“THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA”
THIS PROGRAM CONTAINS GRAPHIC SEXUAL SITUATIONS.
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE GREEK TOURISM ORGANIZATION
KEVIN SPACEY VOICEOVER: What happens when you put Odysseus, Penelope, Telemachus, Antinious, Eurymachus, Polyphemus, Circe, Calypso, Hermes, Helios, Adreines, Oedipus Rex, Anavete and Elpenor on
the same island? Find out in…THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA.
(Cut to everyone in the royal room.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Nobody may call Anavete an anti-social anarchist trying to make the radio.
ODYSSEUS: We’ve mostly been calling him a half-bull, half-f*g. I mean, I don’t even know what a radio is.
KEVIN SPACEY: It’s something that plays mainstream music and a destination for pundits to talk out their respective a**holes.
KEVIN SPACEY: Now remember, Anavete is a paid member of the cast. So he is a respectable member of this show and you must treat him with the utmost respect. Respect.
TELEMACHUS: Do you get paid every time you say respect?
KEVIN SPACEY: No. Respect. Respect. Respect.
TELEMACHUS: Stop that!
KEVIN SPACEY: Sure. Now, today’s challenge is a bit of a hard one, you must reconnect with your roots and visit your homeland.
OEDIPUS REX: Uh, yeah, my mother committed suicide and I killed my father.
KEVIN SPACEY: Then just go to their gravestones or something. You won’t see them anyway!
(They all laugh.)
ANAVETE: But I just left my homeland to do this f**king reality show! I’m already tied down here.
KEVIN SPACEY: Well untie yourself a**hole, because you’re going to the fields of North Ithaca.
ODYSSEUS: You said almost that exact same thing to me in episode 1!
KEVIN SPACEY: Shut it! Now, Odysseus, you are going to visit your father Laertes. He resides on the Greek island of Flroida.
ODYSSEUS: Oh, god…I hate visiting them. They always criticize my sandals and scold me for eating those Helios sheep.
HELIOS: Well it was a dick move.
ODYSSEUS: I know, but that’s in the past now. It’s time to move on to the future. But fine, I’ll visit Laertes and Ma.
KEVIN SPACEY: Wait, I remember you saying that your parents were dead.
ODYSSEUS: Yeah, I wish.
POLYPHEMUS: I of course, will go to the island of Cyclopes, to reunite with my fellow man.
ODYSSEUS: Can you really call them men?
POLYPHEMUS: Piss off. I’m going!
PENELOPE: I want to meet your parents, Odysseus.
KEVIN SPACEY: No can do. You are visiting your parents.
PENELOPE: My parents are dead.
KEVIN SPACEY: …Fine.
ODYSSEUS: My parents can be a little irritating. I dislike them very much. But I love them…f**k.
(Cut to Odysseus on a ship with Penelope.)
ODYSSEUS: Don’t worry, Penelope, we’re almost there.
PENELOPE: I wasn’t worrying.
(The Dave Matthews Band starts playing.)
ODYSSEUS: Oh no Penelope! The siren songs! We’re going to sink!
ODYSSEUS: In order to avoid seeing my parents, I decided to bribe a band to pretend like they are the sirens. Unfortunately, there is nothing even remotely appealing about the Dave Matthews Band,
and they were the only ones available.
PENELOPE: Um, this is some sh***y sirens. How are people drawn in by this?
ODYSSEUS: God Damnit, you’re right.
(Cut to Polyphemus in a handcrafted boat, about to be pushed out to sea.)
POLYPHEMUS: This is going to be sweet! (He uses his foot and pushes it out to sea.) This is going to be great!
POLYPHEMUS: This is going to suck.
OEDIPUS REX: My mother committed suicide after she found out that she had married her son, and I killed my father, that is why, I’m instead going to retrace my roots by going to see my father’s
TELEMACHUS: I was born here, so I’m going to stay here.
ANTINIOUS: I am going to see my father Euphietes. He’s the one who taught me how to wait until someone’s husband was dead so you can marry him. He was a great man.
CIRCE: I am going back to my homeland of Aeaea. That’s easy to pronounce, shut up.
CALYPSO: I am going back to Ogygia. I’m going tear that ugly f**king monument to Elpenor on my island, the drunk bastard.
