If I Still Had Friends

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
I used to be happy. I used to enjoy life. I used to laugh and mean it, but not anymore. Not for a while now, and the worst thing is that it’s my own fault.....

Submitted: April 15, 2016

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Submitted: April 15, 2016

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I used to be happy. I used to enjoy life. I used to laugh and mean it, but not anymore. Not for a while now, and the worst thing is that it’s my own fault. If I had tried a bit harder then maybe I could smile sometimes. I’m not sure if reading over my old diary entries is a good idea or not. On the one hand I actually smile but then on the other hand I feel twice as bad afterwards.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by my teacher placing a gentle hand on my elbow.

“Ace, are you okay?” she asked softly.

I noticed the room was empty which mean that the bell had rung so I nodded my head and quickly left the room. A big, burly Leaving Cert. student shoved me out of his way and straight into the wall beside a group of girls. Last year I would have been embarrassed and gone and talked about how awful it was with my friends, but now I only adjusted my school bag strap and carried on my way.

I found a place to sit in the study hall and put my earphones in to try and drown out the voices in my head. The soft first notes of Iris by The Goo-Goo Dolls filled my ears and I shut my eyes to relish the feeling of relief that came from it.

 

Last year this never would have happened. I might have gone to the canteen with a few people and maybe brushed fingers with Damon so that no one saw. I would have spent all break talking and laughing, not being silent and doing my best to hold back tears. Last year my biggest problem was that Damon wouldn’t go out with me. Ha! I had no idea. All of last year’s diary entries are Damon, Damon, Damon. Things Damon did at school, things Damon texted me, dates Damon and I went on, did I actually like Damon or did I still I still like Nate? It’s stupid really how much time I spent on a relationship that barely passed the six-month mark. I don’t even know what went wrong; one day it was fine and the next he refused to talk to me, and so of course “our” friends sided with Damon, except Jake. Jake doesn’t really like me anyway, it’s just that he feels sorry for me because no one talks to me. It’s not my fault Damon’s parents are homophobic but he never cared before, what changed? I don’t mind now though because I don’t care about anything anymore; nothing seems to matter. Not schoolwork or housework, friends or neighbours; I just can’t be bothered. I’m trying to blot everything out with other people’s stories and loud music. It’s not working but I have this hunger inside and no matter how many pages I read or songs I listen to, I have to have more. I don’t enjoy them but I can’t stop. I’ve just lost the ability to enjoy anything really.

When I’m at school I want to be at home and when I’m at home I want to be at school so that I can be surrounded by people who don’t care and don’t give a shit how I feel. Also so that I can have something to do, somewhere to go; some purpose.

I’m losing everyone I know and I can’t stop it. I feel so hopeless all the time and I hate it. And I’m scared – really scared – because everything is just spiralling out of control and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

 

When I walked into my road that evening I saw that my mum’s car wasn’t there for the third time this week and I sighed loudly. That meant that I had to make dinner and look after Lottie again. Dad’s only gone for another two weeks and after that I’m done. I’m not Lottie’s parent but Mum’s doing an awful job of it.

 

After making dinner, cleaning up, making Lottie lunch for tomorrow and helping her with her homework I was exhausted but I hadn’t even started my homework yet. But of course, despite the fact that I could barely stand up and I went to bed at midnight, it was gone four by the time I fell asleep, and that was only because I cried so hard my head ached that I just drifted off.

I keep thinking that no one would really miss me if I died. Yeah my family would a bit, and people at school would pretend to but they’d get over it eventually and life would continue as normal. After all, who’s going to miss the boy who sat in the hallway and read his book? Who’s going to miss the boy that barely said a word but just tagged along with your group from time to time? As I say that I can’t help but think of Damon throwing out his arm as I tried to cross the road and saying that he didn’t want me dying on his watch then correcting himself and saying that he didn’t want me dying at all; and of the poem where the boy misses the girl who had long hair and a nice smile even though she never did but you could still tell.

 

In SPHE today we talked about mental health and how important it was to have positive mental health. The teacher said that of course we have bad days, it’s normal. You know you’re not okay when you immediately think “I have good days”, and today is not one of them.

 

Nobody said goodbye to me as I left the school and nobody said anything as I started to cross the road. It was only when I was halfway across – the car headed straight towards me – that heard Damon yell my name. I shut my eyes and smiled as I heard the car getting closer and closer….


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