The Donahues Episode 96

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ethan and Kimberly take anger out on each other over their problems, Ryan and Sarah are castigated by their friends and Jordan must get evidence of her parents’ abuse on tape

Submitted: May 29, 2013

A A A | A A A

Submitted: May 29, 2013









“Recruitment time, but, no one ever forgets rejection! However, cultivate your relationship with sincere love than, imposing your status with the salt of your land”

  • Edward Kofi Louis


(We start with Michelle at Hot Topic, talking to a stocky, balding man in a plaid shirt and khakis)


MICHELLE: Yeah, we opened up a few years ago, and I’m sure your son would love some of our selection.


MAN: Hm.


MICHELLE: What’s your name?


MAN: (Somewhat deep voice) Keith Rohrabacher.


(Michelle shakes his hand)


MICHELLE: Nice to meet you, Keith. (The handshake ends) Keith, let me-


(Ryan walks in)


RYAN: Keith, let ME tell you something!



RYAN: Whoa, what’s with the hostility, Michelle?


MICHELLE: Ryan, this is the first time you’ve shown up since Mother’s Day!


RYAN: Michelle, that was only a week and a half ago, and for me, that’s pretty good.


MICHELLE: Granted, but, you’re fired.


RYAN: What?!


MICHELLE: Yeah! After fourteen months of, I guess I’ll call it service, YOU are resigning your post.


RYAN: Michelle, I NEED this job!


MICHELLE: Obviously not enough to come in regularly! Hell, why did you choose to come in on Memorial Day Weekend, of all weekends to come in?!


RYAN: I try to impress my beautiful, lovely boss by coming in on holidays so I can serve our customers fairly and help them find what they need!


KEITH: Is that a snipe at me?


(Ryan and Michelle look confusedly at Keith)


RYAN: Um, no, sir, it wasn’t. I’m sorry if you took it that way.




MICHELLE: Anyway, Ryan, you need to come in regularly!


RYAN: I’ve been coming in irregularly for nine months! And suddenly you’re firing me for it?


MICHELLE: Why do you think I’m doing that, Ryan?


RYAN: I couldn’t even begin to-


MICHELLE: Because I’ve had Brennan crying tears of blood on my shoulder for the past five days!


RYAN: Oh. Right.


MICHELLE: Yeah! What the hell is wrong with you?


RYAN: I said I was sorry!


MICHELLE: Well, rumor is that you’re dating Sarah again.


RYAN: Rumor are notoriously unreliable. I-I detest rumors! They said you were a Mario brother! Did I believe them? No!


MICHELLE: What?! You are dating Sarah though, right?


RYAN: We’re engaged.




RYAN: Getting married is our long-term plan, you know, once we graduate from college in 2018. Kids by 2020, a house by 2022, retirement into twilight years of marriage by 2060.


MICHELLE: Oh my God, so it’s worse than I thought! Do Brennan’s feelings not mean anything to you?


RYAN: Of course they do! And I regret cheating on him, but I also don’t think we were compatible as boyfriends! I think Sarah and I are meant to be.


MICHELLE: Well, you said that about me, Michael, Brennan and Sarah, so I’m sure it’ll “take” this time.


KEITH: Sorry, from this whole conversation, I can count exactly four insults that you’ve leveled towards me.


MICHELLE: What are you talking about?!


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah on her couch in her game room)


RYAN: Michelle fired me…


SARAH: Ugh, really? God, they are pissed. Also you barely ever come into work.


RYAN: Mostly the pissed thing, though.


SARAH: Yeah, okay.


RYAN: What are we supposed to do? Break up? For them? Fuck that. I don’t need my relationship with Brennan to be annulled by them. What am I, Henry the Eighth? I can form my own church!


SARAH: This will pass, trust me. They can’t hate us forever, we’re all friends.


RYAN: Exactly. But in the meantime, what do we do?


SARAH: I don’t know, they refused to eat lunch with us for most of the school week. Now it’s Memorial Day Weekend, so we should just, let their anger pass and go do something fun.


RYAN: Agreed. But what?


SARAH: Let’s go to dinner.


RYAN: Where?


SARAH: Schmageggi’s.


RYAN: That’s too expensive.


SARAH: Fine, you Jew, how about a Waffle House?


RYAN: I have a feeling Brennan, Michelle and Michael might be there, though, they go there when they’re angry or sad, or…happy, or ambivalent, or-


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon in his office watching Hansbay Action Five News. Patrick White is delivering the news)


PATRICK WHITE: On Thursday, the Boy Scouts of America voted to overturn the 103-year old rule banning openly gay boy scouts from being members of the organization. However, the rule still dictates that openly gay troop leaders are still not allowed, BSA President Wayne Perry saying, quote, “ew.” For the record, idolaters, liars, lusters, the greedy, prideful and gluttonous are still allowed to be troop leaders. In other news, a serial killer’s in town today.


