The Valley of the Tools Episode 27

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Rob Altmire tries to slip subliminal advertising for his campaign into "Susan B. Trippin'", so Whitney is forced to have a come-to-Jesus moment with Whitney. Bonnie is hired to play Alice Paul in Susan B. Trippin', but a screen test simply reminds viewers of her porn career. Miles plans a European trip to scout locations for his movie, and throws a lottery on who to take.








“In my dream, I was almost there. Then they pulled me aside and said, ‘You're going nowhere’. They say we are the chosen few, but we waste it. And that's why we're still waiting!”

  • Win Butler


(We start with a Keurig dispensing coffee into a mug that says “ALTMIRE 2020- #KATIESOVERTHEHILL”. Cut out to reveal McKenzie taking the mug out of the dimmed break room and into the Stone Productions’ bull pen. It is clearly night time. McKenzie pushes open the door to Rob’s office. The windows are open and Rob is smoking a cigarette while looking over some papers)


ROB: Oh, thank you so much, Kenz.


MCKENZIE: You are so welcome! (McKenzie places the mug down on his desk and grabs her cigarette from an ashtray on the desk and takes a drag) So, first thing on the to-do list?


ROB: Order 2,000 custom “Altmire 2020” mugs.


MCKENZIE: Okay, that’s done, I don’t see how 2,000 was necessary-


ROB: Gotta have more than 2,000 people vote for me to beat Katie Hill, McKenzie.


MCKENZIE: I’m just saying, it put us back 40k. And now our break room has 200 mugs.


ROB: Well. There are boxes of them in my living room, so, cry me a river. (Rob takes a drag) Mind if I put on some music?


MCKENZIE: Not at all. (Rob puts on “Killed By Death” by Motorhead and begins standing up and playing air guitar. McKenzie sits back and smokes her cigarette as he lip syncs the lyrics) …Do I need to be here for this?


(Rob turns down the music and sits down)


ROB: Not that we’re psyched up-


MCKENZIE: We’ve been psyching up for an hour, Robert.


ROB: Okay! Let’s talk ads. Ads are expensive. And since we blew 40k on the mugs, I say we go subliminal.


(Rob opens up a Diet Coke and begins drinking it)


MCKENZIE: Rob, I made you coffee, maybe you want to drink that before the Diet Coke?


ROB: This is what I’m talking about! I subtly started drinking Diet Coke and now your mind is on Diet Coke! (Rob pours the entire Diet Coke in the trash) That’s what we need to do. And we need to do it in Susan B. Trippin’.


MCKENZIE: Rob…you know we’d have to run that by Whitney first.


ROB: Hey! I’m the head of development! We don’t have to run everything by Whitney! Just sneak into the editing bay and have them splice in a split second of our campaign logo, that’s al I ask!


MCKENZIE: Rob. Come on. Let’s go ask Whitney.


(Rob sighs, pouts and crosses his arms)


ROB: Fine.


(Rob and McKenzie put out their cigarettes and walk down the hallway toward Whitney’s office. McKenzie knocks twice)


WHITNEY: What’s wrong?!


MCKENZIE: What, do you mean-? We just need to talk to you?


WHITNEY: Come in! (Rob and McKenzie walk in to see Whitney pacing around the room while “Take Me Home, Country Roads” by John Denver on her computer. She turns it down) Two knocks means “major emergency”, you know that!

MCKENZIE: I thought that was three knocks?


WHITNEY: No, that means unprecedented catastrophe!


ROB: What does one knock mean, out of curiosity?


WHITNEY: It means there’s an emergency.


ROB: So they all mean emergency?


WHITNEY: Well, nothing else ever arrives in this office. (Whitney walks over to her mini-bar) I smelled the tobacco y’all are smoking in your office, you know that’s a no-no.


ROB: Sorry, we thought that since the building’s closed, it was alright.


MCKENZIE: The windows were open!


(Whitney hands Rob and McKenzie two straight whiskeys and has one for herself as she leans against her desk)


ROB: My God, we’re gonna be caffeinated, drunk and full of nicotine by the end of tonight.


WHITNEY: What’s up?


MCKENZIE: Rob had a, what I think is a really cool idea.


ROB: Let’s put subliminal advertising for my campaign in Susan B. Trippin’, we got a deal?


WHITNEY: Absolutely out of the question. Anything else?


ROB: Whitney, come ooooon!


WHITNEY: No! It takes place in the late 19th century, why would they have a bumper sticker on their horse-drawn buggy that says “Altmire 2020”?!


ROB: It doesn’t have to be diegetic; we can splice it in for a split-second.


WHITNEY: Diegetic? Wow, do you moonlight at film school?


ROB: No, Noel just never shuts up about film theory.


WHITNEY: This isn’t up for discussion, Rob. And honestly, I know this is after-hours, and I look the other way while you smoke and plan your campaign, during office hours, you gotta step it up on bringing me quality ideas.


ROB: “Lampshade Detective” wasn’t a quality idea?!


WHITNEY: No, you just saw something in the room and added “detective” to it.


ROB: Risks sometimes pay off, look at Breaking Bad.


MCKENZIE: Rob will bring in quality ideas, Whitney, I’ve got my creative team working really hard, working overtime.


WHITNEY: Really?


MCKENZIE: Yes, ma’am.


WHITNEY: They in there right now? The next room?




WHITNEY: I don’t hear anything?


ROB: One second, I gotta take a shit. (Rob walks out of the room and goes into the creative lounge and does an impression of Bonnie) Oh my God!! I wanna fuck guys on camera! I am so horny for fuck!




ROB: (Luther impression) Yo, man, I got this shiznit that’s gonna blow yo’ mizz-ind!



WHITNEY: Really offensive.


(Rob comes back in)


ROB: Sorry about that.


(Cut to Tuesday morning. Bonnie is waiting in a Starbucks, just scrolling through her phone. She gets a text from Noel- it reads “Just can’t wait for that beautiful face to walk through that door” with an attached picture of Stone Productions’ front door. Bonnie sighs and rolls her eyes, but she sends a heart emoji back. Suddenly, a tall, gaunt, mustached man with bushy eyebrows, who we know as Mushy Mouth Saunders, sits across from Bonnie)


MUSHY MOUTH SAUNDERS: Of all the places I’d run into you, Ms. Feck.


