CHAPTER 1

“Oh, my God. There’s white cap guy,” said Maya. She nudged me hard in the ribs, sending my Fritos rattling down the steps. I squinted to where she stared mouth opened. Whitecap guy was walking out the library, chatting animatedly with his friend. He laughed out loud, the sound carrying above the babble in the quad.

“He’s so cute,” breathed Maya, her gaze following as he crossed toward the parking lot.

I grabbed another packet from the pile between us and tore it open.

“He’s too loud,” I said, popping a tangy chip into my mouth.

“Mm, I wonder if he’s loud in bed too,” laughed Maya. She turned her hazel eyes to me and wiggled her eyebrows.

“Oh, my word,” I blushed, stuffing more crisps into my mouth. The glare of my handicap suffocated me, so I turned away from Maya and continued gazing at the people rushing by. My virginity always made me feel as though a joke had gone over my head; I could be on the same level as everyone else if I just got rid of it already.

“I wonder why he’s always wearing that cap,” said Maya.

“Maybe he’s got a hole in his skull and you could see his brain through it,” I said.

Maya threw her head back and laughed, hurling her body onto me in the process. “Oh my God, Meg. You’re insane,” she said, wiping the tears from her eyes.

Footsteps pounded down the stairs, crunching on the spilt snacks. The guy stopped and looked down, checking the bottom of his pristine red sneakers. Then, he lifted his gaze to me, his brow furrowed. I anxiously brushed a hand through my braids and scratched the back of my head as my face heated. After an eternity, his eyes moved from me.

“Maya?” he asked uncertainly, slightly pursing his full lips.

Maya snapped her head from white cap guy. Her small eyes bugged out with recognition and a broad smile lit up her face. She bolted up, running her hands down her tight skirt, and threw her arms around the stranger.

“Oh, my God,” she exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

“Err, probably the same thing you are,” he said.

Maya laughed and smacked his arm. “Well, obviously, but I mean I didn’t know you studied here. I thought you were in Joburg like everyone else.”

“Nuh. My parents would’ve expected me home on the weekends. I’m sure that’s why you ran so far away too,” he laughed, revealing dimples and a mouth full of braces.

“Definitely. But I’ve been here a whole year and I’ve never seen you on campus.”

“I’m doing my third year. Law pretty much keeps you buried in the library,” he said, then hitched his backpack up his shoulder to emphasize the point. “What are you studying?”

“Occupational Therapy,” said Maya, turning back to me. “Oh, this is my friend, Megan.” I smiled up at them like I hadn’t been paying attention to their conversation and waved at the handsome stranger. “Megan, this is Shaun, another Highfield High survivor.”

Shaun extended his hand to me, bent low, and smiled. Mechanically, I lifted my hand to him, and his soft palm engulfed it. “It’s nice to meet you, Megan,” he said, squeezing my hand. My stomach did a backflip and a weird, faint screech emanated from my throat.

“Nice to meet you,” I breathed. Shaun held my hand for longer than necessary, his brown eyes roaming over my face. My cheeks heated, and I pulled my hand out of his grip. He stood up straight and hitched his bag up to his shoulder once again.

“Ladies, I have to go, but we should definitely hang out soon,” he said still looking at me.

“Definitely. I’m sure we’ll see you around,” said Maya.

“How about we do something this weekend then?” he suggested. Maya looked at me excitedly, seeking my confirmation. I shrugged, leaving the decision up to her.

“What do you have in mind?” she asked Shaun.

“Have you guys been to Rockies?”

“No, we haven’t,” said Maya. She turned back to me once again, excitement radiating off of her. The thought of a crowded pub made me cringe, but perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad if I got to stare at Shaun for a night. I smiled sheepishly up at Maya. She beamed at me before turning back to Shaun.

“How’s Saturday?” she asked.

Shaun smiled. “Perfect. I’ll see you then,” he said then stalked off towards the library.