(Someone knocks on Brian’s door)




(Ethan enters and shuts the door)


MAYOR SARANDON: Hey, do you know where I can buy some crack?


ETHAN: Excuse me?


MAYOR SARANDON: Crack cocaine, it’s a-


ETHAN: I know what crack is, why do you want to know?


MAYOR SARANDON: I heard the Mayor of Toronto smoked crack, I figured every other Mayor is doing it, I don’t want to be a square and a half, you know?


ETHAN: One Mayor did it, that hardly denotes an epidemic-


(Evan comes in and throws a gram of crack onto Sarandon’s desk)


EVAN: There’s the crack, sir.


MAYOR SARANDON: Thank you, Evan!


ETHAN: You already bought crack?!


MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, I must’ve forgot about that. It’s the crack, I tell ya.


ETHAN: You already smoked some?


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon about to light a crack pipe)




(Ethan whacks the crack pipe out of his hand and sweeps it into a trash can)


ETHAN: Brian, as a 51 year old man you should know that crack causes lifetime addiction and ends careers!


MAYOR SARANDON: Fine! I’ll stick to the one drug that has never ruined anybody’s life, alcohol.


ETHAN: Sure.


EVAN: Am I going to be compensated for the one hundred dollars’ worth of crack I just bought for you?


MAYOR SARANDON: Your check’s in the mail, now get the hell out!


(Evan leaves)


MAYOR SARANDON: So what did you come in here for?


ETHAN: Well, the Hansbay Treasury says they need new computers, apparently the ones they have aren’t good for anything but Mario Teaches Typing.


MAYOR SARANDON: I’ll get on that. Hey, do you want to go to a topless lunch?


ETHAN: I beg your pardon?


(Mayor Sarandon stands up)


MAYOR SARANDON: There’s this great lunch place in downtown Hansbay called “Topless Lunch”, I think you’d like it.


ETHAN: I think I wouldn’t, considering I’m married.


MAYOR SARANDON: Oh my God, it’s not a whore house for Christ’s sake, it’s a place where topless people serve you lunch, it’s real underground.


ETHAN: No thank you.


MAYOR SARANDON: First you don’t join me for topless breakfast, now you don’t join me for topless lunch?


ETHAN: You didn’t ask me to go to topless breakfast!


(Mayor Sarandon walks over to Ethan and puts him on the shoulder)


MAYOR SARANDON: C’mon, my treat.


(He pats him two more times and walks away, causing Ethan to roll his eyes and follow him. Cut to Kimberly, Mel, Rob and Jamie sitting in the Donahue living room)


ROB: So what’s the 911?


JAMIE: You mean 411?


ROB: No, that’s a public directory.


MEL: Here’s the issue. It was really important that we got that Church account a week and a half ago. However, we didn’t. And our budget is strained. Especially since we hired Rob and Jamie. Our expenses are exceeding our income and we need to get more clients or we’ll be destitute by July.


KIMBERLY: But summer’s coming, it’s going to be racquetball season, can’t we accrue some clients because of that?


MEL: Sure. But by my estimation we need ten more clients by this time next month.




MEL: Ten. Rin tin TEN.


ROB: How are we going to manage that? I didn’t even pass ten grades.


KIMBERLY: I don’t know, this all seems-


JAMIE: Wait, we need the clients by July, right? Couldn’t we simply hold a communal summer barbecue and invite a bunch of clients?


MEL: Now there’s an idea!


ROB: Nice, Jamie. That could be really fun. We could bill it as a non-business function, but really, it could be all business, too much business! We could make business attire mandatory!


KIMBERLY: You’re running away from the original idea, Rob.


ROB: Sorry.


JAMIE: Let’s go with a more subtle approach. Or, subtler. Is it more subtle or subtler?


MEL: I think it can be both.


JAMIE: Yeah, maybe. Subtler. Doesn’t even sound like a word anymore.


KIMBERLY: Okay. I can set this up.


JAMIE: Hold on, I came up with the idea, I would like to set it up, if you don’t mind.


KIMBERLY: Um…sure. Totally. When should it be?


JAMIE: Why not Memorial Day?


KIMBERLY: Are you sure that’s enough time?


JAMIE: Definitely. Rob can help me.


KIMBERLY: …Okay. Good. Meeting adjourned.


(Everyone starts getting up. Cut to Ethan and Mayor Sarandon at the topless lunch place, sitting at a table)


MAYOR SARANDON: The best part about this place, is that the waitresses are topless.


ETHAN: I know that, I’m in here.


(A topless waitress walks over)


TOPLESS WAITRESS: Welcome to topless lunch! I’m Kathydina, can I get you something to drink?


MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, I would like milk with drencrom.


ETHAN: Isn’t that the violence-inducing chemical from A Clockwork Orange? Also, isn’t it fictional?


TOPLESS WAITRESS: We don’t have that sweetheart, sorry.


MAYOR SARANDON: Fair enough, get me a Brandy Tonic with five olives in it.


ETHAN: Too many olives.