BONNIE: Never, ever call me that.


MUSHY MOUTH SAUNDERS: My apologies, Bonnie Backlash. Just know you can call me by my real name any time you like, though most people prefer “Mushy Mouth Saunders”.


BONNIE: I prefer “Mr. Eyebrow-Eyes”, because you don’t have any fuckin’ eyes, just eyebrows. You look like a terrifying Miyazaki character, you fuckin’ creep.


MUSHY MOUTH SAUNDERS: As combative as ever, Ms. Backlash, I like it. (He leans forward) Although you don’t seem so combative on camera these days, huh? (Bonnie gives him a death glare) You’ve kind of lost your edge. That aggressive side to Bonnie Backlash that people remember. Personally, I don’t think it’s your fault. I think it’s a lack of sufficient direction. Luckily, I’m the best director porn has ever seen. So what do you say? You wanna be in my movies again?


(A barista places an iced coffee with Bonnie’s name on it on the counter)


BARISTA: Bonnie!


BONNIE: One second. (Bonnie walks over, grabs the iced coffee, pours it on Mushy Mouth Saunders, who then stands up and tries to shake it off. Bonnie then walks over to the cashier) Excuse me! I’d like a refund, the iced coffee I just ordered is currently entering that old man’s ass crack. So. I’d like a new one.


MUSHY MOUTH SAUNDERS: You’ll come crawling back.


(Mushy Mouth Saunders walks into the bathroom. Bonnie flips him off)


CASHIER: Was he one of those alt-right guys or something?


(Cut to Bonnie and Luther sitting in front of Whitney’s desk)


WHITNEY: So have we heard about Neil Weiland’s pilot for BeBitched?


BONNIE: He sent it to us literally this morning, none of us had time to read it yet.


LUTHER: But we’re on it.


WHITNEY: Okay, don’t let the interns touch this, it’s too important. Especially Michael, his fingers are always sticky.


(McKenzie walks in)


MCKENZIE: Sorry about that. Just got off the phone with Danielle Shorten. Apparently, she’s going to be godmother to her sister’s new baby, I’m invited to the baby shower, which is super flattering-


WHITNEY: Get, to the important part.


MCKENZIE: Right. You know Allison Hall? The women who’s playing Alice Paul?


WHITNEY: Of course.


MCKENZIE: She’s out. The bitch abandoned us for Netflix.


(Whitney sighs and plants her face in her hands)


WHITNEY: What about her contract?!


MCKENZIE: It doesn’t take effect until the first day of filming. Which is tomorrow.


LUTHER: Goddamnit. What’s so great about Netflix anyway? This is Facebook Watch; I’d like to see Netflix re-connect you with your high school friends.


MCKENZIE: I see my High School friends on Netflix shows all the time. It’s fucking infuriating.


WHITNEY: What is the role?


MCKENZIE: She’s Rasputin’s love interest in a dramatization of The October Revolution. Which he definitely didn’t have, by the way. (Whitney sighs) Obviously, we don’t have time to do a casting call. We need to just pick somebody to play Alice Paul.


BONNIE: I’ll do it.


WHITNEY: Would you really?


BONNIE: Yeah, my porno schedule is flexible. Most of these dudes finish super early anyway, and we have to loop footage and use different angles and shit.


LUTHER: Shit, I wish you hadn’t told me that.


WHITNEY: Great, pending Facebook Watch’s approval, I think you’d be great.


MCKENZIE: I’ll talk to Van Veen.


(Whitney nods as McKenzie walks out. Bonnie barely suppresses a smile. Cu to Rob walking in with bags under his eyes. Julia is working reception. Rob stops by her desk. Julia is texting)


JULIA: Morning, Rob.


ROB: Hey, Julia, listen up, you did coverage on that, weird, cross between GLOW and Frasier, right?


JULIA: On The Ropes in Sleepless Seattle? Yeah, I skimmed it.


ROB: Cool, give me the basic rundown.


(Julia puts her phone down)


JULIA: I’d sort of describe it, as like, a cross between GLOW and Frasier-


ROB: Yeah, I got that part, but, let’s get specifics.


(Julia sighs)


JULIA: Alright…


(Cut to Rob pitching the idea in Whitney’s office)


ROB: So, a female pro-wrestler in 1980s Seattle finds she’s not making enough money, you know, because of sexism and Reaganomics and shit, so she decides to moonlight as a therapist! And her grandfather lives with her too, so it’s…pretty crazy.


(Rob smiles)


WHITNEY: How does her pro wrestling life bleed into her therapist life?


ROB: Well, I could imagine, she, you know flips over a table and yells at a patient that they should be happier- (Rob clocks Evelyn and Chelsea Weber, a white woman in her mid-30s and an old flame of Rob’s, in the hallway shaking hands outside Evelyn’s office) and…could you hold on one second?


(Chelsea walks down the hall as Rob jogs after her)


WHITNEY: How the hell do you “moonlight” as a therapist, doesn’t it require a degree?!


(Rob catches up with Chelsea)


ROB: Chelsea!

(Chelsea turns around)


CHELSEA: (British accent) Rob! How are you?


ROB: Really fuckin’ good, what are you doing here?


CHELSEA: I left CBS Studios, looking for new work. Interviewing to be Evelyn’s assistant.


ROB: Jesus, Chelsea, you don’t have to get a job here to get closer to me!

CHELSEA: Yeah, that’s what I’m doing. (Chelsea rolls her eyes and shows him an engagement ring) You deduced it.


ROB: Oh my God. Chelsea, don’t propose to me in public like this, I don’t know if I’m ready-


CHELSEA: Christ’s sakes, Rob, why would it be on my finger if I was proposing to you? I’m engaged!


ROB: …Oh.


CHELSEA: Yeah. I’m engaged to a man named Jack Lucas. So you don’t need to worry about any tension between us, of any kind.


ROB: Even of a sexual kind?


CHELSEA: Especially of a sexual kind!


(Rob sighs)


ROB: Congrats.


CHELSEA: That’s very enthusiastic, thanks.


(Rob pats her on the shoulder)


ROB: Good job.


