An Unhappy Time

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a follow-up to my Memory of a Happy Time... you'll see

Submitted: September 02, 2012

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Submitted: September 02, 2012

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I do not want to write this.

I don't really want anyone to read it.

I certainly don't want to talk about it. 

When I separated from my husband, I lost my two dogs.

Lucy. Prudence.

My two babies.

I would give anything to have them back.

I was forced to give them away.

I begged my ex to give me time to find them a home with someone we knew,

He refused.

He wanted me to hurt as I was hurting him.

I feel guilt.

Every day. 

Every. Single. Day.

I cried every single hour of every single day and night for 9 months, at least.

After about a year, I would only cry at night.

Then the crying subsided to only weekends...

But The GUILT.

It was my fault. I chose to leave my husband. If I had stayed at least I would have them.

They were my life.

In my dreams at night, we are together. Me and my girls. 

Only when I was asleep were we together again.

One Sunday night, in May I had a very upsetting conversation with a friend.

It was after this conversation that I realized:

MY MISTAKES WILL ALWAYS FOLLOW ME. ...Getting married, being divorced, abandoning my dogs...These things are my fault.

I wanted to dream about my puppies.

So I had a drink. I had a bottle of sleeping pills too.

You see, I wanted to go to sleep. And I did not want to wake up to my life.

The life where I had made so many bad decisions is not where I wanted to be.

My roommate came home.

It all came out of my system and I went to the emergency room.

I had never considered harming myself, until that night.

That is the beauty of depression, it sneaks in.

I was not just simply grieving, I was depressed. 

It is hard to describe, depression. No one can understand it.

Yes, I wanted to be divorced. I wish I had never gotten married. The guilt and grief I felt over losing my girls made me profoundly sad. 

I forgave myself. It was hard. I FORGIVE MYSELF. I am moving on. 

I am myself most days. 

But the sadness now lingers behind. It is hard to describe the sadness.

I know I am overcoming the sadness because I can feel HOPE.

Six months ago, I could not remember what hope felt like.

I have been waiting for the sadness to pass.

I thought if I never talked about it, it would go away. 

No one would ever know.

I didn't want them to think I would put myself at risk again.

I did not want them to think I was "crazy"

But I realize now that they need to know.

Suffering alone made the suffering last longer.

I do not want to alienate my friends, my family.

I just like to be alone because it is easier.

Inside, the happy snarky Nicole is here. It is just hard to stave off the depression

In public, I use all of my effort trying to be me. The happy me that I want to be.

The depression is leaving me. I am making it go away.

Maybe I will be ME again.


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