“THE REAL WORD: ITHACA”
BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE GREEK TOURISM ORGANIZATION
KEVIN SPACEY VOICEOVER: What happens when you put Odysseus, Penelope, Telemachus, Antinious, Eurymachus, Polyphemus, Circe, Calypso, Hermes, Helios, Adreines, Oedipus Rex and Elpenor on one island?
Find out, in…”THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA.”
(Cut to everyone in the Royal room.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Morning, everyone. Today the challenge involves everyone buddying up, and taking care of a Centaur together. At the end of the week, we’ll see how you guys did.
ODYSSEUS: Don’t pair Oedipus up with his mother! (Everyone starts laughing.)
OEDIPUS: If I could see you, I’d be strangling you right now.
KEVIN SPACEY: Please, people. This is about getting along. So, there are thirteen of you. And what is thirteen times two?
KEVIN SPACEY: Yes!
HELIOS: So how would that affect anything?
KEVIN SPACEY: And thirteen divided by two is six point five, so we’re going to need a group of three. So let’s see.
OEDIPUS REX- ELPENOR
KEVIN SPACEY: Perfect! Now let’s get centaurin’.
TELEMACHUS: Centaur is not a verb…
KEVIN SPACEY: …I don’t like that kid.
(Cut to Odysseus and Antinious in a stall with a Minotaur.)
ODYSSEUS: Um…this is bulls**t. Metaphorically.
ANTINIOUS: And physically.
ODYSSEUS: I don’t want to take care of this crap and piss machine, I already have Telemachus.
ANTINIOUS: Dude, he’s like, twenty.
ODYSSEUS: Oh yeah…well I still don’t want to do this.
ANTINIOUS: Last episode, Eurymachus, Elpenor and I agreed to form a pact, to exact revenge on that deviant little scallop, known as Odysseus. This is going to be sweet.
ODYSSEUS: We should probably feed it. It looks hungry.
ANTINIOUS: If we feed it, that just makes it weaker. We should starve it for a little while, and then it will learn to appreciate its food more.
ODYSSEUS:…Yeah that’ll work.
ANTINIOUS: What do you doubt me?
ODYSSEUS: No, all I’m saying is that you mooched off my family for twenty years, so maybe appreciating food isn’t your specialty.
ANTINIOUS: Hey man, we already resolved this issue when you killed me and sent me to hades. Okay? It’s time to move on.
ODYSSEUS: Okay, fine.
ANTINIOUS: It’s never time to move on.
(Cut to Penelope and Eurymachus in their Minotaur stall.)
PENELOPE: I should not be in here. This is a man’s job.
EURYMACHUS: No kidding. So why don’t you go through your menstrual cycles while I feed the ccentaur.
(The Centaur bucks.)
EURYMACHUS: He’s a feisty one.
CENTAUR: Don’t call me feisty, that sounds faggy.
PENELOPE: Sweet Helios…
EURYMACHUS: Oh yeah, I forgot you guys could talk.
CENTAUR: Not only can we talk, but we can remember too. And I remember this fine piece of ass over here.
PENELOPE: Excuse me?
CENTAUR: Remember two weeks ago? You and your fatty boyfriend rode me through the fields of motherf**kin’ North Ithaca. Goddamn, that was exciting. Until that a**hole beat the s**t out of me.
EURYMACHUS: What are you, a sailor?
PENELOPE: Oh yeah, I remember you. You were a dick. Why were you such a dick?
CENTAUR: Listen sweetheart, in my years of being on the Centaur scene, I’ve learned a thing or two. Chicks dig jerks.
PENELOPE: Is that why you are trying to flirt with a girl you met two weeks ago, Centaur?
CENTAUR: Listen, my name ain’t f**king Centaur. My name is Anavete. And I am indeed, not married or in a long-term relationship, I’m out on the prowl.
PENELOPE: Well, I am married. So, you don’t touch me.
ANAVETE: You s**ttin’ me? I could beat the hell out of your pussy husband.
PENELOPE: Sure about that, tough guy?
ANAVETE: Sure as hell. He only beat me the first time because I hadn’t worked out my hooves that morning.
EURYMACHUS: …You’re a Centard. OH SNAP!
ANAVETE: Regardless, I still wanna beat that doucheclown up!
PENELOPE: I can arrange for that.
(Cut to Circe and Adrienes with their Centaur.)
CIRCE: This Centaur could be fed, groomed and given a h***job all with MAGIC!
ADRIENES: But that’s not fun or interesting. It’s also really gross. Do you think magic can solve all your problems?
ADRIENES: I know magic could probably solve some of my problems…
CIRCE: Listen buddy, I don’t do magic, I do witchcraft!
ADRIENES: Well, I actually have some problems of my own that could be solved, so…
CIRCE: Like what?
ADRIENES: Someone raped my daughter, and I can’t kill the bastard unless I know who he or she is.
CIRCE: Through process of elimination, I can deduce the rapist. Let’s put up all the suspects.
(She magically reveals a chalkboard, and write the following on it?
