No Second date with You

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Dating Horrors

Submitted: December 30, 2011

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Submitted: December 30, 2011

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NO SECOND Date With You!!!

 

 

 

 

By abdul4814 aka Niecy TX

 

 

 

Who the hell doesn't want the “fairytale” story! The home with the white picket fence, the children playing in the yard; friends and family having a great time at our little get together; laughing, joking, singing, while my “Prince” is flipping burgers on the grill. ..

 

So much for that fairytale..

 

What I failed to realize is that you have to kiss a lot of frogs and a few “horny” toads along the way! After giving up on the amphibious, algae eating, bottom dwellers (frogs) I married, I was so disappointed to find out that they would not metamorphosis into prince charming!! all those years wasted! What a shame.

 

I took some time off to figure out who I was, what I wanted for my future, and what would it take to please me. Although, I am not really looking for love; If I should happen to come across that one individual who catches my eye or maybe even my heart I can only be optimistic, open-minded and float where the current takes me.

I am so glad I know how to swim because these past few years I have almost drowned numerous times and I definitely do not want any of my dates throwing me a life jacket much less trying to perform mouth to mouth resuscitation. Go ahead let me die!

After this first date which was more like “a Nightmare on Elm Street” rather than a“fairy tale” I knew I needed help, so I recruited a friend to put her two cents in. I allowed her set me up on some “blind” dates with people she knew. Keep in mind I was hoping she would have a better insight as to what I was doing wrong and assist me in removing the loser magnet I had attached to my forehead.

I realized that her two cents are not of any value whatsoever!!

and have come to the conclusion that since she is single she just wanted to pawn them off on me to keep them from pestering her !!

 

 

Date #1

 

Name: Broke A$$ Waldo

occupation: High School Teacher

Age: 47

Place: Movie

Waldo was actually one of my daughters high school teachers, as well as a mutual friend of hers. We ran into each other at the grocery store and had a casual conversation. He asked a few basic questions: how is my former student ; What have you been doing lately; are you single? Do you still live in the same house? I had no physical attraction to him whatsoever and I assumed he had no attraction to me. Only because he made the following statement: “You know, you have a pretty face, but I think you should lose about 20 lbs then you would be kind of hot”

 

My response: Thanks for your opinion, I guess I can't get any pointers or advice from you on how to make that happen since you look like your about ready to give birth at any given moment...( complete silence for a few seconds)

Not off to a good start. However, I overlooked his statement only because ( I really would like to drop 20 lbs) but YOU DON”T MAKE THAT COMMENT TO SOMEONE YOU HAVEN'T DATED YET!!!!!! What the hell is wrong with these men??

Other than his rude remark he seemed like he was a nice man. He was constantly praising God, made it a point to inform me that he did not consume alcohol, he didn't smoke, he didn't gamble, he didn't curse. Unfortunately being in the military I do most of the above so we had very little in common. Oh what the heck.... we can't judge a book by its cover or can we?

 

One Saturday afternoon ( I was sleeping in ) and I hear the sounds of a helicopter hovering right outside my window! I jump out of bed and look out my window. To my astonishment I see the trees swaying, the leaves are blowing across the yard; It couldn't be! I was thinking to myself did someone charter a helicopter to take me on a ride above the city? I was so excited that I ran to open up my front door. There he stood standing with an ear to ear grin. I look around to find the helicopter but there was none in sight. I could only catch a glimpse of a spray painted (in multi-color) 1979 Impala. Not only was it a hideous sight but it was engulfed in a black stream of smoke that looked as if it was desperately trying to escape from underneath the dented hood.( as would any passenger) Not to mention the oil that was spewing out all over my driveway like Linda Blair's scene from the exorcist.. Lawwwd please not today!!! (I'm thinking in my head)

He insists on taking me to a movie.. I thought of every excuse possible. I was not ready. I hadn't eaten, I was going to do laundry....He said not to worry we will grab something to eat at the movies..you can do laundry tomorrow...After declining his request at least 10 times! And him not giving up..I gave in. I approach his car and notice the passenger door is dangling.. the only reason it was attached to the hinges is because it was tied together with a thick piece of rope. I also notice a brown bag with a big bottle of Malt liquor. I'm confused.. He doesn't drink.. (so he said) This man is a wolf in sheep's clothing. The devil is a liar...

