The re-dedication

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic
As I walked down the road to the church, my eyes were fixed to the heavens filled with introspection before I got to the Anglican alter. Not too long, I found myself kneeling before the alter making some covenant with my God thus: Lord give me the courage to concentrate even as Silvia has abandoned me, also give me the courage to be without friends till the end of time.

Submitted: March 22, 2016

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Submitted: March 22, 2016

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The evening was cold with different people walking on the roads of the location where I was. I was among those who walked the road with deep introspection and with my eyes fixed at the heavens as if it would pour down what my heart had been longing for these past years. The church was not very far where I often attended my evening services as a result of my forth coming compulsory covenant with God. My heart was beating so fast like a mortar being pounded by a professional with a pestle. There were enough reasons for me to kneel on the floor of the tiled alter, crying to him to renew my life due to how I had lived the previous years. I had attended their confirmation classes for four months now and it was almost the period when I would get baptized, so I had to be serious with it never minding the times I would miss catching my lonely kind of fun which included smiling all to myself when I was usually alone. I was not mad though, it was how nature structured me. I was happy with the way I lived despite the too many of criticisms from friends and families.

It was my turn to be baptized in the local nearby church, I repeated each words of the priest as he dipped my head in water and told me to go that I have fully been baptized. He also made me know the activities involved for a newly baptized member. I was happy with myself; this was what I had been craving for all these while. Now that I would get into the university, I would have a principled kind of life to live in.

 

All these while, I have lived the life of stranger to my own self. It has also been a great shame upon me for being unfaithful to my original self. It is not that life has not fulfilled its promises, nor is that Mother Nature has not fixed me in the right place. There is only one problem which disturbs me within. We all know it is very common amongst us, the problem of “peers”. I have not been very lucky making good choices of friends all my life. It is funny how I don’t seek for friendship nor want to be alone to myself. I needed friends to be around me and I also wanted to be alone. How to equate these two problems is what I couldn’t handle. The kind of people I needed around me was female folks though but at the same time I hated to have them stalking me. Some of these female friends were good at that as they knew what I possessed, I was very handsome though. Angela was just my perfect match before my admittance into the university until it dawned on me. It was not a new thing that I welcomed criticisms as a celebrity would be welcomed by his fans when he steps out on the streets. I was considered a gay because I never talked about girls nor do I even wish to play games with them as my friends would say but I kept still anyway. What was happening around me was what I couldn’t interpret but I knew what was happening. My quiet nature has caused me great havoc around my friends. I would not speak about friendship while with them and I would not speak to myself about that. Introspection was what was dwelling inside of me then.

You should mind your relationship with most of those girls you will meet in school son because if you are not very careful, you might sink deep down to the earth or perhaps your grave, Mum advised. Though I knew of this popular saying which goes thus “behind every successful man there is always a woman” I also heard of another interpretation of it that “behind every woman, there is always a man behind her starring at her buttocks” sounds funny right? How was I to juxtapose these two different but almost similar sentences? I would only keep mum’s advice at heart for reference purposes not that I was ever going to dwell on it. After all, I was old enough to make my decisions as my friends would say and those were the boys I hated being around with. They were filled with corrupt thoughts which they would pour out even in the streets without minding passersby. I would only imagine what people would think of me when they saw us together most times but I didn’t feel bad anyway. The first year in school was quiet interesting; I made new friends through selection based on mother’s advice. Some guys came around and asked me to be their friend just as some girls would do too. I never hesitated accepting their requests though and at the same time, I watched to know who to delete from the list.

I was also doing well in school which was evident in such areas like my academics, relationship status with lecturers, sporting activities and others. I never approached anybody seeking friendship in the process, a covenant which I would not fail from childhood. I would always speak to myself saying “if anyone will not come to me as a friend, then the one is not worthy being a friend” this gave me hope not to look for any kind of friend in campus though I saw very pretty girls and intelligent boys whom I would have loved to attach myself with but for covenants sake, I would always withdraw.