CIRCE: Okay, we can rule out Penelope because she’s a woman,(Penelope’s name disappears.) We can also rule out Telemachus because that fine piece of ass does not need to rape, because any girl
would give him consent.
(Adrienes looks at Circe wide-eyed.)
ADRIENES: Hold on one second, why the hades am I on the suspect list?
CIRCE: I’LL GET TO THAT! Okay, so then there’s Antinious, he is a dick, so we are not going to rule him out. Odysseus is an alpha male, but we found out last week that he’s capable of such things.
ADRIENES: But we found out that Telemachus was capable of those things too-
CIRCE: SHUT UP! Okay, so Eurymachus is also a suspect, he’s ugly and smells like old spaghetti. Polyphemus is also a suspect, because he is an ugly, one-eyed son of a whore.
ADRIENES: Why’d you put yourself up there?
CIRCE: POSIEDON OF THE SEA, WILL YOU NOT SHUT YOUR GODDAMN TRAP????
CIRCE: Okay, now I am ruled out because I am a woman, and that goes for Calypso. Hermes is a god, so he’s not a suspect. The same goes for Helios. You are a suspect, of course.
ADRIENES: I’Ma suspect?
CIRCE: Yes, you always look at the family in these cases.
CENTAUR: Can you guys feed me?
CIRCE AND ADRIENES: PISS OFF, CENTAUR.
KEVIN SPACEY: Before the break, Circe and Adrienes were discussing who raped his daughter…
CIRCE: Oedipus Rex already has his share of sexual issues, plus be’s blind so he may have thought he was banging an older girl. Elpenor’s a douche, and an alcoholic, I wouldn’t put it past him. And
Kevin Spacey hasn’t been banged in ten years, so my suspect list is now narrowed down to…
ADRIENES: Down to eight people. Hmm…
(Cut to Polyphemus and Telemachus with their Centaur.)
TELEMACHUS: Well, we should feed it.
POLYPHEMUS: What? Sorry I’m day dreaming…
TELEMACHUS: Oh well thanks for the help.
POLYPHEMUS: Sorry, okay? What do you want to do to this stupid Centaur. I don’t like this reality show, I just do it to get paid.
TELEMACHUS: Hold on. (Feeds the Centaur an apple.) There, that can hold it over. So ho are you and Circe?
POLYPHEMUS: Eh, okay. She forgave me for the whole Helen thing. I think we’re at a normal level now.
TELEMACHUS: Tell me something, have you guys…done certain actions that…are sexual?
TELEMACHUS: How? You are enormous, she is average-sized…
POLYPHEMUS: Oh she can climb. And I can lay down. They don’t call me “Very Famous” for nothing.
TELEMACHUS: …Gross. Do you guys skull f**k? (Giggles.)
POLYPHEMUS: Oh, yeah, laugh it up, but your joke doesn’t make sense, because if we were to do that, I would stick mine in hers, not the other way around.
TELEMACHUS: (Still giggling) Unless Circe has a d**k? (Breaks out laughing.)
POLYPHEMUS: Sweet Helios…GROW UP!
(Circe walks in.)
POLYPHEMUS: Hey, baby.
TELEMACHUS: Hi, Circe.
CIRCE: (Sensually) Hello…
(Polyphemus looks confused.)
POLYPHEMUS: So, what do you want?
CIRCE: Well, I just want to question you two about the Rape of Adrienes’ daughter?
TELEMACHUS: No need, he already asked us two weeks ago when we sailed to Troy.
CIRCE: But you guys didn’t answer!
POLYPHEMUS: Yeah, because HE changed the subject.
CIRCE: Oh. Well can I ask you questions?
POLYPHEMUS: Please do.
CIRCE: Did you rape his daughter?
POLYPHEMUS: What? C’mon, that’s not fair. I did not rape Adrienes’ daughter.
TELEMACHUS: And neither did I.
CIRCE: Well of course YOU didn’t I already ruled you out as a suspect.
POLYPHEMUS: But you didn’t rule out your BOYRFRIEND?
CIRCE: No, I said I DID rule out Telema-oh you mean you.
POLYPHEMUS: Of course I mean me. Telemachus isn’t your boyfriend.
CIRCE: Oh yeah…he isn’t.
(Awkward silence. Cut to Hermes, Helios and Calypso with their Centaur.)
HELIOS: I owned sheep, and the best way to take care of sheep is to refrain from eating them.
(Odysseus runs in and takes a big bite of the Centaur.)
HELIOS: POSIEDON OF THE SEA! WHAT THE HADES ARE YOU DOING???
ODYSSEUS: It’s like forbidden fruit! How could I resist?
CENTAUR: AGGH!! GET OFF ME, A**HOLE!
(Hermes pulls Odysseus off of the centaur.)
KEVIN SPACEY OVERVOICE: Before the break, Circe was trying to find out who raped Adrienes’ daughter,Anavete is talking tough to Penelope and Elpenor, Antinious and Eurymachus continue to plot
against Odysseus, all the while in groups taking care of Centaurs.
(Cut to Penelope and Odysseus behind one of the Centaur sheds.)
PENELOPE: Listen, this guy Anavate, is talkin’ s**t about you. Saying he could beat you up. Are you going to take that?