CHAPTER 2

“Oh crap,” I cussed when the eyeliner pencil jammed into my eye. I scrunched my eyes closed as the burn subsided slowly. When I opened them, the room spun, so I blinked rapidly at the mirror to try and slow it down.

“Here you go, friend,” shouted Maya over the music blasting through the speakers. She set an ice-cold margarita on the table, then sashayed over to her phone to change the song. I took a sip of the chilled drink, enjoying as it slid down my throat, calming my nerves as it went.

Maya’s roommate, Linda, bounded into the room.

“Can I use your lipstick,” she said, grabbing it before I could object. Annoyed, I watched as she leathered on the rouge. She pressed her thin lips together, blew a kiss at the mirror, then threw the lipstick on her bed. With a sigh, I snatched it, turned to Mya’s side of the room, and put it back in my toiletries bag.

“I love this song,” shouted Linda as she started dancing in the middle of the room. I rolled my eyes and turned back to the mirror to finish my eyeliner.

“Friend are you almost done?” asked Maya.

“Yeah. The eyeliner is proving a little tricky though. Probably should’ve done that before we started drinking.”

“Soya’s outside,” she said, scrolling through her phone. “I’ll be right back.” Maya ambled out the room, leaving me with Linda who had started grinding against the wardrobe. I turned to my overnight bag and dug inside for my cardigan. The alcohol had relaxed me a bit, but I knew I would get cranky if I got cold later.

“Hey, bitches,” yelled Soya. He sashayed into the room and threw his arms around me before joining Linda’s grind session. “Oh, my Gina! You guys are so drunk already,” said Soya.

“Some of us are fake drunk,” I mumbled under my breath. Maya walked back into the room and handed a tall glass of margarita to Soya. He flipped his blonde fringe, tossed his head back and drained the glass in 30 seconds.

“Hit me again, bitch. I need to catch up,” he said, handing the glass back to Maya.

“No, I don’t want to walk when it’s too dark,” said Maya. “I’ll buy you a shot when we get there.”

Maya turned off the music as I put my stuff away. I grabbed my phone and put it in my left bra cup. Then, I grabbed some cash and put it in the right.

“Don’t forget your student cards. Students enter for free,” said Soya. I dug my student card out of my wallet and slid it in my bra cup with my money. One last scan around the room and we filed out.

~

Only a few cars drove past as the four of us walked the 20minute route from campus housing to Rockies pub. We heard the house music blasting before the red brick building came into view. A ton of bodies milled about outside, waiting to get in. My heart thundered in my chest. The walk and the cool evening air had taken most of the alcohol out of me. What am I doing here? I thought. I looked over at Maya. Her face lit up with anticipation, her hazel eyes shining brightly at the sight before us. She seemed to be absorbing the energy radiating from the bar, and I could tell she had been waiting for this for a long time.

In our first year, Maya had turned down all party invites because I wouldn’t have gone with her. No matter how many times I had told her to go and enjoy herself, she had refused, opting for girl’s night in instead. I knew that I couldn’t take this night away from her. If I were to leave, she would insist on leaving as well, so I gulped down my anxiety as we joined the herd outside.

When we finally got to the door, two burly bouncers in all black stopped us. One stood in the doorway, while the other sat on a chair.

“Students or cash?” asked the seated bouncer.

“Students,” said Maya. We all took out our student cards and handed them over.

“Sorry, you’re underage,” he said to me.

“But she’s a student,” said Maya.

“Still. The law is the law,” said the seated bouncer. He handed the student cards back. “The rest of you can go in though.”

“My 18th birthday is literally 20 days away though. In that short amount of time, I’m not going to grow any more mature than I am right now,” I said.

“I know the owner,” said Soya. He flipped his fringe and crossed his arms. “I want to talk to Uncle Kev,” he raised an eyebrow and pouted his lips.

His statement only seemed to irritate the seated bouncer. He looked at all four of us and curled his lip. “No. You’re blocking the line. All of you move,” he said.

