Love is not real. Something our brains conjure with a mixture of chemicals. I’m not sure I’ve even felt this particular mixture of chemicals, and I have felt a lot of different things. I’ve felt attachment, heartbreak, happiness and all those terrifying things that happen in the pit of your stomach when you get too close to someone. But in my head, I think around it. My thoughts are independent from my feelings, and this makes the truth so plain to me. No matter what I wanted to feel, I always saw the ending. So I chose never to really accept a feeling as love, no matter how close it was. Whatever those chemicals in my brain did, it could never be love.
I surprise myself by choosing not to give up, despite having no success. I like the feeling of a flimsy connection with a man, all the fun times we have, the sex, and pretending that I don’t know we will never stay together. I got over the sadness of wondering if today was the last time I would ever see the guy I was with and choose to live in the moment. Rather than be alone, or feel guilty being with someone I don’t want, I find myself in relationships where neither of us will ever love. No, I don’t date jerks, or sleep around with guys who disrespect me. I end up with very honest men, who treat me like a girlfriend but won’t dare trust me. People somewhat like me, who see the end and choose to enjoy the happy feelings of being with someone in a meaningless way. Aren’t we just all waiting for the right person, who may or may not ever come?
My view on relationships, at first, seemed logically flawless. Every relationship a person has will be a bad one, and every person you ever meet will be the wrong one, until you find the right one. Just like when you lose something, you do not stop searching until you find it. And it will always be in the last place you look. When I try to give a friend advice, I try explain this to them. I hope that it will give them a bit of hope and make sense of a cruel system. No one is ever comforted by this explanation. They just want to find that person right away, and not have to waste time on all those people who aren’t quite right for them. I never thought that I’d be at a point where I can’t even comfort myself.
Rather than being broken-hearted, or hurt by a bad relationship, my sadness comes from being unable to feel this way. It’s like I’ve been thrown into space, drifting with no direction and no meaning whatsoever. Never being really hurt means I have never really loved anyone. And this makes me wonder what love really means, if it means anything at all. There are people in the world that will never be with anyone, and maybe that will be me. It’s unlikely, but it’s possible too. After all, no one thinks they will get cancer, but it happens to millions with no discrimination.
So even a moderately attractive person like me, who people love to be around, could be that lady with a lot of cats. Unfortunately, I never planned for this (aside from the cats). I don’t know what I will do if I end up the way I always do, like right now, alone and in my room. Trying half-heartedly to find a job. Someday I will be older, and lazier, and have even less enthusiasm. Guys always want someone lively, ambitious and independent, and those qualities I tend to stray from when I’m on my own too much.
Rather than be too cynical about it, I try to remember there is a good chance I will find someone I love, who loves me back. But just like how I don’t believe in ghosts or UFO’s, I don’t believe in love, because I have never seen it. Invisible things are not real to me. So as of now, I’m making a back-up plan, for if I never find a person right for me. Planning something I can do that won’t leave me miserable when I’m old, so that I still feel like my life has still made a difference in the world. I don’t want to be that lady who gets fat and stops caring about life. Wish me luck.
© Copyright 2016 Niahc. All rights reserved.
Essay / True Confessions
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