Why me? The Fear of Being Me

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
The story shows how in one instance your life can change. I went from being really content and happy to being frightened by what most would deem good fortune.

Submitted: October 10, 2011

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Submitted: October 10, 2011



Why me?  the Fear of being me.

Short Story by Nikki

At twenty-one years old, I was a college student living a relatively normal life. I had my share of friends just like anyone else. One evening, some students were just sitting around having a conversation. We each were telling a little bit about ourselves.  I had grown up in a country atmosphere, and based on the things that I was hearing, had led a pretty sheltered life. One thing that really stood out for me was the number of people who had lost someone really close to them. I remember that the father of one of my best friends in high school had been killed while at work. They came to the school to tell her. I could not possibly have imagined the pain that she must have gone through. It was something that I had never experienced, so I wasn’t really sure how to help her besides being there as a friend.

The conversation ran through my mind for the next several days. I am not exactly sure why. However, one night something came over me. For no apparent reason I got scared. I don’t ever remember being that scared, especially sense I didn’t know why. I could not sleep at night. I remember waking up sweating and shaking really bad. I thought I may have been having bad dreams but I could never remember them. I was getting really upset because I could not figure out what was wrong. But one night it hit me.

I was not upset because anything was wrong. I realized I was scared because nothing was wrong.  I had lived a life that many dream of. My family was not rich, but we were a two car family with a home, food on the table and lots of love. Both of my parents resided in the home raising me along with my four brothers and sisters. This seemed like a foreign concept to a lot of my friends who were surprised when I told them they both of my parents lived in the same home. My grandmothers were both still alive. I never knew my grandfathers or knew very little about them. While we may not have always gotten what we wanted, we always had what we needed. We live in a small town, so almost everyone knew who we were or at least knew we were one of the Scott Children. 

Mortality became a very real entity to me that as day I realized that everyone I knew and loved were still very much a part of my life. I had the ability to see them and talk to them. I could not imagine not having any one of them in my life. I had never experienced that type of personal loss. I realized that losing someone that I loved was the “Fear.” Thus, I began to ask the question “Why me?”

Why had I been spared all of the pain and sorrow that seemed to plague so many of my friend’s?  Was it just luck?  Had I been spared all of that pain for a reason? I found myself becoming paranoid because I was now looking over my shoulder waiting for something bad to happen. I prayed nightly for God to watch over my family to keep them Safe, Healthy and Happy.

I was no longer able to enjoy my life as it was before. For the first time, everything that I considered to be a Blessing in my life, had been reduced to “Luck” in my mind. I began to wonder how long it would be before my luck run out. Unfortunately, it would be sooner than later.

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