That Snappy Assed Item

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
This story is about BallBall mis-behaving right on out in public.
This is also a story about Ball's favorite thing to poke fun of...UNDERWEAR!

Submitted: August 18, 2009

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Submitted: August 18, 2009

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THAT SNAPPY-ASSED ITEM


Now Girls, remember that BallBall told you that her stories are generally rated P.G. This particular story however, comes with a P.G. 13 warning. All over a sexy item of under garment that caused much embarrassment and chaos.

BallBall is a bad girl and has always found undie items particularly humorous, so of course, leaving this story out of the storybook wasn't even an option.


This story involves Ball, Paw, and your Mother....always Mom is in the funniest of stories. It also involves an old foster parent of Ball's that has no sense of humor whatsoever. I'll just call her Mrs. A.

Mrs. A isn't really a bad person, she just didn't ever have a fine appreciation for Ball's ability to laugh at about everything that I probably shouldn't have been laughing about.


In our home town we have a used clothing and stuff store, called The New To You. It is my favorite store. Ball is always into treasure hunting in odd places.

However, there was one summer that Ball was unable to go into this store without finding some wild and crazy item that caused her to laugh and laugh.

In this story, Ball laughed so hard that she was asked to leave The New To You by Management. It seemed I had disturbed other shoppers.

I personally felt that I was the one that was disturbed. I felt very disturbed by the bad behavior of your usually quiet and reserved Paw and your Mother. Always your Mother. But alas, no one cared!


So there I was, minding my own business, rummaging through the used brassiere section. I always rummaged through the brassiere bin because I knew that this would cause your Mother much embarrassment.

On this day, as I was making a big show of digging around in the brassiere bin, I happened upon a strange item indeed. It scared me! It was an extra large, lacy, red and black looking deal. It resembled a mini skirt but for the fact that it had these black bands hanging down from it. On the ends of those black bands were these scary little snappy alligator like teeth.

Perplexed, I turned to your Paw, snappy assed item in hand and asked him what the heck it was.

Paw took my snappy assed item from me and began twirling it around on one finger. Those old alligator teeth just snapping and hissing.

Well needless to say, Ball found all that hissing and snapping amusing and began to laugh.

Paw then informed me that this snappy assed item was considered “sexy underwear”.

Something with alligator snappers, sexy undies? Say what?”

I just stood there a wee bit horrified, yet amused. How I prayed I would never see the day that I would wear such a scary item and think it sexy.


Well about that time here come Mom. She told me that Mrs. A was there and was looking for me. Great! Two scary things in one shop. This was just too much!

When Mom saw what your Paw was twirling on his finger and the impending approach of Mrs. A, she tried to make a fast get away. All but mowing an older lady down, who was also rummaging in the brassieres.

Before I could get your Paw to put the snappy assed item down I heard the stern, yet familiar of voice of Mrs. A.

Hello, Annette,” she said.

The sound of doom, caused your Paw to stop all that twirling in no short order.

Unfortunately, when Paw stopped all that twirling the snappy assed item took flight, shot directly over Mrs. A's head, and snapped ungracefully to the floor right in front of Mom!

Mrs A gave me a disgusted and appalled look. Then stomped off in a very un-christian like way.

Mom's face turned three shades of red as she beat a hasty retreat.

Paw just stood there like he had done nothing wrong. Then he casually wandered off.

Ball on the other hand laughed so hard that I collapsed a wall of the brassiere bin I was leaning against, and fell over backwards into it.

With no assistance available, I managed to wallow myself back out of the brassiere bin without inadvertently snatching the purse of the older lady Mom had already terrorized. By the time I managed to upright myself, I had tears in my tears, snot running out of nose, and a small this time, lacy , blue brassiere attached to my arm.


I stood up, detached the lacy, racy, blue brassiere from my arm and looked around for your Paw. But what I saw was one very mad looking Manager Lady. She came over to me and said very meanly that it was time for me to check out and get out.

Yes, Ma'am,” I said.

Every now and then Ball does actually have manners, especially when it is beneficial to my health.


I quickly rounded up your Mother and Paw and prepared to take my shameful leave.

As I stood there in the check out line, looking everywhere but at Mom and Paw, I took note of something hanging out of your Mother's shopping basket. God knows there was no missing the lacy red and black thing as it drug the floor just snap, snap, snapping away.

When we got up to the counter, your Mother didn't even bother to look in her basket before unloading it....Oh no, she just snatched hold of the snappy assed item and flung it up on the counter with everything else.

The look of utter embarrassment on her face was priceless when she saw what she had done. I laughed so hard I had to leave the store altogether.


It seems that your Paw remembered some mean thing Mom had done to him and was looking for a bit of revenge. So when all the chaos went down, Paw retrieved the snappy assed item from the floor and tossed into Mom's basket,when she wasn't looking.


So girls, this story should actually end here. In a world where things are normal, it would. In Ball's it never does....


The next day as I was cleaning house, it seems your Mother was looking to get even herself. As I shook out my bedspread an enormous brassiere flew out of it and snapped evilly at my head. I laughed and laughed.

Somewhere in all that it occurred to me that I did not know the proper name of the snappy assed item. And it was important for me to know this.

As I was sitting out on my porch, Joe, the town drunk staggered down my street in front of my house.

I stopped old Joe and described the snappy asssed item to him and asked him if he knew it's proper name. Joe had a racy girlfriend so I figured even if he was drunk he might be able to help me out here.

Joe looked at me like I had lost my whole mind and said, “Yeah, the snappy assed thing is a garter belt!”


Now pay attention my lovely grand daughters. This is an important life lesson:

Ball is an old lady and has had many painful years of underwear experience. This is what I know for sure.

If your undies come with several teeth and snap at you, chances are they will maim you in some undeniable way. If you need to ask the town drunk the proper name of your undie item, don't even think about putting it on your body. And finally, anything that Ball refers to as a “snappy-assed item” should automatically be filed in the “FEAR THIS” file!




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