“THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA”
THIS PROGRAM CONTAINS GRAPHIC SEXUAL SITUATIONS.
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED
BROUGHT TO YOU BY BMW
KEVIN SPACEY VOICOVER: What happens when you put Odysseus, Penelope, Circe, Achilles, Polyphemus, Peisistratus, Eurylochus, Eurymachus, Helios, Laertes, Anavete, Oedipus Rex, Polyxena, Polites and
Calypso on the same island? Find out in…THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA.
(We start with three caskets laying gracefully on the shore of Ithaca. All 15 characters are gathered in formal wear, as Kevin Spacey delivers a stirring Eulogy. Odysseus, Penelope and Circe are
KEVIN SPACEY: Dearly beloved, today we are gathered to witness the joining of these two unions,
POLYPHEMUS: It’s a funeral, not a wedding, retard.
KEVIN SPACEY: Oh, right. Today we are gathered to celebrate the life of three good men. Telemachus, son of Odysseus, husband of Circe, Elpenor, son of Pemoras, grand crew member and attempted
murderer. And finally, Adrienes, son of Demius, father of Ouija and successful murderer. Some of us here are angry at Elpenor for attempting to assassinate the great king of the great Ithaca, and
many more of us are pissed at Adrienes for murdering Telemachus, but we must remember that all men are flawed. Murder is a sin as big as black c**ks, but it is the blessed who forgive, but it is
the insane who forgets.
CALYPSO: Beautiful. (Sniffs).
KEVIN SPACEY: Telemachus left us too soon, in a mindless act of vengeance, for something he clearly regretted. He searched for his dad during his 20-year absence, and exhibited heroic behavior. We
will remember him forever. Lower the caskets.
(They lower the caskets into the ground. Cut to the royal meeting room. Odysseus, Penelope, Circe and Calypso are absent.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Good job with the funeral, everyone. Odysseus, Circe, Penelope and Calypso are taking a week-long leave of absence from the show due to the tragic deaths.
POLYPHEMUS: You know, we didn’t have a funeral for Antinious.
KEVIN SPACEY: That’s because he was a worthless asshole. For now, we must continue to entertain America.
KEVIN SPACEY: Nothing. Today’s challenge is for all the lovers out there. You must take your special lady out on a hot date.
POLITES: The term “hot date” makes me cringe. But I don’t mind if you say it.
KEVIN SPACEY: Man, you’re so…so…what’s the word?
POLITES: Uh, considerate?
KEVIN SPACEY: No…another word…
KEVIN SPACEY: Not quite…
KEVIN SPACEY: Almost…
POLYPHEMUS: Can we focus?
KEVIN SPACEY: Right…as for you non-couples, you get to do whatever the f**k you want!
(Cut to Eurymachus and Polyxena in Odysseus’ kitchen.)
POLYXENA: Is there any actual food in here?
EURYMACHUS: Hades yeah. I lived here for twenty years. They got booze, food, smokables, everything you can imagine.
(Polyxena reaches into the pantry and sees a bunch of dead sheep.)
POLYXENA: Sweet Helios…
EURYMACHUS: Holy s**t…
(Helios comes in.)
HELIOS: Hey guys. OH MY GOD THOSE ARE MY SHEEP!
EURYMACHUS: This means one thing and one thing only…ODYSSEUS HAS A HELIOS SHEEP ADDICTION!
EURYMACHUS: I would confront him about it, but, you know, the son dying thing has got him…in a but of a dump.
LAERTES: When I was called in there, I was like, of course.
POLYXENA: This island is f**king weird.
(Cut back to the kitchen.)
LAERTES: Wow. Well this will not do. We need to burn it.
EURYMACHUS: Come again?
LAERTES: We need to burn it. Zeus probably punished him for his Helios sheep consumption. His ship being struck down, his son dying, him having two d**ks,
(Eurymachus looks at him strange.)
LAERTES: And the fact that his son died. Wait, did I, say that, twice?
EURYMACHUS: You sure did. How is having two d**ks a bad thing?
LAERTES: Could you imagine waking up?
LAERTES: Yeah. Anyway, if he wasn’t mourning I would confront him. But for now, I have to apply for a business permit, so I can found “LAERTES AND SON”.
