The Time I Batmanned at Harry Potter, and other asides

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A non-fiction piece I wrote for class, again.

It's sort of weird, because, I mean, it isn't set up like a story really. It's kinda goofy. I think it might actually be funny. Who knows?

Submitted: January 02, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: January 02, 2012




*Names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved...except for me. I'm still the same. So.


My friends always lambasted me for liking the Harry Potter movies. Why? Oh, right. I stopped reading half-way through Goblet of Fire because my ten or eleven or twelve-year-old attention span was shorter than some Slutty McSlut's dress. But yeah, I like the movies. What of it? They're actually well crafted, well acted pieces of cinema. Granted the sixth one, despite not having read the book, was pretty bad. I could tell. I mean, they kind of just sprung that whole Half-Blood Prince nonsense on us at the last minute, and it was suppose to be this cool, bad-ass revelation, but it was more or less just some stupid, throwaway plot device that nobody gave a shit about after the movie was over.

I have a bigger obsession than Harry Potter and his magical magic, though. There is a man who has accomplished feats that would make Ron Weasly cream his pants. There is a man who, through a combination of endless resources and a brilliant mind, has brought the end to multiple criminal empires, stopped dastardly deeds filled with death and destruction, and managed to keep his identity a secret. No, it's not some stupid spy or beefed up beefcake with a machine gun. No, it's someone totally, one-hundred percent more badass than anybody ever born or drawn or portrayed. Ever.

It's the goddamn Batman.

Now I know what you're thinking: “But Harry Potter is magical and Batman is just a man! How can a man beat a wizard?” Well, since you asked...

How Batman is Better than Wizards

A Story within a Story by Josh Heath

  1. He's a normal, flesh-and-blood MAN.

Okay, so, Batman, right? Look at the guy. Unlike Harry, who has protection spells and horcruxes and other stupid magic things like that, Batman actually gets hurt. He's a real man, and thus is hundreds of times more relatable and stuff than Harry, who is just another “chosen one” character that we all know and hate/love. Batman gets his back broken over the course of the comic book series. Yeah. He has to deal with some real shit. Harry can just move his wand and have pretty much everything work out. Or well. I mean. If hes hungry he can make food or water or whatever. Batman, on the other hand, has to walk all the way over to the microwave and make his new packet of bagel bites, or whatever.

  1. Gadgets > Wands

What would you rather have: a grappling hook, smoke bombs, and batarangs? Or a lame piece of wood? Yeah, that's what I thought. And that's not even all the stuff Batman has at his disposal. His vehicles? The goddamn Batmobile, Batboat, Batjet, Batpod. Or he could just glide all over the place with his grapnel and cape. Harry? He's gotta ride a wimpy little broomstick like some 18th century hag-looking witch. Granted, Ron's flying car was pretty nifty, but Batman could simply shoot his electro-magnetic gun at it and stun it and go and beat the hell outta those teenagers. Done and done.

  1. Bruce Wayne is a BILLIONAIRE

Bruce Wayne has more money than many small countries. Not thousands, not millions, but BILLIONS. You know what you can do with billions of dollars, Harry? Oh, you have no idea? Yeah it's because you're poor, and if Occupy Wall Street has taught us anything, it's that being poor is bad. Right? Is that the meaning of the Occupy movement? I wouldn't know, I've been too busy geeking over Batman. But anyway, I digress. Batman has all the shit ever. All of it. He's got a baller mansion, a baller batcave, a ball-- okay, sorry, I'm trying to sound street. I'm doing pretty good, huh? Again, sorry. He's a playboy billionaire by day, then at night he's the caped crusader, all bad-ass and everything. Besides, being a billionaire, Batman gets a few cool points just for that fact. Right?

So, overall, as you can clearly tell, Batman is totally better than the wizards. I mean magic may be able to combat brute skill and force, but, hey, magic isn't real now is it? Haha.

But hey, wasn't the point of this “story” to, y'know, actually tell a story? I geuss so. I just thought I'd throw in something non-convential to win over that certain niche audience that likes asides and lists and nerdy stuff. As in myself. Sad, huh? Maybe. So, yeah, I'll stop being awkward now and talk about how I was awkward and hillarious somewhere else. Also, sorry for being egotistical, but this is a non-fiction piece about myself. I think that's the point.


