The Donahues Episode 94

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Brennan hires a private eye to determine if Ryan is cheating, Jacob and Jordan are spied on at prom and Madeline feels like she’s drowning with Oliver

Submitted: May 20, 2013

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Submitted: May 20, 2013

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THE DONAHUES

 

“SUBMERGED”

 

TV-MA DLS

 

“Survivors would have us believe in a brilliance here, some bolt of truth forking across the water, an ultimate Light before all the lights go out, wouldn't you hope for a more leisurely review, an invisible hand turning the pages of an album- you up on a pony or blowing out candles in a conic hat?”

  • Billy Collins

 

(We start with Ethan and Kimberly sitting at their dinner table)

 

ETHAN: You know they’re going to impeach Obama, right?

 

KIMBERLY: Oh my God, no they aren’t! There is no proof he was involved in a Benghazi cover-up, the IRS discrimination or the AP Phone records scandal.

 

ETHAN: But did you see Commissioner Stevens testify yesterday? He was squirming around while Paul Ryan claimed his ass as a dependent.

 

KIMBERLY: Yeah, well, even a craven, melodramatic clock is right once in his life.

 

ETHAN: Yeah, well the IRS is still auditing me! And I think it’s because I’m a conservative! In fact, Commissioner Miller called me personally a month ago to tell me I was being audited! Who does that?!

 

KIMBERLY: I don’t think he’s auditing you because you’re a conservative, I think it’s because he’s friends with Mary Morrissey and you took too many deductions last year.

 

ETHAN: I hope Miller gets tarred and feathered by the TEA Party, just like the original tea partiers at Boston Harbor!
 

KIMBERLY: Except the tea partiers at Boston Harbor were younger and more forward-thinking. But it is ridiculous that Stevens honestly expects us to believe that the IRS had no political motivation when they were singling out these conservative groups. Commissioner Stevens was probably so angry that for once in his life, the same people who used to bully him in High School were actually in the right. And he’s not going to jail, he’s resigning next week to spend more time auditing his family.

 

ETHAN: Exactly! And then Attorney General Holder used his phony outrage shield against the people asking him why he insisted on finding out at what time AP reporters called trench coated informants in parking garages.

 

KIMBERLY: It’s because a year ago the AP leaked that a terrorist plot had been foiled even though the Justice Department wanted to keep it under wraps until it was politically convenient for them, so once the AP did it anyway, Holder wanted to get his revenge by seizing their phone records! This administration has prosecuted more whistleblowers than any administration ever! They have banned assault whistles, you need to go through a background check to get a whistle and there are more coaches in jail than ever before! Bradley Manning is losing his eyesight and having a delightful conversation with a brick wall right now because of this administration! How disappointing is all this?! Attorney General Holder seems, to me, to be bad for America!

 

ETHAN: …I love you.

 

(Ethan and Kimberly start making out, but then they stop when Jacob walks in wearing a suit)

 

JACOB: Ew, love and affection.

 

ETHAN: What about yours, kiddo? This Flo girl you’re going with is a real catch.

 

JACOB: Yeah, she’s shy though, so don’t take any pictures, please.

 

KIMBERLY: I’m going to take all the pictures I can, Jacob!

 

JACOB: NO! I mean, no, don’t, she’s bashful.

 

ETHAN: She’s a cutester. She’s a real leggy dame. She’s a firefly if I’ve ever seen one.

 

KIMBERLY: Where are you getting all these terms?

 

JACOB: The point is…we have to go. LET’S GO!

 

(Jordan comes in wearing a dress)

 

JORDAN: I’m ready!
 

KIMBERLY: I’m taking a picture, this is your prom!

 

(Kimberly takes out a camera and Jacob jumps in front of Jordan as she takes the picture)

 

JACOB: NO!

 

KIMBERLY: What is wrong with you!?
 

JACOB: Bye!
 

(Jacob and Jordan speed out of the house)

 

ETHAN: Wha-come on!

 

KIMBERLY: Jacob is so angsty lately!

 

ETHAN: It’s bizarre. What do you think is going on?

 

KIMBERLY: I don’t have a clue. But he’s being secretive. And that’s never good.

 

ETHAN: Yeah. We have to get to the bottom of this. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

 

KIMBERLY: That Jacob’s date’s name sounds fake?

 

ETHAN: What’s fake about her name?

 

KIMBERLY: Her name is Flo Nationwide. What the fuck kind of name is Flo Nationwide? It’s like he just watched a bunch of insurance commercials and came up with that.

 

ETHAN: That’s true. But what I was thinking is we need to hire a private eye to follow them to prom.

 

KIMBERLY: …Really?

 

ETHAN: Yes! We don’t have nearly enough control over our kids’ lives as we should, let’s show Jacob whose boss and find out what he’s up to. He could be dating this girl to pay off his debt to some farmer or something, I swear to God, it could be anything.

 

KIMBERLY: …Okay. I’ll look up a private eye right now.

 

ETHAN: Good.

 

(Kimberly opens her laptop and starts typing. Cut to Jacob and Jordan at the front entrance of the prom. Amy Blumenthal is operating the front table)

 

AMY: Hi there, kiddos! Do you have your tickets?

 

JACOB: Yes, ma’am.

 

(Jacob hands Amy their tickets and Amy takes the tickets and holds them up to the light)

 

AMY: Oh, kiddos, I’m not sure if these tickets are real.

 

JORDAN: They definitely are.

 

AMY: I don’t see the watermark, and I think they’re melting under the light.

