“The ring pull on my head is hard to pull, I have a short attention span, oh man I lost you in the middle of our talk. My mind’s gone for a walk again”
(We start with a card table in the KDGM studio with Alan, Luther, Faith, Natasha, Cooper and the two other KDGM chicks sitting at it)
ALAN: So how is everybody?
LUTHER: Well, I accidentally crushed a child’s head in a door hinge the other day.
(Ryan comes in)
RYAN: Hey guys!
(Everyone stands up)
EVERYONE EXCEPT RYAN: (Excitedly) Ryan!!!
ALAN: What’s up, man?
(Cut to Ryan on the second floor of a parking garage, painting something blue. Then cut back)
RYAN: Nothing, how is everybody?
FAITH: So much better now that you’re here! Have a seat!
(Ryan sits down. Cut to Ryan and Brennan walking on the beach together, laughing)
BRENNAN: We should walk on a black sand beach together!
RYAN: You got it.
(Ryan snaps and suddenly it’s a black sand beach)
BRENNAN: Thanks so much, Ryan! Bury me alive and don’t let me out!
(Ryan pushes Brennan into the sand and starts throwing sand onto him. Cut back to Ryan drawing on the parking garage second floor ground. He keeps drawing something in blue. Cut back to Ryan in KDGM at the card table)
NATASHA: So Ryan, tell us about your band.
RYAN: Oh, well, we’re doing well. We’re doing concerts at some small-time joints, but everyone starts somewhere. Maroon 5 started in their parent’s basement. And they should’ve stayed there.
(They all laugh exaggeratedly. Cut to Ryan, Paul and Brandon in a barbershop quartet in English class)
PAUL: Can this be a quartet if there’s merely three of us?
BRANDON: Nobody ever said we couldn’t! I say we make it a date!
RYAN: (Singing in deep, abrasive tones) CHILLING. KILLING. DISTILLING AND THEN SPILLING. WILLING. VICTIMS. WAVE AWAY THEIR SORROW, IT FEELS GOOD NOW, DON’T CARE ABOUT TOMORROW.
BRANDON: That was awesome!
PAUL: Dude, the three of us should go parasailing down the Tigris!
(Cut to Ryan drawing something blue again on the parking garage floor while Mr. Pannell and Stephen Colbert look on. Cut to Ryan in KDGM again. Alan and Luther are making out)
NATASHA: I always suspected.
(Alan turns around)
ALAN: Ryan, you want in on some of this action?
(Ryan starts kissing on Alan’s neck while he makes out with Luther. Cut to Ryan putting the finishing touches on his blue drawing on the parking garage floor. Once he’s done, the camera zooms out to reveal an intricate drawing of blue construction workers handing each other buckets, which eventually are poured into other buckets in a blue pyramid pattern. Zoom out even more to reveal Stephen Colbert and Mr. Pannell standing by)
STEPHEN COLBERT: This, is nowhere!
(Cut to Ryan waking up abruptly from bed)
RYAN: Oh my God…
(Cut to Ryan sitting at a computer in the KDGM studio while Natasha sits behind him, on her laptop. Ryan seems flustered while trying to edit something)
RYAN: Goddamnit…hey Natasha, I’m trying to make a title slide, but-
NATASHA: We have to edit stuff too, Ryan.
(Ryan holds his tongue in anger)
(Cut to Alan, Luther, Faith and the other two KDGM girls in the KDGM studio’s other room, sitting around on couches and chairs, talking)
FAITH: Isn’t this crazy? I mean, most of us are going to college, and I mean, like, it’s over! Right, Suzan?
SUZAN: I know, it’s almost too much.
ALAN: I’m going to miss you guys next year. It’ll just be Luther, Ryan and I.
LUTHER: I’ll still find ways to make Natasha feel like shit when she’s in college though.
(Faith is tearing up)
FAITH: I just can’t believe, it’s over! I mean, it’s over!
(Suzan, Luther and the other chick start tearing and choking up as well)
SUZAN: Are we ever gonna see each other again?!
LUTHER: I’m going to miss you guys so much! (Pan to Alan, whose expression is pretty stoic) Alan, why aren’t you as emotional as Faith, Suzan, Alexandra and I?
ALAN: I don’t know, Luther, you aren’t even graduating and this is the only time I’ve seen you cry ever.
(Ryan walks in)
RYAN: Hey guys, could you help me with-
FAITH, SUZAN, LUTHER, ALAN AND ALEXANDRA: (Angrily) RYAN!
(Faith throws a ball at Ryan)
FAITH: GET OUT, YOU RUINED THE MOMENT!
LUTHER: WHAT THE FUCK?!
(Ryan just turns around and leaves. Cut to Jacob, Roger, Beckett and Chris Hayes at Bernie’s Grinders in a booth)
CHRIS HAYES: This is so dope, senior skip day y’all!
ROGER: Chris, you’re a sophomore.
CHRIS HAYES: Yeah and I’m giving myself an unexcused absence to hang out with you guys, so how ‘bout some gratitude? Don’t worry nothing can harsh my monster buzz right now, I smoked a chief the size of my penis this morning.
JACOB: Wow, you’re totally setting yourself up for a joke there.
