I’m 17 years old, I like studying, cats, internet and music. I know you may think that I’m a depressive loser friendless girl who has nothing to lose, yes you’re right!
Sorry I think we had a bad start but I just wanted to say that my whole life, okay my name is Sophie and as I said I’m 17 years old but who cares. I go to high school, I don’t have a lot of friends, and I’m surrounded of fake people who only call you when they need you or when they need you to do their homework. I have no social life, I just live in a fantasy world called internet, I’m in a lot of networks such as Twitter or Tumblr, but never with my real identity because I don’t want people to be ashamed of being my friend or something like that.
My story starts in one day on the ‘95s, when I was actually born, of course I don’t remember anything of my first six years of life but I only know that I’ve been like this since forever. When I was eight I started listening “The Beatles” and I finally understood when people talk about love, yes, I fell in love with a popular boy band, don’t blame me, I mean Paul McCartney is just flawless and Lennon too. Well I started to get dressed like a hipster and looking for people like me on the internet, I found a lot of web pages about them but the people were too old for me so I gave up on having online friends.
In elementary school I remember that I didn’t have a lot of friends, I was the weird girl, just like now, I was too mature to play childish games, I only thought about having good marks and a good behavior, I didn’t wanted to disappoint my mum, wow my mum, what a wonderful and awesome woman, she is the best in the world, seriously.
I was raised by my mum; she is a single mother, my dad died on the war. Is so sad but we can’t change the past. The people that is gone, is because they have already fulfilled their mission in this world; that’s what my mommy says. I’ve learned a lot of lessons in my short life, most of them were taught to me by my mum or by the hits that life gave me.
Talking about hits I have to say that I’ve been through a lot, first my dad’s death, despite the fact I’ve never known him I love, respect and miss him a lot, then my health problems: anxiety, anorexia, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts and I can continue telling you my problems for five consecutive days but I can’t, I just have to continue. The worst of my diseases was/is my depression; doctors couldn’t find the reason of why I’m depressed because I lie and say that I have a lot of friends and typical teenage lies. After the depression, came the anorexia, to be honest I didn’t do it on purpose, I liked my body but I was taking a lot of medications and stuff that I couldn’t eat, then I just never eat again until I woke up in a hospital.
Now I’m so much better, I eat again but the worst thing still with me: the depression. Some days I wish my life wasn’t like this, I mean, sometimes is good to have a friend with you to share important things, to cry, to laugh and do silly stuff, like normal teenagers.
They say that “Nothing is Impossible” but is it possible to change your past? Is it possible to change your future? Is it possible to change your destiny? I don’t think so, I don’t wanna be negative but let’s assume this, we can’t change our past, we can’t change our future or our destiny. You can change your present, I mean, you can do things to progress and have a better life, mental note: I should follow my own advice. If I change something in my life I would totally have friends but here is the question: what is wrong with me? What should I change? I’m pretty, I’m smart, I like common things, I listen good music but people just don’t like me, except my followers on twitter; they are amazing persons, they understand me, always. I don’t know what would I do if I lose my twitter account, I have so many followers and I love everyone, they make my days, they help me to go through the days, they give me advices, we have fun all together, maybe that’s why I don’t have “real” friends, but I love this people, I can’t leave them, we are just like a very big and awesome family, we help each other, we give advices, we try to be together, always.
Well, enough with my perfect virtual life, let’s go to my ugly, boring and useless real life; my high school is big but I’m in senior year so everyone knows me, to be honest I feel important saying that but no, I’m not exactly the popular girl, I’m just the nerd who is listening Taylor Swift, studying and tweeting everyday of her life; it seems sad, isn’t it? Actually is not that bad, I’d rather spend my days singing and reading than trying to be perfect, wearing makeup and high heels the whole damn day. I’m not too girly, I love pink but it doesn’t means that I like girl’s stuff; I use sport clothes, vans, glasses and big, sweaters, I don’t really care how they see me, I like to be this way and as the Lady Gaga song would say “I was born this way”. I won’t change, I’m not ashamed of who I am.
