THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA
BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE GREEK TOURISM ORGANIZATION
KEVIN SPACEY (NARRARATOR): What happens when you put the King and Queen of Ithaca, Circe, Polyphemus, Calypso, Hermes, Helios, Telemachus, Adreines and rude suitors on the same island? Find out
in…”THE REAL WORLD: ITHACA”.
KEVIN SPACEY VOICE-OVER: Today, Odysseus and Penelope have been told to go horse-back riding in East Ithaca to improve their marriage. But Antinious has different plans…
ANTINIOUS: Odysseus and Penelope are sooo wrong for each other. I’m going to break those two up, so Penelope can get some sweet, Antinious loving.
ODYSSEUS: Guy’s a dick.
(Odysseus is in the royal kitchen with Penelope planning the trip when Antinious and Eurymachus come in.)
ANTINIOUS: Hey Penelope, Odysseus. What are you guys doing?
PENELOPE: We’re planning to go horseback riding.
ODYSEUSS: Yeah, so why don’t you piss off?
ANTINTIOUS: Hold the f**king phone…what’d you say to us?
EURYMACHUS: Yeah! What’s a phone? I mean, yeah!
ODYSEUSS: Piss off.
ANTINIOUS: AW, HELL NO! I will not take that s**t from you!
PENELOPE: Okay, calm down, guys. We don’t want any violence like the last time Odysseus killed you.
ODYSEUSS: Yeah, how the hades did you come back?
ANTINIOUS: I have my ways.
ANTINIOUS: Odysseus is such a jerkoff! I’m going to bash away at him forever with a cause to arms, with which religion decides onto the chosen few, the truth is, I WANT PENELOPE.
ODYSSEUS: We’re going to have a nice time, do you mind?
ANTINIOUS: No I don’t care; I just don’t like to be disrespected. Capiche?
(Polyphemus the Cyclops comes in.)
POLYPHEMUS: Hey, I just want to tell everybody something. I cut off my balls.
POLYPHEMUS: Oh, and I’m dating Circe.
ODYSSEUS: You’re dating Circe?
POLYPHEMUS: Circe is a hot, sexy magical woman, and she makes me very happy. Wow, this interview room is small, am I even in full view?
ODYSSEUS: Congratulations…I guess?
POLYPHEMUS: Thanks. Anyway, there’s a meeting.
KEVIN SPACEY OVERVOICE: The first meeting of Day One takes place inside the royal meeting room, and everyone is eager to hear what I have to say.
(Cut to the royal meeting room. Kevin Spacey is there, and everyone is listening to him.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Hello, pawns. It’s time for our first challenge of the day. You must pick up newly furbished sandals from Sandal Washer Greg on the island of Niaboc, while avoiding the siren songs.
ODYSSEUS: It can’t be done!
TELEMACHUS: You’ve done it.
ODYSSEUS: No, I mean it can’t be done because Penelope and I are going to go horseback riding in East Ithaca.
KEVIN SPACEY: Yeah, that changed. You are now going to Centaur riding in North Ithaca.
ODYSSEUS: The slums? For Zeus’ sake, we might as well get mugged right here.
KEVIN SPACEY: Well, you are still going. Because Antinious is the one who is going to get the sandals.
ANTINIOUS: This is BULLS**T! I WANTED TO GO HORSEBACK RIDING WITH PENELOPE SO I COULD DRUG AND HAVE MY WAY WITH HER, BUT INSTEAD I HAVE TO GO TO THIS GODDAMN SANDAL WASHER PLACE! F**k this
s**t…(Takes off mic and leaves.)
KEVIN SPACEY: I have to warn you, the sirens are so beautiful that they cause lack of judgment, temporary insanity and of course, non-sequiturs.
(Cut to Antinious on the ship.)
ANTINIOUS: No sirens HOLY SH*T A SIREN.
(“Lovefool” by the Cartigans starts playing.)
ANTINIOUS: …Oh damn. I can hardly resist the late 90’s soul rock that defined what it means to be in love…I MUST…BUT ALAS; I CAN’T…JUSTIN BIEBER HAS A HUGE D**K! Oh, god. The non-sequiturs. LOVE
ME, LOVE ME, SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME, FOOL ME, FOOL ME, GO ON AND FOOL ME, I DON’T CARE ‘BOUT ANYTHING BUT YOUUU!!! I MUST GO!