Its past two years now and I was still like one who newly got admittance into the university, no friends, no activities anymore and some other things I used to love then. I had flushed away all of them just after some months of possession. The problem is too difficult to be solved and where it comes from I cannot tell. Many’s the time, I felt angry with myself for not having anyone to cuddle whenever I was alone just as I would do with Angela. It was barely two months of the second semester when I met Silvia while strolling after a very lonely day. What pushed me towards her path was what I couldn’t interpret as she made to walk away when I was short of speech at the moment. She knew me because we would occasionally gaze at each other in the lecture hall. She knew I was very quiet and the worst of it all, “the shy type” and this caused her not to act as though she had seen me before. I never minded what she thought, all I needed was someone to cuddle whenever I was alone not a friend or “girlfriend” as those boys would say.

Yes! What do you want from me as she stared into my little white eyes?

I could hardly respond to her question as her beauty overwhelmed me. I was drawn back to what my friends would always say at our timely gatherings at home. The only word I remembered then was…….

Well, pardon me for the interruption, it is just that…..just that…..ermmmmm… I can now see her face though it was dark; her smile was too strong not to ask her why.

Are you shy to say what you feel? Ok, just tell me what you think and I won’t bite you. It was not still a guarantee to release my words. I know you are a shy boy but I shall give you a chance to disclose your thoughts. She had given me only a minute to express myself and it was then that many sentences streamed through my head, some complete, others incomplete. It was funny that I never had anything to say at the moment but I finally said something, something that sounded like a strong blow on her head.

What did I just hear you say? She cried. I was afraid such that I wanted to take to my heels immediately I saw her reaction.

It is just that I need someone to love and hold whenever I am lonely, that’s all. She asked in anger “is that all”? I was in trouble when I replied her no. like she was ready to listen to my shocking and fake words. I told her to follow me to a garden where we would discuss at length. I was shocked how she managed to come along with me to the rest place. We discussed at length and I discovered that this Silvia had intentions towards me too. She loved me even more than I had wanted. Who knows? I never even loved her, I was happy I made my intentions back then, “just someone to cuddle”

I felt on top of the world when she first visited me right there in my room where I stayed with a roommate. I was happy the roommate was not around then to spoil what would have wanted to transpire between us. I hated that boy for one thing, he would always advice me not to go out with any girl nor let any of them visit me at home as he stated its consequences. His words fell on deaf ears as far as my newly found Silvia was concerned. I would also catch him in privy with some of his girlfriends sometimes and he would tell me they are preparing for a fellowship and I would smile back in return not to discourage his belief. Silvia was getting bored with our conversations therein and had wanted something else. How to start was the problem, I could hardly even look her in the eyes while I trembled. It was then that I heard a knock on the door which almost broke down my door. In anger, I shouted at whosoever it was to scare the hell out of him and also prove to Silvia how strong I can be in dealing with difficult persons. She was not thinking what I was thinking, she was angry that I had not done anything for almost four hours of our stay and now I was trying to impress her with another silly attitude.

I opened the door gently to see who almost took down my door and behold it was this boy, my cousin who always gave me a surprised visit each time he liked. I begged him in my native language to go and seek shelter in a friend’s that I was very busy with a client. He laughed as he was able to understand what I meant. As he packed his bags away, I was still wondering the drama which would continue inside the room with Silvia. She had waited too long; I have also misbehaved for long. I was to blame if I missed this chance. In no time I gathered courage and told her to close her eyes. One thought came to me “it’s Sunday, remember to keep it holy” I put it behind me for sometime because this was a golden chance, after all I would beg God for forgiveness after everything. While she had her eyes closed, I held her lips in fear with my heart beating faster than a generator which was just put on. I confirmed the smiles from her cheeks when she said to me “hurry man” we haven’t got all day. Waves of electric shock passed through me as though I was plugged. I stared into her closed eyes; I was able to see them partially opened as I made for a contact between our lips.

