The Donahues Episode 95

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan hires a private eye to determine if Brennan hired a private eye to determine if Ryan was cheating, Jacob must return Jordan to her family and Madeline checks in with Kyle while in a rough spot with Oliver

Submitted: May 24, 2013

A A A | A A A

Submitted: May 24, 2013









“Survivors would have us believe in a brilliance here, some bolt of truth forking across the water, an ultimate Light before all the lights go out, wouldn't you hope for a more leisurely review, an invisible hand turning the pages of an album- you up on a pony or blowing out candles in a conic hat?”

  • Billy Collins


(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly and Jodi sitting at a kitchen table on Sunday afternoon)


JODI: I have discovered using my skills as a private detective that this girl you’re dealing with, Jordan DeFazio, is a runaway. (Ethan and Kimberly gasp) She’s been on the run since the night of April 14th.




JODI: Quite.


KIMBERLY: What is she doing with Jacob?!


JODI: She’s probably willingly hiding out with him. Being housed here, being fed here, the works. Your son is aiding and abetting a runaway. And that’s all there is to it. I wish there were more, because I could really tug on your heart strings if I knew this poor girl’s story. Maybe I could get an Emmy.


ETHAN: I am FUCKING livid right now. When is that little asshole getting back?


KIMBERLY: He went to the store an hour ago, he should be back any time.


JODI: Well, I guess I’ll stick around to see the sparks fly. (Jodi turns around and looks into the camera) Just like those ambers emanating from the bon fire of that prom after party, this hair-brained scheme of hiding a leggy dame from her parents was about to blow right back in Jacob’s face-


KIMBERLY: Why are you narrating this?


(Jodi turns around)


JODI: I’m a private investigator, it’s my job.


ETHAN: In film noir it is, but this is, reality!




ETHAN: Like, you’re a weirdo! Why is virtually everyone we come in contact with so strange?


KIMBERLY: I don’t know.


(Cut to Jacob and Jordan in the car, driving back from the grocery store)


JORDAN: Listen, I know the blowjob from last night was awkward.


JACOB: Jordan, it’s fine. You’re a beginner.


JORDAN: Yeah, but I still feel bad. What was I doing wrong?


JACOB: I think I pointed out to you what you were doing wrong during several anguished cries in the process of you fellating me.


JORDAN: Could you condense it though? Maybe like, send me a PowerPoint?


JACOB: Sure. (Jacob parks the car) Hide in the back until I can find an opportunity to bring you inside. (Jordan jumps into the back of Jacob’s car, which he parked on the street outside his house. Jacob gets out, gets groceries from the back of the car, shuts the door and walks inside to see Ethan, Kimberly and Jodi at the dinner table) Stephen?!


JODI: No, Jacob. Private Investigator Jodi Arias.


(Jacob drops the groceries and stands, shocked)


JACOB: Jesus.




KIMBERLY: This is FUCKING inexcusable!


(Jacob starts sweating)


JACOB: Um, let me explain.


ETHAN: Please do!


(Jacob sits down)


JACOB: First of all, how did you find out Jordan’s name?


JODI: That’s hardly your business.


KIMBERLY: It’s completely irrelevant Jacob, tell us what happened.


JACOB: Okay, okay! It was April 15th of last month. I was working at Toys R Us when some noises were heard in the storage room in the back. Mr. Silver, believing it to be some sort of vermin, sent me in there armed with an oversized Crayola marker. Long story short, I knocked some boxes to the side and discovered a crying runaway there with blonde hair, a torn dress of the finest velvet and a soul as pure as silk.


ETHAN: This is not making a long story short.


JACOB: Sorry. So, she told me, eventually, that her parents were verbally and physically abusive to her, so I agreed to take her in, to save here, I had good intentions, I was just a fool!


KIMBERLY: How the hell do you even know that she’s telling the TRUTH?! She could claim to live here for Christ’s sakes, Jacob!


ETHAN: Kimmy, she could have abusive parents, let’s not just assume she’s lying, but let’s leave that up to the police.


JACOB: How? It’s their word against hers! He said she said!


JODI: He has makes a valid point.

KIMBERLY: Just give us a second! Jacob, tell her to film the times that it happens. What you need to do is tell Jordan to go home and say she never knew ye!




ETHAN: Just do it! They don’t know who you are, right?


JACOB: Well…




JACOB: They don’t know my name! But we ran into them outside of the house once and we bolted, so they saw my face.






JODI: We’ve all been there.


KIMBERLY: Stop, stop defending him! Okay?


ETHAN: Jacob, this is not a goddamn Lifetime original! This is a Jacob Donahue original fuck up!


JODI: You know, I could go slap these parents.


JACOB: Who is this guy?!


ETHAN: He’s the guy who found your ass out!


JODI: (Under his breath) And found Jordan’s ass out.


ETHAN: What?


JODI: (Regular voice) Nothing.