CHRIS HAYES: Bitch, this ain’t no joke.
JACOB: This is crazy, guys. Our High School career is coming to an end. Like, what’s the level of emotion here?
ROGER: I’m just, nostalging my pants right now.
BECKETT: Well, it’s more emotional then when I left middle school, but less emotional than when I left Elementary School, because there was this HOT AS FUCK teacher there, actually, I didn’t voluntarily leave Elementary School, a team of four able-bodied men and one weakling had to pull me out of there with all their might, I was kicking and screaming grabbing at everything they carried me by, door handles, sharp knives, ant hills, anything!
JACOB: I feel like-and this may just be me-that I don’t want to hear the rest of this story.
BECKETT: Long story short, I’m hooking up with that teacher over the summer. She was 22 then, she’s thirty now, and I’m legal! Talk about full circle, huh?
JACOB: I don’t know, I don’t remember Elementary School that well. I remembered we used to use a lot of yarn. Do you guys remember yarn? I haven’t touched yarn in ages.
ROGER: Holy shit, I completely forgot about yarn.
CHRIS HAYES: What is it, some sort of dank new strain of hash?
JACOB: You’re an idiot. Anyway, I remember my first day of High School, three and a half years ago.
(Flash back to August 24, 2009. A 15-year old Jacob is sitting on a bus next to a 15-year old Beckett)
RADIO NEWS: (Playing on bus) With the August recess winding down, members of congress are almost done asking their constituents what they should put down on a piece of paper and call healthcare reform.
(The bus driver changes the station to music)
JACOB: Are you nervous?
BECKETT: Fuck that, I’ve never been more excited in my life. I mean, shit, I’m a high schooler! This is the top of the food chain, I don’t have to answer to any one! I’m divorcing my family, did I tell you?
JACOB: No, you didn’t.
BECKETT: Well I’m divorcing my family.
JACOB: Got it.
BECKETT: Are you nervous?
JACOB: NO! I’m not nervous. I feel good too.
(A 16-year old Madeline pokes her head out from behind Jacob’s chair)
MADELINE: Sophomore year is going to be so special! I’m just going to dick around in the computer lab taking selfies for nine months. Seniors 2012!
(Cut to 15-year old Jacob in some class with a female teacher. Jacob is sitting next to Roger)
TEACHER: Okay, on this sheet I want you to write your name, your birthday, your favorite subject and why! Don’t write lunch!
ROGER: God, that’s so old.
TEACHER: Fine, don’t write pussy! Is that fresher for you?
JACOB: That’s just inappropriate.
TEACHER: I haven’t lost my job yet!
JACOB: Roger, what’d you put down as your favorite subject?
ROGER: Spanish, man. I love learnin’ about my culture and shit. (Jacob writes something down on his paper) What’d you put down?
JACOB: Um… (He turns his paper to the side to reveal he wrote down “Spanish, man. I love learning about my culture and shit”) …yeah.
ROGER: You’re not in Spanish and you’re not Hispanic, nigga!
JACOB: I know! But I had to put something down.
ROGER: You don’t have any class that you’re interested in?
JACOB: In terms of interest?
ROGER: …Yeah, in those terms.
JACOB: Not really.
ROGER: Well, don’t worry man, you’ll find your niche.
JACOB: I guess.
(Cut back to Jacob, Beckett, Roger and Chris Hayes at the Bernie’s Grinders booth in 2013. Jacob appears to be staring into space)
JACOB: Sorry, what?
CHRIS HAYES: You said you remembered your first day of High School in 2009 and then you just drifted off for a few minutes.
JACOB: Oh, sorry. I didn’t really have anything interesting to say.
BECKETT: I guess some things never change.
(Most of them laugh, except Jacob, who just smiles. The waitress comes over)
WAITRESS: Hi, I’ll take your order.
ROGER: Yeah, nigga, I’ll have-
CHRIS HAYES: Did you just call a white girl the N-word?
ROGER: It just comes out, nigga, I can’t control it! Anyway, I’ll have the Philly cheese steak with a bowl, an apple and an empty coke can, please.
(Cut to Jacob, Roger, Beckett in Chris Hayes in Roger’s car with Roger driving)
BECKETT: I was watching this documentary last night called “Trailer Park Boys” and today, I don’t know, I feel so cultured and informed.
ROGER: Yeah, that’s insightful shit.
JACOB: Okay, see you guys later.
ROGER: See ya, dawg.
(Jacob and Roger pump fists, as do Beckett and Jacob. Jacob gets out and goes to his car and gets in. He adjusts his mirror and notices an American White Pelican flying overhead. Cut to Jacob walking into his house. He goes upstairs and goes into his room. He takes out his laptop, sits on his bed and goes to Netflix. He looks up “Revenge” and starts streaming an episode where Victoria Grayson and Conrad Grayson are holding wine glasses and drinking white wine while talking on a balcony)
VICTORIA: Hello there, Conrad.
CONRAD: Hello there, Victoria, could I get you some more wine?
VICTORIA: Of course.