(Rob swallows his upper lip and walks into Evelyn’s office. Chelsea scoffs and walks out of the office. Cut to McKenzie, Luther, Bonnie, Alec, Noel, Michael and Julia having lunch in the conference room)


NOEL: Here’s another thing I’ve learned about the industry-


LUTHER: Bro, you’re twenty years old, shut up.


(Miles walks in holding a giant top hat)


MILES: Who wants to go to Europe?


LUTHER: Miles, what are you doing here?


MILES: I wrote European locations into my movie, so I’m going to over there, and Whitney’s letting me bring one other person.


MCKENZIE: That’s awesome, I want to go!


MILES: Sorry, sweetheart, it’s gotta be random. (Miles puts the top hat on the table) Gotta write your names and put ‘em in the hat for a random drawing.


BONNIE: Why do you have such a big-ass hat?


MILES: We re-enact Rocky Horror Picture Show every night at my club.


LUTHER: Didn’t your club shut down?


MILES: It was going to, but then it burned down first.


ALEC: Jesus!


MILES: It’s alright, I saved the hat. And I’m getting a shit ton of insurance money.


LUTHER: …So, did you-?


MILES: Write down your names, fuckos, I don’t got all day. (Miles places a piece of paper and a pencil on the table. They shrug and begin tearing off tiny slips of paper and writing their names and placing them in the hat. Once they’re done, Miles picks up the hat and shakes it around) Where’s Rob, Whitney and the robotic chick?


LUTHER: Dude, that’s my girlfriend. And you know her name.


MCKENZIE: They have enough money as it is. They could probably just go to Europe on a whim.


LUTHER: Honestly, we should bring out the guillotines.


MCKENZIE: Definitely.


MILES: Alright, I can work with this. (Miles shakes the hat) I’ll spend some time with the hat and see who I come up with.


(Miles starts leaving)


ALEC: Wait? I thought it was a random drawing-


(The door closes. Cut to Rob sitting in front of Evelyn’s desk, which is right next to the copier. Evelyn is studiously typing on his computer, not even acknowledging Rob. Rob clears his throat. She doesn’t budge. He clears his throat even louder. Nothing. Rob grabs Evelyn’s monitor and places it gingerly on the ground, and Evelyn, clearly irritated, looks at Rob)


EVELYN: Rob, do you realize I also work in realty?


ROB: Nobody asked you to keep both jobs.


EVELYN: I need both jobs to finance my lifestyle. I wake up at 4am every morning and I’m not ready until 8am, once the third layer of contour make-up has been applied and Luther and I have achieved coitus twice.


ROB: Okay, let’s get down to business, and not, that. You can’t hire Chelsea.


EVELYN: Yes, I can.


ROB: We have a history.


EVELYN: So do whites and African Americans. Does not mean we don’t hire them. Or, even fuck them.


ROB: Stop, talking about having sex with Luther.


EVELYN: I’d rather not, thank you.


ROB: We used to, screw around, Chelsea and I. Now she’s engaged, I don’t want old feelings to pop up. You know?


EVELYN: I’ve never had old feelings for anybody. Feelings are in the present; they don’t persist after they’ve been felt. So, no, I don’t “know”. And I will hire as my assistant those who I see fit. Can I help you with anything else?


(Rob glares at Evelyn and stands up)


ROB: I wish I could fire you.


EVELYN: Likewise.


(Evelyn picks up her monitor as Rob walks back into Whitney’s office, where she is on the computer. She turns to Rob)


ROB: Okay, where was I? Uhhhh…GLOW and Frasier-


WHITNEY: It’s very stupid.


ROB: It is. It sucks. I’m sorry. (Sighs) I just know you wanted more ideas from me.


WHITNEY: Don’t force it. Only stuff you believe in. (Rob rubs his temple) Have you read Weiland’s pilot for BeBitched yet?


ROB: Yeah, I e-mailed you my thoughts. I gotta go have a cig.


(Rob walks out as Whitney checks her e-mail. She opens Rob’s attachment and starts reading it. She looks impressed. Cut to Bonnie on her laptop in the creative lounge. Luther is on his computer as well and McKenzie is on the phone)


MCKENZIE: Uh-huh. Awesome. Thanks, Ricky. (McKenzie hangs up and turns Bonnie) You’re on, Backlash.


(Bonnie turns to McKenzie)


BONNIE: Sweet. They’re not gonna kill me off and replace me with my evil twin sister, right?


MCKENZIE: I can’t guarantee anything, babe, you know that.


(Noel comes in)


NOEL: You get it?


BONNIE: Yep. (Noel squeals with delight and hugs Bonnie) Ah. Okay. (Bonnie tepidly pats Noel on the back) Thanks.


(Noel lets go of Bonnie)


NOEL: We need to practice your lines! You can be Alice Paul, I’ll be, everyone else! So excited, are there sex scenes in this? Of a lesbian nature?


BONNIE: Oh shit, I don’t know. I should’ve asked.


(Cut to Michael sitting across from Evelyn in her office, typing on his computer. Miles walks in and pulls up a seat)


MILES: Hey buddy-


(Michael looks up and smiles)


MICHAEL: How goes it, sir?


MILES: Alright, don’t call me sir, just call me “Miles”, alright?


MICHAEL: Oh, okay. (Gulps) Can I call you “Mr. Grothman”? I don’t think I’ve earned “Miles” with all due respect.


(Miles sighs)


MILES: Are you gay?


MICHAEL: No, sir. But I do have gay friends! Just you so far, but I have to say I’m enjoying the ride!


MILES: Great. Goodbye. (Miles walks away. Michael goes back to diligently typing. Cut to Luther finishing off a Sprite as Miles walks into the creative lounge, where McKenzie is also working. Luther crushes the can) Hey, Luther-


(Luther shoots the can into the trash can)


LUTHER: Damn! Kenz, you see that?


MCKENZIE: Yeah, it was great.


LUTHER: Damn right it was.


MILES: She clearly didn’t see it, dude.


LUTHER: What you want?


(Miles sits on Luther’s desk)


MILES: So, have you ever gotten really drunk?




MILES: And have you ever, I don’t know, kissed a man as a joke?


(McKenzie turns around, confused)


LUTHER: Nah, man. Never. I kissed Evelyn while she was dressed as a dude once, though.


MCKENZIE: Excuse me?


LUTHER: It was Halloween!


MILES: When was it?


LUTHER: A few weeks ago.