Soya drew in a large breath, and pointed his perfectly manicured finger, ready to argue, but Maya pulled him away. We squeezed through the crowd and headed back to the street.

My cheeks burned with embarrassment. I shouldn’t have come, I thought. I had ruined the night for everyone. Soya mumbled to himself as he paced up and down the street not too far from us.

“I should’ve taken Shaun’s number,” said Maya, chewing on her thumbnail. “Maybe one of us can go in and let him know we’re out here.”

“No need for that,” dismissed Linda. “Stay here. Megan and I will be right back.”

“Where are you guys going?” asked Maya.

“I have a friend who stays just around the corner. Megan must just walk in as an outsider and pay the entry fee. She’ll change her outfit at my friend’s house.”

“But that guy got a good look at our faces,” said Maya.

“You guys will just have to distract him when we come back,” said Linda. She grabbed my arm and dragged me up the street before I could protest.

Less than ten minutes later, we stood outside a white house. Linda knocked on the door and five seconds later, it was yanked open by a short chubby girl in a red silk nightgown and a headwrap. “Hey, Linda,” she beamed. She ushered us inside the large living room where four other girls were sprawled on vomit-coloured couches, watching tv. They briefly glanced at us before turning back to their show.

“Sam, we need a change of clothes,” said Linda. She headed straight down the hall with Sam following in quick steps. Setting my discomfort aside, I trotted after them.

“What happened?” asked Sam. She leaned against the wall as Linda freely rummaged through her wardrobe.

“Ugh, it’s that annoying bouncer at Rockies. We need to get Meg in.”

“Oh. I hate that guy,” said Sam.

Linda emerged from deep in the wardrobe with a green cotton scarf and a black leather jacket. “Wrap this around your head,” she said, tossing the scarf at me.

I looked down at the soft garment clutched in my hands. “Uhm. I don’t know how to do this,” I said.

“What? What kind of African woman doesn’t know how to tie a scarf around her head?” scoffed Linda. I exhaled slowly, willing myself not to say anything rude. I owed it to everyone to at least try and make this ridiculous plan work. Plus, if it did, I’d get a night to drool over Shaun.

I grit my teeth and forced a smile on my face.

Linda threw the jacket on the bed, then stood in front of me. She yanked my head down, my braids spilling over, and grabbed the scarf from my hands. Next, she rolled it over my head tightly and secured it. When I lifted my head, I felt out of balance, like I was about to tip over backwards.

“Is it too tight?” asked Sam.

“No. It’s fine,” I lied.

“Okay, put the jacket on,” commanded Linda.

I took off my cardigan and hesitated.

“You can leave it here and I’ll bring it to campus on Monday,” said Sam. When I still clutched it in my hands, she said, “Actually my housemates were talking about going to Rockies. I can wear it and we’ll exchange there,” she smiled sweetly. I liked her, and just as with Maya, I couldn’t fathom how she could stand Linda.

Satisfied with the arrangement, I placed the cardigan on the bed and pulled on the cool leather jacket. “Thanks,” I smiled at Sam.

“Okay,” clapped Linda. “Let’s go get drunk.”

CHAPTER 3

Maya and Soya waited in a darkened corner, watching the door nervously.

“Do I look like a new woman?” I asked, holding my arms out.

“Don’t worry, it’ll work. Have your money ready,” said Linda. I dug into my bra and pulled out a R50 note as we made our way towards the thinning crowd.

When we got to the door, the bouncer who had been seated was gone, only the second one remained. He looked at the four of us curiously.

“Student cards or cash?” he asked in a deep rumble. Maya, Soya, and Linda produced their student cards and I handed over the note. He barely looked at the student cards before he started laughing. He handed them back and took the money from me.

“Go in quickly, he’ll be back,” he said as he stepped away from the door. When I moved in past him, he lowered his head and whispered, “Covering your hair won’t make us forget that pretty face. Stay away from the entrance for the next hour.”