TOPLESS WAITRESS: What would you like to drink, sweet bun salad?


ETHAN: Wow, um, I’ll have some water.


MAYOR SARANDON: And I’ll have the waiter!




TOPLESS WAITRESS: Oh, you bad boy! Anyway, I’ll get that right out for you too.


(She skates away)


ETHAN: I didn’t even notice she had skates on.


MAYOR SARANDON: Did you notice she didn’t have a bra on?


ETHAN: Yes, Brian.


(Mayor Sarandon laughs)


MAYOR SARANDON: This place is sick! Which one do you want to fuck first?


ETHAN: Brian, you told me this wasn’t a whore house!


MAYOR SARANDON: It isn’t, but trust me, these gals will put out like the sexbox one.


ETHAN: I’m not fucking any of them, like I said, I’m married.


MAYOR SARANDON: Right, right. Does staring at them with undisguised lust count as adultery?


ETHAN: I guess not, but it’s probably not appropriate.


MAYOR SARANDON: Does cunnilingus count?


ETHAN: Okay, can we get the check?


(The waitress walks over)


WAITRESS: It’s between my breasts.


ETHAN: We actually haven’t gotten anything yet, so I guess I’ll just go.


(Mayor Sarandon puts his hand on Ethan’s)


MAYOR SARANDON: Stay. No homo!


ETHAN: You’re 51, how do you know that phrase?




(Mayor Sarandon cracks up while Ethan rolls his eyes. Cut to Kimberly at the dinner table lightly stirring tea, while watching news on TV from afar. Cut to the news, Fiona Cadbury is delivering it)


FIONA: On Tuesday, disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner announced his intention to run for Mayor of New York City against current Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Congressman Weiner resigned in June 2011 after it was revealed he accidentally tweeted a picture of his cock-wow, are we sure we want to use this terminology? Okay. Anyway, Mayor Bloomberg is launching a pre-election offensive by introducing a policy to limit the size of underwear to 75. In other news, an epidemic has become rampant amongst Vermont teenagers…it’s called TORRENTING. Torrenting…HEROIN! You scared yet?


(Cut to Kimberly at the table, now swirling her tea really fast and aggressively when Ethan walks in, looking exhausted)


ETHAN: Ugh, long day.




ETHAN: Are you mad at your tea?


(Kimberly throws her stirrer down)


KIMBERLY: I’m fine.


ETHAN: I didn’t ask how you were.


KIMBERLY: How was work?


ETHAN: Ugh, not good. (Ethan puts his suitcase on the counter and takes his jacket off and puts it on the back of a chair. He sits down next to Kimberly and loosens his tie) Yours?


KIMBERLY: Bad as well.


ETHAN: That was the name of my college professor, Bad Asswell.




ETHAN: Why was yours bad?


KIMBERLY: Oh, you know…bureaucracy, red tape.


ETHAN: That sounds like bullshit.


KIMBERLY: I just don’t want to talk about it.


ETHAN: Come on Kimmy, confide in me.


KIMBERLY: No thanks.


ETHAN: Kimmy, you know you always feel better about it when you talk about it. Don’t you watch suicide prevention ads?


KIMBERLY: I said I didn’t want to talk about it!


(Ethan goes wide-eyed and throws up his hands)


ETHAN: Sorry!


(Ethan puts down his hands)


KIMBERLY: Why was your day bad?


ETHAN: Oh, you can know!


KIMBERLY: You know, I’m fine with not knowing how many moral boundaries Brian had you cross today!


ETHAN: Oh my God, I keep him in line and you know it!


KIMBERLY: He’s your boss! He could cage you and hang you up in the town square like a village idiot if he wanted to!


ETHAN: Yet the only village idiot is him! I act as a more reasonable counterweight to his insane Olympics fetishism and his dysfunctional alcoholism! Plus, my promotion means I have less contact with him! Or at least, in theory I have less contact with him.


(Cut to Ethan sitting on a couch across from Mayor Sarandon, whose pants are down and has the topless lunch waitress riding his dick. Ethan is on his phone)




ETHAN: Uh, Arrested Development’s coming back. So…


(Cut back)


KIMBERLY: I still think you got gipped out of the best position of power you ever held.


ETHAN: Kimmy, I wasn’t good at being Mayor. I don’t even know if I would want the position back. Although, Sarandon did mention I should run for Governor in 2016.


(Kimberly starts laughing, and then realizing Ethan isn’t laughing, she stops)


KIMBERLY: You really think you could?


ETHAN: Kim, I’m not ruling anything out.


KIMBERLY: You have sort of a seedy past, voters don’t forget that.


ETHAN: Have you ever heard of CONGRESSMAN Mark Sanford and PRESIDENT Anthony Weiner?!


KIMBERLY: Wow, he hasn’t even been elected Mayor yet, much less President!


ETHAN: Trust me, we’ll have a propaganda picture of his phallus in our house come 2017! And I mean come!


KIMBERLY: Gross, listen, those were sex scandals, yours was a bribery and extortion scandal!


