An October Love Story

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

This is a romantic short story I wrote recently. It was inspired by a hill in my own hometown, and a situation somewhat similiar to that in the story. PLEASE give me constructive criticism so that I can improve my writing. Thanks and enjoy!

An October Love Story

A short story by Oliver Zimbelman

I do not know if the story I am about to tell you has ever happened, but I like to think that somewhere, at sometime, it did. Perhaps it is happening at this very moment. I do not know. The story begins on a hill. It is a quiet evening, sometime in mid-October. Although it is a still night, with only a slight breeze to be felt, it is still quite chilly. The hill is overlooking a moderately sized city. There is a large granite obelisk atop the hill, commemorating some forgotten hero or icon. A few paved roads zigzag around the hill, but the many cars which make use of them seem to completely ignore the site of this seemingly out-of-place marker. There is a small gravel parking lot just off the main road.

Suddenly, a car appears, moving steadily up a paved road until it comes to rest near the large stone memorial. The car’s headlights are extinguished and the engine soon after. All that can be heard from the car is the sound of soft music playing and the occasional nervous shifting from the car’s occupants. It begins to grow darker, and soon fewer and fewer cars are seen driving the roads near the hill.

Inside the car, two people are talking: a boy and a girl. The boy looks to be about sixteen or seventeen. He has sharp features and a rather large nose. His hair is dark and slightly disheveled, probably intentionally. The girl looks younger. She is beautiful, with a small nose and bright blue eyes. Freckles line her face, each one looking as if to be in a perfect location, like God himself drew them onto her skin. They talk about nothing in particular, but they talk about everything.

Suddenly, a snowflake falls and lands on the windshield, followed by another and another. It is the season’s first snowfall. The couple watch the snow fall onto the glass and immediately melt. It is still too warm for the snow to stay on the ground for too long, just like it is not the season for the young couple in the car. They too will soon melt like this first snowfall, and be forgotten with the passing of each year.


Submitted: October 14, 2009

© Copyright 2020 obz900. All rights reserved.

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Comments

YouWish

Umm...Well, it was nice. But, Didn;t really have a strong build.

Wed, October 14th, 2009 4:15am

Felipe Lima

This is well written and you knew perfectly how to describe your scenario. However, in my opinion, you should put more feelings in this piece. It's a romantic story as you told, but I can't feel what's happening between those two characters.

If I can give you a suggestion, add two or three short paragraphs before the last one. Try to describe to us what's happening in that car... Let the underlines feeling come out. I hope this can help you with your writting.

Best Regards
Felipe :]

Sat, October 24th, 2009 9:51pm

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