ETHAN: Okay, well, where does Jordan leave?


JODI: She lives in Fairfax, Vermont.


ETHAN: My advice? Tell Jordan to leave immediately and stay the fuck away from Fairfax.


KIMBERLY: She won’t tell her parents about you?


JACOB: She doesn’t tell her parents anything.


ETHAN: OH! You know SO much about her, don’t you?!


JACOB: Haven’t I suffered enough?!


(Cut to Jordan sitting in the back of Jacob’s car. Jacob walks up to the window, taps on it, and Jordan opens the door and sits up)


JORDAN: Hey, what’s up?


JACOB: Jordan, you have to go back home.


JORDAN: What do you mean!?


JACOB: My parents hired a private eye, he was that Stephen guy from Roger’s party, you need to go home, don’t mention my name, address, any of my family or anything about me, just go home.


(Jordan starts crying)


JORDAN: They found us out?!


(Jacob hugs Jordan)


JACOB: Shhh. Yes they did. It sucks, but we had to have known this wouldn’t last forever. Try to prove their abuse to the authorities.


JORDAN: Can’t we just run away together?!


JACOB: No, Jordan, I’ve already made my fair share of bad decisions in the last month.


JORDAN: is this because I gave a bad blowjob?!

JACOB: Oh my God, of course not!


JORDAN: How the fuck am I going to get home?! How can I face my parents?!


JACOB: I’ll take you to your neighborhood, but you’ll have to walk the rest of the way.


(Jordan cries even more into Jacob’s chest. Cut to Ryan in his car in the Hansbay High Parking lot. He’s head banging to some screamo. Cut to Jodi at the Pharmacy across from Hansbay High, using a pair of binoculars to watch Ryan. He gets bored and walks inside the Pharmacy. He goes up to the counter to see Dusty the Private eye in a drug store outfit)


JODI: Could I get a pack of L&Ms, please?


DUSTY: Sure, sure. I saw you with your binoculars out there, what are you up to?


JODI: I’m bird watching, could you get those cigarettes please? I have money.


DUSTY: I don’t know, bird watching’s bad for you.


JODI: And cigarettes are good for me, could I have some, please?


DUSTY: There really aren’t any interesting birds in Hansbay, why are you bird watching around here?


JODI: Wait a minute. Are you spying on me?


DUSTY: Pardon?


JODI: Who hired you?


DUSTY: I have no idea what you’re talking about.


JODI: You wanna go Spy Versus Spy, motherfucker? I’ll happily oblige. But first I gotta tell you something. I’ve been spying since you were twenty-five!


DUSTY: Okay, so about as long as I have.


JODI: Maybe so, but regardless, I’ve private eyed some seriously huge cases! The case of the mongrel mugging, the case of the dog taking the leak on the neighbor’s son, the case of the son taking the leak on the mongrel’s dog! You name it!


(Pan to reveal there’s a line of two people behind Jodi)


MAN: Sorry, there are other people here, you know!


JODI: You’ll never get away with this! (Jodi walks away and walks to a door leading to the bathrooms, but he hesitates. He sees water dripping down from the top of the door. Cut to the other side of the door, there is water perched firmly atop it) Sly son of a bitch. He wants to play Spy versus Spy? Oh, I’ll play Spy Versus Spy alright! Time for my first trap!


(Jodi runs over to Dusty, who’s behind the counter scanning items. Jodi punches Dusty in the face and then the two start wrestling on the ground, much to the astonishment of the assorted customers)




(Cut to Ryan in his car, rocking out. Brennan taps on the window next to him and Ryan looks over and is startled by Brennan’s presence)


RYAN: AHH! (Brennan laughs) Hey!


BRENNAN: Hey. (Brennan gets in on the passenger side) Let’s go to lunch.


RYAN: Uh, sure. Cool. Let’s go. Where do you want to go?


BRENNAN: I don’t know, I had Mexican yesterday.


RYAN: I didn’t say we should go to a Mexican place.


BRENNAN: How about Uncle Stanley’s All-American Taco Breakfast?


RYAN: I’ve never liked the name of that place, how are tacos all-American? Also, didn’t you say you had Mexican yesterday?


BRENNAN: I want it again!

(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: Okay! We’ll go there. Are they open for lunch?


BRENNAN: Yeah, why would I be proposing it otherwise?


RYAN: It’s called “All-American Taco Breakfast”.


BRENNAN: Let’s just go.


RYAN: Fine.


(Ryan starts the car and they start driving. Cut to Ryan and Brennan at Uncle Stanley’s All-American Taco Breakfast. Brennan is eating a taco while Ryan is drinking Mountain Dew from a cup)


BRENNAN: Are you seriously not going to eat anything?


RYAN: Sorry, did we just meet?


BRENNAN: God, you still have the eating in front of people anxiety? I got over that months ago.


RYAN: I’m sorry, it doesn’t go away as easily for me.