(Cut to a modern-looking government office. There are several desks labeled “ITHACA DEPARTMENT OF COMMERCE” (IDC) and there are men and women behind these desks on computers, wearing collared
shirts. There are huge lines, and Laertes is at the front of one.)
WORKER: Your first name, sir?
WORKER: Last name?
LAERTES: Father of Odysseus.
WORKER: Okay, according to our records, you do not have any permenant or otherwise residences in Ithaca.
LAERTES: No, but I’m a greek citizen. Plus, I’m the father of the King, hence the “Father of Odysseus” thing.
WORKER: Well, to apply for a business permit, you have to under go a drug test.
LAERTES: Are you kidding me?
LAERTES: Alright, how does it work?
WORKER: You piss in a cup, and then we examine it for drug substances.
LAERTES: F**k…alright where’s the cup?
THIS PROGRAM CONTAINS NUDITY
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
(Cut to the royal meeting room.)
KEVIN SPACEY: I realize now that there is only one couple present today. So we have decided to introduce the new guys to the old ones. So, I put together a little party next to Odysseus’ room.
POLYPHEMUS: Seems a little insensitive.
KEVIN SPACEY: Oh, right. The son dying. Well anyway, I’ll set up a new party right next to Circe’s room.
(Cut to a party with wine, cheese and cake. A large banner saying “WECLOME NEW GUYS!”. Polyphemus is talking to Kevin Spacey.)
POLYPHEMUS: This is good wine. It tastes like the wine back home.
KEVIN SPACEY: Did you get your wine from a guy named Dolomius?
POLYPHEMUS: Yeah. Do you know him?
KEVIN SPACEY: NO.
POLYPHEMUS: …’Kay. By the way, who wrote the banner? Welcome is spelled wrong.
KEVIN SPACEY: Aw, s**t. Really? God Damnit…
EURYMACHUS: So…we have similar names.
EURYLOCHUS: …Yep. (Takes sip of wine goblet.) So where you from?
EURYMACHUS: Uh, here. Yep.
EURYLOCHUS: Ah. I see.
EURYMACHUS: What about you?
EURYLOCHUS: Uh, I’m from Athens.
EURYMACHUS: Ah, the city.
EURYLOCHUS: Yep. (Takes sip of wine goblet.)
So you, are engaged to Polyxena.
EURYMACHUS: Yes. Yes I am.
EURYLOCHUS: That must be…nice.
EURYMACHUS: Yeah…(Takes sip of wine goblet.)
POLITES: So, what is your name, sir?
ACHILLES: I am Achilles. Please buy my bestselling Epic Poem, the Illiad, on book shelves now.
POLITES: I will do that. It sounds very interesting.
ACHILLES: It is. So you were in Odysseus’ crew huh?
POLITES: Yes I was, sir. That was quite an adventure. You might even say it was an, EPIC adventure. Buy The Odyssey on bookshelves now!
ACHILLES: Woah, we didn’t agree to cross-promotion!
POLITES: You are right. I apologize.
ACHILLES: Damn, you’re…uh…what’s the word?
ACHILLES: No, not that…some other word…
ACHILLES: No, not apologetic…
PEISISTRATUS: So…those aren’t real?
OEDIPUS REX: Nope.
PEISISTRATUS: I’m not talking to you. So those aren’t real?
POLYXENA: Yes, they are real.
PEISISTRATUS: There’s no way…
POLYXENA: Sweet Helios….
OEDIPUS REX: If only I could see those apparently wonderful breasts of which you speak.
PEISISTRATUS: You can’t see?
OEDIPUS REX: I have to glass eyes, that’s why I thought you were talking to me, retard.
PEISISTRATUS: Really? That’s cool. So, Polyxena, you and Eurymachus, when you two are f**king
POLYXENA: Excuse me?
PEISISTRATUS: I’m sorry, making love, what position do you prefer?
POLYXENA: We are saving our love-making for marriage.
(Cut to footage of Polyxena and Eurymachus having vaginal sex on the floor of their Chambers with Polyxena against the wall, breathing heavily. The breasts and buttocks are shown, but the Vagina
and Penis are pixelated.)
POLYXENA: OH, EURYMACHUS!
(Cut back to the party.)
EURYMACHUS: Pff. Lame.
(Cut to Laertes at the counter of the IDC.)
WORKER: Well, we found trace amounts of Lotus Flower and Helios Sheep in your urine sample.