HERMES: I’m going to the God’s circle. I belong there anyway. I got orgies to do.
HELIOS: I’m packing my bags, and going to Thrinacia. Those sheep ain’t going to feed themselves. In fact, they’re probably dead.
ADRIENES: I’m going to go to my house on the island of Srubarbua and spend time with my daughter. She’s a little shaken up, because of Telemachus, that little s**t.
ELPENOR: I’m stowing away on Odysseus and Penelope’s ship so I can exact REVENGE on Odysseus on the island Flroida. It’s going be sweet, sweet, revenge. Especially with all those Flroida oranges.
You know, there’s a lot of old people there, and jews.
(Cut to Odysseus and Penelope knocking on the door of a large palace. Laertes and Ma open up.)
ODDYSEUS: MA! DAD! Nice to see you!
(They hug, and Penelope hugs them too.)
MA: Penelope, you look great.
PENELOPE: Thank you, very much. I try.
MA: Indeed. Come in, come in.
(They all come in. Cut to Polyphemus knocking on a rock blocking his old cave. A Cyclops comes out.)
CYCLOPS: HOLY S**T, LOOK WHO THE F**K IT IS!
POLYPHEMUS: Hey Kakocpios, how you doing?
KAKOCPIOS: A lot better than you, you c**ksucka, come in you son of a bitch!
(He comes in, and they let the camera crew in. There are many other Cyclops in there drinking wine and being obnoxious.)
KAKOCPIOS: So how the f**k are you doin’ eh?
POLYPHEMUS: Good, I’m good.
KAKOCPIOS: Man, this a**hole never fought when he was here as a kid, got his f**king eye poked out by that Odysseus chode, and now he’s a pussy, and he’s on f**king national TV.
POLYPHEMUS: Well, my eye recovered, so yeah.
KAKOCPIOS: Yeah, whatever. So do you wanna get f**ked up?
KAKOCPIOS: LOOK AT THIS PUSSY! “SURE!” (They all laugh.) C’MON PUSSY, YOU WANNA GET F**KED UP?
POLYPHEMUS: Uh…HADES YEAH!
KAKOCPIOS: THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT MOTHAF**KA! BRING OUT THE GODDAMN WINE BONG! F**K YEAH!
(They bring out the wine bong and they stick it in his mouth and he starts chugging wine. They all start wooing.)
(Cut to Odysseus and Penelope at a dinner table. Behind them is Laertes and Ma making dinner.)
ODYSSEUS: So how are you liking Vista Eatripia?
LAERTES: Oh, it’s great. There’s a pool, an orgy room, exercise room, I’m the president of the Condo association here.
ODYSSEUS: Is that right?
LAERTES: Yeah. I’m in charge of funding and development, and everything.
ODYSSEUS: That’s pretty special.
LAERTES: So, (sits down with Odysseus.) How’s Ithaca?
ODYSSEUS: Uh, it’s running smoothly.
LAERTES: Well good.
MA: You haven’t eaten any Helios sheep have you?
ODYSSEUS: Ma, why do you always have to bring that up?
MA: Because it was a screw-up, honey.
ODYSSEUS: Why do you always have to remind me of it then?
MA: So you’ll learn your lesson. I mean, why can’t you be more like Achilles?
ODYSSEUS: Sweet Zeus, ma, Achilles is dead, he was shot in the heel and he died.
MA: He’s not dead. He lives a few miles from here, he comes over for dinner sometimes.
ODYSSEUS: WHAT? THAT DICK IS STILL ALIVE?
MA: Yeah, he just has an injured heel.
ODYSSEUS: OH, POSEIDON OF THE SEA, STRIKE ME DOWN DEAD.
(Cut to Telemachus and Kevin Spacey sitting on a throne-like couch in Telemachus’ part of palace.)
KEVIN SPACEY: So this is where you hang out?
TELEMACHUS: Yep. I’m reconnecting with my roots right here. I have an Xbox.
KEVIN SPACEY: What? I’m almost positive they don’t have Xboxes in this time.
TELEMACHUS: No, we do. BRING OUT THE XBOX!
(A servant comes out with a marble box with an X on it and sets it down on a marble pedastool.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Oh, yeah that’s not the XBOX I was thinking of.
TELEMACHUS: What’s your idea of an XBOX?