BRENNAN: Well, you should get over it.


RYAN: It’s not that easy.


BRENNAN: Then make it that easy!


RYAN: Why are you being so colic today?!


(Brennan takes a deep breath)


BRENNAN’S INNER MONOLOGUE: You don’t have any evidence yet. Restrain yourself until the evidence comes in. Even if just thinking about it makes you want to slam his head into the table and bludgeon it with the napkin dispenser, just breathe…


RYAN: Are you okay?


BRENNAN: I’M FINE! I need to use the little emo’s room.


(Brennan gets up and walks away, leaving Ryan looking anxious)


RYAN’S INNER MONOLOGUE: Does he know? How could he possibly know? Oh yeah, the private eye. But I haven’t received confirmation of that. Maybe this is one of his moods. He gets those sometimes. God, I hate this inner monologue. (Jay Leno impression) Hey, did you hear about that Mayor in Toronto who smokes crack? Here I thought hockey players had those teeth because of the fighting! HA HA! Now THAT’S an inner monologue I can respect. I wish I had an inner band to play off my jokes. Hey! Did you hear about this? Dogs are, eating each other! It’s a dog eat dog world! Ehh, that was bad. That’s not even a true story. If he knew, he would say something. Jesus, maybe he just suspects. Or maybe he’s also fucking Sarah. Oh God, why am I doing this to him? I feel guilty. Maybe I should just come clean on Sarah’s back-DAMNIT!


(Ryan starts hyperventilating)




(Ryan runs out of the restaurant. Cut to Madeline driving in her car, listening to NPR)


NPR RADIO HOST: Allegedly, metal singer Tim Lambesis asked an undercover hitman to kill his wife while he had the children. The request is reportedly on audio tape. According to sources, Mr. Lambesis’ defense will be that the state’s case is too good to be true and that there is too much evidence. This is NPR. That news source your pretentious friend cites ten times in the course of a conversation. In other news, the citizens of Oklahoma and Texas continue to struggle with the horrific tornados that tore through Moore on Monday and North Texas last week. If you would like to aid the victims of the Oklahoma and Texas disasters, please go to or donate to the American Red Cross.


(Madeline turns down her radio and pulls up to Kyle’s apartment complex in Newport. She gets out of the car and walks up to Kyle’s door. She pauses there, then knocks on the door. Cut to Kyle in his apartment, on his computer. He looks at his door)




MADELINE: It’s me.






(Kyle furrows his brow and gets up and goes over to open the door to see Madeline)


KYLE: Maddie?




KYLE: Madeline, what are you doing here? I haven’t seen you in over two months.


MADELINE: I know, I uh…I wanted to talk.


KYLE: About what?


MADELINE: A lot of things. Can I come in?


KYLE: Of course. (Madeline comes in and Kyle shuts the door. Madeline sits down on his couch and Kyle sits down with her) What’s going on? Please tell me it’s benign.


MADELINE: Kyle, what you did in March was awful.


KYLE: …I know.


MADELINE: Like, really shitty dick move.


KYLE: I know, I know.


MADELINE: Why did you do it?


KYLE: I was jealous of Oliver, I wanted you, I didn’t think he deserved you.


MADELINE: You thought ruining his company would attract me?!


KYLE: I don’t know! It was the heat of three months.


MADELINE: That’s a pretty long heat, there was a lot of time to think about what you were doing.


KYLE: Listen, I didn’t come here to be admonished!

MADELINE: This is your apartment!

KYLE: So did you just come here to admonish me?!


MADELINE: No! But I figured I’d get it out of the way.


KYLE: Before you told me that Oliver is totally facacta and that I’m your kholem?


MADELINE: That’s a lot of Yiddish.


KYLE: I’m not even half done, luftmensch.


MADELINE: I’m not leaving Oliver, okay? But I don’t want to lose contact with you.


KYLE: Well, you have my Skype.


MADELINE: Oliver deleted you on Skype.


KYLE: What the hell?!


MADELINE: You ruined his company!

KYLE: Oh yeah. Well, don’t you have Skype?


MADELINE: No, I don’t.


KYLE: Well, you should get one. I also have a Tumblr that you should check out.


MADELINE: Didn’t Yahoo just buy them?


KYLE: Yeah and even though I won’t notice anything different, I HATE it!


(Madeline laughs)


MADELINE: Well I’ll be sure to check it out anyway.


KYLE: Please do, I share mostly my views on life, some videos of sports I totally play and of course, business ideas and trade secrets.


MADELINE: They’re not trade secrets if you’re posting them on Tumblr.


KYLE: Nobody follows my Tumblr. I figure I could make then follow by enticing them with trade secrets. Did you know that before they kill a chicken and sell its meat to a grocery store, they make sure it has copulated with at least one rat?


MADELINE: There’s no way that’s true.


KYLE: But it enticed you! Follow my Tumblr!