(Footage cuts out. Cut to Kevin Spacey dressed in black, talking to the rest with a slave-girl near him.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Clean my anus, you bowl wretching space slut! Oh, are we on? Okay. Goodbye, slave girl. Everybody, Antinious is dead.
EURYMACHUS: Those bastards!
POLYPHEMUS: Who could resist the Cardigans?
CIRCE: I could.
POLYPHEMUS: I know you could, baby. (They start kissing.)
ODYSSEUS: Oh, for Zeus’ sake. You know he’s a Cyclops don’t you?
CIRCE: Yeah, and I’m a horrible, deceptive, manipulative witch. That’s why we go great together.
ODYSSEUS: Jesus Christ…Wait, who the hades is Jesus Christ?
KEVIN SPACEY: Listen, everybody, please.
KEVIN SPACEY: Now, you two are late to go Centaur riding in North Ithaca.
PENELOPE: I don’t know if I want to
KEVIN SPACEY: YOU’RE GOING, OKAY? IT’S A F**KIN’ REALITY SHOW! YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT THE HOST SAYS NO MATTER HOW DANGEROUS OR HUMILIATING IT IS!!
ODYSSEUS: Okay, okay. God…
(Cut to Odysseus and Penelope on a Centaur in the fields of North Ithaca.)
CENTAUR: (Bronx accent) I charge 40 jewels by the hour.
ODYSSEUS: That’s a little steep, don’t you think?
CENTAUR: Does howdy doodyus have a wooden d**k? Now pay up, you cheap Jew bastard.
ODYSSEUS: You see, I don’t know what that means.
PENELOPE: We only have 20 jewels.
CENTAUR: Then, I’m gonna have to break your f**kin’ shins.
ODYSSEUS: Okay, now I’m pissed. (Takes out a bat and hits him over the head, and he falls over, knocking them both off.) I went Bronx on his ass.
(Cut back to the royal meeting room.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Did you guys have fun?
ODYSSEUS: We did not.
KEVIN SPACEY: Great! Now listen, the next challenge is to see who can successfully kidnap Helen of Troy. She’s a fine one.
ODYSSEUS: I’m kind of tied down.
KEVIN SPACEY: Well untie yourself, asshole because you’re going to kidnap some broad!
KEVIN SPACEY: WE’RE SPACE SLUTS! I mean, we’re back. The latest challenge is to go kidnap Helen of Troy, and bring her back here, so thee ancient tradition of raping her can begin, because women
have no rights!
CIRCE: Hey now! Just because that is completely true way doesn’t mean it should be taken c*cks advantage of!
ODYSSEUS: Listen, I’ve never seen this Helen in my life. So unless she’s so beautiful that a thousand ships could be launched for her, then I’m going to stay here with my wife-(He is shown an
image) POSIEDON OF THE SEA, I MUST HAVE HER!
TELEMAHCUS: Her delicate bosom is only partially obscured by strands of her auburn hair, and her image hypnotizes one to sacrifice nice necessities to sail upon the seas to find her, a girl so
nice, kind and cute that she makes all other girls in the world a horrible bore and completely moot!
CALYPSO: What? So suddenly we’re not attractive?
PENELOPE: Yeah, I thought you loved me unconditionally!
ODYSSEUS: That’s a condition. I must have Helen.
CIRCE: This is stupid. You would never leave me for this whore of Babylon, would you, Polyphemus?
POLYPHEMUS: No…of course…not…
CIRCE: I love you.
POLYPHEMUS: I love…you..to…Helen…
POLYPHEMUS: Every couple has a man or women that they could sleep with if given the opportunity. Mine was Jay-lo, but now it’s Helen. Not a big deal, just a switch. Although I guess we are going to
rape her, so…does that count?
CIRCE: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU! YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE!
POLYPHEMUS: THIS IS THE PERSON I’M ALLOWED TO SCREW IF GIVEN THE OPPURTUNITY OKAY???
CIRCE: I THOUGHT IT WAS JAY-LO!