I ducked my head and crossed the threshold. I was now a known illegal alien with no leverage to ask for change.

The noise that had rumbled from the outside was nothing compared to the boom inside. The pub was packed with drunk bodies swaying up and down. The bar was littered with people vying for the bartenders’ attention.

“I’m going to get us a table,” yelled Soya, still barely audible over the music. He squeezed through the crowd; his petite body occasionally knocked from side to side.

Linda called out and waved at one of the bartenders and the guy ambled over to our side. She and Maya squeezed through to the counter to order our drinks. Two minutes later, two 660ml bottled of Smirnoff Storm spirit cooler were shoved in my hands. Maya broke away with two more, and so did Linda.

With the icy bottles clutched to our chests, we fought our way through the crowd, manoeuvring through the dance floor, until we located Soya waving at us from a corner right at the back near an extra-large speaker.

We laid our drinks on the table and Maya dropped a handful of straws.

At my confused face, she yelled, “They were out of glasses.”

The heat was stifling, and I itched to take off the jacket, but the stools didn’t have any backs. Resigned to sweat through it until my cardigan arrived, I took off the tight scarf and hung it loosely around my neck. Grabbing one of the bottles, I peeled the metal cap with my teeth, and stuck the straw inside, holding it tightly so it didn’t float to the bottom.

After the first bottle, I was in the zone. My head buzzed, and the dance floor looked inviting. While I practised restraint, Linda took off and disappeared in the sea of moving bodies. A few minutes after her departure, her seat was invaded by a guy I recognised from high school, but whose name eluded me.

“It’s my first time seeing you here,” he slurred. His eyes were blood-shot, and his face looked weighed down like he had been drinking for hours.

“Yeah, it’s my first time,” I yelled.

“Yeah,” he hiccupped. “We should get out of here so we could talk and catch up, you know?”

“Maybe later. We’ve only just got here.” He responded, but I couldn’t hear what he said. When I leaned in, the stench of beer from his mouth attacked my nose and I instantly recoiled. I smiled and nodded as though I had heard. He continued to speak, hardly audible over the music, and I pretended to listen.

Out of nowhere, a hand landed on my waist and I jumped up in surprise. When I turned my head, I came face to face with Shaun. I sucked in a sharp breath as his dark brown eyes pierced mine.

His full lips stretched into that dimpled smile that had haunted my daydreams for the last few days. Then, he looked past me, stretched his hand, and waved to get Maya’s attention.

“We have a better table outside,” he yelled. “Come join us.”

How he ever saw us, I never knew because to get to the outside area was like trudging through a thick jungle. Shaun kept his hand on the small of my back as he steered me through the gyrating bodies. I clutched my large drink to my chest, careful not to spill until we burst out into the smoke-filled air.

“Maya,” a tall, dark-skinned guy yelled from one of the dozen picnic tables.

“Ty!” screamed Maya as she ran over to him. She jumped into his arms and he spun her around.

“Oh, my God! You’re also here,” exclaimed Maya.

“When Shaun said he saw you, I had to check it out myself,” Ty drawled.

We placed our drinks on the table and settled in the cool wooden benches. The air had turned much cooler, and I secretly wished I could keep the jacket.

“This is Captain, my captain,” said Ty, pointing to a short, pudgy guy in a purple snapback cap. “And this is Stevie Wonder,” he said, pointing to a dark-skinned guy in a red jacket.”

“This is Megan,” said Maya. I waved shyly and focused back on my drink. “And this is Soya. Our other friend is inside.”

“Who’s this?” asked Shaun.

We all turned toward the guy whose name I couldn’t remember. He stood next to me, one hand in his pocket, the other clutching a beer. His eyes were unfocused as he swayed back and forth.

“That’s Megan’s sloppy ass friend. We don’t know him,” said Soya.

I wanted to crawl under the table and hide. “I don’t…” I started my explanation, shaking my head. I didn’t know what I wanted to say. I don’t know him that well. I don’t know his name. I don’t know why he followed me. I just plain don’t.