MADELINE: Fine! I’ll follow it.


KYLE: Cool. So, how are things with Oliver?


MADELINE: I don’t know, he’s ambitious, certainly, but I think he should scale back a little bit until he’s out of college, I don’t want him to fail again like he did with Duplicit.


KYLE: But that was my doing.


MADELINE: You drowned the baby in the bath tub before the baby grew up to be a toddler and tripped into a well and starved to death.


KYLE: Wow, you’ve thought about that line for a long time.


MADELINE: Yeah, the idea never made sense to begin with. But now he has this idea for an app that allows you to see what you would look like if your organs were in the wrong places in your body. He’s quite passionate about it.


KYLE: Well, maybe he’ll be the next Steve Jobs someday, forcing suicidal Chinese drones to work 27 hours a day meticulously building phones and avoiding taxes by placing corporate income in Irish sheep stomachs.


MADELINE: The Silicon Valley dream. I don’t know, he never seems to be very interested in my work.


KYLE: What’s your work?


MADELINE: I may not have told you about it, but I work at the Stara Institute in Providence, we specialize in hypnosis work.


KYLE: Oh, that’s really cool actually. Do you talk to Oliver about it?


MADELINE: I try to, but I don’t know if he gives a shit. He says he supports me, but he’s preoccupied.


KYLE: You’re speaking pretty candidly.


MADELINE: Well, Oliver and I have been fighting lately. I have a lot of things on my mind, but I can’t talk to any of Oliver’s friends, and all my old high school friends are not confidants any more, except you.


KYLE: I’m amazed you trust me. I mean, I wouldn’t trust me.


MADELINE: You’re right, I should just leave.


(Madeline starts to get up)


KYLE: No, no, no! That’s not what I meant! (Madeline sits down) Hear me out. Remember that time we got drunk together three and a half months ago?




KYLE: …I think about that every day. And I kick myself for ruining our friendship. And I don’t expect forgiveness for what I did, but…I can promise you would I would never do anything like that ever again.


MADELINE: …I’m tired of being mad at people. Let’s get drunk-aschevitz.


(Kyle laughs)


KYLE: Fair enough. I’ll go get some stuff. (Kyle gets up, smiling, and goes to the kitchen to break out Everclear and Mike’s Hard Lemonade and walks over to Madeline) Do you want Everclear or Mike’s?


MADELINE: Are you looking to die of alcohol poisoning or grow a vagina?


KYLE: I’ll find something else.


(Kyle goes back into his kitchen. Cut to Jacob and Jordan parking on the side of the street in some random neighborhood)


JACOB: Here we are. Remember, you don’t know my name, where I live, anything.


JORDAN: I understand. Is this the last time we’ll be seeing each other? It can’t be, right?


JACOB: I feel a fool for even considering this, but I have a feeling we’ll have secret meetings every now and again. But since you’re parents knowing who I am would risk me getting in trouble, we can’t have an open relationship.


JORDAN: Is it even illegal to aid and abet a runaway?


JACOB: Yes, Jordan, it is! I looked it up, in Vermont, I can go to prison for thirty days or be fined 500,000 dollars or both, maximum.


JORDAN: I could do a month in jail standing on my head, it’d be better than my house and there’d be less fist fights too.


JACOB: I know, but I am not willing to spend a month in jail.


JORDAN: But my mom does hit me.


JACOB: Yes, there is an exception if there is imminent danger to you-FUCK!





(Jordan gets out of the car and sees Harold, Grace and Cory taking a walk)






(Jacob backs up, turns and starts leaving the neighborhood)




HAROLD: I35 E28!


(The car drives off as Grace grabs Jordan)


GRACE: BAD, BAD GIRL! (Grace slaps Jordan) BAD!




(Grace slaps Jordan)








(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Jacob and some southern looking guy in a white suit, suspenders and a moustache)


ETHAN: You should’ve just DROPPED HER OFF THERE!


JACOB: I’M SORRY! I didn’t want to be that dismissive about it!


KIMBERLY: Well, I hope that was worth JAIL TIME!


JACOB: No, no, no, no! Wait, who is this guy?


ETHAN: Our lawyers Micah Schultz and Sue Farenthold are busy defending that IRS official Lois Lerner, the one that invoked the Fifth Amendment, so they referred us to this gentleman lawyer who’s originally from down south.


SOUTHERN LAWYER: (Georgia Accent) My name’s Beauregard T. Boone Pickens Stonewall Jackson the Third, but you can call me Beauregard T. Boone Pickens Stonewall Jackson the Third.


ETHAN: Great. Beau, can you tell us what legal defense is most idoneous to this case?


BEAUREGARD: Well, I’m just a country lawyer, don’t know much about the law, but-


KIMBERLY: I’m sorry, did you just say those words?


BEAUREGARD: BUT I don’t know much about Thoracic surgery either, so I think that makes me about even with Mr. Schultz.