Finally, it was settled, I had achieved my aim for that day as she left for home in great joy. I was very happy for that night; indeed it was a blessed night. Oh! I remembered it was still Sunday and I immediately prayed for forgiveness to the man upstairs. I was wondering if this kind of prayer would ever be answered. It was then my cousin brought in his bags. I pleaded with him not to be angry with me for displacing him the moment she was around and he understood though because we were birds of the same feathers but his feathers were stronger and darker than mine. I was filled with joy and endless hope when my roommate announced to me that he would be visiting his parents for a week at Enugu state in Nigeria. Did he just say a week? I thought to myself. Well that would give me chance to carry out my works I smiled, maybe with the so called clients. I discussed with my cousin most of the times and I discovered he was not just different from my friends I hated back then at home. He would talk about girls all the time and how he would do this and do that* what a shame I said to myself. All girls are the same, they are all fools, just tell them the same story and they would immediately fall for you. This was what he kept on saying every evening when we strolled. I was tired of his everyday talks and I warned him of it and I was ready to send him packing if he would continue. He would only beam a smile on me to clear it all.

That evening was another evening I was expecting salvias visitation as I was preparing the room so she could feel very comfortable. My cousin was a lover of women. His name was ‘Nwanyi ka nma’ which meant Girls are better but for short I called him Nwanyi. Please I am expecting Silvia this evening and I would not like you to scatter this room which I just arranged for her coming. I wouldn’t want it to get tardy on my return I cried! He understood as he made to assist. I was happy he rendered a helping hand though I never understood his plans as he had initially spoken to me of Silvia saying something like, “bro I like that girl oh”. I only took it as a joke. I praised God for one of his perfumes he had just bought which I sprayed in the room and also wore it so I could smell very attractive when Silvia comes in. It’s past six p.m now and Silvia was nowhere to be found. I had previously called her and her response was full of hope. It was just after ten extra minutes that we heard a knock on the door. It was just too soft and slow and even sexy when compared to that of Nwanyi ka nma. I knew she was the one as I made to spray the perfume again on myself and in the room which I did silently. The room was shinning like gold with the bed spread properly and neatly flattened on the mattress. She sat silently on it as we spoke. I offered her soft drinks which she took without hesitation.

I wanted to make everything quick today unlike the last time when she came. This time Nwanyi had injected me with corrupt words which I could use to pin her down and do whatever I wished. I gave him a signal to exit the room because I wanted to start my main thing. Thank God he understood as he took his phone and put on his ringing tone pretending it was a call from his mum. He answered and sluggishly walked away as we both laughed in understanding. Silvia wore a suspicious look as she wondered if I had sent him away. I told her he was just receiving a call from his mum and it was urgent. Just two minutes later, he called from the window saying he would like to visit his friend down the school. I heaved a sigh of relief when he left. Silvia asked me to call him back that she knows I purposefully sent him out because she was around. I would have made the greatest mistake if I had spoken the truth. I remembered the words of Nwanyi which stated that I should never tell a girl any kind of truth. What Silvia wore to visit me this time was revealing. I was able to see her cleavage which was made visible by a low-cut neck line and almost pulling out of her armless top. I wondered if it was all because of me she dressed in such killing manner. I was swift at crossing my hands over her neck as she smiled. I dragged her head closely and forcefully to mine for another drama, this time biting and almost chewing off her lips. Of course she permitted me so I wasn’t afraid you know! I made for her bosom or the inner space which were of course extremely soft. They felt so good to suckle. I caressed gently and increased my pace when I was no longer strengthened to control what was coming from within. Some minutes later, I could feel the sweat from my body dropping on her chest as she screamed. I screamed but gently to avoid attention from the neighborhood. It was a nice experience after all and we were through in no time. Though we undressed ourselves individually, now we just had to let each person dress himself alone. Now I saw what fell from my eyes like a scale as I looked at Silvia combing her hair and preparing to live. She was not like the Silvia I knew before. I don’t know how it happened but I could feel now was that I began to hate her a bit after our little fun.