 

JACOB: They don’t have a watermark, this isn’t money and there’s no way it’s melting.

 

(Amy puts down the tickets)

 

AMY: Do you want me to let you in?

 

JACOB: Yes!

 

AMY: Fine, I’ll let you in.

 

JACOB: Fine, but don’t act like those tickets weren’t real.

 

AMY: I’m letting you in!
 

JACOB: Oh my God.

 

(Jacob and Jordan walk in. Cut to a private eye in a parking garage. He’s wearing a trench coat and leaning against a pillar. Ethan and Kimberly walk up to him)

 

ETHAN: Hey, are you the private eye?

 

(The trench coated man stops leaning and faces Ethan and Kimberly)

 

PRIVATE EYE: Yeah. But I’m also a hitman.

 

KIMBERLY: Shit, really?

 

PRIVATE EYE: Well, I’m not a hitman in the traditional sense.

 

ETHAN: What do you mean you’re-(The private eye slaps Ethan, making him pause in shock for a second) what the hell was that?! (The Private eye holds up his hand again) NO! Don’t do it again, just explain yourself!

 

PRIVATE EYE: I’m a hitman in the sense that I will slap anyone you want for a price, excluding children and political figures. The price includes the cost of clean-up.

 

KIMBERLY: Why would there be any clean-up to slapping someone?

 

ETHAN: It doesn’t matter, we don’t want you to slap anyone for us, we want you to spy on our son and his date for prom. He’s being very secretive about her, we want to know what’s up.

 

PRIVATE EYE: Well that means I do too. What does your son and his date look like?

 

(Ethan takes out a picture of Jacob as a baby)

 

ETHAN: This picture is slightly out of date.

 

(Kimberly takes out a picture of a seventeen-year old Jacob)

 

KIMBERLY: This picture’s from 2011, but it’ll do.

 

ETHAN: Pick which one you want.

 

(The private eye takes Jacob’s 17 year old picture)

 

PRIVATE EYE: Okay, I can use this. What about his date?

 

KIMBERLY: We have no pictures of her, we don’t even know her real name, but you’ll know who she is when you see her canoodling with my son.

 

PRIVATE EYE: Is that like a, dance?

 

ETHAN: It means making noodles.

 

KIMBERLY: It’s neither, but you’ll know who she is.

 

PRIVATE EYE: Alright. I just need money.

 

ETHAN: How much?

 

PRIVATE EYE: Five-hundred dollars in ointment.

 

ETHAN: We’ll ship it to you.

 

KIMBERLY: I’m surprised that didn’t throw you off.

 

PRIVATE EYE: Deal.

 

ETHAN: Okay, what do you go by by the way?

 

PRIVATE EYE: Jodi Arias.

 

KIMBERLY: Ouch.

 

JODI: Yeah, say hello to my friend Detective George Zimmerman for me.

 

KIMBERLY: He’s in jail.

 

JODI: Yes, and we suffer together.

 

(The Jodi shakes hands with Ethan while Kimberly shrugs. Cut to Ryan and Brennan making out in Brennan’s room. Brennan pats down to Ryan’s pants and unbuttons them, zips down his zipper and works to pull them down. Then, Brennan notices cut marks on Ryan’s legs. He stops making out with Ryan for a second)

 

BRENNAN: Ryan, what are those?

 

RYAN: I fell down some stairs.

 

BRENNAN: Ryan.

 

RYAN: I did!

 

(Brennan pulls down his pants a little more to reveal more cuts)

 

BRENNAN: Ryan!

 

RYAN: Brennan, you don’t understand, these stairs were crazy, there was a door at the end of every step!

 

BRENNAN: Ryan, I’m not going to judge you, but at least be honest.

 

RYAN: Just go down on me and stop judging me for lying!

 

BRENNAN: But you did lie!
 

RYAN: And you’re judging me! Even though you said you wouldn’t!

 

BRENNAN: Whatever.

 

(Brennan goes down on Ryan, as Ryan looks up at the ceiling in pleasure. Cut to a POV shot of Ryan looking at the ceiling. A fan oscillates on it as everything turns a blue tint. Cut to Ryan and Brennan on a swing on Brennan’s back porch, swinging back and forth while holding hands)

 

BRENNAN: It’s beautiful out here.

 

(Dandelion fluffs are blown by the wind past Ryan and Brennan)

 

RYAN: What the hell were those?

 

BRENNAN: I don’t know.

 

RYAN: Do those mean spring has sprung? Or something?

 

BRENNAN: It’s a little late for that.

 

RYAN: Is that what it means though?

 

(Eight-year old Jeff Sanford walks out the back door with his eight-year old girlfriend)

 

JEFF: Hey fags.

 

RYAN: Nice to see you as well, Jeff.

 

JEFF: Ryan, have you met my girlfriend Corinne?

 

RYAN: I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure.

 

CORINNE: Hi, I’m Corinne.

 

RYAN: I’m Ryan.

 

JEFF: Corinne, stop flirting with him.

 

RYAN: Wow.

 

CORINNE: I wasn’t-

 

JEFF: Don’t argue, just apologize to Ryan and I.

 

RYAN: She didn’t do anything!

 

JEFF: Stay out of this, Ryan!

 

RYAN: You involved me in this! (Ryan gets a text and checks it)

 

CORINNE: I’m sorry, okay?

 

JEFF: Okay, good.

 

(Ryan’s text is from Sarah and it reads “I need you emo kid! Get your pasty white ass over here! MEOW!” Ryan puts the phone away)

 

RYAN: Um, I actually have to go, Brennan.