MILES: …So you and Evelyn, are still a thing?




MILES: Cool. I’ll see ya.


(Miles walks out of the room. Luther and McKenzie shrug and return to work. Cut to Miles walking into Noel’s office, right next to Rob’s. Noel looks up as Miles shuts the door)


NOEL: Hey, Miles! Good to see you, man-


MILES: Shut up. We saw each other today, so just stop talking.


NOEL: …What’s up?


MILES: Are you queer? Don’t fuck around.


NOEL: It’s so interesting that you ask, because, I identify as straight, and for sure, I’m 99.9% straight, but there are definitely very specific sets of situations where I would make an exception, and I think that just speaks to the fact that sexuality is truly a spectrum- (Miles leaves unceremoniously) and that’s what’s beautiful about mankind, very, very rarely are we 100% one thing or another-


(Cut to Miles walking into Rob’s office and shutting the door. Rob looks up)


ROB: What do you want?


MILES: You know, I am a client now.


ROB: You need us more than we need you, so, I think I’ll talk to you how I please.


MILES: I guess you don’t want to come to Europe with me.


ROB: Never, in a million years, not even if I was gay for you.


MILES: Are you gay?


(Rob stands up)


ROB: Why? Did someone say something? You didn’t talk to my 8th grade gym coach, did you?


MILES: Yes, Rob, I talked to your 8th grade gym coach.


(Rob sighs and sits down)


ROB: I’m a friend of the gay community, but watch your words, Grothman. Outing people without their permission is not okay- (Miles tilts his head) NOT that being outed is even an option for me, because I’m 100% straight, just get the hell out of here.


MILES: Will do.


(Miles leaves. Cut to Rob walking into Whitney’s office, sitting down on her couch and turning on her TV)


WHITNEY: Sure, just come on in. Fart all over my nice couch if you’d like.


ROB: I intend to.


(Rob turns the channel to CNN, where the Democratic Debate is starting, hosted by Jake Tapper, Don Lemon and Dana Bash)


WHITNEY: Oh, yeah, this thing. Jesus, CNN, you couldn’t have pushed this back an hour for the West Coast?


ROB: Shhh, they’re doing the national anthem.


(Cut to the TV screen, where veterans are marching the flag down the aisle)


WHITNEY: Oh, awesome, mandatory patriotism. I bet they’ll reenact the signing of the Declaration of Independence after this.


(Cut to Ryan and Catherine in their apartment, watching the debate. Ryan is lighting a pipe full of Marijuana while Catherine does yoga in front of the TV)


JAKE TAPPER: Congressman Delaney, just called it bad policy, and previously, he has called the idea political suicide, that will just get President Trump re-elected. What do you say to Congressman Delaney?


SENATOR SANDERS: You’re wrong!


(Cheers and applause as John Delaney puts on a shit-eating grin. Ryan exhales smoke and puts the pipe down)


RYAN: There he is!


CATHERINE: God, John Delaney looks like Homer Simpson, if Homer Simpson was less loveable and more punchable.


(Cut to Luther, Evelyn, Alec, Noel and Bonnie in the conference room, watching the debate on the TV mounted on their wall)


SENATOR SANDERS: What I am talking about, and others up here are talking about, is no deductibles and co-payments. And Jake, your question is a Republican talking point. (Cheers) And at the end of the day, and by the way, and by the way! By the way! The healthcare industry will be advertising TONIGHT on this program!


JAKE: Thank you, Senator. Senator Warren, it’s your turn.


SENATOR SANDERS: Oh, can I (unintelligible) please?!


JAKE: Your time is up-


SENATOR SANDERS: They will be advertising TONIGHT with that talking point!


LUTHER: Goddamn, Bernie finna have red dots on his head pretty soon.


EVELYN: Where is McKenzie?


LUTHER: She bounced early to fly to that rat-infested shithole Baltimore, with Kevin.




(Cut to McKenzie and Kevin in a Baltimore hotel, watching the debate. Kevin is taking off his pilot’s uniform while McKenzie is comfortably sitting on the bed)


MAYOR BUTTIGIEG: It is time to stop worrying what the Republicans will say. (Applause) Look, if, if, if it’s true that if we embrace a far-left agenda, they’re gonna say we’re a bunch of crazy socialists, if we embrace a conservative agenda, you know what we’re- they’re gonna do? They’re gonna say we’re a bunch of crazy socialists, so let’s just stand up for the right policy, go out there and defend it.


MCKENZIE: Yeah, Booty Judge, you could even try having any policy whatsoever! See how it feels.


KEVIN: He forgot to mention that if you have no policies, then they’ll call you crazy socialists too, so, I guess that’s what he’s going with.


(Cut to Hannah and Xandra on their couch watching the debate. Xandra and Hannah are both drinking mimosas and lying back on the couch. Their apartment is a mess from a recent party)


JAKE: Can you guarantee those union members, that the benefits under Medicare-For-All, will be as good as the benefits, that their representatives, their union reps, fought hard to negotiate?


SENATOR SANDERS: Well, two things, they will be better because Medicare-for-All is comprehensive, it covers all healthcare needs, for senior citizens, it will finally include dental care, hearing aids and eyeglasses.


CONGRESSMAN RYAN: But you don’t know that-


SENATOR SANDERS: But, second of all-


CONGRESSMAN RYAN: You don’t know that, Bernie.


SENATOR SANDERS: I DO know that and I wrote the damn bill!


(Applause, laughter and cheering)


XANDRA: Finally, Bernie’s coming alive tonight.


HANNAH: Yeah, him and Warren are kicking ass.


XANDRA: Bernie’s literally my dad.


HANNAH: …He must’ve had you late in life, then.


(Xandra chuckles and pushes Hannah)


XANDRA: Shut up.


(Cut to Rob and Whitney, both sitting on the couch, watching the debate)


GOVERNOR HICKENLOOPER: I think if you’re gonna force Americans to make these radical changes- (Bernie throws his hands up) they’re not gonna go along- you, you- throw your hands up!


(Hickenlooper throws his hands up)




(Senator Sanders throws his hands up, as laughter and applause echoes)


GOVERNOR HICKENLOOPER: You haven’t- OH-OH! (He throws his hands up) I can do it, but you haven’t implemented the plans, us Governors and Mayors are the ones that we have to pick up all the pieces, when suddenly the government’s supposed to take over all these responsibilities, and there’s no preparation, the details don’t work, you can’t just spring a plan and expect it to succeed!