Nwanyi ka nma enjoyed very much while he stayed with me for that week. It was time for him to travel back home. We bade farewell and he left. He promised he would visit me soon and this time, surprisingly. I nodded in agreement and closed it with a suspicious smile. I was enjoying myself with Silvia all along when she would visit me most times and we would make love each time. It dawned on me when she asked me to take her to my parents and that she wanted me to tell them that she was the woman I would marry. I only laughed jokingly but she was dead serious. It was never going to be possible for me to marry Silvia. I had made love with her unaccountably and I sure am not the only one who had also done the same I guessed. I gave her reasons to wait for some more time before we would go to my parents. She accepted it without hate. It was clear that I needed to start avoiding Silvia who was now hungering to drag me with her to my parents. She was no more the Silvia I knew before, she had completely depreciated in my sight and in our sight too as I had discussed her with my friends, those few secretive friends I had then.

 

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Nwanyi ka nma’s visit was like a strong blow on my head when I saw him just after three weeks of his departure. I queried to know why he came so early and what he told was not welcoming at all. I felt indifferent all the same; after all he was just a cousin. Just after three days of his arrival, Silvia changed even the more whenever we were together. She no longer listened to my advices nor looked me in the eye whenever I was discussing something important with her. I was filled with pain as I was fast losing her. Nwanyi ka nma noticed all these but kept quiet. I was suspecting him as he no longer spoke to me of those women anymore. When Silvia would visit often, he wouldn’t even talk to her. I had asked him one day to explain why he suddenly changed from his normal self that period and he never gave me a satisfying reply. I began to hate him just as I hated Silvia. The thoughts of having and making no friends ran through my mind as if I had failed.

What seemed like a dream now became reality when my phone rang and I saw it was Silvia who called. I delayed before answering the call and all I expected from her was an apology for not behaving like her normal self the other day she was with me and Nwanyi ka nma. “Hello”, yes, hello she replied. She never mentioned my name like before. All she asked from me was if Nwanyi ka nma was around. I felt indifferent though as I replied of his good health and his presence. She said further that I should tell him to come over and see her at one garden where people met sometimes in the evenings. I felt dead within as I continually asked myself what was going on. It was just then that Nwanyi ka nma came in smiling at me. I told him what Silvia had said and he wasn’t surprised. He only made to prepare when I blocked his way demanding answers to such sudden development. He told me that I had formerly warned him of not speaking to him about women and he was not ready to tell me. I became even more bitter at this and I went back to sleep an unprepared sleep.

The love I had for Silvia was now resurrecting again and this was the last thing I ever imagined. How can the one which I have abandoned suddenly start running through my mind again? Nwanyi ka nma felt so bold even to bring Silvia to my room and in my very presence, smooch her. I sat right there feeling lifeless. I had lost what I never cherished before. I now wanted to have her back again, not to cuddle this time but to love and marry but it was already late. Then I remembered all that my friends would say before warning me not and never to make love to the one I felt I was going to marry afterwards. My heart kept on beating faster than I could imagine just like the first day I wanted to kiss her. I was now afraid and ashamed to see her whenever she came around to see Nwanyi ka nma and not me. Her departure from my life has affected my academic life, sporting life and friends’ selection just as it was in the beginning. Nwanyi ka nma has stayed enough and was set to live the next day. Silvia was with him throughout the day as they cuddled each other once again right there in my presence. Well I never bothered anymore, maybe I should start afresh I said.

 

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As I walked down the road to the church, my eyes were fixed to the heavens filled with introspections before I got to the Anglican alter. Not too long, I found myself kneeling before the alter making some covenant with my God thus: Lord give me the courage to concentrate even as Silvia has abandoned me, also give me the courage to be without friends till the end of time. I don't want those beautiful ladies anymore and I also don't need those intelligent males around me. I wanted to be alone now and care only for myself. And lastly Lord, help me not to come across anybody that looks like Nwanyi ka nma. These were my prayers as I was led by one of their finest priests for a rededication.

 


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