CYCLOPS: Well now it’s Helen. BIG DAMN DEAL!
CIRCE: I HATE YOU, POLYPHEMUS!
(Circe marches out.)
POLYPHEMUS: Women. Pff.
CIRCE: Polyphemus is such a douchebag. I can’t believe he’s going to travel across the goddamn ocean just to screw some tramp with tits of thunder.
(Cut to Polyphemus, Adreines, Odysseus, Telemachus, Helios, Hermes and Eurymachus sailing on the ocean.)
HELIOS: Ready to go screw some tramp with tits of thunder?
CREW: HELL YEAH!
EURYMACHUS: Maybe we’ll find Antinious’ remains.
ODYSSEUS: How could you like that guy?
EURYMACHUS: He’s kind of like the friend that you don’t really like, but he has a Ping-Pong table so you’re like, sure, I’ll be his friend.
ODYSSEUS: Plus he helped you try to bang my wife for ten years.
EURYMACHUS: That too. No hard feelings?
ODYSSEUS: …Go to Hades.
EURYMACHUS: I’ve been. Took a long time to leave.
ODYSSEUS: Ugh, enough of you. I took the liberty of taking my crew along. My Motley Crew. They helped me during the Odyssey.
ODYSSEUS: Oh, odyssey. It’s a new word I made describing an epic journey, and it sounds like my name.
HERMES: Wow, you’re kind of egotistical.
ODYSSEUS: Yep. Now let’s go.
ADREINES: WHICH ONE OF YOU RAPED MY DAUGHTER? I WILL F**K YOU SO HARD IN THE ANUS YOU WIL BLEED GOAT SEMEN FOR A WEEK! Where’s your crew?
ODYSSEUS: Right here, Adreines.
(He opens up a trap door and a bunch of men jump out.)
ELPINOR: Zeus almighty, why’d you put that door there? We’ve been in there for days!
ODYSSEUS: It builds character. Plus, I knew I’d need you I just didn’t think it’d be in a matter of days.
ELPINOR: How long did you plan on keeping us in there, douchebag?
ODYSSEUS: As long as it took. Here’s a question, how are you here? I thought you died. I built a monument to you on that island, for Zeus’ sake.
ELPINOR: Yeah that was probably a waste of your time. I was able to leave, but I had to do a Greek with the king of hades and his demon friends. It was not pleasant. Don’t worry, I’ll compensate
you. What was the damage for the monument?
ODYSSEUS: Like 150 jewels.
ELPINOR: Okay. (Takes out his check book.) So who should I make this out too?
ODYSSEUS: King of Ithaca, Father of Telemachus, Husband of Penelope, Odysseus the first.
ELPINOR: I’ll make it out to “Oddy.” I seem to remember calling you that. What is today?
ODYSSEUS: Uh, it’s the 25th of Sextilis, 1170 BC.
ELPINOR: Okay. (Hands him the check.) There you go. Now, I will assist you in your journey to capture Helen of Troy.
ODYSSEUS: How did you know about that?
ELPINOR: Oh ya know a bunch of clearly horn-mad men on a boat with maps to Troy and erections. I just figured.
ELPINOR: So what is this, some reality show?
ELPINOR: Cool, cool.
ELPINOR: Now that I’m in Odysseus’s crew again, I can execute my master plan to exact REVENGE upon the tyrannical leader. Hu-hu-ma-ma! Wait, mu-hu-ha-ma! Wait, ha-wu-ma-ha! F**k it.
KEVIN SPACEY: Our contestants are still traveling to Troy to kidnap Helen in this week’s challenge.
ODYSSEUS: What the hades is that?
(A ship labeled “The Network” sails up, filed with suited men.)
HEAD OF PROGRAMMING: Hello, I’m the head of programming and this show is retarded. You are cancelled, so much.
KEVIN SPACEY: …Crap.
(Cut to black. Suddenly we cut to Telemachus grooming a Helios sheep.)
TELEMACHUS: This sheep looks so damn delicious…
ODYSEUS: Resist it. Resist.
TELEMACHUS: I can’t…I just can’t…waitaminute, weren’t we just trying to kidnap the Princess of Sparta Helen?