ODYSSEUS: Who is this Anavete?
PENELOPE: Remember the dickwad from the Centaur-riding place in North Ithaca?
ODYSSEUS: Oh yeah. Dude, I already beat the crap out of him. I don’t need to do it again.
PENELOPE: But he says he’s worked out since then.
ODYSSEUS: It was two weeks ago for Zeus’ sake, what could have possibly changed?
(Anavete gallops up.)
PENELOPE: OH S**T.
ODYSSEUS: Stand back, Penelope. It’s time for me to take out the trash .
(Odysseus picks up a garbage bag, walks over to his mailbox and places it there, and then walks back.)
ODYSSEUS: Now it’s time for me to physically harm a random douchebag from the slums of Ithaca.
(Odysseus swings a punch, and gets Anavete in the face. Anavete bucks him in the balls, and Odysseus kicks him in the shins, and they fight and wrestle for several minutes.)
PENELOPE: GO ODYSSEUS!
ANAVETE: That Odysseus guy is pretty f**kin’ strong.
(Cut to Circe in the fireplace room where Telemachus, Polyphemus, Calypso, Hermes, Kevin Spacey, Helios, Adrienes and Oedipus Rex are gathered.)
CIRCE: Well, gentlemen. Thank you for coming today. Wait, where the hades are Odysseus, Penelope, Antinious, Elpenor and Eurymachus?
TELEMACHUS: They’re busy with their subplots. I mean, with other things.
CIRCE: Well I have questioned all of you regarding the RAPE of Adrienes’ daughter, Ouija. But none of you have confessed. But I have found evidence in a sperm sample taken from the crime scene and
I conclusively conclude that it was…
(Close-up of everyone’s anxious face.)
POLYPHEMUS: What? NO I DIDN’T!
CIRCE: YES YOU DID, YOU FILTHY RAPIST!
TELEMACHUS: Oh my Zeus, it was me for god’s sakes. I raped Ouija.
CIRCE: What? But I eliminated you as a suspect.
TELEMACHUS: Well that was dumb, because I did it.
ADRIENES: YOU SON OF A BITCH!
(Adrienes tackles Telemachus, and they wrestle on the ground for several minutes.)
TELEMACHUS: What a fight. I don’t like it when they fight.
(Cut to Odysseus and Anavete, both bloodied up, on the ground, with Penelope watching on.)
ODYSSEUS: Helios…ugh…um, you win.
ANAVETE: No that’s ridiculous…you clearly win…
ODYSSEUS: Nonsense…you do…
PENELOPE: This is pathetic.
ANAVETE: Please…just accept victory…
PENELOPE: You have a tiny d**k, Odysseus.
ANAVETE: I will not…I can not…
(Circe brings Telemachus over.)
CIRCE: King Odysseus, Telemachus admitted to the rape of 16-year old Ouija, daughter of Adrienes.
ODYSSEUS: (Gets up.) Is that so?
CIRCE: Uh…yeah…what the hades happened to you?
ODYSSEUS: Listen, if your thinking punishment, there are no anti-rape laws here, and he’s my son so I think an apology would suffice.
CIRCE: Just an apology? I could turn him into a pig instead!
ODYSSEUS: If you do that, I will tape your P***y to Polyphemus’ eyeball.
CIRCE: Apology it is!
(Cut to Elpenor, Antinious and Eurymachus in the emptied out fireplace room.)
ELPENOR: So here’s the deal: We frame him for the rape of Adrienes’ daughter, and we ruin his reputation!
ANTINIOUS: That’s good.
EURYMACHUS: So devious, yet so simple.
ANTINIOUS: You say that about everything.
(Cut to Telemachus apologizing to a tied-up Adrienes while Circe, Odysseus and Penelope look on.)
TELEMACHUS: I am sorry that I raped your daughter. It was wrong of me.
ODYSSEUS: That’s a good boy.
CIRCE: No hard feelings?
ADRIENES: I WILL F**K YOU SO HARD IN THE ANUS YOU WILL BLEED GOAT SEMEN.
CIRCE: See? No hard feelings. So, uh…Telemachus...want to go out some time?
TELEMACHUS: Uh, what about Polyphemus?
CIRCE: Oh, we’re through.
POLYPHEMUS: (Offscreen) WE ARE?
TELEMACHUS: No, I'm busy sometime.
(He walks away. Antinious, Eurymachus and Elpenor come in.)
ANTINIOUS: We have an announcement to make!
EURYMACHUS: ODYSSEUS WAS THE ONE THAT RAPED OUJA!
ODYSSEUS: It’s already been established that my son did it, moron.
ANAVETE: Hey, I need some money. Can I join the show?
(Kevin Spacey comes in.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Sure!
(Oedipus Rex enters.)
OEDIPUS: Yeah, all the neglected Centaurs are going crazy out there.
(A bunch of noise is made.)
OEDIPUS: I can’t see, but I can hear them coming towards us.
ODYSSEUS: OH F**K.
(A large amount of Centaurs rush in and run over everybody and knock out the camera.)
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