(Conrad pours an inordinate amount of wine into Victoria’s glass making it overflow for several seconds before he stops. He puts the bottle down and Victoria’s hand shakes and drops the glass)
VICTORIA: YOU BASTARD! You know I’m not strong enough to hold that much wine!
CONRAD: What does this mean?
VICTORIA: This means REVENGE!
JACOB: I love this show.
(Cut to Ryan, Paul, Brandon and Dick in English class with Ms. Pinnicetti, along with most other people)
PAUL: Well, it’s dead week.
DICK: And we’re not just talking about how Ryan feels inside.
RYAN: Thanks, Dick.
DICK: You’re welcome!
RYAN: But yeah, this week just consists of cramming for tests and making up a lot of shit you forgot to do. Did you hear about that kid in Oregon? He procrastinated on bombing and shooting up his school for so long that it was the end of the year when he finally got around to it! How is that diligent?
BRANDON: Plus, he got caught.
RYAN: Well, it shows him for cramming his school shooting.
PAUL: I think-
(The power goes out, causing the girls in class to scream. You can see nobody in the room)
RYAN: How is that going to solve anything?
MS. PINNICETTI: What happened?!
RYAN: The lights went out.
BRANDON: Yes, but why and who did it?
DICK: Okay, let’s play seven minutes in Heaven!
PAUL: Definitely not.
DICK: It’s dark, I’m playing it whether you like it or not!
RYAN: I’m down!
DICK: I’ll go down on you!
BRANDON: No you won’t!
RYAN: He already has.
PAUL: Jesus, how?
DICK: I’m quick, like a fox!
MS. PINNICETTI: Okay guys, just calm down!
RYAN: We’re calm.
(Joe gets up)
(Joe runs out of the room)
MS. PINNICETTI: JOE!
(Cut to Ryan, when the lights are on, walking out of the KDGM studio room after being berated. He then walks out of the entire KDGM studio area)
RYAN: It can’t be like this next year. I need to round up the troops for a strong KDGM next year. At any cost. (Ryan walks to the front office to see Morgan, Maxell’s secretary) Morgan, I would like to know what class Michael Bingaman is in right now.
(Cut to Michael sitting in a Chemistry class)
CHEMISTRY TEACHER: We need to review thoroughly for the chemistry exam next week. So let’s start with the basics. What is Chemistry the study of? (There is silence. Then Michael raises his hand) Yes, Michael?
CHEMISTRY TEACHER: …No, that’s…that’s wrong.
(Ryan comes in)
RYAN: Sorry to interrupt, could I borrow someone to use for a KDGM skit?
CHEMISTRY TEACHER: Who were you looking to borrow?
(Ryan walks in a little more)
RYAN: Oh, I don’t know, eenie, meenie, miney, EMO!
(Ryan points to Michael)
MICHEAL: I’ve been selected?
RYAN: Come on down!
(Michael gets up and leaves with Ryan)
CHEMISTRY TEACHER: How nice. Anyway, next part of the review. C02 levels have reached 400 parts per million in the atmosphere, but why do you not need to worry about this?
STUDENT: Because it’s not Chemistry?
CHEMISTRY TEACHER: No! Because if the dinosaurs could handle it, WE can!
STUDENT: Dinosaurs went extinct-
CHEMISTRY TEACHER: Moving on!
(Cut to Ryan and Michael in the hallway, talking)
MICHAEL: So, what do I need to do? I have standards, no butt stuff.
RYAN: No, you’re not doing a skit, I’m just trying to recruit people for next year’s KDGM.
RYAN: Yeah. There’s no way it’s just going to be me, Alan and Luther. That would be, a nightmare of douchiness.
MICHAEL: I don’t know man, I don’t know if I have enough lack of originality to be in the school’s skit program.
RYAN: Hey! My shit’s good, it’s Natasha, Faith and the others who rehash overused internet memes and make Native American men shed a single tear.
MICHAEL: That’s true.
RYAN: Plus, we would be such a fun duo in that class! For the past four and a half months I’ve felt like a stranger in that class, finally, in three months, I’ll be with friends!
MICHAEL: …Okay. Okay, I’ll do it.
RYAN: Awesome! Let’s recruit more willing souls.
MICHAEL: Like who?
(Cut to Ryan and Michael talking to Zach outside a classroom)
ZACH: What the hell is that?
RYAN: It’s the…it’s the school news/skit thing that plays every day at the end of second period!
ZACH: Oh, those faint images covered in glare with poor sound quality that we ignore while we talk?
RYAN: …Yes, unfortunately.
ZACH: Well, if they call that a school news/skit program, then an ophthalmology test is a goddamn opera! I’m in for a penny and in for a pound to improve KDGM!
RYAN: I like the enthusiasm! (Ryan shakes Zach’s hand) Let’s Camp David this bitch!
(They pile their hands on top of each other and shake them while looking towards the camera, smiling unnaturally wide)
ZACH: This is awesome!
MICHAEL: We should make this a thing!
(A pixelated box appears reading “ZACH STIEGEL HAS JOINED YOUR PARTY!”. Cut to Ryan, Zach and Michael walking down the hallway)
RYAN: Who’s next?
MICHAEL: How about Brandon Nehring?
RYAN: Um…I don’t know about it.