ETHAN: Well, just shit on my ambitions why don’t you? I’m not going to let you clip my wings because the guy who suggested I run for Governor has been dead weight since 2004!


(Ethan gets up and walks into their bedroom while Kimberly puts her head in her hands. Cut to Jordan in her room, looking in the mirror. She’s wearing the necklace with the flip camera attached. She touches her face repeatedly, insecurely)


JORDAN: Wait a minute, I’m trying to make sure this flip video necklace looks natural, why am I suddenly being insecure about my face, FOCUS Jordan! Okay, this definitely doesn’t look natural. But maybe if I (She puts on a hoodie and zips it up) wear a hoodie I can cover up the camera lens…but then the camera won’t be able to see what’s happening…maybe a see-through hoodie? I don’t think those exist, though, plus then I guess they’d be able to see the camera lens, you know what? Do I really need video? Maybe audio alone will do. As David Coverdale might say, here I go once again on my own.


(Jordan walks out of her room and into the living room where Harold, Grace and Cory are watching television)


HAROLD: This Duck Dynasty show is stupid! Where are the race cars, lasers and aeroplanes?


CORY: That’s Duck Tales.


HAROLD: Shut up, Cory.


GRACE: HEY! Do not talk to him like that!

JORDAN: Hey, you guys suck and stuff.


HAROLD: Excuse me?


CORY: Excuse me too!


JORDAN: You guys are big dumb people with stupid in your heads.


GRACE: Sorry, are you trying to insult us? You’re really bad at it.


JORDAN: If I had a nickel for every time you were dumb, I’d have at least one.


CORY: This, this, obstreperous bitch is insulting us!


GRACE: I don’ feel that insulted.












(Grace gasps and gets up and is about to hit Jordan when she receives a cellular telephone call and answers it, immediately gaining calmness)


GRACE: Toodaloo?


HAROLD: That doesn’t mean hello.


GRACE: Free roof inspection on some days? I’ll take it. Sounds good. Cool beans! (She hangs up) Where were we?


HAROLD: Cooler heads prevailed.


GRACE: Good.


(Grace goes over and sits down while Jordan gets flustered)




(Jordan storms off, back into her room)


CORY: Now look at what you did! She couldn’t even successfully say the word “family” she was so upset.


HAROLD: She’ll get over it. I did.


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah at Seani’s)


RYAN: So, did you hear about the drug test they’re conducting at school?


SARAH: Wait, the kind where you have to pee into a cup?


RYAN: No, no, it’s a survey, they’re doing a study on teenage drug use.




RYAN: But I ended up peeing on it anyway.


(Sarah and Ryan laugh)


SARAH: So did you answer honestly?


RYAN: Yeah, my mom insisted that I take it, you have to sign up for it, so.


SARAH: So wait, how often do you take drugs nowadays?




(The waiter comes over)


WAITER: Hello, hello. I’m your waiter for this evening. What would you like to drink?


(He laughs suspiciously while placing his finger coyly on his pursed lips)


SARAH: Um, I’ll have sweet tea.


WAITER: Good choice! (The waiter shakes his head and mouths “no” while Sarah furrows her brow, he eventually stops) And for you, Ryan?


RYAN: I would like-you know my name?


WAITER: Of course not, silly.


RYAN: You just said it!


WAITER: What would you like?


RYAN: Um, Mountain Dew please.


WAITER: Got it.


(He laughs suspiciously and then saunters away)


RYAN: Something stinks.


SARAH: I know, this is fishy.


RYAN: I’m not talking about your vagina, Sarah-


SARAH: Wow, neither was I.


RYAN: I’m saying something is real fishy about this whole situation.


SARAH: You used the same term I did!


RYAN: No man’s dick smells like fish.


(The waiter comes back with a Mountain Dew and a Sweet tea)


WAITER: I’m back with your DRINKS!


RYAN: Thank you.


(The waiter puts the drinks down on the table)


WAITER: Gee, I hope these drinks are not POISONED!


(He raises his brow and smiles a devilish smile)


SARAH: You’re just coming right out and telling us.


RYAN: Plus, we haven’t taken a single sip yet, why are you trying to poison us?


WAITER: I’m not involved in this.


(The waiter walks away)


SARAH: The fu-


(Chuck goes on stage at Seani’s and speaks into a mic with a drums and guitars behind him)


CHUCK: Hey everybody and stuff. We’re going to have an old favorite play here tonight, please welcome, the only people we could book, Depraved Hallway Fern!


RYAN: What?!


(Brennan, Oleander and Scott go on stage)


BRENNAN: Hi, I’m Ryan.


(Ryan stands up)



RANDOM AUDIENCE MAN: You both look the same to me.


RYAN: Impossible! Brennan and I don’t seem similar!


(Cut to a blind man with his Seeing Eye dog sitting at a table)


BLIND MAN: You’re both emos, so…


RYAN: How would you know? You’re blind!