Me: How do I get in??

 

HIM: “ jump in through the window” or come on my side”

 

ME: ''You just told me I needed to lose 20 freakin pounds! and now you expect me to get my big a$$ through your passenger window'????

NOT going to happen!! We will take my car! I am driving!!

 

HIM: ok.. that will save me some gas money.

We get to the movies of course its a $5.00 matinee which is fine until he pulls out his coupons and is arguing with the cashier about using his teacher discount too!! I was so embarrassed! So we finally get in and go to the concession stand. My stomach is growling like a lion who has not eaten in days, and again Mr. Holy Man blurts out: “ HOLY SHIT” look at these fucking prices!!!! I wanted to die.. I don't think he realized he said it out loud..

 

HIM: “you're not that hungry are you”

 

ME: umm no.. I guess not....I can wait.

 

 

He then goes to the counter orders himself a chile dog, nachos, and a large coke..

 

HIM: “ I'm actually kind of hungry so I got myself something”.

 

Me: “actually, I am kind of thirsty”..

 

Him: you can share my drink....

 

Me: No, I think I will have a bottled water.

 

Him: ( walking back with a kiddie cup) Here is a courtesy cup and the water fountain is right by the restrooms.

 

ME: I will be right back. (I went and ordered food and a drink)

 

HIM: oh, you changed your mind??

 

ME: YES!

 

HIM: After the movie can I do a couple of loads of laundry at your house since your doing yours tomorrow???

 

ME: You are freaking kidding Right??

 

HIM: NO. Its in my car..but do you have fabric softener???

 

This was the longest movie I have ever NOT watched in my entire life!!!!

 

AND THATS WHY I WOULD NOT EVER EVER EVER DATE YOU A SECOND TIME!

 

 

 

 

Date #2

 

 

Name: SFC, Belligerent

Occupation: US ARMY Active Duty

Age: 46

 

Place: TGIF

 

I walk into TGIF and there he is....can barely stand up. He yells out in the most unrecognizable speech ever heard to mankind..”ebbry one look, this is my iraqi princhess”

 

(LLLawddd let this be quick)

 

There are 4 empty pitchers of beer and two more arrive as I sit down.

The waitress hands me a menu and before I can open it this idiot slams it down..looks me in the eye and slurs: LOOK! Lets not waste preshus time..(pause) I want you..(pause) you deeezire meeee.. I see it in your eyes..(drinks half a glass of beer) After dinner we will go to my place get freaky, weaky ( chugs other half of beer) but shhhhhhhhhhhh,, ( finger to his mouth) you have to be quiet so you don't wake up my mom .(pause) ...we can talk about marriage later...

 

I burst out laughing sooo hard...I had to excuse myself … I went to the bartender and said you all have served that man sitting over there (pointing to him) wayyyyy to much to drink! Not only is he unable to stand or speak .. He has lost his mind!! DO NOT LET HIM DRINK THOSE PITCHERS OF BEER.. TAKE HIS KEYS AND CALL HIM A CAB home If something happens to him, another individual, or an innocent family you will be held liable. We do not want any lives lost tonight now do we?? She said “NO MA'AM” I said, Good job now that is what I wanted to hear and I left... bye bye Hope you made it home without waking up your mom...

 

AND THAT IS WHY YOU WOULD NOT GET A SECOND DATE.........

 

 

 

Date #3

 

Name: Snoop Dogggg

Occupation: US Army Medic

Age: 43

 

I arrive at the restaurant. He is dressed very nice.. Hands me a rose,

pulls out my chair.. wow what a gentleman..

 

He is a single dad with two children. His hobbies: Breeding Pit Bulls.

 

Me: How old are your children?

 

Him: 10 & 13

 

Me: Do you have any photos?

 

Him: sure I have a lot of photos.

 

He hands me his phone...

 

Me: I only see a dog

 

Him: yes that is my dog Hercules.. Hes a full blooded brindle...