To my relief, everyone stopped staring at my drunk tail and the conversation moved on swiftly around the table.

“Friend, Ty and I are going to get more drinks. I’ll get this round; you get the next,” said Maya already pulling Ty towards the entrance.

Shaun nudged Soya, asking him to scoot up so he could sit next to me. Heat radiated from where his thigh touched mine. My heartbeat tripled speed in my throat from his mere closeness. I tried to focus on the conversation at the table, but my mind was glued to Shaun and the contact I hadn’t even conjured in my fantasies.

“I’m… I’m getting another beer. You want a drink?” slurred my drunk companion. He leaned down and exhaled a bitter breath like he was starting to rot from the inside.

“No, I’m fine thanks,” I said, trying to hold my breath. “Who are you here with?”

“My…my…my buddy is inside,” he hiccupped.

“Cool. I’m sure he’s missing your company,” I said. Get the hint, get the hint, I chanted in my head.

“No, no,” he laughed, the sound coming out weak, like his stomach muscles had given in. “He doesn’t mind. We can go anytime. Do you want to go now?”

“Oh, no…” I started, but Shaun cut me off.

“So, Megan. Where do you stay?” asked Shaun.

“Uhm. I stay off-campus,” I blushed, looking at his gorgeous face, trying to figure out what it was about him that gave me goose bumps. I had only reacted like this to my high school boyfriend after an entire year of dating. I wasn’t the type to fall easily, but when Shaun smiled, I got the strange sensation to lean over and kiss his dimples. The mystery clawed the back of my mind as I gazed into his eyes.

Maya and Ty came back with more drinks. She passed me an oversized bottle of spirit cooler and I grabbed it enthusiastically before I realized what I had to do. I looked over at Soya. “Friend, please open this for me,” I asked.

“What? Why can’t you?” he asked. I stared at him, willing him to read my mind. Soya looked from me to Shaun, then back again. His confused expression slipped off and he tilted his head back and laughed.

“Ooh, shit! Alright. I got you, girl. Give it here,” he said. He grabbed the bottle and peeled the cap with his teeth, then slid it back over to me.

“So, how do you get to campus?” asked Shaun.

“Are we going?” slurred my wasted companion. I turned to his melting face. He leaned forward, swaying as though he was going to fall face-first onto the table.

“Do you take the train? I know a lot of students do,” said Shaun, pulling my attention back to him.

“Uh, yeah, I do,” I said.

“It’s really not safe. You should consider moving to one of the student houses or something so you can be closer.”

Closer to you, I thought. “No. I live at home, so I don’t have to pay rent.”

“Oh, so you’re a local. Your accent doesn’t sound like it,” said Shaun. He scrunched his eyebrows and pursed his lips. My eyes lowered to the perfect pucker and I leaned in a little closer, completely mesmerized. Are they soft? The question drifted through my mind. I opened my mouth to respond, but before I could get the words out, everyone around our table shouted and started clapping loudly. I looked around at their laughing faces, all facing me.

“What?” I asked. I turned to Shaun and he was laughing with the rest of them.

“He’s gone,” laughed Soya.

“Who’s gone?” I asked. I looked over my shoulder, thinking that perhaps they were looking past me and not actually at me. That’s when I saw my drunk friend dragging his feet back into the pub. Seeing everyone applaud his departure so triumphantly made me feel a little bad for him.

When I turned back to the table, they were all engaged in conversation once more. Shaun leaned in and whispered, “He didn’t stand a chance. "

CHAPTER 4

We left the pub around 1 am. Although I was annoyed that I hadn’t gotten my cardigan, I was grateful for the jacket and Maya was grateful for the scarf. I zipped the jacket closed and tucked my hands in the pockets as we exit the pub, taking the short distance to Captain’s car. Linda had decided to remain behind, so the seven of us squeezed into the Kia Picanto for the short drive back to campus. When we spilt out of the car, we headed for Shaun’s dorm room to collect the merchandise for the early morning’s activities.

