THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA
BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE GREEK TOURISM ORGANIZATION
KEVIN SPACEY (NARRARATOR): What happens when you put the King and Queen of Ithaca, Circe, Polyphemus, Calypso, Hermes, Helios, Telemachus, Adreines and rude suitors on the same island? Find out
in…”THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA”.
KEVIN SPACEY VOICE-OVER: Today, Odysseus and Penelope have been told to go horse-back riding in East Ithaca to improve their marriage. But Antinious has different plans…
ANTINIOUS: Odysseus and Penelope are sooo wrong for each other. I’m going to break those two up, so Penelope can get some sweet, Antinious loving.
ODYSSEUS: Guy’s a dick.
(Odysseus is in the royal kitchen with Penelope planning the trip when Antinious and Eurymachus come in.)
ANTINIOUS: Hey Penelope, Odysseus. What are you guys doing?
PENELOPE: We’re planning to go horseback riding.
ODYSEUSS: Yeah, so why don’t you piss off?
ANTINTIOUS: Hold the f**king phone…what’d you say to us?
EURYMACHUS: Yeah! What’s a phone? I mean, yeah!
ODYSEUSS: Piss off.
ANTINIOUS: AW, HELL NO! I will not take that s**t from you!
PENELOPE: Okay, calm down, guys. We don’t want any violence like the last time Odysseus killed you.
ODYSEUSS: Yeah, how the hades did you come back?
ANTINIOUS: I have my ways.
ANTINIOUS: Odysseus is such a jerkoff! I’m going to bash away at him forever with a cause to arms, with which religion decides onto the chosen few, the truth is, I WANT PENELOPE.
ODYSSEUS: We’re going to have a nice time, do you mind?
ANTINIOUS: No I don’t care; I just don’t like to be disrespected. Capiche?
(Polyphemus the Cyclops comes in.)
POLYPHEMUS: Hey, I just want to tell everybody something. I cut off my balls.
POLYPHEMUS: Oh, and I’m dating Circe.
ODYSSEUS: You’re dating Circe?
POLYPHEMUS: Circe is a hot, sexy magical woman, and she makes me very happy. Wow, this interview room is small, am I even in full view?
ODYSSEUS: Congratulations…I guess?
POLYPHEMUS: Thanks. Anyway, there’s a meeting.
KEVIN SPACEY OVERVOICE: The first meeting of Day One takes place inside the royal meeting room, and everyone is eager to hear what I have to say.
(Cut to the royal meeting room. Kevin Spacey is there, and everyone is listening to him.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Hello, pawns. It’s time for our first challenge of the day. You must pick up newly furbished sandals from Sandal Washer Greg on the island of Niaboc, while avoiding the siren songs.
ODYSSEUS: It can’t be done!
TELEMACHUS: You’ve done it.
ODYSSEUS: No, I mean it can’t be done because Penelope and I are going to go horseback riding in East Ithaca.
KEVIN SPACEY: Yeah, that changed. You are now going to Centaur riding in North Ithaca.
ODYSSEUS: The slums? For Zeus’ sake, we might as well get mugged right here.
KEVIN SPACEY: Well, you are still going. Because Antinious is the one who is going to get the sandals.
ANTINIOUS: This is BULLS**T! I WANTED TO GO HORSEBACK RIDING WITH PENELOPE SO I COULD DRUG AND HAVE MY WAY WITH HER, BUT INSTEAD I HAVE TO GO TO THIS GODDAMN SANDAL WASHER PLACE! F**k this
s**t…(Takes off mic and leaves.)
KEVIN SPACEY: I have to warn you, the sirens are so beautiful that they cause lack of judgment, temporary insanity and of course, non-sequiturs.
(Cut to Antinious on the ship.)
ANTINIOUS: No sirens HOLY SH*T A SIREN.
(“Lovefool” by the Cartigans starts playing.)