MICHAEL: What don’t you know about him? His name’s Brandon Nehring, he’s smart as shit and his car’s bumper stickers scream nerd.
RYAN: Right, but is he telegenic? He’s a seventeen year old with sideburns.
MICHAEL: I thought you liked Brandon.
RYAN: I do, I just…I don’t think he’s interested.
ZACH: Is it because he dated Sarah?
RYAN: What? No. I’m over that, that was like six months ago, I mean, I won! I have Sarah, what do I have to be bitter about?
ZACH: Well, I’m out of ideas! We’ve hit an impasse here! Don’t just shoot down suggestions, come up with your own!
RYAN: What are you talking about? That was one idea I shot down, an idea you didn’t even come up with!
ZACH: I’m drawing a blank, who else would want to do this?
RYAN: Plenty of…people?
MICHAEL: …Are you implying that we should recruit animals?
RYAN: That would be adorable, but no.
MICHAEL: How about we get the Gregory Brothers?
RYAN: I don’t know, I tend to think we’re a little too prestigious of an institution for them.
ZACH: Yeah, we’re the big leagues.
RYAN: Scott, maybe? No, he’s graduating. Maybe we should get a girl?
MICHAEL: No, if girls sneeze on camera, they cease to exist, I’m not taking that risk.
RYAN: Good thinking! You know what? Let’s just go into a class room and see who’s there, maybe that will help.
MICHAEL: Good idea.
(Ryan, Michael and Zach walk into a random class room. Cut to Jacob asleep on his bed with Netflix playing. Flashback to November Wednesday, November 3, 2010, a sixteen-year old Jacob is sitting on the bus, next to Roger)
RADIO ANNOUNCER: In last night’s midterms, Republicans gained control of 64 seats in the House of Representatives, seizing that body, reduced the Democratic Majority in the Senate, and somehow, gained control of the majority of American Mosques. My God, they’re good!
ROGER: Hey Jacob.
JACOB: What’s up?
ROGER: You see that bitch over there?
JACOB: Which bitch? I see the hipster bitch, the artsy bitch and the plumber’s daughter bitch, but I don’t know which one you’re talking about.
ROGER: No, the theatre bitch, look!
(Jacob looks and sees a sixteen year old Kirsten Snowe sitting near the front)
JACOB: Oh, the brunette?
ROGER: Yeah, do you know her?
JACOB: No, why?
ROGER: She’s a total cunt.
JACOB: is that like a Total Gym but with a cunt? Because I could use some exercise in that area.
ROGER: I don’t know, she just talks to me like I’m stupid. In our English class, she asked me if I read the book, and I was like, “too high for that, nigga” and then she asked me what I had said because I mumbled it, and at that point I was done talking to her. Apparently I’m too stupid to her to speak well! Give me a fucking break.
JACOB: How tragic.
(Kirsten turns around to talk to someone behind her and Jacob rather likes what he sees. Cut to a 15-year old Trey leaning on his car, wearing a muscle shirt with pit stains. A 15-year old Colleen walks by)
TREY: Hey girl.
COLLEEN: Heeeey. Who are you?
TREY: I’m Trey.
COLLEEN: Treeey. I like that name. Why do you smell so bad?
TREY: It’s my pits, girl. It’s a good thing. I work out, HARD.
COLLEEN: Whoa, I didn’t realize that until you just spun it as a good thing. I like that.
(A 17-year old Madeline walks by)
MADELINE: Stay away from him, Colleen, if you know what’s good for you.
(Jacob runs over to Madeline)
JACOB: Hey Maddie, can I ask you something?
JACOB: Do you know who Kirsten Snowe is?
MADELINE: Yeah, she’s a friend of a friend with benefits, why?
JACOB: Because I kind of…like her, and I was wondering if you knew anything that could get me closer to her. Does that make sense?
MADELINE: Totally. Um, she’s involved in a lot of clubs, like theatre club and book club, the five-timers club and over-actor’s anonymous.
JACOB: What do those clubs entail?
MADELINE: Regular participation, outside work and a monthly report, like most clubs here.
JACOB: …Uh, never mind. Thanks.
(Jacob walks away, leaving Madeline confused. Cut to Jacob in modern day, waking up on his bed. While credits play on his Netflix. He closes his laptop, rubs his eyes and looks over to see Ryan, which startles him)
JACOB: JESUS! What are you doing here?!
RYAN: I live here, Jacob!
JACOB: You don’t live in my room!
RYAN: That’s true, I’m not some sophomore runaway slut.
JACOB: Fuck you!
RYAN: Hey listen, I was about to go to drug therapy, are you interested?
JACOB: Interested in what?
RYAN: Going to drug therapy with me. Dad told me you wanted to become a drug counselor when you grow up.
JACOB: Um…oh yeah. I do.
RYAN: Great! So do you want to see how the ineffectual sausage is made?
JACOB: Am I allowed to just sit in and watch? Plus, I thought you finished drug therapy two and a half months ago.
RYAN: I did, but, I’m doing another tour. Apparently I still do drugs. Anyway, yeah, you can sit, watch and observe. You’re not high, are you?
JACOB: No, I was just sleepy.