 

BRENNAN: Why’s that?

 

RYAN: I have an appointment I just remembered. It’s a memory appointment. They’re trying to improve my memory using…lasers.

 

BRENNAN: Okay. Text me when it’s through.

 

RYAN: Okay.

 

(Ryan kisses Brennan on the lips)

 

JEFF AND CORINNE: EWWW!

 

RYAN: Hey! Get used to it, when you guys are adults and we’re senile old men, gayness will be everywhere!
 

BRENNAN: We’re only ten years older than them.

 

RYAN: See ya, Brennan.

 

BRENNAN: See ya.

 

(Ryan walks out of the backyard through the back fence. Brennan looks suspicious)

 

CORINNE: He left suddenly.

 

BRENNAN: Shut up, Corinne.

 

JEFF: Yeah, Corinne!

 

(Cut to Sarah cuddling next to a black teddy bear with red eyes in her room. Ryan comes in and shuts the door and walks over to her)

 

RYAN: Nice Teddy bear.

 

SARAH: Thanks. I got it in D.C. at the conclave two and a half weeks ago.

 

RYAN: Did you know the emo teddy bear was named after emo Theodore Roosevelt?

 

(Sarah giggles)

 

SARAH: “Scream loudly and carry a big razor”.

 

(Ryan sits on the bed next to Sarah)

 

RYAN: What has that horse done as Cope anyway?

 

SARAH: He’s demanding someone shoot him in the leg. And then the anti-Cope Kevin is leading the burgeoning divide.

 

RYAN: I tend to believe I’m behind him.

 

SARAH: Yeah.

 

(Sarah starts making out with Ryan. Cut to Brennan talking to the private eye from earlier in the same parking garage)

 

BRENNAN: Okay, I suspect my boyfriend might be cheating on me.

 

JODI: That’s gay.

 

BRENNAN: I know, right?

 

JODI: No, I mean, like, your relationship is a gay relationship.

 

BRENNAN: Yeah, I understand. But like, still, if it’s true, he’s breaking a sacred contract!

 

JODI: Yeah, if this were France!

 

BRENNAN: In France, the only way you can break a contract is having sex with your maid’s maid behind your maid’s back, just go after him! I think he’s cheating on me with Sarah Blumenthal.

 

JODI: Oh, so he’s straight?

 

BRENNAN: He’s bi! It’s pretty easy to ascertain that! Here’s his picture. (Brennan hands the private eye a picture of Ryan passed out on the floor) Sometimes you’ll find him conscious, just so you know.

 

JODI: Thank you. Where is Ms. Blumenthal’s house?

 

BRENNAN: She lives at 1024 Island Street, Hansbay, Vermont.

 

JODI: Let me text that to myself. (He takes out his phone, punches in the address and sends the text, then puts his phone up) I will see if your boyfriend is committing the sin of adultery rather than committing the sin of homosexuality.

 

BRENNAN: Jesus. Anyway, just promise me this won’t be on Cheaters.

 

JODI: It won’t be. But I have been before.

 

BRENNAN: In what capacity?

 

JODI: I have four wives. None of them know each other and one of them is a dude.

 

BRENNAN: You’re kind of in a hypocritical line of work, but regardless, how much will this cost?
 

JODI: I have a teeny-bopper discount, so, two-hundred dollars.

 

BRENNAN: Goddamn. Well I guess I’ll just do what I do when I buy shit on iTunes, not ask my mom and just punch in her credit card number.

 

(Jodi lifts up his shirt and reveals a box drawn on his chest)

 

JODI: Just punch it in.

 

(Jodi hands Brennan a marker and Brennan takes out his credit card and starts writing the credit card number in the box. Cut to Madeline at her desk at the Stara institute. She is typing on a computer. Stan walks over and kneels down to talk to her)

 

STAN: Hey Maddie, I’ve got this vision. If we can hypnotize people long enough to steal their wallets-

 

(Madeline’s work phone rings)
 

MADELINE: Hold on, Stan. (Madeline picks up) Hello?

 

OLIVER: (Over the phone) Maddie? I just had a stroke!
 

MADELINE: WHAT?

 

OLIVER: Sorry! I meant to say I had a stroke of genius!

 

MADELINE: Wow, than say that!

 

OLIVER: I just came up with the best business idea since sliced business!

 

MADELINE: Why didn’t you call me on my cell phone?

 

OLIVER: Because you’re not supposed to take personal calls, right, babe?

 

MADELINE: Either way it’d be a personal call, listen, my boss is right here, can I call you back?

 

STAN: It’s okay, I’m going to have some warm milk and calm myself down.

 

MADELINE: (To Stan) You seem calm-(Stan walks away) Oliver, what is this about?

 

OLIVER: Maddie, I haven’t had an idea this good since Duplicit.

 

MADELINE: Duplicit was a foolhardy venture that began with delusion and ended with sabotage.

 

OLIVER: But this idea is the opposite! Hear me out. It’s an app that shows you what you would look like if your organs were all in the wrong place in your body!

 

MADELINE: Wow.

 

OLIVER: It would even show your face in complete agony!

 

MADELINE: Oliver, how and why would that work?

 

OLIVER: I’ve been talking with someone to work out the details-well, I haven’t yet, I came up with this idea while I was listening to your phone ring.

 

MADELINE: Wow, so why were you calling to begin with?

 

OLIVER: To tell you I love you.

 

MADELINE: Oh. Well, thank you, I love you too.