ROB: Yeah! Why would you spring this plan on the world?! The UK only put it in place 70 years ago, why are you SPRINGING this on us?!


WHITNEY: Don’t you support Kamala?


ROB: Of course, and she’s in favor of Medicare-for-All, kinda.


(Cut to Ryan and Catherine watching the debate, Catherine is petting a goat like a dog, and Ryan is drinking straight from a handle of Jack)


SENATOR WARREN: I don’t understand why anybody goes to all the trouble, of running for President of the United States, just to talk about what we really can’t do and shouldn’t fight for-



(Uproarious applause and cheering as John Delaney smiles again)


RYAN: John Delaney- “Better Things Aren’t Possible”.


CATHERINE: He’s bankrupting himself just to own the lefties, and he’s falling flat on his face.


RYAN: He cares a lot about owning lefties, though, I wouldn’t be surprised if he ran against President Sanders in 2024 and then again, every year until he dies.


(Cut back to the conference room)


JAKE: President Trump has argued that the United States cannot continue to be, quote, “the policeman of the world”, you said the exact same thing on a debate stage in 2016. If voters are hearing the same message from you and President Trump, on the issue of military intervention, how should they expect that you will be any different from him?


SENATOR SANDERS: Trump is a pathological liar, I tell the truth!



ALEC: I don’t even have a pithy remark here, all I can say is “fuck you, Jake”.


LUTHER: Bernie shoulda said that.


(Cut to Bonnie sitting in an actor’s dressing room, dressed as Alice Paul, i.e., in late 19th century garb. She is getting make-up applied to her face as Danielle Shorten is sitting across from her, going over the script. Noel is standing behind her, observing everything)


DANIELLE: So, honey, we’re gonna have our wig guy come in and add a little arm and pit hair for Alice to have, are you okay with that?


BONNIE: Can I ask why?


DANIELLE: Well, Alice is supposed to be this, lonesome, grizzled assassin, so she may not groom the same as Susan and Elizabeth.


(Bonnie shrugs)


BONNIE: Whatever.


NOEL: Why is Alice Paul an assassin, again?


(Danielle stands up)


DANIELLE: We want people to watch this, alright? (Danielle claps her hands) Let’s get out there soon, alright?


(Danielle ducks out of the room. Noel goes over to Bonnie)


NOEL: You’re gonna do great.


BONNIE: I know I am. (Noel kisses Bonnie on the cheek) Noel, they’re still doing my make-up.


NOEL: Sorry.


(Noel backs off. Cut to a camera crew on a cobble stone street at some studio backlot. They’re pointing their cameras at a horse and buggy. Danielle is sitting in a director’s chair near the camera while the lighting and sound is being set up. The actress playing Susan B. Anthony steps out of the carriage)


SUSAN: Are we almost ready? This girdle is crushing my rib cage.


DANIELLE: One more second, Reilly.


(Reilly sighs and gets back in the carriage. Rob walks on set wearing sunglasses)


ROB: Wow-ee, this looks super dope. Those real horses?


DANIELLE: (Sarcastically) No, Rob, they’re fake horses.


(Rob takes off his sunglasses)


ROB: Feisty. I like that.


DANIELLE: You realize I’m gay, right?


ROB: I’m nice to everyone, even the gays. So listen, I’m just dropping by to make sure everything’s going smoothly, just one of the many responsibilities of the head of development.


DANIELLE: You know, we’re not sure we want you here, because last time you were here, your girlfriend gave half the cast the shits.


ROB: Well, let’s forgive and forget, huh? And hey! She’s not my girlfriend anymore, so if you’re lucky-


DANIELLE: Again, gay.


ROB: Right, sorry, I keep forgetting.


(Danielle sighs)


DANIELLE: Just stay out of our way. No! Jack, let me help you.


(Danielle runs over and helps a young PA set up a C-stand. Rob surreptitiously takes out an “Altmire 2020- #KatiesOverTheHill” sticker and slaps it on the back of the carriage and walks away. Cut to Bonnie, playing Alice, in a tiny, dinky and barren 19th century apartment. She is sitting in a barrel, smoking a cigarette while looking into a mirror. She is wearing a torn dress and has clear underarm hair. Weapons hang on her wall. A knock is heard at the door)


BONNIE: Go away.


REILLY: (As Susan) Alice. It’s me.


(Bonnie stands up, suspicious, and grabs a dagger from her wall)


BONNIE: Who is “me”? And don’t answer wrong.


REILLY: It’s Susan.


(Bonnie slowly sidles up to the door, opens it, beckons her inside and closes the door)


BONNIE: The fuck do you want, Susan? Make it quick.


REILLY: I have a job for you.


BONNIE: No ya don’t. I’m retired.


REILLY: No. This job is too big. We’re gonna bring down one of the most powerful men in the world.


BONNIE: …You have two minutes.


REILLY: Alice. You’re gonna kill the Archduke of Austria, Franz Ferdinand.


(Cut to Danielle walking on the cobblestone set, right by the horse-drawn carriage. Rob is talking to one of the actresses in 19th century garb nearby)


ROB: So, Facebook thinks you should just try to incorporate a few ad-libs into your lines, talk about how Katie Hill has let us down, and that Rob Altmire is what Santa Clarita needs, something like that.


ACTRESS: Okay. Who is Katie Hill?


(Danielle approaches them)




(Rob jumps, startled)


ROB: Agh! Wow, I thought you were inside, directing the scene with Bonnie.


DANIELLE: Jack broke one of the LEDs. You seem to be trying to break my actress.


ROB: What? No, I was just-


ACTRESS: Who’s Katie Hill?


DANIELLE: Rob! You can’t-


ROB: This is my show, shouldn’t I be able to-


DANIELLE: No, this is Facebook Watch’s show, you are merely PRODUCING it, you don’t understand- (Danielle looks over at the bumper sticker on the horse-drawn carriage) what the fuck-? How long has that been there?!


ROB: No time at all.


ACTRESS: We filmed the scene with that on it.


DANIELE: Rob! Damn you, we gotta film that all over again now!