RYAN: Okay well, just take my hand and I’ll drive you there.
JACOB: I said I wasn’t high.
RYAN: Well I am, so take my FUCKING HAND!
(Cut to Ryan in group therapy. Jacob is sitting next to him)
MR. PROSKOVEC: Ryan, who’s this?
RYAN: This is my brother Jacob, he wants to be a drug counselor someday, he wants to see how it’s done.
JACOB: I’m considering becoming a drug counselor.
MR. PROSKOVEC: Well, I tell you, it’s a very rewarding position. Unless you have a drug problem, in which case it’s an uphill battle to not buy from your patients.
MR. PROSKOVEC: Anyway, welcome back, all those who returned. Those who didn’t return are still relapsing in a bush somewhere, so don’t feel bad, they haven’t succeeded either.
RYAN: Isn’t it your job to make them succeed-
MR. PROSKOVEC: Let’s get started! Now Jacob, it’s important for your patients to feel as if their drug problem is a weakness rather than a reprehensible vice. So, let’s get started. Scott, do you want to share?
(Cut to Ms. Pinnicetti’s English class during the blackout)
MS. PINNICETTI: Everybody remain calm, there’s no need for panic.
BRANDON: How long until we resort to cannibalism?
MS. PINNICETTI: At least a couple more minutes.
(Principal Maxell and Mr. Pannell walk into the room)
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: This is worse than we or anyone thought!
MR. PANNELL: A man apparently just sauntered up to the Hansbay electrical kill switch, which evidently shuts off all power in Hansbay, and he just switched it off!
RYAN: Why would our kill switch just be out in the open?!
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: According to Mayor Sarandon, when we called him, it’s because “no one would suspect that”.
MS. PINNICETTI: Why doesn’t someone just go and turn the switch back on?
MR. PANNELL: Apparently the guy who switched it off took the switch with him, so it’s a little more difficult than that.
RYAN: This is a tragedy! What if I can’t edit for KDGN today?!
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: KDGN’s done for the year anyway, Ry-Ry, sorry to break it to you. You won’t be doing it again until September when you’re promoting whatever the VDE is with Alan and Luther by doing a hackneyed rap routine.
RYAN: Jesus, you’re right. I do not want to rap about the no-no-no-notorious VDE.
MR. PANNELL: Let’s all join in a prayer.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I don’t think that’s legal.
MR. PANNELL: Dear God, would you, would you, please turn the lights back on? Because of you our lights are gone. Please, please, turn the lights back on!
JOE: I HATE YOU GOD! I denounce my religion because of this!
RYAN: Wow, you give up on your religion really easily.
JOE: Well, what’s keeping me from Ms. Pinnicetti’s apartment besides God?
MS. PINNICETTI: My restraining order.
MR. PANNELL: ENOUGH! God will carry us through. Now let’s keep the emo kids from crowding the restrooms, speaking of which, where’s Ryan?
(Cut to Ryan and Sarah making out in a dark bathroom stall. Sarah stops for a second)
SARAH: This is so dirty.
RYAN: Don’t get too excited, once the lights come back on, this will be revealed for the unabashed bacchanal it is.
SARAH: What’s a bachmannal?
RYAN: It’s Michelle Bachmann’s retirement party where she has sex with multiple lobbying groups.
SARAH: I doubt that.
RYAN: Let’s just enjoy this blackout, shall we?
SARAH: Come with me.
(Sarah drags Ryan by the hand out of the bathroom and into the dark hallways)
RYAN: It’s like midnight in Istanbul, we can do whatever we want! Except here they’ve already banned alcohol and PDA.
SARAH: Chase me!
(Sarah starts running and Ryan chases after her as they both laugh. Sarah turns a corner, but Ryan stops to catch his breath)
RYAN: Jesus, I’m out of shape…fucking Netflix and their instantaneous gratification…
(Cut to Sarah running through the hallway, thinking Ryan is after her, when she runs into Luther, literally)
(She falls down and Luther helps her up)
LUTHER: Are you okay?
(Sarah has her hand on her head)
SARAH: God, that hurt!
LUTHER: I’m sorry.
SARAH: No, no, it’s my fault. I was running in a dark hallway. Have you seen my boyfriend anywhere around here?
LUTHER: Who’s he?
SARAH: Ryan Donahue, I think you’re in KDGM with him.
LUTHER: Oh, of course you guys are dating.
SARAH: Of course.
LUTHER: That’s a badass giggle.
SARAH: Thank you.
LUTHER: God, you’re small. So much smaller than most of the girls I know.
SARAH: I’m assuming you meant that as a compliment.
LUTHER: Don’t assume anything. You know, while you’re waiting for your boyfriend, you can come into the classroom I’m in and hang out with us.
SARAH: I’ll just call him.
(Sarah takes out her phone and calls Ryan. Cut to Ryan at the corner where he started panting. He composes himself and then runs a little before, running right into Preston Hernandez, knocking both of them out cold. Ryan’s phone then rings. Cut back to Sarah on the phone)
RYAN’S VOICEMAIL: (Crying) HEY! IT’S RYAN! WHY AM I RECORDING MY VOICEMAIL RIGHT NOW?! LEAVE ME A MESSAGE!