LAERTES: What? Impossible. Improbable.
WORKER: No, possible. Probable. True. Do you eat Lotus Flowers or Helios Sheep?
LAERTES: Well, I mean, who doesn’t indulge in the occasional Lotus Flower or Sacred Sheep of the Sun God?
WORKER: I don’t.
LAERTES: Listen, am I getting my business license or what?
WORKER: Well, you do, but your facility will be subjected to constant, and I mean CONSTANT raids by Ithaca authorities.
LAERTES: Ohhh! I’m so scared! Bring it on.
(Cut to Laertes outside his chambers putting a sign on the door that says “LAERTES & SON SINCE 1170 BC”)
LAERTES: There we go. Perfect.
(A bunch of armored men come with a battering ram.)
LEAD MAN: ONE, TWO, THREE!
(They ram Laertes into the door, and then the door breaks down.)
LEAD MAN: OH, GOD. HAULT!
LAERTES: WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT S**T? YOU BROKE MY F**KING NOSE AND THREW MY BACK!
OFFICER: Sorry about that. You got Lotuses or Helios Sheep in here?
LAERTES: NO! I’m going to sue the HADES OUT OF YOU!
OFFICER: Alright. We’re going to do a search.
LAERTES: No way. Do not cross.
(Cut to Laertes in jail.)
LAERTES: I showed them.
(An officer walks up and opens the door.)
OFFICER: Someone named Odysseus payed your bail and left.
LAERTES: OH THANK ZEUS! Wait, someone named Odysseus? He’s the king of your freakin’ island, idiot.
OFFICER: I’ve never heard of him.
THIS PROGRAM CONTAINS NUDITY
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED
(Cut to Anavete and Polyphemus talking.)
ANAVETE: Ya see, me and you,
POLYPHEMUS: You and I.
ANEVETE: ‘scuse me?
POLYPHEMUS: Oh, the grammatically correct way to say it is “you and I.”
ANAVETE: …I was just about to say that we got each other, and we came from similar backgrounds, and that I like you. But now I realize you’re a f**kin’ grammer nazi,
POLYPHEMUS: F**king grammar nazi. Don’t use unneccesary contractions. Also, what’s a nazi?
ANAVETE: Um, I don’t know Spacey told me about Nazis.
(Cut to Peisistratus and Polyxena talking.)
PEISISTRATUS: I just…I’ve been suppressing my sadness about Telemachus…(starts “tearing up.”) I can hardly, contain, my sadness anymore, (Starts “crying” profusely and buries his face in Polyxena’s
POLYXENA: Aw, it’s alright. It’ll be okay. He’s in Hades now, a better place.
(Peisistratus smiles a little bit.)
PEISISTRATUS: I MISS HIM SO MUCH!
POLYXENA: I know you do.
PEISISTRATUS: HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND!
POLYXENA: I’m sure he was wonderful.
(Cut to Leartes And Son. Leartes is inside sitting at a Marble Desk with Papyrus on it. He holds a feather and some ink.)
LEARTES: Okay, what do I need for this new business? Oh man, what is this business for again? Oh yeah, takin’ out targets. We’re hired assassins. Well, I guess until he gets over Telemachus,
I’m a hired assassin. So how do I get business for something so illegal? A front!
(A sped-up video tape shows Laertes decorating his chambers to look like a boring old office, and he puts a sign over his table that says “LAERTES & SON REAL ESTATE” and then sits down.)
(Someone knocks at the door.)
LAERTES: Come in!
(Eurymachus comes in.)
EURYMACHUS: What the hell is this?
LAERTES: My Real Estate business. Would you like to buy property in Ithaca?
EURYMACHUS: Sure. I do want a place here for Polyxena and I to spend our lives.
LAERTES: Come again?
EURYMACHUS: I would like to buy property.
LAERTES: So you don’t want anyone killed?
EURYMACHUS: WHAT? If this is a front, I’ll report you to the Ithacan Police.
LAERTES: Of course it’s not a front, god…anyway, right, you want to own property. How about you come with me?
(Cut to Peisistratus talking to Telemachus’ friend, Mentor.)
MENTOR: Listen Peisistratus, you are good at getting cheap thrills, but if you really want to ********** and ***** ***** ***** and get that ******* and then up and through the **** then you gotta
g**** f**** lick on your own **** and *************************************************. You got it?