How I Dressed Up as Batman to go see Harry Potter 7: Part 2

the actual story of the story by Josh Heath

Weeks before the release of Deathly Hallows 2, information about The Dark Knight Rises, the sequel to the highly-successful The Dark Knight, came out. Naturally since I'm such a huge Batman fan and I absolutely adored The Dark Knight, I read up as quickly as I could. I read that for the 2D showings of Harry Potter, Warner Brothers was gonna put the teaser trailer for The Dark Knight Rises before the movie. As soon as I read that, I recall squealing with glee and running around the frat house yelling at the top of my lungs, just gushing about it. My pal Derrick had to come calm me down with a nice dose of weed, but that's neither here nor there. I knew only one thing at that point: I had to get to Harry Potter as soon as I could.

I didn't know how, though. The pre-order sales for the movie tickets were already pretty much sold out, and I had to work that night anyway until three in the morning. The life of a cook is a long, thankless one, but I'll gladly sling those greasy burgers and flip those pancakes at all hours of the day. Well, maybe not gladly. Drunk patrons piss me off, also they're picky as hell, which doesn't help whatsoever. I needed an escape plan for the night.

I couldn't exactly just call in, though. My work only puts one cook on per shift, unless it's known its going to be an extra busy shift. Mine was just another typical Thursday night during the summer, so I'd have a handful of drunk college kids and/or other drunk adults coming in for nachos. I know that's exactly what happened, because the guy I got to split my shift with me was nice enough to bitch about it and make me feel guilty about what went on that night. I don't even know how I got him to cover me.

Actually, it went something like this:


SCENE: JOSH needs to find someone to cover his shift, and is slightly desperate.

[JOSH picks up his CELL PHONE, calls coworker...lets call him STEVE]

[annoyed] STEVE: Hello?

[as polite-sounding as possible] JOSH: Oh, uh, hey Steve. Hey, sorry to bother you but I was wondering if you might be able to split my shift on Thursday bec--

STEVE: God, seriously? I've already covered someone's shift this week. I really don't want to.

[slight pause]

[meek, desperate sounding] JOSH: Aw, shucks. Well, it would only be for four hours, and I mean, it would totally mean a lot to me, Steve. I really need this, please.

[slight pause.]

[STEVE mumbles inaudibly]

STEVE: Okay, fine. Just this once. I'll see you at...when?

[happily] JOSH: Eleven!

STEVE: Let the boss know. See you then.

[STEVE hangs up, as does JOSH]




So, did you like how I totally turned my life into a script? I wouldn't mind writing those some day. I just gotta learn how, since the above is totally put together wrong, but uh, I think you got the gist of it. At least I would hope so. I mean, it's not that hard to figure out. Right?

Anyway, so, I got someone to cover my shift. Cool. I was happy. It gave me something to look forward to, and you always need something to look forward to. That seems to make life feel better, not to mention go a little faster, if that's your thing. I certainly wouldn't mind not being a teenager any more. It seems like people are gonna start taking me more seriously.


OH, wait. Pause the story.


This is just me thinking out loud but won't me being older and people taking me seriously ruin who I am? I'm that goofy kid who, well, dresses up as Batman on occasions that don't exactly merit it. I'm the weirdo who never takes anything seriously. Homework? I always ask how I can make it funny. Teachers? I mock them mercilessly, and only listen once they have my skewed interpretation of respect. We're told that we're to respect those who are successful and professional. But why go through life like that? So sterile, cold, calculating. It's no fun. And since I don't exactly believe there's anything after death, you've only got one life to live. Why not make it fun for you and those around you? A lot of the jokes I make, especially in public, aren't for my gratification or because I'm some attention whore. I just want to make people smile and giggle and happy, since there are so few opportunities in the future for such an emotion to rear its not-oft-seen head. I still have a lot of growing up to do, and I need to start facing that fact. I keep getting downgraded on papers and speeches because I'm not professional enough. I should start acting older, start acting “better” to some, but for now, I really like to be silly and not to worry too much. I've got my whole life to worry. But soon enough, I'll leave behind these childish things. But for now I feel like being fucking funny, and it's totally worth it.

Oh, right, let's resume!