ANTINIOUS: …Oh damn. I can hardly resist the late 90’s soul rock that defined what it means to be in love…I MUST…BUT ALAS; I CAN’T…JUSTIN BIEBER HAS A HUGE D**K! Oh, god. The non-sequiturs. LOVE
ME, LOVE ME, SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME, FOOL ME, FOOL ME, GO ON AND FOOL ME, I DON’T CARE ‘BOUT ANYTHING BUT YOUUU!!! I MUST GO!
(Footage cuts out. Cut to Kevin Spacey dressed in black, talking to the rest with a slave-girl near him.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Clean my anus, you bowl wretching space slut! Oh, are we on? Okay. Goodbye, slave girl. Everybody, Antinious is dead.
EURYMACHUS: Those bastards!
POLYPHEMUS: Who could resist the Cardigans?
CIRCE: I could.
POLYPHEMUS: I know you could, baby. (They start kissing.)
ODYSSEUS: Oh, for Zeus’ sake. You know he’s a Cyclops don’t you?
CIRCE: Yeah, and I’m a horrible, deceptive, manipulative witch. That’s why we go great together.
ODYSSEUS: Jesus Christ…Wait, who the hades is Jesus Christ?
KEVIN SPACEY: Listen, everybody, please.
KEVIN SPACEY: Now, you two are late to go Centaur riding in North Ithaca.
PENELOPE: I don’t know if I want to
KEVIN SPACEY: YOU’RE GOING, OKAY? IT’S A F**KIN’ REALITY SHOW! YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT THE HOST SAYS NO MATTER HOW DANGEROUS OR HUMILIATING IT IS!!
ODYSSEUS: Okay, okay. God…
(Cut to Odysseus and Penelope on a Centaur in the fields of North Ithaca.)
CENTAUR: (Bronx accent) I charge 40 jewels by the hour.
ODYSSEUS: That’s a little steep, don’t you think?
CENTAUR: Does howdy doodyus have a wooden d**k? Now pay up, you cheap Jew bastard.
ODYSSEUS: You see, I don’t know what that means.
PENELOPE: We only have 20 jewels.
CENTAUR: Then, I’m gonna have to break your f**kin’ shins.
ODYSSEUS: Okay, now I’m pissed. (Takes out a bat and hits him over the head, and he falls over, knocking them both off.) I went Bronx on his ass.
(Cut back to the royal meeting room.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Did you guys have fun?
ODYSSEUS: We did not.
KEVIN SPACEY: Great! Now listen, the next challenge is to see who can successfully kidnap Helen of Troy. She’s a fine one.
ODYSSEUS: I’m kind of tied down.
KEVIN SPACEY: Well untie yourself, assh**e because you’re going to kidnap some broad!
KEVIN SPACEY: WE’RE SPACE SLUTS! I mean, we’re back. The latest challenge is to go kidnap Helen of Troy, and bring her back here, so thee ancient tradition of raping her can begin, because women
have no rights!
CIRCE: Hey now! Just because that is completely true way doesn’t mean it should be taken c*cks advantage of!
ODYSSEUS: Listen, I’ve never seen this Helen in my life. So unless she’s so beautiful that a thousand ships could be launched for her, then I’m going to stay here with my wife-(He is shown an
image) POSIEDON OF THE SEA, I MUST HAVE HER!
TELEMAHCUS: Her delicate bosom is only partially obscured by strands of her auburn hair, and her image hypnotizes one to sacrifice nice necessities to sail upon the seas to find her, a girl so
nice, kind and cute that she makes all other girls in the world a horrible bore and completely moot!
CALYPSO: What? So suddenly we’re not attractive?
PENELOPE: Yeah, I thought you loved me unconditionally!
ODYSSEUS: That’s a condition. I must have Helen.
CIRCE: This is stupid. You would never leave me for this whore of Babylon, would you, Polyphemus?
POLYPHEMUS: No…of course…not…
CIRCE: I love you.
POLYPHEMUS: I love…you..to…Helen…
POLYPHEMUS: Every couple has a man or women that they could sleep with if given the opportunity. Mine was Jay-lo, but now it’s Helen. Not a big deal, just a switch. Although I guess we are going to
rape her, so…does that count?
CIRCE: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU! YOU’RE AN ASSH**E!