(Harrowing cry and hang up noise. Sarah hangs up)
SARAH: He didn’t answer.
LUTHER: Just come in here.
SARAH: I can just go back and look for him.
LUTHER: He probably passed out from the choking game or maybe he was doing whippits, just come in here.
(Luther takes Sarah’s hand)
(Luther leads Sarah into a study hall type room with a few battery-operated lamps on. There are no seats except for a two person couch at the side of the room, the rest are just tables. Alan is sitting on one part of the two person couch)
SARAH: This looks pretty cool in the dark.
LUTHER: You know what else looks pretty cool in the dark?
ALAN: Luther, easy.
(Luther sits on the couch, right next to Alan)
SARAH: Um, are there any other seats in this room?
LUTHER: Nope. I guess you’ll have to sit on my lap.
SARAH: This is a classroom, how are there no other seats here?
(Cut to the dark Hansbay High bathroom, it is filled with class chairs. Cut back)
LUTHER: Come here, I don’t bite.
ALAN: What about that time you bit that girl?
LUTHER: That was a joke!
SARAH: Like, what Alan just said was a joke or you biting the girl was a joke?
LUTHER: Just sit here.
SARAH: …I guess.
(Sarah sits on Luther’s lap)
LUTHER: Ryan’s first day at KDGM, I swear, he was more medicated than McCauley Culkin at Lindsay Lohan’s wedding.
SARAH: That doesn’t surprise me.
ALAN: Does it concern you?
LUTHER: Shh, Alan, so listen, what is a pretty little chick like you doing with a kid like that?
SARAH: Ryan’s flawed, but he’s a really good guy.
LUTHER: I know tons of really good guys, they’re all assholes.
SARAH: Wouldn’t that make them not really good guys?
LUTHER: There’s plenty of reasons to see things in a different light, Sarah. But someone has to provide the light. How long have you been dating Ryan?
SARAH: On and off for the past seven months, but we broke up in February and didn’t get back together until a week ago.
LUTHER: I don’t want to talk about Ryan anymore. (Luther puts his hand on Sarah’s chin) I know you don’t. Ryan probably doesn’t.
SARAH: Are you kidding me? Ryan is almost always concerned with himself.
LUTHER: Is he now?
RYAN: (Offscreen) Am I really?
(Sarah turns around to see Ryan with a shiner on his forehead)
SARAH: Oh, hey Ryan. (Ryan walks further into the classroom) Where were you?
RYAN: Let’s just say I ran into a friend.
(Preston peeks his head in, also bearing a shiner)
PRESTON: We’re friends?
RYAN: Fuck off, Preston.
PRESTON: I’m going to tweet this moment!
(Preston walks away)
SARAH: What does that mean?
RYAN: Why are you still on Luther’s lap?
SARAH: Because I’m not doing anything wrong! There were not enough seats!
RYAN: Oh my God, don’t give me that shit! This is dangerously verging on unfaithfulness!
SARAH: Well, you would know.
RYAN: Get the FUCK-
(The power comes back on and Sarah immediately jumps up from Luther’s lap. Pan down to see Dick unzipping Ryan’s pants)
DICK: Jesus, fine! I’ll leave if you insist!
(Dick gets up and walks out of the room)
RYAN: Well, the light of day seemed to scare you out of Luther’s lap. Was it because I could finally see where Luther’s index finger was going?
LUTHER: Ryan, please. Don’t make accusations. Sarah and I, and to a lesser extent, Alan, were just hanging out. You’re overreacting. I’ll see you in KDGM in half an hour, we can kick Stem’s ass, huh?
SARAH: He’s right Ryan, this was all innocent.
RYAN: I think now you should be able to understand my self-concern. Let’s go, Sarah.
(Ryan grabs Sarah’s arm and they leave the room)
ALAN: Thanks for sharing.
LUTHER: Alan, I love you, but you’re the fucking mascot and you will not be able to overcome that obstacle until you’re at least thirty and you’ve burned every year book you’ve ever owned and moved to Iowa.
(Cut to Ryan, Zach and Michael walking into a classroom where the female teacher is seated, playing online Grand Theft Auto while the rest of her students are just hanging out. The notable students in the room are Brennan, Hudson, Samuel, Tim, Blake and Ross. Half of them, including Ross, Hudson and Tim, are playing League of Legends on their respective laptops)
RYAN: Attention, everyone! Oh, hi Brennan.
TEACHER: Excuse me, this class is in session.
RYAN: You’re playing GTA and half of these chumps are playing League on their laptops.
HUDSON: Runescape, actually.
TEACHER: Well, what do you want?
RYAN: I’m from KDGM and I’d like to speak to the following people, who have been drafted for service in the KDGM platoon. (Ryan unfolds a piece of paper and looks at it, revealing it says nothing but “Idea for USA network show…there’s a detective…and there’s some sort of gimmick! Think about it.” He then looks up) Hudson McBride, Timothy Ivan Doris, Ross Higgins, Blake Veasey and last, but also least, Brennan Sanford.
(Brennan looks up, surprised. Cut to outside the classroom where Ryan, Michael, Zach, Hudson, Tim, Ross, Blake and Brennan are all talking)
BRENNAN: Why the hell would I want to be in this with you?