ODDYSEUS: Yeah, but we were cancelled. But now we’re back on, baby.
(Polyphemus comes in.)
POLYPHEMUS: Yeah, I have some news.
ODDYSEUS: OH, ZEUS…
POLYPHEMUS: I chopped Helen’s balls off.
ODDYSEUS: Helen is a woman, moron.
POLYPHEMUS: Yeah, not exactly.
ODDYSEUS: Excuse me?
POLYPHEMUS: Yeah she is clearly a transvestite.
ODDYSEUS: Oh god…but she’s so beautiful…
POLYPHEMUS: HE is.
ODDYSEUS: Oh Poseidon…
POLYPHEMUS: Yeah, we lifted up her dress, la la laa, the whole thing came off like a vest…la la la, revealing to everyone in the room to see, exactly what it was that endeared her to meeee….
ODDYSEUS: Wow, for a goddamn savage you’re a beautiful singer.
POLYPHEMUS: Thank you. Anyway, heshe’s a guygirl, and really gross. So we’re going to all have our turn with her-him and then drown her.
ODDYSEUS: That’s…incredibly messed up.
POLYPHEMUS: What do you suggest? Heshe has male parts. I mean, she’s useless.
TELEMACHUS: I don’t know…this sheep looks pretty good.
ODDYSEUS: Yeah it does look pretty tasty…
POLYPHEMUS: Are we talking about that? No, we’re talking about the he she in the room over there for Zeus’ sake!
(Circe comes in.)
CIRCE: So now that he/she is not just she, will you dickheads come back to your women?
POLYPHEMUS: After funsies.
POLYPHEMUS: We came all that way.
(Penelope comes in.)
PENELOPE: Well I still think it’s wrong.
ODDYSEUS: Penelope has been really pissy ever since I traversed the seas as the hero badass I am to rescue Helen from her hell on Earth. Now she’s trying to use this “she is a he” thing to
discourage me. It’s working.
PENELOPE: This just seems immoral on so many levels. It’s not only a homosexual act; it is sex against her will.
ODYSSEUS: You think this is homosexual? You should travel to Sparta, come back, and then tell me whether you think THIS is homosexual. She has a vagina!
PENELOPE: AND A PENIS!
POLYPHEMUS: Waitaminute, where the hades is your crew?
ODYSSEUS: Well, I know Elpenor is asleep on the roof; he does that a lot for some reason.
(Calypso comes in.)
CALYPSO: Yeah, but last time it was my roof and he fell off of it. What a dumbass…
ODYSSEUS: Yeah. But besides that, I don’t know.
(Cut to Eurymachus in the room with a naked Helen.)
EURYMACHUS: Sweet. Is that camera on? Yeah it is. Damnit. Man, that is fine. Oh god, what the hades is that? OH ZEUS! THAT’S A D**K. THERE IS A D**K. WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME THIS?? POSEIDON!
KEVIN SPACEY: Welcome back. Before the break, Odysseus and Penelope were arguing about Helen’s penisvagina, while Cyclops and Circe also experienced fallout.
PENELOPE: You want to RAPE Helen, a goddamn hermaphrodite?
ODDYSEUS: We might as well.
POLYPHEMUS: Yeah, we took the time to rent a boat and go get her, and I still haven’t paid all the payments to that douche from the boat renting service, and-
PENELOPE: Shut up, I’m talking to my husband, not you. Goddamn savage.
POLYPHEMUS: That’s cold. Come on, Circe, we don’t need this.
CIRCE: Up yours, Cyclops.
(She walks away.)
POLYPHEMUS: You know, my name is not Cyclops. I am son of-
ODYSSEUS: A bitch?
POLYPHEMUS: No, son of Poseidon and Thoosa, one-eyed sheep-herder extraordinaire, Polyphemus.
ODYSSEUS: Nobody cares. Now help me with Helen.
(They both leave, Penelope stays in a huff. Calypso enters.)
CALYPSO: He’s a real dick isn’t he?
PENELOPE: Right now he is.