KEVIN SPACEY: A uh…nevermind.
(Peisistratus comes in.)
PEISISTRATUS: S’up, Telemachus?
KEVIN SPACEY: Who’s he?
TELEMACHUS: Oh, he’s my friend. He traveled with me when I was trying to find my dad.
KEVIN SPACEY: Nice to meet you.
PEISISRATUS: Yeah, whatever. So, hey wanna play with the XBOX?
TELEMACHUS: Totally bro, let’s do it.
(They both touch the box and start chanting. Mystical colors rise from the box and whip through the air. They eventually form into an attractive woman face.)
FACE: Hello, TELEMACHUS and PEISISTRATUS. How are you today?
TELEMACHUS: We’re good…
PEISISTRATUS: Really good…
FACE: That is good. Who is this gentleman behind you?
TELEMACHUS: Oh, he’s some actor from the future named Kevin Spacey.
FACE: Oh is he now? Hello, KEVIN SPACEY, I am Loavkin Yuvaika.
KEVIN SPACEY: What the hell is she?
TELEMACHUS: She’s the ideal woman. Oh god, how I would kill to get that beautiful set of lips on my-
KEVIN SPACEY: Okay, enough of that.
KEVIN SPACEY: Phew…
TELEMACHUS: And my d**k.
KEVIN SPACEY: Jesus Christ…
LOAVKA: Who is this Jesus Christ of which you speak?
KEVIN SPACEY: Eh, what’s the difference? He’s only the lord and savior who in 701 years time will be born and then 31 years later die for your sins.
PEISISRATUS: Shut up, man. She’s licking her lips.
(She licks her lips.)
KEVIN SPACEY: This is pathetic.
(Circe comes in.)
CIRCE: I’m about to go to Aeaea. If anyone wants to go with me, speak now or forever hold your peace.
TELEMACHUS: Can we bring the XBOX?
CIRCE: Sure, whatever.
PEISISTRATUS: Sweet! I’m coming.
(Cut to Calypso on Ogygia. She walks to down a wooded path with a plethora of vegetation surrounds her, and man and women having sex with each other on tree stumps, right out in the open.)
CALYPSO: Hello, everybody.
MAN: Oh, Calypso, thank you so much for coming back, the island has been dreadful since you left. But now that you are back, I can once again lick this woman’s tits, and tastefully make love on
these wooded pasture floors. Pray tell, how has the reality show been?
CALYPSO: It’s been okay. My role in the show is not that huge. I feel like I’m just an afterthought on the show.
MAN: Oh, how unfortunate. Those people should worship you, much like we do.
WOMAN: Please, stop talking and finger my p***y!
MAN: Yes, my lady! (He lifts his leg to reveal his penis, which has a black bar superimposed over it, and then takes his finger and rips off her leaf to reveal her vagina, which has a black bar
super-imposed over it, and they do what they do.)
CAMERAMAN: Let’s get a better shot of this.
CALYPSO: Oh, what do you care? It’s all going to be pixelated anyway.
CAMERAMAN: Not the tits. That’s not smut, that’s art.
(Cut to Hermes hanging out in the clouds with Zeus, Poseidon, Aphrodite, Apollo, Artemis, Athena and Hades.)
ZEUS: IMMORTALS, RAISE YOUR GLASSES HIGH TO HERMES, WHO HATH RETURNED TO THE TABLE OF THE GODS!
ALL: HERE HERE! (They begin drinking.)
POSEIDON: So tell me, how is my son doing?
HERMES: Polyphemus? He’s doing well. He’s dating Circe, the sea nymph.
POSEIDON: WHAT? MY SON IS ASSOCIATING WITH SEA NYMPHS? THIS MUST STOP.
APHRODITE: Okay, that was weird. Hermes, tell me, what does the reality show pay?
HERMES: It pays about 500 jewels per episode. Pretty sweet.
ATHENA: This is interesting. I’ll assure you however, that your duties are needed and you must leave the show.
HERMES: …What? But I like it there.
ZEUS: TRUST ME HERMES, I’VE SEEN THE FIRST THREE EPISODES OF THAT SHOW, AND NOT ONLY IS IT FULL OF SMUT, BUT YOU ARE HARDLY FEATURED AT ALL. YOU MUST LEAVE AND FULFILL YOUR DUTY AS THE GOD OF
TRAVEL, THIEVERY, LANGUAGE, WRITING AND ANIMAL HUSBANDRY.