I still had a serious problem, though. I got off work, cool. But how can I go see the movie if I don't have tickets for it? There in lies the problem. I can't exactly sneak in, since it's OMG ITS HARRY POTTER SQUEEEEE I LOVE HIM HES SO COOL LETS GO SEE HIS MOVIE OPENING NIGHT OMGOMGOMG ahem. I had a plan to see if anybody in the theater was scalping their tickets, and I'm sure that if I had actually gone with that plan, I might've found me some tickets for twenty bucks, maybe more. I don't actually know how scalping midnight premier movie tickets works, since it seems kind of stupid and not as profitable as sporting event tickets, but I mean. People will do anything for money these days. Or movie tickets. That's when I decided to do something I swore I would never do.

I swallowed big, got on my knees, opened my mouth and...

Asked my best friend's shittier than shit, bloodsucking leech of a girlfriend who is not only ruining his friendship with the group (the Manclan, our tight-knit group of boys from high school), but is draining him dry of all of his money, for one of her spare tickets. . I absolutely, with out a doubt in my mind, hate the living shit out of her. So bad. As does the rest of the Manclan. On New Years eve, later on, we actually got my bestie to break up with her, only for him to cave and go running back to her. But why would he do such actions?

First Fuck Syndrome (FFS): Any time a male, generally a nerd or other such sub-genre of person, has sex for the first time with a girl, he instantaneously falls head-over-heels in love with her, and as long as he is getting sex, he will ignore many of the blatantly obvious red flags that pop up over the course of the “relationship.”

Red flags for my bestie? She was obviously cheating on him with some guy. Why was it so obvious? Well, she was a huge slut, first of all. He was her ex. There were horribly suspicious text messages. Oh, right, AND SEXY PICTURES. Yeah. Fucking, I mean. After a while, I stopped caring, because my bestie was so far gone that he would rarely listen to reason. I could hang out with him when she was busy, or something, otherwise he'd drag her along and substantially lessen the fun. But anyway...

She had four tickets, since her sister and sister's date canceled or something. They had two 2D and two 3D. I explained my plight, about the Batman thing, to her and begged for one of the 2D ones. Instead, she said she would give me both 3D tickets for the price of one. Begrudgingly, I accepted and got two tickets. So that's another problem solved, but another created.

I needed someone else to tag along.

That should've been an easy enough task, huh? I had friends during summer that certainly would have just adored going to Harry Potter at midnight. Too bad I had those friends, because they all already had plans. Damn them, not inviting me or whatever. Oh, right, because they thought I worked. Oh well. But anyway, I needed to find someone who wanted to go with me, and all of my core friends already had plans or firmly did not want to go. So I put an open Facebook invitation out, since those seem to do well generally.

I had only one reply:

Dick Midrick likes your status”

Dick wasn't too bad of a guy, but he was two years ahead of me. We were sudo-friends in high school, since we both did drama and played video games and were general nerds. Since high school though, he had become a huge stoner, and as we all know, pot is the worst drug you could possibly do. It ruins your life, you become poor, stupid, and everyone hates you.

Oh wait, I became a stoner after high school too!

So yeah, me and Dick hit it off actually and we hung out a bit even before the movie, and we totally didn't do anything illegal or anything. During one of our hang outs, though, I got this really amazing idea. We were talking about Batman, as we were often prone to do. Theorizing about the new movie, talking about the old movies, games, childhood memories. Stuff like that. We got on the topic of Halloween, and I remembered that I had hand-made a Batman costume. It was pretty sweet. Wanna hear about it?

HEADGEAR: I found a black hat, cut two slits in the top, cut out eyeholes, and cut out the goatee area of the face, so you could see my mouth and stuff, like the normal Batman.

TORSO: I put on a black long-sleeved shirt, flipped it inside-out since it had a logo on it, taped the typical black-and-yellow insignia right smack-dab center of my chest, and put on a Dracula cape, since it's the only kind of cape I had.

ARMS: My friends bought me these bad-ass, totally legit gauntlets to put on. They make the costume so much better.

LEGS: Black windbreakers with a hole in the gooch area.

SHOES: Who gives a shit about shoes?

Just picture that, combined with my uncanny imitative techniques, and you've got yourself one raggedy looking Overweight BatTeen. Just imagine the fear those criminals would feel yelling “Overweight BatTeen!” It sends shudders down my spine.

