Old BallBall's Words of Wisdom

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
This isn't exactly a story. It is Me, BallBall acting silly from the soap box and handing out a whole lot of crazy advice. Very silly. Very funny. Very true.....every bit of it.

Submitted: July 31, 2009

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Submitted: July 31, 2009

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BallBall's WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE SOAPBOX

Girls, every now and then your wee little BallBall feels the insane need to jump up on the giant soapbox and impart some information that she thinks is important but is really just silly.

This is a quick reference of things that you should immediately file into your “I AIN'T NO FOOL” file in your mind. These are things that Ball has learned the hard way can and will either, scare the bejesus out of you, drive you bonkers, or just plain maim one for life.

Remember now, Ball is an old lady and has had much experience with life's little scary items so I know what the heck I am talking about......kind of.

If you think your wheel barrel is possessed by a wicked little demon, it probably is. Don't even mess with it. Leave it for the ghostbusters or some other unsuspecting soul. Wheel barrels can, will, and have harmed many. Very dangerous item. (See the Case of the Possessed Wheel Barrel Story)

If you see a snake, even if it is flat and making a fine toy for your pussycat, RUN! Do not worry about slamming the door in your best friend's face as you are making your wild escape. If a snake is in the area, dead or alive, this isn't considered one bit rude.

If your new neighbor lady gets an enormous crush on your single father, first, use a bit of common sense and stand clear so you don't get trampled in the wild frenzy of love. Second, and of the utmost importance, do not eat any chili soup that this neighbor brings to your father as a gift, especially if it contains a large pork chop. Pork chops and chili do not mix.

If you buy any underwear marked “size 7 and irregular” there is every chance that these undies will be large enough to stretch clear across a full sized truck hood. It is just not a good idea to be shopping for undies at the “free and giveaway” anyway.

Lawn chairs are very scary and very dangerous items. Especially the old fashioned lounge chair type. These particular items have been known to fold up and swallow a little old man whole. At the very least, your hind end will look like you sat on a waffle iron by the time you manage to extract yourself from it's jaws. An old waffled up butt isn't attractive at any age.

The plastic variety of lawn chair is only marginally safer. Do keep in mind that they do have a weight limit. If the legs shatter or bow out in a weird way, chances are you are over the weight limit and about to meet the ground.

It is also important to keep in mind that those plastic stands that go with the plastic lawn chairs are for setting plants and things on. Not for setting rumps upon.

If you get a 9 pound baby Poohbear in your belly and you are 9 months pregnant, under no circumstances whatsoever, should you be crawling up under your bed. You will get very stuck. Your legs will stick out at a very odd angle. Not only will your rescuer laugh but so will God. This is a big NO NO.

Air Mattresses are items that one should always use care when dealing with. Do not hop from your recliner chair onto it. You will bounce a lot. It is the impending impact with the wall that can and will hurt you bad. Do not allow anyone larger than the air mattress to plop down upon it. If your mattress begins to hiss at you for romping around on it so much, get the heck out of dodge, explosion may follow.

Important to note: If you are once again 9 months pregnant and your air pump whistles at you, it ain't whistling

at you because it thinks you are cute. It is whistling because baby daddy done poked a hole in the hose.

  1. If you go to a grocery store to obtain employment, please be professional. Remember that you are there to get a

    job not to mow over the banana stand and then run.

  2. If your friend invites you to lunch to “meet a real nice guy” beware. If he refuses to wear his false teeth and likes jalepeno peppers a lot, do not sit directly in front of him. There is a 10 to 1 chance you will get squirted right in the eye by a spray of hot, hot , hotness, when this “real nice guy” bites down. This is one of those can and will maim you for life things.

  3. Do not sing Weird Al Yankovik's song, “La La Lasanga” to any male who is over six feet tall and 300 pounds. This is just not a good choice of serenades. It might seem like fun at the time, but at the very least, you will get a dirty look. At the most a free ride in the back of an ambulance.

  4. If you drive by a hot guy standing in his yard, be sure to scope out the entire area before yelling, “WooHoo Hottie.” You just never know where that state highway patrolman is at. Chances are the next time you get pulled over you might come to find out that you yelled “WooHoo Hottie!” at said Patrolman. As he kindly points out that had you scoped out the area, you would have seen the patrol car he was standing next to.

  5. If your Bottle Gas Service Man comes to your house with a Coonhound hunting jacket on, and tells you that your own Coonhound “is a beautiful specimen of a dog”, be kind. Please don't look at him like he has lost all of his mind and say, “You and I are looking at the same dog right?” (See The Hounds From Hell Story)

  6. If your neighbor is kind enough to ask you if you'd like to ride along with her to the store it is completely impolite to wait until her back is turned and toss several hundred packages of extra large sanitary napkins into her cart.

  7. Anything with an old number of wheels and a seat belt is a recipe for disaster. Such as the item known as the scooter. Do not plop your rump onto to one of these without first getting down on your knees and praying for your safety. And for heaven's sake do not buckle yourself on to this item. Because where ever it decides to take you, you are along for the screaming in terror ride.

  8. Extension cords and oxygen hoses are dangerous items when strung together at the rate of 10 to 12 at a time. You will trip over them. You may even throw your milk all over your night stand in the process. People will laugh. You will get upset. People will laugh even harder.

    If you string together enough oxygen hoses to cover an entire football field, please do not get all crazy when some poor unsuspecting individual steps on the one attached to you, nearly ripping your ears off in the process.

Okay girls, now that you have suffered through installment one of BallBall's Words Wisdom I ask you to keep this one last thing in mind. There is a fine line between the words, “fear this” and “fearless.”


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