We stepped into the tiny room and waited as he scratched between his books. He produced three small bags of weed and passed them to Ty, who pocketed them and led the way out. As we stepped out of the building, Shaun pulled me aside.

“I forgot my student card and I’ll need it to sign back in,” he said.

“Okay. Do you want me to tell everyone you’re coming?” I asked.

“No. Come with me to get it.”

It didn’t sound like a two-man task, but my head was spinning from the alcohol and the overload of his presence, so I agreed and followed him back through the mahogany doors, up the flight of steps, and down the hall to his room.

He shut the door when we walked in and I stood to the side, waiting.

“Have a seat.” He gestured to the bed.

I hated sitting on people’s beds. It felt like an intimate space where my butt just didn’t belong. Reluctantly, I settled on the single bed and watched as he scratched around the room. After a few seconds, he stopped and turned to me.

“I have a confession to make,” he said. “I have my student card.” He swaggered over and sat on the bed next to me.

“Oh. Let’s go,” I said, moving towards the door. Shaun grabbed my hand and pulled me back to him. Then he grabbed my narrow hips and lowered me on to his lap. I looked down at his handsome face only a few inches away from mine.

“Just hold on a minute,” said Shaun. His eyes roamed my face as he smoothed the back of his hand down my cheek. “I wanted to get you alone.” My heart began to thunder against my ribs, and my hands shook a little. “Is that okay?” he whispered.

I nodded imperceptibly. Oh, my God.

“You seem nervous,” he said.

“That’s because I am,” I blushed. Has he seen his face? Surely, he had to know how he affected me.

“You don’t have to be. I’ve been watching you all night and I really like you, Megan.”

The butterflies in my stomach threw a wild party, my brain screamed its exhilaration, and I bit my bottom lip to stop the smile from splitting my face in two.

Shaun looked at me with unabashed lust. Wasting no time at all, he pulled me in and kissed me senseless. His beer flavoured lips were softer and sweeter than I had imagined. When the velvety smoothness of his tongue stroked mine, a small moan rose from my throat. I laced my hands at the back of his head and drew him closer, needing more. My head swam with lust, beer and the aroma of his cologne that blanketed the room.

Lips locked together, Shaun zipped down my jacket and peeled it off. Next, he reached for the hem of my t-shirt and it was like a record had scratched. I flew off his lap like it was on fire.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, looking up at me confused.

“Uhm,” I blanched. Now that I was there, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get naked in front of him. All the voices of insecurity that had shadowed me since I hit puberty burst forth at the same time, pointing all my imperfections. My tummy, my thighs, my boob sweat. I shuffled back and forth, eyeing the door with equal longing and dread. “I’ve just never done this before,” I whispered.

“What do you mean?” asked Shaun. He rose and stood tall in front of me. Then he grabbed my hips and pulled me to him.

“I mean I’ve never…” I gestured between the two of us. Suddenly, saying the words, ‘had sex’ felt like a doorway to vulnerability and I didn’t know Shaun well enough to go through it with him. I should’ve done this in high school, I thought as I averted my eyes.

Shaun grabbed my chin gently and forced me to look at him. “Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle,” he said, then lowered his head and sealed his promise with a kiss.

He slipped his hands underneath my shirt, his touch searing my skin as he seductively slid my shirt up and over my head. My body felt hot, and my exposed chest heaved like I had run a marathon. Shaun kissed me once again, his lips gentle, caressing, calming. I was helpless against them. In my surrender, I pushed onto my toes and threw my arms around his neck. Shaun’s grip tightened. His hands roughly clawed down my back and grabbed my ass, pulling me flush against him so I could feel the bulge in his pants. Then, he spun me around and pushed me against the bed.

Instantly, I sucked in a breath and pushed out my chest to hide my fat rolls. Only one guy had ever seen me topless and it had taken over a year for us to get there.