 

OLIVER: How long have we been dating?

 

MADELINE: Um, I want to say, five months?

 

OLIVER: Six months.

 

MADELINE: Okay, so you knew.

 

OLIVER: A week or so ago was our half year, we should do something tonight!

 

MADELINE: Okay, I’ll make a reservation. I’ll ask my mom if we can spend the money.

 

OLIVER: Terrific! I love you.

 

MADELINE: I love you too.

 

OLIVER: Love you, bye.

 

MADELINE: Yeah, I said that-

 

OLIVER: Love you, bye.

 

(Oliver hangs up and then Madeline hangs up. Cut to Oliver and Madeline at dinner in some mediocre restaurant with cowboy-esque kitsch everywhere)

 

MADELINE: This is all she said we could do. A theme restaurant.

 

OLIVER: It’s better than I imagined.

 

MADELINE: You must have a pretty limited imagination.

 

(Oliver laughs)

 

OLIVER: Yeah, well my app is not limited.

 

MADELINE: Yeah, Oliver, are you sure you want to pursue that?

 

OLIVER: You don’t like it?

 

MADELINE: I’m just not sure if the world’s…ready for it.

 

OLIVER: I have other ideas! I could create a whole app network! Madeline, Silicon Valley is calling our names.

 

MADELINE: Our names? Oliver, that’s a serious conversation.

 

(A waitress comes over)

 

WAITRESS: Madeline Donahue and Oliver Mulvaney?

 

OLIVER: See? Calling our names.

 

MADELINE: This waitress is not Silicon Valley. Although it is weird that she knows our full names.

 

OLIVER: What’s your name, sweetheart?

 

WAITRESS: I’m Candice.

 

OLIVER: What do you think of an app that-

 

MADELINE: STOP. We’d like to order.

 

WAITRESS: What would tickle your fancy, pardner?

 

(Madeline picks up the menu)

 

MADELINE: I’ll have the Roadhouse fried chicken and “shot the sheriff” sweet tea?

 

WAITRESS: Well that’s a mighty fine choice. Would you like shootin’ range potato bites or cactus crunchy fries with that?

 

MADELINE: You know, not everything has to have a theme.

 

WAITRESS: Nonsense!

 

(Cut to Jacob and Jordan dancing at prom. “Harlem Shake” is playing while a bunch of other people dance in the background)

 

JORDAN: IT FEELS LIKE FEBRUARY AGAIN!
 

(Cut to Trey in his suit, smiling while lightly slapping Colleen repeatedly to make a beat that follows along with the song. Colleen just takes it with a stoic expression)

 

TREY: YOU BET YOUR ASS IT DOES!

 

(Cut to Jacob, Jordan, Trey, Colleen, Preston and Natasha talking over at the punch table)

 

JACOB: Is none of this scary to you guys?

 

TREY: Scary? What’s there to be scared of, it’s just Colleen.

 

JACOB: What? No, I mean college and stuff.

 

COLLEEN: Trey, you’re such an asshole. Your name fits you too. You’re like a tray at a cafeteria, I’m just gonna throw you away.

 

NATASHA: You’re not supposed to do that, you know.

 

JORDAN: Those trays are reusable.

 

JACOB: Sorry, when did this turn into a conversation about Trey and Colleen? My question is, does anybody find the prospect of college scary?

 

JORDAN: Of course, I do.

 

PRESTON: I think I’ll get on famously in college.

 

JACOB: Aren’t you going to jail?

 

PRESTON: No, I was acquitted.

 

JACOB: That seems like a gross miscarriage of justice.

 

NATASHA: He’s my little gross miscarriage of justice.

 

(Natasha puts her head on Preston’s shoulder when Jodi comes over wearing a tuxedo, glasses and fake braces)

 

JODI: I’m so nervous!

 

JACOB: Sorry, who are you?

 

JODI: I’m little Stephen Cooper and this is my first prom and I’m scared.

 

JACOB: This is all of our first proms and there’s no way you’re a student, you look like you’re in your thirties.

 

JODI: My daddy said I age poorly. I swear, by the end of exams I had graying pubes.

 

JORDAN: Ew.

 

JODI: So, what are your guys’ names?

 

JACOB: I’m Jacob, this is Flo, this is Trey, Colleen, Preston and Natasha.

 

JODI: It’s nice to meet all of you. So listen, how dope is…gay marriage, huh? I think Wiz Khalifa is so epic.

 

TREY: I like this guy.

 

JORDAN: Really?

 

TREY: He seems to know his shit. I’m Trey.

 

COLLEEN: He’s Treeey.

 

JODI: I heard your name before.

 

(Roger and Beckett come over)

 

ROGER: Hey niggas, after this shindig is over with, you guys should come over to my house, I’m hosting a prom after party!

 

JORDAN: Does this count as a party? I think this might just be a waiting room for a party.

 

(Everybody laughs and Jacob rubs Jordan’s back)

 

COLLEEN: What time is it, Trey?

 

TREY: it’s eleven.

 

COLLEEN: Let’s go to that after-party. Tell the overweight Arab DJ that he can fuckin’ blow me.

 

TREY: HEY! (Pan to the overweight Arab DJ) COLLEEN SAYS YOU CAN BLOW HER!

 

OVERWEIGHT ARAB DJ: (Arab accent) Yeah, I get that a lot.

 

JODI: Can I go to this after party?

 

ROGER: Certainly, dawg. You seem like you can buy us alcohol.

 

JODI: I sure can.