ETHAN: Okay, so because you are uninformed in both of those areas of expertise, that somehow makes you equal in legal skill to Micah Schultz?


BEAUREGARD: That’s correct.


KIMBERLY: Well, I have no idea why you should represent our son.


ETHAN: Why did Mr. Schultz even recommend you?


BEAUREGARD: I’m a friend and I need desperately to win a case. I got my law degree from one of those claw machines.


JACOB: Yeah, I definitely don’t want to be represented by this dolt.


BEAUREGARD: Now hold on now, fortunately for you guys, this is an open and shut case that even an idiotic Southern lawyer whose blood is half sweet tea and a quarter Jim Beam can defend you.


ETHAN: Really? How?


(Cut to Ryan sitting in his car, breathing deeply, attempting to calm down. Brennan walks over and taps on the window. Ryan looks over and then rolls down the window)


BRENNAN: Are you okay?


RYAN: I’m fine, I just…had a panicky moment.


BRENNAN: Why’s that?


RYAN: Drugs. It’s the drugs, they fuck with your head.


BRENNAN: Well, I supposed that’s one of your many transgressions.


RYAN: What? (Ryan’s phone rings) Hold on. (Ryan answers his phone) Hello?


DUSTY: (On the phone) Hey, I’m in the clink.


RYAN: Jesus, I can’t talk right now, but why? Did you give someone a Dusty Allen?


DUSTY: Brennan’s private eye and I got into a scuffle at a drug store. And it definitely wasn’t over robitussin. We’re both there right now. He definitely had someone after you.


RYAN: Fuck. Is there someone who can bail you out?


DUSTY: Yeah, you! I’m a private eye, I have no friends or family.


RYAN: I can’t pay for your fuck ups!


DUSTY: Don’t worry, go to my office, there’s cash in the drawer labeled “cash”. Take that.


RYAN: Oh my God, fine. Bye.


(Ryan hangs up)


BRENNAN: What was that?


RYAN: Oh, it was a-


(Brennan receives a phone call, much to Ryan’s consternation. Brennan answers it)


BRENNAN: …Hello?


JODI: (On the phone) Hey, I’m in the GAY bar hotel. I got arrested for beating the shit out of this private eye your boyfriend hired to determine whether you had hired a private eye. By the way, he’s definitely cheating on you, I don’t know if it’s with Sarah, but it’s with someone. Please bail me out, there’s cash in my office. Bye.


(Jodi hangs up and Brennan hangs up his phone while staring at Ryan with rage)


RYAN: (Shaky, timid voice) Who was that?




RYAN: Brennan!


(Ryan gets out of the car and closes the door)




RYAN: Brennan, calm down!


RYAN: Wow, homophobic, sexist, the works! Listen Brennan, I’m sorry! I admit it! I was having a dalliance with Sarah! (Brennan slaps Ryan) Okay, I deserved that.


BRENNAN: NO SHIT! (He starts crying) Why would you do that to me?!


RYAN: I don’t know, I was tempted! I did not listen to my better self!


BRENNAN: Do you have a better self?! You selfish, drug-abusing PRICK!


RYAN: Brennan, don’t do this!


(Brennan starts feebly hitting Ryan repeatedly in the chest while Ryan attempts to garner control of him while he cries)



RYAN: Brennan!


(The owner of the taco place comes over)


STANLEY: Is there something I could help you two with?


RYAN: What could you possibly help us with?! Just leave us alone!


STANLEY: I’m a marriage counselor by trade, a taco place owner by actual profession.




STANLEY: Ouchie, is this a roast?!




STANLEY: Weak sauce. I don’t go down to where you work and knock the teeth out of your mouth!


RYAN: That is not how that goes! Brennan, STOP punching me! I’m sorry! (Ryan backs Brennan off and Brennan starts inhaling long, sad breaths) Let’s look at this rationally. I am very, very, very sorry.


(Brennan closes his eyes, composes himself and looks at Ryan)


BRENNAN: Ryan, of all the inconsiderate things you’ve done over the eleven years I’ve known you, this has to be the most egregious.


RYAN: …I know. (Ryan tears up) I guess I wasn’t over Sarah, and I felt bad that I wasn’t. But I didn’t think I could resist.


BRENNAN: I can’t even…I can’t even listen to you right now.


(Brennan walks away)


RYAN: …We drove here in your car! Oh my God.


(Ryan gets in his car and puts his head on his steering wheel)


STANLEY: Do you need a ride home?!




(Cut to Dusty Allen sitting in his jail cell. He’s tapping his foot)


DUSTY: God, it’s getting pretty late. Hey guard! (Zoom out to reveal the guard outside the jail cell) Can I have my one phone call again?


GUARD: No, we prefer to limit the one phone call to…one.


DUSTY: That’s an outage, it’s six o’clock!


GUARD: An outage?


