Peter. There are tons of people holding candles and there is a makeshift stage in front of all of them with a podium on it. There are pictures of Peter and Logan everywhere, along with makeshift memorials where people leave flowers and pay their respects. Ryan and Michael get out of the car)


MICHAEL: Holy shit, we came to a candlelight vigil to sell drugs.


RYAN: Am I the only one who feels like shit all of a sudden?


MICHAEL: I feel like what a piece of shit might feel like when it feels like shit.


(Roger, Beckett, Trey, Jesse and Colleen walk over)


ROGER: Thanks again for coming, you guys.


MICHAEL: Oh, we wouldn’t miss it.


RYAN: This is a major scar on the community.


TREY: Yeah. (Mumbles) I bet you have experience with major scars.


RYAN: What was that?


TREY: This is a solemn occasion, don’t make jokes.


RYAN: I didn’t, I think you just did.


TREY: That’s ridiculous, Colleen, kick his ass.




ROGER: Jesus, Logan and Peter aren’t even in the ground yet.


RYAN: Let’s just go pay our respects.


(Ryan, Roger, Trey, Michael, Colleen, Beckett and Jesse walk toward the candlelight vigil. Cut to Jacob in a suit next to Roger, Brennan, Ryan, Sarah, Trey, Colleen, Jesse and Beckett at Logan’s funeral on Sunday. All the guys are in suits, even Ryan. It is open casket, and they can all see Logan’s cold dead body lying in the casket, wearing a suit. There is a picture of Logan on a stand surrounded by flowers. A placard reads “Logan Reynold DeMint, April 5, 1995-April 18, 2013”. Sarah begins profusely crying, and Ryan comforts her, while also putting his hand on Brennan’s shoulder. The camera focuses on Jacob. Then cut to Jacob lying dead in a casket next to a wreathed picture of Jacob with the placard reading “Jacob Donahue, May 14, 1994-October 13, 2013”. Cut back to Jacob. Cut to Ryan sitting, looking at the casket. Cut to Ryan in a hoodie in front of Judge McGlynn)


JUDGE MCGLYNN: Mr. Donahue, you are hereby charged with THIS! (Judge McGlynn points at a casket that is in the courtroom for some reason) How do you plead?


(It starts raining bouquets of flowers in the courtroom. Cut back to Ryan. Cut to Carson DeMint on stage at the funeral, with his wife, they are both dressed in black and extremely distraught)


CARSON DEMINT: My son, (sniff) had his issues. We knew that better than anybody. His mind was ravaged with mental illness. But he was our son. (He tears up) He was a nice kid!


(Carson begins crying. Cut to Jacob watching. A tear emanates from his right eye and slowly travels down his cheek. Cut to Ryan’s face. A tear of blood emanates from his eye and slowly travels down his cheek. Cut to Mayor Sarandon and Benvolio unboarding the boat at the shore of Lake Champlain)


MAYOR SARANDON: Well, that was productive.


BENVOLIO: We didn’t catch a single fish.


MAYOR SARANDON: Oh, but it was productive.




(Mayor Sarandon puts down his fishing equipment and takes out a baseball bat)


MAYOR SARANDON: Because I prefer to fish with a Louisville Slugger.


BENVOLIO: I don’t think that works.


(Mayor Sarandon walks closer to Benvolio)


MAYOR SARANDON: I like going out on the field and pitching a triple play.


BENVOLIO: Do you play baseball in any professional or informal capacity?


MAYOR SARANDON: Do you watch any gangster movies?




(Mayor Sarandon takes the bat and knocks Benvolio clean out with it, sending him to the ground. Mayor Sarandon then takes out a walkie-talkie and speaks into it)


MAYOR SARANDON: Sheriff Warren, he’s down!


(Sheriff Warren runs over)


SHERRIFF WARREN: I came as quickly as I could! But you have to press the button to talk to me with the walkie-talkie.


MAYOR SARANDON: How’d you hear me?


SHERIFF WARREN: You told me to hide in the bushes over there, I heard and saw you!


MAYOR SARANDON: Just, arrest him!


SHERIFF WARREN: It looks like he needs medical attention.


MAYOR SARANDON: Fuck him! Arrest first, ask questions NEVER!


SHERIFF WARREN: Okay. (Sheriff Warren tries to pull on Benvolio’s arm and then drops it) He’s not getting up.


MAYOR SARANDON: Fine, I’ll call an ambulance, you go tell your guys to raid all the boats on Lake Champlain until they find a mafia hide out!


