Life, I dont know what I'm supposed to be doing.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Life.

Submitted: February 09, 2011

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Submitted: February 09, 2011

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I don’t know what I’m doing. I tend to feel a bit lost, stranded, wounded and in need of a bit of help to just get me back on my feet again. Easier said than done. I mean it’s just a bit of stability really. I’m not the type of girl that will sit there and let people and opportunities pass by. It’s just not me. It’s like something has gotten inside and me and took over. I don’t know who I am any more or who I'm supposed to be. It’s such a hard concept to explain but it has many factors. Fate can have it’s horrible ways of throwing something in front of you, you’ve never really expected. I think people should be open with themselves about what it is they really want in life, what it is they really wan't do. No point in hanging onto false hope right? You could just lose that one thing that was perfect for you. People should be happy about what they have and not what they could have, no point in wishing your life away or thinking what you could of done better because it'll only upset you. Some people have nothing at all, no home, no money, no job and sometimes not even a family. Therefore you should cherish what people you do have and make the most of them and whatever you’ve got. Sometimes you don’t have them in your life as long as you might have hoped for, I certainly didn't. You can strive for success in anything really, aim high and just go for it. But, you have to have it in you to do this. Everyone has willpower, they just either have or don’t have the confidence but they certainly have the ability to show it. Self-esteem levels can be affected by many things. I mean for me, people boost my confidence, they may not seem like they do, cause I can be such a stubborn selfish individual and a and act like they don’t but when someone sits there and says stuff like; “ are you okay? You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met and I want you to remember this every time your doubts get the best of you, and if you ever need me to remind you, I will. Have a lovely day”. It makes you think there is life out there. It’s people like that who are the reason why you should never give up on who you are. In other areas of interest; distance is a factor makes a lot of things happen whether it’s work-related or to do with relationships, making new friends, etc. But it’s whether or not you’re willing or not to take the risk or maybe whether or not you’re willing to let it affect you. Lately, I’ve been letting a lot get to me. I’ve been down, down but definitely not out. I’ve done the maths and worked out that it’s true what they say in a way; that good things come to those who wait. There isn’t much point not trusting someone, not everyone is the same. I mean I overlook this in far too much detail and I always see people as being threats to me and I don’t know why but I do know that someone, someday will make me see sense and see past all this confusion. It’s how the world goes round. It’s easy to disappear in all the travellers. I like that. Everybody going to that one place, home, work, wherever it may be. The place that they want to be, the place that they should be and I know that there’s a place out there for me too and I know I’ll be there someday. On the way though you get pushed aside, marginalised. but if you want something, you won’t let nothing get in your way. It’s what keeps me going. It could be worse, we could be in a lot worse places. I like to sleep but I don’t want people to think I’d rather dream than deal with things. I hate to worry people so I bottle things up and tend to never sleep. It’s really not strange. It’s very normal to me. Healthy sunshine just fixes everything. I let the people who mean the most to me stay the closest. I tend to even keep this very low. I only stay close to a few people, they know exactly who they are, so that’s all that matters. I’m willing to let anyone else in but they have to respect me and realise that some things can change in an instant but me trusting someone, just won’t, it’s going to take time. When you’ve been hurt, used, fucked over, made like you mean nothing so many times, it has the effect on you that you mean absolutely nothing but then again that’s not everyone. I’ve been made to feel special and wanted as well. Everyone loves to feel that way. The feeling where you just want that person who makes all the difference to the reason why you wake up in the morning to the moment you go to sleep to just die there right next to you in your arms possibly. It might sound tragic, it’s really not. It’s like a canvas. I sit there and paint a picture when I look into things, people, life. Music normally helps me create these images, past-times have a funny way of releasing themselves into motion when I’m in a trance. I just sit there and think ‘have no fear, be okay’, it’s like anything you want is possible so why not believe? Everything will be okay, it has to be. After all, you always have your memories to look back on but only you, yourself can erase the mistakes of the past from them. You’ll get to where you want to be one day because it’s not always going be this way, you’ve just gotta be strong and face what ever comes your way. I always think like this. I’ve been sat there lately and I’ve just been dwelling over things. I have a picture from years ago. I like to keep it amongst other things. It’s just me with my pops and some of my favourite doll from when I was 2. The photograph is getting really, really old. It’s getting really yellow but it’s funny cause even though it was a shitty day then, it’s all sunny now. I also find it really hard to let things go. So I’ll just sit there and have a cry over the phone to the person who cheers me up. We can sit there and talk things through and I know that’s why we’ll be okay. I know I’ll sit there one day and thank that person for always being there for me at the times I’ve needed them most. We can be very blind as to who really cares. For me, that’s always been the hardest part and I try. I try really fucking hard. I’d never ever hurt or let down the person I can’t go a day without thinking about. I’m gonna leave it at that and say what makes me happiest; be yourself, never let anyone tell you you’re not good enough and stay true to yourself, through thick and thin. ?. I know the world is hard and cold and can hurt you bad. I also know it doesn't mean to. It's not personal and I know you've gotta try pretty god damn hard not to take it personally. I know that things can change in an instant. They can go from good to bad in a heartbeat. From bad to worse even faster, but they can go the other way too. Things can turn around. It just hasn't happened to me yet, but it will. It's so strange how things work. The things you try & hold on to, they're the first to go and all the things you try to throw away, they stay. Everyone has a place right? The place you want to be, the place they should be and it's sunny and warm. ?


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