Every day is unpredictable, I don’t know what is going to happen, I mean, is impossible, I know, but I don’t expect anything so is even more interesting; so, what do I do during my surprising days? Well I go to school, I handle all the shit and bully, I tweet, I go home, I literally jump to the bed and snuggle with my teddy bear, yes I’m seventeen and I have a teddy bear and then the best part of the day comes: when I turn on my laptop and I start to watch shows such as Glee, later I will tell you my story with this amazing show; then I enter to tumblr and definitely is one of the best ways to escape the normal boring world
Glee…. How can I describe such amazing TV show? I actually think that glee is a life style; it completely changed my life and made me realize a lot of things. It taught me that I’m worthy, that I have to fight for my dreams and for what I believe. Glee saved my life and I’m so proud. This isn’t just a fictional show, it really helps boys and girls with different problems, I think that sometimes we identify ourselves with a fictional character and that is a way to feel that someone has gone through the same than us and we don’t feel so sad or disappointed.
“Life goes on, it gets so heavy”, yes my life is practically based on Coldplay songs. That phrase reminds me of everything I’ve been through, I know it isn’t very motivational but is the truth; the ugly truth. You know I’m not lying, every single person in this damn world has problems and shit stuff to handle, for example, losing a pencil can be such a big problem to an artist, for me, not having battery in my phone or not having somewhere to write is like lose a part of my life. Everyone has to admit that in some point of their life they asked “Why I’m in this world?” “Why I’m alive?” “What would it be if I was never born?” and those typical questions that we ask to ourselves when it’s raining or when we think about horrible situations. Have you ever thought what would happen if the rain disappears? I have, I know it sounds weird but actually when it rains, is when we ask the most horrible, sad and stupid questions.
Is raining and I was thinking in one person, and no, it isn’t a boy or anyone alive; I’m talking about my dad. When it rains I imagine that is him trying to say me something, a secret message or that he is sad for something I’ve done. Actually I feel that he should be proud of me, I have no idea why is raining today. I have excellent grades, I have a nice behavior and I do good things for people even though they treat me like shit, I swear I try to be nice but sometimes that is too difficult, just too hard so I give up trying to like people.
Dreams. Wow, what a huge word. Maybe dear imaginary reader you think that dreams are stupid, that they aren’t important or that they are just a childish fantasy but no, they aren’t, they are one of the best things in life, yes you read that, they are extremely awesome, but why? I don’t know, maybe because they motivate people to fight for something; for instance, some girls make “motivational boards” with pictures, phrases, draws and all kind of stuff that remind them of what are they fighting for so hard.
Wait, why I’m being so philosophical today? I’m not usually like this, seriously. I’m going to tell you about the best day of my life so I can stop being so depressive and negative. Okay it was January 13rd 2011, that day I travelled to Orlando, Florida, it was actually the best experience of my life because first of all I was going to wake up and be in the city of my dreams and then because it was the first flight of my life, I was too excited, then I just lived a dream for a month when I woke up and the only stuff I did was driving to a Disney Park or to any mall where I can spend a lot of money. Yes, best month ever.
I’m studying in an historical private Nun’s High School, is one of the most difficult schools in my country, I don’t like it, I’d rather study in other place but here is where my dad studied so my mum wanted to continue with the tradition. I have the best grades every year, I carry the Flag and stuff like that but I don’t really care, I mean, I believe In God but sometimes is so difficult. Do you believe in Heaven or Hell? I know is a stupid or weird question buuuuuuuuuuut if you actually have death people in your family is like you start view things with other point of view.
I hate you, I hate me, and I hate life. Yes, that’s how I feel today; I feel like killing people, they’ve got me crazy! I’ve already told you in my first lines that I was surrounded of fake people, well they demonstrated that today, I’m done with people I AM DONE! I feel like crap, I wanna die or at least disappear. This days are perfect to listen Lana Del Rey, The Pretty Reckless and drink a bottle of vodka, by the way, I can’t drink it, I’ve promised I’ve never going to drink vodka again after I tried to kill myself once taking a bunch of pills drinking vodka, so stupid, but well, no regrets.