CALYPSO: I pride myself in temptation. The only person in this world I haven’t successfully tempted is Odysseus. And I heard Penelope waited for her husband for twenty damn years while he was
fighting the Trojan War. So she can’t be tempted for any reason. But I’m always up for a challenge.
CALYPSO: You know, you should leave him. If he’s going to go around raping hermaphrodites.
PENELOPE: I can’t break up with him. We’re married. It’s a sacred bond that can’t be broken. I mean, I know he’s capable of loyalty, he resisted you.
CALYPSO: Yeah, but Helen is so beautiful all the men want her and all the women want to be her. It was the reason for the Trojan War. And they find out she’s a hermaphrodite, and they still want to
bang her. Does that not bother you?
PENELOPE: I try to see past that. Yeah, it pisses me off to no end.
CALYPSO: Then dump his sorry ass.
PENELOPE: I can’t do that. We’re married.
CALYPSO: Fine, then kill him.
PENELOPE: WHAT? NO ARE YOU INSANE?
CALYPSO: You’re right, you shouldn’t do that. Hey want some Lotus Flowers?
PENELOPE: What are those?
CALYPSO: When in doubt, uses the lotuses.
CALYPSO: They’re really tasty flowers, and you should eat them.
(She grabs them and eats one. Cut to 15 minutes later. She is lying down, dreary-eyed.)
PENELOPE: I don’t give a damn…I’m going to kill that…what am I talking about again?
CALYPSO: Killing Odysseus.
PENELOPE: Oh yeah…ooh, a butterfly.
CALYPSO: There’s no butterfly.
PENELOPE: Oh yeah…
CALYPSO: Oh, god.
(Cut to Odysseus, Polyphemus, Eurymachus, Telemachus, Helios, Adreines and Hermes all standing in front of Helen, whose naked body is lying on the ground motionless, asleep.)
ODYSSEUS: Um…so where do we start?
HELIOS: I don’t know…I think we just…kind of…jump on her.
POLYPHEMUS: Trust me, I came from a savage land where there is no anti-rape laws, we don’t jump on her.
ODYSSEUS: There are no anti-rape laws here, dumb eye.
POLYPHEMUS: Watch it!
ODYSSEUS: You should watch it; I mean you have no depth perception! OH SNAP!
(Helen punches him in the crotch.)
ODYSSEUS: AGHH! WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT???
HELEN: (Thick, male voice) YOU ASSHOLES BETTER GET THE HADES OUT OF HERE BEFORE I BLUDGEON YOU TO DEATH!
(They all start laughing.)
HERMES: Yeah, like you could beat us up. That’s comedy.
TELEMACHUS: Yeah, the dong’s not fooling anyone.
(They all laugh hardily. She gets up and punches Telemachus in the face, then Polyphemus is about to punch her in the face, but she flips and kicks him in the eye, and then kicks Odysseus in the
chin, causing him to fall over. She then kicks the camera in, cutting out the footage. Cut to an interview with Telemachus.)
TELEMACHUS: That was awful. Her manly fists of fury came from every which way, and pummeled us all to a pulp. She got so out of control that we put her in a cage and hung the cage on a ceiling.
She’s like a zeusdamn Gorilla up there.
(Cut to Odysseus, Telemachus, Polyphemus, Helios, Hermes, Adreines and Eurymachus all badly beaten, talking to Helen from the ground.)
ODYSSEUS: Helen, you have committed crimes against the crown of Ithaca, and against the gods of the sky. I hereby sentence you to death, by being thrown in the ocean. All in favor?
ALL OF THEM: AY!
ODYSSEUS: All opposed?
(Kevin Spacey comes in.)
KEVIN SPACEY: NAY!
ODYSSEUS: Nobody cares what you have to say! The ayes have it!
(Cut to the men throwing the cage into the ocean.)
MEN: ONE, TWO, THREE!
(They throw it in.)
ODYSSEUS: Well, it all worked out in the end.
POLYPHEMUS: Not really.
(Penelope walks in.)
PENELOPE: Odysseus, you son of a bitch!
ODYSSEUS: Excuse me, Penelope? That is no way to talk to the king.
PENELOPE: SCREW the king! I will murder you!
ODYSSEUS: You seem very passionate, but your pupils seem dilated. What the hades is going on?