BLIND MAN: I don’t know, I just knew. Something about your voice, the way it lingers…


RYAN: My voice lingers?


BRENNAN: I will not tolerate this heckler. This is my band and I have a song for certain people in this room.


RYAN: This kid has commandeered my band! God, did I hold onto that last consonant for too long? DAMN YOU, BLIND MAN!


BLIND MAN: I told you, your voice lingers.


BRENNAN: Here we go. One, two, three, four! (They start playing music and Brennan starts singing) Passing by…in the moonlight…there’s something in his mind, but it will not reveal in time, there are seconds t’ill collapse but he will fall into his trap, sublime…I WILL NOT BE EMBARASSED, I WILL NOT BE DISGRACED, I WILL BEAT YOGI BERRA, I WILL HANDLE THIS CASE, I AM STRONGER THAN MY OWN MIND AND I WILL NOT DELAY, IN PREACHING FOR ANOTHER TIME, BUT HANDLING THIS WAAAAAAY! If you loved me then, then why not now? It’s oh so masculine to sneak around…did you see my crying eyes in hers? Or did you conceal the truth in blurs? Passing by…in the moonlight…there’s in his mind, but it will not reveal in time, there’s seconds t’ill collapse but he will fall into his trap, sublime…I WILL NOT BE EMBARASSED, I WILL NOT BE DISGRACED, I WILL BEAT YOGI BERRA, I WILL HANDLE THIS CASE, I AM STRONGER THAN MY OWN MIND AND I WILL NOT DELAY, IN PREACHING FOR ANOTHER TIME, BUT HANDLING THIS WAAAAAY!


RYAN: STOP! (The band stops) I did not expect that to work, Brennan, what are you doing?!


BRENNAN: I’m just doing what you do, Ryan, to get your feelings out. Song and shit, right? Too bad you didn’t make a song about how much you liked fucking Sarah, maybe I would’ve gotten the message that way.


RYAN: Yes, too bad I didn’t.


(Sarah discreetly slips a piece of paper off the table and stuffs it in her pocket)


BRENNAN: The point is, you hurt me! And for you to flaunt Sarah around like this borders on the cruel!

CHUCK: I’m beginning to suspect there’s a personal aspect to this performance.


BLIND MAN: Hey! This isn’t melemo-drama theatre, alright?!


RYAN: Shut up! We will play out our personal problems in public if we choose!


(Sarah gets up)


SARAH: If I could just say something-


BRENNAN: Shut the fuck up, whore.


(Ryan, livid, races for the stage jumps on it and punches Brennan in the face, they both fall over on top of each other, knocking over some of the band’s equipment, which lands on them, causing everybody, including Sarah, to gasp)


BLIND MAN: What happen?


(Cut to Ethan in his bathroom looking in the mirror. Kimberly comes in)






KIMBERLY: I’m sorry about that earlier.


ETHAN: Earlier as in literally thirty seconds ago?


KIMBERLY: It’s ancient history.


ETHAN: Okay.


KIMBERLY: I’ve just been under a lot of stress at the office-


ETHAN: Which is here.


KIMBERLY: I have to garner ten clients by July, so it’s a big thing.


ETHAN: Yeah, well I just have Mayor Sarandon to deal with. It’s the same stress I’ve been under for twelve years. Huh. In these modern times, I’m not sure which one of us deserves a back rub more.




ETHAN: It’s me, though.


(Ethan starts back rubbing himself)


KIMBERLY: I just have to go to that Memorial Day barbecue and WOW the pants, bras and socks off of those clients.


ETHAN: We’re having a barbecue? You know I hate those things.


KIMBERLY: It’s for my business.


ETHAN: Can I invite Mayor Sarandon?


KIMBERLY: You were just complaining about how much he was annoying you!


ETHAN: Yes and a barbecue would be the perfect opportunity to tell him the way it’s going to be now, rather than having to come into his office and lean over him like I’m Kevin Spacey or some shit.


(Ethan turns to her)


KIMBERLY: Fine, but he better not get jackass all over my clients?


ETHAN: So no Donkey fighting ring then?


(Cut to Kimberly, Jamie, Rob and Mel speaking with a potential male, black client in the Donahue backyard during their Memorial Day barbecue. There are numerous potential clients in places, tables with food and a grill in the background, as well as music. Everybody is in casual clothing, Rob is wearing an apron that says “KISS THE CHEFF”)


CLIENT: I’m glad you guys invited me over, I’ll take any opportunity to show my gratitude to the brave men and women of this country who have served overseas and fallen.


KIMBERLY: We greatly appreciate your sacrifice.


JAMIE: Yes, and we even offer a veteran’s discount, although that only applies I’ve you’ve served in a war we agree with…


CLIENT: Jesus.


(He walks away)


MEL: Jamie!


JAMIE: What?! Isn’t that our policy?!


KIMBERLY: No! That would be an incredibly offensive policy!


JAMIE: How do we know he wouldn’t qualify?