With one hand, Shaun pulled his hoodie off, taking his t-shirt with it. Mouth hanging open, my eyes traced the v-line disappearing into his jeans. He’s so out of my league, I thought. I needed to pinch myself because none of it felt real. Not until Shaun lowered himself over me. He followed as I shuffled backwards, laying my head on the pillow.

Shaun lost his calm. His lips were demanding, taking what they wanted from me, and I was all too thrilled to give it all. He ground his hips into me, the course material of my jeans pressing deliciously on my centre. He pulled down my bra and buried his face between my breasts, but I no longer cared about the sweat. Sensations I’d never felt before ran up and down my body and I resolved to get lost in them for as long as they lasted.

He popped my button and pulled down the zipper. I raised my hips as he tugged my jeans off. In less than a minute, he was back on me, kissing, grinding, stroking. His hand lowered and slipped between my thighs, and I froze.

“It’s okay,” he whispered reassuringly. His fingers worked at my centre. I closed my eyes as I melted back onto the mattress, his lips following me down the slope of ecstasy. Wanton, I helped him slip my panties off and I kicked them from my ankles. My body burned with need. When Shaun backed away to take off his jeans, I felt disoriented. I missed his weight on top of me, but mostly, I wanted to cover up. The harsh lighting in the room exposed everything. I sat up on the bed and folded my arms over my breasts. Insecurity clawed back up my throat and I itched to grab the blankets.

Shaun pulled off his boxer briefs and his penis sprang out. My eyes bugged out and I shrank back in the bed. Oh, My God, I screamed in my head. I didn’t know where to look. My gaze darted around the room, occasionally bouncing back to his lower half as Shaun leisurely rummaged through his bedside table for a condom.

He rolled the rubber on and stood proudly in front of me. Look into his eyes, just focus on his face. When he saw my discomfort, Shaun released a sexy chuckle.

“I’m glad you think this is funny,” I said.

“You’re cute,” Shaun smirked. “I told you there’s no need to be nervous. I’ll take care of you.” He crawled back over me and kissed me gently as he laid me back on the bed. He settled between my legs and looked down at me.

“You good?” he asked.

Heart thumping in my throat, I released a shaky breath. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

He entered me slowly, the foreign sensation making me tense.

“Baby, relax,” he whispered and kissed me again.

He went in a little further, and I clawed his back. Just breathe, Megan. Just breathe, I chanted. Shaun pulled back a little, then he dove in and stopped. A searing pain radiated from my vagina. I closed my eyes and held him tighter against me.

Shaun kissed my temple, my eyelid, my nose, and my lips. “Are you okay?” he asked.

Slowly, I began to relax, the pain ebbing away, bringing forth a feeling of fullness.

“Uhm. Yeah. I think so,” I whispered.

“Okay, baby, because I need to move.”

CHAPTER 5

I felt dazed. I had finally done it. I had fulfilled my one resolution for the year, and I was glad for it. After my high school boyfriend and I had broken up, I had told myself that I didn’t want an attachment with the guy I finally lost my virginity to. Getting over Brian had been hard enough, and I had been glad we hadn’t gone all the way. However, now that it was done, and under the conditions I had said I wanted, I didn’t know how to feel about it. Being a normal college student didn’t feel as liberating as I had imagined.

Shaun rattled on as we made our way from his dorm room to Ty’s room, but I didn’t register any of it. His great mood almost felt like abandonment. How could he be so happy when I felt conflicted?

What does this mean? Are we in a relationship? Do I even want a relationship? Does he even really like me, or did he just want sex? Am I okay with a one-night stand?

As we walked through the quiet buildings, my arms hugged tightly against my chest, the only clear thought floating through my mind was, “I want to go home.”

I could hardly see anything in Ty’s room through the thick fog of weed smoke. The lights were turned off with only the laptop casting a gloomy light in the room. I could faintly make out Soya’s body passed out on the floor in the corner. Maya and Ty were seated on the bed, chatting in low voices, a blunt passed between them. Steve was nowhere to be seen and Captain busied himself with the music on the laptop, his cap still firmly placed on his head.

