Defining Truth

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ive forgotten how much i love writing.

Submitted: October 26, 2015

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Submitted: October 26, 2015

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I feel sad a lot of the time, always telling myself my existence is worthless.

 

I cry so much, the loss and frustration are more than I can understand and carry.

 

There is too much hatred swirling within me; more than I ever knew a person could possibly possess.

 

The despair of having no one overwhelms my spirit, dragging me down into a place that is lower than hell.

 

Living is impossibly hard with all of the cuts and wounds etched deep into my heart; it has become small and breakable like the shell of a robins egg.

 

Even so, I cannot help but push on.

 

I am cursed. The fatal flaw I possess demands a piece of me, no matter how small, to always push on in spite of my suffering.

 

Naught but a tiny wisp, crying out the ultimate truth of who I am. Deep from within the core of my being it rings clear:

 

“Someday I want to be okay.”

 

I want to keep living; to keep trying to pick up the broken remnants of my self, no matter how many times I am destroyed.

 

The need keeps me pushing onwards, the drive to find a brighter future.

 

A future that is greater than all of the hardships and trials I will ever face; I want to be more than just a dream.

 

The flame driving me onwards will never go out completely, no matter how many times I tell myself its not worth it, every time I say I give up and douse the fire.

 

Reducing myself to a flickering ember, I will not cease to be; I will spark once more and become greater, blazing so fiercely, I ignite the brokenhearted embers dying around me.

 

This life is so beautiful; I love being alive more than I’ve ever loved anything else.

 

Perhaps its the way water floods my socks after I step in a puddle, that feeling as I grudgingly finish a school assignment at 4 in the morning, the times I catch myself smiling at a passerby as we each walk our separate paths down the street, or even how my hair sticks to the back of my neck on especially hot July evenings.

 

No matter how strenuous these feelings become. I welcome them with open arms because I love each and every one.

 

Living is freedom for me, the freedom to relish everything I experience, to learn from my lowest moments, to help others learn the joy they can feel simply by being.

 

I’ve begun to understand that I must accept the waves, to let them wash over me without being pulled deeper beneath the tide.

 

And so, my emotions must run their course before I drift into sleep. How am I to have sweet dreams otherwise.

 

As I Wake up in light of the tremulous downpour previous nights bring, everything always seems renewed, like the breath I draw is somehow sweeter.

 

It is for these reasons that I cannot bear the notion of truly taking my own life.

 

How could death change the sadness one has experienced during life?

 

It cant.

 

Death cannot fix the mistakes that have been made, cant right the wrongdoings of a bully.

 

Why would I want to die, only knowing the suffering I felt in those last moments?

 

The last thought flitting through my mind being one of darkness and despair.

 

I don’t want to die feeling like there is no good left in life.

 

I want to live on, to see the problems that drag me down fixed, hoping that one day they will be nothing but dust in the wind.

 

Death will not bring me happiness, it will only offer up silence; the kind of silence that is unending.

 

It would be an eternity of forever wishing for another chance to go back, to watch as a new day begins with the sun boldly rising against the horizon, wishing I could rewind time;

 

That I could rise with the sun once more.

 

No, I choose to live. To push on in these hard times so that I may savor the taste of true happiness, when it comes.

 

Right now, I’m going to let myself heal. It will take lots of time, there will be many setbacks. Hell, I might even end up back at square one again.

 

I think that’s okay though, because you see:

 

I don’t think id want life to work out any other way.

 


© Copyright 2020 Neroorfar. All rights reserved.

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