HERMES: Say it’s not so.
ZEUS: OH IT IS. YOU ARE FORBIDDEN TO RENEW YOUR CONTRACT WITH THAT SHOW. I WILL CONTACT MISTER SPACEY FORTHRIGHT, AND HE SHALL RIP APART THAT VILE PAPYRUS.
HERMES: Well then. I guess you guys have made up your mind.
ZEUS: YES WE HAVE.
HERMES: Fine then. (Gets up and leaves in a huff.) A**holes.
ZEUS: Ugh, he gets like this. He’ll calm down.
(Cut to Helios grooming his sheep on Thrinacia.)
HELIOS: Oh, how I love these sheep. I don’t know how they survived out here while I was gone. Makes me wonder how important I am to them.
(Achilles walks up with a bucket of food.)
ACHILLES: Hey you guys-AHH!
HELIOS: WHO THE F**K ARE YOU?
ACHILLES: I’m Achilles. I was going to feed these suckers and then head down Flroida. Who the hades are you?
HELIOS: I’m Helios, and these are my sheep.
ACHILLES: WHAT? I found these sheep here a month ago, hungry.
HELIOS: Yeah, I left them here to do a reality show in Ithaca.
ACHILLES: Well that’s irresponsible.
HELIOS: GET THE HADES OUT OF HERE!
ACHILLES: AHH! (He runs away. Cut to Oedipus Rex at his father’s gravestone.)
OEDIPUS REX: I’m sorry dad. Prophecy said that I would kill my father and marry my mother. And prophecy’s a bitch. There’s no way to get out of prophecy. Although prophecy did not say I would pull
my eyes out and go blind so you know, jokes on them. Listen, I didn’t know you that well, we never got to throw the marble around, or shoot the s**t. But I still wish I could have known you. I also
wish I could see your gravestone. I wrote a song for you. Ohhhh father, I never knew you, but you loved me unconditionally, I’m so very grateful, oh father, you wanted to avoid prophecy, so you
sent me off to somewhere, oh father, I married my mother and then killed you, so that sucks. We had three kids for god’s sake, oh father, I wish I could have remembered your face…but I can’t so
that sucks too oh father. Wow, that was awful.
(Cut to Antinious at Eupeithe’s gravestone.)
ANTINIOUS: I know, I made it seem like he was alive but he’s not. Laertes killed him. You want to know the real reason I’m out for revenge on Odysseus? Because he tried to kill me, and his father
killed my father. Oh dad, I WILL AVENGE YOU! In fact, get me on the next boat to Flroida.
(Cut to Eurymachus and Polyxena having dinner at a restaurant.)
EURYMACHUS: Hello, Polyxena. Nice to see you again.
POLYXENA: My Zeus, it’s been a long time.
EURYMACHUS: I know.
EURYMACHUS: When Odysseus “killed” me I was engaged to Polyxena. I love her. She is the best ever.
POLYXENA: So are we going to go through with this engagement?
EURYMACHUS: Well, I think that’s likely. Of course we will dear. I couldn’t imagine living without you.
POLYXENA: Really? Because it seems like you wasted a s**tload of time vying for Penelope’s hand.
EURYMACHUS: Look, that’s in the past now. I want you.
POLYXENA: Okay. I will set a date.
(They kiss. Cut to Adreines and his daughter sitting on a throne-like couch.)
ADREINES: Let’s kill him.
(Cut to Anavete in the fields of North Ithaca talking to a fellow Centaur.)
CENTAUR: So how’s the reality show?
ANAVETE: Uh, fine.
ANAVETE: Oh, god…f**k me, I can’t associate with you non-TV stars! I’m going back to Ithaca.
CENTAUR: Wow, you’re a dick.
ANAVETE: WHAT’D YOU SAY TO ME, MOTHERF**KER?
CENTAUR: I said you’re a dick.
ANAVETE: I WILL BEAT YOU SENSELESS.
(They start beating on each other. Cut to Circe, Telemachus and Peisistratus arriving on Aeaea bay.)
PEISASTRATUS: It’s beautiful.
(TO BE CONTINUED.)
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