Shaun hurled past me and went straight for the blunt, snatching it from Ty’s hand.

“Oh, friend. Are you ready to go or do you want to chill for a bit?” asked Maya. I wanted to jump up and kiss her. “No, we can go,” I said.

Maya rolled off the bed and headed straight for Soya, shaking him awake.

“Don’t you want some?” asked Ty. He exhaled a substantial amount of smoke and passed the blunt to Captain.

“No. I’m good,” I shook my head.

“Alright, we’ll walk you guys to your room,” said Ty.

“Can’t we just stay and finish this blunt at least?” said Shaun. I watched as he sucked the blunt between his lips with more passion than he’s shown after he came, and a little irritation bubbled up inside me.

“No way, honey. I need my bed,” yawned Soya. His eyes were bloodshot, and his fringe stuck to his forehead. He wiped his eyes, smudging his eyeliner, and tasted his tongue. It was definitely time to go.

We filed out of the room, into the stale but clean air of the hallway, and made our way through the quiet buildings. I envied the people inside and I walked with quick steps, chasing what they already had. Sleep. If I were sleeping, I wouldn’t be contemplating my feelings.

Everyone hugged goodbye at the door to Mya’s dorm. Shaun pulled me aside before I stepped inside. “So, tonight was great,” he said.

“Yeah.”

“So, you can take my number if you want to,” said Shaun.

“If I want to?”

“Yeah. Or, you know, I’ll see you around campus,” he shrugged. My irritation with him went from bubbling to boiling. I couldn’t tell if he was interested in staying connected or if he was just saying the words to be polite. I had pondered on it and decided that I didn’t want to be hung up over the guy who popped my cherry. He was a calculated decision. I didn’t need his pity contact.

“I’ll see you around,” I said. I rolled my eyes and stormed into the building.

CHAPTER 6

Maya couldn’t stop talking about Saturday night. “We should go back when it’s not so full, like on a Thursday or something,” she said as we made our way from the Health Sciences faculty building to the student centre.

We entered the noisy hall, the jarring sound of domino’s slapping on tables and raucous laughter filling the brightly lit space. We strolled past the burger joint and walked down the steps in search of a table.

“Ooh, there’s your man,” said Maya.

“Who?”

“Shaun,” she said.

“He’s not my man. I see a table down there,” I pointed.

“Come on, let’s go say hi,” said Maya. She bounded for the table where Shaun and Ty were seated, leaving me standing, staring after her. Monday was too soon for me to see Shaun again. Reluctantly, I followed.

By the time I reached the table, she was already seated next to Ty, talking excitedly. Shaun smiled brightly when I approached. My stomach flipped at the sight of his dimples and the irritation I thought I had overcome flooded back.

“Hey, guys,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Megan, how’s it going?” drawled Ty.

“All good. How are you guys?”

“Amazing,” said Ty.

“Good, good,” said Shaun. He scooted up the bench, so I could sit.

“Thanks,” I smiled as politely as I could manage. I set my bag on the table and slid in next to Shaun.

“Friend, Ty was just telling me about a party in Durbanville next week,” said Maya excitedly. “What do you think? I think you should just come over to my place on Friday.”

“Great. We can all do something Friday night,” said Ty. They both looked at me expectantly. It sounded like a horrible idea.

As I conjured up an excuse in my head, Shaun grabbed my hand from my lap and laced our fingers together.

“You should come,” he said. He leaned in and kissed the spot below my ear. My stomach dropped and my face heated. I stared at our linked hands and Shaun squeezed my hand. “What do you say, babe?” he asked.

At the sound of the endearment, I looked up at him. His brown eyes pierced mine pleadingly. My heart squeezed and I felt the irritation melt away. I couldn’t remember what I had been bent over about.

“Sounds like fun,” I smiled.

THE END