 

JACOB: I vote yes, then.

 

(They all start walking towards the exit when they run into Principal Maxell, Mr. Pannell and Principal Duron)

 

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Well hello my darlings, hello my honeys, hello my ragtime gals.

 

PRINCIPAL DURON: Where are you guys going?

 

JACOB: We’re leaving. But I must say, you put on a wonderful prom for the graduating class of 2013.

 

JORDAN: Phenomenal, sir.

 

MR. PANNELL: You think we don’t know what you guys do? Getting your feet wet in this hotel ball room and then whisking yourselves away to your clandestine compotations and inebriated dalliances?

 

TREY: What does that mean?

 

JACOB: Are you talking about butt sex?

 

MR. PANNELL: No, why do people always think I’m talking about butt sex?

 

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: We’re just reminding you to be responsible. We’ve had too much death this school year.

 

ROGER: Yeah, we know. I knew Peter and Logan. They were good guys.

 

PRINCIPAL DURON: Stay safe.

 

JACOB: Yes sir.

 

(They walk past Duron, Maxell and Pannell. Cut to Jacob, Jordan, Colleen, Trey, Preston, Natasha, Roger, Beckett, Chris Hayes, Jodi, Jesse, Scott, a black kid, some slightly overweight chick and some skinny white chick all sitting around a bonfire in the large backyard of a mansion. Most of them are drinking beer)

 

JACOB: So, I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen you at school before, Stephen.

 

JODI: Oh, well, I’m from New Haven.

 

JORDAN: So why are you going to a prom in Vermont?

 

JODI: Well, I was visiting my grandma, but I couldn’t go back because of the New Haven line train collision, so I figured I’d see what Hansbay had to offer.

 

JACOB: …Interesting.

 

BLACK KID: Somebody should throw some more cardboard in that fire.

 

JESSE: I’ll do it.

 

(Jesse throws more cardboard in the fire and that livens it up)

 

JACOB: Perfect! I remember when I was a kid my parents would let me tend the fire when we went camping. So while Ryan rested his head on a rock for hours on end I would turn on our portable fan and try to blow the ambers towards him so he would stop being an emo bitch and go raid tents of their fish with me.

 

(They all laugh)

 

JORDAN: What are you, a bear?

 

BECKETT: That’s awesome, I used to throw frogs and shit in fires, when I was younger. Now I’ve moved on to goats. My uncle, who’s retarded, has a fuck ton of goats. But once they get sick, you have to dispose of ‘em somehow, how are you supposa’ do that other than fire?

 

JACOB: There are so many things wrong with what you’re saying right now-(The wind blows in Jacob’s direction and ambers fly towards Jacob, Jordan and some others as they cover their eyes and flinch) WHOA!

 

JORDAN: AHHH!

 

(The amber storm stops and they uncover their eyes)

 

JACOB: Wow, it’s nice to have a fire going, it really keeps you on your feet!

 

(Cut to Jodi pulling up to Sarah’s house. He gets out of the car and takes a dusty, black vacuum out of his trunk and walks up to the house and rings the doorbell. Amy opens the door)

 

AMY: Can I help you?

 

JODI: Hello there ma’am, I’m a representative for the Cooper Vacuum Company, may I please speak to the lady of the house?

 

AMY: This is her.

 

(Irville walks over)

 

IRVILLE: Who’s here, Amy?

 

AMY: This gentleman.

 

JODI: I need to speak to the younger lady of the house, if you don’t mind.

 

IRVILLE: You’re selling a black, dusty vacuum?

 

JODI: Yes, it’s an…investment. Can I speak to Sarah?

 

AMY: She’s not here.

 

JODI: I’m actually a teacher of hers, I need to talk about to her about her grades.

 

IRVILLE: Then why do you have a vacuum?

 

(Jodi throws the vacuum in the bushes)

 

JODI: I don’t!

 

AMY: Can’t argue with that.

 

IRVILLE: Sarah isn’t here.

 

JODI: Do you have any idea where she is?

 

AMY: She went with her friend Ryan to Hansbay Town Center or something.

 

JODI: Okay, thank you.

 

IRVILLE: Have a good day.

 

JODI: You as well.

 

(Irville and Amy close the door and Jodi walks down the path back to his car, when he notices a business card on the ground. He picks it up and it says “Quality Inn- Colchester, Vermont, ‘It’s a hotel!’”. He turns it to the back and it says in handwriting “Meet me here at seven, room 10B, even though we’re already hanging out and I could just tell you with my words. MEOW!” Jodi smiles. He puts the card in his pocket and gets in the car and drives off. Cut to Sarah on a bed in a hotel, anxiously waiting. Ryan comes in)

 

RYAN: How did you pay for this hotel room?

 

SARAH: I just entered my mom’s credit card number.

 

RYAN: Oh, okay.

 

(Ryan gets on the bed with Sarah)

 

SARAH: I’ve been watching a lot of Hiroshima High lately. It’s this anime about all these Japanese girls who swoon about boys and know karate and have telekinetic abilities and go to a High School in Hiroshima, Japan, but the series is ended suddenly in the middle of the second season because the US drops the bomb.

 

RYAN: Wow, that’s dark.

 

SARAH: It’s so great.

 

RYAN: Yeah, is it on Netflix?

 

SARAH: It’s on GookTube, by the way, you have a string hanging from your crotch on your skinny jeans.

 

(Pan to a black thread hanging from Ryan’s black skinny jeans’ crotch area)

 

RYAN: I’ve noticed that, but what am I supposed to do about it?