(Penelope walks up to him and pulls out a lotus flower.)
PENELOPE: I will kill you with this knife I have!
ODYSSEUS: Penelope, where the hades did you get a Lotus Flower?
PENELOPE: This is a knife…damn…no it isn’t…why did I think that was a knife…?
ODYSSEUS: Listen, you have had too many Lotus flowers. Plus, we threw Helen in the ocean, and we didn’t rape her.
PENELOPE: Oh. Really? Cool. Scuse me…(She passes out.)
ODYSSEUS: Oh, those LOTUSES!
(They all start laughing. Commercial break.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Welcome back! I have a treat for all of you.
POLYPHEMUS: Circe and I are getting back together!
KEVINS SPACEY: Nobody cares. Let me announce my thing. We have a special guest today. To introduce him, please welcome, Tom Lehrer.
(Tom Lehrer walks out and sits down at a piano.)
TOM LEHRER: Theeere once was a man named Oedipus Rex, you may have heard about his odd complex. His name appears in Freud’s index because he, loved his mother! His rivals use to say quite a bit
that, as a monarch he was most unfit but, still in all they had to admit that he, loved his mother! He loved his mother like, no other. His daughter was his sister and his son was his brother. If
there’s one thing on which you can depend is, he sure knew who a boy’s best friend is. When he found what he had done, he tore his eyes out, one by one, a tragic end to a loyal son, who loooved his
mother! So be sweet and kind to mother, now and then have a chat! Buy her candy and some flowers and a brand new hat! But maybe you better let it go at that…or you may find yourself with a quite
complex, complex and, you may end up like Oedipus, I’d rather marry a duck-billed platypus, then end up like old Oedipus Reeex!
(The audience is jaw-dropped.)
TOM LEHRER: Please welcome, Oedipus Rex!
(Oedipus Rex walks out to limited clapter.)
OEDIPUS: Thank you Tom, for that wonderful introduction. Now you might be thinking to yourself, now there’s a guy, whose eyes are real. Well you are wrong! I have to glass eyes. After I found out I
married my mother, I tore them out.
POLYPHEMUS: Sweet Helios…
OEDIPUS REX: I am completely and utterly blind. I cannot see any of you right now. The reason I am here today is to make sure you get some quality time in with your mothers. But of course, not the
time I did.
ODYSSEUS: This is weird. I don’t want to hang out with my mom. She’s long dead.
OEDIPUS: Well, then who has a mom that’s alive here?
POLYPHEMUS: I do! Thoosa is my mum. I am her little Cyclops. I am her world.
OEDIPUS: Listen, everybody. Nobody has to spend time with their mothers, unless of course they want to get paid by the network.
(Cut to Thoosa and Polyphemus in a joint interview.)
POLYPHEMUS: This is my mom, Thoosa, she is a Sea Nymph. She and Poseidon wed about thirty years ago, circa 731 BC. And then they conceived me.
THOOSA: (Lights a cigarette) Yeah, I’m an old bitch though…my sea nymph hay days are looong over. I use to attract many a wayward sailor but nowadays they’d rather be bl**n by that Calypso bitch.
POLYPHEMUS: My Zeus, mom. They don’t need to know that.
THOOSA: I don’t give a damn. I stop giving a damn a long time ago.
POLYPHEMUS: Mom, tell them about my childhood.
THOOSA: Well, we enrolled Poly in a school for two-eyed people, and he got jabbed in the eye, every single day. We had to get him the hades out of there. They called him “One-eyed monster” and
“Cy-dork” and some pretty funny ones like, “Cy-chode” and (giggles) “Cy-fa-“
POLPHEMUS: That’s enough.
THOOSA: I was going to say “Cy-f*g.”
POLYPHEMUS: Oh, well that’s great. Hopefully we can bleep that.
THOOSA: But he was a rambunctious little boy. The biggest in his class. And when he grew up to be a sheep herder, I couldn’t help but feel like he could be doing more with his life.
POLYPHEMUS: Ma, I’m the most prominent sheep-herder on that island.
THOOSA: I mean, his name literally translates into “Very Famous.” That was not an accident. Although he was actually, an accident, but his name wasn’t.