ROB: I’m the head of development, I have a right-


DANIELLE: Get the hell off my set.


ROB: Uh-huh.


(Rob walks off the set)


ACTRESS: He promised me Billie Eilish tickets.


DANIELLE: Just ignore him.


(Cut to Bonnie and Reilly in Alice Paul’s apartment, sitting across from each other while Bonnie smokes and looks out the window)


REILLY: I’m not saying it’ll be easy.


BONNIE: I don’t want to go down for this.


REILLY: You won’t! (Reilly takes out a bag) We’ve got a disguise for you. (Bonnie turns toward Reilly) How do you feel about being a Bosnian Serb?


BONNIE: …I’m open to it.


(Cut to this scene being played in front of a test audience of thirty people. Zoom out further to see Bonnie, Luther, Danielle, Noel and Facebook Watch executive Ricky Van Veen watching the test audience from a viewing bay through a one-way mirror)


LUTHER: …Is it just me, or do they seem…confused?


BONNIE: What do you mean?


LUTHER: Like, they’re whispering to each other and don’t seem to be engaging with what’s going on.


RICKY: I notice that too.


(The credits roll on the episode)


BONNIE: Maybe they’re whispering about what an amazing fucking actress I am, ever consider that?


LUTHER: Nah, I haven’t.


NOEL: I bet they are, babe.


RICKY: I’ll go see what’s up. (Ricky walks out of the room and walks into the screening room and stands before the audience) Hi, everyone, I’m Ricky Van Veen, Head of Global Creative Strategy at Facebook Watch, and-


AUDIENCE MEMBER: You were also in CollegeHumor sketches way back in the day, right?


RICKY: Uh, yes, a really, really long time ago, I used to work at CollegeHumor. Anyway-


AUDIENCE MEMBER: You were funny, man!

RICKY: ANYWAY! I was wondering if we could get some feedback on the woman playing Alice Paul.


(A balding, middle-aged man pipes up)


WARREN: Yeah, what was her name?


RICKY: Marla Feck.


WARREN: You know, she looks EXACTLY like Bonnie Backlash!


(The audience members clamor in agreement. A young teen with acne pipes up)


DANIEL: That’s exactly what I was thinking!


RICKY: Well, no, that’s Marla Feck. So. What were your thoughts on her?


WARREN: No, man, that was Bonnie Backlash. I masturbate to her, like, EVERY night.


DANIEL: Same here.


RICKY: Let’s get some of the women in on this- Amanda? Do you want to chime in?


AMANDA: Yeah, that’s Bonnie Backlash.


RICKY: Okay, well, putting that aside, thoughts on her performance?


DANIEL: I felt distracted and horny throughout.


RICKY: Throughout, her performance, or-?


DANIEL: No, throughout the episode, but especially during her performance.


(They all clamor in agreement)


RICKY: Okay. You guys sit tight.


(Ricky walks out of the screening room and back into the viewing bay)


BONNIE: Goddamnit, I was afraid this might happen.


RICKY: So, it’s true? You’re Bonnie Backlash?


BONNIE: Yes! How did you guys not know?


RICKY: We were in a jam, we just signed off on you without checking. But if you just remind people of your work in porn, this might not work.




RICKY: I’m sorry! But we can’t fuck this up, this is Facebook Watch we’re talking about!

DANIELLE: Ricky, we do not have the time, or the money, to recast or reshoot anything! Period!


BONNIE: Yeah, and who the FUCK do you think you are!?


NOEL: Bonnie-


BONNIE: You can’t just toss me aside like I’m orphan garbage-


RICKY: Orphan garbage-


BONNIE: I’m twice the actress that cunt you had before was-


DANIELLE: Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie, please stop! We can work this out.


BONNIE: Porn is STILL acting, fuck-o!


RICKY: Sure we can’t re-cast?


DANIELLE: Positive.


(Ricky sighs)


BONNIE: Look, I’m sorry I yelled, but there have been many actors who have risen from unserious to serious roles! Cranston, Carell, McConaughey! All men, but, larger barriers have been broken.


RICKY: …Fine. But you have to quit porn.


NOEL: I think that’s a reasonable compromise!


LUTHER: Dude, don’t.


(Bonnie shrugs)




(Bonnie and Ricky shake hands)


LUTHER: I’m sure you and Noel can still do your sex tapes.


DANIELLE: Your what?


NOEL: Nah, I’m good.


(Cut to Rob, McKenzie and Whitney watching night two of the second Democratic Presidential debate in Whitney’s office)


CONGRESSWOMAN GABBARD: Now, Kamala Harris just talked about Kathleen Sebelius, who helped write her bill, this just pointed to the fatal flaw in her proposal. Sebelius works for Medicare advantage, a private insurance company who will stand to profit under her plan. If we’re seeking to really reform out healthcare system, we’ve got to shut out big insurance and big pharma, out of the drafting process, so they cannot continue to profit off the backs of the sick people in this country who are searching and in desperate need of care.


(Uproarious applause)


ROB: Who is this woman and why is she beating up on my girl Kamala?!


MCKENZIE: She makes a good point; Kamala is trying to make sure Medicare-For-All benefits big insurance.


ROB: That’s my friend up there! I need to get in there and defend her.


WHITNEY: Yes, please, Rob, she needs your help, she’s in distress.


ROB: Exactly, Whitney! Thank you! McKenzie- compose a campaign release.


MCKENZIE: I will quit if you make me defend Kamala Harris.


(Cut to Ryan and Catherine watching night two of the debate. Ryan is watering a bamboo plant while Catherine is doing goat yoga, as in holding a goat up with her feet)


VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Obamacare covered 20 million people right off the bat! 100 million people with pre-existing conditions! And in fact, what we got is a public option, that in fact, would allow anybody to buy in, no one has to keep their private insurance! They can buy into this plan!


CATHERINE: I can’t believe this guy’s still leading. Because nominating an establishment candidate worked so well last time.


RYAN: They just want the bragging rights of winning the popular vote again.


VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: And if they don’t have any money, they can get in free! So this idea is a buncha malarkey, what we’re talking about here!


RYAN: Wow, malarkey! He’s bringing out the hits! I can hear the 57-year old MSNBC addicts swooning from here.