PEISISTRATUS: WOW…Yeah, I think I got it loud and clear.
MENTOR: Cool. Now follow me.
(They go back to the party, where they see Polyxena talking to people.)
MENTOR: I’m Mentor, the late Telemachus’ best friend and mentor on the ladies. I’ve mentored so many peeps to success, you should just call me the, uh, something…
MENTOR: Just talk to her dude, not in a weird way, be a little sympathetic, but don’t be afraid to be a jerk.
PEISISTRATUS: Got it.
(He walks up to her.)
PEISISTRATUS: HEY YOU F**KING C**T! Tell me again how you broke your wrist at age ten?
POLYXENA: (Gasps.) EXCUSE ME? WELL THAT IS JUST PLAIN RUDE.
(Eurymachus comes over.)
EURYMACHUS: What the hades? Come on, we’re going to see a house.
POLYXENA: Horrible human being.
(They leave. Mentor walks up.)
MENTOR: When I say “Don’t be afraid to be a jerk”, I didn’t mean drop a C-bomb.
(Cut to Laertes in a Greek palace in West Ithaca, showing it to Polyxena and Eurymachus.)
LAERTES: As you can see, this palace is elegantly designed, conceived, built and great for a new couple who think they’ll always love each other.
POLYXENA: Oh, we don’t think, we know.
LAERTES: Of course you do. Well, what do you say?
(Polites walks in with a black man in rags with one big eye and one small eye.)
POLITES: This dark man washed on shore.
LAERTES: What the f**k is wrong with his skin?
POLITES: I’d say he’s probably from Africa. How in Zeus’ name did he end up here?
LAERTES: I have no idea. I’ll bring him to Odysseus’ attention next week, but for now, keep him entertained. He’s probably entertained by thing like, yarn.
BLACK MAN: That’s some racist s**t, right there man.
LAERTES: Be gone. (Polites takes him away.) So do you want the house?
(Cut to a week later. We start with Kevin Spacey in the Royal Meeting Room with Odysseus, Penelope, Circe and Calypso standing next to him. Everybody is there except Laertes, Polyxena and
KEVIN SPACEY: Good morning everyone! It is November 7, 1170 BC to the E and I am Kevin Spacey LIVE in the Kingdom of Ithaca, with King Odysseus and Queen Penelope! Also joining us is Circe, the
nymph of magic, and Calypso that sweet piece of ass we all want. Odysseus, Penelope and Circe are back after a leave of absence from the show they took two weeks ago when their son and Circe’s
husband Telemachus, tragically passed. Calypso is also back after he longtime crush, Elpenor also passed. Let’s give a round of applause.
KEVIN SPACEY: Someone is missing, aren’t they? Three people are.
POLYPHEMUS: Yeah, Laertes is showing Eurymachus and Polyxena a house.
KEVIN SPACEY: Really? Damn. Okay, Odysseus and Penelope, take it away.
ODYSSEUS: Hello, everybody. Ever since Telemachus passed, I have been extremely grief-stricken. But now I realize that I must be the only male in this family, and step up, take action and overcome.
So I’m coming back even though it’s hard.
PENELOPE: I express a similar sentiment.
KEVIN SPACEY: Perfect!
(Polyxena, Eurymachus and Laertes come on stage.)
LAERTES: I just sold these two a house!
POLYXENA: It’s beautiful. We’re really glad with our decision.
ODYSSEUS: I didn’t know you were in the Real Estate business.
LAERTES: I am now. We are now. We’re Laertes and Son!
ODYSSEUS: Right. I’ll join you on that later. But right now, I got to go somewhere. Take Penelope to her chambers.
(Laertes takes her away.)
ODYSSEUS: Okay, well, I will be back a little later.
(He walks away.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Hell of a guy. Okay, today’s challenge is not really a challenge at all. You see, the network is cutting costs, so we’ve got to make roommates out of yous bums. Laertes will help you
get houses and apartments throughout the island, because you all can’t just live in private chambers here at the King’s palace.
POLYPHEMUS: I can barely fit in the chambers I already have!
KEVIN SPACEY: Well, at least this way someone can live with you. Maybe Circe?
CIRCE: No way, he’s an asshole.
POLYPHEMUS: F**k you!