DUSTY: Sorry, that was a verbal typo.


(Cut to Sarah laying on the ground in her upstairs game room, staring at the ceiling. Ryan stumbles in)


RYAN: Hey.


(Sarah shrieks and jumps up)


SARAH: Jesus, I thought you were Irville!


RYAN: You would scream like that if Irville came by?


SARAH: I scream like that if I fully expect him to say something to me!


(Ryan smiles)


RYAN: (Slurred slightly) God, you’re wonderful.


SARAH: Are you drunk?


RYAN: It’s May 20th somewhere.


SARAH: Why are you drunk at this time? On a Monday?


RYAN: My ass just got dumped.


SARAH: Jesus, really?


RYAN: Yep. He had hired a private eye, just like I suspected!


SARAH: Oh my God. I guess he’s pissed at both of us?


RYAN: Naw, mostly me. He didn’t even mention being pissed at you. Of course, a lot of it was hard to understand because it was layered in tears and betrayal.


SARAH: I feel bad. We shouldn’t have done what we did.


RYAN: Yeah. I wanted to say “I should’ve broken up with you and THEN started fucking Sarah”, but somehow I just don’t think that’d be comforting.


SARAH: Yeah, I’m inclined to believe you’re right. But then again, you can’t lie to him! I mean, are you going to try to get back with him?


RYAN: Don’t you think it’d be in bad taste if we got back together?


SARAH: This is what he HATES Ryan! You’ve been placating him! Just tell him the truth!


RYAN: But I’ve already hurt him so much! It’s like he put his heart through a meat grinder and then when he served it to me, I don’t even want it! I’m like “heh, I’ll have the salad!” How is that fair?


SARAH: You hurt him because you were keeping him from the truth! You should’ve gone with your original instinct. It’s time to stop teasing him.


RYAN: But he’s a close friend, what if this ends our friendship?


SARAH: Then I’m afraid that’s on you.


RYAN: God…I feel terrible.


SARAH: Alcohol’s not going to solve that.


RYAN: A designated driver will though.


SARAH: I am not going to give you road head.


RYAN: I’m impressed you knew what I was talking about. (Cut to Ryan sitting across from Doctor McMorris in his therapist’s office) So, Brennan was furious. My private eye tried to knock a guard out, but the guard was too far away, so he ended up just poking him in the cheek and trying the shoulder trick. It didn’t work. So now, Brennan hates Sarah and I, especially me, though. I can’t say I blame him.


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Of course not.


RYAN: So do I get back together with Sarah?


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: What does your heart tell you?


RYAN: …I stopped trusting that thing a long time ago…it lead me astray with Google plus, for God’s sake.


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Sorry, what’s Google plus?


RYAN: Wow, have you ever been out of this room?


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Do I have a Google plus?


RYAN: Did you sign up for one?


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: No, but I thought maybe they just happened.


RYAN: No, you have to make an account.




(Cut to Madeline and Kyle sitting on a bench near the stocked pond in the middle of Kyle’s apartment complex. They’re holding half-empty wine glasses)


MADELINE: I heard something about how Obama had some FOX News reporter arrested because he was a leaker or something, and they seized his phone records and e-mails and stuff?


KYLE: Yeah, James Rosen. He leaked some news about North Korea and now they’re going after him because he has the gall to do his job. They even obtained the phone records of his parents! Although I would imagine his mom would be like (Jewish mother impression, much to Madeline’s delight) James Rosen? My little Jimmy? He’s a good boy! He would never engage in any leaking! Oh, I told him to stay away from that Roger Ailes boy!


MADELINE: You’re good at that.


KYLE: (Normal voice) I have personal experience with Jewish mothers. I remember my first bar mitzvah was back in…2005, I guess. I was so embarrassed, my suit didn’t fit, my arms were hidden somewhere in it.


(Madeline laughs)


MADELINE: Don’t you only have one Bar Mitzvah?!


(Kyle laughs)


KYLE: No, my dad had me do another one when I was thirteen, because the first one didn’t take. I was not a man yet.


(Madeline and Kyle laugh)


MADELINE: That’s hilarious. When I was a kid, I thought tornados were these giant tomatoes that would-(Kyle starts laughing) come in and walk around your house.


KYLE: That’s awesome. I wish that were the case.


MADELINE: Right? I’d offer the tomato my hospitality.


KYLE: Yeah.


MADELINE: God, this apartment complex is beautiful.


KYLE: Yeah, not bad for a freshman in college.


MADELINE: How’d you swing this?


KYLE: Banking conspiracy money.


(Madeline chuckles)


MADELINE: You let your Judaism define you, don’t you?


KYLE: Absolutely.


(Madeline laughs)


MADELINE: God, I love doing this. You know, I thought a lot about this too, since the last time.


KYLE: Have you?


MADELINE: Yeah. High School, you and I, we were great together.


KYLE: Is that so?