SHERIFF WARREN: Are you sure that’s where they’re at?




(Flashback to Mayor Sarandon speaking to Benvolio in his office)


BENVOLIO: My ruling shall stay afloat. (Cut) And you see, Mr. Mayor, you should applaud my bravery in ruling something like I sees it rather than sinking to the politically popular position that Sanford Roe was murdered. (Cut) I have no earthly idea what you are talking about. (Cut) I was recovering from motion sickness, you can talk to my doctor.


(Cut to Giovanni and Vincenzo sitting in that dark room from earlier, speaking)


GIOVANNI: You know, I really like our conversations.


VINCENZO: Me too. They’re always so intellectually stimulating.


GIOVANNI: I’m not bored a second.


VINCENZO: That’s exactly what it is.


GIOVANNI: I sometimes feel like we should start recording them on tapes.


VINCENZO: Absolutely. I will buy a recorder.


(Cut to Sheriff Warren and two cops on a tug boat being operated by Irville Satch, he’s transporting them to a ship)


IRVILLE: Do you cop guys shoot everyone and stuff?


COP: What the hell does that mean?


(Cut to Giovanni and Vincenzo)


GIOVANNI: I feel like we should have a talk show.


VINCENZO: Right? Like, a talk show where we talk about how great our conversations are.


(Three cops bust in wielding guns)




(Vincenzo and Giovanni get up and raise their hands. Giovanni vomits)


GIOVANNI: Sorry, motion sickness.


(Vincenzo vomits on Giovanni’s vomit)


VINCENZO: We have great conversations.


(Cut to Benvolio lying in a hospital bed with a bandage on his head. He wakes up to see Mayor Sarandon, Ethan, Sheriff Warren, a federal judge and a federal prosecutor)


BENVOLIO: What is this some sort of joke?


FEDERAL JUDGE: Does this look like a joke to you?


(A Rabbi and a Priest walk in and then, having overheard that comment, immediately leave)


BENVOLIO: I guess not.


FEDERAL JUDGE: Mr. Cardova, I am hereby charging you, along with your relatives Giovanni and Vincenzo, with multiple violations of the Racketeering Influenced and Corrupt Organizations or RICO Act. You are also being charged with conspiracy to cover up murder.


BENVOLIO: Can I use my lifeline?


(Benvolio laughs)


FEDERAL JUDGE: How does that make sense right now?


ETHAN: You just got charged with serious crimes.


BENVOLIO: Por que?


(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly sitting on the couch in their living room)


ETHAN: I have to hand it to him, I didn’t think he’d do anything.


KIMBERLY: You thought he was just going to let the mafia control the city?


ETHAN: He would let anonymous control the city if they had some Bailey’s laying around.


KIMBERLY: Well, I’m glad you could prod him in the right direction. But that thing earlier…about wanting me for dinner…what was that about?


(Ethan turns toward Kimberly)


ETHAN: I was just speaking my mind.


(Ethan starts making out with Kimberly as “Isolation" by Joy Division begins playing. Cut to Ryan and Michael sitting in Michael’s room. They both look guilty and are staring into space. Then cut to them before, Michael is pouring his Focalin onto his dresser counting them one by one while smiling and Ryan is looking on, also smiling. Cut to Ryan and Sarah in Sarah’s room. Sarah is crying into Ryan’s chest while they’re sitting on her bed. Ryan kisses Sarah’s head. Sarah lifts her head from Ryan’s chest and looks at him. They start making out and Ryan tosses Sarah onto her bed and begins unbuckling his jeans. Cut to Jacob standing over Logan’s grave at night. He takes a joint out of his pocket and puts it in his mouth and lights it, inhales and exhales the smoke it. He then throws the joint on the grave and puts it out with his foot. Cut to Ryan and Michael pouring their respective bottles of pills down the toilet and flushing them. They look at each other, start laughing and leave the bathroom. Cut to Vincenzo, Giovanni and Benvolio in a jail cell together. Then cut to Mayor Sarandon trying to do push-ups in the middle of his living room. He painstakingly does five, but then falls to the floor on the sixth and breathes heavily. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly lying next to each other in bed after sex. Then cut to Ryan and Michael sitting at the booth at Bernie’s Grinders as the song ends)


MICHAEL: Do you think you could live with that, Ryan? Huh?


(Ryan looks down in deep thought. Fade to black)





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