 

SARAH: Pull the string out!

 

RYAN: Wouldn’t that make my pants come undone?

 

SARAH: (Laughs) That’s not how threading works! It’s not all one string!

 

(Ryan starts tickling Sarah and she laughs)

 

RYAN: Yes it is! Yes it is!

 

SARAH: (Laughing) Stop!

 

(Ryan begins making out with Sarah when someone knocks on the door. Ryan takes his lips off of Sarah’s face)

 

RYAN: Who is it?!

 

PERSON: (Off screen) Complimentary dinner!

 

SARAH: Huh?

 

(Ryan gets up and opens the door to see Jodi dressed as a bell hop standing next to a cart with a tray covered by a lid)

 

JODI: Why hello sir, someone who admired the cut of your gib downstairs sent this complimentary dinner your way, free of charge!

 

RYAN: Can they see my gib?

 

JODI: Well your pants are rather tight, and personally, I don’t blame them.

 

RYAN: Neither do I, but this seems suspicious.

 

JODI: Well, I’m sure you will enjoy this meal. (He lifts up the lid to reveal a small chicken) How about that?

 

RYAN: That looks delicious, although it’s a pretty sparse meal.

 

JODI: Oh, are you with somebody? I can get more food.

 

RYAN: Who’s asking?

 

JODI: Just this ol’ nosy bell hop.

 

RYAN: Since when do bell hops serve meals?

 

JODI: I’m also the hotel’s mechanic, mind if I come in and fix your shower head?

 

(Ryan closes the door and locks it. He turns around and start sweating. He closes his eyes and his heart beats faster and faster, louder and louder. He starts hyperventilating and he goes into the bathroom and splash water in his face. He then closes the sink’s drain, pours some Monster into the sink and splashes some of that in his face. Cut to outside the door. Jodi sighs and pushes the cart away. Cut to Sarah coming into the bathroom to see Ryan over the sink, breathing heavily)

 

SARAH: Is everything okay, Ry-Ry?

 

RYAN: …Yeah. Well, no. I think the guy at the door was a private eye.

 

SARAH: What do you mean?

 

RYAN: I mean Brennan hired a private eye to see if I was cheating, that guy at the door was trying to get it out of me that I had someone here!

 

SARAH: Are you sure you aren’t being a little paranoid?

 

RYAN: Sarah, the time that I thought the CIA was putting fluoride in the water to benefit the dental industry, THAT was paranoid, this is an actual possibility! I mean, have we been as discreet as we should be?

 

SARAH: I haven’t told a soul.

 

RYAN: Well, we need to get out of here. We’ll leave fifteen minutes apart. Put on a floppy hat, red trench coat, sun glasses and high heels.

 

SARAH: But I wanted to cuddle!

 

(Ryan turns around and faces Sarah)

 

RYAN: And I wanted you to yell about how much you want my cock last time we had sex, but we can’t all get what we want!

 

SARAH: That only happens in porn, girls hate the word cock.

 

RYAN: Just trust me, okay?

 

SARAH: …Okay. Will we talk more later?

 

RYAN: Yes. (Ryan kisses Sarah) It’s 7:15, leave at 7:30.

 

(Ryan hugs Sarah and then he leaves the hotel room. Cut to another private eye standing on the median between two busy roads, as cars zip by, making his trench coat flail in the wind. Ryan walks up to him)

 

RYAN: (Yelling over traffic noises) KIND OF AN ODD MEETING PLACE, IS IT NOT?

 

PRIVATE EYE 2: MOST PRIVATE EYES MEET IN PARKING GARAGES, SO I DECIDED TO BE ORIGINAL AND GO TO THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF A PARKING GARAGE! A KINETIC ROADWAY!

 

RYAN: GREAT! WHAT DO I CALL YOU?

 

PRIVATE EYE 2: MY NAME’S DUSTY ALLEN!

 

RYAN: SOUNDS LIKE A SEX POSITION! OR A DANCE! OR A DRINK!

 

DUSTY ALLEN: IT’S ALL THREE!

 

RYAN: OKAY! ANYWAY, I NEED YOU TO SPY ON SOMEONE TO SEE IF THEY’RE SPYING ON ME!

 

DUSTY ALLEN: HOW DO YOU MEAN?

 

RYAN: I SUSPECT MY BOYFRIEND HIRED A PRIVATE EYE TO SEE IF I WAS CHEATING, I NEED YOU TO SPY ON A GUY I’M SUSPECTING SPIES ON ME! HERE’S A SKETCH OF THE PERP!

 

(Ryan hands Dusty an anime sketch of Jodi, which Dusty looks at)

 

DUSTY ALLEN: OH, I SEE! WELL, (He puts the sketch in his pocket) THAT WILL COST YOU!

 

RYAN: HOW MUCH ARE YOU THINKING?!

 

DUSTY ALLEN: 10,000 ZIMBABWEAN DOLLARS!

 

RYAN: SO, THIRTY BUCKS?

 

DUSTY ALLEN: YEAH!

 

(Ryan takes out his wallet. Cut to Madeline’s dorm room. The door unlocks and Madeline and Oliver walk in)

 

OLIVER: Maddie, Silicon Valley in the 2010s is like Madison Avenue in the 1960s or Wall Street in the 1980s or Skid Row in the 1930s, it’s the glamorous profession of its time! OUR time!

 

(Madeline closes the door and locks it, then walks over to the couch and sits down with Oliver)

 

MADELINE: I know, but I’m only nineteen and I don’t know if I’m ready to move too far away from New England. My family’s but a Rhode Island’s throw away from here.