He then goes through about 50 pictures of dogs... and that is maximus,

and that is Spartacus, and that is King Henry, and he is in the lineage of royalty....

and blah blah blah blah... dog after dog, photo after photo.. 30 MINUTES of dogs..dogs....dogs....dogs...

 

me: I was asking if you had pictures of your kids...not your dogs

 

Him : No don't have any of them. When you come to my house then you can see them in person...

 

Him: And this is Julius Cesar he is in the bloodline of the ancient era...

and this is ….....

 

Me: would you excuse me while I go to the restroom.

 

Him: hurry back I have about 100 more photos to show you.

 

Me: (calling my daughter)... Dezi..please call me in 5 minutes and say its an emergency that you need me home..ASAP

 

Dezi: laughing....is it that bad?

 

Me: yes, I don't know how much longer I can look at pictures of his dogs. And he said he has about 100 more.. Please Dezi... I love you

 

Back at the table: My phone rings (yeahhhh)

 

Me: hello, what..omg..ok I will be home as soon as I get there. Give me a few minutes.. (hang up)

 

I am so sorry there has been an emergency and I need to get home right away. Thank you for the drink and appetizer.

 

Him: But you didn't see all the pictures...

 

Me: I am sorry.. your dogs are beautiful.. Good luck

 

Him: Well ..can I call you after I come home from the strip club?

 

Me: NO!

 

AND THAT IS WHY THERE WILL BE NO SECOND DATE!

 

 

 

 

Date #4

 

Name: D.V. D.

Occupation: US Air Force

Age: 48

 

Randolph Air Base

 

It was my birthday weekend so we decided to meet on post and then have dinner. I waited...and waited... and waited... he does finally give me a call to let me know he was running late. Duh.. after waiting for 30 minutes..Hey at least he called right? He got caught up “washing his car” ok.. He pulled up and it was rather shiny.

So I ask him where we are going and he says he already ate dinner. He was hungry. He could have at leas informed me so I wouldnt be starving!  He decides we should sit and get to know more about each other. Goodness gracious how long will this take I am hungry!

So he asks me nothing but begins to talk about his ex wife, their nasty divorce and how she took everything including his favorite DVD collection. He didn't care that she took the kids, the house, the car, the retirement check.. but why did she have to take his DVD collection??

He went on and on about his DVD collection. I thought I saw a tear trickle down his cheek.. so for about 45 minutes I sat and listened about the entire DVD collection.. I might have dozed off for a mintue while he named every single DVD he had. and finally I said.. Look I am sorry about your DVD collection. Do you want me to go by you a couple of DVD's so you can shut the hell up about your DVD's! (I was being sarcastic) his response was “ Really? ok... lets go they have a great selection here at the BX. WTH?  He actually wants me to buy him some dvds. So I went in and bought the poor guy a couple of DVD's.. I said I hope your happy now I have to go..

 

Him: It was a great pleasure! I'm going home to watch these right now!

 

Me: (chunking the deuce)

 

AND THAT IS WHY THERE WILL BE NO SECOND DATE!

 

Date#5

 

Name: Colonel Jim Neighbors

Occupation: US ARMY Colonel

Age 51

 

Place: Olive Garden

 

I must say this man was very impressive. He was so very handsome, very articulate, A real gentlemen.

 

Conversation was great, Dinner was great.. and then the dreaded..

I need to tell you that I do have 7 children.. youngest is 3. I said ok

(Hey Kate has 8..that is great)

And ....I also need to let you know that I moved next door to my ex wife.

I just wanted to make sure I had access to my children.

ok.. thats pretty creepy.

 

Or maybe you are keeping tabs on her

or possibly sneaking over to her house to have slumber parties to add a few more to the family.. who knows.

 

too creepy for me.

 

Sorry...

AND THAT IS WHY THERE WILL BE NO SECOND DATE!

 

After these few dates I pretty much decided it would be best to leave the dating scene for awhile. I would rather not experience anything else like this in the near future...

In fact, I think I am starting to enjoy being single. If a frog should happen to be sitting in my yard.. Back to the pond he goes,, no Kiss from me!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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