MEL: He served in Desert Storm!


JAMIE: Ouch. Sorry.


ROB: You young people are so opinionated.


JAMIE: At least I’m not wearing a misspelled “Kiss the Chef” apron when I’m not even cooking!


ROB: It’s a fashion statement! Who’s cooking anyway?


KIMBERLY: Ethan, doing his haphazard Guy Fieri impression.


(Cut to Ethan in his Guy Fieri costume of cargo shorts and a black and white bowling shirt with flames, grilling burgers with one hand and attempting to spike up his hair with gel with the other while Mayor Sarandon, a male and a female potential client watches)


ETHAN: (Guy Fieri impression) Okay, the trick is you have to flip the burgers one by one, you can’t flip ‘em all at the same time, that’d be bananas! I’m so stoked to have these burgers, almost as stoked as my totally BA hair do!


CLIENT: Please don’t get hair gel on our burgers.


ETHAN: Totally doable, brochache! Consider it forgotten!


(The hair gel falls onto the grill, causing them to groan in disgust)


ETHAN: (Normal voice) Goddamnit, I’m done with this.


(Ethan puts down the spatula washes his hands off and walks off somewhere with Mayor Sarandon)


CLIENT: Is someone going to tend to this?


(Cut to Ethan and Mayor Sarandon talking over by a fence)


ETHAN: Hey, Brian, I was hoping to talk to you about something-


MAYOR SARANDON: I was hoping to talk to YOU about something, check out that guy over there.


(Pan to an older white man with an American flag t-shirt on)


ETHAN: Who is he?


MAYOR SARANDON: He’s the leader of the Vermont TEA Party, Elliot Pallone, very influential in a gubernatorial primary, kiddo.


ETHAN: Really?


MAYOR SARANDON: Yep. You should go talk to him if you’re serious about 2016.


ETHAN: Well, of course I am, but-


MAYOR SARANDON: Then just broach a conversation.


ETHAN: …Okay.


(Ethan walks over to him)


ELLIOT: All them IRS folks are sayin’ nothin’ about the scandal, they’re just dodgin’ and pleadin’ the fifth. They’re just trying to hide the fact that they gave Dzhokar Tsarnaev and the British Cleaver attacker tax credits so they could build energy-friendly terror mosques!


OTHER TEA PARTY GUY: Damn straight.


ETHAN: Absolutely, I agree with that. You know, I am so proud and invested in America’s TEA Party, especially Vermont’s TEA Party, you guys make me proud to be a Vermonter. I mean, let’s face it, in this state, we’re usually surrounded by big government liberals.


ELLIOT: Oh, I know. It’s hard to breathe the air!


(Ethan laughs)


ETHAN: Indeed. You know, as just a hypothetical, if I were to run for a higher office here in Vermont, do you think your organization could see supporting me?


ELLIOT: I mean, is this one of those jokes where a guy asks a nerdy girl will go out with him and she says “yes” but then they just laugh in her face?


ETHAN: Of course not.


ELLIOT: Yes it is.


(Elliot and his friend laugh)


ETHAN: Pardon?


ELLIOT: We’re supporting Daniel Hudson as our TEA Party candidate for Governor, he’s right over there.


(Elliot points to a guy in a suit talking to some other people)


DANIEL: Rape victims sometimes have an inclination to exaggerate, do you understand?


WOMAN: Certainly.


ELLIOT: Look at him go! He’s belittled rape and rape victims like, four times in the last ten minutes! He’s perfect for us!


ETHAN: Don’t you always lose with those candidates?


ELLIOT: Not this time, brother!


DANIEL: Rape should be a misdemeanor.


ETHAN: Jesus Christ.


DANIEL: It’s like littering!


WOMAN: Oh, absolutely.


ETHAN: God, self-loathing women much?


ELLIOT: I beg your pardon?


ETHAN: Nothing, fuck this.


(Ethan walks away)


DANIEL: The rape problem in the military is not as big a problem as people think. Ever hear teens playing war games and saying they “raped” someone? Forty-eight percent of the time, they don’t mean that literally. And the other fifty-one percent of the time the woman was asking for it.


(Cut to Jordan in her room, laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling)


JORDAN: (Singing Justin Bieber) We're under pressure, seven billion people in the world trying to fit in, keep it together, a lot of them are starving though, anyway, smile on your face even though your heart is frowning. But hey now, you know, girl, we both know it's a cruel world, but I will take my chances… (Jacob taps on Jordan’s window. Jordan gets up and sees him. He waves) Yay!


(Jordan gets up and opens the window)


JACOB: Hey, were you just singing Justin Bieber?




JACOB: I heard you!


JORDAN: That was a joke! Anyway, come in. (Jacob crawls into her room and Jordan closes the window) So what are you doing here?


JACOB: I just wanted to see if you’d gotten the evidence we need to throw your parents and your mom’s mister in the clink.


JORDAN: I tried to, but cooler heads prevailed.


JACOB: Oh, what a pity.