POLYPHEMUS: THIS IS THE PERSON I’M ALLOWED TO SCREW IF GIVEN THE OPPURTUNITY OKAY???
CIRCE: I THOUGHT IT WAS JAY-LO!
CYCLOPS: Well now it’s Helen. BIG DAMN DEAL!
CIRCE: F**K YOU, POLYPHEMUS!
(Circe marches out.)
POLYPHEMUS: Women. Pff.
CIRCE: Polyphemus is such a douchebag. I can’t believe he’s going to travel across the goddamn ocean just to screw some tramp with tits of thunder.
(Cut to Polyphemus, Adreines, Odysseus, Telemachus, Helios, Hermes and Eurymachus sailing on the ocean.)
HELIOS: Ready to go screw some tramp with tits of thunder?
CREW: HELL YEAH!
EURYMACHUS: Maybe we’ll find Antinious’ remains.
ODYSSEUS: How could you like that guy?
EURYMACHUS: He’s kind of like the friend that you don’t really like, but he has a Ping-Pong table so you’re like, sure, I’ll be his friend.
ODYSSEUS: Plus he helped you try to bang my wife for ten years.
EURYMACHUS: That too. No hard feelings?
ODYSSEUS: …Go to Hades.
EURYMACHUS: I’ve been. Took a long time to leave.
ODYSSEUS: Ugh, enough of you. I took the liberty of taking my crew along. My Motley Crew. They helped me during the Odyssey.
ODYSSEUS: Oh, odyssey. It’s a new word I made describing an epic journey, and it sounds like my name.
HERMES: Wow, you’re kind of egotistical.
ODYSSEUS: Yep. Now let’s go.
ADREINES: WHICH ONE OF YOU RAPED MY DAUGHTER? I WILL F**K YOU SO HARD IN THE ANUS YOU WIL BLEED GOAT SEMEN FOR A WEEK! Where’s your crew?
ODYSSEUS: Right here, Adreines.
(He opens up a trap door and a bunch of men jump out.)
ELPINOR: Zeus almighty, why’d you put that door there? We’ve been in there for days!
ODYSSEUS: It builds character. Plus, I knew I’d need you I just didn’t think it’d be in a matter of days.
ELPINOR: How long did you plan on keeping us in there, douchebag?
ODYSSEUS: As long as it took. Here’s a question, how are you here? I thought you died. I built a monument to you on that island, for Zeus’ sake.
ELPINOR: Yeah that was probably a waste of your time. I was able to leave, but I had to do a Greek with the king of hades and his demon friends. It was not pleasant. Don’t worry, I’ll compensate
you. What was the damage for the monument?
ODYSSEUS: Like 150 jewels.
ELPINOR: Okay. (Takes out his check book.) So who should I make this out too?
ODYSSEUS: King of Ithaca, Father of Telemachus, Husband of Penelope, Odysseus the first.
ELPINOR: I’ll make it out to “Oddy.” I seem to remember calling you that. What is today?
ODYSSEUS: Uh, it’s the 25th of Sextilis, 1170 BC.
ELPINOR: Okay. (Hands him the check.) There you go. Now, I will assist you in your journey to capture Helen of Troy.
ODYSSEUS: How did you know about that?
ELPINOR: Oh ya know a bunch of clearly horn-mad men on a boat with maps to Troy and erections. I just figured.
ELPINOR: So what is this, some reality show?
ELPINOR: Cool, cool.
ELPINOR: Now that I’m in Odysseus’s crew again, I can execute my master plan to exact REVENGE upon the tyrannical leader. Hu-hu-ma-ma! Wait, mu-hu-ha-ma! Wait, ha-wu-ma-ha! F**k it.
KEVIN SPACEY: Our contestants are still traveling to Troy to kidnap Helen in this week’s challenge.
ODYSSEUS: What the hades is that?
(A ship labeled “The Network” sails up, filed with suited men.)
HEAD OF PROGRAMMING: Hello, I’m the head of programming and this show is f**king retarded. You are cancelled, so much.
KEVIN SPACEY: …Crap.
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