(Cut back to Rob, McKenzie and Whitney watching the debate, where Senator Booker and Vice President Biden are sparring)


SENATOR BOOKER: If you wanna compare records, and quite frankly, I’m shocked that you do- (cheering and applause) I’m happy to do that. Because, all of the problems that he is talking about, that he created, I actually led the bill that got passed into law, that reverses the damage, that your bills, that you were frankly, to correct you, Mr. Vice President- you  were bragging and calling it the “Biden crime bill” up until 2015!


MCKENZIE: Biden’s calling out Booker on his terrible record in Newark, Booker’s calling out Biden on his terrible record, Kamala’s over there being terrible, this is basically a debate full of hypocrites attacking each other for hypocrisy.


ROB: Easy does it, on my girl Kamala. We’re borderline pen pals.


WHITNEY: That’s such a low, level of friendship.


SENATOR BOOKER: Mr. Vice President, there’s a saying in my community, you’re dipping into the Kool-aid, and you don’t even know the flavor.


(Laughter and applause)


MCKENZIE: On that note, I’m going home.


ROB: Wait, what about the campaign? Assuming I don’t fire you for being a Harris hater?


MCKENZIE: Sorry, Rob, Kevin’s in town, for once, and I wanna go spend time with him.


ROB: Alright.


MCKENZIE: See you guys in the morning.


(Whitney gets up and goes to the bar)


WHITNEY: See you, Kenz. (McKenzie leaves as Whitney prepares a drink) You want one?


ROB: Of course. It looks like it’ll be a long debate.


(Time lapse to somewhat later. Rob and Whitney are sitting on the couch, their drinks empty, watching the debate)


CONGRESSWOMAN GABBARD: Senator Harris says she’s proud of her record, as a prosecutor and that she’ll be a prosecutor President, but I’m deeply concerned about this record. There are too many examples to cite, but, she put over 1500 people in jail for marijuana violations and then laughed about it when she was asked if she ever smoked marijuana. (Applause) She blocked evidence, she blocked evidence that would’ve freed an innocent man from death row until the courts forced her to do so. She kept people in prison beyond their sentences to use them as cheap labor for the state of California, and she fought to keep cash bail system in place, that impacts poor people in the worst kind of way.


(Rob gets up to make another drink)


WHITNEY: Shit. I might go for Tulsi after this.


(Rob turns)


ROB: NO! Don’t listen to her, I’ve read about Gabbard, she’s a Russian! She met with Bashad Al-Ashad!


(Rob sips his drink and sits down)


WHITNEY: I don’t know, she made Harris look really bad. Seeking the death penalty for someone you know is innocent? That’s basically attempted murder.


ROB: I can’t watch my BFF be besmirched like this- mind if I turn this off?


WHITNEY: Not at all.


(Rob turns it off as Whitney walks over to her desk and sits behind it. Rob sits in front of her desk and gulps down his drink)


ROB: Goddamn, it goes so fast.


WHITNEY: You want something that’ll put some hair on your chest?


ROB: No, I actually have far too much hair on my chest. (Whitney takes out a jar of moonshine) The hell is that?


WHITNEY: It’s moonshine, junior. You scared?


ROB: Where’d you get it?


WHITNEY: My parents sent me some for my birthday, back in April. Haven’t drank it yet, because I hate them, but. They don’t have to know.


(Rob smirks)


ROB: Load me up, pard’ner.


(Whitney squints, as she’s about to pour)


WHITNEY: That’s…not really a West Virginia thing, but. (She pours him some) Whatever.


(Whitney pours herself some moonshine as well. Rob takes a sip, and swallows it. His eyes go wide)


ROB: Wow.




ROB: I identify as a functional alcoholic, and that knocked the wind out of me.


WHITNEY: Well…I identify as Californian.


(Rob chuckles)


ROB: I can hear the accent after you’ve had a few, though.


WHITNEY: I know, I hate it.


ROB: You shouldn’t! It’s part of who you are. I’m from Boston, you don’t hear me hiding the way I say “wicked retawded”.


WHITNEY: But that’s because I’ve never heard you say that.


ROB: Well, that’s because of PC nonsense. Gotta be on my best behavior, you know, since the Colleen stuff.




WHITNEY: …It’s strange to think that’s how this all started. (Rob shrugs) Do you ever think about Colleen?


ROB: …Sometimes. But not really.


WHITNEY: You’re not mad at her?


ROB: I’m not. Ultimately…that whole thing probably gave me what I needed. (Beat) I really wanted to impress you with my pitch today.


WHITNEY: I know, Rob. But you never read that script.


ROB: Yep.


WHITNEY: You also left in the middle of it.


ROB: I know.


WHITNEY: To chase after a pretty lady.


ROB: Easy.


WHITNEY: Like an easily distracted child.


ROB: Come on!


WHITNEY: I’m just saying, Rob, look at this- (Whitney takes out Rob’s notes on Weiland’s BeBitched pilot) these notes you gave me on Weiland’s BeBitched pilot, are spot on.


ROB: That’s very nice of you.


WHITNEY: I agree with every note, for real.


ROB: What’s your point?


WHITNEY: When you can focus, and you aren’t distracted by these, these, grudges, or these infatuations, you do great work. (Beat) What were you doing when you wrote these notes?


(Rob sighs and takes out a cigarette)


ROB: You mind? (Whitney gestures to the window. Rob opens the window, sits down and lights his cigarette and exhales the smoke behind him) It was six in the morning, I had forgotten to do it, I read the pilot, wrote up the notes, and gave them to you after the pitch. There wasn’t a trick, or anything.


WHITNEY: But it was the first thing you did?


ROB: Yes.


WHITNEY: Before Twitter or Facebook, before TV, before breakfast, before your morning shot, before anything?


ROB: Yes?


WHITNEY: This is what I’m talking about, Robert, when you aren’t constantly distracted by Lilly, Marianne, Chelsea, Katie Hill, any of those people, you do great work. (Beat) It also helps if you’re sober.


(Rob chuckles)


ROB: You assume I’m always drunk?


WHITNEY: Not drunk, but…not sober. For instance. I got an e-mail today from Danielle, about you absconding with her set. For your campaign. You’re gonna tell me you were completely sober?


(Rob pours a bit more Moonshine)


ROB: I will tell you that. (Rob sips the moonshine) Doesn’t mean it’s true.