But back to the point. After coming to this realization, I thought it would be hil-fucking-arious if I were to dress up as Batman and go to Harry Potter. All the little dweebs would be dressed as their favorite wizard, teacher, or creature from the series. I would break the mold. I would be bold. I would be gold. Like the rhymes? But yeah, I knew I'd be a hit if I did that. Just dressing up for a trailer? Only the most sordid of nerds would do such a thing.

And boy golly did I!

The night of the movie came, I left work early, came home, and told Dick to come over. I changed into my costume, and thought what's a better way to see a movie then really, abnormally baked? So me and Dick smoked some herbal supplements, and that was all well and good, but then Dick surprised me with a super-special brownie! He made two just for the night, and I giggled with glee as I ate it as we drove into the theater. Edibles usually take an hour or so to kick in, so I ate it just in time.

We get to the theater, pretty high, and the line is out the door, around the corner, and spilling into the parking lot. After parking multiple miles away, I take a step and, boom, I'm in the line. Well, maybe not literally, but it took a while to get into the theater. During that time period, various lines were said to me, like the classic “Why are you dressed as Batman?” Also, things like “Nice costume bro!” and “You look stupid” and “Why are you here?” also “Josh, is that you?” I did bump into a few kids I knew, and they knew only I would be so bold as to dress up as a hero for something totally unrelated.

Once we were inside, and a little higher than before, I needed to solve our last problem: I needed to get into the 2D to see the trailer. I asked around the whole lobby, talking in my Batvoice, seeing if anybody would wanna swap. Everyone either was completely silent, or visibly afraid. I guess High Batman isn't what the audience craves, but I wasn't obnoxiously high. I never am. I can control myself. But alas, my search turned up empty. I was planning with Dick on sneaking in and back out and hopefully not getting kicked out, but then I was approached by our savior.

“Hey, it really looks like you wanna see that Batman trailer,” said the pleasant, fellow-nerd usher. He understood my plight, after watching me drift through the lobby.

“Y-yeah! I do. What gave it away?” I said, and that made the usher chuckle.

“Haha, just a good guess.” He paused and looked around, as if he was about to unleash a huge secret on the world, or tell a dirty joke. “Well, I talked it over with the other guys who are gonna be watching the door. You can go into the 2D showing for the trailers, but then you guys gotta go back to the 3D part. Deal?” He extended his hand.

I shook heartily, and grinned big as me and Dick went to go stand in the wings of the 2D theater to watch the trailer.

There wasn't a seat to spare in the 2D showing. Dick and I weren't the only ones standing, but we were right up front, since that was primo parking. I watched the other trailers without much interest. I don't even remember what they were, but it's not like I really cared anyway. I was only there for Batman. It was the last one shown, and by the end the anticipation was killing me.

Then, the Legendary Pictures logo showed up, and I knew. It was time. I settled in, my eyes open wide, my mouth agape, taking in all the subtle quick cuts and long shots I could. I tried to memorize the lines spoken in the trailer. I tried to make sense out of what I had seen while trying to put it in a context that would give me my idea of what the finished film would entail. Commissioner Gordon bedridden, looking near death, talking to Bruce Wayne as if he know he's Batman. Bane and Batman fighting, Bane quite obviously kicking the shit out of a very-weary looking Bats. Crumbling cities. The Dark Knight Rises.

Triumphantly, since there was no one sitting in the gap between the front, too-close seats and the better, stacked seats, I ran in, my arms high, gauntlets shining proudly. I turned to face the stacked seat audience, opened my mouth, and in the most grainy, Batman-y voice I could muster, I yelled “JUSTICE!”

Everybody in the place burst out laughing, and I retreated to the 3D to enjoy me some Harry Potter as the brownies took hold.

So there it is, the story of the time I went to Harry Potter 7 Part 2 dressed as Batman. Sorry for all of the asides, but I bet you know me pretty well now. You probably think I'm funny, yet sadly egotistical. I just want you to remember when I paused the story. I want people to laugh. I want people to be happy. And making that whole audience laugh? I've never felt as accomplished. I would hope that joke made up for waiting in line, rude people, high concession prices, and other first world problems. Maybe Harry Potter did the job I was trying to do a little better, but hey, can't blame a guy for trying, right? 

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