KEVIN SPACEY: HEY! You people need to learn how to get along. Now let me pair up some peoples.
KEVIN SPACEY: There we go.
CIRCE: Oh, c’mon man.
KEVIN SPACEY: Don’t whine and fret, just relax your ample jets.
(Cut to Odysseus getting on his ship. The camera is hidden in some bushes, and there is also a hidden camera on a nearby boat filming him. He unhooks the boat and it floats into the sea.)
ODYSSEUS: I’m coming, Telemachus.
(We start with Odysseus on his ship. He sails the ship toward a large inferno in the water. The camera closes up on the inferno. Out of it pops a muscular red man with a beard and a crown.)
ODYSSEUS: HADES, RULER OF HADES.
HADES: ODYSSEUS, RULER OF ODYSSEUS ISLAND.
ODYSSEUS: Actually, it’s Ithaca.
HADES: Oh, okay. That’s weird. Anyway, what can I do for you Odysseus, son of Laertes and man of many skills?
ODYSSEUS: Okay, let’s cut the Epithet bulls**t and get down to the reason I am here. I am here to get my son, who, I pray you Hades, went too soon.
HADES: Odysseus, I am not in charge of death. Zeus is in charge of that. It was his time, and I cannot define Zeus’ wishes.
ODYSSEUS: It was not his time. He was killed by a vengeful madman who had no care for the feelings of others. Adreines deserves to rot forever in here, not my son.
HADES: I simply cannot release people from Hades.
ODYSSEUS: You released Elpenor, Antinious and Eurymachus!
HADES: Yes, but they pleasured me in ways others could never do.
ODYSSEUS: That’s just lovely…listen, Telemachus is a good kid who deserves a longer life.
HADES: I cannot grant him life; however, I may grant you visitation rights. You may visit Telemachus in Hades every Thursday and every other weekend and one month in the summer.
ODYSSEUS: Today is Thursday.
HADES: Then go right ahead my friend.
(Odysseus jumps in. Cut to Eurymachus and Polyxena moving furniture into their palace. Eurymachus is moving a large table while Polyxena sits and drinks wine on a nearby chair.)
EURYMACHUS: God…damn…this is huge…do you mind?
POLYXENA: We just got this wine.
EURYMACHUS: Oh, of course.
(Cut to Polites and the black man from the last episode in Polites’ chambers. Laertes and Penelope are also there.)
POLITES: He just washed up on shore.
LAERTES: How is his skin so dark?
PENELOPE: It’s amazingly dark. I’ve never seen anything like this before. So strange.
POLITES: Well, I believe he must be from the land they call, “Africa”.
PENELOPE: I have not heard of this land. Is it close by?
POLITES: Relatively. You just have to cross the Aegean Sea and then make a couple of rights turns and you’re there.
PENELOPE: For some reason, I’m really tempted to enslave this guy.
BLACK MAN: Oh no.
(Cut to Laertes showing Circe and Polyphemus a crappy shack-house.)
LAERTES: This home has three walls, one bed, and a s**tting hole out back.
CIRCE: (Uncomfortable.) Is that right?
POLYPHEMUS: I love it. The ceilings are just high enough for me, and there’s a s**ttin’ hole!
CIRCE: Are you kidding me, Polyphemus? This is a place for poor people. I have a huge house back home in Aeaea.
POLYPHEMUS: Ugh, fine. We won’t take it, but we need something in our price range.
LAERTES: What’s your price range?
POLYPHEMUS: Uh…the show’s budget gave us like 35 jewels.
LAERTES: Oh, then this is much too expensive.
(We start with Eurymachus and Polyxena being shown squalor of a house.)
LAERTES: As you can see, it is a fixer-upper, and it has a window that can double as both a door, and a s**tting hole.
POLYPHEMUS: Sweet Helios…
CIRCE: This is terrible. How much does this hades hole cost?
LAERTES: About 35 jewels.
POLYPHEMUS: Can you get us the other place on a deal or something?
LAERTES: (Chuckles.) Oh, Polyphemus. For you, anything.
LAERTES: Besides that. Because that house is about 100 jewels.
POLYPHEMUS: What the hades, man…
LAERTES: That’s what I likes to call, the ol’ “Screw you, beggars can’t be choosers” move.
(TO BE CONTINUED)
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