JORDAN: Yeah. The ONE time I want to be hit.


JACOB: It’s like taking your car to the mechanic and then finding out your car has stopped beating you.


JORDAN: Well, I’m not giving up hope.


(Grace comes in)


GRACE: Honey, I-(She sees a shocked Jordan and Jacob) WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?!








(Grace slaps Jordan, making Jacob gasp)


JACOB: Miss DeFazio!







(Grace takes a belt off her pants and leans Jordan against the bed, and whips her with the belt, causing Jordan to howl in pain)









(Grace whips her again)


JACOB: Um, should I-




JACOB: ‘Kay. (Jacob climbs back out the window, but falls onto the grass) Ow! Sharp grass! That’s a lawsuit for sure! See ya!


(Jacob gets up and runs away. Cut to Michelle, Sarah, Michael, Oleander and Scott in a hospital room with two beds, one for Ryan and one for Brennan, they both have minor facial and bodily injuries and have numerous bandages)


BRENNAN: Is this Heaven?


MICHELLE: You really mistook a grody hospital in South Burlington for Heaven?


RYAN: You alright, Brennan?


BRENNAN: You’re right, this isn’t Heaven.


RYAN: Come on! We took our bruises, can’t we move forward?


BRENNAN: Move forward?! You put me in this hospital!


RYAN: I’m here too, right?!


BRENNAN: You punched me!


SARAH: You called me a fucking whore.


BRENNAN: NO! I told you to shut the fuck up, whore. There’s a difference.


MICHELLE: Still, that was a little much.


BRENNAN: Fine, I’m sorry! But you can’t tell me any of this is fair to me or that we’re even in any way!


RYAN: What do you want me to do? Do you want me to break up with Sarah? I’ll do it if that brings you any measure of peace.


SARAH: Now hold on-


BRENNAN: I don’t want that. All I want is a promise.


RYAN: Anything.


BRENNAN: A promise that you will never date me, kiss me or do anything sexual, sensual or suggestive with me ever again. A longing stare, a wink, a double fist-job or even goddamn peck on the check, I will tolerate none of it.


RYAN: Okay, done. And as for our friendship?


BRENNAN: Time heals all wounds.


RYAN: Good!


BRENNAN: Except for this one.


RYAN: Shit.


BRENNAN: I will feel just as angry and aggrieved in two weeks as I do right now.


MICHELLE: That’s a little melodramatic.


SARAH: By the way, what were you guys trying to accomplish by sending that weird waiter to our table?


MICHELLE: What waiter?


RYAN: Oh God.


BRENNAN: Just let me rest.


(The doctor comes in)


DOCTOR: You pricks, there are people dying by the thousands of the MERS-COV coronavirus and you guys are taking up hospital space!


RYAN: I thought that was only in the Middle East and Europe.


DOCTOR: Yeah, well I don’t want you guys fagging up my hospital! You’re all discharged!


BRENNAN: Damnit.


(Cut to Ryan and Doctor McMorris in a therapy session)


RYAN: So, I had an interesting Memorial Day weekend.


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: It was Memorial Day weekend?


RYAN: Uh, yeah, didn’t you have Monday off?


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Oh, I haven’t worked Mondays in ten years, I’m a therapist for God’s sake! The only thing I noticed about Monday was “oh, the mail didn’t come today”.


RYAN: That must be nice. Anyway, Brennan essentially said he didn’t want to have anything to do with me. Even our friendship is in the balance. With Morgan Freeman.


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Well, if he wants to be left alone, I suggest you do that. Even if it’s purely temporary.


RYAN: But I feel if I leave him alone, I’ll lose him as a friend.


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: If his bond to you is tight enough, he’ll be amiable to future contact. But for now, you need to let the wound heal. Don’t pick at it. (Cut to Ryan looking at his arm picking at one of his cutting scars) Ryan. Ryan!


(He looks up)


RYAN: What?


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Stop picking at that!


RYAN: Oh, sorry.


(He stops picking at it. Cut to Kimberly running through the park in her running gear. She runs around a bend and then stops for a sip of water from a public water fountain)


KIMBERLY: Ugh, this is bad.  I can’t imagine how bad colored water fountains were back in the day. But remember Kim, you can do this. You could sell sand at the beach. You could sell CO2 to the environment. You could sell weed at a High School. You can do this! (Cut to Kimberly speaking to that black client from earlier) I deeply and sincerely apologize for Jamie’s comments, that is not our policy at all. We believe all veterans deserve a discount.


BLACK CLIENT: Well, her words were very offensive, I don’t see how a company with that kind of employee could benefit my company well. Explain that to me.


KIMBERLY: Would you like some (she holds up a fist full of sand) sand?!


(Four of the black boaters from TDEP92 walk over, each wearing pink Bermuda shorts and light blue collared shirts)


BLACK BOATER: Hey! Mrs. Donahue! Remember us from two and a half weeks ago? You promised the four of us a partnership in your racquetball business.