RYAN: Brennan, this is my olive branch, either grab onto it or take a hike.
BRENNAN: I guess I’ll take a hike.
RYAN: How can you hike without an olive branch?
BRENNAN: Easily, olive branches are thin and sticky, I’ll use a goddamn redwood branch. Plus, you said I was “last, but also least”.
RYAN: It was a joke I’ve been waiting to use for a long time, I’m sorry you had to be the recipient.
BRENNAN: Why didn’t you use it on Hudson?
RYAN: Because he’s ginger and therefore requires special treatment and pity.
HUDSON: Come on, man.
RYAN: Brennan, I’m trying to save a friendship from dying! It’s bleeding out and I’m telling it to stay with me, to not fall asleep, but fuck, I don’t even have a tourniquet!
BRENNAN: Why now?! Why this?! I need time!
RYAN: Because I need to prove to Sarah, and to all parties involved, that I can keep my squid on a leash.
RYAN: I want to prove that my landing gear isn’t on the loose.
BRENNAN: What are the words that you’re saying right now?
BLAKE: I think he’s saying that his bleached beach won’t be tugging the ampersand.
BRENNAN: That’s not helpful!
RYAN: I’m saying I want to prove my penis won’t wander.
BRENNAN: Oh, wow, why didn’t you just say that?! Your euphemisms for penis are really strange.
BRENNAN: How is me being in KDGN prove that?
RYAN: You’re my former lover and best friend of eleven years!
ROSS: Sorry, do we really have to be witness to this? Fifty years ago you two would already have been beat up, retard and feathered and dumped in a dumpster a mile away.
RYAN: Yeah, well, you would’ve been denied a seat on a-fucking-water fountain-and-shut up!
ROSS: That was bumbled.
BRENNAN: Ryan, we have no chance of getting back together. Like ever. I’m like Taylor Swift on cocaine.
RYAN: Isn’t Taylor Swift Taylor Swift on cocaine?
BRENNAN: She doesn’t do cocaine!
RYAN: How can someone say “ever” that many times if they’re not bumping it? The point is though, I’m also surrounding myself with Michael, who has been with me before-
RYAN: And all the other hot and sexy individuals in this exclusively male group who I am dying to fuck, even as we speak. I’m half-hoping the lights go back off. But, I won’t! Because it’s wrong.
BRENNAN: This isn’t convincing me.
RYAN: Fine Brennan, you want to know the truth?
BRENNAN: Why do people always ask that, who wants to be lied to?
RYAN: The American people in regard to drone strikes killing innocent civilians.
BRENNAN: Oh yeah.
RYAN: But here’s the truth! Luther overstepped a boundary with Sarah today and Sarah let him! She needs to learn what jealousy feels like, otherwise she could go even further with other guys; I mean, you’ve seen that she’s capable of adultery.
BRENNAN: Yeah, because of you.
RYAN: Just know that I want you in KDGM with me and this whole Sarah thing is sort of a byproduct. Trust me, you’ll feel better about the whole thing when school reconvenes in late August.
BRENNAN: Ryan, I don’t know-
(Luther walks over)
LUTHER: Hey Ryan, so sorry about your chick. She like, double-dog insisted that she sit in my lap. Alan offered a chair, but she, she refused! She asked Alan “how dare you?” So, that was just a huge misunderstanding. What we have here is a failure to communicate the fact that I was not attempting to fuck your girlfriend. Alright dude, see ya on the flippity-flip.
(Luther walks away)
BRENNAN: Okay, I’m in.
RYAN: There we go! (Ryan and Brennan shake hands and eventually stop) Now how about all of you? Are you guys down to be in KDGM?
HUDSON: I don’t know, I’m sort of taciturn.
RYAN: Trust me Hudson, you’ll find your footing in KDGM. When people see you being funny on camera, they’ll admire your work even if they don’t give a shit about you as a person.
HUDSON: Is that supposed to be a sales pitch?
RYAN: Do you want me to get Luther back over here?
(Cut to Wednesday, May 2, 2012. A 17-year old Jacob is in the bathroom, washing his hands. He turns off the faucet and turns toward the paper towel dispenser. He pulls on a paper towel with one hand, causing the paper towel to tear)
(An 18-year old Dirk Jameson comes over)
DIRK: You think you can just, just, mamby pamby pull on that towel like it’s your dick in the winter time?!
JACOB: What are you talking about?!
DIRK: You’re SUPPOSED to pull on it with BOTH hands, you degenerate! That’s paper towels 101! If you rip one part, that causes a chain reaction, like when you stab through multiple layers of toilet paper!!
SOME VOICE: HEY!
(Pan over to see an 18-year old Kirsten standing there)
KIRSTEN: Leave him alone. I don’t care if he pulls on those towels with his teeth, now you get out of here, thug.
DIRK: This is a disgrace. Some chick is in the boy’s bathroom trying to tell me what to do!
KIRSTEN: Fuck, I am in the boy’s bathroom, aren’t I?
KIRSTEN: You’re welcome. Wait, did you really need my help?