POLYPHEMUS: Sweet Helios…
THOOSA: That’s why I’m glad he’s on TV. Can I say hi to someone? HELLO POSEIDON! Poly, say hello to your father.
POLYPHEMUS: Hi, dad.
THOOSA: That’s a good boy.
(Cut to Telemachus and Penelope in a joint interview.)
TELEMACHUS: So, as you guys know, this is my mom, Penelope.
PENELOPE: Telemachus is a fine young man. Of course, he used to s**t and piss everywhere, but I solved that when I invented this cushiony soft fabric to go on his bottom.
TELEMACHUS: Good god…
PENELOPE: It works like a charm!
(Cut to Adreines and his mother, Nolambia.)
ADREINES: This is my mom, Nolambia.
NOLAMBIA: Adreines is my little boy. He is very successful now. He has a manor, a little slave-girl, and the cutest daughter you’ll ever see.
NOLAMBIA: I am so proud of him. And his slave-girl.
ADREINES: Why my slave-girl?
NOLAMBIA: She’s such a sweet heart.
NOLAMBIA: Adreines is my little boy.
ADREINES: Oh my god...
(Cut to Elpenor on the roof. He wakes up.)
ELPENOR: Uggh…whoah. I’m on the roof. I must have drank too much wine last night. What time is it?
(Looks at his wrist sun dial.)
ELPENOR: Oh my god. (He walks carefully to the side of the roof and hops down.)
ELPENOR: Auugh!! F**k!
(Cut to Elpenor on the floor, face-down.)
ELPENOR: Goddamn, that hurt.
(He gets up and walks up to Kevin Spacey.)
KEVIN SPACEY: Good afternoon. Nice tan.
ELPENOR: Crap, you’re right, I do have a sunburn. Hey, where’s Helen?
KEVIN SPACEY: They threw her in the ocean.
ELPENOR: I was holding off my revenge on Odysseus just to have sex with Helen. This is ridiculous.
(Cut to Elpenor and Eurymachus talking.)
ELPENOR: We need to get our revenge. He left me on the roof, didn’t even notice I was gone. Both of our deaths were because of HIM. We’ve both been to Hades because of that doucheclown.
EURYMACHUS: You’re right.
(Antinious walks in, drenched in water and seaweed.)
EURYMACHUS: Oh my Zeus, Antinious, you’re alive!
ANTINIOUS: Yeah I am. Those sirens were a bitch, though. All the angels there forced me to give them pedicures while they watched Sex in the City re-runs.
ELPENOR: Well, you’re just in time. We’re going to get revenge on Odysseus.
(Cut to Odysseus and Oedipus talking to each other.)
ODYSSEUS: So, why did you pull out your eyeballs? Seems kind of rash.
OEDIPUS: Well, it is what it is.
ODYSSEUS: Please don’t say that.
(Polyphemus and Thoosa both march out of the interview room.)
THOOSA: Honey, I didn’t mean it!
POLYPHEMUS: Yeah, right! THANKS A LOT, OEDIPUS!
OEDIPUS: You’re welcome.
ODYSSEUS: I don’t think you understand sarcasm.
OEDIPUS: Oh, I do. I just don’t care.
KEVIN SPACEY VOICEOVER: Well, to sum up the day’s events, the guys learned that rape is wrong and immoral.
(Cut to Helios and Adreines saluting the ocean.)
HELIOS: She’s out there somewhere/
KEVIN SPACEY VOICEOVER: Penelope has learned that murder is never the solution to a troubled relationship.
(Cut to Odysseus and Penelope in their bed.)
PENELOPE: I’m sorry about today.
ODYSSEUS: It’s okay. Want some lotuses?
KEVIN SPACEY VOICEOVER: And everybody learned to not end up like Oedipus Rex.
(Cut to Polyphemus and Thoosa talking.)
POLYPHEMUS: I love you.
THOOSA: I love you too.
POLYPHEMUS: But you’re starting to piss me off.
KEVIN SPACEY VOICEOVER: As for Elpenor, Antinious and Eurymachus, they have yet to learn anything. Find out next episode, what they do.
(Cut to Antinious.)
ANTINIOUS: OR ELSE!
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