MADELINE: Yeah, it was awesome. (Madeline rests her head on Kyle’s shoulder) I wish I could go back to then.


KYLE: Hmm… (Madeline starts kissing up Kyle’s neck, and she starts kissing him on the lips, but eventually, he stops her) hold on.




KYLE: Maddie, I can’t do another horrible thing to you.


MADELINE: No, please, don’t do this! I want to be with you right now, isn’t that what matters?


KYLE: You’re still with Oliver, right?


MADELINE: I guess, but-


KYLE: But nothing! I’m not going to allow you to do something you’re going to regret, especially when you’re unduly influenced.


MADELINE: But Kyle, I’m acknowledging that I should’ve stayed with you!


KYLE: I don’t know where you got this idea that our relationship in High School was grand, you hated my sense of humor, you initially used me as a sex slave, I was creepy obsessive, I still am, you tried to rufie my drink at prom so I would shut up, I don’t know why you’re romanticizing it so much!


MADELINE: Wow, I forgot half of that.


KYLE: Which half?


MADELINE: I guess the half that sheds a negative light on me.


KYLE: Yeah.


MADELINE: But regardless, those were better times, I could breathe then, you know?


KYLE: Are we in the same time-space continuum? Maddie, from what I remember, in High School, you were-


MADELINE: Pretty, popular, (She stands up and starts singing) a towering beauty of joy and repletion!


KYLE: This, isn’t a musical.


(Madeline falls back on the bench)


MADELINE: (No longer singing) But that’s how I FEEL that time was!


KYLE: Maddie, let me show you something.


MADELINE: Anything.


(Kyle leads Madeline with his hand away from the bench. Cut to a court room. Judge McGlynn is presiding. On one side is David Merkely, representing for the prosecution, on behalf of Mr. and Mrs. DeFazio. Also, Cory and Jordan are there. On the other side, Beauregard is representing Mr. and Mrs. Donahue, plus Jacob is there)


DAVID: Your Honor, the defendant, Mr. Donahue, brazenly violated subsection 1311 part one of Vermont’s statutes by sheltering this individual, Mrs. Jordan DeFazio, in a closet for an entire month. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about this case. Mr. Donahue knew what he was doing.


ETHAN: Objection, your honor! Mr. Merkely is a traitor!




(Judge McGlynn slams the gavel)


JUDGE MCGLYNN: As much as I despise bitch-ass turncoats and snitches, I regret that this fact is not relevant to this case.


KIMBERLY: You’re a judge who hates snitches?


BEAUREGARD: Your honor, I would like to enter a motion for mistrial.


DAVID: Your honor, there’s no grounds for-


JUDGE MCGLYNN: I will decide that! What are the grounds for mistrial, Mr. Jackson?


BEAUREGARD: Your honor, I used to go out and castrate chickens with my old law buddy Clarence Thomas. We loved our giblets in the mo’nin. And we loved spending summers hiding our pubes in the soda drinks of birdies at soda fountains all over Georgia. But one time we were about to castrate a chicken that didn’t have no dick! Already, he had no dick! And what we are doing today is the equivalent of attempting to castrate a dickless chicken-


DAVID: What is this maniac talking about?!


JUDGE MCGLYNN: MR. MERKELY! You will be quiet or you will be held in contempt! Mr. Jackson, please continue.


BEAUREGARD: Thank you, your honor. Um…what was I talking about?


ETHAN: Dickless chickens.


BEAUREGARD: Right. The reason I make such an analogy is because this is an open and shut case. According to subsection 1311 part E dictates that legal action cannot be taken against a shelteree if the parents of the runaway neglected to ever call the police, and this police affidavit, your honor, (he takes out a police affidavit) confirms that the Hansbay Police NEVER, not ONCE, received a call from Mr. or Mrs. DeFazio since the disappearance of Ms. DeFazio in mid-April. I would like to enter this evidence as exhibit J, just to spice things up.


(Beauregard hands the affidavit to the Judge and he looks at it)


JUDGE MCGLYNN: How could you not call the police even once?


GRACE: I thought she would turn up! Kids are youthful and strong, they can survive the elements.


JUDGE MCGLYNN: Jesus. Well, the motion for mistrial is granted, this case is dismissed without prejudice.


(Judge McGlynn slams his gavel to gasps from Merkely’s side and cheers of excitement on Beauregard’s side. Ethan, Kimberly and Jacob hug while the other side argues amongst each other. Except for Jordan, who looks amorously towards Jacob, who flashes her a smile. Cut to later at Ethan’s house. Ethan, Kimberly, Jacob and Beauregard are all enjoying glasses of champagne in the kitchen)


ETHAN: To Jacob not going to jail!


(They all repeat the toast and clink their glasses together and they each drink)


BEAUREGARD: Thanks to my Georgia Basic Law tool set, I had the goods to get Jacob off scot-free.