JACOB: No. (They both chuckle) But I appreciate that you took advantage of the fact you accidentally wandered into the boy’s bathroom.
KIRSTEN: Yeah, I wasn’t thinking, I suppose.
JACOB: You know, I’ve seen you around.
KIRSTEN: Yeah, I go here.
KIRSTEN: You know, I vaguely remember Maddie talking a lot about you at lunch one day sophomore year.
JACOB: About a year and a half ago?
JACOB: Well, it’s because I asked about you.
KIRSTEN: Why’s that?
JACOB: Call it curiosity.
KIRSTEN: Have you ever heard of Facebook?
JACOB: Not a word.
KIRSTEN: I can’t say I haven’t noticed you either, but, I don’t think it’s for the reasons you want.
JACOB: Oh…I see.
KIRSTEN: Don’t take it like that. If you really wanted to get to know me, why didn’t you just join the clubs I’m involved in?
JACOB: Because I don’t involve myself in that shit. I just don’t.
KIRSTEN: Well maybe that’s a problem! You know, I haven’t seen you with too many girlfriends in the last two and a half years either!
JACOB: Oh, but I see them. Most of the time though I just want to sink into the wallpaper. High, of course.
KIRSTEN: You get high?
JACOB: Have you ever looked at wall paper high?
KIRSTEN: I’ve never gotten high.
JACOB: Every contour of the wallpaper morphs into these faces that you’ve never noticed before, but were apparently always there.
KIRSTEN: Like I said, I’ve never gotten high.
JACOB: But haven’t you wondered what it’s like?
KIRSTEN: I can’t say it hasn’t crossed your mind.
JACOB: Forget about things crossing your mind when you’re high.
KIRSTEN: Honestly, that’d be nice. I have such an erratic schedule.
JACOB: I have the luxury of getting high and not having an erratic schedule. (Jacob walks closer to Kirsten) I live at 1191 Milk River Drive, the name’s Jacob Donahue.
(Jacob walks out of the bathroom, leaving Kirsten intrigued)
KIRSTEN: Are you learning from this, Jacob? Jacob?
(Cut to Jacob in the group therapy session, not paying attention)
MR. PROSKOVEC: Jacob, are you okay?
(He suddenly starts paying attention again)
JACOB: Sorry, what’d you say?
MR. PROSKOVEC: Are you learning from this? Quincy just shared that he once took ecstasy in the back of an ice cream truck and stayed there for two days, convinced that he was in a rave and that the ice cream song was just “shitty house music”. Do you understand how unstable that sort of lifestyle is?
JACOB: …Yeah, I uh…sorry…I have to go.
(Jacob gets up and leaves the room, to Ryan’s confusion)
MR. PROSKOVEC: What the hell was that about?
RYAN: I don’t know. Thanks for using Quincy instead of my name, by the way.
MR. PROSKOVEC: You’re welcome.
(Cut to Jacob on the couch in the Donahue household. Ryan comes in and goes over to him)
RYAN: Dude, what the hell?
JACOB: I’m sorry, okay?
RYAN: That was a great educational opportunity and you just blew it off! What’s gotten into you? And don’t tell me it’s your goddamn stomach!
JACOB: I never said anything about my stomach!
RYAN: Good! Now what is it? I thought you were interested in drug therapy!
JACOB: …I don’t know, Ryan. When I came up with the idea to pursue drug therapy, I…was probably just doing it to assuage an awkward moment when I had jackshit to say when it came to what I wanted to do…
RYAN: Jacob, that’s okay. (Ryan sits down next to Jacob) Some people don’t know what they want to do until they’re much older, hell, sometimes a job someone ends up making a career out of doesn’t exist when they’re a teenager! Like, Mark Zuckerberg or an aspiring newspaper columnist, although I guess in that case it’d be the other way around.
JACOB: It’s not just that, Ryan! (Tearing up) I have no talents, no ambition, I only live for NOW! And it’s killing me!
(Jacob, teary-eyed, looks down and starts crying. Ryan puts his arm around him and pats him on the back with reassurance. Ryan also begins to well up. Cut to Ryan, Zach, Blake, Hudson, Tim, Brennan, Ross and Michael outside the KDGN room)
RYAN: Alright you guys, this is going to be sick! We’re going to march in there, as an army of one, and-
ROSS: But we’re eight people.
RYAN: I rounded. Anyway, we’re going to go in there and I will triumphantly declare your guys’ intentions to be in KDGM next year!
MICHAEL: Let’s do it!
(They all march in there and walk over to Mrs. Stem’s office, where she’s on her computer. She turns around)
MRS. STEM: Hello, Ryan.
RYAN: Hello, Mrs. Stem. I am now declaring unto thee the intention of these seven people to be in KDGM next year! How say you?
MRS. STEM: There’s a stack of applications on the desk right there, grab as many as you need, you’ll need recommendations from an administrator, an English teacher and a technology teacher and you’ll need to write an essay and schedule a one on one interview, I will let you know whether you’ve gotten into the class literally the block before the first class starts, so be prepared.
(Mrs. Stem turns toward her computer, leaving them all underwhelmed. Cut to black)
© Copyright 2016 NEONETWORK. All rights reserved.
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
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