 

OLIVER: But when you finish college, we can evaluate where we are, long-term.

 

MADELINE: Okay. We can cross that bridge when we come to it.

 

(Madeline gets up, grabs her laptop and retreats into her room, shutting the door, leaving Oliver looking discontented. Oliver gets up and walks into Madeline’s room and closes the door to see Madeline on her laptop on her bed)

 

OLIVER: Whatever happened to Cameron?

 

MADELINE: Cameron dropped out of college and I moved in with you, remember?

 

OLIVER: Oh yeah. How is Cameron these days?

 

MADELINE: I don’t know.

 

(Oliver walks over and sits by Madeline on the bed)

 

OLIVER: So what are you doing?

 

MADELINE: Um, I’m on Facebook.

 

OLIVER: Likin’ stuff?

 

MADELINE: I guess.

 

OLIVER: What kind of stuff?

 

(Madeline sighs and sits up straight)

 

MADELINE: I don’t know, statuses.

 

OLIVER: About what?

 

MADELINE: Oh my God, what are you trying to get at?

 

OLIVER: I’m just talking to you, Maddie, calm down.

 

MADELINE: We spoke at dinner, didn’t we?

 

OLIVER: Jesus, Maddie, if you want me to leave you alone, just say it!

 

MADELINE: Yes, Oliver, I would like to be left alone, just for a second.

 

OLIVER: Fine!

 

(Oliver stands up and marches out of the room as Madeline rubs her temple. Cut to Madeline in the break room at the Stara Institute, drinking coffee and talking to Kelsey)

 

KELSEY: So are you done with school for the year?

 

MADELINE: I’m going to take summer classes, but yes, I’m done. Now I’ll be able to work more hours here.

 

KELSEY: Exciting! I’ll show you how we do things in Providence.

 

MADELINE: Is it that different from how we do things in Warwick?

 

KELSEY: Providence is like a mythical place to some people.

 

MADELINE: Who?

 

KELSEY: People! They think it’s like Narnia except with fucked up roads.

 

MADELINE: Yeah, no shit. Who the fuck designed this city?

 

KELSEY: Regardless, the night life here is pretty bapp.

 

MADELINE: …Sorry?

 

KELSEY: I said the night life here is pretty bapp.

 

(The word “bapp” echoes in Madeline’s mind. Cut to a close-up of Madeline’s face as she contemplates the word)

 

MADELINE: Where have I heard that term before? Bapp. Bapp. Bapp. (Cut to Madeline in April 2012 sitting across from Dirk Jameson at Bernie’s Grinders. Then quickly cut back) Where have I heard that?

 

STAN: (Offscreen) Madeline.

 

(Madeline snaps out of it and looks in front of herself to see Stan is standing where Kelsey once stood)

 

MADELINE: Wow, where did you come from?

 

STAN: I uh, walked here.

 

MADELINE: Heh. Of course. Um, how can I help you?

 

STAN: I want you to create a forty-page questionnaire for our patients by Monday. Can you do that?

 

MADELINE: My, that’s uh, that’s a lot, but I can do it.

 

STAN: Good. Make sure some of the questions aren’t actually questions, and really just tacit insinuations about their sex lives, okay?

 

MADELINE: Yes sir.

 

STAN: Good.

 

(Stan starts to walk away when Madeline puts her hand on his hand on the counter)

 

MADELINE: Hold on! (Stan turns back) I um, I might actually need some help wrapping my head around this questionnaire when it comes to beginning it. Maybe we could head in your office and give me a head start? Head?

 

STAN: Sure. Come on in.

 

(Madeline walks into Stan’s office and Stan heads in there as well. Stan closes the door. Cut to Roger’s backyard. There is a pool and a Jacuzzi and the bonfire is in the background. Scott and the skinny white chick are in the Jacuzzi, Trey, the black guy, Preston, Natasha, Jordan, Jodi and the slightly overweight chick are in the pool while Roger, Beckett and Chris Hayes are outside the pool talking in a group while Jacob and Jesse are talking alone in away from Roger’s group. Cut to Trey’s group in the pool)

 

BLACK GUY: Colleen! Want to play Marco Polo?

 

COLLEEN: I would, Leif, if Trey would stop pretending to drown me!

 

TREY: Keep dreamin’ sweetheart!

 

(Trey puts Colleen’s head underwater as she struggles and eventually lets her go)

 

COLLEEN: YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE, TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

 

LEIF: Goddamn, she said your name for a long-ass time.

 

TREY: The longer she says my name, the angrier she is.

 

(Cut to Roger’s group)

 

ROGER: Hey Chris, why don’t you take a dip in the pool?

 

CHRIS HAYES: I’m too drunk, that’s why!

 

BECKETT: (Laughs) Dude, fuck off, Trey told us all about how you acted at Cooper’s party three months ago.

 

ROGER: (Laughing) Nigga’s afraid to swim!

 

(They both keep laughing)

 

CHRIS HAYES: I’m not afraid. I just like to blaze up on dry land is all.

 

ROGER: Well, dry land is how I would describe the vagina of every girl who’s ever seen you!

 

(Roger and Beckett laugh and push Chris Hayes into the pool, much to his terror)

 

CHRIS HAYES: NOOO!!!! (He flails around in the water) THIS IS SO UN-CHILL!