JACOB: Yes, it’s quite exciting. Thank you, sir.


BEAUREGARD: Hopefully now I can give up working for PETA’s legal team and go where the real money is. Exxon Mobil’s Gelding Meat division.


KIMBERLY: I wasn’t aware Exxon Mobil had a division for castrated horses.


BEAUREGARD: Who do you think castrated them?


ETHAN: Well, good luck in your endeavors.


JACOB: Yes, now I’ll actually be right back.


(Jacob puts down his drink)


KIMBERLY: You better not drive! You had several sips of cheap champagne!


(Cut to Jacob in his car, searching around. He pulls up to the side of the street in some neighborhood. He takes a long cane out of his car and pounds the cane on a nearby manhole cover. Soon, Jordan walks over)


JORDAN: I heard your call!


JACOB: Wow, I can’t believe that worked.


JORDAN: It’s nice to see you.


JACOB: You too. (He throws the cane in his car) You look well.


JORDAN: Congratulations on getting off scot-free. My dad is wrestling his stuffed polar bear out of frustration and my mom and her lover are betting on who wins.


JACOB: I’m assuming the bear?




JACOB: Well. Let me tell you what I want you to do.


JORDAN: What’s that?


JACOB: Here, I got you a necklace. (Jacob takes out a velvet box and opens it to reveal a flip camera with a gold-colored chain attached to it) There.


JORDAN: Wow, you got me a flip camera attached to a chain?


JACOB: Where it and then next time they beat you, you can get it on tape.


(Jordan takes the “necklace)


JORDAN: That’d be pretty noticeable, you know they stopped making these, right?


JACOB: I hoarded them back in 2011. I make some money on the side that way. But you’ve got to find some way to prove their abuse.


JORDAN: I’ll see what I can do.


JACOB: Okay. Don’t let me down.


JORDAN: It sounds like you want me to be slapped and whipped with belts.


JACOB: Just because I know they’re going to do it-well, not like-I hope they stop, but-


JORDAN: Jacob.


JACOB: What?


JORDAN: I was kidding.


(Jacob looks down and smiles and Jordan chuckles)


JACOB: Okay. Well, I hope I’ll see a lot of you this summer.


JORDAN: Me too.


(Jordan kisses Jacob and then Jacob gets in his car and Jordan walks away. Cut to Oliver and Madeline in Oliver’s dorm, arguing)


OLIVER: Why the hell were you at Kyle’s place?!


MADELINE: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I needed PERMISSION to go to a friend’s apartment!


OLIVER: A FRIEND?! He fucked me over two times t’ill Wednesday and now he’s a FRIEND!


MADELINE: I’ve known him for over a YEAR! What he did was awful, but you know what, YOU don’t have to talk to him! Why don’t you make a fucking APP that makes a siren come out of your dick every time he’s near!


OLIVER: I appreciate you take my work seriously!



(Cut to Kyle and Madeline sitting on Kyle’s couch. Kyle is opening a binder. He takes out a piece of notebook paper reading “Kyle, do you see Mister Shuler’s shirt pocket? Isn’t it supposed to be like a foot higher?”)


KYLE: Do you remember this?


(Madeline laughs)


MADELINE: Oh my God, I do! He always wore those ill-fitting shirts.


KYLE: Yeah, his pockets were near his stomach. But Maddie, you passed a lot of other notes to me, like this one.


(Kyle takes out another one that says “These bitches keep telling everyone I’m a slut ):”)




KYLE: To which I responded, (Kyle takes out a piece of paper reading “That’s linsanity. Why again are you inviting them to your party on Saturday?”) “That’s linsanity.” Linsanity was big at the time.




KYLE: (Clears throat) “Why again are you inviting them to your party on Saturday?” is what I then asked.


MADELINE: God, this is all coming back to me. The embarrassment. The fakeness.


KYLE: Yeah, Maddie. High School wasn’t a gilded age. You have to move forward.


MADELINE: Well, this isn’t a Gilded Age either.


KYLE: No age is. Why do you think I obsessively saved these notes? It wasn’t my hay day either.


(Madeline laughs. Cut to Ryan at Brennan’s front door. Ryan rings the doorbell. He waits a little bit. Norman walks over to the door and looks through the window. Norman then walks away. Ryan, then sulks and walks back to his car. He gets in the driver’s seat. Sarah is slumped down in the passenger’s seat)


SARAH: Incommunicado?


RYAN: Seems that way.


SARAH: Well…Mark Sanford got engaged to his mistress.


RYAN: Are you saying you want to date me?!


SARAH: I don’t want to seem forward, but-


RYAN: Fine! We’ll date! To hell with Brennan’s feelings! I want you RIGHT NOW!


SARAH: What is wrong with you?!


RYAN: I guarantee you Sarah, this will NOT be like Michelle! Not again! We are DATING!


(Ryan speeds off in his car. Cut to black)



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