(Whitney smiles)


WHITNEY: You can’t be caught up on this shit forever. Forget Lilly, forget Chelsea, forget Marianne, forget Katie. All you need is right here. Look at your own paper.


ROB: Whitney. I languished, for sixteen years in Boston, bouncing at several different clubs, going nowhere. Drinking, doing drugs, fucking myself up. I came close to suicidal, if I’m being honest. (Whitney leans forward) I moved in with my sister, helped her with her business, got sacked. Moved to LA, became successful, finally! Then, ruined.




ROB: SO, I don’t feel like…I don’t feel like anything is secure anymore. Because everything I’ve had has fallen apart. Even this job, for a while!


WHITNEY: So you’re constantly looking for a Plan B?


ROB: Correct. You’ve psychoanalyzed me better than Dr. McMurphy ever could.


(Whitney chuckles)




ROB: It’s alright. I just feel this need to get back at them somehow. Get back at them or get them back. Whichever’s easier. Maybe both. Then I could get back at them by trapping them in a terrible relationship.


WHITNEY: That’s, sadomasochistic.


ROB: Oh yeah, I guess it is.


WHITNEY: Living well is the best revenge, I say.


ROB: Cheers to that.


(Whitney and Rob clink their jars of moonshine)


WHITNEY: So, you’re gonna chill out?


ROB: Sure. (Beat) One condition, though.


(Whitney sighs and leans forward, in interest. Cut to Bonnie and Noel in bed, looking at each other)


NOEL: …I’m proud of you for today. Sometimes compromise is just a part of life.


BONNIE: I know. (Noel kisses Bonnie) Thanks.


NOEL: …You’re welcome.


(Bonnie turns over. Noel turns over as well. Time lapse into the night. Bonnie checks to see if Noel’s asleep. He is indeed. Bonnie sneaks out of bed. Cut to her in the walk-in closet. She opens a chest in the corner by putting in a combination. She takes out a brunette wig. Cut to Bonnie looking at herself in the mirror, wearing the wig, fake nails, green contacts and a fake mole on her cheek. She’s wearing a low-cut black shirt that shows a ton of cleavage)


BONNIE: (Whispered) Nice to meet you, Olivia Outrage.


(Cut to “Olivia Outrage” having sex with a black dude on a shitty “hotel room” set as a muscular white guy films them. Mushy Mouth Saunders stands behind the camera, smiling with his arms crossed. Cut to the next day at work. Cut to Alec in his office, gaming on his computer. Miles stops in and he minimizes the window)


MILES: Hey, Alec, you sure you’re completely straight?


ALEC: You’ve been asking everybody that, I’m beginning to think this “drawing” isn’t as random as you’re letting on.


MILES: Just answer the question.


(Alec grinds his teeth and squints)


ALEC: …No. I’m, uh…bi-curious?


(Miles smiles and takes out the hat. He fishes out Alec’s name)


MILES: I guess you’re going to Europe with me.


ALEC: Awesome! Can I bring Tara?


MILES: What? No.


ALEC: Oh. Then, never mind, I don’t wanna go.


(Alec goes back to gaming)


MILES: Hold on! (Alec turns back to him) Fine. You can bring Tara. I’m bi-curious too, anyway.


(Alec nods uncomfortably as Miles winks and walks out of the room. Alec then calls Tara)


ALEC: Hey, T. We’re going to Europe! (Beat) Yeah, trust me, there’ll be two rooms.


(Cut to Rob walking in to work and picking up the LA Times from the reception desk. McKenzie walks over with coffee)


MCKENZIE: Morning, Rob.


ROB: Morning, Kenz. Hey, your birthday is this Sunday, right?


MCKENZIE: You’re damn right it is. Hopefully I’ll remember the next four months better than last time, huh?


ROB: Wow. That’s depressing. Let me know if you have a party or whatever.




ROB: You finished your notes on BeBitched yet?


MCKENZIE: Uh, almost.


ROB: Cool. Just have it done by lunch, okay?


(McKenzie is thrown off)


MCKENZIE: Yeah, of course.


(Rob gives a thumbs-up as McKenzie walks into her office. Cut to an editing bay at Facebook Watch. A curly-haired, sweaty, 30-year old editor dude is putting together the episode of Susan B. Trippin’ where Bonnie appears. The editor finishes off a Monster energy and throws it over his shoulder, but it’s caught by Whitney. He turns around)


EDITOR: Holy shit, where did you come from?


WHITNEY: How are you, Stewart?




(Whitney sits next to her)


WHITNEY: Would you do me a big favor?


STEWART: …What is it?


(Whitney slides a flash drive over to him)


WHITNEY: Splice this clip in for a millisecond, at any point you’d like.


STEWART: …Does Facebook Watch want this? I don’t want to lose my job.


WHITNEY: You’re damn right Facebook Watch wants this. And more importantly, and more truthfully… (Whitney leans in on Stewart, almost kissing him, but stopping short) …I do…


(Whitney runs her hands through Stewart’s greasy hair and leaves. Stewart is shaking with excitement and quickly plugs the flash drive into the computer)


(Cut to Rob walking over to Evelyn’s office, which she shares with Julia and now, Chelsea)


ROB: Morning, Evelyn.


EVELYN: Morning, Robert.


(Rob turns to Chelsea, sitting at her own separate desk)


ROB: Welcome aboard, Ms. Weber.


CHELSEA: Thank you.


(Chelsea shakes Rob’s hand)


ROB: Or, should I say, Mrs. Lucas?


CHELSEA: No, I’m keeping my last name.


ROB: Oh. Very good. Personally, I’d insist on him taking your last name, if I were you. But. That just shows how dedicated I am to feminism. Be sure to vote for me against Katie Hill.


CHELSEA: I don’t live in Santa Clarita.


ROB: Well.


CHELSEA: And neither do you.


ROB: Regardless. I look forward to working with you.


(Chelsea nods and Rob leaves. Evelyn leans back, seemingly impressed. Cut to Rob walking into his office and shutting the door behind him, as we zoom into a close shot of his name on the door- “ROBERT ALTMIRE” as a cacophony of phone calls come in. Cut to black)



Submitted: August 05, 2019

© Copyright 2022 NEONETWORK. All rights reserved.

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