 

(Chris Hayes flails his way to the steps and gets out of the pool, marching off-screen while Roger and Beckett continue to laugh. Cut to Jesse talking to Jacob. Jesse is smoking a cigarette and talking to Jacob)

 

JESSE: You know what doesn’t exist in music anymore?

 

JACOB: What’s that?

 

JESSE: Communication.

 

JACOB: How so?

 

JESSE: There is none. They’ve summed it up to the tip of the iceberg, do you know what I mean?

 

JACOB: I’m not following.

 

JESSE: I mean, there’s a difference between theory and process, right? Where’s the disconnect here? Do you understand?

 

JACOB: Sure.

 

JESSE: You know what I’ve noticed?

 

JACOB: I couldn’t imagine.

 

JESSE: I can’t get girls without being a bit of an asshole.

 

JACOB: Really?

 

JESSE: Yeah. I mean, it’s a delicate salad, you’ve got to pepper in some kindness, backhanded compliments, backhanded slaps to the ass at demeaning times and of course, backhanded insults. The point is, to court a woman, you have to be-

 

JACOB: Backhanded.

 

JESSE: Exactly.

 

JACOB: Got it.

 

JESSE: I mean, how often do you see nice guys with hot chicks on their arms?

 

JACOB: Not often is the response you want, right?

 

JESSE: Yes.

 

JACOB: Okay, then, that’s my response.

 

(Cut to the pool. Leif is making out with the slightly overweight chick while Preston and Natasha are talking and Jordan and Jodi are also talking)

 

JODI: So, where are you from?

 

JORDAN: I’m from, Miami. I moved here in 2005.

 

JODI: Well, what does Miami stand for?

 

JORDAN: …Miami.

 

JODI: Oh. (Under his breath) I thought that would be a clue.

 

JORDAN: What’s that?

 

JODI: (Normal talking) Nothing, nothing. I’m going to swim over there. (Jodi goes underwater and swims towards the steps, but looks back and sees Jordan’ panties. They have here name “JORDAN DEFAZIO” on the tag. He goes above water) Score!

 

(Jodi gets out of the pool. Cut to Jacob and Jordan in one of Roger’s closets)

 

JORDAN: This is all-too familiar.

 

JACOB: Yeah. It’s bizarre that Roger’s parents are so rich.

 

JORDAN: Yeah, I don’t think this closet has a ceiling.

 

(Jacob chuckles and Jordan undoes his button and zipper)

 

JACOB: Whoa, what are you doing?

 

JORDAN: I’m ready.

 

JACOB: Jordan, you’re drunk, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.

 

JORDAN: Don’t worry about it! I’m ready!

 

JACOB: …Okay. (Jacob smiles) Go ahead.

 

(Jordan wraps her mouth around Jacob’s dick and then takes her mouth off of it)

 

JORDAN: Because it’s like, this is my moment, I’m ready, I feel so confident that I can do this.

 

JACOB: Great. So, do it.

 

JORDAN: I will! Because like-

 

(Jordan puts her mouth back on Jacob’s dick and tries to say stuff, but it’s all coming out muffled and incomprehensible)

 

JACOB: Jordan, I can’t understand what you’re saying, just focus on the task at hand. Or, mouth, rather.

 

JORDAN: (Muffled) Sorry.

 

(Jordan starts sucking, but Jacob is visibly uncomfortable)

 

JACOB: Eeh, less teeth, Jordan.

 

JORDAN: (Muffled) Sorry.

 

(She keeps sucking)

 

JACOB: Urgh, okay, oh… (He cringes) God, okay, keep trying. Keep on trying-OH! Ow.

 

(Jordan takes her mouth off)

 

JORDAN: Are you getting soft?

 

JACOB: NO! Sorry, just keep going, less teeth, less, cold saliva.

 

JORDAN: How can I control the temperature of my saliva?

 

JACOB: Just continue. (Jordan goes back down on Jacob and continues sucking) Careful, careful. Careful, careful. Ohhh…okay, getting it a little bit-OW! No, that’s okay, oh, Jesus…

 

(Cut to Madeline in Stan’s office. They’re sitting behind his desk, looking at the paper)

 

STAN: So, the third question should probably be, “how often do you sleep at night?”

 

MADELINE: Can I ask you a question?

 

STAN: You may.

 

MADELINE: Where are you from?

 

STAN: Oh, I’m from Iowa.

 

MADELINE: Like Captain Kirk.

 

STAN: (Chuckles) Yes, with less lens flares.

 

MADELINE: Very good.

 

(Madeline puts her hand on Stan’s and Stan lifts his hand up)

 

STAN: What are you doing?

 

MADELINE: I’m-I don’t-

 

STAN: I think there’s been a misunderstanding here. And I think you can work on this project by yourself.

 

MADELINE: I’m sorry, I…

 

STAN: Go ahead.

 

MADELINE: Okay.

 

(Madeline, on the verge of tears, takes her packet and walks out of the door. When she shuts it, she starts to tear up, and she runs into the bathroom. Cut to Jodi and Dusty sitting next to each other in a subway station, both reading The Hansbay Quintessential, one with the headline “Deficit plunges 32% due to tax hikes on the rich and Fannie and Freddie support, proletariat rejoice now that income inequality is solved forever” and the other has the headline “Nancy Grace is an awful, awful human being, also Jodi Arias may be given the death penalty” along with a sub-headline that says “This woman drowned in her own cookies” and a picture that shows a pile of cookies with a woman’s arm sticking out of it. Both private eyes put down their newspapers, fold them up and lay them aside simultaneously and look around. Fade to black)

 

THE END


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