KIMBERLY: And you’ve got it! (She puts her arm around one of the black boaters) These are just a few of my partners in crime.


BLACK BOATER: Poor choice of words.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, that’s not what I meant.


BLACK CLIENT: Nice to meet you four.


KIMBERLY: How rude of me! (Kimberly takes her arm off of the first black boater) This is George Brooks, gentlemen. He is a veteran of Desert Storm, and a proud one at that.


BLACK BOATER: Hello sir, I’m Phil Hastings, and these three are Sam, Eddie and Joaquin.


(They all shake hands)


GEORGE: Nice to meet you guys.


JOAQUIN: It’s a pleasure sir, I was in Iraq the second time around.


GEORGE: They say the sequel is never as good.


JOAQUIN: Was the first time that good?


GEORGE: It had better direction.


(They all laugh)


KIMBERLY: This is great! Let’s get a round, what do you guys want?


GEORGE: A glass of ice, please.


KIMBERLY: Just ice?


JOAQUIN: Yeah, could we just get a round of ice, please?


GEORGE: Dry ice, preferably?


(Cut to Ethan walking back over to Mayor Sarandon)


ETHAN: Well, that was a disaster.


MAYOR SARANDON: Really? Sorry to hear that. You know I have four other people here that could definitely-


ETHAN: You know what? No! No, I refuse to play this game! Every time I’m about to confront you about something you try to throw me off with some connection to a future possible exploratory gubernatorial run, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, just to make me feel like you actually have my best interests in mind and therefore absolve you of all the stupid bullshit I have to put up with when working with you! Your whoring, your alcoholism and your public embarrassments. I’ve known you for 21 years Brian, and my job continues to depend on you. However, I respectfully request since I’ve attained the position of COO, that you stop dragging me along on your ludicrous excursions.


(Ethan walks away, leaving Mayor Sarandon stunned)


MAYOR SARANDON: Eek, frisky puppy.


(Cut to Jacob and Jordan in his room, watching a video on Jacob’s computer of the inside of Jordan’s jacket with the audio playing)




JORDAN: You might want to turn this down in case your mom gets the wrong idea.


JACOB: Good idea. (Jacob turns it down, then pauses it) But this is great, huh? Definitive proof!


JORDAN: I know. I feel so liberated! Once school comes back on Tuesday, I’ll try to get this to the police by Wednesday, Thursday at the latest.


JACOB: Why not right now?


JORDAN: It’s Memorial Day, are they open?


JACOB: …They’re the police!


JORDAN: I suppose that’s true. Well I guess I’ll be off then.


JACOB: Come here. (Jordan gets close to Jacob) Your long nightmare is over. It’s time to spend your dream with me.


JORDAN: Thanks.


(They kiss. Jordan starts to leave and Jacob pats her ass as she leaves)


JACOB: I’m going to write that shit down in my quotes book.


(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Rob, Jamie, Mel and Jacob standing on the back porch, waving to people as they leave the Donahues backyard)


ETHAN: Bye! Thanks for coming! See you on Tuesday, Brian!


MAYOR SARANDON: (Annoyed) See ya.


KIMBERLY: We’ll keep in touch, George!


GEORGE: Yes we will!


JOAQUIN: So then there was this mortar, right? And it says to me-


(They leave, as does everybody eventually)




MEL: Nice, Kimmy!


(Kimberly and Mel shake hands, as well with Rob and Jamie)


JAMIE: Good job.


MEL: The only problem is we have four new employees! Those black guys, since when did we hire them?!


KIMBERLY: We gave them a partnership to recompense them for a not-to-be named infraction. But it might be okay, because they’re going to see if we can get the business of the Cardova Club.


ROB: Really?




MEL: They use more racquetballs per capita than the entire country of Croatia! If we can get that, then we can make it!

KIMBERLY: Damn right. Ten small clients? How about two huge clients?


ROB: That are black! That must add like ten pounds.


KIMBERLY: Shut up, Rob.


ETHAN: Congratulations, Kimmy. More good news is that I told off Mayor Sarandon.


KIMBERLY: Well, the bad news is that we now have to go on unemployment!


ETHAN: He’s not going to fire me. I’m indispensable. Without me, who would he drink with?


JACOB: I guess, himself? Like he always does?


ETHAN: I’ll be fine.


JACOB: Meanwhile, I got evidence of Jordan’s abusive parents!


ETHAN: Hoorahs all around!


JACOB: …Do you expect us to all say hoorah?



(Ryan walks in)


KIMBERLY: Hey Ryan, how was your Memorial Day weekend?


RYAN: Besides punching my ex-boyfriend and going to the hospital, it was pretty shitty.


JACOB: Those two things sound like they should be included in the shitty category.


RYAN: Then yeah, it was complete shit.


KIMBERLY: Are you and Brennan done as friends, though?


(Ryan turns around)


RYAN: Check back with me when time passes.


(Ryan walks into the house and shuts the door. Cut to black)




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