I really feel like I am Anne Frank writing this like a diary but I don’t know, I find this useless. The only thing I’ve been doing was listening Video Games by Lana Del Rey, cry, throw up (yes, I’m taking a medication that makes me feel sick), tweet; upload stuff on my tumblr and cry, cry, cry.
My lovely friend Lana would say: “Their heavy words can’t bring me down” but is such a lie! Come on, if someone is constantly bullying you and saying stuff like: oh you are horrible, you deserve to die, you are useless, you aren’t worthy, etc. you can’t be laughing all day and being with a big smile while you are literally dying inside, I’m serious, I know we have to stay strong and everything but I just can’t handle it anymore and no, don’t think I’ll kill myself, I’m better than that.
Life is going in such a wrong way, why? It is getting worse every single fucking day! Why me? Why? What have I done? I know I sound like a drama queen but you know what? Is not easy being me, come here and live one fucking day as I live! Go to school and be bullied seven consecutive hours, go to your house, watch yourself in the mirror and feel fat and ugly, go to your bed and cry until you fall asleep and your family don’t even notice you because no one cares; I know it sounds horrible but is my life and no one deserves living like I do, at least not as I live now.
I write between tears, I write, is the only thing I could do, I go to school and write on my phone then paste the text here, I’m on the bathroom and I write, I’m in the bus and I write, I think I’m starting to understand Anne Frank, even though this isn’t a diary, at least that wasn’t the intention. Writing feels like you are getting rid of a super high bag and you can breathe again. Thanks to this I can say I’m so much better, if you have the chance to write just do it, it started like a stupid word useless document and it became into my shelter, you never know what can be helpful when you are totally desperate.
I feel empty, I feel like I’ve cried all my tears and I have nothing to write about. I’m sick and tired of writing about pain and that stuff, is my real life, I know but it makes me sadder read those lines. I was about to delete the sad paragraphs but then I thought it better, why I should delete it? Is my life and I can’t change it, shit happen, stop looking behind and look forward.
I’ve just realized I didn’t talk a lot about my school and the people in it. Okay where should I start? Errmh I hate my school, people in it is just awful, I have only three friends and I think they are the only good persons in my entire school, I am in senior year. I have two “official” bully who are constantly throwing things to my head in class, telling me horrible stuff, locking me in the bathroom, hiding my bag/homework/pencils/papers/etc., calling me to my house saying that they are going to kill me and stuff like that. I got used to it, is annoying but someday they will pay for it, someday.
Today I’m so inspired, I don’t know why; maybe because I haven’t gone to school in a whole week so I haven’t been bullied in days, that means that I’ve been living in my wonderful internet life snuggling in bed with my cat watching glee, listening some sad music and having such a great time on twitter. I don’t know why I love this life if I’m a teenager who has to go out and do “teenager stuff”, people suck, society suck and typos sucks.
Can you all believe this? I’m writing Drunk! Yes as you read, d r u n k, I’m totally messed up, I’m a disaster, I drank a bottle of vodka on my own and a few glasses of Whiskey and why? Well, I have a very simple answer; I did that because I figured out that some girls at my school were spreading rumors that I was pregnant!!!! Come on, I don’t have boyfriend or have sex in a while so how am I supposed to be pregnant? The funny thing here that I’m in “my days” at the moment, freshman year girls think that real life is like Gossip Girl, come on, grow up! So, I have my first pregnancy rumor, which makes me a star or something? No, so that confirms the fact that one simple, silly, stupid rumor is useless and it can hurt.
Just if you were wondering “oh why this weirdo should drink a bottle of vodka on her own if she is in her house?” Okay, I wasn’t at my place, I was in a party of an unknown boy in the street, I went there just because there wasn’t people that I know around so I was free to do whatever I wanted to. But as you all know i have problems with alcohol, that's why i wanted to clarify the situation.
TO BE CONTINUED…..
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